Saturday, February 28, 2015

Energy, anyone?

Today, I thought of the perfect way to describe energies and how it works. Kind of.

Okay, so, you know how you see people and you think, "Huh. They look familiar." You may not know them, but something about them looks familiar to you?

Take that concept, and erase image. 

How do you know your friends? People you connect with? Say you're in line at a store, and you see your friend, but they don't see you. When you see them, your stomach - your soul - your gut - sends you signs. You recognize them. 

Maybe you don't see them fully, but you still - somehow - know it's them. 

Maybe, you hear the end of a quiet laugh. There's a 'ping' in your soul. 

Maybe, it's a hair flip you catch. Or, the way they shift their weight from one foot to the other. A 'ping'. 

What is energy? Sensing? All the feelers and shit I mention? Being empathetic? Just being able to 'tell'?

Having all those 'ping's go off in your soul, your stomach, your gut... without having to actually see anything at all.

It's getting all the same 'ping's, and having actually seen nothing. 

Still accurate. Regardless what it's in reference to. A person, a place, a thing. Doesn't matter.

People always wait for the 'proof'. Which, in cases of energy and intuition, is the visual proof. The tangible things. The, "Yep, right here." Or, "See? There it is."

Energy, intuition, is operating out of sheer faith. Trust. Knowledge of what is greater than you. Not needing any proof. Furthermore, it's knowing when you go against said internal judgement and wisdom... It's always been bad. You've always, on some level, known better.

Yes. You did.

Energy reading or sensing, and intuition and all that involves, isn't something given to the select few. No. It's universal. Everyone has it. Everyone is able to use it. 

It's just the socially mandated 'proof' that keeps everyone from listening to it.

Once you can wrap your brain around the concept and examples I've stated above... Then, you can add - in the same energy - feeling a 'spirit'. And once you get to know said spirit, you just know when they're around. Inside. 

I talked with a kind of new friend today about life and all that fun stuff. Really deep talk, and we know I love those. 

She said, "You're an empath, aren't you?"

I was shocked. Kind of. "Yeah. Are you?"

"Yeah. Kind of. You've just got that look."

"That look?"

"Yeah. You're quiet, but you don't look far away. You look like you're always processing and analyzing more than what's just been said."

I shook my head, "Damn. You're good."

We can usually spot each other, too. A sad giveaway that I've only realized recently was when someone's had a horrible story. So far.

I met another girl the other day who is a secret drug user. She's so nice and kind, and she's really got something special... But, she's still working her way around her lessons. She doesn't know yet. 

But when you feel those people, you notice how they do gravitate toward each other. 

One thing that I've been very proud of, and my mediums have all told me is, "People instantly feel safe with you. They know, from the second they sit down with you - or stand across from you - they're safe."

This girl didn't know me at all, and came up to me asking me for help with some really deep and personal shit. 

How did she know I help people with that stuff? I didn't say I did. 

She knew. Internally. Somewhere, she knew. And she listened to it.

Her energy felt my energy, and she knew she was safe. 

It's that familiar thing. The tells that give your friend away when their back is to you. Only, we don't use our eyes. 

It's something in our soul, our spirit, navigating us toward each other. 

It's the 'ping' we get in our spirit that lets us know we're safe, or going the right way, wrong way, so forth. 

Once you follow it, keep listening to it and obeying youe intuition and the energy, it only gets stronger. 

Keep following the path of light and love inside you. You are your own compass in life. 

Here's an exercise I recommend:

* Before you do exercise, if you choose to do it, find a quiet space and do this meditation. I'm not kidding:


Pick one person. Someone very safe, close to you. Someone you trust. If you can't find someone you would literally trust with your soul, then just be cautious in this activity and don't tell anyone you're doing it. Especially not them.

Hang out with them. One on one. Somewhere other people aren't. At a home, or somewhere alone. Totally platonic, or it won't be beneficial to you. 

Don't really talk. Try and wipe yourself of emotions and thoughts and feelings. A literal blank slate. Emotionally, and spiritually. 

Maybe say something to get a conversation started, but do as little talking as possible. Sit, ask the Angels to help you expand your energy and pick up on theirs. What's going on. Ask for help with your own abilities as an empath. Yes, asking silently is as affective as aloud. 

Wait. Figure out what your gut is doing. Saying. Feeling. Seeing. Are you suddenly nervous when you weren't before? Do you randomly feel angry? Is there anything popping up that wasn't before? 

What does this person feel like? Airy? Heavy? Light? Dark? Jumbled? All put together? Sad? Happy? 

Once you think you've got something - keep a blank slate - and make an excuse to walk away. 

Get as far away as you can... it gone? 

Whatever you had felt. Is it gone now? From inside of yourself? 

It probably is. 

Because that was their energy. 


Play with that a little. You'll get better as you go along. 

Then, after awhile, that can extend to just seeing a picture of someone, or just hearing someone's voice over the phone. 

Energy is everything. It's continuous. Might wanna just figure it out!

A word of caution:

Once you do 'get it', which everyone can, it does become quite overwhelming. 

Like when I went to that secret LGAT recruiting session. Walking into a room full of sad or broken people will, in fact, nearly shut you down. 

I almost had to leave the room everything was so dark and cloudy feeling. I remember having to fight with myself not to have a sort of internal suffocation. 

On the other side, walking into a room full of energetic people - or spending one on one time with someone that's, say, full of anxiety or hyper energy will have the same effects on you.

Just looking at a waitress, or standing behind a stranger in line will have you like, "Wow. Why are they so angry?" Or, "You need a nap!"

You've done it before. You just didn't know you were doing it.

You thought of that person right before they called. You had your hand on the phone right before it rang. You met someone, looked twice, then ended up being BFF's. You didn't go down a road that later, the news told you there was some horrific accident on. 

It's a blessing, and a sad reality. Blessing for all the wonderful things it assists you with. Sad because, well, other people just don't get it - and it's hard to control or purge lingering energies sometimes. 

If you ever have trouble, just google. Or carry a crystal. Or, ask your Angel's for help. 

But, overall, I recommend it. Getting familiar. It can, quite literally, save your ass. 

This is a great meditation to do before and after, if you want to get into the energy game as a real player and not a pawn in the game: 

Fun facts about Archangel Michael:

Homie is HUGE. I mean, insanely huge. 

He's everywhere. He really is. The second you ask for him, WHAM. There.

