Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Hocus Pocus 2..?

I have made an executive decision today.

I am going to tell EVERYONE... EV-REE-ONE... About whatever messages or dead people things I'm getting.

I don't care how stupid I seem or sound or whatever. I'm doing it.

I'm sick of everyone screaming at me and keeping me up at 3a, and damnit messages need to be passed on! So, I'm fucking doing it.

Lady at the store, people in line at Starbs, everyone. Don't care anymore!

Taking my 'no shits given' to its highest level!

At least that's how I feel right now. When I'm in the situation I might get nervous and cave, lol, so we shall see.

Only certain dead folks seem to come in super strong. Some of them are just... Too cute. I'm telling you, people's grandparents love me. 

Alive and dead. 

So, just saying it.

Depending anyways.

So I heard they're making a 'Hocus Pocus 2'. I promptly found the people who were in charge of the first one and emailed them all. All of them. 

It's worked before, lol. And I don't give a shit. I make my own rules. 

We shall see. 

Anyways, my lesson from Lisa today is meditation. I found a great spot at a cemetery that I really like, so I'm probably going to spend most of my day there today. 

Ashley Gray's sometime this week to do some fun videos. Oh the joys.

Beautiful cemetery here I come!

XO

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Beautiful Day

I just figured a way to tell when there's a 'soul connection' to someone. 

At least, for me anyways. In everyone it presents itself differently. Kind of like they use different things to tell different people the same thing. 

For example, what I understand or already associate with say Love - they'll use for me. Like, say, a heart. For someone else, it may be - I don't know, a feather for whatever reason. They'd use feathers with you and hearts with me. Being told the same thing, just in ways we understand. 

So for me, the first thing I felt when I saw Lucy for example was, "I really want to just crawl into her lap and snuggle." 

There's no other way to put it.

A calm, comforting, familiar energy. Almost like your mother, or grandmother. 

But I don't know this lady. Never met her in my life or her life. 

Other people? Nothing. Strangers. Stranger energy. 

Lucy? Familiar. Warm.

Same with Marilyn. 

Same with Dubs, and P. Swayz. 

Not that the example and way I'm saying it would be the literal action, that's just the feeling.

Other random people? Nothing. 

But every so often, I just see a dead person or someone who has passed and I get that feeling. Never known them, nothing. 

Rare, but it's there. 

That's the way I've grown to know it means something to me. That's a feeling that's sent as a signal that I know now means, at the very least, "I'm going to get to know you very soon."

Easier with women, but still. With the men it's the same, but in a more brother/dad fashion. If that makes sense. Again, my best way of explaining. 

And I have had dreams where I do snuggle with Lucy. Right before Kyle killed himself, I was crying for whatever reason and she came and comforted me. Marilyn views me more like a cute little sister type, but same. I'm lucky to have so many spirits aside from my friends who have passed and family that are so protective of me.

Jared and Kyle came in today. They swore they're doing everything they can to help me with what I'm trying to do, and Jared said he's trying to keep his energy ramped up to help move energy my way.

Funny, just seen Jared the other day too. 

We talked. I'm significantly less mad at him now than I had been prior to today.

Just... Hard to get over. 

I did pretty good today in the first day connecting with Spirit for Lisa William's mediumship course. I was actually really proud of myself! I got some things super strong and instant, some were harder. But, like she said, the point was to just go with my gut and not second guess.

I got kids really strong, that one came super easy. And I had felt kidneys for whatever reason for his passing, but all day I had been having these weird stomach pains and then when I was done and she said to look for the answers, he died from a stomach embolism. 

Like damn son. Not bad! 

I guess that's one of the things tho, with doing that type of work. You do get random pains. And if you don't know it's spirit or you're not connected, you're just confused as fuck.

I'm super excited. It's nice to have a learning thing to do with myself so I'm still enhancing myself spiritually and tuning something while I'm working on the films and in the waiting/planning phases.

She said to figure out a signal to spirit for when you're open to spirit or closed, because you want something as your 'open/closed' sign. I'm still debating. Hard to figure out. I don't wear jewelry a lot or anything so... Don't know.

It's really cool. Spirit. I mean the movie 'The Secret' explains it all from a quantum physics standpoint. It's all just energy. Everything is energy. Every cell in our bodies is a vibrating energy. Thought waves have been measured now. There is a frequency and a measurement. When we die, the soul just continues.

Spirit is like sound waves. 

Seriously.

You can hear all sounds, but it's been proven there's sound waves you can't see that are creating that sound.

Same thing.

Only, not everyone can tune their souls and their beings into the frequency that spirit lives on.

Everyone could. Most just, don't.

Still there. Just can't see it.

It's really awesome actually. 

I'm having a hard time unplugging, like Lisa says to do. I'm getting better, but it's hard because it's like a form of marketing for myself. So... I just been doing it so long, hard to break. 

I did all my Moon 'rituals' tonight, also. I even got my Mom to do them, too. Just manifesting and letting things go to the universe to cleanse and send positive energy back. All that. 

Saged and programmed all my crystals.

