Monday, August 31, 2015


Oh what a lovely day. 

It really was, a lovely day. 

Life has a purpose! Every part of it. 

But... I find people very... Interesting. 

Ladies, we all know what it means when some dude says something like, "So, the other day when I sent you that text, you took a couple days to answer. It kind of pissed me off."

<screech brakes>


1) Someone thinks you owe them things, like a text.
2) Someone is catching feelings. 
3) Someone doesn't grasp concepts such as 'I have a life' or 'Some people really don't keep their phone around all the time'.
4) All of the above. 


Energetically, there has been weird air surrounding said individual whose name I won't air here. And when asked if said individual was catching feelings, said individual said they had a crush on me for some time but was aware it wasn't going anywhere.

Here's what's troubling:

The no response pissed said person off.

Those were their words.

Uh... Sorry bout it, but we know that's some weird possessive shit. No one in my entire life says that, with anger behind it, without also feeling like they deserve that from you. Like, how dare you. Answer me. 

And a couple other red flag things were said that weren't seen by said individual as anything worthy of upset or concern on my part at all. Just things said individual thought are 'normal' and 'whatever'. 

Even more troubling. 

Then, said individual says, "Don't worry, I won't like stalk you or anything."

...who says that?

Really. Who?

Fucking weird.

And I know said individual reads my blog so - sorry, bro. It's fucking weird and creepy, and I told you so. 

It was whatever until after the initial conversation, and spirit just kept making me feel uneasy about it. I didn't like the lingering feeling, so I let said individual know we will be taking an indefinite break from our friendship. 

The only people, in my entire life, I have ever had say something like that and have that similar conversation with me regarding a missed text or call were:

1) Men who wanted to sleep with me, and got angry I was ignoring them/clearly didn't feel the same.
2) My Dad, concerned for my safety. 
3) Someone I'm working with, and there is a deadline on work. 
4) Men that somehow get my number and text me and when I don't answer, I get the text about how I'm a fucking bitch three days later. 

That. Is. It. 

So, I know what it is. Please believe I know what it is. Very clear. 

Hopefully I can keep enough peaceful distance and silence until this dude detaches any and all feelings that were once associated with me. 

I've never liked that, either. The second some dude thinks I even owe him something as small as a text that is not feeding me, fucking me, or financing me... Ghost. I get gone SUPER fast. 

Because it's weird, and alarming. And weird. 

Because those types of concerns only usually come from people who are either feeding you, fucking you, or financing you.

Or, people who want to.

*shrug* Sorry not sorry! 

And, everything aside, I think this is necessary for said individual. Dude has some issues going on in his life that he needs serious solitude to get on track. He needs to, in other words, figure his life out. And he knows it. 

...hopefully, I have made it crystal clear in the nicest way possible that it's never going to happen. Nothing will. So, I hope he loses that notion quick. 

And, just because I'm a 26 year old woman living my own life, and we know how the world is for us right now, my lawyers know about it and so does every cop I know. Including my neighbors. 

I am still an independent film actress and producer who knows to be safe. Safety first. 

Never know! You really never know. 

& I don't ever just take one step - I take 400. I don't think this person would ever hurt a fly, but - then again - upset because I didn't answer a text. So... Weird. 

Said individual kept saying, "Sorry, didn't mean to freak you out." 

I don't know how to relay to people that say stuff like that that they're just rationalizing a reaction for how it best suits them emotionally. 

I'm not freaked out, I'm just not stupid. It's weird, and it doesn't feel right. It's odd. Again, misplaced and ... Weird. 

& I don't stick around for weird. Weird is weird. I like normal, and peace. And quiet, and alone. 

I guess I can honestly say I'm like a man. 

I really am like a dude. I am way, way more male than female in these departments. 

I can't do emotions like that. I just can't.

I can't with someone who isn't feeding me, fucking me, or financing me. 

I would be glad to deal with all those things if I loved said dude and wanted to be with said dude. But... Not the case here. Just isn't. 

Like how some dudes, if a woman even blinks at them in a flirty way they're like, "Oh no!" And they dip out? I'm not that bad, but I'm close. 

I've been hanging out with my boys and had some girl send a questionably flirty text, and they freaked out and dropped her like a fly. Sad, especially since girls are back and forth with the blink of an eye sometimes in emotions. She probably didn't mean it. Or, if she did, wouldn't in a day.

But I know that dudes don't do that. And when they do, it's weird.

Jared got kind of the same way with me for awhile. Like, we're just friends bro - we're just friends. 

How do I live? 

If a guy says, "Hey, I like you."

I will say, "Sorry bro" if there's no way in Hell it'll ever happen - BUT - I will say, "Good. I like you, too" if I do.

I'm very forward. I may even say it first. 

Well, depending I suppose. 

But Jared got all weird on me, too. And I can't play that emotional bullshit. I just can't.

There were several times Jared was like, "Why didn't you call back" or "Why didn't you answer me" or "Why did you move? I'm bothering you? If I'm bothering you just say so" like WOAH WHAT THE FUCK?

Yeah. Can't do it.

It irritates me, and it's weird red flags. 

And I know it's a sign someone is taking something the wrong way, or communication isn't helping in killing someone's weird fantasy. 

I remember with Jared, random as shit one time he said, "So, I wonder when we'll have our first kiss."


What in the fuck?! Who the hell said anything about that?! We're not dating, we're not even kind of dating or seeing each other... What?! 

Mind completely blown.

He got all upset and weird and it made me feel weird and he kept over analyzing everything I said and thinking I meant 50 different things than I did... Fucking weird.

Weird. It's all weird.

I don't get humans. 

These emotion things... It's weird. 

& I'm not saying men can't have emotions. They most certainly can. Just... Can they be less weird in delivery and presentation?

& this, today, from someone I've never even met in person?


I trust the gut. And the energetic air feels better around it all just from taking a big break from things.

