Thursday, July 30, 2015

Conversations with my Mom: OITNB

** My Mom is now completely obsessed with OITNB. It's both amusing and disturbing. **

<phone rings>

Me: Hey Mom.

Mom: April, guess what I just did?

Me: What?

Mom: I washed my pits, tits, & naughty bits!

<silence from me, while she laughs hysterically>

Me: ...well then...

Mom: Isn't that just clever?! Pits, tits, and naughty bits. I like that!

Me: Where are you?

Mom: At home.

Me: Good.

Mom: Why?

Me: I hope you wouldn't repeat that in public.

Mom: Why not? Am I not allowed to wash my pits, tits, and naughty bits? Is that something only you kids can say or something? 

Me: ...Wow...

<continued laughter from her>

Mom: I just called to tell you that. I have to let you go. I've gatta get back to the girls in the slammer.

Me: Oh, okay. Tell them I said 'Hi'.

Mom: I will!



Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Hello, Grim Reaper.

Someone please tell me what in the holy hell it means when you see this standing in the corner of your room?

I didn't even know a white version of the grim reaper existed. Seriously. I truly didn't.

And, of course, it happened some weird place between sleep and awake.

So, I was sleeping and I was having this dream with this house I have dreams of a lot (huge, tons of hidden rooms and shit) and then suddenly there was this desert area thing. And I watched me, crouched down, pouring water over the back of some blondes head...? 

We were both kneeling down, and I was trying to rinse something out/off of her head/hair.

There was some kind of pond in front of us I was getting the water from. But the rocks and sand and stuff around us was red. A burnt orange/red sand/rock. 

I couldn't see the blondes face, but I saw me. And I saw me look up, and look at me.


I'm back in my room. Still asleep, but in my room, out of my body. Which is weird, that's never happened to me before.

I was out of my body (completely awake but still asleep), laying down, and I looked over and saw this white hooded figure. 

Slowly, this figure raised a sickle. Over its head. Still not looking at me. Couldn't see any shadowed face or anything from the side profile I got of them.


I was completely frozen. In total, complete shock - fear - totally paralyzed. 

I kept trying to move but I couldn't, and I started screaming as loud as I could in my head for Archangel Michael. I was screaming so loud, and nothing was really happening.

Little by little I was able to move my limbs, and start opening my mouth to scream. So when I could open my mouth I started screaming at it to get out of my house, go away and never come back, asking Jonathan and Archangel Michael to come remove it. 

I was standing next to it after a second, and stayed right there. Didn't go closer to  the figure. Just stood there, screaming. Because I guess that's all the defense I had, and I remembered Chip Coffee saying, "You want them gone? You've got to SCREAM IT and you've got to MEAN IT" on 'Children of the Paranormal'. For the kids who have this and don't know what to do with it.

So, I was screaming it and I meant it!

Eventually, I just woke up. But I remembered it, and I woke up calm. Not in a paralyzed fear like when shadow man was stalking me from dream to life. So, either the Angels took care of it (which I know they did), or/& it didn't mean the bad thing I think it meant, and my fear 'of it' might have actually just been my fear of having a random ghost in my room. As usual. *shrug*

Now, I've been trying to Google/Bing/Yahoo! the shit out of what a grim reaper means. Not some random ass symbol dream shit like, "cracking eggs means you're expecting a pregnancy" no. Like stories, legends, crap like that.

Can't find anything. Anywhere. Just video game stuff that isn't helpful. 

Before I went to bed, I heard a woman talking to me. I caught one word that sounded like 'anthrax' but I'm sure it was something else. It was too quick and - as usual - when I started trying to pay attention, I lost it.

Maybe I should have made it a point to talk to the white grim reaper? Maybe if I see it again, I will. Now, I know. First meeting, down. Next time, it won't be as shocking. Or scary. I hope. 

Anybody out there knows what it means? 

I mean, another part of my dream was watching Ricky Gervais on the island across from me (all my house/desert stuff took place on an island, and there were individual islands - like the islands were the house/property and the river was the road. So weird) screaming at paparazzi and shooing them away. There were tons and tons of little kids on his island. I think the kids represented animals. 

Whatever, who knows. 


I know when it's random, and I know when it means something.

But, to be honest, it all means something. Even the random stuff. It's symbolism and trying to get something across this way or this way or that way or with this color or whatever. 

It's so interesting. 

My dreams are the shit, tho. 

I am one interesting ass person. 

Actress, producer, marketer, advertiser, I could be a publicist, sensitive, occasional medium-type tendencies, cat whisperer, spiritual gangster (namaste), & pretty much professional bad-ass. 

I'm the shit. 

Haha. All about that confidence baby!

So really, if anyone knows about this doozie of a visit, drop me an email at, please and thank you.


Friday, July 24, 2015


1. First thing you wash in the shower?

- Hair, usually.

