Thursday, September 29, 2011

- a return to love -

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves,

Who am I to be brilliant,

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us;

it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

                                                                                           - Marianne Williamson

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

The Rose That Grew From Concrete

Did you hear about the rose that grew from a crack in the concrete? 

Proving nature's law is wrong it learned to walk with out having feet. 

Funny it seems,
but by keeping it's dreams,
it learned to breathe fresh air. 

Long live the rose that grew from concrete

when no one else ever cared.

                                                                                              - Tupac

Hollywood Dreams...

I used to think as I looked out on the Hollywood night —

there must be thousands of girls sitting alone

like me,

dreaming of becoming a movie star.

But I'm not going to worry about them...

I'm dreaming the hardest.   

                                                                                        —    Marilyn Monroe

Friday, September 9, 2011

Che bella vita...

Is it just me, or does it seem that people always fail you?

Sad to say. Worse to believe. Horrifying to experiance. Truth? They usually do.

It goes without saying that obviously if I'm blogging about it, it must have happened. In more ways than I'd like to believe, but it does. You put your heart into someone, your help, your time, your friendship, your compassion - and it all gets stomped on, ripped apart, and thrown back in your face.

At least in my case. More often than not.

I'm trying to think about what lesson Fate is trying to teach me. I can't think of anything. I like to just trust that it will all show the 'why' in due time. I guess that's all I can wait for. I know there is a reason... why this way, at this time I do not know.

I've been thinking about a lot of things. We know I had posted about my best friend, Kyle, who took his life April 6th - but recently, I also lost my Grandpa. My Grandpa was the rock in my life. In my family. It's always horrible to not know how important someone is in your life until they're being taken from you. I spent as much time with him as possible, have amazing memories. Doesn't hurt any less. My Grandpa was Italian all the way. Broken english and all. One thing I will never stop feeling is the love my Grandpa had for me. Not like, 'Oh my Grandaughter, I love her.' - No. His love for me was a lay-down-and-die-for-you-in-a-moment love. That meant and still means more to me than I think I'll ever be able to explain. He was the one person I never had to worry about impressing. Never had to worry about how I looked, what I said, what I did. Never. He understood me, and would love me unconditionally. No matter what I did, I would never be anything less than his baby girl. His pride. His heart. And he was mine.

And he's gone.

Kyle - well, let's go there again. He was the only other person on this planet that got who April is. What April is about. He let me be me, and I didn't ever have to apologize or explain. My heart was always in the right place, and he knew it. As mad as we would get at eachother, it never changed. Never were words spoken that would be damaged beyond repair. Nothing was ever not out of a good place, a safe loving place. At the end of a horrible day, I could show up at his house and rant and rave for hours. Until I felt like it was enough. Until I said I was done. However long it took. I would always get his hug, and his "It'll all be ok."


My only two rocks are gone. I've had situations with these other 'people always fail you' friends who I thought were good people. One friend from school who I had been close with for a long stretch of 9+ years - one of those girls who you don't matter if she has a man. Can't for the life of her figure out how to have friends and a boyfriend at the same time. Needless to say - this was the last straw for me, I understand when I'm not even thought about. Don't talk about how great of friends we are when I say I need to spend time with you as my friend - I need you to be my friend right now - and you flat out ignore me, lie to me, and plan around my request with the guy you've spent a whopping 2 weeks knowing.


Another, I had known a couple months. Odd. Very weird. But, I don't judge. Tried working out some business, helping any way I could - because that's what I like to do. I don't want any credit, I just want to be involved in the process and lend a fresh thought or a creative idea where I can. Suddenly, because of a small non-business related confusion, I'm a huge 'liar' and a horrible person. I would totally understand if it had been an obvious problem with books, contracts, investors, etc... Not even close. Most importantly - not in any way related, and not a lie. I don't lie. Confusion? Yes. Guilty. We're all human. Furthermore, this individual doesn't understand the process of normal human emotions, so anything I try and explain - 'specially now that I'm a big fat liar - is completely over their head.


I don't find myself thinking, 'Gosh, I wish it would have worked with these people', it never would. I don't want a friend in my life who can only be there for me when she feels it's necessary but I am there at the drop of a hat. I don't want a person in my life who I bust my butt for and can spin me into some horrifying individual out of nothing. Don't want it.

I do find myself missing the good people. The people who really mattered in my life. For every horrible thing someone says to me, for every horrible thing someone does, for every time I am wronged... I find myself thinking, 'God, I miss Grandpa.' or 'Why, Kyle? Why?'

My family of course is always here for me, as is Kyles family. I don't know what I would do without Kyles Mom and sister, Emily. Of course, his Dad too. His family is the most loving and accepting group of people I have ever met. The second I met them, I was welcome. To this day, I feel so at home with them it's insane. I have told them alot, but I don't think they'll ever know how much their love and acceptance means to me. I wouldn't be the person I am without all of them in my life.

Good people are left, sure. Absolutely. My big brother is a rock. He's the most honest and forthcoming person I know - well, of course, he's my brother. He is the last consistant positive person in my life. I'm allowed to be me, be a girl, have emotions - and no matter what, underneath it all - he knows I have a heart.

People think because I'm so tough, either my heart is non-existant, or it doesn't break easily. Break easily it doesn't, but that doesn't mean I don't have one. The only people who had the power to break me, have. It was their time to go home, and God is watching over them now. I hope they get a chance to pop in on me every now and then. I feel them around, sometimes. In a smell, a thought, or a presence. I smile for a moment, and think about the good times. For that, I am blessed.

Realizing this may sound like complaints, please don't be confused - I'm blessed to have emotions. I'm blessed to be living my story, good or bad. Right or wrong. Happy or sad. There were times all of this would be too much for me to deal with, but now - I realize I'm a good person, and I am lucky to have loved and been loved by some of the most powerful people this world had ever seen. They didn't have to be 'big time' to be a big deal - and selfish or not, I'm glad I didn't have to share their love or attention with anyone else. They meant the word to me. Again - for that, I am blessed.

There are some people who don't have anyone. Have maybe never known the power of true friendship. Never known the unconditional love of a parent, not to mention a grandparent. For those people, I fight. I continue doing what I'm doing. One day, no matter who is beside me - I will be able to be who I want to be, and live my dreams out loud for all to see. On a movie screen, or a charity event - I will be making a positive difference.

For that, I am blessed.

Grandpa, you were the love of my life. You always will be. Your heart and passion for everyone is an inspiration. I want to be half the person you were. Thank you for always being so proud of me, and treating me like nothing less than an adult. Always. Sometimes, for no reason, I want to find you and crawl into your lap and cry until I can't cry anymore. That opportunity has passed, and I know that you are ok. I know you will always be watching over me, my guardian angel. I love you to the moon and back a gazillion times. Il mio cuore, amore mio, il mio eroe, il mio angelo.