Sunday, November 30, 2014

Peace

I am so eternally blessed.

I love life, I love the people in it, and I love every single thing that has ever happened to me - everything that had led me to the place I am now.

Today, as I sit, with everything I have - I am complete.

I never thought I would be happy without main stream success, now - I prefer independent films. The independent circuit is just what I prefer, it has more appeal and allure. 

It's where I feel home.

I never thought I would have the friends and people in my life that I do. Of all professions, all job titles. From doctors and lawyers, small down-home business owners and ad agency superstars, to chefs and sales people... All types not mentioned, and in-between. 

I am so blessed to have them. To have relationships with so many. 

To have a small handful of people I can trust. I'd rather have 2 roots than 100 leaves (check previous blog entries for that explanation). 

The people who have done me wrong that I maybe even miss or wish things had been different I owe thanks and blessings to. Hidden in the human pains and other emotions were good times, and good things. It would be wrong to not remember the good before the bad. 

I am grateful for everyone who has ever stabbed me in the back. Everyone who has ever manipulated me. Everyone who has lied about me, to me, or 'on my behalf'. I am thankful, because it has all led me to this wonderful place. It has helped me discover more of myself. What I accept, don't, and see danger when it comes.

I am exactly, without question, where I am supposed to be. 

That feels so empowering. So freeing. So peaceful.

With some help and reassurance from my guides, I have never been more sure of my gift. The signs I recieve, the fact that I will always be kept safe and protected. That I am not crazy, I am just living with eyes and ears that most aren't aware they have. 

Carol Burnett says, "It took me a long time to realize that 'No' is a complete sentence. No explanation necessary."

Maya Angelou says, "I come as 1, I stand as 10,000."

There are so many others. 

Hold the vision. Trust the process.

Iyanla Vanzant says. "Everything has a meaning, & every person has a purpose."

I have always known myself. Always had a solid head on my shoulders. What I haven't found, until recently, is peace about absolutely everything.

Everything. Past, present, future. Every person, every detail, every piece of it.

People are who they are. Their choices and such are for them and their story. Even if I was caught up in some negativity, partially on me due to not listening to my intuition, it was a lesson I learned. A road they're walking. I left positivity where I could, and had to move along.

The people I have loved and lost will always be with me. The lessons they taught me will never leave this world. I will pass them on and let as many as possible know they have lived. As time goes by, I hope it starts to hurt less. I hear it will. One day, I hope to save more lives with the tragic lessons I've learned because of their choices.

Every sticky business situation I've ever been in was to help me grow. Show me what is possible if I don't develop a strong sense of what I do want and won't compromise on. To help guide me toward a life decision, what I do want to do - in detail - for myself and others. It all helped me become who I am, and sent me to research/discover/learn what I know now.

Everything is a blessing. 

I've had so much help and assistance in life, it's not even funny. Even when I thought it was bad... It was good.

Above all, I am eternally grateful for being the open book I am. I have met some people on these here interwebs that I would have never met in life. Had I not taken a chance. Across state lines, the only fabric of similarity was being a compassionate person. Enjoying meeting new people.

The best things in life hide in places you won't dare to explore.

Thank god I'm somewhat of a dare devil. *wink*

Perhaps it's my openness that helps me with energies, spirits and so forth. That must be a contributing factor.

I laugh about a lot of things. I poke fun at a lot, also. It's a part of who I am, and it's all in good fun. At the core of my being, it's all love. Every piece of it, regardless how it's observed and digested. Like a spiritual Paula Bel, LOL!

All for fun. A laugh, and some love.

Everything I've ever said, even harshly in personal life situations, or anywhere at all - is all out of love. It usually sounds much differently than its intended. I'm also honest. It's been a very interesting road to walk down on finding a middle ground for the world that doesn't see my soul, and just judges what I say by tone and content alone.

It's been peaceful and enjoyable just the same.

One day on hiatus, and already so much contentment. Not that there hasn't been before, but'cha know...

I wrote more of my script today. One of them, anyways. It's so hard to write it, it's very difficult. Just a lot I can't hash out alone, but I'm trusting I will eventually get it. 

I've been assured that classic Hollywood is more like independent film culture than main stream studio things now a days. If the movies and films and people I admire were to do what they did then now, it would for sure have looked like exactly what I aspire to do.

No rush. No hurry. I am going to be 26 soon. I have all the time in the world.

As does anyone, of any age.

Count every blessing. Share joy with as many as possible. Turn negatives into positives, and always remember that your story matters. You're here for a purpose. A divine reason that you must discover. 

You may have only scratched the surface.

You're meant to live in joy. Abundance. Happiness without conditions or limits. Always. In everything.

Fill your soul with light, and let that light spill into everything you say - do - touch.

On that note, I bid you farewell for now. 

XO

Saturday, November 29, 2014

Reflections. Happiness. Time.


I am so grateful that I never became anything more than what I could handle, at any given moment.

That alone is a sheer blessing. Workings from higher powers. Guides and Angels.

My whole life, I've begged and cried and wanted nothing more than to be a child star. When I was young, I would get so angry and upset with my parents when they wouldn't take me to audition for things and put me in agencies.

Now, I am eternally grateful.

At the time, I didn't understand how they wouldn't support my dreams. Now, I get it. I am thankful.

I don't wanna know where I would have been. If I examine it with honesty, probably dead. 

I was naive. Uneducated in life, the business behind it. I was well into my self injury, and suicidal spiral as it was. 

I had absolutely nothing more than a dream, and that was no way to be. My parents weren't gonna be stage parents, and on a level I didn't want to accept or internalize at the time - they knew better.

Even now, in life, I know I'm kept from things. Lucy runs all my business and film affairs - always had, even before I knew she was.

I can see her now, sitting in a chair at a desk looking at what was going on with me - personally - and saying, "Nope. Not yet." 

There is no way she or Jonathan would ever let me fail. Not in the drastic ways most do in Hollywood. No way, under her guidance, would that ever happen. She would destroy the opportunity before that ever happened.

But, even before I knew what I know now... I always had a connection to the higher 'all' and 'spirit world' that isn't apparent to most. 

I felt alarms going off, I felt the funny feelings, I left questionable situations and avoided some people. Off intuition alone. At the time, not knowing what it really was or that Lucy was helping me.

Even in some personal situations, some I didn't listen. Specifically someone who had befriended me, and my desire for a friend severely outweighed my better judgement. My higher consciousness. Said person ended up being a room mate when I lived in CA for a time, and ended up doing me very wrong. 

I knew it would happen. Didn't want to believe it. 

Later on, turns out said person was and probably still is deeply disturbed. Emotionally and mentally. Insane highs and lows on the personality spectrum, once removed from the toxic situation, sent me to research what could possibly be wrong with her. Almost everything on the 'Psychopath' personality breakdown fit this girl. 

She adapted to the human being I am too quickly, was insanely mute and absolutely refused and I believe was totally unable to discuss anything difficult or relevant. Something as simple as, "So what's going on here? What's up?" Was followed by total and complete silence. No joke.

The friendship eventually dissolved once I realized what had been taken from me, manipulated before my eyes, and when I had asked, "So what did I do? Why won't you address it?" And had absolutely 0 response. Not without what most consider basic human kindnesses. 

