Sunday, May 31, 2015
I got this text yesterday from a my beautiful friend/amazingly talented film intern, Torri:
I knew it was a sign.
Then, I go to sleep last night, & I'm pretty sure I met Vivian Vance. Ethel from 'I Love Lucy'.
Never met her before.
I was standing on a road. A dirt road. Dirt, mud and pebbles, and an old car pulled up. I was dressed modern, and this car was like an old 50s looking bug type car. It pulled up from my left, headded off to my right, but stopped right in front of me. A mint green old car.
I was with someone. Lucy I think, but I didn't see her. She, or whoever it was, was standing on my left.
When the car stopped in front of me, the person next to me said Hello, and walked up to the car.
The driver was on my side, on the left of the car. That was odd. It was a man, in a black suit and a black cap, like an old chauffeur cap. I couldn't see his face, and he did nothing but look straight ahead. Never side to side. Just straight ahead.
In the passenger seat, the far side of the car, the cars right, there was a blonde woman dressed in black and white 50s attire. Blonde hair curled up low, lining a black cap that took up the crown area of her head, and a small black veil pulled over the left side of her face.
She was scooted down in the seat, way down, like she was trying to not be seen. But she was, oddly enough and I don't know why, holding her eyes open and dropping eye drops in her eyes. Contact solution, the kind I use.
She didn't look like anyone I know. Not at all. She was talking, and I said, "Wait, who are you?"
Someone next to me, sounding like Lucy said, "That's Vivian Vance."
It looked nothing like her. Not at all.
"You don't look like Vivian Vance."
She laughed, still putting contacts in her eyes. "I don't have to here, honey. I can look like whatever I want."
I was cautious. I've been warned that sometimes people try to assume the likeness of other people. People they are not. But whoever I was with I know I trusted, and I'm pretty sure it was Lucy. So my side being met by spirit appearing makes me think it was legit.
But it looked nothing like her!
I don't know much about Vivian Vance. Let me google her and see what she looked like when she was younger.
I do know she had a stroke later in life, and one side of her face and how it appeared in the dream would go with that fact. But, still, looked nothing like her.
AAAHAHAHA IT WAS VIVIAN VANCE!
I've never seen her like that before!
So this is all I knew of Viv:
So Google says this is Vivian Vance when she was younger, & this is how I saw her:
Ha! Thank you, Google!
My dreams was in color, so even the pictures seem a bit off in BW but it's legit! Especially the top one of the last set. Wow. Yeah, guess she just showed up younger.
I wonder if she had eye issues?
Can't find anything.
Well... I wonder where they were going. It looked like they were dressed for a funeral.
Did anyone die yesterday or today that was connected to them?
Nothing I recognize.
Man. The puzzles.
Wish I would have caught more of the conversation we/they had.
Did she have blue eyes. She did in my dream...
Point for me!
...See, this is what I always do when I meet someone new, lol.
Well, it's nice to meet you Viv. That's her official title for me. Everyone's got a nickname.
Reading from a new Tarot Card deck tonight on Terror Troop podcast. Waiting on a business call right now, got a production that's working in Canada right now and moving to Michigan that I'm probably going to UPM. Group of hard working and compassionate people, so it's exciting.
Love people working for and with other people. Happy days!
Hope all is well.
Peace & Love, folks.
Friday, May 29, 2015
I must admit, it's very interesting to me how someone is 'made'.
I mean, 'famous people'. 'Celebrities'.
Shit is so interesting.
I make it my business to know how to do all of the business. Learn all the rules and ways so you can use them, and not have them use you.
How a person, a normal ass person like you and me and everyone else on planet earth, can be branded and formulated and placed inside schemes and stunts and around other shit and people that goes other places... And you've got people falling over them.
That was half my intrigue when I decided to start learning marketing/PR/management, all that stuff.
I was so curious, interested in how a 'famous person' is made.
Because they are. Made. Formulated. Much like a film is publicized. Obviously, not exactly the same, but - comparison.
I, personally, will never understand how people go ape shit over someone. A friend that was close that you haven't seen in a long time? Sure. A spouse or loved one in the military coming home? Sure.
But some random ass 'celebrity'?
<crickets chirping, confused face>
Don't get it.
But it's all a science. There's a way to do it all, every piece of it. Every step is a science that's just as awkward and bizarre, but in actuality is super smart and makes complete sense.
Some shit they've been doing since Marilyn Monroe. There was actually HUGE undercover stunts that you'd never think, ever, were stunts that were done to get people in to see 'Seven Year Itch' that are still used today.
But lots of it is, "We know it's done, but we don't talk about it" stuff. And some, depending the over inflated ego of the 'celebrity', would really offend them &/or seriously injure said ego.
I was having a talk with a friend the other day who has done some huge studio/TV work and is now trying to do his own thing. I shot him some ideas and shit, and he said, "Damn, April, why don't you go into being a serious executive? I'm not kidding."