And, again, the world is multifaceted. The reasons for something are 30 fold. Always are.

I know that said dude needs to be separated from some people now. Needs time to really, I suppose, take some spiritual teachings of peace and harmony and self-love that only he can apply for himself, and do it. By himself, for himself. Without me present at all, in any way. 

When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.

When the lesson is over, the student needs to independently apply it. The teacher must leave. 

Kind of the same thing.

Kind of. 

He's got a lot of things to work on within himself. And, as everyone knows, no one gets anything truly and completely done in the way it's meant to be done with other people there that are crutches that they can excuse away somehow.

It's time for some independent time for said individual. He's got a great support system anyways, he's fine. 

No one should ever need anyone else, anyways. That is also weird. 

& since I'm sure said individual will read this: Don't look for something that isn't here, man. It's flat. It is what it is. No more, no less. Leave it at what it is. Do YOU. Take this as a sign from the world to work on yourself. For yourself, by yourself. Actually do stuff. Make all those goals and shit and do them. 

Don't over analyze. Don't pick apart. Don't look for a problem. There isn't one. Just do you. Make it positive, keep it peaceful. 

Actually, just genetically, for all... I need to focus on some other stuff, too. I really do. There was a slight commitment involved, and for now it's better to just keep it professional. I'm an independent individual, and I have some me-work I'd like to focus on anyways. 

I've been getting intuitive nudges to do more on my own business side, and I think it's time I do so! 

I love it! More time for work. I fucking love work. Career work, and self work. I fucking love it! 

See! Many beautiful reasons! 

With the supermoon the other night, it feels right. New stuff! Yahoo! 

I love it. 


To the additional readers,


Peace to everyone! 

Really. Peace. Let's all keep the fucking peace and go meditate and find zen, for the love of God. 

Saturday, August 29, 2015

It's been awhile.

I haven't written a blog in a hot second...

...hmm, what to say?

Well, there's a lot to say. What CAN I say is the issue. 

Wrapped filming on GAME, short independent film with It was amazing. Seriously, best experience I've ever had working. I had my own issues with myself that I had to push past - can't say too much, but the story relied so heavily on an emotion I don't think I possess that I really went super hard on myself.

I'm sure it'll be okay. 

And even if it's not? I had fun, and did the best I could!

Honestly, I'd really like to play a villain or some badass with a gun. That's hella fun, and there's a reason you see actors and actresses in the 'same type of films'. That's what they're best at!

I can do emotions like crying when it's some emotional scene I'm sure. But to be terrified? Hahaha. I am the thing the darkness fears.

I'm such a fighter... With life... It was really interesting for me. I feel better about it now, but I didn't before. 

What else?

I aim to work with inspirational, positive people. We all know this. I would honestly love to work with and learn from Rose McGowan. Happily, she followed me on Twitter and Instagram some time ago, and has since been liking and commenting here and there on random stuff of mine. She knows I exist! And isn't too put-off that I do, hence comments and likes. 

One day. 

It's all about working and learning with inspirational, passionate folks. Who can offer you more than just a lesson in your chosen career - but who you want to truly spend time with, because of the human being they are. 

Again, anyone who had any job other than film - this is easy. Ask to shadow someone, you can. Ask to learn, they'll show you. Film? Not so easy. 

Which, I'm with Joe from hitREcord - the boundaries are weird. Don't get it. I mean I do, I do - especially as a young woman who herself is trying to be in that crazy world. I've had to do my share of blocking and calling lawyers. Because of creepy dudes. So, I get it. 

But, the other part of me... Doesn't. 

I know it's because I know me, but just because I know me doesn't mean they do. 

Boss is still trying to get Wentworth Miller on his podcast. There's no way he couldn't have been seen. & I'm still trying to learn about 'Stoker', & now get him to do a short indie with SomethingCunning. Long shot, especially with actors who don't break 'rules' or go against any of their advisors (just guessing), but something is still bugging me to keep contacting him. Don't know why, but there's too many signs surrounding him (them really), & I have to go with the signs. 

That, and mentions of my guides and things relating to people in my life are all over that guys stuff. So... I don't know. 

It's the way of the world!

When the universe points, I follow. 

& it's not weird or creepy. Usually it's something as simple as, "Yeah, this is a good person to learn from. We approve." Or, "We see your efforts, and encourage you to continue." Just little spirit signs that they approve and it's okay. Because I know for sure if it was a bad person, I'd be getting entirely different signs. 

& their fans are pretty cool, so that's always fun. Chatting with folks. We know I love meeting new people. Even on the Internet! 

It is cool all the awesome people I have met on the Internet, tho. Really cool. Certainly not taking away from that. 

Saw some orbs the other night. Insanely light green. Pretty cool. Haven't seen those since my grandpa was dying. But they were more like blue sparkles then. 

Heard some woman talking in Spanish, and I got some dude yelling at me, "Hey! Its 3:45!" 

Got some Victorian woman vibes. No clue what corner of the otherside that came from, but in relation to an Instagram post. First gut feelings, I've been told (and am learning) are right when it comes to spirit. So, I threw it out. 

Thinking late 20s, early 30s. Really nice lady. And some older man, maybe a grandpa. But, that's all I got. And some random potentially negative floating energy that probably should be saged that just built up over time, but... I'm just saying. 

Tonight is a super moon. Can't see it from where I am, but maybe I'll do a moon ritual later. At least charge my crystals. I love the moon, tho. Night time as a whole. It's magical, & peaceful.

I mixed Taco Bell and M&M's like an idiot. My stomach hurts, & even tho I know I need to stop, I feel the Skittles becoming my next problem. 

I have an endless amount of behind the scenes footage I need to at least start editing together. Curt is taking care of the actual film, I'm the 'bonus footage' editor. 

Seriously, that's the best part about indie. I get to be an actress, a producer, UPM, general production assistant, and basically B-Roll editor. 

Love it. 