He's quiet. Really quiet, but powerful. 

I've only audibly heard him once. I said, "I wish you were always here." And he whispered, "But I am."

Besides, Doreen Virtue is fantastic. She's the real deal, and she's totally safe. 

Done! Goodnight! 


Friday, February 27, 2015

Another Lucy post.

I will just go ahead and say I'm not even numbering blogs anymore. It's another Lucy chat. 

So, I watched this hour long video with Lucy on this show and it was so awesome and insightful. I love learning, from as many people as I can. It's always a blessing to be able to find gems like that. 

So, after watching it I had questions. Of course. I find the more I play her stuff or say her name, she comes in. Like a phone call, kind of. That's how it seems to work, anyways. For me.

So, after a good 14 videos she finally came thru. On a pawn shop video of a necklace.

"It's horrible what happens to your personal things when you die. Especially a famous person, my god! Eeeeeverything in thousands of directions! Charity. Museums. Auctions. Ye Gods!"

I told her I wanted that necklace, and she said, "If I was there to give it to you, kid, it'd be yours. Rather you have it than some pawn shop."

"I want a script."

"Well... I don't know about that. My Kids have those. Some museums here and there. You'll stumble across something someday."

"Is that a promise?"

"What is it with you and stuff? Stuff. So much stuff. I'm right here, you don't need some shirt that won't fit, or a script that you'd have to pay for."

Then we talked about her grave, that I want to go visit so badly.

"What the hell do you need to go and do that for? It's stone in the ground. I'm right here. You can hear me, can't you?"


"Then why do you need to go?"

"Because I want to."

She shook her head, "I'm wasting my breath. You don't listen, no way. I told you that you'd regret that damn tattoo you went and got anyways, too."

"Thanks. Rub it in."

"It really is pointless. The way they have it all set up over there. It's touching and heartwarming and all that, but it's flashy. You know? Flashy. Showy."

"Well, I'm still going. And when I go, you're staying with me."

"Oh no. I might be a guide but I'm no tour guide."

"You act like you'd hate it but you know you won't. Don't even."

"You think you know everything, don't you?"

I smiled and just said, "I love you."

She laughed, "Kiss-ass."

Then, we talked about me and business.

"You really have to slow yourself down, April. You try and squeeze and shove things into a box. You can't do that. You can't force life to happen. I've told you hundreds of times that this industry isn't like it was when I was around, be careful. Don't be so anxious."

"I can't get over the feeling that I'm procrastinating."

"You're not."

I gave her a look.

She repeated, "You're not. You're just hyper. You need to calm down."

I sighed, "You always say that."

"We all tell you that! When are you going to start listening?"

"It's not that simple, Lucy!"

"I know. I remember what it was like... But I didn't get what you're getting, the soul stuff, till much later in my life. Work and business always came first. I wish it had been in reverse. Better late than never, but... You're doing it right."

"With that Norman guy, right?"

"Yes. Norman Vincent Peale."

We sat for a second. She spoke again.

"You look too much at the actions. What things look like. Just because someone's working, doesn't mean they're really learning or growing." She pointed at me, "Remember that."

"No one cares about that, tho."

"They do, too."

"No, they don't. It's all credits and resume and this and that. The people like you are long gone."

"You're not long gone."

"Not me, I mean in the industry. People that would help someone like me."

"Yeah, well... Then they're not really anybody."

"Says you."

"They never had to struggle, and they're not really changing anything. Lives or the business. They're just there, and that's it. They're there. Like a bush, or a chair. Legend does more than a bush or a chair."


"Sitting here, in your room, listening to videos and reading and writing and trying to learn - you, dear, are doing more than they ever have, or will."


"Yes. I would bet my life on it."

She was howling. She cracks herself up.

"No, but really, you are. Success and kindness can see success and kindness. Legend can see legend. Don't ever be phased when you're passed over, or 'unseen'. They aren't at your level. You don't want to start lower than where you are."

"I never settle."

"You better not."

Time went by, bullshitting.

"So, I'm good?"

"God, stop worrying about it! Yes! You're fine! Relax. Calm down. Christ, kid."

Another smile, "I love you, Mama Lucy."

Another laugh, and shake of head, "You are such a kiss-ass."

"I'm gonna blog this before I forget it."

"You know, when Carole (Lombard) came into my dreams and told me to go ahead with the studio, after she died when we were trying to get 'I Love Lucy' going, it wasn't recieved well. When I told people."

"Lucy - I care about no ones opinions."

"Yeah, yeah... I know you don't. Don't ever lose that, kiddo! Don't go overboard with it, but don't lose it."

"Check myself before I wreck myself?"


"Blogging now."

She shook her head as she laughed to herself and off she went.


I am blessed. What a beautiful, crazy, confusing, blessed life I live. 

Thank you, Lucy. As always. You mean the world to me. 

At least I have you in my corner. 

...I still wanna put you on my resume, haha! 

I love the fact that everyone who ends up in my personal life ends up seeing her. 

She shows up in a dream or a flash to anyone who is even kind of sensitive. It's her way of saying, "I see you. Now, you see me. I'm here, and I'm watching you."

It's always, "Hey. So, Uhm... You're gonna think I'm crazy but... I had a dream the other night, and I just saw Lucille Ball standing there."


No one believes it until it happens... & it always does. Thanks for having my back.

I love it. & I love her. 


Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Kyle is a douchebag.

I hate you, Kyle McKinnon Linford.

I got to argue with him today TWICE NOW. 

I just had an entire blog all typed up beautiful about how he visited me today in the car and we argued and I cried and he apologized and I was still pissed off. 

And how he followed me and we kept arguing into my house, and I cried and it was touching but I still hate him for killing himself.

And how I'm always torn between really feeling the blessing and hating it because I know regardless the random shit I can do, I never will get the closure with him that I need. Or want.

Then I hear him say, "All you ever do is bitch about me in that blog."

And poof. My whole app shut down. 

Nothing saved. The whole post to shit.

Fuck. You. Kyle. FUCK YOU!

I don't have the energy to retype the whole conversation we had, but he told me to look out the window as I was driving today, then told me to thank him for the pretty sunset he made for me.

I took a picture when I could:

I don't know how to use this gift to punch him in the face, then cry and hug him, then punch him again... But I'm gonna find out how to do it.

I'm thankful I was able to curse him the fuck out once really good. 

One thing that is comical...

...he never believed in ghosts, or anything I said I did or experienced, in life. 