2. Are you more of a coffee or alcohol drinker?

- Coffee. Don't drink alcohol anymore. 

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

- My kitty cat?! Yes please!

4. Do you plan outfits?

- haha! No. Not unless it's some event or something. 

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?

- Uhm... Content.

6. Whats the closest thing to you thats red?

- My mug-o-tea.

7. What would you do if you opened your door and saw a dead body?

- Probably just stand there, trying to think who it is - what happened and how it got there.

8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?

- Do you have an hour?

9. Three of your current feelings?

- Content, sleepy & snuggly.

10. What are you craving right now?

- Kitty snuggles, but I'm too comfortable to go find them.

11. Turn ons?

- Soft but confident intelligence.

12. Turn offs?

- over barring, often manipulative egos.

13. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?

- ...patch kids.

14. When was the last time you cried? Why?

- It's a couple blog posts back. Release? Maybe? Surrender? 

15. If you could be a superhero, who would you want to be?

- Cat woman. Because, hello, cats.

16. Did the one person who hurt you most in your life apologize?

- Yes, but it won't bring him back from the dead so...

17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?

- Both.

18. Favorite movie ever?

- It's a tie between 'Stage Door', 'Gone With The Wind', 'Winters Tale' & 'Girl, Interrupted'.

19. Do you like yourself?

- Yep.

20. Have you ever met a celebrity?

- Yep.

21. Could you handle being in the military?

- Nope.

22. What are you listening to right now?

- Silence.

23. How many countries have you visited?

- Mine.

24. Are your parents strict?

- No. 

25. Would you go sky diving?

- Fuck. No.

26. Would you go out to eat with a stranger?

- Sure! As long as they're nice and not creeptastic.

27. Whats on your mind right now?

- Marketing & SEO.

28. Is there anything you want to say to someone?

- Nope. I always say everything I have to say.

29. Have you ever been in a castle?

- No.

30. Do you rent movies often?

- No.

31. Whats your zodiac sign?

- Aquarius.

32. When was the last time you had sex?

- You're pretty fresh.

33. Name five facts about yourself.

- I'm loyal, a hard worker, a sensitive, a crazy animal lover & I'm scared of bugs.

34. Ever had a near death experience? If so, what happened?

- Died in a dream. It was really cool tho, it's on here somewhere. Look back.

35. Do you believe in karma or predestiny?

- Yep.

36. Brown or white eggs?

- ...Eggs?

37. Do you own something from Hot Topic?

- I did when I was in middle school, when it was still good.

38. Ever been on a train?

- No.

39. Ever been in love?

- No.

40. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you do it?

- Sure, but I need company. That company would be a professional psychic medium. And only one night. 

41. If you could trade places with any person living or dead, who would you trade places with?

- No one, honestly. Energy kind of gives you a small taste of other people's energy and feels anyways. I'm good being me. I like me. 

42. If you could shorten your life expectancy by 10 years to become more attractive, would you do it?

- Really? No.

43. Whom do you admire and why?

- Compassionate people who reach out, pay it forward, are present and kind and inclusive of others. 

44. What was your favorite bedtime story as a child?

- Don't remember.

45. You’re walking down the street, you come across a burning building. A woman says her baby is trapped inside, what would you do?

- Try and go get it.

46. If you could choose the future profession of your son or daughter, would you?

- No. It's not my life. 

47. What was your best experience on drugs or alcohol?

- ... It doesn't matter, because they all led to addiction. So, stay sober kids. 

48. What was your worst experience on drugs or alcohol?

- Becoming an addict. You don't even know, that shit slips up on you.

50. As your walking down the street you find a suitcase full of money sitting next to a parked car, would you take it?

- Assuming I've already opened this suitcase to see the money inside? I mean really no one would just lose a suitcase full of money, so in this fantasy situation I would assume the parked car is redundant and probably take the offering of the universe. Or, the person who left it intentionally.

51. If you found that a close friend has AIDS, would you still hang out with them?

- Of course.

52. In front of you are 10 pistols, 5 of which are loaded. If you survive you’d receive 100 million dollars. Would you be willing to place 1 to your head and pull the trigger?

- ...I'm sober now. So, no. 

53. How old were you when you lost your virginity?

- I beg your pardon?

54. Do you believe in ghosts, werewolves or vampires?

- Ghosts, yes.

55. If you could live forever, would you want to?

- No.

56. Which fictional movie character most resembles who you are?

- I have no idea.

57. If you could go back in time, which time period would you visit?

- the 50s.

58. If they were to televise a live execution, would you watch it?

- No.

59. If you could be the president of the USA, would you be willing to do it?

- Sure, why not. It's an experience right?

60. If you could choose the sex of your unborn child, would you want to?

- does already knowing make this question null and void? 