Going back and second guessing yourselves is what most do, also. I asked a solid handful of people, "So what would you do if I asked you to mail something back to my house?"

Everyone said, "...Uhm... Do it."

She never did. Ignored the requests.

A real, honest friend of mine said to me, "April... Doesn't the fact that she has absolutely 0 friends, 0 family in her life tell you already? Not a single relationship with anyone, outside of promiscuity, for longer than a couple months? That she has told you somehow everyone has done her wrong? She's stolen from you, she doesn't talk to you - all you do is help her. She's trying to be you for God sakes. Come on, April. Wake up."

And I did.

That was the end of it. 

Regardless how many times intuition, and several mediums, told me to stay away from her - she was bad news... I felt bad. Captain Save-a-Hoe, I was. I have since learned my lesson and broken that habit.

As prevalent as everyone made it to me, even in my gut, to stay away... I didn't. Thinking I knew better, and I had to help her. In the end, I ended up being used and played by someone who isn't really capable of having any relationship beyond, "Hey, I work with you! This is my current situation. Let's be friends."

Should have also been a red flag that she has a habit of picking up her entire life and moving on the drop of a dime. No money, no plans. Had I not done some things I did for her, thinking she was a true blue, she would probably be homeless right now. Or, moved to another state. 

But, my kindness and the things I did won't be taken from me. I did good, intentionally. I tried to help, intentionally. Out of the kindness of my heart. 

Once I removed myself from the negative space that was me wanting to take my people over there to beat the living shit out of her for what she did, how she used me, etc - I realized that she did me a solid.

Lies? Yes. Manipulation? Yes. Is she deeply sick and doesn't know it? Yes. But - she helped me realize a type of person I will never, ever allow into my life again.

A one sided friendship I was so blind to because I just wanted a friend. I now know, very clearly, what I will and will not allow in my life. I have also learned a new type of person. Never had I ever, and haven't since, met the type of true crazy and sick that she is in anyone else. And I never will again.

In a backwards way, she helped me improve my life. For that, I have graciousness for her. I send her blessings, wishes for healing and all that, but have successfully closed that door. Locked it, with several locks. Placed a sniper across the street, and put a couple alarms and motion detectors on that bitch. LOL.

Again - as always - I have said nothing here that I haven't said to her face. I never do that. Ever. If she was to read this, it would be no surprise. From what I hear from some of the people she associates with now, she's still the same. I hope, more than anything, she gets the clinical help she needs and moves into an abundant life. Not one that is a shadow or replication of anyone else's.

That's my wish for everyone. Beyond the realities or retelling of anything - in my heart, my soul, that's my wish for everyone. 

Had she been different, had she done what was right and so forth - I'm sure we would be the best of friends. But, not meant to be. She may have things to learn, a harsh reality to wake up to. I don't know. 

Only thing I know is it wasn't meant to be.

As so much just isn't. 

Be upset at first. Be bitter. Feel wronged, because you were. Then, find compassion and forgiveness. 

Before, if I saw her on the street, I would make sure I broke her nose.

Now? I would smile, nod, send silent blessings, and walk on by. Truly feeling the peace in my heart. 

Took awhile, but that's okay. I wasn't where I am now, and I'm only human. 

Which is the point for everything. Feel upset, whatever, then find out what it was meant to be.

A lesson? A teaching? 

Nothing happens that isn't supposed to, just as nothing is missed that is meant for you.

If it's meant for you, it'll come back. It'll find you again when you're ready for it.

If it isn't, then it was meant to go toward your growth. Don't stay angry, find the blessings in it all.

There's some films I didn't get because I wouldn't be naked/topless/in underwear/sleep my way to the role. I was upset and hurt and frustrated at the time. Why? What's going on? Why wouldn't this happen for me?

So many negative thoughts.

Why isn't this happening for me? Why can't I find someone to trust who isn't a douche? Why can't I get to a legit professional set or group of people? Why do they want me to do this? Am I going to never make it because of it? How come I never get sent scripts with good, positive, empowered female characters? Why do they think I'm too fat? It's my boobs that are fucking me over, isn't it? I'm too short? Too many curves? 

Had to stop.

There is no way Lucy was going to send me into the world of fame or anything of the sort with the cloud of frustration and negativity I had over me. No way.

She knew I wasn't ready. She knew I had to find out who I was first. All the way, 100%. Even when I thought I knew, I didn't. 

She knew that. 

After all, she always said:


She made sure I got to a place where I would never look around and wish it hadn't happened. Because it's all a state of mind, lessons learned and people on your circle. 

So much I was meant to do and be. Still, maybe, on my way to it. Who knows! 

But I know I am safe, and protected. 

No one will come into my life who isn't meant to, just as nothing will happen that isn't supposed to, and I will be lifted to a safe place internally before anything happens externally that I can't control internally. 

Say that 5 times fast. *wink*

Really, I found a peace in that - in the place I am in my life - career - everything. A peace and gratefulness I haven't had before. 

So much so, that I'm taking time away from my current most active work (producer and consultant for independent/student films) to focus even more on myself. 

Not on books and insane meditations and practices or retreats or anything. Just - life. 

Spend more time with friends. Go out and take walks thru town in the snow under the lights with a coffee and a friend. Lay around with my cats. Go to my parents for a week or two. Stay the night with some friends. Take a small vacation to an Inn somewhere. Make more fun, random videos on my YouTube. Write more of my scripts, not worrying about editing and working on other peoples scripts. Watch inspirational films and documentaries. Take time every day to have a real conversation with at least 1 stranger. Spend time doing nothing if I want to. Some friends have been begging me to take vacations with them for years, I think I'd like to do that now. I even have friends who have moved to different places and asked me to come stay with them when I have time. Or, go to the museum with myself. Take my little cousins somewhere meaningful - I haven't had real time for them in ages. 

Giving myself as much 'me-time' as I want! Anything I want to do, I'm open and free to do it. 

Of course, still working the law of attraction the whole time. Not letting anything go, just doing what all the sages and seers say to do. "Let it all go, keep it in your heart, and watch the universe make it happen."

A miraculous opportunity/person/situation/job comes up in the meantime? Sure! Absolutely! But, you know what I mean. 

Finally take time to really work on me - and just not work on me when I can. 

My life and everything in it is a blessing. Everything that happened, good and bad, was meant for a higher purpose. 

I am thankful for everything that was kept from me. I am thankful for everything bad that was done/happened to me. I am optimistically and spiritually excited for all the wonderful people that will be in my life that I haven't met yet. I am joyfully looking forward to every beautiful thing that will happen to/for me, as joyfully as I wake up every morning and enter my dreams every night. 

The world is just so beautiful. All of it. 

I am so thankful for my guides and Angels. My intuition and higher consciousness. The good people I do have in my life, and have had for 10 years and more. 

I'll put it like this, guys:

There's nothing more beautiful, more meaningful, more centering, than - for example - sitting on a bench. In a park covered in snow, lit by thousands of lights. Wearing a warm jacket, tons of layers, socks, boots. The blessings in being able to wear a jacket alone and know I have several homes to go home to is centering enough, but... 

...holding a coffee or hot chocolate that I am blessed to be able to afford. Two arms, two legs, a heart that's beating. Breathing in the cold winter air, watching people and families run around and play in ice sculptures and take pictures with all the Christmas decorations. Thankful that I can see this beauty. Even more thankful that I can feel so much happiness.