Oh, and marketing. Whenever I get the official green light to go with marketing. 

We're going to baby step our way up, as a whole company with everything, but it's exciting. Nothing better than getting to make dreams come true, and do what I love at the same time.

Well, that's all. 

I did a super Tarot reading for myself the other night with, literally, every deck I own. Pretty cool. I may play around with the Heavens Message cards tonight, but I feel like those are more for me to hell give messages to other people. So... I don't know. I've only used them twice for myself so far. Once was the big tarot for myself the other night.

I better go do this new mood ritual. Let go of the old, welcome in the new. 


Thursday, August 20, 2015

Kyle's Birthday Weekend

Sunday is Kyle's birthday.

He would have been 27 if the turd hadn't killed himself.

I'm still so mad at him. 

I posted the suicide note he left me. 

I don't know why, but I suddenly had this panic like, "If I ever lose it, I need it to be somewhere I can find it." And we all know when something is on the Internet, it's forever. 

The note seems pretty upsetting. Even Kyle's Mom was crying when she told me he left me one, saying, "April, I know Kyle didn't mean it like it sounds... I don't want it to hurt you..."

Pssh. Kyle and I have had fights more upsetting than that note. 

I wasn't upset by it at all. I'm still not, truly. I'm not. I have zero regrets. I said absolutely everything, EVERYTHING, I could have wanted to say (that I would be otherwise wishing I had given the suicide). I did everything I knew how to do. I spoke happiness and inspiration into that kid every day, all day, for years. 

Didn't help. 

Not to mention the therapy he was in, the meds he was on, the family of his that literally gave him everything he would ever want and would have wanted. He said the word, it was taken care of. In a very caring way, not a 'spoiled kid' way.

That, and he came right to me when I finally fell asleep right after he killed himself. So, there was our first argument about the whole situation.

I seen this black room, with this stereotypical white light shining at me. He was walking out of it, in the beam of light, right toward me. Wearing his hat and his leather jacket.

Our conversation went basically as follows:



He laughed. "Can you tell everybody that I did something cool, like shoot myself?"

I was dumbfounded. "...are you fucking KIDDING ME?! No. ABSOLUTELT NOT!"

He turned around, smiled, said he loved me and peaced out. 

Basically. I'm sure I wrote it down here before, those were the big talking/arguing points I remember. 

I had a dream not too long after where we were in this brilliant white room and he was sitting down at an equally white table, while I stood in front of him just fucking going crazy. Screaming, yelling, crying. Flipping the fuck out from a place of deep frustration and complete and total heartbreak. 

I know when anyone passes, there's a huge phase you have to go thru to like 'cleanse your soul'. They remove the ego, basically. The mind that says your better and all the nasty parts of the ego. Spirit probably used me and my already developing gifts to help him with that. And they knew I wouldn't fail them. Not that I was doing good either, but oh I sure let him know what the fuck I thought of what he did. You have a period, too, especially with suicides, where you have to see how people are handling it. All the aftermath. Kind of a 'see what you did' learning moment.

I remember I got the note, and I think I laughed. Typical Kyle. Fucking shattered your soul, you dramatic fuck. Come here right now, front and center my dear friend. Let's hash this shit out. Stat.

After the note, I got to have more talks with him in the dream land and some while I was awake. I got to talk to him through three actually professional mediums who could really navigate it all for and with me. We had a really rounded chat about it all. 

He was just super emotional, obviously, and didn't understand my side of it. Now, with his clear mind he can see it. He felt that way in the moment of course, but now he gets it all. From the higher place of spirit. 

I'm kind of proud. My best friend is a fucking enlightened spirit, man. A fucking lesson learning spirit that still chooses to follow my ass around and help me with my life. How fucking lucky am I? Pretty lucky. 

My best friend is a spirit. A spirit with no ties to a body or an identity, freedom to completely be. Ascending through the levels of the 'otherside' and still hanging out with me. Not bound by a choice he has no choice but to stick to, like an earthly one. He is making that choice as a spirit, when he doesn't have to at all. Not in the slightest.

Damn. Deep. 

But no, don't look for anything up there that makes suicide sound like a good option. You know when you kill yourself, you just end this life, right? You don't have a choice but to be reborn again, and come back again, because you didn't learn what you were meant to learn here. You didn't do what you were meant to do, at all. So, you just have to go through like the toughest spirit schooling imaginable and come back again. 

So, really, from a place of sheer reasoning... Just fucking stay here and figure your shit out and handle it and move on and move up so you can actually die on the timing of the universe and how it's meant to be. So you truly don't have to come back if you don't want to.

With suicide, you don't have a choice. You have to come back. And do it all again.

Kyle will be back. I was told that by every medium. And they all let me know, "He's going to find you. Again. So be ready."

I really don't know what I'm going to do. I've been told it's most likely going to be as a younger person (I'll probably be older) who is looking for help and advice in film. 

I'm ready and waiting. I won't miss you, Kyle. 'Ill see you. I'll notice you. I know I will. I promise you I will. 

...& to just, wow. That alone. Wow, right? That Kyle would make sure in his next life to STILL include me...? Wow. Humbling and mind blowing and heartwarming and so many things. 

I'll see you. I don't think it's possible for me to ever miss knowing when your soul is present. Especially when it's in a human body looking me in the face. 

But, yeah. Suicide sucks, man. Sucks. Really, from a place of analyzing... Even outside the socially acceptable reasons and common sense reasons and all that... Not fucking worth it. You float around for awhile, watch your family basically cave in on itself, watch terror happen because of your death, get scolded and have to be taught lessons and come rrriiiggghhhttt back. Take 2.

Just stay. Easier. 

Another thing that just makes me laugh... Hysterical laughter... Is the fact that he was so firm in his belief that dead people don't exist and nothing happens when you die and blah blah.

BAM! Now you're a ghost! 


Oh. Priceless. 

And you think because you're a ghost you escape my upset? JOKES! 