Jokes on you, fucker. 


(Ps- As I typed the title of this post, he said, "Awh, come on..." )

Understanding Life & Death.

You don't have to believe it, or even understand it. It's fact. This is exactly what happens, what it's all about. What goes on. 

So, believe it or not - it's real folks!

Lisa Williams, amazing psychic medium explains it in a super epic and easy to understand way!

Pt. 1

- I can only speak on what I've seen for myself, but Angels help you in and out of your 'soul body' in your sleep. I've woke up and seen Angels sitting on my bed, or a hand just leaving my face, or a whisper and a bright light. It's actually super cool and really peaceful. 
- Lucy and I both just missed each other. When she passed, I had just been born. So she did her work then came to be with me in spirit for my lifetime, instead of being born again and placing herself in it. We've been related in tons of lifetimes, just not her lifetime as 'Lucille Ball'. Or, mine as 'April Washko'.
- Kyle waited and came to say "Goodbye" to me before he went into the light for his lessons. That was beautiful, & touching. 
- I have met Kyle, Jared and Lucy in the 'waiting room'. Jared was being shown to me, we didn't talk. Lucy comes to get me and we hang out, & Kyle I cursed the fuck out. 
- I had 2 exit points thus far that I am very clear on, and were changed for me. I am extremely grateful they were, too. 

Pt. 2

- Everyone at my wedding may feel as tho I've lost what's left of my mind, but I plan on having an open seat for every one of my spirit friends, and family that's in spirit, with their names on them. Or, something less spacey. And, probably something said for them. 
- Yes! SIGNS SIGNS SIGNS! So 3,000% legit!
- I know part of Kyle and Jared's suicidies was just for me. So I can be happier in life, and help other people. They helped teach me how to really live. 
- I think that's what makes a medium a medium. Or, whatever you wanna call it. Getting in that state instantly, or knowing how anyways. I'll catch things here and there when I'm, apparently, in that 'meditative state', but it's fleeting and I have no idea how to control it. 

Final Note:

Please understand, for anyone who may think, "Oh wow! It seems so awesome!" That DOES NOT MEAN it is something for you to seek right now.

You heard what she said - you've got a mission. A plan. You're still here? Then you're still learning and evolving and telling your story. It's not done yet.

Use your days to live, love, learn and enhance the gifts you were born with.

See signs. Follow them. Ask for dreams and messages and all that. 

I know most of my friends will attest to the fact that they didn't believe until they started hanging out with me. You can get them. It's all available for everyone. 

Ask, & you shall recieve. 


Friday, February 20, 2015

♣ ∞ →

I am so thankful that I don't see dead people like professional mediums see dead people. Soooooooooo thankful.

I see the same set of people all the time. Usually. One or two harmless people here and there. One or two random questionable things here and there. But, by and large, it's just dead famous people. 

Or, random relatives of friends. Or, intuititive messages for friends, or about friends. 

Not every day. Not all the time. 

I remember Lisa Williams said once, "I see dead people like I see trees along the side of the road."

I wonder how Doreen Virtue really draws that line between only Angels and other dead people. Maybe she just doesn't talk about it, and probably has expertly figured out what I'm figuring out. The 'Love & Light ONLY' rule.

The only reason I get dead celebrities is because of my chosen career. Well, and I'm awesome so regardless - I can see why they'd wanna spend spirit time with me. *hair flip*

If I wanted to be a scientist, I'm sure I'd be seeing Einstein and other excellent dead scientists who's names I don't know. Madame Currie? Is she real? Did I just make that up or did I retain something from somewhere? Googling...

It's Curie, not Currie, but she's real! Points for me! Really proud of myself right now. 

Why did she pop in my head? Did this mean something, or someone just helping me out with a name? I'll go back to Google...

But I'm thankful.

I don't think I could ever do this:


I like that her show was really upbeat and not stereotyping any of it. Very love and light overall. 

But... Yeah. It's one thing for someone to show you what's going on, or went on. A nice, normal person. Just sharing the events. 

It's a complete other to be fucking Amy Allen, and do what she does on Dead Files. Man oh man oh man. 

I don't know how she does it. 

Netflix, 'Dead Files', S2:E8, Amy explains this stuff and what happens if you run from it pretty well. 

Random, before I forget - I had insanely horrifying cramps today (as usual), and I couldn't handle it but didn't feel comfortable taking a pain pill (just a bad day, didn't want to). 

So, I Googled which crystal is good for period cramps (since I have basically all of them), and it said Rose Quartz.

I put my Rose Quartz in my hoodie pocket and went back to the chocolate, cats and heating pad that was waiting for me in bed. I honestly, in the back of my mind didn't think it would work. 

Yo - it fucking works! Shocked the shit out of me. 

I don't need to understand exactly how or why they're said to work so well - I just know I'm sold! My Chakra Clearing bracelet had really been helping me stay uncluttered and shit, too, so... Don't gatta know how it works to benefit from it, that's what Bob Proctor says!

For any fellow crystal owners, or those interested - here's some great links for more info:

∞ Which crystals do what... 

∞ Cleaning your crystals... 

There's tons of websites to get them on. I like bracelets or necklaces, personally. They're easy to wear and cheaper than a lump of Amethyst that you shove in your pocket. 

I usually just search on Amazon, Overstock, or go to Fire Mountian Gems. It's important to make sure it's legit crystal. Not plastic. Not glass. Read the descriptions carefully. 

Boss' (from the TerrorTroop podcast) daughter Lizzie just got Black Obsidian and some others from Fire Mountian, so go grab her second opinion when she gets it in! 

Yeah, this blog is all over the place. 

Amy is the shit (from 'Dead Files'). I love her. She reminds me a lot of myself. 

I don't run from anything, and I'm not afraid of anything (too much) anymore. I'm kind of wondering what the mediums mean by, "It'll get stronger". 

No clue what's in store for me, but I'll be empowered, unafraid and prepared! 

I think my visit from no-eyes is a solid stepping stone for the control and proactive reactions that are mandatory. 

Whatever happens! 

Also, I'm really thankful to have the people in my life that I do. 

I started my period this morning (don't 'ewe' anything, if someone didn't have a uterus that had a period you wouldn't even be here) and woke up in tears while Freddie fucking Kruger was ripping through my uterus. 

I've been laying here all day, pondering and deeply considering a hysterectomy, alone. As usual. Plus cats. 

