Tuesday, April 28, 2015


I often wonder things I'm quite certain others probably don't. 

It's really crazy how CA operates. Everyone is so in their own world. Everywhere. They're waiting till the very last second to move over 4 lanes and get their exit - not at all concerned or thinking of anyone around them. 

Everyone is impatient. Honking horns 5 seconds after a light turns green. Shoving themselves in spaces they don't fit without a blinker anywhere on the road. 

They all disregard almost everyone around them, with earbuds in 24/7. Pedestrians walk wherever the hell they want, whenever the hell they want. Bikes go where they shouldn't. 

Just because it's legal, doesn't mean it's smart. (Ashley said that should be the state motto.)

And to be honest... I was caught up in all that crap for SO long, too. 

So caught up that I didn't even really recognize it until now. How many years later? 

It's truly astonishing what happens in your consciousness and the things you observe and notice that you haven't before when you really unwind and just flow. For the most part, anyways. 

I was pretty shocked with myself, to be honest. I just looked around the other day, silent, thinking, "...did I really use to be like this?"

Yes. Yes I was. 

I'm at the point where I can't stand people anymore. I've realized I generally travel with people who are great grounding energy for me - but, this is the first time that isn't the case. 

Ashley, God love her, isn't a communicator at all. It's either silence, or funny jokes and comments. No inbetween. Ever. & that's starting to drive me nuts. 

As is my decision making self to her, I'm sure. 

Still millions and millions times better than when I lived with my soul sister out here, but still. Doesn't help that I've cut back on smoking, and I still have grief to process. 

Driving past where Jared jumped tears me up every time. & knowing Kyle should be here, too. Hurts.

In other news:

I'm happy to say my good deed for the day involved me desperately trying to save a dog running around the busy main roads in Pasadena. 

Thank GOD everyone stopped. It was at a huge intersection, and I see this dog just booking it. 

A HUGE truck slammed on its breaks, thank GOD - I couldn't have seen anything else. I just couldn't have. 

I flipped a mean turn where I shouldn't have in an attempt to follow the dog and get it in the car. Damage fees be damned - I would get this dog back to its owner. I know how distraught I would have been. 

That fucker was fast. 

I tried following it and it took off down another intersection and a bunch of residential areas. 

I drove around for a bit trying to find the pup, but I lost him. Insert extremely sad face.

If my prayers are answered, that dog found its way home safely. 

Some more news:

I met up with the amazing Holly Fulger, finally! Holly is The Hollywood Beauty Detective, if you didn't know! 

Let me be the first to say, she is the nicest - kindest - sweetest woman!

Not only is she providing the world with life saving, necessary entertainment and programming - but she is so kind! 

I heard more nice things from her about me and who I am and what I do and have done than anyone I've ever met, or have known very closely and personally. 

It's an understatement to say that I am honored and super excited to have been invited to join Holly and her crew when they begin filming for 'The Hollywood Beauty Detective'! I truly can't wait. And it means more to me than I can ever explain to be a part of something so wonderful. Something that reframes beauty and will surely help improve the quality of countless lives. 

To be invited to be involved in absolutely any capacity, as I've said, to say I'm honored and excited is an understatement.

That, and to be seen - really seen - and acknowledged - for who I am and what I do, by a woman who has done and still does so much on this industry... Restores my faith. In a big way. Not even just in life, but in everything I am trying to do personally.

We had a long talk about what I'm trying to do, and how I'm trying to do it. She gave me valuable pointers, sage advice, and I could feel her sincerity when she said, "If you need any help, I'm here."

Her belief in me has definitely increased my faith and belief in myself, for sure. 

It helps me know I'm on the right path. That I'm not just aimlessly chugging along. She told me, "What you do, what you're doing, they have classes for that. People take classes to figure it out, and you've figured it out on your own. That's truly remarkable."

All kinds of high vibrations. 

And again, to be invited along her journey in any capacity... Wow. Makes me feel good, and inspired to work super hard. Her cause, her show, her vision and message that is hers and hers alone is something I believe in so much, too. 

Makes me want to work super hard to help her and her team, however I can. Because, really, that's what filmmaking should be. People helping people. Seeing their passions and hard work and reaching out. 

It's exciting. 

Not to mention, seeing good people - really good, genuinely good people succeed... It puts all the pep in my step.

She had mentioned two of her friends (in high places) that she had dinner with the night before we met, she had said, "...I was telling them all about you."

Like... Wow. I've just never had someone believe in me that much.

Again, inspires me. Makes me believe in myself. Makes me realize that I am doing the right thing, the right way. 

Let me take a moment to take a deep breath and appreciate. Be grateful.






I'm relaxing. 

The other night, Ashley and I went for a stroll in a little village place. It was night, dark, desolate. Most stores were closed. 

It was interesting, that when I went to walk past a little coffee shop or diner that wasn't closed, how the energy just ramped up. 

How I could look at all the people sitting outside and be zoned in instantly.

Bam - first date. 

Bam - they're mad at each other. 

Bam - she's nervous.

Bam - he's stressed out. 

Bam - they're bored and wanting to get away from each other. 

Bam - they wanna go home. 

...then gone just as soon as it came as I walk away.

There was one interesting person, a man I think, who was sitting in a car by himself down the road eating an ice cream cone. 

I felt sad. I don't know if that was me feeling sad for him, or his honest sadness, but it was sad. 

From what I saw, his body language reflected as 'deflated'. Or that's what I got, anyways. 