When your best friend who you've left living the rest of her human experience is sensitive in any way, and even occasional sees and talks to dead people... You know you haven't escaped the wrath. Not even in death. 

Rest in ZERO PEACE, MOTHERFUCKER! I have questions and you WILL provide answers!

This is just endlessly hilarious to me. I know his Mom at least would find this equally hilarious.

I can see it now.

Kyle, in the spirit world. Meeting all the people he loved who died and seeing family and all that. Then, peace. Just peace and love and eternal bliss and blah.

Then, BAM, suddenly he's in some room and in walks me. 

Me: Well, well, well... You thought you could escape me didn't you?

Kyle: Oh for fucks sake... Seriously?! 

Me: I told you I could do this shit, Kyle. I fucking told you. 

Kyle: <head in hands> Jesus Christ.

Me: I will follow you all over this here otherside until you let me yell at you. 

<insert big dramatic conversation, and as I leave...>

Me: Oh, and Kyle..?

Kyle: What?

Me: <dramatic pause> Fucking told you so. 



If I can get dead legends to help me with my career and end up befriending them, I'll find my best friend who killed himself. 


It's those other dimensional Goddess skills poking thru, son!

Really tho, spirit and the whole thing is complicated as hell and often hard to grasp but fucking amazing and dazzling and completely brilliant and beautiful...

...when you get to visit and have experienced as a human, or when your time has actually come to an end. Not when you say it's over.


...his birthday is Sunday.

I'll be filming on Sunday. So, I'm sure he'll be there. Then I'll be spending the remainder of my day/night with his family. As usual.


If you want to see a copy of the suicide note he left me, go to my Facebook or Instagram. It's on both places. 

& even Kyle admitted to me and to the first psychic, "There was absolutely nothing you could have done. At all. No one. I was completely set on this, and that was final. So don't think something could have been different. It wouldn't have been."

Still, living this human experience... This blows. Still hurts. Grief is still real. 

Emotions are such a trying part of humanity. Ugh. 

...& I kind of question how welcome I am in certain spiritual realms, because most of the times I've been in the presence of people other than my guides (like ascended masters or Angels by the dozens), I've been cursing my head off. Just obscene language. 


They keep coming back, and keep letting me back. So can't be too bad.

But, then again, language doesn't hold the weight it holds here. There, it's the pure heart and soul intentions and feelings. Not what's coming from your mouth. Or, however that works. There, everything isn't analyzed and broken down to judge or whatever - just soul.

I think there they've got better access to the pure souls. Here, our same version is energy. Energy that the soul puts through the human body and aura and stuff. 

So interesting. 

I know I must have been the shit as a Goddess, and whatever else I did there before I came here.

The only thing that really hurts me about the suicides I've experienced which is really my own damn fault is that I deleted the text Jared sent to me right before he jumped off the building. 

I am so mad at myself for that. What a complete fucking moron I was for that.

I did go back to the phone company the day after and they said they couldn't help me. I needed a fucking court document. Oh suck a bag of dicks.

And Jared tossed his phone before he jumped, so his family couldn't find it and the cops couldn't either. Ugh. 

Really upset that I don't have that. Really upset. It was actually super beautiful and inspiring and uplifting. Swear, lol.

Anyways, had those thoughts tonight with it being Kyle's birthday weekend and all. Had to share. 

My wish for Kyle's birthday is a hug. I asked him for it, so let's see what happens in the next coming nights with my dreams. I hope I have my shit together enough to be able to meet him half way. 

Till then... Goodnight.




I love their paws.
Meows are the best things ever.
I love their noses.
I love their whiskers.
I love their tails.
They're so furry.
I love that if you leave anything, anything at all, laying around anywhere - when you come back a second later, they will be sitting on it.
They're all fucking adorable.
They poop and pee on their own and take care of it themselves.
When they clean their paws tho... Is there anything cuter?
I love how they smell.
I love their breath.
Their tongues are rough and when they clean you it's like, the best.
I love when they purr.
I love their yawns.
I love how they knead you.
I love that they've got a little bit of an attitude.
They don't give a fuck, and that's awesome.
But they give a fuck about their owners.
They don't take no shit.
They're so fucking cute!
I love when they follow you around.
I love when they play. 
I love how they grip onto you when you're holding them.
Or fall asleep when you're holding them.
Or play with your hair when you're holding them.
Just their sheer existence is the most beautiful thing. 
I love how they understand the English language, but pretend they don't.
I love when they jump on your face to wake you up.
I love how they take up the entire bed when you're about to go to sleep.
I love that they're fiercely protective.
I love it when they sleep. They're so fucking cute when they sleep.
I love their eyes.
I love when they just sit and stare at you, trying to figure out why you're being so human.
I love it when they do shit they know they're not supposed to do, then pretend like they didn't. 
I love how they get so excited when they're getting a treat, or special food. 
I love when they snuggle with you.
I love a million more things about them that I can't even think about right now. 
I love that they just are. 
I love them. 
All of them.
The entire cat population is my best friend. 


Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Medicine Man

Doc, doc, you gotta give us some good news
(Yeah, about that...)