So my Dad called, and I'm having him bring me my first aid kit.

Well, to be fair he's only gatta bring one thing since I have everything else, buuutttt.... 

I'm gonna eat the fuck out of those Dove chocolates, binge watch 'Dead Files' to over-prepare for god knows what, not move from my bed unless I have to pee, and make out with my cats. 

Fuck, life is good. Minus the pain in the uterus. 

There's a 2nd and final kit for my monthly dilemma, if anyone's interested: 

I can't ever find those damn waters anywhere. I try and support my peoples, but... Balls. Yes, I know Starbucks has S. Pellegrino, but they're so small. 

I seen some Acqua Panna on Amazon - a glass liter for, like, $50. Pssh, you can suck a bag of dicks for that my fucked up friend. I'll call my cousins and have them ship me a ton for that price. 

Anywhoo... With this random storm of nothingness at its end, I bid you farewell.

I do have a question for you tho, before you leave...

Thursday, February 19, 2015


I don't know how to explain guardian angels. I'm not a religious person, nor am I even someone who could explain something that's already out there regardless of religion about it. No clue.

I don't really bother with what isn't, or what I can't see. I stay in my current spiritual/clairvoyant lane, so to speak. I don't open any doors that aren't for me to open, and I certainly don't seek what I'm not sure of. 

So, all I know is what I've seen and heard, or experienced first hand for myself.

Was thinking of a way to try and explain, but... I can't. 

Lucy has been helping me lately of finding a 'winding down' activity or whatever you wanna call it that can really help my chill. Even tho I often don't feel like doing it, I found that right before bed - meditation works great. 

I don't really focus on things that are said, I kind of just listen and really relax my mind and find peace. It's been helping me a lot. 

Tonight, I listened to the fantastic Doreen Virtue's, 'Meet Your Guardian Angels'. 

I love her meditations. They're often short, and effective. She's got a super soothing voice, and relaxing music/background noise. Plus, they're all free on YouTube for anyone to access. 

Grab a pair of headphones, or play it loud on the pillow next to you. I recommend it!

So, when I was doing this one... I didn't hear much. I just know Jonathan and Lucy, and they're the two names I heard. In their voices. Jonathan's vibration, Lucy's voice. 

I felt a row of angels next to my bed. In a line. Jonathan right next to me, then Lucy, then more. Couldn't see faces or anything.

Then, I smelt this unforgettable smell. Took me a second, but I remembered it was my Grandpa's cologne. 

"Hey baby doll."

My Grandpa was by my feet, tickling me. He looked to everyone else, pointed at me and said - really proudly - as he always did, "That's my Granddaughter."

They laughed, and I watched - in awe - the first exchange with spirit that I've ever seen. I'm smelling and tasting buttered
Popcorn....? Random, out of nowhere. Anyone? 


So, I see my Grandpa look at Lucy and say, "Hello Lucy."

Lucy smiled, and gave my Grandpa a nod. "How ya doing?"

My Grandpa nodded, "Good. Real good."

That was all I got to witness before my chill absorbing of that got sucked out when Doreen said you can ask them anything. 

So, I put out there to them, in a stream of anxiety, "Am I doing okay? Am I doing everything right? I don't feel like I'm doing enough. Or not doing the right thing..."

I felt a hand on my head, and in my third eye (brain, usually how that translates for me. A 'daydream' that isn't controlled by me at all) saw a green/white misty color shaped like a person reach the other hand out to touch my stomach.

As Lucy, red hair and all, with a concerned look on her face (like, 'Gosh, poor thing. She's always too damn stressed'), sat down beside my and took my hand into her lap. 

They didn't move their mouths, none of them... The white figures behind Lucy my Grandpa didn't have mouths... But I heard a blend of voices say as Jonathan stroked my hair, "Yes, April. Yes. You're doing just fine. You're doing excellent."

It's really a trip how spirit can change your mood and your emotion in a fucking millisecond. Just a touch, or even asking them to do it... It's so crazy. 

Like all upset and anxiety was zapped out of me that instant. 

Really cool. Don't get it, can't explain it, but it's the bees knees. 

This one is great for people who might not be sure of what they want, or are asking questions of life. In more ways than just being stressed, lol.

This is the, "What do you REALLY want" exercise. Super great. 'Manifesting with your Angels', by Doreen Virtue.

Nothing fancy in this one. Not for me, anyways. I've done it several times before, and as I'd said - I kinda just let it roll. 

Kyle popped in and kissed my cheek, played with my hair. Every time he touches me, I get this shock feeling. Like if you rubbed your feet on carpet and touched a doorknob? That. It lingers and itches, so... 

Ha, he just said, "Oh come on. That makes it sound like I gave you ghost herpies or something. Change that."

My god, I miss him. Fucker. 


When it was over, however, I heard a bunch of knocking on my walls and ceiling. 

Then, I heard someone singing, "Knock three times on the ceiling if you waaaant mee!"

Jokesters. A bunch of jokesters over here. 

In not sure the point of this... Meditate? It helps. Even just to completely relax your mind. 

I like it before bed, too, because it's like brainwashing for the highest good. 

Usually, cults or LGAT's use guided meditations or 'thought conforming rituals' where things are suggested/programmed/ingrained in your subconscious. They do it by tons of techniques to get you to a place where your open to it, and get your body/mind/spirit in this 'sleepy/relaxed' state to do it. 

These are great because it's all love and light and peace and open questions for you to answer. Just, "Hey. You're loved and you're not alone and you're powerful and you're perfect and everything is great" over and over again. Nothing sinister, or sneaky. 

So, it's like brainwashing myself for the greater good of my life! It's hard for me to hold onto sometimes during the day, I'm confident after awhile I'll be thinking what I listen to in meditation more frequently on my own. 

I'm super picky about meditations and anything slightly brainwashy, so trust when I recommend - you're safe. 

It's a plus that sometimes, I get to see/chat with my spirit friends (only of love and light) & loved ones who are in spirit. 

I guess I leave you with that, everybody!

Don't forget to check out myself and Boss Butcher over at doing our Tarot Tuesday's! Always super inspirational, random and funny. A nice mix, if I do say so myself. 

I see the stats on all this stuff, Facebook and YouTube and here and shit. Boss can see how many downloads and all that - I know people be checking it all out. Yall just a silent bunch. Which is totally, 3,000% cool. 

I dig you, digging me. 