Just by himself. Car off. Parked. Eating ice cream. Half way away from the little town, in the dark. 

He didn't have a phone out. Didn't have music on. All alone. 

I thought, "I wonder if that's something Jared or Kyle did before they killed themselves."

I had half a mind to knock on his window and just start a chat. 

Just so he wasn't alone. Just so he knew someone saw him. Cared. 

What I would have said, I have no idea. 

How much I would have said before he either drove away or called the cops, I don't know either. 

You also couldn't just do that in Detroit. That's a quick way to get shot. 

I moved along. Remembering that so many here are truly in their own world. I wouldn't wanna disturb that, or be seen as intrusive. 

I sent as many good vibes as I could, and moved along. Minding my own business.

All in all - the good, or slightly irritating has all been good. 

I'm in a refreshed place. 

I learned so many things about myself, & the person I once was. Things I've never realized before. 

Overall, so far, it has renewed in me a desire to keep my head up - eyes to the world - and heart in as many lives as I can. 


Sunday, April 26, 2015



Saw my homegirl. I couldn't really feel her that well. I've been having a super off time, really. Too much energy and people all mingling with me. 

That, and I have no one to run this by. 

Well - not that it would help, but... It's so heavy with energy and movement and business and chaos. Even at the cemetery, I couldn't seem to grasp anything. 

I didn't get enough time there. 

Went by Mom's today. 

It was interesting... Only had this happen to me a couple times, but the whole way to her house I just saw everything the way it was in the 50s, I think it was. 

It was pretty cool. 

I've got a meeting tomorrow, I'm super stoked. Beautiful souls who are so kind, giving their gifts to the world and spreading love and happiness and self esteem... I just love it. 

Especially in this industry. We need it. 

And, of course, she's beautiful and kind and super talented. 

I'll post photos. Follow my Instagram and Facebook! 

It really is lovely to come out here. Not so much on work anymore, or anything like that... But it resets me.

I've always been someone that breaks away from the crowd. The 'norm'.

I was always the kid that never asked for the same shirt or shoes all the other girls had. Didn't want it. If I saw everyone else doing it, I went the opposite way. 

Which makes sense that I realized, after awhile, that everyone saying, "You have no choice but living in California if you want to be an actress" was a sign for me to ship back out.

I don't like following the crowd. And, it's lies anyways. You don't have to. 

There's five million reasons alone why making films away from here is the best idea, but even as an actor... I've typed about all my experiences. Backtrack. 

But, aside from that, just... Not me. 

Too many people, too much congestion. No wonder why the spiritual, yoga type stuff is in a building on every corner. Fucking insanity.

That, and I had been in a place of desperation awhile back (always a bad emotional space to make any decisions) and thought, "Maybe I've been wrong about everything. Maybe I should just go back to California and do it again."

Then I heard Lucy as clear as anything, "No. Don't you dare."

Then Jonathan with a hand on my back. Reassuring, like, "Just stay patient. You weren't wrong."

I mean, I can visit and stay for weeks at a time... Just couldn't be permanent ever again. 

There's a reason why everyone from Michigan goes back to Michigan, & for the most part, stays there. 


I have no idea why it's so much harder for me right now, to connect. I'm guessing it's Ashley's energy, honestly. She's closed off, and I really haven't learned how to clear myself of other people's energies. 

Or, ignore it. Or, I don't even know. For the millionth time, I'm no professional.

I do have to assume it's so much easier for me to see and hear in a clearer way back home because it is calmer. It's space and peace and acres of land and really desolate areas with lakes and shit. Even in towns. Any town. 

It's slow and spacious - I can go sit on my roof and see nothing. Just silence in all kinds of directions, and the lake across the way. No noise, nothing. 

I think Ashley's energy just pulls me down, too. She's great, she is - but she isn't too active and isn't in any way thoughtful or introspective. Ever. It's silence unless it's a comedic comment. Even if I talk. 

Still great, just different. 

Anyway, I'm excited about tomorrow. I'm happy to be able to finally meet one of the kindest ladies I've ever come to know - thanks, Twitter! 

If it wasn't for Twitter and the lovely Lisa at HollywoodTweet, it wouldn't be possible! The internet comes in and creates amazing things once again!

I did a ton of video for my YouTube. Just for fun, for random. 

It'll be up in awhile. Just something to do. 

So... Totally not sure what's going on in life, but I trust it. 

I agreed to come to this earth world and be a human. Why, I question quiet often, but I did. 


I have to remind myself to let go and breathe every day. Often several times a day. 

I remind myself again. 

Just breathe. & let it all be whatever it is.

In a couple hours it'll be the time on the day Lucy passed away. I usually get a dream tonight with her - have for the last several years. Most all holidays and big events. 

This morning I did hear someone say, "You are more powerful than you'll ever know."

That was interesting. 

The night before I had a kind-of dream with my Grandma standing next to my Dad as he unloaded the dish washer. Scared me, the intensity of the realisticness. 

The Gamble House that Ashley wanted to see was super interesting. It was hella cold, and my optimistic ass brought things for opposite weather conditions, but that's besides the point.

When we went inside, I saw some woman poke her head out from the staircase. From the top floor. Idk why, but I thought I heard kids. With the woman. 

Saw a man and woman standing together, then when we went into that room where their pictures are... Accurate. That was them. 

Not too big a deal. That's pretty basic. Just another, "Oh, hi."

Weeellllll... More pointlessness. 

Hoping this summer is the summer to finally get my film company off the ground, and put all these hard working people I've hired into some real films.