[Candice Pillay:]
Don't let me find out, the bitch in you
Don't let me find out, the snitch in you

[Candice Pillay:]
Fame and fortune
It's not your forte
Fuck the world now
I'm done with foreplay
Doctor's orders
Go fuck yourself
Take two a day
Set them on an overdose
And kill yourself
Doctor's orders

[Dr. Dre:]
Listen, this is my evaluation
This shit over saturated, y'all can get evacuated
Kids sipping Actavis and they ain't even activated
Married to the internet, stuck in place, salivating
Ain't nobody graduating
Don't nobody love this shit the way I love it
That's why I gotta hate it
Everybody out for fame, that ain't no exaggeration
Damn I'm getting aggravated, fuck, I'm getting agitated
Teachers so underpaid in these fucking schools
The police got our name in all they databases
Girls be thirteen acting twenty-two
N****s be forty-four acting half they ages
Somebody tell me, what the fuck is going on?
These n****s in tight shit, I'm in the fucking Matrix
It's looking like a sign of the revelation
'Bout time of the return of the fuckin' greatest
I got all these patients man, 
how come they ain't patient with me?
They just think I want the money, why?
When I can't take it with me
Y'all don't do it for the love, for the love not
They gon' find out who you are, just admit 'fore you get admitted

[Anderson .Paak:]
Say, what you living about
Fuck you gon' tell me
Do you remember how you started out though
You looking lost now
(You want a pass, oh damn)
Fake it 'til you make it
Take your little paper book
When you look in the mirror your credibility’s gone now
I'd rather be hated on for who I am
Than to be loved for who I'm not
That's word to doc

[Candice Pillay:]
Fame and fortune
It's not your forte
Fuck the world now
I'm done with foreplay
Doctor's orders
Go fuck yourself
Take two a day
Set them on an overdose
And kill yourself
Doctor's orders

[Eminem (Candice Pillay):]
In the beginning a few of the people who had a problem I was this good, 
I just shook off
Probably reminded you of the first time you saw Tiger Woods golf
Never thought about how much my race and nationality meant
But based on how I ascended, see how plain it was now, they want me to jet
No one really gave a fuck about my descent, 'till I took off
Mistook me because I look soft
But I stood tall, I just follow the (Doctor's orders)
So I rose and grew balls, told these hoes to screw off
Decided opposing you is what I'm ‘posed to do yalls
I did was say what I'm feeling when the vocal booth calls
And had you on pins and needles when I spoke to you all
You felt my pain, it's almost like I poked voodoo dolls
And I hope my spirit haunts the studios when I'm gone
My picture jumps off a poster and just floats through the halls
And fucking goes through the walls like the ghost of Lou Rawls
Karma's headed for Armageddon,the drama setter
I'm going in, already got an arm and head
And whoever said word are just words
Can't hurt me more than I give a fuck
Even if my image ends up taking a personal hit
Whoever I hurt or whatever bridges I burned
In this bitch and whatever bitches feel like
They didn't deserve what they get
And whatever consequences come with every verse, it's worth it
So Doc turn the beat on, whose turn is it to get murdered on it?
And here's to all the years I spent toeing a line to overtime
As sure as I'm always lying, in my mind
I'm still underground as a groundhog and I'mma go for mine
Like a whole furrow just tryna dig up some gold and diamonds and coal to find
I'm starting to slow and these lines full of nines
I just load up the most rhymes and open fire with a closed mind
All I needed was someone to co-sign, been a (Doctor's)
Assault rifle with the sniper scope for this whole time
Day one, set with the blasters, give me the orders, I spray uh
Pain in the ass and get shot in the ass with a paint gun
Ain't no one safe from non-believers there ain't none
I even make the bitches I **** cum
I'm waiting on someone to say something
Dre make the bass pump and let the tape run for old time's sake
I spit it straight through, this is take one
The moment you're waiting for has come but...

[Candice Pillay:]
Fame and fortune
It's not your forte
Fuck the world now
I'm done with foreplay
Doctor's orders
Go fuck yourself
Take two a day
Set them on an overdose
And kill yourself
Doctor's orders

[Candice Pillay:]
Doctor's orders
Doctor's orders

#Compton / DEMONS


The horror website 'Popcorn Horror' wrote an article about the short with, #DEMONS!

Check it out at the link below...

Thanks Cara! 


Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Spirit & Film - always interesting.

Last night, I had spirit talking to me in Spanish. Totally have absolutely zero idea what that meant. Literally and figuratively. 

I went to my Lucy magazine my girl Torri got me. From August 14, 1989. 

Tons of messages about fucking Connecticut, and I'm seeing all of them. Big ones, & I have no idea what it means. Other than being signs.

I almost choked on my food (I was laying down eating corn while reading the Lucy magazine), and I see Lucy instantly with a hand raised behind me like she can thwap me in the back. Then she said, "Sit up and eat. What's the matter with you, child? Jeezus." 

I then sat up and finished eating. 

She wasn't too fond of the magazine. Nice pictures, but they 'picked quotes for some kind of a gossip rag, on purpose'. Some weren't bad, but others were questionable. Not too 'remembering', more 'questionable storytelling'. What was your angle, People? Spreading BS after someone dies?

Oh, wait....

Duh. Same shit different toilet.

Even back in 1989. 

They went kinder on her than most now a days. 

I was surfing Instagram and found a photo that kind of made my insides turn. Don't know why, but very uneasy. I posted a kind of cautionary message - only to be told a couple mins later by spirit to take it down. That gut feeling mixed with clear intuitive guidance. "That's not your problem. Don't make it your problem." Oooohhhkaaaay. 

I should hope if I'm doing something or somehow associated with something not good that I can't see, that someone would tell me, right? 

Not even in that specific situation but just generically, not everyone wants to know any fabric of truth about a problem. Especially coming from a stranger. Especially coated in potential magic-y mysterious language. And, as told to me, "Don't put yourself in the line of fire when the person you're trying to help doesn't know you, doesn't 'get it', & doesn't really care."


Life truth. 

That's not negative. That's just... Duh. Hello. Obviously common sense. 

But after my warning I was curious, and had to google. 

Bad. Just bad, bad bad. Nothing threatening, for me, just very clear 'stay away' in my gut. 

And really, as often as I do frequent the location said questionable thing is located, maybe it was just for me? A 'stay back' for me. At least now if I ever happen to come across it, I'll know. 

Good looking out, spirit! 

But, as my friend Joy always says, "Not my circus, not my monkeys."

Love that. 

In other news:

Couple production meetings this week. All going very well. Things are moving along at a beautiful pace. 

Hopefully you're already subscribed to 'Something Cunning' YouTube page. If not, go do that now!