61. Would you rather live longer or be wealthy?

- there's so many questions around this. Like how many years off would there be? How wealthy is wealthy? Can I give it to charities and other people or do I have to keep it all...?


Sunday, July 19, 2015

Signs, & visiting.

So, I was in Rite Aid today... Out of absolutely nowhere, I hear a laugh unmistakably Lucy. 

I think, '...ok?...'

A second later, someone enters my isle on their cell phone. 

"Yeah, well... We had too much... Mexican water..." Person starts laughing.

Instantly, I see Lucy wink out of my minds eye and think of that episode of 'I Love Lucy' with Ann Southern, and they're stuck in a Mexican jail and get drunk off the 'Mexican water'.

(That full episode is here:
The part I'm talking about begins around 50:00? I remember when I first got the whole DVD set, I watched this episode - this part - over and over and over again to perfect 'drunk'. No one, except Foster Brooks, does drunk like they could do back then. Amazing.)

I don't get it, but, okay.

I open my Instagram right now, what's the first thing I see? 



A butt load of signs. 

Or - You could say one sign and several confirmations?

What does it mean?! 


I don't understand.

What are you trying to tell me?! Maybe just let me know she's still here, and she hasn't went anywhere. She does that sometimes.

I'm going to go on an expedition of sorts. See if there's something that I'm supposed to see.

Random, but here's Lucy on Dick Cavett's show. She was irritated the majority of the time. She did not, and still does not, like risqué questions and comments like he was making. So, I'm sure that was half of her irritation. 

Plus, it's so Lucy. When she wants to know, she wants to know. She'll call you out and so on. Not malicious, just real. & im super glad I only get the hot end of that stick when it's a dangerous situation. I remember the first time I went to Chicago for an audition, she was all over the place. The whole walk there (a block) she was, "walk by the buildings, not the street" - "wait, stop, the light isn't green" - "don't park there, no one can see you". Love her. Here's that interview with DC:

I've been thinking about a certain someone lately. If they're okay. 

I had seen a story that I felt very - upset - about, and wanted to do something. Wanted to help.

I couldn't go to this person and actually be physically present, not even if I tried, but I knew I had a good shot spiritually. In dreams.

& that's always the best part about spirit. It never matters who you are or what you do or your job title or anything. It's all about your soul. Your heart. Your spirit. And spirit can sense that instantly. So if your true intentions are pure, and of the highest forms of love and light, you're allowed 'in'. Because really, I don't give a shit if I'm seen - I just wanted to offer absolutely any help that I could. 

So, before I went to bed (quite some time ago now), I asked Archangel Michael and my guardian angel Jonathan if they could bring me to this person. If there was anything I could do to help, I wanted to help. 

Off to sleep I went.

I realized I was in a hospital room, and there was no one present but me - person in hospital bed - and the persons guardian spirit and Jonathan.

It was so cool. This person's guardian noticed us, and Jonathan stood in front of me as their guardian walked up to Jonathan in a very 'What are you doing here' fashion. 

Jonathan explained to this person's guardian that I was just wanting to help, and with their permission would like to help me help this person.

This person's guardian said, basically, there was nothing we could do but thanked us for the kind intentions. That this person already knew their decisions, and outcomes, and was learning lessons and realizing certain things that they weren't sure they wanted to come back from. And at this point, this person understood that if they did come back there would be a hellish battle ahead of them. Not just media and all that, but personally. Rehab in basically every form and fashion, and now the person kind of liked spirit so much they wanted to stay. 

There was someone I saw for a second with a baseball cap - I forgot the colors, I wrote it down somewhere before - holding this person's hand crying. 

This person's guardian walked back over to their bed, put their head on the person's head, and cried. 

The person's guardian let me come up to the other side of the bed, and stand there. Just watching them. Jonathan never moved, but I did. 

I asked, "Is there anything I can do? Anything?"

Their guardian shook their head, "No. It's up to <name> now. Thank you tho, sweetheart. That's very nice of you."

I remember knowing that the person who I had intended to help could hear me. Could hear and see it all. They knew I was there, and everyone was there. There was a sense of acknowledgement. And if this person ever did decide to come back, so to speak, they would remember it. 

Maybe not now, but then... They would have.

I woke up the other morning thinking about this person. First thought. And I googled it, since I haven't kept tabs, and it broke my heart.

I would rather never meet this person and have them live a full life, than to wind up meeting this person down the road in spirit.

But, part of me believes there's a higher order. As there always is. That deals more with the survivors than the injured/deceased. 

I would really like to tell this person's family about this, specifically one person that I know would 'get it'. But, I may never have that chance. I also know they, especially this one person, already had some experiences of their own.

Then, I remember walking back to Jonathan, this person's guardian saying goodbye, and I woke up.

I'm sad I couldn't actually reach that person. Give a pep talk, or offer inspiration or something. A reason to fight, or even try and imprint my name for support from a safe person if they remembered it when they 'came back'. 