Other than that, I've got some scripts done and basically done that I could figure something out with too. Much harder, but... I could see what I could do.

For now? Going to hit the hay and see what Lucy has to say.



Thursday, April 23, 2015

Randomness - as usual.

Just a random occurrence today...

So, I was taking my BFF to Hollywood Blvd just to see it. She's not for touristy stuff really, but just wanted to show it to her so she could see it.

On the way there, I took the wrong exit. Don't ask - that's my one downfall, I couldn't find my way out of a paper bag. Doesn't matter where I am. I don't know a map, where states are, city names... Roads... Nothing. It's horrible. GPS is my life. No matter where.

So, it takes me on Forrest Lawn. 

I thought, "Why is this familiar?"

Then, I hear this giggle. 

I looked at Ashley - she was quiet, & we had the music blaring. 


So we drive, and drive. All around. Randomly. Just cruising, chilling. 

I fucking hate traffic and I hate congestion. The lanes here are also much smaller than MI lanes. 

Anyways, I turn the wrong way again.

It recalculated - and took me in a weird ass way that made no damn sense. 

I mean up in the private residence areas. 

I started hearing familiar names of streets. 

I started to feel like there was some recognition in my soul, my gut. 

I recognized.


I stopped. Dead in the middle of the road. 

I heard the giggle again. 

This was where Marilyn Monroe lived. 

"This is where Marilyn Monroe lived."

Ashley looked around, "Oh. Didn't she die in a hotel?"


She always - ALWAYS wants me to come into her damn house. No matter how many times I tell her I honestly just can't. 

She's getting mischievous, trying to get me there. 


My dear, my love, my sweetness... I can't catch a case because you want me to come walk around a house that someone else owns now. Can't. Sorry!

I will be seeing you tomorrow anyways. Chill. 

At this point, honestly, I'm really wondering if there isn't something else behind her wanting me to go there. 

Is there something I'm supposed to see? To do? Something she needs found? I don't know, man. I'm confused. 

Bless her. Spirit is so lovely, they have no social separation. Not like over here. Here, someone can't just walk up to a 'celebrity' or be 'welcome' everywhere. She doesn't get that. 

"But it's you."

"Yeah, & they don't know me."

She thinks because she knows me and she knows I'm good and safe that everyone else just does, too. 

Not how this human world works. 

That, and I have resting bitch face, so...

Lucy had herself a laugh today, too. My shower head was doing some 'The Long, Long Trailer' bullshit... &, yeah. Comical.

Not for me, but comical just the same. 

I was going to drive by Lucy's tonight, too. But I seen her shaking her head, and got something about 'not when it's dark', so... Tomorrow it is. 

All my visits tomorrow I guess. 

Spirit is supposed to help me be less impatient, & here they are... Impatient as fuck.

I had Dubs with me on the plane the other day for a bit - there were two or three confirmations to my suspicion about him, but of course I forgot them because I was in and out of dreamland with no pen or paper.  

God knows I love Ashley, she's been my BFF since 7th grade, but I can't exactly turn to her and tell her this stuff. She's not a big talker really anyways, especially about this stuff. Just nods and stays quiet, so... I do the same. 

I'm excited to see my homegirl tomorrow. She really is one of the kindest spirits there can be. So sweet. Just as sweet as she was in life. 

Energy is a lot stronger for me to grasp anyways in certain places. That's one of them. Which is probably why she keeps trying to get me to her house. 

Lucy isn't big on getting me to her house. She doesn't give a shit, & she's still pissed off about the basic demolishing and rebuilding of it. She's not a happy camper.

But, she's eeeeeeeverywhere around me anytime I'm here. Don't go here, don't do this, go home, slow down, stay in the car... Okay, Mom. Okay. 

Well, in the effort to keep me safe. More necessary here than in MI. 

"Beautiful young women can't just be, and that's sad." 


It's sleepy time.

Goodnight, moon.


Sunday, April 19, 2015


I have such a respect for music. 

For musicians. Of all kinds. 

I love all music. I do. I love dancing, I love strong beats and stuff, and I grew up with rap and hip hop - so, that is the arena I love most. 

Those beats - I admit, not even the lyrics most of the time... But those beats, the bass, the flows. They really do have potential to pick you up in times you're lost and confused, and not feeling pretty enough or smart enough or good enough. You can find those types of lyrics. 

But I have such a deep respect for most of the people. 

I don't think any other industry has as many examples of people who have helped other people rise up and achieve their dreams. 


That's what I find so beautiful. 

Beyond the fights and petty crap, lost of artists who are popular and established don't just work for themselves. They help other aspiring artists. 

They find someone with great potential, or reach back when someone reaches out.

Like Tyga did with Honey Cocaine. She was unknown, and she did a cover of one of his tracks. She sent it to him, he reached out. They met up, started working together and he started helping her get herself established. 

Like T.I. and Iggy Azalea. She reached out, he answered her call, he started working with her to help her out and get her established. 

Like Biggy did with Lil'Kim. Helped her and coached her from the bottom.

Like Lil'Wayne did with Nicki Minaj. 

Like Dr. Dre did with Eminem. 

Then like Eminem did with D12, Trick Trick, Yelawolf, and so many others. He's forever putting unknown and up-and-coming artists in his shit. 

I'm sure there are tons of other examples, but those are all I can pull off the top of my head right now. 

Like... That's beautiful. 