For now, I bid you farewell. 

I'm being pulled to watch some 'Lucy Desi Comedy Hour'.


Sunday, August 16, 2015

<sigh> Damnit.

I had another potentially important dream last night that, of course, I can't remember. 


I feel like I was at a picnic table in some park somewhere. Or something that resembled a wooden picnic table, somewhere.

Why can't I ever seem to remember anymore? I'm getting so bad at remembering. I used to be so good! 

Depends on the level of sleep I'm in I guess...? Or maybe how almost awake I am? 

Ugh. Disappointed in myself. 

Recording for Tarot Tuesday tonight. I'll give it another good try tomorrow.


Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Film & Conversations

"Got a fuckin’ mouth with no shut-off valve,
Can't even cut off power to it, 
but it's what allowed me to come up out from under the fuckin' ground,
Cause I worked my butt off,
It's a subject that I don't know how to shut up about..."

Yep. That's me. 

That's how I feel about the struggle, about life, about indie film, about so many things. That I have been thru, or watched/been a part of others going thru.

Because I'm so firm in the stance and belief that those who struggle are often times the strongest, yet get treated like fucking trash.

That most people just don't understand certain things.

And when I discuss indie film, especially in my blabbering that can be confused with a rant on Terror Troop Podcast, I'm never talking to decent people. There's some great people in positions of privilege and power who just slid right in. Didn't work half as hard as most. Extremely few, but there's some good ones.

I'm talking with passion, and fire, and support for those also in the struggle of any kind, to the privileged assholes. Who now think they're better. Who now forget where the fuck they come from. Who talk down to people busting their asses and doing whatever they can for something. 

Also, a part of me is also an inspiring insult comic. Inspired by Paula Bel and Lisa Lampanelli and Tammy Pascatelli. So... I mean... Just my flow sometimes I guess. Haha.

But seriously,

I like to think the good, kind hearted folks know I don't speak about them. Regardless how privileged. 

I speakith to the douchebags and assholes. 

And generally, as the quote says, the truth will set you free - but first, it'll piss you off. And generally, it only pisses those off it applies to. 

Neat huh?

Additionally, when speaking especially of film, I am pissed off because - it's just not fair! 

Regardless how infantile you believe that to be, it's not. It's just not. How an industry of people playing pretend for a living talk about how it's 'so hard and difficult' to 'get in', yet we train any asshole who can get a tuition or loan from a bank how to cut people's chests open?

Okay, makes total sense. 

Fucking stupid, & idiotic. 

I watched a whole 10 mins of 'The Making Of Wet Hot...' on Netflix today, and just couldn't. My admiration for some of the movements and things some of the folks in there support is beside the point. But they say, 'low budget' film.




That ain't no fucking low budget film. 

And the folks in there who for them that was their first feature? Pssh. Spoiled! 

Like hey great for them, again, haters everywhere always seeing something in a twisted way. Great that you can raise tons of money and pay for all those actors and have all that crew and all that equipment and obviously rent the camp for however long and probably pay for travel and all that food and blah blah blah.

...that ain't no fucking low budget film.

Guaranteed, indie filmmakers who are struggling to make films also look at that classification and laugh. Deep, from their soul. 

Must be nice, right indie filmmakers? 


My definition of low budget is an enormously lower budget than 'Clerks' with all the actors doing multiple crew things to help the crew, and someone's parents buying pizzas. With no pay, just because you fucking can't. And the low budget was either renting out a space or paying people for gas or buying Salvation Army wardrobe where you can. If you can. 


For me, no budget is just folks gathering at someone's house or whatever to shoot something as quickly as possible. With $0 anywhere in sight. Because they can't. Borrowing people's camera and friends light kits. Or hanging up random ass fucking normal house lights and lamps trying to make the shit look good and bright enough to edit. 


So, what, low budget is supposed to mean anything lower than a damn multi-million dollar thing? What the hell type of budget were they comparing that to to come to the conclusion that 'oh yeah, with all these names (some were names even then) and crew and other actors and location and food and this and that, we're certainly a low budget'?????

But it's in the actual low budget films and the no budget films where you learn. So much. If, if you're so serious about this being your life.

You learn how to turn literally or virtually nothing... Into something. 

You learn how to be super efficient, how to network for things. Almost like bartering sometimes.

You learn how to take what money you may get, even if it's something like $100-$500 or lower, way lower, and stretch that shit so fucking much you're shocked by how much it actually stretches. 

You learn how to be super fucking efficient. 

You don't have a choice but to help with other jobs (unless you're an asshole), and you then - in turn - learn 40x's more than most. 

You become an idea machine. For absolutely any problem or situation that could ever pop up, you're locked and loaded with 50 solutions (if you're in a position where you're allowed to give them, and to help brainstorm).

There is no downtime, so your not able to go do some dumb shit. 

& so much more.

It's like a badge of honor to me being able to come from absolutely no budgets and real low budgets. For what I have learned. I don't care what type of power or privilege tells you otherwise... You just don't know what those filmmakers know.  Those actors know. & you never will. 

Because really, that stuff comes down to your brain. Nothing but your brain, and your creativity. 

Not money. No. All about the brains.

& as a filmmaker, an actor, and any other person on a film set - the highest and most astute level of learning happens on a no budget/low budget set. With nothing around but your team, and your creativity. 


On another note..

...this past weekend/beginning of the week, I had the honor of spending it with a group of beautiful - powerful young women. Some cousins, some not. Ranging in age from 11-16. I was the oldest. 

We got several opportunities to stray from the 'adults' and have deep, intellectual discussions of which we all have never collectively had before. 

I can't even begin to tell you how safe I feel, knowing these young women will be coming after me. 

I can't begin to tell you how empowered and inspired they made me.

I also can't believe the horrifying state of affairs they have to deal with. 

The stories I got from them about boys, how they are being treated, things being told to them and said to them... Horrifying. 