It's all peace and love, friends. 

Now go be abundantly positive, and awesome.

Namaste. ✌

Monday, February 16, 2015

This Leelah Alcorn uproar is pissing me off...


There have been TONS of people - TONS - celebrities, talk show hosts, awards dedicated to her... Tons of high profile, impactful people who have been keeping her memory alive and speaking all about her and this and that. 

Uhm... I have a huge fucking problem with this.


I would really, REALLY, like to know what in the fuck would have happened if Leelah walked up to any fucking one of them while she was ALIVE - and asked for help.





What would have happened? What would they have actually done?



Probably not a god damn thing. 

& THAT, that is what pisses me off. 

Yes, it's wonderful her memory and the horrifying issues surrounding perceptions of the LGBTQ community are being talked about and brought to life, because they need to be. And if anything at all can come from this that is good, it is a positive and needed change.


Why the FUCK does EEEEVERYONEEE wanna help and fix and change AFTER someone dies? Kills themselves?

What in the FUCK would have happened, for instance, if - when she was alive - she had the courage to walk up to her favorite actor/band/TV show executive, to tweet them/Facebook/email... And said something like, "...Look up to you, and just need a little help/someone to talk to."

The cast of 'Transparent' dedicated their award to her. Talk shows have been saying how horrifying it is, and "let's change this".

If Leelah walked up to anyone a part of that show and just needed a friend - she'd have been completely ignored. Taken out by security.

But now - now that she killed herself... Yep. Now they dedicate an award to a girl they know good and God damn well they would have never taken serious personal time with. 

They only fucks with people in their 'social circle', or 'status'. So, that dedication was hilarious to me. 

Where the FUCK were all you influential people when she was alive?! Actually living traumas and horrors? What the fuck would you have done?! NOTHING! You wouldn't have done SHIT! 

If you've ever mentored someone, taken personal time, given someone a chance or had someone's back when no one else did - or would if you had the opportunity, or would if someone asked you for help.. Then I'm not talking to you or about you.

BUT - 

Had she emailed anyone, asked anyone, face booked anyone... I can tell you what she would have gotten:

"I'm sorry, I can't talk right now."

"I'm sorry, you'll have to call my agents."

Or, simply, ignored.

Acting like they give so many shits. Oh, yeah, because she isn't standing right in front of you asking for your time or advice or support or whatever. 

Celebtiries love to brush off and ignore and stay in their own bubble when it matters, then hold a sign a month after a tragedy and cry about it. 

"We need to change. We can do better."

Yeah. NOW you say that... But you didn't help be a part of that message when you could have. 


No one sitting on some TV show somewhere is actually present in the current life of anyone struggling. They all just love talking about it when it's too late. 

So many fucking people love talking about "Help others" and "Be there" - where the fuck were THEY? You're not exempt from that Ya know!

Everyone, especially people with the public platform to actually change and really move folks to positive and new outlooks, love to say things once a tragedy had happend.

I'd really like to ask everyone who has been on social media, TV, an award show... Anyone who is a public figure, or a celebrity, or some 'icon' who has mourned over this... 

...what the fuck are you doing about that? 

Are you just sitting talking about it, or are you actually mentoring anyone? Being available to be someone that someone can talk to?

I fucking HATE people who sit and tell other people what to do that wouldn't have done the same.

And I don't give a fuck what category this suicide falls into. Suicide is still suicide. Period. It's horrifying and painful. There are TONS of kids who have committed suicide that have NEVER gotten the real justice they needed. Ever. 

It's great the LGBTQ community brought this to light... But is that the ONLY reason she is remembered? What the FUCK would have happened had they not?

Oh, yeah. Nothing.

Which makes me even angrier. 

Her suicide had to become popular topic before it was acknowledged on a vast platform. 

That's fucked up. So, so fucked up. 

Like Kjo said in an acceptance speech, "Why does someone have to be famous before we care?!"

Like Kyle, and Jared. My two friends who killed themselves. And the countless other suicides, for all different reasons. 

What are all these folks who really matter to lots of kids in those compromising emotional positions doing about it? The people these kids really WOULD listen to?


They send out generic inspirational shit, then save their tears for the "horror it is" AFTER they've killed themselves. 

If Leelah walked up to her favorite band/actor, whoever... They wouldn't have given her the fucking time of day.

But - they would now. 

Now that it's too late.

I'm not suggesting people be stupid, or for 'celebrities' go to put themselves in danger. I mean, for example, I'm a 26 year old girl. I'm not about to meet up with some random 50 year old dude that 'needs my help'. No. Not safe. Shit isn't that great for Women. I risk a lot doing that. No.

I'm also not forgetting Selina and that horror... I get it happens. 

But I am saying - the chances are slim to none that that 14 year old girl who's Mom brought her to see you would ever drug you, take you to a hotel, and murder you. I really doubt that 13 year old that just needs a hug and someone to talk to is a legit psychopath. 

Not everyone is a fucking murderous psycho. They're just not. By and large, they're not. Just people, like anyone else. By and large, they're normal healthy people who just happen to dig Ya - for whatever reason.  

These 'celebrities', the people in positions to change it, who are all talking about it - need to find a fucking Leelah Alcorn who is ALIVE RIGHT NOW, clear their schedule for a whole hour or whatever, and talk to them. Be a mentor. One on one. 

Legit, change a life. 

Because if you talk about it - you better fucking be about it.

Lucille Ball did it. Leelah Rogers did it. Robin Williams did it. Patrick Swayze did it. Lots of other people were real, legit mentors in the lives of kids who just looked up to them and needed a hand/acknowledgement/support.

They didn't wait until it was too late. 

Just like Rosie O'Donnell said about all the celebrities who sit in on 'fundraisers' and do commercials asking hard working people to donate money to some cause. When, in reality, if all those celebrities even donated 1/4th of one pay cheque, it would be good. 

They get paid millions of dollars per movie or TV show, and you're SERIOUSLY asking people who make maybe $15 an hour to send in money?! You?! Who is a fucking millionaire?!

No. Bullshit.

I call bullshit on this. 

You feel so fucking bad about what happened to Leelah? Go be a personal, present force in the life of someone else who is struggling RIGHT NOW. Who needs you TODAY. 

Go mentor someone if you care so god damn much. 

Don't just sit and talk about how horrible, or dedicate awards, or whatever else. That's all good and fine - just back it up with something. 

What are you ACTUALLY DOING to help? 