At the bottom of everything, that's so wonderful. Kind. To notice someone's dream, to take time and sit with them, and to invest in that person/those people enough to see them soar. To care, and give them wings. And support.

Especially the people who helped people out before the days of 'social media proving grounds'. Before the, "Well, how popular are you here? How many followers do you have? How many views do you have?" shit. Even more respect for that. 

& not even just to support them - to stand behind them. To stand up for them to other people who bash the established artist for taking a chance on someone. Or even further - when said 'nobody' starts to become 'somebody', their mentor stands and defends them privately, personally and publicly. 

Because they believe in them. They saw them, and believed. And continue to do so. Continue to help that person however they can.

I can't think of any modern examples of that at all in film. None. 

Old school? Tons. 

Lucille Ball is where she was because of Lela Rogers. Ginger Rogers mom.

Carol Burnett got her biggest break because Lucy heard she was a fan, met with her, and told her to let her know when she could ever help her. Carol wasn't going to get her biggest TV special without a huge 'name', so she called Lucy and she agreed right away. 

Lucy flew Carole Cook, in her 20s, into CA to stay with her from Ohio (or maybe it was Texas?) and put her under contract with Lucy's personal studio.

A random fan, Michael lastnameescapesme, used to go to the  'Here's Lucy' taping so frequently she wondered if he was even attending school. He asked for an autograph, she signed, then asked to talk to his parents because 'you better be doing something with your life, not just attending tapings'. 

A bit later, Lucy gave him a job on the show. 

That doesn't happen anymore. Not in film, anyways. 

I thought about that today, and I have came to the conclusion that it's because - if we're comparing film to music - musicians have a lot harder grind. 

They really have to bust their asses and sell their shit. 

Sure, they get a label after awhile - but only after years and years of proving themselves. 

They don't just get picked up by an agent who does all their work for them, then one day they get 'the IT job'.

They've had years of hustling, selling mixtapes and CDs. Paying for arenas and shows out of their own pockets. So on and so forth. 

They have a better understanding of how hard it is, so when they see someone else struggling - they're more likely to lend a hand. Give support. 

Because they know how it feels. And they know how it felt to have someone finally see them, and give them a chance. 

Film people? Not so much. They've had much more handed to them. 

Much, much more.

I've known of some people trying to get into the music industry, and there's just no comparison. No comparison at all to sitting up all night trying to think of beats and lyrics, paying for the beats or figuring out how to make them on your own, spending money on every part of the recording process to record not one but a good handful of songs, then having to spend more money on copies of your shit, art, self booking at clubs and begging people to play your shit, hustling and sending your shit all over the place and at the same time doing battles and shows and stuff trying to be kind of big so the people you send to care about what you send... Shows, clothes, self promoting... All until someone signs you. Even then, it's still lots of your own hustle until you break out really big.

There's just no comparison to an actor. Where we pay for headshots and then audition for small films, sit in our living rooms emailing and stamping envelopes to agents and casting directors until someone likes how we look on paper, and in the flesh. Then our hustle is over - we take the occasional workshop, do the occasional play, and just wait for said agent to call with the location of the next audition. And we just repeat that process until someone thinks we're pretty enough or physically fit something right, and they cast us in some popular thing which adds more work... For our people, not really us.

Most of acting is what you look like, and what agent you have and how much they like you. Because in an agents talent pool of possibly well over 100+ people that look just like you... You better be doing something special for said agent to really hustle in your favor. To take those calls from casting directors, or to call them and really sell you.

And by George, if you happen to be one of the very very few who just gets the agent then gets some amazing job - now your agent cares about you. Because you sell, and you make them money. 

Even still... Then, what do you do? What they tell you to do. You sit at home eating Cherrios until they call you again, and tell you what to do next. Where to be, what to read, etc. 

And it isn't until you are someone that people care. 

In music? They're nothing. Nobodies. Iggy wasn't Iggy until T.I. started working with her. Honey Cocaine wasn't anyone until Tyga notices and flew her around on tour with him and put her in his shit. Nicki was unheard of until Lil'Wayne signed her and worked with her. Eminem was nobody until Dre risked his job and everything he worked so hard for to put this completely unknown white boy in his shit. 

They were unknown. All of them. Nobody. But someone who was already well established saw them, and believed, and helped, and supported. 

They didn't care that they were nobody, didn't know much, had nothing, and didn't know what they knew. That they weren't anywhere near them in their careers. 

They took the time and mentored those people anyway. 

Then... Then, they became someone. 

It's crazy how this world works, eh? What people are capable of with someone to believe in them, & give them a chance. 


Just something I thought about today. 

Tis all. 


Tuesday, April 14, 2015

They know...

They know I'm coming.

Second verse, same as the first: My desired occupation draws spirits from my desired occupation.

Some that just want to help, some that I've known in past past lives who - shocker - also ended up in the industry, and some that feel drawn to me. Similar life experiences. 

The Divine Ms. M (no, not Bette Midler) keeps showing up. Here and there. She loves dancing, so when I put on my Pandora she always shows up. Some stuff she doesn't bother with, some songs she loves.

"Are you coming to visit me, honey?"

Still thinks I can just walk up in her house. I told her I'll go visit her grave.

I'll be in California on business the same day Lucy passed. I've never been while I've been this - developed? - with my gift before. 

The friend who requested said trip isn't as into the other side. She's sensitive, she's actually the first friend of mine Lucy visited. In a dream. 

She called and said, "Uhm... I had a dream I saw Lucy, and I kept trying to get a picture of her to send you because I didn't think you'd believe me, but she kept moving around."