They are, after all, growing up in a way more hyper-sexualized day and age than I was. I had Missy Elliot and Eve. They have, well, you see them. 

They're not at the age I am. I can look and see the entertainment and the business behind that stuff. 

They're just sexual objects, even more so than I ever was, to the boys and - yes - older men. 

I almost cried when my 16 year old cousin declared, loud and proud, she is a feminist. Always will be, always has been. And then my heart soared when every single one of the other girls claimed their feminist stance, also.

They all knew what it meant. They all stand for the same beliefs and values. The right ones that truly make a feminist a feminist. For all women, of all ages - races and sexualities. 

& here's one thing I've always understood about kids, young adults, that has been even more proven to me these past couple days:

Kids have the heavy conversations with people who aren't related to them in the way Mom and Dad are. 

Kids, especially young women, find someone who is younger - but not too young. Not exactly a peer. Who they think is cool, cool enough to swear around and dance to rap music with. Who they respect enough to respect, truly, someone they won't curse AT but someone who they will curse with. Someone they know is old enough to be close to the adults, but cool enough to know they can dump their secrets and serious issues with.

Someone like me. 

I got to hear stories I am well aware their parents have never heard. Both alarming and inspiring. I got to hear about who's boyfriends or little crushes were pressuring them to have sex, who was being bullied at school, who was having sex, who hates their parents and why, who has already drank or smoked weed, everything.

I think the most rewarding thing was to have these beautiful and powerful young women tell me, "I never have anyone to talk to about this stuff... This is awesome. You actually get me, and don't treat me like I'm a stupid kid."

We had conversations about addiction, forgiveness, depression, suicide, feminism, abuse, sex, friendship, family, safety, and more. 

One of the girls told me, "I have a poster in my room that says 'Feminist', with the definition. A friend of mine came over, he said he liked me, he saw it and said, 'Seriously?' April, I told him to call his mom right now and come and get him. I don't hang around with men who think that way about me or any other women'."

Fucking... God damnit these young women are amazing.

People just don't have these talks with kids, man. 

I'm telling you, they can see the closed minded judgemental adults a mile away. They know who to talk to or who not to talk to.

It was honestly one of the absolute most beautiful things I've ever been allowed to be a part of. 

It's amazing how none of these girls really had self esteem issues or anything like that. They're powerful, I tell you. The 11 year old said, "I'm beautiful, I like me. I don't have to be naked to be pretty. Your problem not mine, perverts!"

Gosh. How lovely. 

Beautiful, powerful, inspiring young women. They will surely be changing the world. 

I wish you guys could meet them. But, they're all under 18 and really I don't want to put them on any YouTube video until they're old enough to make that choice in a 100% legal adult way. 

They have all asked, some even begged, to be in a video. When they're 18, they can. Social media is their life, you know. YouTube is all they know! Haha.

I honestly can't even begin to say how proud of them I am. How excited I am to watch them grow. How honored I am to be able to be that person for them, that they feel safe with. That as they navigate the tough waters of life, I'm in their phones, and they know they have me on their side for anything.

Furthermore, that their parents feel comfortable enough with me to virtually be raising their kids in a long distance type way. Haha! In one form, anyways. 

Love it. That's what life is about, telling you. To have some type of impact on the lives of others.

Well, goodnight for me. 


Friday, August 7, 2015


So last night in my 'it's Lucy's birthday' dream (I always have one with her I remember around her birth date and death dates), she took me to meet Gilda Radner.

I know of her, but holy shit - I hadn't seen her or heard of her or thought of her in AGES. I mean, YEARS.

But, it makes sense because a couple years ago when I had my big meeting dream with Lucy, there was a woman that she tried to introduce me to that I swore was Rodah from Mary Tyler Moore show. But, she is alive, so I was super confused and didn't get any confirmations on her name/identity. 

Now, she looked almost identical to her, and I woke up with her name being screamed at me "GILDA RADNER!" 

Oh, so that's who it was, haha!

When I first woke up I mumbled to my cats, who were sleeping next to me, "Who is Gilda Radner?"

Immediately googled. 


I remember her now!

So, apparently there's something I need to know about her. Or, I should anyways if she's being added to my super amazing spirit team. So, today is dedicated to learning about her and her life. Mainly career, since that's what she's here to help me with - my career. 

At least to find out what it means. I'm sure there's a Lucy connection somewhere. Or, maybe not. But Lucy doesn't usually bring people in she didn't know personally, or admire their career and their work in one way or another. If they're not Lucy approved, they usually don't get in. She surely doesn't sit me down with them, anyways. 


Google, YouTube, here I come! 



Oh, Lucy... This shit never ceases to amaze me. 


Wowowowowowowow. Spirit never plays around. & I know they're standing by, laughing at my reactions. 

& I JUST had a Hitchcock sign thrown into my day.

I LOVE spirit! Thank you guys! Eek!


Share & Explain

Just thought of a quick way to explain some 'ghosty'/'vibey' stuff...


...have you ever been laying down, ready to go to sleep, and you just hear - like - static?

Or you're just quiet, by yourself, in a room, and you hear the tone of the room? Not house noises. Not any noise. But you can hear the vibration, the hum, the space of the silence? 

That's part of it.

I was laying down just now, and I heard someone walk into my room. I realized that the steps were muffled in the 'static' of the silence. 

First time I ever realized that, and I had to share. A revelation!

It's not always like that, but that's kind of the space stuff slips in.

And you realize when you get out of the 'zoned out' state, and things become sharper? You lose the static, the hum, the vibration, the silence... And you are more alert, and get the ticking of the clock. Or the cars outside. Which you didn't have before?

That's the difference between being 'alert' and 'relaxed', or receptive. 


Happy Birthday to my wonderful business manager. The woman who has been really the only one to take a firm place in my life as my mentor, and guide me in this wonderful business of entertainment. The one, the only, Lucille Ball. Love you, Mama. You're the best. 