Not just talking - but DOING.

Most of the people on TV, the news, 'celebrities' whatever, would have NEVER given Leelah the time of day when she was alive. NEVER. 

But - now... They suddenly would have. Now that it's too late. 

<shake of head>

There are thousands of lives that can be changed, and need to be changed NOW.  People with thousands of issues, problems, whatever, that need someone TODAY. 

If you care so god damn much - make sure her suicide means something. Not JUST a legit change for laws, or the LGBTQ community. 

Make sure, if you suddenly give a thousand fucks, you make yourself present in the life of someone who needs you that is ALIVE. 

Go be about it. 

Go put your heart and soul and inspiration into the current troubles of someone who looks up to you/is inspired by you/whatever. 

Makes me so mad. 

If you sit and talk about how horrible Leelah's suicide was, how horrible she was treated, how "no one helped her" - of, fuck, if you were moved by that movie 'Bully' enough to even speak about it... better ALSO go be present in the current LIFE of someone. 

Walk your fucking talk, ass. Until you do, they're just meaningless words. 

Go help someone. Today. 

I think I'm pretty sure that Leelah would want that, too. Same principle that is to not just be a bystander. To step up and do something. 

Do something. Today. 

And ask yourself - every single one of you...

"If Leelah had approached me,
For advice/a lesson/to talk (No matter who I am - ESPECIALLY if I'm someone of 'high profile)... Would I have taken the time? The honest, genuine time for her? With her?"

Your answer should be, "Yes". And you should have honestly MEANT IT.

This, to me, is like some fight in Highschool.

Someone gets their ass fucking handed to them. 

And all the people who hear about it say, "God, how horrible. Why didn't someone do anything?" When they know damn well they wouldn't have stepped in and defended the person. They know damn well they would have just fucking watched. And felt bad, of course. 

Yes, I understand some people aren't capable of fixing or assisting to that level or whatever - but there are THOUSANDS of ways to be present in the life of someone. Someone who needs a lesson you have, a story you've lived, a skill or hug or simple acknowledgement. 

It just pisses me off. 

I don't know how clear this post is - I just hate people who talk but would never DO.

&, for the record, a close friend of mine is M to F, and I've heard first hand the horrors of that path. I know, from having it told to me, how hard that road must have been for her. #Cred

I'm simply stating that if you're sad or upset or moved about something or someone that yesterday you wouldn't have given two fucks about for whatever reason... Evaluate the words coming out of your mouth. Do something, don't just talk.

Oprah adopted a bunch of girls that live with her. She built a school, and is active in the lives of all of those kids. Shows up at graduations and goes to dinners and stuff with them, so forth. 

Lucille Ball invited a young, aspiring actress from Ohio to live with her in her Beverly Hills mansion because she wanted to help her and didn't feel comfortable leaving a young girl by herself in Hollywood. Girl was a huge fan, BTW.

Robin Williams spent personal time with the troops, and others. No one even knew how extensive it was until he died. 

Patrick Swayze considered the kids he helped 'my kids'. He spent so much one on one personal time with the kids of all ages in his charities and organizations, it was transformative for them. And him, too. 

There's a ton. They don't have to be that big and extravagant. Those are just examples that it does happen. 

Go be to someone what you didn't have the opportunity to be to Leelah. 

Don't just talk about it. Actually fucking do it. 

Rest in peace, beautiful angel. 

Friday, February 13, 2015

Well, hello there...?

So, the other night when I was typing my blog I got a random visit from some dead girl. 

I suddenly just got a flash of some girl poking her head - just her head - sideways - into my room. 

I googled this image to show you basically what she looked like. Only difference was she was older, had thick black wavy hair parted down the middle, and had a huge black toothless smile to match: 

Yeah. That's exactly pretty much it. Plus the smile, and the above. 

So, Yep, writing - then BAM. Flash. And she just stood there. Staring at me. 

I was actually super, super proud of myself. I remembered what all my medium friends have told me, especially Wendy, "April, don't ever worry about anything scary. You're so bright, you're like a flashlight. Shine a flashlight into a dark room - darkness doesn't exist. You're the flashlight." 

Coupled with Chip Coffee and his advice to kids on 'Children of the Paranormal', "Instruct them to leave, and mean it."

Plus, she was technically outside my room. She wasn't allowed in. She wasn't really in the space I was in in that moment. 

Usually, or before anyways, I would have been instantly struck with fear and sprang up to flip on every light in the fucking house. Then, sat awake all night asking Jonathan to help me fall back asleep. 

Not this time. 

I calmly closed my eyes, focused on her, and waited to see if she said anything. She didn't. 

I felt for her energy. Is she dangerous? Is she a warning? No. I had a friend sleeping in the spare room, so I was instantly concerned that it was attached to her. This girl wasn't dangerous, no. She was, however, crazy. 

Manical. Insane. And fucking weird. 

So, I just said out loud, "I don't know who you are, but you're not welcome here unless you're of love and light. Go away."

I went back to my typing, and silently asked Jonathan to make sure she was gone. Within a minute or two, she left. 

Hmph! Take that!

I was very, very proud of myself. 

I've never done that before. Put the tools and advice to work that I'd been taught about situations like that. It's been a long, long time since I've had any questionable 'activity'. 

But, like they've told me, "It's the door. If it's open, it's open. Bonus is, you control who comes and goes."

Besides, it's what is true about that show 'Ghost Whisperer'. Just because they're scary, or appear crazy or scary in the moment, doesn't mean they authentically are. Under that is a soul that something happened to. 

Quite awhile ago I was watching 'Dead Files', and Amy Adams went into a prison where she encountered tons and tons of insane spirits. Thinking back to that in a heartbeat helped me, too. She said she saw them as squiggly line type people crawling the walls, and in reality they were souls who have been 'held hostage' to some degree by a darker shadow man. 

I don't go that far in figuring shit out with people who aren't my people, the spirits I usually fuck with, but it's good knowledge to have. Makes it empowering for me, not threatening. I have control. 

I do think she was somehow attached to my friend. My friend is currently in one horrifying relationship she needs out of, and it's really making her crazy. 

Today, I google. Which is what I always do. Figure out what it means! If I can, anyways. Sometimes, it's not out there. Which is then when I call a professional medium friend to explain it to me. 

Anyhoo - if there's anyone out there with random weird visits like that and you don't know what it means, fear not! You control the light. Don't let them in.