She said she showed up full 'I Love Lucy' apparition. Kicker? She was in color, and Ashley's never really watched that show, like, ever.

Signs, everywhere.

Jack Benny is a little dart-in-dart-out spirit. He's silent, talks a lot thru Lucy.

I don't need to be anywhere by anything they once owned or where their bodies are now to contact them - obviously. But, it's like... I don't know... Visiting a space my friends inhabited. The energy is a tad bit stronger there too, obviously. 

Like a paying respects thing. 

Oddly enough... When I had my meetings a couple years ago at Paramount, I couldn't feel anyone, and no one was with me. 

Lucy stuck by but was very quiet and distant. Like she was busy watching my back and everything (I do mean EVERYTHING) around me. Floating about.

Since she used to own it (it was Desilu before it was Paramount. She sold it to Paramount - her side of the property - then Paramount expanded to where they are now, which was Desilu) it feels super free. I don't know if it's a part of her blending too closely with me, but I feel like I own it. Like its home. 

I tested it, too. I had a lunch meeting at the executive dining area, and I got there at least an hour early. So, I tried myself to see if I could find Lucy's old offices and her property by myself. No maps, first time there. 

I found it. 

(Her office was to the left. That was the park she had put in to take Tinker, her dog.)

Apparently, I discovered later, your not allowed to just walk up there or get out of the tram thing if you're on a tour. 

Thanks, Mama Lucy! 

It's as simple as disconnecting your brain from your actions, and literally moving around on intuition. Not thinking. Take s left if you take a left - stop when you stop. Don't think or process. 

My friend walked with me there after lunch, too, and we sat in the bench behind the trees she had. That was kind of crazy - I know she was behind me somewhere, but I also got an eerie feeling I couldn't explain.

She's awesome. 

So, yeah. She's not buried in LA, she's buried like 5 hours or so from me. I've gatta go someday, but she says it's pointless. Too bad! 

But yeah, they know. 

Had some other folks pop in, too. Not for me, for some other people I've got meetings with while I'm there. Ashley plans on sleeping in nice and good on my meeting mornings, haha. 

That's always hard. I can't just throw, "So, someone wants to say..." into a business meeting where we're discussing production and ideas. Haven't done that yet. Not that I remember now, anyways. 

Easy way to get canned instantly. 

Which I don't understand.

How come I can't be more of a full human being? How come I can't be an actress, producer, advertising person, & someone who sees and hears dead folks on occasion?

An actress takes forever to see results from, a producer takes trust, but if I opened with, "Well Lucille Ball and I have some questions..." I'm stamped 'crazy', but can instantly get some talk show circuit where I'm mocked and made fun of? Analyzed and poked at and picked apart?

How come I would first be known for 'that crazy girl who says she sees dead famous people' instead of the hard working filmmaker I am? 

Pondered that the other day with a medium friend, actually.

Don't get it. 

Phyllis Diller could do it, Lucy could too kind of. 

How come someone has to be one or the other? You're either a medium or sensitive or whatever, or you're a filmmaker. You never see someone that claims both. 

Or, they certainly don't claim the spiritual side until they're foot is well thru the door. And then some.

Just a ponder.

Anyhow... Yeah. 

I've got some meetings, some stuff with the BFF, and some visits to make. 

I want to go to the soundstage they filmed 'I Love Lucy' on so bad. But, the fuckers don't let people visit.

I emailed and asked.

One day. One day.

It's really cool, tho. It doesn't matter what anyone else can see or feel, I know what I can feel. I am so eternally blessed to not be alone in this industry. 

Even tho they're not alive, and I can't physically call them or be present with them or even have them endorse me from where they are... They've got the same knowledge they lived with. All the experiences. & from where they are now, they can help me work and move mountains.

Which is probably why, as I'd said in the last Tarot Tuesday, making movies isn't hard. For me. It's not.

Because I've got so many legendary powerhouses behind me. Helping me make moves and decisions, sometimes, even without my conscious recognition. 

That's probably why - well, no, what am I doing with the 'probably' shit? I know it's why I know what I know. Some things I just can't explain that I know for sure. I can't necessarily answer 'why'. I just know. How do I know? 

Ha. Probably wouldn't believe me if I told you.

Lucy is such a strong, powerful woman. Even in spirit. Loving and protective, but strong. So strong. Silent, and knowing. 

I'm trying to find a picture of how she is most of the time... Especially with me, when I'm in a meeting or working. How she is when she's with me...


Exactly. To a T. Only, envision her arms crossed over her chest. 

Silent. Just standing there. Usually behind me, to my right. & she's a wee bit older, but close enough. The expression? Nailed it.

Anyways... I'm blessed. 

Oh, for fun, this is how I forever see Alfie. He never moves, either, haha...

Ha! So accurate! I swear the man has no other facial expressions. 

Only he's in a baby blue chair and it's in front of some window. I've gatta watch that movie about him and see if there's anything like that in there. 

I've seen him move around other people, tho. The only person I know of that he works with is Wentworth Miller. Got that gem when I wanted to research that brilliant 'Stoker' script. Took me awhile to crack that case, but it was cracked. 

Give me a magnifying glass and let me solve small crimes! 

There's a reason why, even in snippets of other people's lives, Lucy doesn't allow him anywhere near me.

Thank you, Lucy! Scary shit.

That's really cool, too. Anything anyone has questions about, spirit will answer it the best they can, and you get it the best you can receive. Which can always be magnified and amplified.