Being able to smile at the kids, walk around into shops, strike up conversations with anyone who is open enough to talk to me too. 

Knowing that everyone is a part of a huge story. Something so much bigger than they realize. That that child will grow into an adult, and that adult will grow into an elderly person, and that grandparent will eventually find a close on all the lessons they were meant to learn, and rise up. (Level up, I like to say.)

That every one of them is a universe. Every person is everything they've ever wanted, but haven't realized it yet. 

A sharp pang of sadness when I realize that they may never realize that. They're so much more than they're aware of.

To wonder what life lessons they already been dealt, or will be. What situations will either break them, or build them. To wonder who will make it, and who won't. Silently willing everyone to always make it.

Maybe I get to see their Angels, relatives who have already passed. Rare for me in crowds, but possible. Energy is easier. Hard to distinguish things but much easier.

To look around and watch so much life happening. Active, joyful, beautiful. 

That, that is very gratifying. Centering. On those levels, with those eyes and ears, makes me feel whole. 

Taking the time to do that whenever the hell I want. 

I like it.

Be grateful for everything, guys. All the good and the bad. Find lessons, don't stay angry. Find love for everyone, even the people who have hurt you. Forgive so you can find lasting peace - and don't be afraid to change a course. Do things for yourself. 

You're the only one going in your casket. 

Make sure you go home happy, positive, and having lived the life you wanted to live. Not something you just settled for or accepted, no. Live from the depth of your soul.


XO

Friday, November 28, 2014

Visits

The other night, I was laying in bed. Eyes closed, trying to sleep.

I feel someone step up beside my bed to watch me, and I see that it's Lucy. 


I haven't seen her - in life or a dream - in some time. I got so drearily excited.

"Hi Mama!"

I usually see her when she was older. 60s/70s. This time, she was younger. I don't think I've ever seen her present herself so young. 

Honestly, weird, but I felt like I was seeing a mixed image of her. Like some cross between 'I Love Lucy' season 2-3 aged Lucy, and 'Here's Lucy' aged Lucy. Weird.

She didn't say anything, but smiled really big and lifted her left hand to wave. 

I laughed, and said, "I love you."

She smiled sincerely, and said, "Awh. I love you, too, April."

She continued to watch me for a minute or more, I felt Jonathan there too but I couldn't see him. Then she was gone, and I'm pretty sure as soon as she left I was out.

I had a dream that I was talking to someone, sitting on a park bench. I think I was talking to Jonathan, but I didn't see him. 

A night or two after, I had a dream that I sat up in my bed. It was my bed, but everything around it was hazy and bright white. 

Then, I see my baby - my Cuddles, who passed away 6 years ago - jump up on my bed.


I got so excited, but I was confused too. I remember talking to her but at the same time willing myself to remember this dream. 

"This is a visit. Remember this."

Every morning when she was alive, she would jump up onto my bed and nudge my arm until I lifted it up so she could lay right with me. My arm draped over her. We'd sleep that way until whenever I woke up for the day.

In the dream, she did the same, only I laid back down and she laid right with me like she used to.

Off in the distance, energetically, I felt Kitty, my other cat who has been gone maybe 7 years close by.


On the floor of my dream-world bedroom, I felt my dog, Pistol, who has been gone for a good 12 years or so. If my memory serves me, I could bet that I heard him panting. 


My God, I miss them so much. 

But, I know and have been told several times that they are very fierce and powerful protectors of mine. 

It was truly beautiful. Talking to Lucy, seeing Cuddles and feeling Kitty and Pistol close by.

How can anyone dismiss a gift, a beautiful reality that is that world so much closer than we think? 

Whatever it's called, whatever I am... I don't care. I'm in love with it. 

Every time anything of the sort happens to me, from a confusing vision to a very direct visit... I feel immensely blessed. Thankful. Empowered, and overjoyed. 

I love the spirit world, and all my friends/family in it. I'm so thankful I am open and able to see/recieve from them. So, so thankful. 

It's... Amazing. 

& So, so beautiful. 

XO

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Legends

Randomly decide to tweet out the legendary icons I adore, respect and admire - as an actress, as a woman, and as an inspiration for sheer business in this industry. 

The list (with Twitter's character limit) included true legends such as Bette Midler, Ruth Buzzi (who follows me, might I add! #fangirlmoment), and Carol Burnett.

Turn on my TV and what is on? Annie.

Whose face do I see? Carol Burnett.

*aspiring sigh*

(There are 0 coincidences.)

I'd love to work with/sit down and chat with any of them. Hell, I'd take just having an opportunity to learn from them. Pick their brains, ask a million questions. 

I don't believe it's arrogant to only desire to work with/learn from what I consider to be true legends. Honest to god geniuses, & real talent. I want to be the best, so I want to learn from the best. 

So. Many. Questions. 

One day. 

I really don't have many people I'd want to sit down and learn from. 

"But April, isn't Lucille Ball supposed to be your dead person guide or something?"

It's spirit guide, and yes she is. But she isn't human. Not right now. Not anymore. It would be really beautiful to be able to talk face to face with a human being, have a physical presence discuss things with me. Share physical earth space with me. 

Let me ask questions, watch them work, observe them and ask more questions. Get advice, teachings, see what they think of what I do. What they have to say to me and anything they think I should/shouldn't do differently. 

That sucks tho. I have maybe a handful of people who are alive and even somewhat close to my age. The others are aging, and there's another contribution to the clock ticking away in the back of my head. 

The entire list - completed - of people (alive, anyways) is as follows:

• Betty White
• Bette Midler
• Ruth Buzzi
• Don Rickles
• Tippi Hedren
• Carol Burnett
• Robert DeNiro 
• Oprah
• Shirley MacLaine
• Debbie Reynolds 
• Angelina Jolie
• Anthony Hopkins
• Jerry Lewis
• Jane Fonda
• Wentworth Miller
• Doris Day
• Maureen O'Hara
• Olivia de Havilland
• Akiva Goldsman
• Liza Minnelli
• Dick Van Dyke
• Kevin Smith
• Cloris Leachman
• Clint Eastwood 
• Bob Schiller
• Joss Whedon
• Jenji Kohan
• Hugh Laurie
• Mariska Hargitay
• Patrick Stewart 
• Will Smith

... that's actually a longer list than I thought I had, LOL! 

Not including who has passed, either.

There may be more, but I'm not exactly sure who is still alive and who isn't. 

I'll probably never get to ever even be in the same room as most of them, most are well into their 90s, but... There it is!

It's rare to get the opportunities to learn for folks who excel at what they do, who are genius and legendary, but - never know. 

Everyone is human. No one is better or less than anyone else. People are people, everyone is connected somehow anyways, and stranger things have happened. 

Sucks that I'll probably have to 'get to that place' and be at that 'level of fame' before I'm ever able to share space and learn with those folks. Before they believe I'm serious, sane, and not full of shit. 

*shrug* 

Troublesome. Bothersome, anyways. That's Hollywood tho now a days, I guess. Some have retired, some are too old and not up for it, some aren't contactable and some are too busy/not interested. 

There's still a lot out there. No matter what, from a film to a script to an interview... There's ways to learn without being invited to share space, so that's good. 