Truthfully, I've never done that type of thing before and I certainly have no clue how to imprint anything. So I would have totally been winging it.

Maybe I'll try that again soon, if I have some more time to do it. See what happens, if I'm allowed back in. 


Just sharing things today.

Hope everyone is doing beautifully!


Saturday, July 18, 2015


I am not perfect.

By no means do I know it all, or have it all figured out.

But what I am, is sincere.

I will stand by your side, fight with you, and support you until I'm called home. 

I try to make a conscious effort to only move if it's in peace, love and positivity, and to only speak if it heals, is truthful, and is in peace, love and positivity. 

Everything I do in this world is with my passion to see others live a life they have only imagined. To help others rise above, move beyond, and soar.

I have loved and lost many. I never imagined I'd bury as many close, personal friends as I have.

I have worked my ass off, hoped, prayed, tried, brainstormed, networked and been met many times with failure. Just another lesson for me and my life. And another. And another. 

Each thing I have had to let go of has claw marks on it. Believe that.

One thing I will die having never said or lived was some reality that I didn't try. Absolutely everything I could.

I also have came to realize most people's hearts just aren't as big or full as mine. Just because I want to help other people doesn't mean other people want to help other people. 

They might help you in life, but never in business. Certainly not film. Not that I've really seen, in a big profound way. 

I've wondered what that says about those people. Only helping people when it feels like some charity case, not to really build someone's life up. Not really. Maybe for pretend, but not really. 

And in a group effort, that's a reality that knocks the wind out of me. Every time.

I have met few who have hearts and souls that shine and vibrate like mine. One that is left living. She knows who she is, and our friendship is proof enough that the universe isn't misguided. It knows what it's doing.

I don't know where my life is headed... And that's scary. I can't read minds, or force communication... And that's scary, too. Maybe it's the warped perception coming out of Hollywood, but it's hard to find people to work with that do, authentically, support you and have your back.

I say a lot that if someone gave me a book with the details to my life and what all happens, would I open it - I say, "yes". 

That's probably my problem.

To find comfort in the not knowing... The struggle.

To send my fears somewhere I can't always see. That regardless the transparency of the veil from our world to theirs for me, it still leaves me doubtful. Sad. Because it's not tangible. It's all feelings and senses and intuitive reasoning.

Which, honestly, most people don't even believe anyways. And I have to push even farther past a world that is all showy and paperwork heavy and proof-based to believe what I know beyond anything visual or tangible.

Trust your struggle.

I don't know where my life is headed, regardless how many directions I throw myself... And that's probably even a pessimistic thought, but, it's true.

But it's not too pessimistic because... I think I'm finally starting to grasp the concept of being at peace with that.

Starting to. Key word: Starting.

That doesn't have anything to do with youth, no. There are 50-60 year olds that still haven't figured that out, or are content with misery, or whatever. No. Beginning to find peace with peace-less situations isn't some badge with 'growing up' or 'moving on'.

It's surrender.

A byproduct of it, I suppose.

A positive, peaceful surrender.

Because I've seen extremely successful individuals that are living very convincingly positive and productive lives that are, at their core, lost and miserable. Wouldn't ever admit it, probably can't, but are. 

And that is something I never want to be. 

Successful, but secretly miserable.

I'm no longer mindlessly chasing some job or career with levels of anxiety and stress that no drug on the planet could suppress. 

I'm not (at the moment) doing 4,000 different pages of brainstorming in my head to work myself into (or out of) something. 

I'm not dealing with crippling fear and an 'impending doom' feeling because nothing is bouncing back to me, and nothing (in a networking way) is meeting me in the middle.

I just... Am.

Today, I got myself a coffee at my amazing Starbucks (that the beautiful girls there made special and unique just for me), went to the river, sat and cried.

It wasn't a cry as much as it was, I think, a release.

I have done absolutely all that I can do.

I have spun, reached, worked, fought, struggled, reasoned, networked, wrote, contacted, submitted, learned, researched, analyzed, brainstormed... everything - as hard and as well as I possibly can. Several dozens of times.

I cried until I couldn't breathe, then I cried some more.

Until I released everything.

Everything I've ever done, tried to do, hoped and wished for. 

In a way mourning a life I'm not even sure is manifesting for me. Regardless how much I've done.

"When you've done all you can do, absolutely all you can do... Surrender. Because God, the universe, can dream a bigger dream for you than you ever could." - Oprah

I let it all go. Detached. For now, anyways.

I hope this sticks, because it feels pretty freeing.

I wiped away my tears when a small group of birds landed beside me. Closer than birds usually land.

A sign, I'm sure.

The world, my guides, Angels, saying, "That was step one. Good job. We're here. Stay positive."

Every time I feel something creeping up that feels like anxiety because I'm not doing anything, not making moves, I do my best to put that dangerous fire out right away. 