Via dreams, visions, flashes, messages, a word or repetitive thing... It's great. 

Even if it's like the Alfie thing. Talk, talk, talk, don't get up, talk. Then Lucy with, "Okay that's enough." Gone. 

So... Yeah. Point of this? There wasn't one.

I'm done now. 


Saturday, April 11, 2015

Religion & Ghosts

I've come to understand this about spirit...

People sit and use religion against those who see dead folks, and do all the fun and present energy stuff right? 

"That's not Christ-like."

"That's evil."

My favorite:

"That doesn't exist."


They use sentences from the Bible and stuff against them. So on.

That got me thinking...

I've always used this argument against anyone who used religion against anyone's connection to spirit. Or, when the family member sees the grandparent who passed and they say they're crazy:

You pray to who? Someone who isn't here. Someone who is, what? A spirit. Therefore, you're talking to and putting your faith into a GHOST. 

A ghost - spirit - is just that. A ghost. A person who was once alive, and is now dead.

That includes but is not limited to:

Your cousin
Your first pet
Saint Francis

So forth. 

Going to church and praying to God is your attempt to connect with a spirit. A ghost.

(I'm just gonna keep using God since that's the most prevalent one.)

Your going to a building that has been constructed to talk to a dead person.

A ghost.

That's what dead people are. 

I prefer the term 'spirit', but whatever.

They do say, "the Holy Spirit".


I have seen my share of dead people.

I have them around quite often, as you do too.

I do, personally, believe that they all exist. 

All of them.


So forth.

Some dead people just had a stronger following. Some were more popular than others.

Same way Lucille Ball can decide to come back and assist me in spirit with my film industry work, is the same way God can come back and help anyone who calls on him - and anyone he is able to help.

The same way Mother Theresa had done so much amazing, loving, positive soul things for the good of all in her life - she is now, in spirit, ascended. That's where saints come in. 

People who passed away, and are now called upon for certain things. 

Same way your Uncle So-n-So who was really amazing with cars, who passed away, can be called on to help you while you're fixing something on your car that's busted.

The same way bad people, who did really bad things, and never learned and never wanted to learn, can show up as really bad stuff.

They can haunt, and hurt. And scare.

It's comical to me... One part of it, one group of spirits we believe in. Or, it's more widely accepted to believe in. 

The others? 

"You're crazy."


Don't get it. 

I truly believe it's all the same damn thing. There's, like I said, just a few dead people who are more popular than others. 

That's like me, now, going off and writing some book saying it was all from Lucille Ball that will get passed along and rewritten poorly like a bad game of telephone as the years go by, anyways. Gathering her fans and saying I'm some sort of something special. Building a building to worship her spirit in, and bunches of people come and share their stories and its popular and so forth.

The same thing that is done in churches everywhere, all across the world, could be done for any dead person - by any human that has half an awareness of the ever present abilities that are in all of us.

You say it's God? You're alright.

You say it's your great Aunt Edna? You need medication. & a therapist. & shock treatment. & thousands of people question you.

But - thousands of people don't know about your great aunt Edna - do they? 

No. They don't.

You're not preaching her name or building anything for her, and gathering people.

No. You're not.

But let's say you did... 

Now, there's some people who are interested.

Therefore - unconsciously - inviting her spirit to mingle with theirs. 

Then, randomly, there are other accounts of people seeing your great aunt Edna.


They had to find out about her and know her to some degree. 

That's why people advise to stay away from Ouija boards, and haunted houses and spirits you don't know. 

They'll show up somewhere, eventually.

Do I think God is real? Jesus?

Sure do. 

Are they the end all, be all?


There's hundreds of folks just like him that are in spirit.

A short list to serve as an example?

Well okay!

- Aphrodite
- Apollo
- Archangel Michael
- Archangel Gabriel
- Archangel Metatron
- Buddah
- Coventina
- Merlin
- Ishtar
- Isolt
- Jesus
- Kuan Yin
- Marve
- Solomon
- Thoth

... I could go on.

I mean, there's even power groups.

Like, you call on Aine + Raphel + Dana + Saint Francis, all together, for help healing a pet.

&, to overcome problems with your ego, the group best to come to your aid with power in numbers is Buddah + Jesus + Moses & Sanat Kumara.

My point is... It's all the exact same thing. All of it.

Going to church alone proves you believe in ghosts. 

Saying a prayer, ever, proves you believe ghosts exist.

And it doesn't mean you believe in just one, that doesn't work that way. 

That means you then believe in them all.

So - if you've ever prayed to God, then turned around and told someone they're off their fucking rocker for seeing or hearing something from spirit... You're a hypocrite. 

You can't say one dead person exists, then denounce all others.

Because that can be a debate that never has an end.

That, to me - the people who say that shit like, "What? You're crazy" or "That doesn't exist" seem like this, to me:

Person: <calling, let's say Mary, on the phone. It's ringing. Someone else picks up.> Hello?
Me: Hey. 
Person: Oh, I was just calling Mary to ask if she'd help me.
Me: Hold on... <pause> ...She said she'll be there in 20.

I mean, really. 

Just because you've never seen God doesn't mean he doesn't exist, right?

Just because I haven't heard the voice of God doesn't mean he doesn't exist, right?

Same thing the other way around. Dead people are all dead people. Spirit is all spirit,

Just because you've never seen your great aunt Edna doesn't mean your sibling didn't. 

Just because you didn't see your Mom when she passed away, doesn't mean your child didn't. 