I thought about it for a millisecond.
It's one thing to absorb stuff intuitively, go on instinct. To have open, crazy, inspiring and work-heavy conversations with people who believe in me. People I'm passionate about helping who can't get the help other places.
It's another to strive to work for a system that, to me, is 'exclusive'. That doesn't help people, really, and doesn't invite hard working aspiring people to study and work under current top-ranked professionals.
I just don't like a damn thing about entitlement. And that's what it all feels like, to me. That's how it hits my soul.
& I have an extremely low BS tolerance. I can't watch bad people do bad things.
Like John Singleton says (Boyz N Tha Hood, etc) - he openly talks about how he was fucked over by the studios. He says, "Back in the day, jazz musicians and everyone would get together and share ideas and knowledge and stories and opportunities. Everyone was welcome. We need to get back to that."
There's just more passion and heart and family and love in what i do and how I do it now. That I've never found in California, a studio, a studio set, a big audition room, or at meetings or dinners with the people who put shit in your theaters.
Again, not all bad. I'm very blessed to know the amazing people. But I don't like the 3% good vs 97% bad. Too much of the negative, soul sucking stuff.
So yeah.. It's just fascinating to me. 'Celebrity'.
Don't get me wrong, I wanna get there someday... To 'success', whatever that ties into 'celebrity' I don't know yet. But I'm not delusional.
Like - I'm just creative. I'm an excellent idea person. I can tailor ideas around or to almost anything under the sun. I have really new, smart ways of getting your money back, I'm super efficient with keeping budgets low, just - crazy good ideas and solutions.
Plus, I really enjoy playing pretend for a living. I do what I do not for a credit, but to - honestly - touch someone. Somewhere. Now, anyways. A laugh or something. I'm only an actor in projects I truly believe in the story, the character, or the crew behind it.
I'm not a fucking heart surgeon. You know?
I don't know how to cut open your chest and make your stopped heart beat again.
Those people are the fucking celebrities. Real talk.
Me? I'm just creative and like to make you laugh for an hour or whatever. That's it. I'm not saving lives. Just making entertainment.
Something for the girl that just spent 6 hours operating on a patient in the operating room to unwind with. Laugh at.
I wasn't in there with her, lol.
They're the real celebrities. They should be getting paid what actors and studio execs get paid, for sure.
"What do you do?"
"Oh, I pretend to be <character> in a movie/on TV."
"& how much do you make?"
"Depends. $10M picture deals, usually."
"...& you pretend to be someone? Memorize lines and rehearse emotions and shit?"
"...& you, ma'am, what do you do?"
"I'm a surgeon."
"& what do you do exactly?"
"Depends. I cut someone open and find a problem with their insides, and fix it."
"...so you cut people open?"
"Yeah, that's part of it."
"Like, slice their chest open and break ribs and then fix it all and when they wake up they have you and the doctors and nurses here to thank for even waking up?"
"...& you're not making $10M?!"
"No. & actually, our hospital just lost come funding so we're pretty understaffed."
"...& you, how many people work on your sets as actors usually?"
"Depends. Average, maybe 5."
"& do they all make the $10M?"
"If they're a big enough name, yeah."
"& how much money are these productions given to play pretend and make entertainment?"
"Depends. $60M? $14M for some smaller films."
"...& you, your hospital where you save lives is understaffed?"
<fucking mind BLOWN>
But the doctors and stuff have it better off, don't they?
They might not get the pay an actor or someone who tells actors how to emote or move does... But, they've got it better, right?
They're not ego-maniacs (most anyways). They aren't so removed from the general public that they then begin to see themselves as an item, too. They can actually move about without people bombarding them everywhere, & they never have to worry about their faces plastered across an 'US Weekly' or anything.
They can still move about, live an actual life. Make friends everywhere, do pretty much anything they want without there being some discussion publicly - between millions and millions of people they don't know.
They're like the super heroes. Really. Stealthy, just saving lives in privacy.
A friend of mine who is currently living in LA and busting his ass trying to become an actor had that discussion with me the other day.
He knows some big people, too. His last girlfriend was actually a really huge name actress. He said, "Really, April, everyone who wants to be in this business is a fucking psycho."
He went on to explain that only a seriously broken person would want all that crap. Endless amounts of money to do really nothing with except build houses and buy cars or basically buy a girlfriend/boyfriend. The prominent package deal that is saying goodbye to your freedom as well as your ability to make real friends and having people you don't know think you constantly owe them something. Autograph, picture, sperm, vagina, whatever.
He's right. You've got to have something wrong with you.
Who the hell wants that? In exchange for, what?
Everyone loving you, your success and public appeal being known by all the people who once cursed your name, & finally being - what - seen? Blown up?
What is it that 'game' fixes for the broken masses?
We all know most people have had some fucked up shit happen in their lives. More than less. Go figure.