"Surrender. Let this go."

I keep telling myself that.

"Trust that the world will bring you to what (& who) needs to be brought to you."

So, I don't know exactly were my life is going. It's scary, I don't like letting this go, but I had to.

I knew when I had to fight off the urge to take a pit stop at the dollar store for razors to break apart and pull blades from that I had to let it all go somehow.

I have done all that I can do.

That's all I can do.

That's all anyone can ever do.

And how do I help anyone else find peace, truly, if I can't even find my own?

I can look super peaceful and convincing, but that would have been a lie. And the only people in this world that would have ever seen it or called me on it are dead. 

I couldn't carry the anxiety that wasn't leading my anywhere anymore. 

...I had done all that I can. In absolutely every way.

I'm not sure where this world is taking me, what it plans for me, or why this is all happening... But... I'm trusting it. 

I felt so free and calm after that good cry. Release. I felt like a space had been cleared out for miracles. 

I told the world that I'm ready for my life to begin, I'm ready for unexpected miracles and to help others however I can... And with what's in my heart, my dreams and passions... Well, I just trust that it'll all fit together.

I'm not sure what's going to happen for me, or how, but I have no choice but to believe it will be more amazing than anything I could have ever hoped or dreamed. 


Friday, July 17, 2015

Horror!!! (Tumblr Survey)

1) Favorite horror movie?
- I know who you are & I saw what you did. 

2) Scariest place to be outside at night where you live?
- Nowhere in my opinion. 

3) Any animal fears?
- Nope, just insects. Bugs. Ewe. 

4) When you were younger what were you afraid of?
- Uhm, nothing I can remember. 

5) When you were younger how did you cope with your fears?
- ...I have always been the thing the darkness fears, so... 

6) Is a basement or attic scarier to you?
- Attic. Bugs. 

7) Ever have recurring nightmares?
- No. 

8) Favorite old horror film?
- See first question. 

9) Are you comfortable being at home alone?
- I'm always home alone, lol. 

10) Has the fear of something ever kept you up all night?
- Just my life and any potential impending career doom. 

11) When you imagined monsters when you were younger what did they look like?
- Well, monster is a different term.. I'd say just misguided souls or manifested negativity. They look scary, wide black rootless grin and no eyes. Shadow people are huge enormous and black. More the feeling of fear than the shock of an image. 

12) Do you sleep with one foot out of the covers or both under?
- Depends how hot it is. Usually one. 

13) What is your natural response upon hearing a loud crash in your house?
- Grab a gun and go check it out. 

14) Have you ever played any horror games? (The Midnight Man, One Man Tag, Three Kings, Kokkuri-San)
- ...What are those?! Someone tell me! 

15) Top 5 scariest noises to hear when you’re alone?
- Uhm... I don't know honestly. 

16) Pick a horror movie and explain how you would survive.
- ...Uhm... I'm bad at this... I don't watch too many... As of late, Devil. & I'd survive because I'm a fucking saint, so... 

17) Do you have pre-planned hiding places in your house for scary situations?
- I have pre-planned attack strategies. 

18) Have your experienced any paranormal happenings?
- Yeeessss. 

19) Do you believe in ghosts?
- I don't believe, I know. 

20) Are there any spots in your house you are to afraid to be?
- Nope. 

21) Any recommendations for horror films?
- Old ones. They're the best. 

22) Do you prefer gore or thrillers?
- No. Gore doesn't take too much story, thrillers are all about the story. Love a good thriller. 

23) What did your parents tell you about monsters when you were young?
- That they didn't exist. Which was bullshit. 

24) Are you a fan of jump scares?
- No. Not at all. 

25) What is your go to for horror entertainment?
- I don't.

26) Do you believe aliens or other life forms exist?
- I don't know, honestly. 

27) Have you read Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark? If so what was your favorite or what was the scariest story?
- When I was younger I did. Don't remember them now. 

28) Have you ever been near a murder scene?
- Yes. 

29) Would you ever spend the night in an abandoned building?
- Fuck. No. 

30) Are you superstitious?
- No. 

31) Have you ever had a fortune told to you that came true?
- Yep. 

32) Do you sleep with your window open?
- Depends how I'm feeling that day. 

33) Have you ever trespassed onto private property late at night?
- Yes, in my youth. 

34) Would you ever stay overnight in a place that is said to be haunted?
- Depends the place. Spirits tend to have this, "Oh! She can see me/hear me!" Thing that I don't like to open a door to. Don't need to take any new friends home. 

35) Do you ever have dreams/nightmares that end up occurring in real life?
- yep.

36) Have you ever worked in a haunted house? If not have you wanted to?
- No, and I never would. 

37) Have you ever seen something super spooky and unexplainable?
- More often than I sometimes believe.

38) Scariest horror game you’ve played?
- I haven't! But I feel like I'm being challenged to now...