Ruth Buzzi is retired, I doubt Bette Midler runs her own Twitter & there's no contact email on her website. Tweeted and emailed Oprah a couple times, nada. Some others I have no reason to contact them at this specific moment, and with the notion that 'they don't do that anymore' present... There's almost no point. 

I get that this industry isn't how it used to be, like when Lucy invited kids and aspiring actresses to her home to stay and learn under her. 

The psychos have fucked everything for people who genuinely want to learn and grow. Fuckers! 

So, I get it. 

I can't wait until there comes the day, tho, that I get tweeted at. That I get emailed or contacted... And I actually reach out. 

I can't wait until the day that I get to sit across from someone who wants to know something I know. Do something I do. Give them a chance. Believe in them. 

Can't do it all day every day, I know, but when I can and when it's safe... I can't wait. 

The industry greats that have taken the time to sit down with me, you know who you are and I thank you. You've shown me a kindness, a common ground, a standard humanness that isn't anyone above anyone else. I'll never forget that, and I'll never forget the phone number in my phone for any crisis I need an answer to.

I hold the friendships I've made close to my heart, & cherish every person who has ever seen me for what I am and taken a personal interest in my life.

You all contribute in huge ways to my desires and aspirations. Just because my passions and desires lie in creating films and a strong production company doesn't mean people fall away.

My legacy will always be this:

Take care of myself so I can continue to do what I can for others, first. 
Film, second. 

I'm human. Sometimes I will stray, I will have to work in some weird way to make sure I'll be able to work with people - so forth. But... I aim to inspire, empower, infuse others with faith and positivity. Far above and beyond I desire fame or fortune. 

It'll be hard to do while I'm starting up, but, y'all get me.

I will have done what I'm meant to do if when I am spoken about, Oprah is mentioned and I am said to be of that spirit and consciousness. 

Did any of that make sense? I'm following my gut instinct on writing this, and I babble, so... Yeah. 


Love, Peace & abundance with you all.

Can I be your friend?

I'm inspired by people who aren't afraid to speak their truth. 

The people who are loud, opinionated, often judged as crass or vulgar. 

People who don't care if you like what they say. Even maybe say it knowing it won't be recieved well.

People who will stand tall and proud, even if standing alone.

People who even after you vocalize that you don't agree or like what they say, keep saying it. 

People who aren't afraid of being the 1%.

Not to be confused with people who go around intentionally hurting others, no. But it takes a skilled and very open minded, not without open spirited, individual to see and understand - not without appreciate - the difference.

They're the people who will go to war with you. 

They're the people who, if you truly prove yourself - truly stand with them in friendship, will go to war for you.

They're the people who change lives.

Change the world.

Make the absolute biggest impact. 

They're the people who laugh at anything, with the knowledge that behind most humor is unity. 

They're the people who are practically never offended. They're so open to so much, they don't mind the intentional negativity when it meets them.

They're the people who find a solid balance. Know when to find 'intentional forcefulness', like when others are dealing with extreme cases. Such as violence, some life or death crisis. Etcetera. 

They also know where to put action, or a pointed statement. May not be well recieved, but getting an individual's wheels turning to propel them into a positive action that must be their choice and theirs alone... Helps. Even if no one else thinks so.

Not all the time... But usually, most of the time. 

I love those kinds of people because they come in thousands of forms.

You're probably thinking I'm talking about some arrogant asshole who bitches at everyone and says a ton of shit no one likes. Offends on purpose. Throws insults left and right, chucks a deuce, and walks away giving no fucks. 

(Which is you making a judgement, and being judgmental. You and your judgey self. 

*hits you with a rolled up newspaper* 

Stop that!)

They're not those people at all.

Sometimes, they're someone who makes one brave statement that changes a life.

Sometimes, it's the person who puts all their energy and time into writing something brilliant. Something no one else had the time/dedication/bravery to write. 

It's the prophets, sages and seers. Who say and do what no one else would.

It's the kid in school who had the balls (or tits) to tell the bully to go fuck themselves.

Additionally, when being pushed and hit and shoved around... It's the kid who finally, after dealing with it for what feels like ages, hits back. Pushes back. Shoves back.

Finds their voice. Their power.

It's the person who looks someone else in the eye and refuses to give up on them. Regardless the words coming out of their mouth, knowing the defiance and avoidance is another mask. 

Additionally, it's the person who may have to scream and push and shove the sense into someone to save a life. To send them to rehab. To send them to a therapist. Go get them to take a positive step. 

One they wouldn't have taken had they never been met with unwavering fearlessness, unmasked reality and a honest force that forced them to see something they hadn't seen before...

...or, saw and just let everyone believe they didn't. Everyone except the person who comes along and isn't afraid to call it out. 

It's the person who finally says enough is enough, and leaves an abusive relationship.

It's the person who murders the shit out of their depression, and finds happiness.

It's the person who isn't afraid to go against everything they've been told to believe, or think.

It's the person who shoves your face into a potential reality, and screams, "DO YOU SEE WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE DOING?!"

It's the person who re-evaluates their lives, and makes a new decision. Throwing the finger to everyone and living in their true happiness and peace. 

...and there's a thousand of types between. 

I love those people because they're the people who would give everything for someone they love. Consider a friend. 

They're the people who would show up anywhere, anytime, any day, to be there for you. Absolutely 0 questions asked.

And they'd have bells on.

They're the people that aren't afraid to scream at you, or hug and kiss on you when you need them to.

They're the people who, when its you against 20, will fearlessly stand beside you with a smile on their face and fight 20x's harder - because it's for you, and they care about you.

They come in different ages, genders, sexual preferences, races, social classes, professions, so forth. 

They come in varying degrees. Some are, on the more dramatic end, of the Dr. House variety. Some, on the lesser end, are like any 5-year-old you'll ever talk to. In the middle? Any teenager. 

Well, 5-year-old is still pretty harsh. They're unforgiving. Maybe, more on the lighter end would be someone who makes peaceful suggestions timidly that aren't popular?

That's one of the reasons I love children. They're so brutally honest, and - honestly - they're usually 1,000% accurate. 

Yes, the lessons on being polite and what is rude aren't to be skipped - but, if you're a sensitive person - stay away from children. Until they're about, eh, 30? Maybe?

Solid age for social conditioning, I suppose. *shrug*

Then again, the day and age they're growing up in now - can't really guarantee anything promising.

(You can count your enormous blessings if your child isn't able to be profiled on '16 & Pregnant' of 'Intervention', and stays away from any reality shows casting. 

Oh, and now a days you've got 10-12 year olds making sex tapes and being tried and convicted in a court of law as an adult for heinous crimes and shit, so, yeah.)

Oh yeah, that's surely a good point. Unless you're the parents with the miraculous child of the 1% (which means calm, always obedient, respectful, follows rules...) then get ready for some trying times. Teenagers to scream and yell that you're a worthless piece of shit and they hate you.

But, I'm told you usually get a child the opposite of yourself. So, my kids should be peaceful and obedient brainiacs. 

Then again, my parents always asked themselves - loudly - with me present, "What did I ever do to deserve a child like you? I didn't do anything wrong. I was a good kid. Is this punishment for something?"

So, some schools of thought are that you're punished by your children. 

*shrug*

Not my point. But, you get it.

Of course, you wouldn't put two Dr. House's together in any romantic situation. Nor would you put two meek people together. 