& so few seem to realize that the fame they chase, that will be built for them and around them, will ultimately replace openness. Communication. Freedom. New friends, new soul opportunities. Life, and what it means to truly live.
Or they just don't care. Doesn't matter to them, they just want that faaaammmeee. Glitz and glamour, bitches.
I mean, whatever, your life is your life. It's just fascinating to me. All of it.
So what's wrong with me?
I mean, I want to be some part of all of that, too.
Not like that.
I'm not delusional. I'm no better or worse than anyone else, and no matter what I do or where my face may end up, that'll never change.
I've lost the desperation I once had, back when I was first starting. The whole. "Just get a credit to get your card then get known" shit is rubbish to me now. If I got a call to audition for a huge production tomorrow would I do it?
My answer used to be, hands down, "Yes." Now, it's, "Well what is it? What's it about?"
I've asked that question a couple times and actually been bashed for it. Like how dare I ask that. Motherfucker, I'm a human, your a human, let's be humans. Of course I want to know that.
But no, the attitude was "how dare you ask that, who do you think you are?! You're nobody. You should be grateful you're even getting an audition!"
With that attitude, now, I just politely tell them to fuck off.
Let's say I got said audition. If I got there and shit got questionable and/or there was stuff being mysteriously written in that I didn't approve...
...before? I'd be tripping balls silently. Worrying, making excuses and asking nicely if I could not do it. Inevitably, probably ending up doing it because of the same reasons the douchebags above can't take a legit and normal question.
Now? Duces. Bye. You got the wrong bitch if you think I'm just going to go along with some shit I said I wouldn't from day one. Bye.
Or, the most terrifying to them I'm sure... I know how to use the media and everything about paparazzi and entertainment shows and shit to my benefit, for my benefit. Try and fuck me over? Secret missions and objectives? Nice try. I'll be on every entertainment outlet speaking the truth tomorrow. TMZ here I come.
I moved back to MI from LA for a reason. I wasn't about to get sucked up in the delusion. Too unreal, too exclusive, too 'us only', too 'plastic' for me.
Furthermore, Kyle and Jared's suicides have fueled me in a new direction. For new reasons that I suppose I always had, but were extracted and shown to me on a silver plate.
Kyle and Jared aspired to be filmmakers. Directors. Writers. They were so fucking passionate about that, words will never do it justice.
They were overlooked, unseen. Everything was made to feel too 'exclusive' and 'members only' for them, too. No matter how hard they tried.
& believe me, they tried.
They were so brilliant. I mean, brilliant. Einstein and Steve Jobs and Orson Wells and every great brilliant visionary before them all rolled into one.
And they were too 'below us' for the industry.
& they killed themselves.
Their depression and self loathing was only amplified by the impossibility the film industry presents to aspiring filmmakers, actors, etc.
Like Kevin Smith said, "It's too hard for kids now. It's been made to be impossible. I was lucky, I got in before all this shit. No kid can get into it now."
I'll be god damned if some kid out there has to abandon their dreams because they're not welcome. Or they just don't know someone or it's made to be impossible.
"It's hard, it's a tough business."
Why?! Fucking why?!
People will train people how to diagnose diseases but we can't take someone who is passionate and struggling and help them make people laugh?! Come on now.
Shit is fucking stupid. I don't understand the stupidity and backwards ass values.
I'm doing it for the Kyle's and Jared's. The kids in film school who wasted money and are in stupid debt and can't get any jobs other than unpaid internships working 3 jobs that are barely making it in CA.
And all the pretentious fucks that act like ideas and creativity are something very secretive and only allowed to be expressed by the chosen few. Like they're all high and mighty with their $200M and mansions and they're just too special to every take a second look at someone in the struggle.
Like they're saying, "Taking chances on someone?! We can't believe in anyone or help anyone build a career in the film industry! God no! What we do is sacred! We don't let just anyone in!"
Fuck that. No. No, no and no.
Then that's when sad, upset people who see no other way in will drop to their knees, in tears, and put a dick in their mouth. Or God knows what else.
I just can't support that.
Kyle and Jared had dreams. They actually had it, and man if someone had taken a chance on either of them, they would be fucking zillionaires. Not to mention, they would be basically bowed to everywhere. "How did you discover such talent?!"
By believing in someone and actually caring about a human being, fuckwad.
I just can't pass people up. Over. I can't. There's no schedule in the world, no job too big to forget that or not be passionate about that.
There are a million Kyle's and Jared's out there, and God damnit, I will find them all.
Including every other talented, passionate person who is at the end of their rope and about to give up.
I'm working for them.
I'm working toward the place where I can work for and with them, anyways.
Where I can believe and inspire and uplift and show a side that isn't exclusive, but inclusive. That really ACTUALLY welcomes everyone who is serious and passionate and just honestly needs someone's advice or assistance or, hell, just an inspiring and uplifting conversation.