39) What do you do for Halloween?
- Love every second of it.

40) What were you on Halloween?
- A witch.

41) Ghosts or Ghouls?
- Ghosts.

42) Do you have any phobias?
- Not really. Do bugs and heights count?

43) While on the subject of phobias, do you have any things you want people to tag for safety?
- ...what?

44) Have you ever used a Ouija Board? If so did anything happen during your experience?
- Once. Learned really fast to stop that shit. They're all bad, people. Bad.

45) Favorite horror movie antagonist?
- ... Don't have one.

46) Favorite horror musical?
- Rocky Horror.

47) Zombie apocalypse weapon of choice?
- ...Prayer?

48) Have you ever read Goosebumps? 
- I did!

49) What would be your back story if you were the killer in a horror movie? Why are you killing people?
- If I told you, id be telling a pretty damn good movie idea I have so... 

50) Have you ever gone ghost hunting? 
- When I was younger, yes.


Thursday, July 16, 2015

Bullying (pt 2): cousin, TSoN +...

I had my 13 year old cousin tell me today about some douchebags at her school, and how they were attempting to bully her. Back when she was in school, anyways. And how it's carried over to their summer vacation. 

Key word: Attempted. Attempting. Because my cousin is a boss, and she doesn't stand for that shit. If you start something with my cousin, she will finish it. 

Every school now a days has some sort of anti-bullying movement. From some club, an assembly, class discussion - to some weird contract the students have to sign. 

Long story short - kids don't give a fuck. The majority of them, anyways. The bullies will usually laugh in the face of a teacher or assembly, and do it anyways.

Where the most good is done is at home. And that requires the parents to first accept their kid (the authentic bully) is an asshole. A little bully. And in my personal experience, and the experience of everyone I know who was bullied - that isn't usually the case.

Just look at the increse in drug use among middle school and high school kids. Hell, even elementary school. My cousin told me they brought in drug dogs and cops to their school, and caught a good handful of kids who were carrying and selling drugs.

13 years old.

So, we've got some blind ass parents.

And for a parent to accept their kid is a bully is next to impossible. Especially when said kid will usually go home, put on the waterworks, and say it's all because of someone else.

The schools don't do shit about it. Just look at the movie 'Bully'. They don't really do what's required, unless they see something. Which, is still a snowballs chance in hell they do anything. 

So, who does the responsibility fall on? The kids. Who aren't of a mental or emotional maturity level to understand half of these assemblies or contracts or movements. The things taught and explored. Even if they do in the moment, give it a month - it's gone. 

That's just reality. 

There's an episode of 'Midnight Snack' with Roseanne Barr and Jackie Beat where they talk about bullying, and how this whole anti-bullying movement is, depending how it's done and approached, in a way, keeping kids from the reality that is life. Period. They're emotionally and spiritually without any self-learned defenses against what they won't escape in day to day adult life, work, or so on.

The episode is here:

"We're raising kids who have no emotional immune system."

It's so true. It really is. 

That doesn't mean to stand by and let someone be bullied, or beat, or whatever... But that does mean to take responsibility - the adults, because as Iyanla Vanzant says, "If you have a problem child, you need to look in a mirror..." - and raise them better. 

Even when they get into censorship, so accurate. Jackie is on point. 

Anyways, watch it. 

I remember the biggest more horrific battle I had with a bully. It spanned from middle school to high school. She was a whiny, manipulative bitch who would sit in the office and cry and say how scared she was and afraid - but then, when no one is around, would slam into me in the hallways. Tell me how fat and ugly I was. How I should kill myself. Then, when I responded and cursed her out or whatever, she's with her parents in the office crying not knowing why I would ever do that. I was the bully. The tables she had turned.

And I wasn't ever about that shit. I was me, 24/7. I didn't do that shit. So when I was sitting in disbelief and getting angrier at her for not being honest, it really did look like I was the bully. 

Not only was I a target for her fuckery, she picked on my whole clique. People I knew getting suspended left and right for fighting her, and would you believe she told the principals and teachers I was sending all these people to beat her up? 

On a day I was suspended for not taking her shit, she wrote a note to herself and signed my name. Turned it into the office, and they called my house to report this horrifying note to my mother who said, "Really? That's funny, because my daughter is suspended today. I'm looking at her right now."

Even that wasn't brought back to this girl. Still, they ignored that shit and she kept on being a bully. 

One thing I will never understand is these kids now a days and how no one stands for anyone. I'm not trying to say my squad of 20 girls from middle school to high school had some superb emotional maturity. No. But, we didn't just fight (bully) random people.

There were fights inside the squad, for sure. Girls getting mad at other girls for whatever. But - the majority of what we did was standing up for each other. So, in a situation where I was being severly wronged every single day - and teachers and parents and higher ups did nothing... We did. 

