Hollywood is a mad house.
Literally. It's fuckery on acid.
Btw, forgive any potential 'Huh?'s in the following post. I'm exhausted, but I have to get this out of my head or I'll never sleep.
I can't get an agent, I can't get acting jobs, I can't get anyone to pay two seconds of attention to me or my dreams.
That's stupid to even expect in Hollywood.
If you know anything about me, I'm doing it all myself. At 25, with years of hustle and struggle and moving and travel and bullshit under my belt... It's the only way.
Not following the norm is always hardest. It's always hardest for those with a grander vision, and higher expectations/outcome for themselves/others.
Why am I doing all of this myself? As insanely difficult and seemingly impossible as it is to go about being an actress/producer (especially actress) without an agent/manager/publicist?
Let me list the reasons:
- I refuse to be told to lose weight because it's more marketable for selling sex somehow.
- I refuse to be in anything other than something I choose to wear, in a pose I choose, on the cover of any magazine or in any photo ever. Period.
- Yes, as a woman I do enjoy being 'sexy'. For ME. No one else. I have my own idea of sexy, and if it doesn't fit into some PR/Marketing plan, tough shit.
- No, I will not do ridiculous things or say rediculous things that I don't choose to say or do just to sell something.
- I refuse to have another argument with any director/producer/wardrobe department about what I will and will not wear. Yes, I know I have tits and ass. I was born this way. No, I'm not squeezing myself into booty shorts and a tube too for your film. Kick rocks.
- I will not deal with another email/phone call/message/third party communication from someone telling me that I won't want to go on that audition because they're another group of men that expect you to do sexual favors for things.
- I can't deal with another ride in a transport van with another actress performing sexual acts on the crew/director because "It's how to keep getting work", and then be looked at like I'm supposed to follow suit. Fuck that.
- I can't deal with the silence on every goddamn set. How everyone sees it, and no one fixes it. Can't handle it.
- I'm sick of being expected to go on what are basically dates with all levels of industry men (married and not) to even get a phone number or contact they promised.
- I'm so FUCKING SICK of the characters written into films for women in my age bracket. 18-27 = whores, the other woman, bay watch type characters and 0 storyline. 0 meaning. Just selling sex. Sick of it.
- Because of this:
- I'm sick of the silence from other women who won't stand up or themselves in the film industry. They're either so deep into it that they can't even see it anymore, or they're scared they'll lose everything and never work again. Which is a very very real thing.
- It happens all the time, and no one talks about it. Really. No one really has come forward blowing the whistle on it to help/save/inform other women about it. That's a problem right there.
- Because the people even less likely to talk about it are the men that are pressured into doing things with other men to get jobs. Not only their career is on the line, but their entire marketing campaign as an individual.
- Publicists work for the film industry. Not you. Period. Even tho they take a percentage, they work for the industry and all their peers in studios/sets/etc. They wouldn't put their jobs on the line to save your ass in the media. They wouldn't.
- ...and... Every wrong turn you make as a human being having human flaws and human experiences is more $ in their pocket. More magazine sales, more people calling to book interviews and figure out why and how. They may do a favor here or there, but if you're drowning - they won't save you. They'll make it worse.
* Lindsay Lohan
* Britney Spears
* Heath Ledger
* Anna Nicole
... You get it.
- In the very end of the day, you are expendable. Your entire team may smile and celebrate and have sleepovers and love on you when you're 'hot', but cool down and they not only stop hustling for you... But you're lucky they even remember your name.
- Because marketing for women is all about looks and sex, and for men it's all about power and presence. I want to be known for power and presence, not looks and sex. If I'm signed to absolutely anyone outside of myself, I lose that option.
- Because I've been advised by the agents I used to have at some auditions to 'Dress really cute, they like that.' And I knew exactly what they meant, and was floored.
- Because I had the option of being cast as some girl in a Harold & Kumar movie (I think that's what it was) with absolutely no audition because of how I looked. What was the role? Girl being fingered on a couch. I wouldn't have taken the audition if there was one, and I turned it down as soon as it came out of agents mouth. He said, "Come on, April, people seldom just hand out roles. This is a big film, you should do it." When I argued and said that's not something I would ever, ever do and had told him that several times before, he sighed and said, "Okay, if you want to make it harder on yourself."
- I have openly embraced the fact that I can often be a huge evil bitch, because I was told by older more experienced female colleagues with many years in this industry that, "You have to just accept it. In this industry, when you do any real work - are intelligent - or defend yourself or anyone else... You're a huge bitch. No matter how long you've been working. It'll never go away. Own it."
- I'd much rather be a bitch than a mute follower any day.
- I absolutely refuse to do absolutely anything that a 8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,17,20,24,30,37,40,50 year old woman can look at and feel less-than because of.
- Even now, what I know and the potential I have is continuously made to be inferior to other men. I am constantly looked over and not taken seriously in business meetings, with marketing plans & SEO/SMM strategies because, "What could she know?"
- I first began my work as a producer because the older men who hired me thought I would 'sit there and be pretty, not actually do work'. When I got distribution deals for them and marketing outlines prepared, they dropped me because I 'made them look bad' because I was a young woman, & turned it all around to somehow be my fault.
- Because I enjoy standing up for others, being a voice for the voiceless, and being a real role model for young women. I would have 0 ability to do that when I put my career/life into the hands of others whose #1 objective is to follow the industry standards: Selling sex makes money, Make as much money as possible, spin them to work for our benefit.
... I could go on.
Just speaking from personal experiences, people.
Above all, I refuse to be a part of the problem. A part of the actions and images and marketed feelings and fake concerns and films perpetuating all the problems that show up as extensive issues and horrors in the lives of #YesAllWomen.