The last couple weeks, I've done nothing but pace in circles - chain smoke (about quitting...) - and do stupid, tedious, meaningless things so I didn't drive anywhere and buy a box of razors.
...the exclamation point on my title was misleading, wasn't it?
I have had to sit and remind myself why I'm better than that a thousand times, and really - today - the only reason I have came up with is, "It's socially unacceptable and I'm not in the mood to hide it."
Those are my reasons.
Once more for those who don't know - no, self injury is not a suicide attempt. It's really a suicide preventative.
It's something to relieve the pain.
It's a thing that I'm addicted to because it makes all the pain go away.
And I fucking need that lately.
It's hard to function when your entire fucking heart and soul was left in two people who committed suicide.
I want to go to Kyle's and hang out for New Year.
He killed himself. I can't.
I want to call Jared and ask him to help me deal with the pain of Kyle's suicide. Like he used to.
He killed himself, too. I can't.
I need help and advice from them for so many other reasons...
They killed themselves. They're gone.
This is just a rough patch right now. A tough spot. It's grief, and it hurts.
This is when smiling hurts. Laughing is irritating and unbearable, and all I want is to walk into a room and see them sitting there - like they are expecting me.
This is when celebrations feel stupid and pointless, and another year for most brings happy and all that - and for me, it's a reminder of all the things they're not here to experience.
Another year without them.
I've been listening to my golden podcasts. Watching my Lifeclass. Playing my Iyanla Vanzant CD's... And it's helping...
...but it'll never bring them back.
It's another year to appreciate things. People. And realize that everything is to be cherished. Everything is a reason to be blessed.
...I have to remind myself of that.
They believed in me more than anyone else I have ever met.
They loved me in a way I was able to recieve more than anyone else I've ever met.
No matter what, I knew they were in this world. And because they were, it was alright.
I think I need to call Kyle's Mom.
I'm gonna go do that, and leave you all with the last and only movie Jared ever wrote/directed/edited/color corrected/and stared in.
He did it all. Everything in this series of parts to his film, he did. Logos in the beginning, animated and colors and writing and everything.
Kyle... I wish he would have had a moment of belief in himself great enough to put his work out there.
Anyways, for this New Year, I leave you with Jared's film, 'Lord Save Our Souls'.
I'm gonna try watching it again. Last time I tried, well... Yeah.
(Follow the suggestions/channel for the following parts, in order - 1 thru 4.)
God, they were so brilliant. I wish you could see Kyle's scripts. Jared did, legit, all of that virtually on his own.
I am so blessed I got to spend hours and hours on the phone with him picking his brain about that film. About every fucking piece of it. How he did it all, why, all of it.
He was going places. They both were going places. They were such amazing people, such wonderful human beings. Such fantastic men.
Even when I talked to him about the 'closer to reality than he would admit to anyone else' undertones, and my concerns about the suicide aspect, he expertly reassured me it was fine.
Like the God damn secretive genius he was.
God... I can't. I'm so angry, hurt, just...
Suicide is real, folks. It's fucking real.
Happy New Year, everyone.
Please realize your life is precious. Please.
Kyle's Mom, call is going thru...
Don't forget to check out the writing Jared left behind, at http://www.jaredradtke.blogspot.com/