Unless, I guess, you like total chaos or a yawn-worthy life. Whatever floats your boat!

That's probably where 'opposites attract' comes from? Perhaps. 

Outgoing, more bold types appreciate a romance with someone who can calm them and maybe help them analyze their thoughts. Keep them on an even level, so to speak. 

Likewise, more quiet types usually appreciate the more outgoing people. Excitement, and opportunity for their own personal and sometimes social advancement. Scary part on this end, when its the quiet more shy person going toward someone more - lively and opinionated - they sometimes find the total wrong person. Way, way too outgoing and without any inner gauge. 

That's usually when perfect life wants too much excitement, and ends up ruining their life. See a blog post or two before this one. 

I digress...

I love knowing that no matter where I am, there's gatta be - for example - someone else in there as crazy as I am. Someone else, besides myself, who would put themselves in front of a crazy gunman to save the lives of everyone in the place. 

I'm not as wildly outgoing and bold and loud as some. I'm actually working on more peace, curbing most of who I am because most either don't understand it or can't handle it. It's better anyways, to be quieter and let others just think I'm unsocial. 

In my travels, I've discovered others of higher consciousness - light workers - people with differences and stuff also go thru this phase. Finding out how to find quiet. Shyness, even. 

I've heard that it's hard. It is. 

Biggest realization? I'll still fight to the death for people I love. I'll still scream in your face to save your life. I'll still say things people probably don't like, so forth. 

Only to people who get it. 

People who know me backward, forward, inside and out. Which is a slim number. 

So far, anyways.

I'm down two people since Kyle and Jared killed themselves. Fuckers.

Don't get me wrong, I'm probably judged by some as vulgar and opinionated and maybe even offensive on here. My videos. Podcasts. 

...but in person? When I'm in groups and stuff? Getting to know people? Nope. 

Time and place for everything.

This is my space. My videos are my space. My Facebook and Twitter is my space. 

Boss and the Terror Troop Podcast is a place I feel at home, so I can be free to live in my space there. The audience relates, they get it, Boss went from someone I met in a media blitz to a close personal friend. He totally gets me. 

Anywhere else? Gatta take the temperature of the room.

But I love loud, opinionated people who are often judged as crass or vulgar. 

I overheard someone at Starbucks today say into their phone, "...and that's why people tell you you're boring."

I smiled, felt like I was embraced in a warm hug, and instantly liked that person. 

Every person and personality fits in this world. It creates a necessary balance. If everyone was the same, we would all be leading useless lives.

I'm just saying, the ones that piss you off are probably my favorite. 

And, keep this in mind: That 'asshole', that person who does and says what others don't/won't, has probably experienced some serious pain and trauma in their own lives that you may/may not ever discover. 

For the ones with positivity and growth as their intention behind it all, they're only doing/saying because they have been broken so many times (or so severely) that they really and truly realize that life is too short to pussyfoot around certain things. 

I'm thankful for all of you, no matter who you are! I've got your backs! BAM! 

Overall, we're all human. Just accept everybody, be open and don't be hung up on one type of person.

Everyone has a place, everyone has a reason and purpose. 

...maybe 'that asshole' is actually there to change your life? 


4am eating is okay on Thanksgiving, right? Give no fucks! I'm eating anyways! 

Happy Thanksgiving!

XO

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Conversations with my Mom: Eminem.

*ring-ring*

<I answer the phone>

Me: Hi Mom.

Mom: Dear God, April, what do you have blasting in the background?

<I turn down my music>

Me: Sorry, I was cleaning.

Mom: What is it?

Me: Uh... Music?

Mom: You know what I mean, smartass.

Me: Don't worry about it.

Mom: Who was it?

Me: You don't wanna know.

Mom: April...

Me: Eminem. 

Mom: Ooooohhhhh. Well that's okay. I love Eminem.

Me: Oh yeah, I forgot.

Mom: What's he been up to lately?

Me: I don't know, just know about the CD. He did a new Cypher.

Mom: That's the free rap stuff, right?

Me: Freestyling?

Mom: That.

Me: Yep!

Mom: Send me the links. 

Me: I doubt you wanna hear it, Mom.

Mom: April, come on, please? I'll never find them on that video tube thing. 

Me: YouTube?

Mom: Whatever.

Me: Okay, I will.

Mom: I've always loved Eminem. He lived so close to us, too. Still does. I would have adopted him.

Me: We could have kind of been related to the Rap God.

Mom: Such a wonderful man, that Eminem. Very talented, too. 

Me: *laughing* Want me to get you his contact information so you can write a fan letter?

Mom: That's not a bad idea. Maybe I will.

Me: I think you're potentially his only female fan over 60. 

Mom: God, April, don't you ever repeat that! I'm 55!

Me: ...Over 50...

Mom: That's better.

*pause*

Mom: ...I want an Eminem t-shirt for Christmas... 



#ILoveMyMom 

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Writing a screenplay: with Alfred Hitchcock

<play 'masterpiece theater' type music>

VO: We now welcome you to, 'Writing a screenplay: with Alfred Hitchcock'...

<fade in>

Me: *typing away*

Alfie: It's too gorey, dear.

Me: ...Really?

Alfie: Yes.

Me: Well, I'm not exactly putting a film into a 1950s cinema.

Alfie: I don't understand horror films these days. Where is the story? 

Me: No clue, man. No clue.

Alfie: You may want to revisit your dialogue. 

Me: I will when I'm done.

Alfie: *laugh*

Me: What?

<silence>

Me: *typing away*

Alfie: You're a smart young woman. You'll do just fine. 

Me: Editing?

Alfie: Completing. 

Me: Thanks.

<silence>

Me: ...Hello?

<silence>

Me: ...Goodbye.

<fade out>

VO: That was, 'Writing a screenplay: with Alfred Hitchcock'. 

<music fades out>

-

Fun Fact: He's a kind of creepy womanizer. Was in life, still is. Ruined Tippi Hedren's career and stalked her a little, too. Lucy won't let him get out of a chair when he talks to me, so I only ever converse with him while he's confined to a baby blue recliner. 

He's only ever spoke to me regarding this specific script of mine, his films, and another script (not mine) that he loves & I had questions about. He's better around men - or, I assume he would be safer for them anyways. Convos I have had with him are always kept short, too, under Lucy's direction and authority. She's not just a career guide, she's an insanely powerful force of protection. 

Thank you, Alfie, for answering my questions and helping me out where/when you're allowed, lol. 

Of course, thank you, as always, Mama Lucy. Never felt safer than knowing you and Jonathan got my back! 

-

** http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2251425/Tippi-Hedren-tells-Alfred-Hitchcock-turned-sexual-predator-tried-destroy-her.html

Friday, November 21, 2014

Principle of Success

"There's a principle of success that says, 'The way to achieve your own success is to be willing to help somebody else get it first.' I learned that. So I want you to get it. I want to support you and bless you, and give that to the universe because if I do - I know it's gonna come back to me!" 

"Because what Whoopi Goldberg said as Celie in 'The Color Purple' is true, because 'everything I even try to do to you - is already done to me'."


Iyanla Vanzant and Oprah, 'Lifeclass' 
YouTube: Lifeclass

On the Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN)

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Rebellion vs Authenticity

Some people subconsciously look for ways to rebel - to stray from the 'perfection' their lives offered - & don't even realize it.