Of course, I'm working for all the April Washko's, too. Because I'm in the same boat.
But, what I realized was... Even the people who say they want to help people don't always mean it. Or, they might, but don't know how.
I mean, imagine, being stuck in that system for years? People just don't do that anymore. The days of bringing a 'nobody' around with you and helping them and teaching and working with them and letting them work with you are long gone. They died with the studio system back with RKO.
Or they really don't know how. Or they never were ever really in any struggle at all. Mommy and Daddy helped them do almost everything, and shit just fell in their laps. Or a friend of a friend helped them. Or they were happy to bend over a table or send naked pictures. Who knows.
But I do know that if you want something done, you've gatta do it yourself.
I've gatta do it myself.
No one offering an opportunity to me? I'll offer it to my damn self, and millions of other me's that are out there.
I will truly, completely, absolutely be for someone else what no one was to me.
I will be the living, breathing, walking, talking, embodiment of that statement.
My life is meant to live that statement.
I will be to someone else what nobody was for Kyle or Jared.
On the days I think I can't do it anymore. I can't hit another wall with an investor, or a budget, or a crew, or a scheduling conflict, or I'm doing nothing and can't get anyone to let me do something, or I'm trying so hard to learn and grow and no one will let me learn or grow from them, I remember that.
I will go to my grave having made a bigger difference to people than most ever will.
Again, not delusional. No heart surgeon. Just a bright eyed, pretty sassy idea-machine with a heart of gold, a horrible potty mouth, and an insane desire to see other people succeed. To thrive. To achieve everything their dream entailed.
Fuck, even if it's one person - even if I try my whole life and only get one persons 'Hollywood' dreams to come true... That's better than nothing.
No one else is willing or able to do what I can/want to do. For myself and others.
I will be to someone else what no one was to me.
Or Kyle, or Jared, or the Peg's (girl in 40s who killed herself when she couldn't get acting roles in Hollywood) or anyone else struggling to get into the business of entertainment.
I mean Jesus Christ the fact that it's a struggle is just hilarious to me.
& my greatest joy will be to live to see the day that I can see the people I've helped pay it forward, and teach other people how to believe in and help other struggling filmmakers/actors/directors, etc.
Because to be honest, in an industry that's raising our fucking kids, where all they do is sell sex/drugs/violence, etc, it's about time we bring up some people with some solid moral code and humanness.
Let's saturate this market with some do-gooders, guys.
I will. I volunteer.
I mean don't get it twisted - if someone hit me up tomorrow like, "Hey, I dig your style. Let's chat and see how we vibe, who you are all that jazz." I wouldn't turn it down. Been in the struggle here people, that's a big deal. Shit, I welcome it. Send people my way, people!
But everything would be used as a stepping stone to one day being able to help more people who have struggled where myself and so many others are struggling. I ain't holding my breath and I'm not stupid, but as we all know - the acknowledgement and willingness to help a human out is amazing. Refreshing and uplifting. Goes a long way.
On that note...
Another thing I think about:
Things like JK Rowling was turned down by 12 publishers, and the guy that invented Starbucks was turned down by 242 banks, and on and on and on.
What stands out the MOST about that to me is... I wanna be the one publisher that DID believe in JK Rowling.
I want to be the bank that DID risk shit to give the guy from Starbucks his start up money.
I want to be those people.
& everyone was a 'nobody' before they were a 'somebody'.
I mean books and building an empire of an actual business are more noble than filmmaking in my opinion, mostly, but the point is still the point.
That's fucking awesome that someone believed in them and took the chances. That is absolutely amazing.
Be the publisher that signed JK Rowling. Because you never know what you're passing up!
&, again... Be for someone else what no one was for you.
I know I will be.
I'll do it or I'll die trying.
You can fucking bet on that shit.
Let me hit you with some real shit, some lyrics from 'Not For The Weakminded'**, Snow's verse:
"I've been at the shit through past due rents
Man I've been broke, I've been homeless, shit packed in bins
I've been at this since back when tax bracket shit
Was way past any practical math I did
Now I'm halfway past half to a capitalist
Three-fourths day of the year i rap top of the list
Now I'm really getting my dividends and stackin' up big
Gotta go back to where I'm from to mentally handle this shit
Cuz I've been a nobody so long, gonna readjust
Get a North Hollywood home
Still close enough to deal with bullshit deals
But yet far enough to be where Latin folks roam
All originality with a capital O
So the game wanna see a bitch broke with no soul
So I grasp it tight because a chick like me know
That I would rob these bitches because old habits die slow
Look I never been a punk and I never been a bitch
So you bitches better run, we all know the benefits
Cuz your 15's done when my 16's hit
Heard games are for fun but this game's bullshit
Bitch, no I did not come this far to quit
This argument is not even real
Went from not having a pot to piss to coppin' whips
And stocks and casas in hills
All these new bitches talking but chill
Watch when they get out of pocket, I'll kill
Any of them, got plenty of friends, in any event
I'll finish em off, no question, no squeal
Yes I am tired of all you sluts
That been coming in the game cause you bought your butts
Now you wanna claim fame cuz some guy you fucked
Is giving you a hood pass, should've passed you up
But yup, of course you lie, sit there and organize
Try to be more than just hoes, umm
Thinking you sort of tight cause someone wrote your lines
Thinking you whores have got flow, no
You can record the lies, gimme some more so I
Finally listen and hear dough
Cuz I've been trying to hear competition for a god damn year
But don't hear shit but ripoffs and hoes
Get off the blow, get up and get y'all a show
I have been hitting the road, building my own
Little by little but no, I do it all on my own
Yes I got dough, I don't split shit but to roll
Bitch I can show y'all the ropes
All of you hoes that got cosigns, clothesline dry ass
Stale ass bitches need those, I don't!"
Peace & Love, folks.
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Last night, I'm in bed. Almost asleep. Lights off, one step away from snoozeville.
You know how you're almost at that place sometimes and something jars you out of it? I was right there, minus jarring.
Then, I see a this. Top right corner of my minds screen, so to speak:
It took me a second, then I asked (in my head), "Who is this?"
To which I get this:
The mole is what did it. Only for some reason it was closer to her eye, up on her cheek. Like, more by her eye.
Recognition. Oh, just Ms. M.
I hear, "Honey, listen to me..."
Then I PASSED THE FUCK OUT!
GAAAHHHH I AM SO FUCKING MAD YOU DONT EVEN KNOW! All day, ALL DAY I have been trying to recall my dream. Because I know that's where she went.
God damnit, so mad. I know it must have been important, too.
I'm telling you guys, this is how this shit usually happens. It's so random and confusing. Pictures with words or moles or ways for me to recognize them or it. Smells and scents and sounds. So weird.
When I get really upset and start crying, I see this. Exactly this. So exactly this that this makes me laugh:
But she's almost always this age:
And it's next to this:
Only it's got more white than anything and it's shaped like an Angel. And add more misty like texture. That's Jonathan.
They always come together. 9 times out of 10, anyways.
Then add words or movement or smells or whatever.
It's one big ass game of clue that mediums should get tons more credit for. I have no idea, man.
Or this'll happen during my day...
I look at the clock, and I see:
So, I go look it up (because anyone knows repeating #'s are angel numbers) & it says:
I recognize, then say, "Okay, come on, help me out guys. Let me know when you're here."
Then, a couple mins maybe hours later, I smell:
Lucy = Lilacs. Always has.
Then I'll say, "That you?"
Maybe a couple mins, a couple hours later, I see this:
Maybe a couple mins, couple hours later someone calls and we talk for a min - and they have no reason in the world to, but they mention Lucille Ball.
It's so weird.
Or, I wake up in the middle of the night and see this sitting next to me:
Only its white, pure white and like 600x's brighter than that. But it doesn't hurt your eyes.
Or I'll turn around or go to move and see this out the corner of my eye (or sometimes straight on when I enter a new room):
Different colors, not always the same color. Usually not so many. Maybe 3-5.
Idk, thought I'd share. In case anyone else out there thinks they're going crazy.
But a big welcome to the world of confusion! LOL
It gets easier when it happens more often, and you ask questions so they can help you decipher what is for who and what different signs mean. How they're trying to make it all make sense to you.
But, don't mean to burst your bubble... The shit doesn't get easier really. You just have a set list of certain things you know, and get better at the game of clue. Haha.
Okay, goodnight! Off to hopefully finish/remember this conversation.
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Everything about this makes me grateful I am sober.
God, I can't even imagine. This pretty much was my life - as a teenager in Michigan. When there was no camera phones, no YouTube, no Facebook, no nothing.
And I was just a kid. I wasn't famous. Wasn't even starting down the acting/filmmaking path yet.
I am so, so thankful - so grateful - so blessed that I got sober. Clean, sober, everything.
Because this was the plan for my life. This is what I wanted to do, how I wanted to get there. It was all I knew.
Because I fucking lived that shit. I fucking lived it... It was the only thing I knew for so long.
Sobriety has never felt so good.
God, it makes me weap every time. Without fail.
Thank you, Anna... Marilyn... For staying beside me, and helping me. Making sure I don't make the same mistakes you made. That I don't slip back into that life.
Because, as we know, that's much easier than sobriety. Than being conscious and actively living. So much easier.
& let me tell you something... There's nothing glamorous about any of it, either. Nothing.
It's not cute, it's not 'Hollywood' - or, well, it is Hollywood and that's the whole fucking problem - but yeah... Not the way to go.
Rest In Peace, Anna. Love you, & thank you.
* PS- Are we super fucking sure Anna is dead?! That woman looks IDENTICAL to her! Holy shit, it's crazy. She's fucking beautiful, too.
Monday, May 25, 2015
The last couple days have been... Productive?
I've been brainwashing myself with 'The Secret'. That's been good.
I've been effectively releasing fears I've had associated with hearing and seeing things like I used to. In life and shit.
I was almost asleep the other night and I heard a man say, "Now." Then I got some weird flash of something, so I just followed it.
I was driving, heard a distinct whistling in my ear and saw the lovely Ms. M behind me. She winked.
Last night I had an amazing dream that I'm so mad I, again, didn't write down. Thinking I'd remember it.
I was at a table, looked like an office. Lucy was to my right, and as she walked me over and we sat down in front of some people - mainly a man - she said, "I know how hard you've been trying, so I thought I'd bring some more people to you."
I looked at her dumbfounded, a look on my face I'm sure like, 'what the hell am I supposed to say?!'
She chuckled and pointed at the people, "You have questions don't you?"
"So ask them! Go on, kid. Now's your chance."
I don't remember much. I have the flashes of small memories.
Like Lucy interrupting them and saying, "No, now you've got to tell her the truth. How the hell is she going to learn unless you tell her the truth?"
And, "Listen to him, April. He knows what he's talking about."
"Tell her about the rewrites."
"Make it doable for her now."
"You have to elaborate that."
I wish I could remember.
What keeps me sane is knowing that in dreams like that, regardless what you consciously remember, it's stored deep in your subconscious. In your souls memory. It'll be remembered when it needs to be.
Part of me wants to guess it was either John Wayne of Carey Grant. With a woman to their right.
I wanna say John. But in a suit like Carey Grant? Not in that western garb he's usually in.
That's probably where the confusion is.
God, I don't know.
But she does that a lot. Brings me people. Or people to me.
I also remember her telling this person, "Come on, talk fast. Get it out." While she snapped her fingers.
Of course it comes when I'm about to start working with a new production company for some new stuff they've got coming up.
I love spirit. I really, really do.
They're the best.
And, again, as I've said on here before... I start seeing them in abundance when shits getting real. When it's a busy road, or a good road.
Spirit guides are amazing. Thanks, guys.
I still want to put Lucy on my resume as my business manager. Get a medium to let me her number down, and see what happens. Haha!
The Secret. Watching it again. For the, like, 30th time.
I think I've finally figured the majority of it out. How it works for me, anyways.
I've found that all the higher consciousness and the secret law of attraction and all that is legit. Of course it is. But there's a million ways to apply whichever practice, and it's figuring out whatever formula works for you.
I'm not a religious person. At all. But I'm a spiritual person, for sure.
Also, working on learning more about crystals and crystal healing and all that. Healing with herbs and all that. It's a huge tie in to aromatherapy and shit... Lots to learn.
Like Bob Proctor says, "Just because you don't understand it doesn't mean you should reject it. You don't understand electricity probably, no one even knows what it is, but we all get the benefits of it."
I love the visionary Rev. Dr. Michael Beckwith. He's fantastic. So is James Arthur Ray. Just, applause.
You're the masterpiece of your own life!
I think I've also finally understood the connection between the spirit world and the law of attraction and energy and everything. Which was a block for me, a constant question. Something I didn't get.
I don't know how or why I ask Angels and guides and stuff for help and still have to apply the law of attraction and energy cleaning and shit. I didn't get it.
I do now.
Hard to explain unless it's in person, because the explanation is still jumbled for me too... But I get it.
The issue is the constantly applying it.
Constantly. Every second of every day.
Policing thoughts and shit.
Hasn't been all that difficult thus far. Getting more commonplace.
Anyhow - off I go.
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
I'm pretty sure (if I dare declare that) that I've finally got the hang of 'the secret' and shit.
I watched it 3 times in a row last night. Shits hard, to honestly really police your own thoughts. But.... God damnit, I'm trying.
For me, the belief beyond any doubts is hardest. Unwavering faith. That's the hardest of them all.
But, like so many have said, unwavering faith required a pretty delusional mindset. To a degree. To be so 'crazy' or 'insane' as to completely, 4,000% believe beyond any doubts that X, which is - 'realistically' it has historically been 'impossible' - is in fact... Completely, totally possible. And even more than possible - fucking guaranteed.
A little delusion is required for that.
Working on it!
I've been seeing sparkles and small flashes lately. White and blue. I googled it - it's Angels.
Saw a small white blurb - okay, not so small more a beach ball size - appear and disappear as soon as I saw it.
I walked thru a cloud of my grandmas perfume. She was sitting on my couch petting my cat.
I was in my bathroom the other night and saw someone walk into my guest room.
Thought I was crazy for a second, then I watched a human shaped shadow move across the wall. Not crazy.
Idk why I live by myself. I'm a fucking idiot.
I had half a mind to shoot the shadow, but I knew it was a fleeting dead person. A woman.
I hope everyone is checking out the videos I'm putting on YouTube of my vacation with my BFF. They're pretty damn comical if I do say so myself.
I've been falling asleep at, like, 7a MI time lately. Every night. What the hell is that about? Something is usually going on when it's the same time every night. For me anyways. Is everyone out there okay?
The new Tarot Tuesday on Terror Troop, #19, is pretty damn funny too. I don't even know what the hell happened. Can you believe I did drugs? Adderall, of all things? That was me sober. Crazy right?
Okay... Back to work.
Been reading articles and watching videos and shit all day. Knowledge is one thing no one can ever take away from you, kids.
& always think outside the box. Like Desi Arnaz always said, "There are no set ways. Think of anything, and try it. If someone says 'Why?' I always say, 'Why not?' Why not."
Live by "Why not", & watch things transform.
Saturday, May 16, 2015
So, today was... New?
I usually don't just start reading for people. Or even trying. Even if I get something, I keep it to myself in fear I may be wrong or I may be mocked for it.
Not that anyone who would mock me I give a fuck about - just wanna avoid the argument or altercation if possible, because I won't sit and just 'take it'.
But, every so often you meet someone or someone comes into your life that you KNOW will just 'get it'.
Today was only the second time I've done this, and I just let it roll.
This is what happened.
I am the green, my beloved friend is in the grey:
<eyes the room slowly and suspiciously>
I guess I'm not as bad as I thought.
I'm thinking maybe I should do this more often? Find more people I trust and am open with about it and go with it?
As open as you'd think the majority of the film industry folks are about this stuff... I've found they aren't. In my personal journey anyways.
Some find it fascinating, but to take you seriously? Not so much.
Especially if I'm wrong or off.
Which, I mean I haven't trained under anyone or even had anyone help me really and truly fine tune any of if. So... I'm just rogue, kids!
In other news:
Had a beautiful talk with a friend of a friend who was looking for some business advice today. A new and wonderful venture he's undertaking which I believe will be abundantly successful. It's so positive and uplifting for all.
He was a film actor and producer, and stepped away from it for many of the same reasons I left California and the studio-game of it all. He's diving into more soulful, useful things for himself and the world to grow.
It's always refreshing to find others who have realized the bullshit, too.
He stepped away completely, I haven't - but the reasons are virtually identical. We talked about that tonight, too. With the prominent focus being his new endeavor and trying to fill him with as much knowledge and positivity as possible.
I've got some new branches of things with some old friends I reconnected with. It's funny how nothing is a coincidence. You know? Everyone you meet is for a reason, and maybe not then in that moment... But later on you find out why.
It just clicks, and you realize, and the ball starts rolling.
I'm super excited to be doing the work im doing. A lot of business things now, always constant learning, but the goal is to help other people who are trying to get into film and all that who just... Can't.
For the same reasons we all just... Can't.
Overlooked. Not a big enough resume. Not union. Not a friend of someone who can co-sign you... Whatever bullshit excuse.
In an industry that's all about paper to paper (money, contracts, resumes) - I want to be people to people (souls, passions, hearts, believing & empowering).
Slowly but surely.
Working my ass off over here. The learning game has never been so strong!
I seriously don't think I can ever learn enough. Can that be classified as an addiction?
I guess so, workaholic. Right? Falls under that category?
Okay... Bed. I need dreams and messages. I'm feeling the need for the spirit connection tonight.
Dream, dream, dream.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
So, there's something to saying a spirits name out loud.
It's kind of like a direct call.
There's even more power to having them hear their own voice.
It's kind of like, at least in my experience, like... A piece of themselves. A call to them, by themselves. They're even more drawn to it.
Tonight, I had a short visit from someone - fleeting. So I went to put on some of his stuff, and he actually retreated further away.
Didn't care one bit.
Lucy - totally different story. She's drawn to her stuff like a moth to a flame. Especially 'I Love Lucy'. Put it on, guarantee she's there.
Usually she just watches. Kind of in awe of herself. Really proud of what she did. Reliving those moments, kind of.
The old timers are more that way with their work. More awed and entranced almost by themselves.
The more, I guess modern folks? Not so much.
If Lucy didn't have other interests in me, other connections, a relationship we built... She wouldn't say too much. Or care too much, aside from the bare bones of the work advice I need or ask for.
Same with a lot of the old timers, actually.
Now - the ones who were younger, they take more of a personal interest. I've found, anyways. The career connection is the reason they came - but they don't really have any draw to their careers. Not anymore.
They're more about me. April, the person. Randomly making me laugh or just saying or doing something pertaining to my personal life. Not so much my career, or only my career.
My Grandpa has always been fleeting. He's present and protective, but he's more of the, "She's fine" mentality. Unless I call on him specifically.