That, and honestly, depression attracts those types of spirits. 

Yep. It does. Which is another HUGE reason to stay positive and uplifted. 

Depression, darkness, woe - attracts spirits and energy that depends on you being miserable, and makes you more miserable. 

My emotions weren't exactly on the 100% up and up last night either - so, it's officially time to kick the happy up a notch. 

Research, here I come. 

<gets out treasure map>


Thursday, February 12, 2015

Goodnight, Moon...

Having faith that the universe will work everything out for you is often the hardest, most difficult thing ever. 

You feel like you're just sitting back procrastinating (at least I do, anyway) and not doing something you should be doing.

I've wracked my brain, backwards - forwards - sideways - inside out - etc, trying to figure out every single thing I know either needs to be done or should be done. On my part and the part of others for everything that I have already worked so hard for. 

For myself, my dreams, my goals, and the dreams/goals of others.

Right now, I'm working very hard on NOT working. I have already done absolutely everything I can do, in every single avenue. Everything. I literally can't do anything that I haven't already done/tried to do more than once.

I'm working so hard on staying positive, thinking what I want to attract, and letting go of the outcome. 

It is so. Hard. To do.

I don't even have a way to describe how hard it is to do. 

I know that all stress and anxiety comes from fear. I know this and totally agree with it. Everything that has made me anxious and stressed is because I am deeply afraid. Afraid it won't happen.

Scared to death. 

So I work my fucking ass off.

I call, and plan, and keep calling, and planning, and doing...

Like I said a million times, I'm working every day to keep the peace. To do the most important work in my mind. 

To realize that it doesn't matter what I do on the outside - I have to have my inside on point. 

How a positive, loving, fearless thought being calmly let into the universe is really more effective that four thousand auditions, or meetings with investors and producers. It really is.

Especially since I've exhausted just about every single option there is. People who know me best will second that. I don't just sit on my ass - I fucking work.

And to lay here, looking at the ceiling, with my two cats laying on me... It's hard to not go crazy. I spent the last hour crying and feeling frustration and fear to amorous levels - feeling sorry for myself. I have to wait, the time keeps going by. I'm not getting any younger. The days aren't going backwards. What is there to do that I haven't done?

And it makes me angry. Angry at myself. Who the hell am I - someone who has seen Angels and is friends with Lucille Ball - to get this way? To think and feel this stuff?

I am a fucking miracle, for God sakes! Who the hell do I think I am?! Bitching and moaning?!

And even MORE anger at myself - I lost my best fucking friend to suicide! I know how precious life is! I get that most things are no big deal... And I STILL can't figure this useless anxiety out?!

This is when I get mad at Lucy, & Jonathan, and the Angels. Why won't they just tell me? Show me? 

I'm always taken back to every reading, where everyone tells me to "Relax." 

Even my dream, where Dubs (Robin Williams) didn't ask so much as instructed that I chill the fuck out. 

I'm beginning to think that the last dream I had of Lucy where she was telling me to work was more about working on this - my mind, being calm and trusting - than actual work work. 

And I get angry again. Why can't they just break this shit down?! Ugh. 

Yeah, yeah, I get it. Life is a story, learn your lessons, teachers don't teach they show and let you do, live and grow, blah blah. 

I legitimately have no idea what to do with myself when I let go, tho. I start going crazy. 

So I send all these positive thoughts while I sit here hating sitting here. While I search thru Netflix and watch something, and I have 200 new ideas after the first hour that I can't do anything about. 

While I go about my days, trying to figure something out to do to keep me busy, to keep my from my own craziness and obsessions, and meet more awesome people who I can't help and can't hire and they feel like their dreams are slipping down the toilet - as I often do. But damnit, I have to smile and rework that thought while I wish I was doing almost anything other than whatever I'm doing right then.


To do nothing but think makes me feel unproductive, and like I'm misusing my time.

But... I have nothing else. 

I am extremely blessed to have met, over the last couple months, some people who do believe and acknowledge and accept me and what I'm doing. To be allowed to be included in/a part of very inspiring/uplifting work. That, I am not discrediting. 

It's just the in between times... The days of slopes and nothing... Are hardest. 

I literally can't write any more scripts. I seriously can't. I'm only driving myself crazy with the number of scripts I have that I can't do anything with. (& no, I'm not selling any of them. I don't have any that I don't care about.)

I understand what is so simply alluring about selling your soul and your morals and your ideas and your brain to the highest bidder. 

But I can't do it.

So... I'm finding a way to master my thoughts, not worry about what I'm not doing, and to not only stay in my car in my lane - but to turn the fucking radio off. 

This is another thing that makes me miss Jared and Kyle. They were my peace. 

I am the anxious one, when it comes to myself anyways. Policing myself, work, etc. I freak about all of the above very easily. I panic, and fear for the worst, so I up the level of work/whatever to a level that isn't healthy or driving my crazy. Because, my thoughts are - if I don't, I'll fail. Somehow, this will keep me from failing. 

Kyle and Jared didn't have any 'higher consciousness' reasonings or anything. They just got it. They worked hard, too. Don't get me wrong. They could just chill out, too.

I remember one night on the first film I did, when I met Jared, I had a particularly bad day on set. Just a douchebag director who had his minions and didn't know what he was doing. Who made everyone question everything, and had said to me at least 10 times that day, "If you were a real actress, you'd do it" when I objected to dangerous and often abusive things. 

For some reason, in my hotel room, it sent me into a fucking spiral. All at the same time, I wanted to rip his head off his body & beat him with, quit, scream & cry because I couldn't really do anything, and then frustrated because I couldn't leave because I needed that credit.

So, I called the most together person on that set. Jared.

He was basically acting as the director anyways, so - perfect. 

I remember how I had him meet me outside so I could angerly pace around and smoke and bitch all at the same time. I remember how those automatic doors just slid open, and cool/calm/collected Jared just moseyed on over all chill - but before he even sat down on the bench in front of me I'm sure I had already spoke at least a paragraph of woes. 

He just sat there, legs crossed, leaned back, listening. Nodding, no real expression on his face. Just being the ear that I needed. 

When I say I went on and on... I did. I don't know how long I ranted and raved, but he let me. Chain smoking, pacing, and not very quiet either. I'm sure the rest of the crew in the hotel rooms right there heard me. 

Eventually, on what I'm sure was my 54th circle and my 18th cigarette, he jumped up and grabbed my arm as I passed, effectively snapping me out of my frustrated trance.