Just because you haven't seen Angels, doesn't mean I haven't. 

Just because you can't feel energies, doesn't mean I can't. 


You simply cannot sit beside someone who is sick or dying and say prayers, then turn around and say they are gone. Never to be seen or heard again. When 2 hours ago, you were talking to dead people and begging for them to help you.

And you simply cannot say, "Well, I was just talking, I didn't say they talked back."

...Then why in the fuck were you talking to them then?! To God, whoever?!


Yes, you were waiting for them to talk back or do something miraculous. 

But that's a deeper understanding of spirituality and life contracts and the spirit world as a whole that most people, religious or not, don't understand. 

So if you are going to sit in this world, this human world, and attempt - in any way - to contact someone in the spirit world, whoever it is, God, Mother Mary, Buddah, your Dad, your Mom, whoever... 

You cannot then turn around and belittle the people that can actually hear and see them talk back to you. 

That's childish. Like asking for a gift, and getting pissed off someone got it and you didn't. 

But that's not as tangible as a literal gift. Everyone has it.. People just mock, belittle and stamp 'crazy' with what they don't understand.

Even if they were asking for the same damn thing an hour ago. 

"But Mommy! I wanted the bike! How come Sarah got the bike I've been asking for?!"

"Well, honey, Sarah's Mommy got that bike for her."

"But I asked for a bike! I want it! Stupid Sarah! I hate her and her bike! She's crazy!"

Examine why you're such a pissy douche about it, and probably life as a whole, and maybe your bike will come. 


I'll say it again:

So if you are going to sit in this world, this human world, and attempt - in any way - to contact someone in the spirit world, whoever it is, God, Mother Mary, Buddah, your Dad, your Mom, whoever... 

You cannot then turn around and belittle the people that can actually hear and see them talk back to you. 


Let that shit sink in. 


Saturday, April 4, 2015


So... Someone said this to me today:

"Well... When you find a boyfriend, you'll understand."




I'm sorry - this whole thing is probably going to either offend or sound so totally and completely lacking compassion. Oh well.

Uhm... I have no idea how to explain to these broken, pathetic, thirsty, unable to be alone for 10 mins let alone 10 days people that the reason they sit and cry and complain about their significant other all the damn time is because they are broken, pathetic, thirsty, and unable to be alone for 10 mins let alone 10 days.

I'm talking about women, AND men.


Find implies I'm searching. I need it, so I seek it. Ha.. No. I'm complete as I am.

'You'll understand' implies I don't know already. Which, I do. 

You're the one that doesn't. Clearly. Your life and the people in it/shit you let continue is proving that. 


The term 'in love' and 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend' all are laughable. In a society where everyone fucks everyone, and people do nothing but bitch and complain about their 'love interest'... That people are 'head over heels in love' with someone who is trying to sleep with their best friend, and they know it, but make 50 excuses...

That we live in a society that the media has total control over, and 50 Shades of Grey and all its abuse and violence against woman is popular, and people get crazy trying to defend what is clearly abuse and horror when they, themselves, have shitty relationships... 

But, being alone and happy is crazy. 

Being with someone, fucking every so often, but not even really having a soul connection... People excusing the bad behavior and still going back because they have no knowledge of self... 

This all came about today when I overheard this conversation:

Man: Yeah, I'm with X now. 
Girl: How is that?! 
Man: ...Its okay. 
Girl: Oh? *laugh*
Man: Yeah. I guess. It's whatever.

Do you have any concept of how many of those conversations I've been in the middle of?!

I have never, ever, in the history of my existence as April Washko, ever seen a worthy relationship. 

I've never even seen two people trying to get together that have any real or honest promise. Ever.

Well, one. Candiss and her boyfriend, but that's a past life thing too. That's legit.

And one other friend. Who always mirrored these exact same feelings back to me. Was the exact same way, and knew EXACTLY who she was and what she was going for, and waited for it. 

That's two. And that's an extremely small percentage in my vast circle of people. 

No straight people, gay people, black people, white people, Christians, Muslims... Just, no one. Young, old... None. Not any others. 

It takes too damn long to explain that I have very clear and deep understanding that I am a soul, an energy, a force, with a body. I have a connection to the one/all/universe. 

That I don't ever need to even speak to someone to 'get it'. 3 seconds. A glance. That's all I need. 

People who don't understand that, who have lived and experienced misery and had to question and try and fail and meet more and go here or talk or meet... They don't understand that. 

They have no sense of self. No connection to the divine. Nothing. 

Energy is the easiest thing for me, period. Hands down. I know who meshes, who doesn't. Who works for someone else, who doesn't. First shot. 

I love the people who say they do, too, but they've been in a miserable and unclassified 'relationship' with someone who treats them like everything but a romantic partner. 

Then, they have to justify their shitty choices and fucked up lives by re-defining what a 'good relationship' is. In their eyes, to make it work for them. 

So they don't seem like a royal fuck up.

Funniest part?

I have been dead on about absolutely every single relationship or marriage I have ever seen or witnessed. Every single one. My whole life. 

About all the people, relationships... Everything.

I'm telling you... That sense of self and connection never leads you astray. 

I've got married friends who don't even spend, like, any time together. They act like roommates, not a married couple. They're not even 30. 

They don't act like they're in love, they act like buddies who - I know - just married each other on a, 'Eh, okay' type energy. 

One stays in one part of the house, the other in the other. 

...Shouldn't yall be, at least, all over each other - making people sick with your PDA and fucking at every opportunity? And having everyone know it? 