Didn't even realize I was filming on her birthday. I was in my car on the way to the location and I asked her to be with me, and it's funny... I realized they really do all have specialties. Even in the entertainment world of spirit. 

She's more the comedy side, and the business side. She stepped completely out of the way and let P. Swayz and Dubs take the lead when I asked for them to be with me during my shoot today. 

"Oh, I don't do that horror stuff. What are you, nuts?!"

Dubs I felt more present than anyone. P. Swayz is really silent, but he was hovering. It's kind of cool, that sometimes you zone out and kind of drift off, but you're still 'acting'. And you know you're getting help, because you're stuck. 

By no means am I saying I channeled anyone, haha, that's crazy talk. I'm just playing around with and getting to learn when they're helping. Learning it, I suppose. No ones got permission to be channeled, ever. Even Lucy. They know that. Just little whispers and, well, help. 

Helps that they all loved their jobs. And they want to help me. So it's really effortless when I ask for some guidance. Eternally grateful. 

The damn Krylon (spelling?) tear stick saved my life. It's the stick of emotions, since I'll never - ever - be able to cry on cue. Ever. And I know tons of 'A-List', 'studio' sets use it. Watch, pay attention. Any film/movie/show where the actor/actress seems to just hold their eyes open for extended periods of time, and they seem to be crying without really blinking... Tear stick. 

Sarah Michelle Gellar used it all the damn time. I watched Buffy religiously, and would always wonder how she did that. I just tried holding my eyes open like she did. Nope, no go. Didn't work. Just got blurry vision. 

Jennifer Love Hewitt is like my sister from another mister, so I should be able to cry like that. Nope. Hers, I think, is the real deal. No clue how she does it, but I can't. 

Then I had a makeup artist tell me, "You know, they make something for tears silly." 

My ride or die to this day. 

Key: Put it on RIGHT BEFORE camera roll, and hold your eyes open. It'll be a struggle against habit to wipe them away, but don't. And keep Kleenex nearby. You'll need it. And it WON'T WORK with contacts. So if you wear glasses, have someone hold them during your scenes and just be careful. Haha. 

If you use too much, it won't work. Like today, after a couple hours my eyes just got used to it. Right now they're damn near permanently bloodshot, but that's okay. They always go back to normal. If it stops working, take a 5 and wipe it all off from under your eyes. Give your eyes a couple mins, then put it back on. It'll work perfectly. 

Tear stick is my buddy.

So, yeah, today was a good day. Had fun. Now, I'm trying to relax with meditation music and Reiki cleaning/clearing (was in some cool yet crazy ass building with all types of energies around it and shit from other people, so, clearing it, since I can feel it). It really does almost feel like you need a shower, but for your soul.

Oooohhh! Another way to describe something!

You know when you're dirty, and sweaty, or just whatever - you feel like you need a shower? You're just uncomfortable, and it wouldn't matter if you just wiped the dirt off or put on new clothes, you'd still feel like crap? 

Same thing. Only, inside. Your soul. 

You can just feel... Icky. And occupied, almost. Like there's some unexplainable film over stuff, and you gatta wipe it off. Shine it up.

That's what I'm doing now, and I'll let continue in my sleep.

Play this the next time you're going to bed, and let it play while you're asleep. I guarantee you there will be a part of you that'll feel noticeably better in the morning:

Anyways... Hope everyone is having a marvelous week! Sending good vibes.


Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Precious Way...

Precious Way kicks a freestyle that is 1,000,000,000% aligned with me and who I am.

If anyone ever was curious about dating me - you should check this first. Because if you ask me out, for my number, or anything else, consider I really need a business card with this printed on it to hand out first:

"I see you got a nice car,
And you got riches,
And that today's enough to resonate with simple bitches.
I will not be your side chick,
Your second,
Or your mistress.
I will not be a notch under your belt
Or a statistic. 
I will not be another chick you chuck up on your hit list - 
A complicated person dumbed down to a simplistic.
Now that we have covered that, 
Sat and kicked ballistics,
...let's be realistic...
Do you still feel optimistic?
Or have you been intimidated?
Feelin pessimistic?
Thinkin that I'm arrogant,
And act to narcissistic?
Cuz I see myself more as misses,
Not a mission,
Who doesn't need to yell 
For you to feel compelled to listen.
Whatever that you sellin,
I'm not buyin,
Tho you wishin.
I saw the drama comin,
Call it women's intuition." 


Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Oh, dreams...

Another doozie. 

So last night, I have a dream I'm in some waiting room (or potentially a meeting type thing), and someone handed me a butt load of money.

I'm looking at it, I fan it out (like you do with cards) and I see several $100 and $50 bills, mixed with a slate blue color business card or two, and some fake money, and some singles. 

I remember being super confused. Looking up for whoever gave this to me, and not seeing anyone. Everyone seemed to pay me zero attention - except Lucy. Who I caught in the corner, a magazine in front of her face, and she raised her eyebrows at me.

I went over to sit next to her, confused.

"Well, well, well... Too bad you can't bring that money with you to fund your movie." She laughed. 

I kept staring at it, "What is this?"

She didn't answer.

I looked over at her and she just shrugged. 

"Is this one of those pointless dreams you just filtered into?"

A pause. "Maybe."

"Is this a sign?"


"A good sign?"

"Why don't you try and figure that out yourself instead of asking me all the damn time."

"Excuse me, you're here and you're my guide so - you tell me."

She laughed. "Smartass."

I looked back down at it and didn't see any names on the cards, and couldn't really make any sense of it. 

I put the money in my lap, and Lucy did the same with her magazine.

I took a deep breath, and kept my eyes forward. Just - sitting.

"You're doing a really good job." I hear her say, "Keep it up."

I looked beside me (she was on my right) and smiled. 

She winked, picked up her magazine again after staring at me for a moment, then I woke up.


No clue. No clue at all.