I've never understood why some people, especially adults, do this.

They don't realize they do it - but, they do. It often has a severely negative effect on their lives (no surprise there), & they're left wondering, "How the fuck did I get here?"

To explain this, I'll tell you about some people I know.

There's a girl I know quite well. She will be the first to tell you she had a perfect life. Both parents loved her unconditionally. She got good grades, excellent grades. Was taken on tons of trips and given extravagant gifts. She was the apple of their eye. 

She was never abused or mistreated, as a result she never suffered from depression or fell into any addictions. She was the perfect girl-next-door. 

She never got into any trouble in school, had wholesome friends, was wonderful. Didn't bring boys home, focused on school and never went to a party or drank or did any kind of drug. 

She went to a great college - more of the above. No parties, good grades, the child every parent probably dreams for. 

Then, college provided a new social circle. New people who had experienced more of life's horrors. 

As she graduated college, she had a wonderful perfect boyfriend. The Ken to her Barbie, so to speak. Family loved him, they were going to get married.

Then, this friend meets a 'bad boy'. First bad boy she's ever encountered.

He's older, he's tough, he has street smarts and has dealt with a thing or two. He smokes pot, he's a 'thug'. Everything she never was.

She says she was bored with her fiancĂ©. The boring life, all that. Needless to say, she broke up with him and started seeing this new 'bad boy'. 

This guy has said time and time again to her, "I don't like you like that", yet she continues to allow him to use her as a 'booty call'. She's forever attached to his hip, pays for things for him (he has no job), & has no idea really what the 'bad boy' life is.

Regardless that I have told her he has propositioned me, regardless that I have showed her texts and reiterated how he's not only tried to get with me but other friends of hers she isn't aware of... She makes excuses, in his favor, and continues this questionable behavior.

She started listening to rap music, wears different clothes, does her hair differently, and had once said to me, "What the fuck do I have to do to get him to want me?! Be YOU?!"

She, no kidding here, went out and bought the same clothes I wore. The same jewelry. Started saying and doing the same things. Started smoking pot with him, and becoming a person she wasn't before meeting him.

This - all I've said above - is the rebellion she never had as a teenager. 

She's trying so hard to escape the wholesome, good girl she innately is - it's alarming.

It's even in a rap song:

"...the hood girls want a smart n***a,
College girls all want a thug..."
- Wale, 'Bad' 

Implying that the girls who've already lived that life already know what's up. They're done. They want better. More. Out. 

However, the college girls - the smart girls with their lives of perfection - want the taste of 'that life', with the thugs. 

Aside from that, how do I know this? Well, 1) I'm not stupid, I can see it a mile away. 2) She basically admitted it.

"April, you've been thru so much. You are a different person, you know things. I'm so sick of being the goody goody. The sweet cute girl next door. I hate it."

"I wish I had some of your experiences, I didn't do anything."

"It's so awesome meeting different people. I never had friends like you guys."

"What do I have to do to be like that?"

"What do I have to be to get him to want me?"

"I hate being perfect."

So on. 

I've explained to her a million times how those guys operate, and how this is a rebellion for her. 

"No, I love him."

"Why do you love him?"

<insert a bunch of stupid reasons>

"...because he's so different than you."

And as I've told her, that's okay as long as things are positive. Loving. Beneficial. It's not good, and isn't in this case, when you begin to compromise everything you are to please someone else. 

But - this is the huge party she never attended

He is the fight she never got in.

This is the addiction she never experienced.

The new clothes and new attitude to appeal to this guy is the partying too hard, staying up too late, getting suspended and all that that she never lived.

And now, she's looking at people like me - him - and desiring it. 

Those who have really been there know how foolish a desire that is.

It appears in a thousand ways. Rebellion. 

And most don't know that the way they chose to rebel often results in a lifestyle change that they will one day look back on and hate themselves for.

In a desperate attempt to wake her up, save her from herself, I have yelled at her, "What is wrong with you?! Your parents are fucking perfect! You had a beautiful life! What the fuck are you shitting on it all for?! Why in the hell would you want my life?! The struggle? The experienced I have had? He has had? Why would you put yourself in that place?! I would give anything to trade places and have had that beautiful life!"

"You don't understand..."

No. I don't. I can never understand that. 

So often, people look for 'a reason' or 'a change' in the worst things possible. In a new cause, a new person, a new job or whatever. 

When it's someone trying to escape some kind of perfection or ridgid formatting of a broken childhood - it's usually never positive. Or beneficial. 

It usually compromises everything they are, turns them into someone they're not, and they're left in a shit storm. Wondering how the fuck they got there, and what went so wrong. 

Another example...

...I spoke about the girl I know who is a heroin addict in my last post, I believe.

Her family comes from money. Great jobs. Always pushed to do good in school. Perfect clothes, perfect house. A house that could be featured in 'Better Homes & Gardens'. 

She got the best clothes, all of that. Parents helped out with money, so on and so forth. 

This perfection and picture perfect shit tested her sanity, and she looked for escape in all the wrong places with all the wrong people. 

The places and people I, too, became familiar with. 

One of the biggest reasons for my distance from her. You can't change unless you remove any and all questionable people from your equation. I want to stay sober, happy, healthy? I don't ever need to see or be in any of those places with any of those people again. They're bad news, sadly - her included - and even tho I have love for her and then because of the space they once held in my heart, I can't ever be friends - true friends - with them ever again. 

One thing lead to another, and before she knew it she was a heroin addict with 5 kids she can't support. Living in a broken down trailer, can't pay for heat or water, can't shower or put gas in a car. Working for drugs and seeing her kids who live with her parents and cousins once a month. 

She still has a rocky relationship with her parents, who have stopped giving her anything (thank God), and still holds so much anger and hostility to them. 

Even today, as she stands, a woman almost 40, she hates where she came from. And consistently holds the spot for every pain her parents put on her and feeds it with drugs and the situations she puts herself in. 

She still talks about her parents and their life and what they did and is so bitter and angry. Still leaves from visiting her kids with, "She thinks she's better" and all that.

Still rebellious. Still trying to push buttons and be the exact opposite of who her parents tried pushing and forcing and forming her to be.

She still talks about her life and the people in it, even all the time she spent in jail and everything, with the same glimmer of excitement in her eyes as she did when she was young. 

What the fuck?

It's not even something as simple as the 'bad boy's who introduced her to drugs anymore. Its way, way beyond. 

This will kill her. She knows it.

She doesn't bother with changing her life. Quite the opposite. She's very happy and peaceful in it. She's brilliant. A very smart woman. She knows what she would have to do to chance, and she prefers not to.

"I've been this way for too long. It is what it is."

Uuughhhh! Makes me want to beat the sense back into her!

I can't stand people who just let shit cover them like that. I can't. I can't stand people who don't stand up and fight. I can have this stance, I've fucking walked those roads. I've been there.

It's hard to come back, it is. But it's even worse to just roll over and be done with fighting for your life, and your happiness.

When I met up with her last, she kept saying how many people said hey and how many people remembered me and wondered what I was doing and where I was. How they're offended because I don't acknowledge them anymore and all that. 

"That's not my life anymore."

"So suddenly you're better than everyone?"

"No, I've never said that. I can't be sober and be where I am and still deal with all that. You know that. I have to be removed."