No? Oh, okay.

Folks in their 50s, like one of my dear friends who is a recovered addict, who likes to continuously tell me to 'find a man', yet she's shacked up with some douchebag she met in rehab who has more friends on drugs than off? She hasn't even known him for a month, and all her other relationships have been physically abusive? Addicts? And she's someone who has admitted to me, in a drunken relapse, "I'm broken and I just need someone to be there. I don't care who."


Yep. But I'm the weirdo. 

My friend today, she's married with a couple kid & stepkids. Little older, was complaining about her husband. As she always does. He doesn't do this, doesn't do that. 

So, I say, "Why are you even with him if all he ever does is piss you off?"

What does everyone say who wants to redirect, and not own their shitty decision?

Put it on you. Make you seen uneducated.

"April, well... When you find a boyfriend, you'll understand."

Uhmm.... No. I won't.

I told her no, that will never happen. I won't ever have that crap in my life. My man will be perfection - to me. We will be exactly what so many aren't. 

We'll be human, with flaws and issues, but overall we'll be that couple everyone looks at that says, "Fuck. They're amazing." Then think silently, 'How the fuck do they do that?' And people will probably be silently betting against some fallout that will never happen, because we took time and knew better, and didn't settle. 

I do not believe you just have to be miserable sometimes. I do not believe relationships and marriage are lots of work, not at all. 

I do believe that if it is hard work, and you need to work at it, then you are absolutely - no question - in the total wrong relationship.

But, miserable people who make bad life and relationship decisions left and right will call bullshit. 

I don't get the majority of people just as, I'm sure, they don't get me. 

It's not even that I fit Demisexual or Sapiosexual - it's just the closest thing to an explanation that makes sense to most people. 

Oddly enough - I don't think it's a coincidence that highly conscious/knowledge of self folks are almost always self identified as Demisexual and Sapiosexual. 

*taps temple* Think about that one. 

You may Google. 


Honestly, I fit nothing. I just am, and I'm not an idiot. 

I mean, how many red flags does someone have to pass - then make efforts to try and explain in their favor when it all goes wrong?

I don't get it. 

People are hilarious.

Here's my favorite:

"You're single. How do you know anything about relationships?"

Never to even be dignified with a response. 

Because the response is usually highly offensive to the person who said that ignorant statement in the first place. 

(I got some examples. I'll even add some flair and add the Kermit 'none of my business' Meme!)


"Hmm... Wasn't your boyfriend/baby daddy the one who said he was going to kidnap your kids last week?"

"Hmm... Isn't your boyfriend the one who is texting 3 of your girlfriends behind your back? Only, it's not behind your back because they told you all about it, and you told them they've all got something wrong with them?"

"Hmm... Weren't you just crying on my shoulder yesterday saying, 'Why won't he pay attention to me?! What do I have to do?!' & so serious about that pathetic shit?"

"Hmm... Weren't you JUST engaged to some girl, then now - two weeks later - you're with someone else? Wait, wait... Weren't you with, like, 6 girls in the last 4 months who have all, ironically, been 'the one'?"

"Hmm... Don't you just argue? And sit and cry about them all the time?"

"Hmm... Aren't you in a sexless marriage and you both never talk and hate each other? And you both know it?"

"Hmm... Didn't he shove you around and tell you to get the fuck out 4 times this week, tho?"

I could go on. 

And on, and on, and on.

& I'm the idiot. Riiiiggghhhtttt. 

Most people, the alarming majority, have absolutely no sense of self. Or connection to their true self, or the power that keeps planets where they are. 

That's half the damn problem.

People date/marry at the level of their self esteem. 

When one has self esteem thru the roof... One just won't settle. 

How can you come down, knock a bunch of quality out of yourself, just to be with someone?


It's so funny... The single people, like myself, choose it. That alone most can't understand. Why? Well, your pathetic ass can't be alone, and you'd rather be with someone shitty that you make excuses for than to wait for someone who is truly amazing to/for you... But, Ya know... Idiot single one here. 

If having a boyfriend, or being married means I have to live like absolutely anyone I know - or even have heard about... I'm good, thanks. 

Unless that man makes my life significantly better, makes me want to be better, so many other things... It's not worth wasting time.

I'm not bored. I don't need some random relationship or icky meaningless sex (STD's now adays, kids) because I feel less than or so bored I need someone else to take up 20 mins of my time. 

I don't need some random idiot to park his slutty penis in my vagina to fill some space in my heart where I don't love and respect myself, either. 


I got off the discount rack and put myself behind the glass with the expensive valuables yeeeaaarrsss ago. 

<thumbs up>

Knowledge of self, folks. 

& you wanna know what that, "When you get a boyfriend/are in a relationship/marriage, you'll understand" really means? To me, and on a real level?

They're trying to say: When you're in a relationship, you'll settle. Like I did. I settled. And when you're in a relationship, like me, you'll finally understand all this bullshit and fuckery that I deal with. Because I deal with bullshit and fuckery. To be honest, I hate my decisions. But I made them, probably committed way to far, and I can't go anywhere now. You will, too. And when you do, you'll understand what it's like to be here. To be stuck. To be less than everything I, at one time, wanted for myself. When you find yourself stuck in this kind of relationship, with my kind of life, you'll understand. 

<mind blown!>


But really... 

I'd rather be by myself, forever, than living the life of the majority of people in relationships now a days. 

So, I'mma just sit by myself in the corner, and stay silent. Like this: