Saturday, June 27, 2015

"He looks like..."

Today, I realized that when someone says something like, "He looks like a creep"...

9 times out of 10, they're usually right.


Because what they're saying is, "He looks..."

What they really mean is, "I feel..."

As long as you know it's not some judgement based off a comment, clothing, or something else - it's usually a lightning fast recognition by your intuition.

It's something behind their eyes.

Something about the way they're looking around.

Something about the things they said and how it's registering in your gut (intuition).

It's the high sign.

It's truth. Energy. And you're reading it.

& most people don't even know it.

I've watched so much stuff where they are talking about if someone is guilty or not, and they just look (feel) like they would be.

They usually always are. 98% of the time.

Certain people just look like psychos. Certain people just look like pedophiles. Certain people just look like they're sad. 

So forth. 

For me, that's reading energy. That's just always been how I've operated, with everyone. But it's developed, into more astute and detailed 'feels' about whoever. I didn't realize it was as simple as 'looks like' until yesterday.

There was a program on my Mom was watching, and I walked by. It just started, and it was one of those true crime shows.

They had some photos of people and were like... "But which one committed the murder? That's what cops..."

and I saw the guy instantly. Bam. Just, everything screamed 'guilty'. Everything. In his face, his shoulders, his arms, his eyes, his nose, everything. 

My Mom says, "Oh come on April."


"How do you know that?"

I tried to get past an energetic explanation. Couldn't, so I just said, "Look at him! He looks like a murderer." 

I stopped.

Oh my god... It's that simple.

And so many people do that without realizing what they're doing. 

Reading energy, and tons of other stuff. 

I mean, to keep it real, there's a reason why people say, "...looks like a murder..." 

Obviously, there's something in the look of all of them. 

Ponder that. 

It's something about the feel of all of them. 

We just verbalize it in a way most people try and get socially correct about.

No, fuck that, I don't give a shit. I know my shit, I know when I'm uneasy for no reason. I know my gut and I know my intuition is never wrong. I know when I feel something off, or when it all comes down to, "they look crazy". I'll stay the fuck away, regardless. Thank you very fucking much.

I mean, it's micro-expressions and just ingrained visceral stuff. 

In a positive way...

Certain people feel warm and kind. Certain people feel safe. Certain people feel friendly, and compassionate. 

That's more acceptable to say 'feel'. 

Interesting there, huh? 

Men have an easier time with truths like that. Saying, "No, they look like a fucking serial killer." They can socially get away with that. They're dudes. 

Same reason that stuff makes men a 'boss', a 'hustler', a 'man' - and makes women 'fucking bitch'es. 

Women can't even go somewhere with a straight face without someone commanding them to smile. Not to mention we're always told to be nice and kind and polite, regardless. 

And that has been documented and spoken about in thousands of places as being the reason some women disregard their intuitions and fight with them, then end up fucking assaulted. 


So - what does someone look like to you?

Really. Look at someone. Judge. Fuck society - judge the fuck out of someone. Look at them, or a photo, and honestly connect with your soul and make a judgement in your head.

It's probably not a judgement. 

It's probably an accurate energetic reading. 

Practice. Ask a friend to bring one of their good friends to dinner.

Ask to be told nothing about this person - and when you first see them, try and make a deep 'judgement' right away. Deep. Try.

Then wait, analyze. 'Judge'. 

Now 'judge' isn't in a negative connotation - don't try and find shit wrong with them.

Judge as in, read. Guess. Guess them. Guess what they're about, what's up with them. 

Anxious? Crazy? Loving? Mean? Sad? 

Then wait, and maybe ask your friend later. 

You can use words like, "They seem like they're sad a lot..."

And wait.

We're you right? 

It's a muscle. It's intuition, and your gut.

It'll get stronger. 

When you begin to realize that you're usually right... Realize, you were never wrong. 

Intuition. ALWAYS, ALWAYS follow it.

Don't be afraid of offending people, or seeming socially taboo. Especially if it's a potential danger. 

Stay safe, learn about yourself and your natural gifts.

You got this. 


Thursday, June 25, 2015

Summer in Michigan.

For someone who is a self proclaimed hater of camping and so forth...

...I'm a liar.

I don't like camping in the traditional sense. One tent, a hole in the ground, no lights and nothing - no.

But -

...I love nature.

Trees. Grass. Ponds. 

I love nature walks. I love just sitting outside, particularly at dusk or at night, and just listening to the world.

In the grass, looking at the trees and the lake and whatever else.

The most peaceful time, for me personally, is at night. Sitting outside, in the grass, even in my backyard, and looking up at the moon. 

Or out at the pier, watching the water. 

So peaceful.

It reminds me the world is in control. Not me. 

That this is a beautiful place to live in.

I love the smell of the summer air at night.

I do love campfires, and I could get down on some camping IF it's in a beautiful cabin or there's some wonderful setup like the beautiful Mindie Adamos and her husband do. They camp at an expert level. I could totally do that.

I love walking in the woods. I spent almost every summer at my aunts up north in the woods, on acres and acres of property. 

I love being away from the city and being able to have land and forest and trails and stuff all around me. I love it.

I'm just scared of bugs, and hate being ate alive by mosquitoes. 

Hate it.

Kyle's Mom has a trailer up north on some property. We may go this summer... I'll ask her. I'm feeling it. 

I'll even record it. Because it's funny. At least I'm funny, anyways. Because I hate bugs and stuff. But Emily (who is the most beautiful talented girl, Kyle's sister, who is like a sister to me so I often call her 'sissy') and Mom (Debbie, Kyle's mom, who is like a Mom to me so yall should know I call her Mom) are epic and hilarious.

Their banter alone is worth recording it. 

But I do. I love being outside. Especially at night. 

Listen to crickets chirping, feel the breeze, smell the air, take a walk. Roast marshmallows, whatever. 

I would actually love to find a super cute cabin retreat thing and go for a weekend or something. 

I'd like to go boating, too, but... Don't know anyone with a boat. 

Any of yall wanna come?

My cousin and I are trying to talk folks into getting a house up north and going. My aunt has since had to downsize and sell the property she had up there. 

Summertime in Michigan.. I can promise you... There's nothing else like it. 


Thursday, June 18, 2015


I'm super, super proud of myself.

One thing I have been trying to work on is keeping my mouth shut. I have an inability to watch fuckery go on, and not say something.

How people just stand around and don't call a thing what it is. Don't stand up for themselves or other people. 

I've been told I should someday do stand up, and yes I do enjoy the comedy in a good curse-out... Or even re-telling a story about an idiot who may have been an idiot to a barista at Starbucks - or the idiot who was screaming at me, unjustly, in traffic on a bike in CA - and I cursed him out nice and good. 

Like, who does that?

I've always felt proud of the fact that whoever acts like an ass to or around me won't ever act like an ass ever again. Guaranteed. 

Today, on my travels, I've had to bite my tongue and walk away from 2 people that just needed to be checked. I just couldn't stand their stupidness. 


...I've been trying to keep my mouth shut. 

This has summed it up:

Yep. Pretty much. 

I have to repeat, "That's not spiritual, April... Let Karma handle it..."

But then I'm like, "But, I could be Karma. I can instantly check their shitty behavior."


I know I'll for sure need to end up with a man that calms me. I'll surely ignite his wild side (safely, in a sober environment) & he'll keep me relaxed and calm.

When Jared and Kyle were alive, they did that for me.

I can't count how many times, ESPECIALLY in high school - oh boy, it was really bad in high school - that Kyle would grab my shirt or my purse or my backpack and just begin to drag me down the hallway saying, "Let it go, April. Let it go. Let it go, April. Breathe. Let it go. Drop it. It's not worth it."

Then to on set, where I met Jared & so much was going wrong. We were not only being wronged, but shit just blew up left and right. Regardless how he tried to put out fires, it did no good.

So many times I would go to storm over to the director, and Jared would catch me around the waist real quick and do the same thing. Pull me away, "Let it go, April. It's not worth it."

But what I loved is that when I took another second to analyze if it was, in fact, worth it or not - if I decided it was, and I wanted to go confront whoever/whatever, they would stand silently and supportively beside me. 

Regardless how wrong I may have been in that given moment, especially in school, I got support. And protection. 

They would never fight anyone just to do it, or even to defend themselves. But if it was for me? They'd never let a man step to me without stepping in before I could. 

I miss them so much. They were the last of a dying breed. Literally. Sadly. 


Been trying to keep my mouth shut. Just, let it go. Let Karma work in my place. 

Takes longer but yeah. 

Unless I see someone being hurt or something. Bullied, whatever. That's where all bets are off. 

Then again, we all should remember that the 'bully' may in fact be the person who was bullied that is finally standing up for themselves in an amazing way.

Hmmmm. Keep that in mind and ask questions first! You never know. Because I looked like a bully for a long time, but in all reality the bitch was just manipulative and secretive about her fucked up shit, and I refused to stand for it.

She was the bitch who would bully me on the down low, then when I retaliated and sat with her in the office, she would stick her tongue out at me and flip me off as I was being suspended.


Fuck that bitch.

Watch out for those motherfuckers, too.

We all know people talk. Words are just words. Most people scream and curse or say shit they don't really mean to vent whatever they're really feeling. 

I can't count how many times I've said things I don't mean just because I was angry. Or felt wronged, so forth.

Hey, I'm only human too. 

Trying to curb that stuff too. 

But yeah...


Understand that some people just don't understand. 

That's really the foundation.

Send those positive vibes, and move forward. 

Meditate. Relax.

That's what I'm going to do!


Monday, June 15, 2015


Is it possible for a song to explain someone's personality?

If it is, I just found one for me.

Just... Yes. Rounds and rounds of endless applause.

In the words of my friend Douggie:
"Yaaaasssssssss, bitch. Yaaaassss!"

In Da Mood - Combustibles


Sunday, June 14, 2015

Suicide: Some lessons...

I'm not sure if it's the constant cloudy/rainy weather, a spike in 'paranormal activity', or a new and random increase in Jared/Kyle/suicide related questions that has sparked this... But I've been thinking about/analyzing how the suicide of my very best friend in this whole world - then the suicide of the next person closest to me - has impacted me and who I am.

I've realized the following...

1) I've grown 'harder'. More tough, more quiet (personally). More rough than I had ever been. Like... I'd rather listen to some hard core, violent rap music than some emotional, beautiful piece of music. I've always liked the rap stuff, just lots of new additional reasons. Hard core violence means nothing. Just beats and cool sounds. Emotional, beautiful, meaningful music? Sensory overload. Too many memories, and not to mention Kyle and Jared loved that beautiful/classical type shit. For the most part, they hated rap and that random vulgar/violence. Perfect. Distance myself. "How does this make you feel?" / "Go fuck yourself. How's that?" Kyle and Jared are the only people I talked about that stuff with. Take a hike, asshat. 

2) I've gotten more carefree. Nothing like seeing two of your closest friends in caskets to show you that life is temporary and to just go for it while you can. Because you/them/it might not have a tomorrow... And that shit can come as a surprise. 

3) I'm way less forgiving. I forgive, but I no longer allow whatever/whoever it was in my life. Fuck you, you know what you did, I ain't got time for that.

4) I'm totally independent. I no longer chase the 'studio/worldwide acclaim' with my career. If anything showed me that kids with no opportunities were literally being crushed inside... It was their suicides. Had they been seen, acknowledged, given a chance... They may have had a reason to go on.

5) I don't let people in. Yeah, I talk to people and am a somewhat 'social butterfly', but it's surface. The only two people, including everyone I know now, who knew me 1,000% was Kyle and Jared. That's it. 

6) I have fears and phobias I haven't had before. I've spoken about it before, but... Jared jumped from the 9th/10th floor of a hotel. I've tried to overcome this heights issue, but I can officially kiss any balcony relaxation time goodbye. Forever. It makes me sick, and induces a panic attack to such an extreme that it makes me fear for my sanity. Only amplified by the glorious visuals that I have of a broken, bruised, & literally glued back together Jared in his casket. 

7) Pain. Random pain. Like how sometimes if you, say, have a bad ankle... You may step on it wrong and it just hurts and shit for awhile? Yeah. That, only in my soul. So much worse and more profound than any depression related pain. This pain makes chronic, horrifying episodes of depression look like sissy baby shit. 

8) Death barely phases me anymore. Fucked up, isn't it? Someone dies... Eh. That's sad. I'm sorry. But - move along. I've already had the worst of the worst in my life story. Twice. Natural deaths and accidents seem like a "it's your time" and "that's horrible but God obviously called you home" type thing compared to the shocking reality of a tragic suicide. 

9) I have no limits or 'boundaries' discussing suicide/depression/issues with anyone else. It makes me angry, irritates me, and I say things I'm sure every bullshit handout would tell you not to say. Oh, I'm sorry, who wrote this? So you just read a bunch of shit in a book and got some paper degree, not experienced real life shit? Okay. So have you damn near overdosed in your bathroom, battled your way out of that suicidal slump, then had to bury two of your fucking friends? No? Watched their parents, basically your fucking parents, have their whole lives destroyed? Been in the middle of that? No? Shut the fuck up. You don't know shit. Troop those kids thru a god damn funeral home, have one of their friends or family members laying in a casket and stage a fake funeral from  suicide. Bitches will wake the fuck up then, guaranteed. Guaran-fucking-teed. 

10) I go 0-100 when something is questionable. Regardless the person, or tone of events. If it's in any way a serious or questionably serious situation/comment/action? 0-100. Real. Quick. I hesitated on Kyle, and I second guessed Jared. I wasn't wrong. I. Was. Not. Wrong. My gut knew, and my head explained it away. I will never, ever, let that happen again. With anybody. Hate me forever, but I will chain you to a basement or send the ambo to your house. Don't test me. 

11) I have two extremes: an optimistic, uplifted view on life - or - a dark, Lonley, 'they left me and I'm alone' view on life. It's one or the other. Between? Just existing. 

12) I have an anger, a rage, at Jared and Kyle, deeper than I knew my anger or rage could go. It's not homicidal, but it's dark and full of violent, vulgar screaming and crying. It's a love/hate that I didn't even think was real. To love someone with all your heart, but hate them just as consumingly. 

13) I live with a completely unreasonable hope. That one day, there is a sliver of a chance that I will see Kyle walk around some corner, laughing and thinking this was hilarious. Like the best practical joke ever. Unreasonable, but... Still. It's there. Jared too.

14) Any time I hear the name 'Kyle' or 'Jared', my heart drops into my stomach. 

15) Self injury, my personal battle with it, feels useless and pointless to even worry about compared to suicide. I have to battle, "What's a scab and a scar compared to suicide?" every time I slip and have a hard day/time. 

16) I will never, ever kill myself. Before Kyle's suicide, that wasn't guaranteed. It is now. That's off the table forever. Suicide feels like... The stupidest thing ever, when it was once a peaceful solution. Fucking ridiculous now. Ridiculous. Backwards. Ignorant. Stupid. 

17) I am unable to rationalize most things with depressed people these days. Increasingly, it's more difficult and patience is fleeting. If they're really wanting help and work hard at it, easy. But convincing someone to live? No patience. Here's a hotline or a website. I can't anymore. It feels like the same dead ended conversation I had with especially Kyle every time. Every single time, & I can't. Which always ended in an argument. "You don't get it, April, and you never will." / "Yes I do, Kyle! I've been where you are!" / "No you haven't!" / "Yes I have!" / "You don't understand." - No patience. I can't. 

18) I accept that death is a guarantee. You can't be with someone 24/7, and regardless what you say - you can't be there every second. If they want to kill themselves, they will. Regardless what you've said or done or how many therapists and so forth. It's just how it is. If it's not by suicide... Then they will die, eventually, some other way. It's just how it is. 

19) I don't really know anything. I thought I did, because they did. They did, no bullshit. Their knowledge, especially in film and everything involving film, would make an academy award winner look like a jackass. They just felt so ignored, unimportant and 'less than' that it colored everything they did or tried to do. Had I knew then what I know now... We would have already been somewhere. They were the other pieces to this puzzle that I need, and they're gone. 

20) I have never, in my life, felt more alone. In absolutely everything. Life, work... Especially work, film. Never been more alone than I am now. Ever. Period. 

21) I say everything I want to say. I do everything I want/can do. I reach out, it's whatever. Who cares? I refuse to live with any 'would have/should have/could have's. 

22) I never really knew what 'missing someone' meant until now. And it's an every day, every second thing. 

23) Probably the most useful thing is my new level of endurance. That I found a part of myself that can withstand basically anything. No rejection, harsh words, criticism, fights... Nothing, nothing can bother me. Nothing's as serious. Nothing's as big of a deal, or emotionst scarring. Not a damn thing. I now know I can handle more than I ever thought I could. I would say the closest comparison physically would be someone driving a metal stake thru your stomach... Twice. So, handling that? Yeah, it's safe to say I'm straight on pretty much everything else life could throw my way. 

24) I have a different view of masculinity, and what it means to 'be a man'. Most importantly, how that saying is bullshit. Kyle and Jared both were the exact opposite of the 'mans man'. They wrote stories and poetry, read deep and insightful books, discussed deep things like the meaning of life and so on. Favored star gazing and insightful documentaries or TV specials over bars and strip clubs or sporting events. Preferred being around women over men. They respected woman, all women, at the highest level and were always self proclaimed feminists - before I even knew what it really was all about. Because of the above, they had their sexuality questioned and both briefly questioned it themselves. They weren't the 'type of man' accepted by society, no thanks to the media. Because they were emotional and sensitive, they were automatically 'gay'. Because they didn't collect women's numbers and have a string of guy friends or one night stands, they were definitely 'gay' and didn't fit in with any group of men, really. They weren't even fighting type people - I usually did all the fighting for them. On their behalf. 

Of all the people I know - both suicides in my life were men. Women, it's cool for us to be emotional. Hell, to snuggle with our friends and love on them. To be allowed to be a full human being. Men? Not so much. Sure, women are sexually exploited and objectified, which is why we're socially allowed to be gay and straight in the same year if we choose with no questions, because for us it truly is just about who we love... But men? No. One or the other, that's it. The majority do the objectifying, but the ones who don't - suffer the consequences from their peers. Either you smash beers and have meaningless, degrading sex with any women you can find - or you hang out with women, enjoy art shows and, they will say, suck dicks. That's not fair, and it's bullshit. They suffered most of that 'pick a side' type bullshit themselves. Hence, usual isolation.

In a society that degrades a man for respecting women, being committed and openly emotional... They were the all those things, unashamed. God bless them for it, because now I know how any man should treat me and speak to me. 

They were two of the good ones. Human beings, men, workers... All around. They were the good ones. 

& the world lost them. 


Fuck, man. 


Whatever. It is what it is.

I love/hate those brilliant/stupid motherfuckers so much...

It's like carrying all this emotional/mental/physical baggage that you just can't put down. 

Ugh. I hate it. 

Oh well,

It is what it is. 



Sunday, June 7, 2015

Hollywood's Dirty Secret

I got stuck in the YouTube black hole again, lol. 

Trailing off the trailer for "the documentary Hollywood doesn't want you to see", 'An Open Secret' - one video after another after a suggestion after blah blah...

...I found this.

Let me say, I personally - obviously - have never personally been a part of anything that this guy is talking about. 


I have walked away from many, many auditions where I've been asked to strip or do this or that. I have turned down auditions and meetings with producers and studio types who wanted naked photos instead of headshots. I could go on. 

I have also never, and I repeat NEVER attended any 'real industry parties'. 

Dinners in public places with groups of well know business types? Yes. Things of that nature. 

I have seen women and men alike - mainly women, from my personal experience - broken and utterly hopeless that have been on the 'come up'.

All I'm saying is... It makes complete sense. 

From the place I once stood, standing on the outskirts... The hints and tip-offs I did see/experience... Let's just say I walked away before I could ever experience any of it. 

I was never willing to do any questionable shit in auditions, attend questionable parties with questionable people, and surely read all the fine print... And never signed on the dotted lines. 

I've heard stories from other people. Men, women, parents of children who left Hollywood also... All seems pretty similar. 

When I would question the small handful of studio execs that I did know, who are on good terms with (who aren't directors or casting people or studio owners but work for other departments), about why they were so good and kind to me in a town that wasn't, I was told two things consistently:

1) You remind me of my daughter(s).
(All of them are old enough to be my father, and have daughters my age.)

2) You can't trust just anybody. Call me first. 

Nothing beyond that. Regardless the questions on my part. 

There have been a couple people I've wanted to meet that I know they know, and haven't been told solid answers as to why they wouldn't let me meet them, but I was talked around. Completely around, before they said, "You can't."

"Why not?"

"You can't."


And again...

"You remind me of my daughter(s)." A pause. "You can't."

Then, onto a normal discussion like I never asked and it was never answered how it was. 

I was told by one man who was introduced to me by another publicity guy, "I'm glad you're not here alone."

It was a restaurant where several high profile people frequent.

"Why?" I laughed, "it's a restaurant."

"That never matters here, darling."

I could go on, but I won't.

Watch this video. 

Eye opening. Mind blowing. Fascinating... & if I dare say so, I think pretty accurate. 

'Hollywood Casting Couch'

The more you know... Right? 


Peace & Love, friends. 

Thursday, June 4, 2015

I am phenomenal.

I am phenomenal

With every ounce of my blood

With every breath in my lungs

Won't stop until I'm phe-no-menal...

I am phenomenal

However long that it takes

I'll go to whatever lengths

It's gonna make me a monster though...

I am phenomenal

But I would never say, ‘Oh, it’s impossible’

Cause I'm gonna be phenomenal!

Unstoppable, unpoppable thought bubbles
Untoppable thoughts, fuckin' juggernaut that'll
Stomp you in the verse, obstacles - I'm drawn to 'em
When the going got rough
Show ‘em what I done thought that was the worse, little sissy
Who the fuck taught you how to persevere?
There ain't no situation that you ever had to respond to that's adverse
The messiest thing you've ever gone through is your purse
Yeah, I don't try like Captain, I might as well
Hang it up like a shelf, gotta keep growin' with it, evolve
Cause you can keep throwin' shit at the wall
But you're gonna find that nothing's gonna stick until you apply yourself
Time to slip in that zone till' I find myself
Inside the realm where the unknown and boldly go
In the waters where nobody else has gone before
Or willing to go, uncharted, feeling is so
Bomb, I'm feelin' myself, I'm a giant
Sometimes I gotta remind myself that...

I am phenomenal!

With every ounce of my blood

With every breath in my lungs

Won't stop until I'm phe-no-menal...

I am phenomenal

However long that it takes

I'll go to whatever lengths

It's gonna make me a monster though...

I am phenomenal

But I would never say, ‘Oh, it’s impossible’

Cause I'm gonna be phenomenal!

Let me self-empower you
When you're down and they're tryin' to clown the fuck out of you
When you feel like you're runnin' out of fuel
I'll show you how to use doubt as fuel
Convert it to gunpowder too
Now what you do is put the match to the charcoal fluid
Put a spark to it like Martha Stewart barbecuing
Ah screw it, feel like you want to hit that wall then do it
Punch through it, just cock back, put your all into it
Now you gon' take that rage and make that what you raise
Never take back what you say
If you stay trapped in your brain, engage in this fueled cage match
Ready to scrap asap
Take your fists to his bones
Show Biggie who's smallest you're Christopher Wallace
Yeah I picture 'em all as plastic and foam
Lays flat, where you put your dinner plates at
And set it off like a placemat

(I am phenomenal)
And I want you to say that!!

I am phenomenal

With every ounce of my blood

With every breath in my lungs

Won't stop until I'm phe-no-menal...

I am phenomenal

However long that it takes

I'll go to whatever lengths

It's gonna make me a monster though...

I am phenomenal

But I would never say, ‘Oh, it’s impossible’

Cause I'm gonna be phenomenal!

Step into the unknown

And find yourself, your glory, free the ignoring person

Got a fuckin’ mouth with no shut-up valve
Can't even cut the power to it, when it's what allowed
Me to come up out from under the fuckin' ground
Cause I worked my butt off now
It's a subject I don't know how to shut up about
Cause I stuck it out
Like a motherfucking tongue to tie, I responded when I got shoved around
You're gonna have non-believers
But when you're beyond belief, you probably shouldn't wonder how
Get it how you live
But are you prepared to give more than you get?
And put in twice what you get back from this shit
Though what you sacrifice barely is half, never give
Rap is my shiv
But it's like my shield at the same time I wield, I'ma knife this will
Sometimes I feel just like B. Real from Cypress Hill
How I can just kill a cypher, survivor's guilt
I rhyme like life is still an uphill climb
Ready to face it, each challenge waitin'
Can taste it, it's salivation, I'm wagin' retaliation
Look what I have built, reputation is delegation
The only thing I'm capable of makin' is amazing
Only thing you're capable of makin' is a false statement
An accusation... I am legendary status, in fact
That is the only way you'll ever be able to say
Your legend is makin' an allegation
I write with the left, same hand I hold the mic with
As I fight to the death, 'til my last breath
Managed to prove who the best man is
Surveil it, all cards be the only ones left standing
In the end, but I ain't gonna be the only one with the advantage
Of knowing what it's like to be southpaw
Cause you can bet your ass you'll be left handed
Cause I am...

I am phenomenal

With every ounce of my blood

With every breath in my lungs

Won't stop until I'm phe-no-menal...

I am phenomenal

However long that it takes

I'll go to whatever lengths

It's gonna make me a monster though...

I am phenomenal

But I would never say, ‘Oh, it’s impossible’

Cause I'm gonna be phenomenal!

I am phenomenal.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Filming at a basketball court?

I have absolutely 0 comprehension of what my dream last night was supposed to mean.

BUT - what I do know - is when I get close to some big load of work, my guides start flooding in.

So, I went to sleep last night...

I was in a small basketball court looking thing. But it was like the bleachers were more like a soundstage setup, less like a game. Like, they were pulled all the way out toward the one wall.

Like a studio audience - only in a basketball court. 

Now that I think back, analyze, they always put you in a place your comfortable to send a message. The other option was the real studio - which is dark, cold, and concrete. 

I wouldn't have been comfortable there.

So, from a door, here comes cameras and crew and lights and so many people. 

They were setting up what looked like a TV show. A live TV show, for the folks (including myself) in the bleachers. 

If you were standing up lookin at this setup, from the bleachers, I was in the far right. Middle of the bleachers, but off to the far right. 

Suddenly, I see Lucy walk in.

She was older. 'Life with Lucy' age, and had on a blue sweatshirt. 

Let me google...


Same pants, same exact color sweatshirt but it didn't have the rings around the arms, and was a high neck one, not a V neck. 

She still had the white turtle neck on under it, but it was solid blue.

So Lucy walks in and between some camera and lighting guys. She crouches, low, and is trying to figure something out. I think camera movements. 

She lifts her hand and waves in my direction. I didn't know if she was specifically waving at me, or if there were several other people in this dream that were meant to see something. So, I kept quiet. 

She shook her head, frustrated. Standing, she said, "I need David. Somebody go get David."

The name might have been Kevin, too. Either David or Kevin. One or the other.

She kept holding up 2 fingers, and in my direction. Wasn't looking my way or concerned with me. Just randomly had 2 fingers up every so often.

I looked around and the audience was gone. It was an empty room besides me, and everyone down at center stage. 

I looked around again - everyone was back.

I was confused.

"I don't get it."

I looked around for someone around me I recognized. I only looked to my left and the side of my right, but I think Jonathan was hovering behind my right shoulder. Creepin' in my blind spot, haha.

