Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Dear Kyle.

Dear Kyle,

All along I believed time would change you...

This Friday, it'll be one year since you've been gone. One year since the day no one will forget. One year since you took your own life.

We've all had a full year to work through our pain, ask each other the questions we thought we needed answers to... How stupid are we? Your the only person who can do that for us, and - well - you can't.

I'm so mad at you. Mad for going without saying 'Goodbye', mad that you chose not to see my heart even when I told you it was there... But I'm the maddest because for the last year, I've had to watch your family continue to grieve a pain that will never go away. I'm mad at you for taking away Emily's big brother, I'm mad at you for taking away Mom and Dads only son. I'm mad at you for never realizing any of the gifts or talents you had...

...I'm thankful for all the times you would call me over to make dinner for me. I'm thankful for all the hours we'd spend on the phone - every day - all day. I'm thankful for how much you taught me about movies and script writing that I didn't know. I'm thankful that you once gave me a safe place to cry, and go to talk if I ever needed it.

I'm thankful for the presence you were in my life.

I'm blessed to have you watching over us all now.

All the time I have spent on myself and on my own recovery, I don't think I've ever really appreciated life truly - fully - completely - until you ended yours. Only for the sole fact that no one ever thinks they're going to experience something like that with anyone so close to them... But, I did. Looking around at the funeral, even at your family today... I'm thankful I have the lungs to breathe. I'm thankful I have people in my life to embrace.

I'm thankful I have recovered, and even when the triggers come - I'm thankful to be able to be upset, and work through it. It means I'm alive, and I made it through my darkest moments. It means I found my own strength. Lord knows we all tried to help you find yours, and I know you have it now.

Thank you, Kyle, for showing me what it means to love the people in your life. Thank you for showing me that it's a life meant to live out your dreams. Thank you for teaching me about the different ways to truly cherish everyone in your life, because you never know.

I tried to hard to save you... I know that no one could have done anything, but my god I tried. If I couldn't convince you to live while I was screaming and pleading with you to please not leave me through tears the first time... Well, I don't know.

I'm sorry if you thought less of me than I understood, and I'm sorry that I couldn't correct it. I hope you know now the things I never got to tell you.

Anyways, I miss you. This completely sucks, and I want my best friend back. I wish I could turn back time, figure a way to foil your plan so you'd be here but hate me forever... I can't.

I loved you for a thousand years. I'll love for you for a thousand more.

Always. XO