"April, baby, I was driving down the road... And all I could think about was how badly I wanted to go back."
"What was it like?"
"Oh, April, it was beautiful. No pain, no sadness, no emotional distress... All good. All happy and joyful. So beautiful."
He was a sensitive. Intuitive, I guess. He was the only person who would ever talk to me about that stuff. Him and my Aunt.
He said before 9-11, he kept seeing black shadows billowing up to the ceiling of their cabin from the walls, like smoke. He got really sick, and really sad.
I guess I got it from him.
I think anyone with any hints of intuitiveness deeper than most - or sensitivity to spirit - deals with suicide at some point.
I personally believe all those who commit suicide were just highly sensitive/intuitive beings.
...if you know and feel what's better than this world, even if you don't know you're feeling it... Yeah...
I often question what the fuck I'm doing here.
I mean, I know... I'm just sick of it.
Really. I am.
Side note: This blog seems to be dark the majority of the time, or is that just me? I guess I have to make a habit of blogging nice, joyful, light things too. Dark, deep thoughts are the ones that need to be purged.
But really... I'm so sick of life.
Not even in a depressed way, just in a, "Why did I come to earth? Why? I hate this shit."
I was chilling in the 'archangel realm' as a Goddess for spirit-centuries. Why the hell did I agree to this?! Why?!
Having emotions sucks. Sad sucks. Depressed sucks. Anger sucks. Addictions suck. Anxiety sucks. Loneliness sucks. Being disappointed or discouraged and feeling those things sucks.
It's fucked up that those things have names. That there are human beings taking medication for them.
Sucks. I don't even like Hope or Faith as much as I used to, regardless that I had it tattooed on my foot. Too much Hope, Faith & Love just opens the door for disappointment and discouragement.
I seriously have to shave my legs, and my armpits, and whatever else for the rest of my life. The rest of my human life.
God, that's irritating.
I have hair I have to cut and do shit to. I have makeup and stuff to put on. I have arms, with nails to be done... Toes, too.
We have to buy clothes, and that never stops.
There are tasks to be done - move, buy a house, build career, get married, have kids... Blah blah...
...None of which feel like they're even in the country for me right now. Unattainable.
I hate that emotion, too. Ugh!
You have to have money, and I do - thank God - but people judge you so insanely based on it. Paper. Paper with dead people printed on it is what people judge you on. What social circles are comprised of. What keeps some people in, some out.
What people die & kill & rob & do other horrible unexplainable things for.
What women marry for, have sex for, trick and scam for. Men do, too, but woman mostly.
I don't get it. I can't understand it, at all.
Then there's bad people. People who do horrible things. Murder, rape, hurt animals... Why? Why? Why does that happen?
I don't even understand. I can't.
Why do I have to be here? With that? With them?
Oh yeah, humans and emotions. I made some stupid decision and agreed to come here to help people, and do all this awesome film stuff that stands for others and is a positive influence... Yada yada... Pfffft.
My Mom birthed me, people have emotions attached to me, so I can't go anywhere. If it wasn't for them, I can't guarantee I'd be here. Honestly. If it wasn't for the small group of friends I do have, and my parents, Kyle's Mom, Ashley's Mom, the example I am in what I've overcame... I can't exactly exit now.
That, and I already know what it would be. I'd be in the exact same position Kyle is. Regretting it. Seeing what could have happened if I'd had patience and optimism.
Lucy would get really mad at me, so would Jonathan and Archangel Michael.... & P. Swayz, & Marilyn, & my Grandparents... I don't even wanna deal with that.
Then, God forbid I have to come back AGAIN! I've already lived tons of lifetimes, I'd like to be done now.
"You didn't do what you went to do last time, didn't learn your lessons, we're sending you back again."
I haven't loved. I haven't traveled as much as I'd like. I haven't had kids. I haven't been married. I haven't really started the life I want so badly for myself.
At 25, it all just seems like too much work.
I'm tired already.
I don't know who to trust, people lie and backstabbing me constantly. Feeling like I can't get off of the fucking hamster wheel of life.
I just wanna go back.
Back where it's all simple and nice and happy all the time. Where I can help people in spirit, where I don't have to be upset or discouraged or feel perpetually tired and lost.
I know a lot of shit about life, that's easy. It's this god damn career that's been pre-programmed into my soul that's causing so much fucking bullshit.
The fact that I would never be happy at a mediocre level. That my goal is legendary status, and that's the only option. That must, MUST, be the end result.
God why did I agree to do this?!
I hate being human. I hate it, so much.
I hate that I'm so beyond capable of so many things and I can't seem to get over this last wall. That relying on other people is the absolute worst thing ever. That I don't have any other fucking choice.
I HATE THIS SHIT!
I hate it.
I hate it so much.
Why couldn't I have been programmed with the ultimate desire to be a fucking resturant owner or something? A nurse? A Laywer? A stay at home Mom with no career?
"Light workers and souls at your level aren't programmed that way."
We drive cars, our air is polluted, people don't know how to treat other people, we call people celebrities and make them seem bigger and better than us...
...& I'm in that fucking industry!
I've sat outside at the resturant at Four Seasons LA so many times I can't even count and just people watched like I was at the Zoo. I don't understand. I try, I try I do... I try and understand the cars and clothes and attitudes... But I can't.
I can't process this shit.
The same way I don't understand how on earth my brain can process and learn in the super human way that it does, and I have the skill I have, and still be stuck?!
Why I get into friendships and relations with people who present the world only to screw me royally and chuck a duce?
It's not that law of attraction either, I know I didn't being that shit into my life. Except, well, now I guess. But I'm honestly not a complainer - I'm an explorer.
This one girl that said tons of shit she didn't mean and did God knows what behind my back, Kelly, did the same shit! I still haven't gotten any hint as to what the fuck happened!
I don't understand people here. I just don't.
I can't wrap my mind around most of this crap.
It's simple, up there. It is.
I like simple, easily understandable, everyone is equal, everything is happy shit.
I can dig it.
There's clocks, and people keep time. They have to sleep, and set alarms... And go places, and they sweat and get cold and hate themselves and have a favorite color and judge you and manipulate you and so on.
....what the fuck did I agree to?
Well, I'm stuck now.
I wish I wasn't.
I wish shit here worked like it worked over there.
I need to read the book 'Lightworkers' by Savanah-something again. Archangel Michael recommended that to me awhile ago about why I get stuck sometimes, and to help me in moments like these.
So did Jonathan. They get it.
I wonder how many people I was guardian of when I was in spirit? Hmm. I'm asking next time.
I don't even understand how I was an ascended spirit Goddess, either! I can't even handle this right now and I'm 25!
(Probably, like, 3,857,846 in soul years)
I just wish I could go back, take a break. Being human sucks.
They're not kidding when they say that Hell is on earth.
...& I finished this blog at 12:34! Been common #s lately...