No one answered me, and for some reason I had the feeling like I couldn't interrupt her. She's my friend, she knows me, but I felt out of place. Which I never usually do. 

Especially with her. Probably because she was all the way across the room. *shrug* I'm loud and tough and can hold my own or someone else's own, lol, but I'm a lover at heart. Doesn't matter who it is, when my people are around I just wanna love on them and snuggle. Haha.

Or fiercely protect them. Those are my polar opposite resting points.

Really, that's about it. Actually. Now that I think of it.

Love and snuggle on them, not care at all one way or the other - literally emotionless, or fight to the death for them. 

Not liking someone lands on 'emotionless', by the way. 

"Someone who did you way wrong was beat up!"



"Someone you care about was beat up!"


Point - not sure there was one. 

Guess I'll see what happens tonight. 

Basketball court, audience, Lucy... 

Fucking random. But I know it means something.

I did solve the case of "why do I taste stamps" today on my Facebook. That was extremely satisfying. 

Once I got past the "oh god am I having a stroke" mini panic. "Oh, wait, this is spirit doing weird spirit things." As usual.

& I've been attempting to work with this new director/writer who is doing his first feature and struggling with letting the crew do what the crew is there to do.

You know, relinquish necessary control so we can together edit the script for the intended target market audience, cut out the flabby parts and tighten that shit up. Along with trying to convince him that, yes, we can shoot this on the budget you have - IF you cut out some unnecessary things from the script that don't help you tell it anyways.

Basic. Just a first time jitters thing. Been fucked over in the past, by studios and other union/non Union cast/crew alike. Having a hard time with releasing some power on stuff with his name all over it. 

How does one convince a first time writer/director that it's impossible to do everything he needs to do AND finish location scouting/scheduling/budgeting/story boarding/production managing/fix story points (he is the only one who has edited his script thus far), etc?

Normal stuff. 

On the other hand, I've got the most awesome person I'm working with right now who has just shot me a to-do list with 9 projects. Including but not limited to features, shorts, series, etc?

God, I love indie film. Nothing else like it in the world. 

It's like a beautiful, artistic rebellion. 

"Oh... You say we can't? Haha - fuck you and your rules. We'll do it all ourselves for the ACTUAL love of the art and story and people."

Fuck yes. 

Every indie set, true indie not the "I have name actors and millions for a budget with marketing people and studio distro" horseshit 'indie's. No. REAL indie sets? This should be the theme song. Every day when everyone arrives to work, this should just start playing:

True indie film isn't the privileged 1% that makes up the studio/studio funded/studio back-invested/network TV people. No.

True indie is the streets of film. It's the grind and the hustle. The struggle and the overcoming obstacles every day with a team that truly lifts you up.

When the studios and distributors say, "Sorry, you need to do this-this-&-this to be on our level." Indie says, "Fuck that. Fuck them. Let's do this shit! Our way, our rules!"

(Should be a given that indie's should follow basic safety protocol and common sense should always apply. That girl who died on that indie set should have never died - there are idiots everywhere. Who the fuck shoots like that?! Who? An idiot, that's who. Idiots are on studio sets, & on indie sets, & in your favorite coffee shop. Just a fact of life. Common sense should still be a given, & I've ranted about that whole situation where that poor girl needlessly lost her life on that set with that stupid moronic director and his whole useless crew of weak, timid fucks who sat by and let him make those stupid decisions on my blog in another post somewhere before.) **

You know you're on an indie set when everyone comes together - actors, crew, producers, etc - to all, collectively, brainstorm a way to get something done for cheap or free that will look as good as if you've paid for it. 

It's when an actor says to a producer, "Oh, well my aunt owns a barn. I can see if we can shoot there?"

Or a boom op says, "I'll feed lines, don't worry about it. Someone grab me a script?"

Or a costume designer says, "Want help with those C-stands?"

It's not about money, or names, or fame, or specific job titles and restrictions. It's about the people, the story, and the ride. 

Love it. 


So, tonight... Dreamland. Wish me luck.