He asked me to sit, very calmly, guiding me to do so, and then asked me to breathe. So, I did. Then, he laughed for a second and told me, "He's already winning."


"He got you this upset, he won. Don't let him win."

Of course, he took my side and clarified how wrong he was to do what he did and he told me he did have a private conversation with him about it telling him never to do that to me again. He used his smart-people language and his $50 words and relay to me what happened - which was comforting. At least I had one person there willing to stand up for me, and whoever else. 

Even when we were actually on set - he intercepted several comments that were thrown at me and fixed the issue it could have started. He snuck in several times to give me new direction after the director had just given us the wrong direction. He would stand behind him and approve or deny whatever changes we were told by the director. It grew to be pretty hilarious. 

Of course, he had the same problem I had with the overthinking. He just never let it be released in a fury of pacing and cursing. He kept it inside, and it helped kill him.

Kyle was the same way. Super calm. He would talk more openly about his issues than Jared did, but... Still. Not nearly as much as he should have.

We would stay up all hours of the night writing scripts and acting out scenes and editing and so forth. We were equally as bold and passionate about it, but unlike myself - Kyle always had the insight on what not to bother with in that moment. 

"Well what about that scene?"

"We'll do that later, it's not important right now."

In my brain it was very important. Work that isn't done equaled insanity. 

"Uhm... But, why don't we just do it?"

"Scale of 1-10, 1 being least important and 10 being most - that's a -2. Let's focus on the 15's."

I got that then, apply it still in setting a story up... But... Hard to do in life. 

Kyle was also big on, "April... Fucking relax. Reeelllaaaaaxxxx." 

That didn't work so well as he got further into his pothead phase and it was said to almost everything, with laughter, in a derogatory way.  

But - pre pothead... It was kind and considerate. And full of compassion and understanding. 

Then I think of all that and just miss them. So much. Kyle was super relaxed, too. Almost too relaxed. Way too relaxed toward his end. 

I get so angry that I can't hear spirit as loudly and readily as other mediums and professionals who do that for a living. 

Then I just get angry, thinking about the fact that my fucking friends are dead - and I have to rely on spirit and the intuitive gift to hear them now since they killed themselves and I can no longer just pick up a fucking phone. Angry at everything. Every. Thing. 

Confession: Most of the time, when/if I get angry about something random - I mean, random, like... A parking spot, or a display in a store, or some place someone put their shoes... I'm angry at them. Mourning. They'll never be able to park a car again. Or see a display in a store. Or take off their shoes. I can't share random things like that with them anymore. Ever. Not in life.

Then I come back to this. This laying here, feeling sorry for myself. Contemplating life and it's beauty and fuckery. And the fact that I am doing just that - complaining, taking for granted, and being afraid and stressed and nervous. When, in reality, I've buried the people who've meant the most to me. 

What in the hell do I have to complain about?

I will be watching Kyles family mourn for the rest of their lives. I know his Mom gets out of bed and lives a full and happy life even on the days she, surely, wants to kill herself, too. 

What in the fuck am I complaining about? I have nothing.. Nothing.. To complain about.

But, then again, life is life. We're all still here, finishing our story. In the way the universe sees fit. They did, really, take the easy way out. 

I don't think I've ever fully understood that statement until right now. 

They did. They took the easy way out. 

I'm an aggressive asshole who will fight for the people I love. I can fight anyone who dared say a word against them, but I couldn't ever find a successful way to fight the voices they allowed into their head.

Breaks my heart.


I think I've figured out most things. Rookie & a vet, anyways. That whole double edged sword of consciousness. Not bad, just difficult to apply.

Applying it on the regular is the issue. That's the test, the real struggle. 

Life is beautiful. All of it. The death parts aren't, believe me... But even in death, it teaches you so much about life. 

I can't say a sunrise or sunset has the same vibrance to me anymore. Not yet, anyways. But I certainly look at it differently. 

Small things, like hugs, mean more. Just - so much. Like Maya Angelou says:

& everything she says, of course. 

I officially accept doing nothing. 

I mean, I don't have much choice in the matter. With being figuratively beaten into submission by the universe and all. 

I shall find a way to love every moment, no matter how boring or uneventful I feel it is. I will work with myself and figure it out. 

I do have a wonderful couple days of work lined up in CA in the next couple months, and some meetings with some really wonderful people. People kind enough to include me, and allow me to do what I've always known was most of my purpose - help them help other people (& of course, film stuff. In a film way).

Life is taking an up swing. It is. 

It's just clouded by struggles with myself, addictions, depression, anxiety, fear and boredom most of the time. 

But - what does Eminem say?

"...doubt starting to set in, every day is just so grey and black. Hope? I just need a ray of that..."

I know you gatta give that to yourself most of the time. So much easier to do for other people, but... Yeah. I can do it.

Part of me is just sick of it. Sick of it all. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. 

But, I've buried the two closest people to me because they - too - were sick and tired of being sick and tired. 

Not only do I know they would vehemently oppose my even considering following their horrifying lead - but I know that now, more than ever, I have to stay and live. To be strong and fight on the days I really don't want to. Now, more than ever. 

*yep, another le'sigh*

It's gatta be funny... For anyone who knows me. Hell, it's even comical to me... That I have no problem doing insanely insane work. I live and breathe building films from the ground up. I can fly all over Goddess's green earth, no problem. I can work with someone thru their lives most horrifying or confusing issues, or stand and fight until I can't move...

...but I can't lay around, doing nothing, and just think positively. And chill, don't forget chill.

There's some dead girl poking her head into my room right now. 


She was creepy. 

Hmm. Interesting. 

Yeah, so - I suppose it's time to really and truly get back on the 'peace with nothing' bandwagon. 

I had a pretty firm grip on trusting the universe awhile ago - time to go hard and reimplement that shit.

Why Rhianna's 'Go Hard' just popped into my head, I don't know.. But it's how I think.

Random BTW - Men always seem to be astounded as to how women's minds work, like we're another species or all the same fucking person or something. "Women... They're crazy." We're not all the same person, not at all, and like Dave Chappelle says, "People say someone is 'crazy' when they can't understand it." 

I can't speak for other women, or other human beings, but... Welcome to the fuckery that is my mind. This is the shit I think when I'm silent. 

Scary, isn't it?

<insert Twilight Zone theme> 

Goodnight, moon.