"You say it like it's easy."

"God damnit, you know it's not! It wasn't, but it is now."

<insert dirty look>

"I know where the fuck you are. Don't sit and talk to me like I don't. I've been there, so you get no sympathy and 20 chances from me. No. I won't co-sign your choices. Fuck that."

"Right."

"Don't do that shit with me."

"Oh because you're all 'Hollywood' now? Because you found sobriety? Because you have this wonderful life with a company and all that? Your view must be nice from up there."

"Fuck you, <name>. Fuck you. Don't you ever assume that's where I am. I've told you a thousand times how hard it is, I've given you resources I used. I tried to help you get somewhere else and you never wanted it."

"I can't do it."

"Yes you can."

"No, I can't."

"Well. Then you've made up your mind haven't you?"

<long pause> "I guess I have."

I've seen so many people do so much insanity to rebel. To be the version of whoever they never got to be, or even worse - the person their parents said they would become/would never be able to become.

I can't even tell you how many broken, misguided lives are being led because a parent once told that child they were unlovable, or not worthy of love. 

Believe me, I understand the hold that has on people. It isn't until you really realize it, however, that you're free of it.

I remember always watching my sisters with my Mom and how they loved to shop and buy jewelry and dress like a damn Kardashian. That was never me. 

My Mom would always say things like, "What are you wearing? You look homeless." Or, "What is going on with your hair? It looks horrible. Like a birds nest."

Those types of things, I suppose, did push me further to rebel. In those ways. I always enjoyed makeup and getting my nails done, but I never enjoyed wearing uncomfortable clothes or going out of my way to 'dress up'. I continued wearing pajamas to school, doing what I wanted with my hair & more. 

I remember getting into severe fights with my Mom at clothing stores because she refused to buy me the clothes I wanted to wear. 

That, and hoodies worked best for self injury. Clothing didn't stick to scabs, and if it did break open and bleed it wouldn't bleed thru my clothes. 

My mother was a woman who dedicated her time to putting us girls in dresses and frilly socks, sitting on us to curl or braid our hair to perfection, only to run around and have her chase us to keep our clothes perfect and our appearance flawless. 

Me, when I was little. Maybe 2 or 3.

I think this was my 1st birthday. 

Maybe 5 or 6...



Then, I got older. I got angry, and this happened:




I was drunk in this one... 


I was pilled out in this photo... 

I know we had all been drinking in this one. 

I was drunk in this one.


It was all pain, hurt, purging. A little rebellion with how I dressed, but all the drugs and drinking and self injury was so much pain. I have so many photos of myself as a child where it's obvious I have been crying. 

So sad. 

If I had a dollar for the hurtful comments about what I wore and what I looked like from her, I'd be rich. 

But...! 

It wasn't until I realized, as everyone must with their parents, where their hurts come from. Their parents hurt. 

I will never forget once I was in the car with my family and we were driving somewhere. Along the route, we passed a prison. My Mom pointed to it and said, "Hey April, that's where you'll end up if you don't get it together."

My siblings chimed in, "Yeah, we'll be sending you letters for the rest of our lives."

"Don't you already have an inmate number?"

Laughter. Like it was funny. 

Which only made me more anxious to get to the destination, so I could find the bathroom and take the pills I had hidden in my bra. Numb myself and send myself into Neverland so my body could be present, but my brain could be somewhere else.

My principal use to tell me that all the time, too. "Washko, I hope I don't catch you on Americas Most Wanted."

My life wasn't really about rebellion, as I look back. It was all about release. Releasing emotions and trauma, by way of angry outbursts in school and violently fighting anyone who dared look at me or my friends wrong. 

I was always a fighter. Always. And I fought my parents so strongly and so fiercely, as I would assume one raised abused in an abusive home would, they gave up after awhile. 


And when they gave up, this happened:



Disney World. My Mom actually didn't find anything wrong with this. I smuggled so many pills to Florida it wasn't even funny. I was pilled out in this one, don't even remember it. I remember her saying, "It's a bunny! It's okay!" Oh, Mom. Silly Mom. I think I was 14.

What almost got us kicked out of our Choir Banquet. We were rehearsing it here. 

There are so many others, but the point is I get it. It's all, really, just pains and purging and doing different and rebellion and anger and hostility. Even if it doesn't look like it on the surface, or feel like it at the time. 

I went from negative to positive & it's all good. 

But I see so much rebellion. So much. 

So many people are trying to do and be something different, subconsciously probably. 

Like, another example: fighting for/supporting a cause/movement.

I had a friend of a friend ask me the other day, "So, why do you do all this cutting info stuff and suicide stuff? I see it all over your pages."

I explained Kyle, Jared, and a bit of my own struggles. 

"Yeah, but have you really done it? I mean, you seem pretty together."

"I didn't use to be."

She stopped for a moment, then said, "Well, it's cool. You don't seem desperate about it. Lots of people seem to just have a desperation to do something. Doesn't matter what it is."

That was an Oprah certified 'Ah-Ha!' moment for me, and ties into what this post is. I guess. 

Am I someone who finds some of my own worth on the work I do with others struggling? Yes. 

Am I someone who enjoys counseling kids and adults of all ages and genders? Yes.

Am I someone who really doesn't mind putting my face on self injury or suicide awareness? Yes. 

...Why?

Well, it makes me happy.

...Why?

Because helping people is close to my heart. People who want help, anyways. 

Because I've been there. 

...Why?

Because I've self injured for 10+ years, and I know even beyond my relapses that I have walked myself out of it. 

But why do I do it?

Because I know what it's like to have no one there. No one to talk to who has honestly walked that road.

Because there are so many adults to tell these people what to do who haven't. 

Because no one else will.

So why did I decide to do this?

Because at Jareds funeral, enough was enough. I saw, first hand, the silence that was killing my people and so many others.

So it was my choice?

Yes.

No one asked me to do it. No one suggested I do it. 

I had no pain I needed to channel. I had no desire to rebel in any way. I had no requirement to do so from anyone else. 

It was truly a place in my heart and my soul that I independently realized, "April, you know this. You've walked it. Pay it forward, and give whatever you can to someone else who needs it. You're strong, you're tough, you can do this."

It was my soul, at peace, independently telling me, "It's time. There's no one better than you to be that person for others. Go and be unafraid and unashamed. Go and be that for everyone who still is."

And when I did? It was like a breath I was waiting to exhale that I didn't even realize. 

It was when everything with my company fit together, and I began formulating positive plans for a positive film force. 

It was when I fully embraced myself, and because I have 0 fear of anyone's opinions. 

My best friend did not kill himself in vain. How dare it not be openly and forcefully discussed. 

Because I know what so many don't, and have a fearless stance on it all from a thousand different sides.

Because I can see the pain in someone else a mile away, and need to reach that person. Somehow. 

Because I am a fighter. Even if I don't know you, you need someone to stand with you? I'll be the first volunteer. 

Because myself and everyone struggling it recovered may not say it, but knows that is what is necessary. 

Because I am required to do more in the world than just be a pretty face who acts in/makes her own movies.

There's a not a very big difference between fighting for others, and fighting yourself. 

The same way some people get into counseling and the awareness things to somehow convince themselves that they're okay, or it's truly who they are, or it's not a problem for them. 