So when my friends would independently go find her, corner her, and warn her to keep her name out of my mouth - she didn't stop. She just added more people to her list of people to fuck with. 

It was no longer just me she was whispering horrible shit to in class. Or shoulder checking in the hallways. Or sending fake emails to herself to turn into the school, or - yes - makin fake instant messenger conversations to turn in. It was all of us.

And we responded. We retaliated. 

Because if we had been meek, quiet people... People who didn't have a backbone and who didn't have support to stand up for themselves... We would have just constantly been bullied and made to feel inferior. But since we didn't sit down, and we stood in numbers... We looked like the bad guys.

Which is part of why that movie 'Sisterhood of Night' hit me so hard. I was that girl. I was. And I was picked on for absolutely no reason. I was played and manipulated. And when I took all I could take, we had taken all we could take, and we responded like angry, wronged teenage girls who were being played and lied about - I, we, were made to look like the bad guy(s).

We didn't just stand up for each other, tho - back to what I don't get about kids these days.

We had a wall of people who would effectively stop the real, authentic bullies in their tracks. 

We wouldn't let someone be bullied. No. We would stand beside that bullied person, scream - yell - shove the bully, and then warn them to leave that person alone. 

And they did. 

If we had to witness the person we tried to protect being bullied again - we met the bully in larger numbers, and made it clear to leave them alone. Last warning. Because it wasn't right. And their bullying days were done. 

I can't tell you why we did that... Surely there wasn't this anti-bullying thing like there is now. We just did. But, then again, back in that day the media was different, too. 

Even when we all had more of our tempers under wraps, I remember being a junior or senior in high school and walking freshman around. Even as a junior - there were some asshole seniors who liked to taunt and torment them. Not on my watch. 

Even someone in my group of friends I was arguing with that week or whatever, we would wordlessly unite to make sure this little kid cowering in the corner felt safe and didn't worry going to or from class or whatever.

We didn't have language to put with it. It was just something we all did for each other, and we did it for everyone's siblings. It extended to friends, and friends of friends who needed someone. So, we just did it. 

Even when I first got in high school, and that girl was still bullying me - I was a freshman and I met seniors - Jill and Lindsey - who saw what was happening, this girl following me to classes and taunting me outside in the hall. I couldn't fight back anymore because I had been suspended too many times as it was already just as a whole. Jill and Lindsey instantly jumped up and got in her face, shoving her around and telling her to leave me alone and never come back. If they see her again, it's over. 

I told them I couldn't stand up for myself, explained the situation, and they walked me to and from every class. Hoping they'd be witnesses for when we inevitably got in trouble again. But, no. Somehow, Jill and Lindsey both got suspended just as many times as I did. 

I'm so serious... It was unbelievable and total hell. Just utter insanity and craziness. 'Sisterhood of the Night', I'm telling you. Netflix it.

It wasn't until I was well into my senior year, and an assistant principal caught me physically defending a kid who had been constantly bullied was I pulled into his office and told, "You know, on behalf of this whole school - I owe you an apology." Because that one kid was never picked on ever again. 

And this guy finally saw that I wasn't what the other principals said I was. Some recklessly angry kid. No. I just stood up for myself, and others. As we all did.

And I think it says something for women. Because back then, the media wasn't like it is now. And we all stood for our sisters. Even if we didn't know each other, we stood for them. 

I can't tell you how many girls I saw being shoved around by their boyfriends that I defended. How many kids were gay, and I heard someone sling a slur their way that I made certain they never did that again. So on, so forth. 

I wasn't popular - but I wasn't bullied. And I had a lot of friends, just because people didn't want to be on the other side of our peer circle. 

I also can't count how many times people would approach the place we all hung out, and ask us to help them. Or walk them to class. Or whatever. 

We were like a band of rogue peace keepers. If you were kind and polite, so were we. If you were bat shit crazy, so were we. 

I heard a rapper say, I think DMX, "Now a days, you either get your ass beat - or you go to jail."

Isn't that the truth. 

These kids aren't trained assassins, and if they have no weapons - I don't see the problem. 

Like my Mom and Dad have always told me, "When I was in school, if someone got into a fight, the teachers stood by and watched. Making sure no one was really hurting anyone. Only jumping in if they absolutely had to."

Now? You either sit down, shut up, and let someone bully you (because the school isn't gonna do shit about it), or you stand up, fight back, and have the cops at your door the next day.

I was met by the police more times at school than I can count. There was a time I remember my Mom flipping the fuck out on the police, principals and counsellors. "KIDS CANT EVEN DEFEND THEMSELVES ANYMORE! YOU SET IT UP SO MY DAUGHTER EITHER CRIES HERSELF TO SLEEP OR GETS TAKEN AWAY IN HANDCUFFS! THERE IS NO HAPPY MEDIUM!"