My Grandma - I don't know, I'm kind of sad I can't feel her around like I did before. When she just passed. Bothers me a little, too, because I saw her walk up to my bed a couple weeks ago and she actually scared me. Which wasn't okay with me, and she didn't look too happy. Not like my Grandma would look coming in for a visit.
And she didn't even look at me.
And she was black and grey. All transparent like.
So, I have no idea what that was about.
I asked Jonathan and Michael to go make sure that situation was cleaned or whatever and taken care of.
...I've got an elephant coming into my dreams a bit lately.
I've also seen pieces of other people's lives I have no personal part in. Someone's Grandpa with green suspenders or a green shirt or something keeps randomly popping in for a second or two. I wanna say green suspenders.
He says, "Go get him."
Can't get anyone who is anonymous, pops.
Heard broken pieces of a conversation some dude was trying to have with me the other night. Couldn't pick a word out, but be was babbling away.
Drove past a cemetery the other day and seen some dude standing next to his grave marker, checking his pocket watch. The only way I can describe him is he looked like a magician straight out of 1812 or some shit.
Slicked back black hair, big curled up mustache, pinstriped suit, checking his gold pocket watch.
Then he looked up at me and nodded.
That was it.
One of my friends wants to go to a haunted house and look around. To a cemetery or something.
Said friend doesn't know about me and zee dead. Not sure how to mention that little gem. I know she'd take it well, but I don't even know that it's necessary. I doubt I'd get anything anyways.
My sensors are usually muddled or off completely when other people are involved that aren't like me with what I can or can't do. When it's a public place or something, I grab energy and small personal things about people - if I'm there long enough and already in the 'right place' that day. But aside that, nothing else.
If it's at night, a greater chance of picking up something or someone else. Less energy roaming around period.
If I'm with someone, if I'm with them long enough then maybe something else. But not a guarantee. If they're into film and the business I am, usually more. Since my people are usually super alert then. And they've got some fiber wound around them, too.
But yeah... Not many of them that have passed recently (within the last 10 years) care too much about their own work.
That was interesting.
If I'm zoned out enough I can get random thoughts that kind of sound like my own. Comments about what I'm watching. From what they did to things about the people they were working with. Not too much else.
There's always been a second or two where I catch them watching it, too, tho.
Just a second or two.
Never had Marilyn join me, not that I remember in this moment anyways. She's super personal. Super, super personal. If she was alive, she'd be that friend who calls every day and sends 10 texts for the 1 text she sent and you didn't answer in an instant.
Super giving and kind, but needy and personal.
I've decided that if I can A) get access somehow to the house she died in, and B) can get a medium friend who works out in LA to come with me - I will go. But I don't want to go alone.
I'm a little nervous, and I've never dealt with that level of what would be waiting there for me. I'm sure.
It's not bad - would just be an overload and kind of alarming for me, I think.
Jack Benny is supposed to be helping me, too. Never actually seen seen him, tho.
So is Christopher Reeves. I've been told. Never seen or met him anywhere at all.
He gave good advice. Just never formally met him.
I don't think Lucy is fond of the attitude he had at one point. That's all the logic I can gather from that.
Alfie - oh he loves his shit. He's insanely silent and distant, but he watches. Again, Lucy won't let him around and I'm thankful for that - but he's around. In the way, way back of my mind I can feel the room change.
I always have Lucy come be a barrier if that happens, tho. She's a spirit no one - not a single other spirit - will dare fuck with.
She caves for Desi, and completely respects my guides from my personal life (deceased relatives or friends), but other than that - stone. Her rules, and you better follow them. Any industry spirits that want to come in go thru her.
But yeah... She loves her stuff.
She moved my lamp and some books before to free up a book about her that her friend Lee wrote about their friendship. That was awhile ago and I still haven't re-read it.
I know there's a reason. Yes, I'm still sitting on it. Probably just to re-link us. It's been awhile since its been super clear and super back and forth with us. My fault, I know. I already know.
I've still gatta get up to her grave.
There's a tour she's gatta take me on, and in the summers there's more people up there than usual. I'd rather not do whatever will be done with dozens and dozens of people. Yes, all celebrating her but - people. Too many for me to even get anything.
Or maybe that would be even funnier if I'm in the right space. That could be interesting - I don't know.
It's only, like, 6 hours from me. That's nothing.
Maybe with all the people it would be better. I can kind of be hidden by everyone and move about stealth-like. Go where she wants and not be asked questions. Or whatever happens.
It's crazy but let me tell you... Kind of awesome.
Everyone can do it. Pick a dead relative or someone in spirit and talk to them. Even better, someone in your line of work who passed. Ask the Angels to protect you and invite them into your dreams - that's always easiest at first. Then ask for signs and help or whatever.
Can't force them to come in, but eventually someone will.
They're just as excited about us recognizing them and actually acknowledging their presence as we are about the notion of getting to connect with them.
Kind of like a, "Finally! Someone can see me!" thing.
Well, off to bed I go. My Luna-Belle is insisting.