Like some who self injury, for example, go on and on about awareness and counseling and help others, and they haven't been SI-free. It's not bad or wrong, I even relapsed while still promoting awareness. For some, it is a convincing/coping mechanism. 

I don't know how to explain it correctly - what I'm trying to say. I guess, sometimes, it's like the kid who sits and says over and over again how much he loves being on the bowling team and promotes it all over the place and smiles and loves it publicly, then goes home and to himself thinks, "What the fuck am I doing? I hate bowling."

Kind of like that.

But I mean, point, where is it all coming from?

Don't be so eager to please other people, go against other people, or answer the wrong number within yourself that you destroy yourself in the process. 

If it's with the wrong relationships, drugs, anything really... Just find the bottom, the very bottom, the root of 'why' - and it'll help you a lot. 

If you're looking for a reason, a change, a new beginning or even a new outlet for something... Start from inside. 

Usually it all starts, negative and positive, with, "Something's gatta change."

Make sure it's positive. Make sure it's what you know is good and right. 

Make a new, positive, friend. Listen to new music. Travel somewhere new. Journal your new thoughts and feelings. Do something you've never done before, as long as it's positive and healthy. 

I know anyone who had chosen to rebel by way of whatever will eventually look around and think, "What the fuck am I doing?" For those... I feel you. 

But, you're gonna be really truly shown who you are in those moments. No hurt or pain or lesson or struggle is ever wasted. When you realize it's time to take your life back, it'll be hard and it'll be painful... Maybe even terrifying and nerve wracking. 

But do not, for one second, think it won't be worth it.

One day, my first friend will realize that this guy doesn't really like her at all and she's been completely used. 

Might not come until she's pregnant with a kid he doesn't wanna deal with. 

Might not come until she's faced with another woman he's doing the same thing with.

Might not come until she looks in the mirror and doesn't recognize herself anymore.

...but it'll come. One day.

My second friend will also, one day, realize the life she's chosen wasn't a good one. The people she hangs with and allows into her circle aren't good, and only enable her misery and addiction.

Sadly, for her, it probably won't come until she's either dying or in the hospital.

Sadly, for her, as is the case with any inescapable addiction, it may not come until she's in jail for a long long time. Or someone she loves dies from the exact same thing.

It may not even come until one of her kids, God forbid, picks up a needle, too, and she is forced to watch her life played out in one of her children.

...but one day, it'll come. Hopefully before she dies from it.

Anyone who is doing something on the regular that they hate, backing something they are not, hiding in a place no one can discover their real reality... They will also have a day. 

Maybe it'll be in watching others escape the fate they've given themselves. 

Maybe it'll be in one day, maybe years from now, sitting on a park bench and watching people walk by and for the first time realizing they didn't take half the chances they wished they had.

Maybe it'll be when something had gone way, way too far. Realizing that they only have so long to get out before it gets worse.

Maybe it'll be some sort of test that tests just how honest they were with themselves before they did or said what they did or said.

Maybe it'll be in realizing that when they told themselves, "Yep. This is my life now. I give up. I'm just accepting it and sticking with it." They were broken, and lying. Maybe they didn't know what giving up really meant, until they realize what kind of deal they made with themselves. 

Maybe it won't be until they see a thousand opportunities and chances pass them by they they, with their own hand, signed off on.

Maybe it'll be in seeing death, really seeing it. Seeing all the gruesome facts of it and realizing, "What the fuck am I doing with my life?! I need to live!"

Maybe it won't be until the person that had a hold over them passes away, and they realize the chains are now gone. Then realizing they probably allowed them to be present in the first place. 

...it'll come. One day.

And my God, I hope that one day comes for everybody. 

In a very roundabout way, the show 'Beyond Scared Straight' on A&E is an example of everything I'm trying to say. A visual of the stuff I'm talking about - when it first starts, and when it's gone too far. 

I can guarantee you, also, having personally experienced exactly what that show is... It's not fake. Not a single thing about that show is fake. Not the people, not the struggles. That show is the realest reality show out there. Promise. 

I must admit that nothing, absolutely nothing, not my recovery nor my life being saved (as probably horrible as that sounds) rocked me to the reality of everything as much as seeing Kyle and Jared in caskets.

Nothing.

It wasn't until then, those moments, standing beside those caskets that I realized exactly how temporary life is.

And what in the fuck was I doing with mine?! 

Was I living truthfully?

Was I worried about others opinions?

Was I being 3,000,000,000% honest with myself?

Was I giving anyone else any kind of power over my decisions and choices?

Was I totally and completely happy?

Was I living my own life?

Was I taking anything for granted?

It wasn't until those moment that I truly, completely developed the, "Fuck it" attitude. 

I will take every chance, do everything (in positivity and love) regardless. Fuck it. Fuck an opinion or insecurity. Fuck. It. 

I will not, I repeat - I absolutely will NOT - look back at anything & wonder, "What would have happened if..." 

I will talk to who I want to talk to.

I will reach out to who I want to reach out to.

I will learn what I want to learn, and say when I need to or need help.

I will speak my honest opinion, never allowing anyone to wonder, "Yeah but she probably doesn't mean it." Or, "I doubt that's how she really feels."

I will stand up for what I believe, even if I am standing all alone.

I will give back.

I will never give up on myself.

I will be the most loyal person you've ever met. 

...but I will not be fake, dishonest, shady, or deceitful. I will not speak kindly just to appease anyone. I will not look back and wonder, "What if..."

I will never put the key to my happiness, my life, my choices, my outcomes, in the pocket of anybody else. Ever.

I will stay true to myself, and myself only. With my inner compass of common sense and higher consciousness and intuition and positivity and goal to spread love and kindness, my own decisions and guidance won't stray far from that tree. Ever.

I have earned the right to be in my life.

I have fought for the peace and pleasure and fearlessness I now joyfully posess. 

...have you?

Are you fighting against someone? For someone? Against yourself?

Are you trying to falsely convince yourself anything?

Are you living in the now, or the place of a childhood wound?

Do you really realize what life and living is?

Answer those questions for yourself, and go back to my post '6 questions to ask yourself'. They'll help you get re-centered, I think.

Don't be so determined to go against someone, or some thing, that you become the opposite of your souls intention. 

Don't be so angry or caught up in any past or present pain that your unwilling to fight for yourself, and claw your way out of that place.

Don't be so worn down and worn out, void of self worth, that you forget this is your life - not theirs. 

Don't ever think that you're stuck, and you can't change it. 

You can. 

Go, be a positive you. 

Give up any anger or any negativity to the Angels, or visualize if floating out of you or being washed away by the bright white light of the water coming out of the shower head in the shower.

Go figure out who YOU, beyond everything you think and feel, are. Is. 

Me? Today?




I am happier than I have ever been, living a chain-free life. Sober, recovered, and living the life of my dreams... Even if it doesn't look like it sometimes, or I'm temporarily filled with worry about it.

The past, the situations and stories that have burned and scarred my soul can't be shown to you. Can't be photographed or made understandable. I only have my words, my retelling, and my heart to give you. What I have lived, experienced, and tested for myself. 

Please - don't ever give up on yourself. Break free, find you, and do it on purpose. 

Do YOU, and fuck everyone else. 
(Again, in a happy/positive/enlightened way!)

Huge hugs. XO