There was only one time I can remember where the fight was very dangerous and scary. One of my friends who was a lead on the wrestling team and who told this kid to leave him and his friends alone for a long time - and the person didn't - and he couldn't take it anymore - beat this kid within an inch of a coma. True story. It was scary, and very very dangerous. 

One thing I realized, tho, is that when I defended a boy against other boys, I was never ever in trouble. That served me well for the defending of a hurting human, but the schools never believed a girl has served you up. And most of the asshole dudes who picked on the guys I defended were too embarrassed to report me.

And if they didn't listen to me, and it continued, I got one of my boys (or some of my boys) to come and help me defend you. 

Especially when your friend is the guy who beat this kid almost into a coma - when he comes around to stand up for someone who can't stand for themself... They stop. Instantly. 

And the boys I went to school with were more noble and good than these kids now a days. Never, ever did a boy I knew disrespect me. If they did, they weren't in my group and they got met with a very real ass whooping. 

Girls, we were different. We'd scream and yell at you a couple times, then if you touched us you'd get touched. The boys? No question. Blows in seconds. 

These kids now a days... Well, my 13 year old cousin is in a great place to handle the effects society and the media is having on her peers. She's emotionally mature well beyond her years, and I'm happy I am able to be there to talk to her when she needs it. 

I've been honest with her about my past. Not the drugs part, but the suspension and bullying part. She is really a mini-me, so I'm glad I can tell her rage down sometimes. 

But she has always said, "I don't want to hurt anybody. Ever. But if you touch me or someone I love - the game is over."

I have always told her to follow the appropriate steps first. Even just so she can say she did, and so she's protected and there's a paper trail of things she and her parents tried to do to stop it. 

Tell parents, then a teacher, then teachers. And if it still doesn't stop and someone dares put a hand on her? Well... Just don't hurt them intentionally. Defend yourself, but don't aim to destroy them. Don't let your already raging hormones drive you to the current punishment for juveniles fighting - a jail cell. 

Never any weapons. Ever. That's never okay. Of course that should go without saying. 

It's just crazy. I can't remember one kid who was ever cowering in a corner being brutally picked on that wasn't saved by someone. Or, someone who wasn't equally throwing it back at the person. 

My Grandpa was off the boat Italian, and in his broken English he told me the story of how the girl next door was picking on my mom. My mom had enough, and my Grandpa lifted my mom over the fence so my Mom could go handle the situation. When the fight was over, my Grandpa picked her up and went back inside. 

My Grandpa always told me, basically,! "Never fight just to fight. But if you need to defend yourself, or someone who needs defending... Be smart, be careful, but do what you've got to do."

One of the times I was suspended for that one girl being a manipulative bitch, my Grandpa came over and took me out to lunch. 

"You should never be put in a situation where fighting is the only defense you have. That's the schools fault, not yours."

True that. 

I'm happy that my cousin is safe. She's a boss. No one dare mess with her. And she's like we were, one of the only kids left that stands up for other kids when they need it. 

I'm sure the day will come where she's suspended for it, but to me - that just makes her a hero. 

Go watch 'Sisterhood of Night'. Really. Not only did Marilyn write a mind blowing, amazing script - but Caryn directed in such a superb way. Three cheers to everyone involved with that glorious project!

& that Roseanne clip is on point. Watch it again. Think about it. It's deep.

And if you watched the first one, you've gatta watch this first part of Roseanne and Jackie Beat. They talk about asshole actors who blew satan for awards, drag queens, 'sobers', and more. Hilarious, & real:

Love them. 

Might I add - it's absolutely horrible to move into an industry where standing up for other people and wrongs is frowned upon. 

Where even if you did stand up for someone, they'll probably yell at you because now they no longer have a job. Or how you can be met with legal action because how dare you said that, or get fired and all of the above. 

How people are more concerned with keeping it private and working than anyone is having anyone have their backs and being honest about it being bullying at its purest form - by people in power. 

That's what I've had the hardest time dealing with. Ever heard the 'Rap Superstar' song? Eminem & NORE's dialogue in it?

Here ya go. Listen to the whole thing:

The only way you'll survive is to find some people who don't give a fuck about the system. No violence or anything, but just willingness to stand up for you. To have your back. Because the last thing they want is power in numbers, so they keep everyone afraid and alone. 

To find someone who cares more about you than their job... Well, that's like finding a needle in a haystack in Hollyweird. 

But - you may think you've found a 'ride or die', then you realize now you're the only one out of a job and the other person didn't do shit to stand for themselves. They let you do it all. Now you're put out all by your damn self. Just like they hoped. 

This chorus really says it:

Or Em's chorus here:

& everyone should be lucky to have a friend like this:

"...Cuz you ain't never had a friend like me."

In a mature, spiritual way anyways. 

I'm done. Haha. 

But... It's whatever, right? Just do you, no matter what, and you'll be okay. 

April. Out.