Did my first connection with Lisa's Grandpa. First spirit lesson.

Sat with some company emails and picked a couple films to start with. Want to start smaller and build up eventually, plus it's going to be kind of new for me doing the directing and acting and everything else. So, forcing myself to baby step it up. And I know Curt will help me in terms of the scripts, so they won't be difficult.

That's what we did, went through and I numbered them on 'most comfortable with now' to 'have to wait till later'. When you're riding virtually solo, gatta be strategic. 

Meditated for awhile after, and did some chakra work on myself.

Sent out some more feelers in an attempt to network with some more folks. Just holding positive, peaceful intentions. What's means to be will be. 

There's good people out there. One day, we'll find each other. Good people can see other good people, so it's all just the universe and what it decides is best for me. 

Trying to learn and grow and better myself in all possible areas every single day. 

Oh, and by the way, the last post here that I posted - I had to go back an re-read it. Had no memory of it at all. I was totally and completely half asleep when I wrote it. So, yeah... Haha!

I'm excited for Halloween. It's my favorite holiday. One of my personal life goals is to have my home look like fucking Universal came out and personally decorated it. To have it so scary people question the sanity of the people living in it. Yessss.

Ashley Gray wants to do a mini-documentary on Kyle's suicide. Interview his Mom and his family and stuff. She was really touched by his birthday that we did in CA for him, she's been brainstorming since. I threw her that idea, she said she's on it. We shall see. I think it would be a powerful message and really therapeutic for Kyle's family.

I want to go to Greenfield Village before they re-decorate for Halloween. Do a video of my own. I just love it there, always have. So many old, original, historic houses and stuff. The energy is amazing, and I learn something new every time I go. Plus, they have interactive historical shit - who doesn't love that?!

The people at the old school photos place showed me every single step of how they use to take and process an old photograph. Even told me the reason every single child wore a dress, male or female, until they were old enough to go to the bathroom themselves, was because back then it was way too much work to change diapers and stuff. So every child wore a dress until they were potty trained.

And the color in photographs was usually only for wealthy families. Since coloring lips or cheeks cost extra. But some photographers and stuff would just do it for a gift with no charge on holidays and stuff. 

I love it there.

There's even an old doctors office, with all the old jars and ways they did everything. Each house on this enormous plot of land is set up like an operating business or lived in home. So you walk into the doctor? You're walkin in to a doctor. Period. A doctor who walks you around his 18th century doctors office and tells you everything.

Most of the homes have people dressed up in whatever period cooking, and you can learn how they cooked back then. Or you go in the backyard and their 'husband' is our back sheeting a sheep, and he'll teach you how and let you help him.

It's fucking amazing. 

But, a girl with at least 17 past lives would love history, eh? Haha.

Okay, bedtime now. Lisa says all mobile devices and everything off an hour before bed.

Yes ma'am!

Peace & Love. 

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Pointless Midnight Musings

Today, I was in line at a department store and I felt someone's dead grandmother by them. Or mother. Still confusing those feels.

I gave a friend a huge tarot reading, and had another long spiritual based conversation/counseling session. Life, choices, lessons, etc.

The company I was working with, Something Cunning, the director/owner Curt decided after the first short that directing gave him way too much anxiety and stress, and he prefers not being the man in charge. Or directing. So, we have re-worked things. He loves writing, and he's amazing at it, so he suggested he write and produce and edit here and there and I step up and do most everything else.

Not going to lie - super nervous that I'm not nervous. I haven't been worrying about it, like, at all. Not one bit. And that consumed my entire life, every second usually. 

I've reached a place where I don't give a shit anymore. Build some huge professional company with all the company logos and accounts and shit? No. I've literally done that 6 times already (counted) and had it cave every time. 

Build up some stupid 'professional', almost uppity-feeling product and feel? No. That's fucking stupid and that's more of the industry making me believe I have to.

I'm literally just having fucking fun, and using my personal accounts to host them, and when I make movies with my friends who are looking for someone to give them an opportunity somewhere, I'll call it 'April & friends make movies'.

Just fun and relaxed, and inviting. Make it seem like everybody can do it...

...because they fucking can.

I'm working on self-promotion right now. It's super easy for me to promote someone else and some other shit, super hard to do it for myself in the same way I know as a marketer is required to get something real done.

I'm bad at whoring myself. Or marketing myself. I know how, it's just hard. 

But in reality, it's for the benefit of others. Not me. So many things having to do with it are to build dreams for other people. Truly. That's always been my goal, from the bottom of my heart. 

It's interesting to not really have a 'group' anymore. Like, people to go out with. Or to just not go out.

I've said I don't have many friends before. I've got people to spend time with, or to do something with - but everyone either is going to bars and worrying about boys or girls or relationshit troubles, or they're raising kids, or they're in totally different careers and jobs. 

And, I'm sober. 

So going out doesn't work. People don't invite me, nice of them, because I am sober and I don't drink. I can't be at a bar or anything and drink and stuff. Obviously. 

But also, just... Differences. 

I look past lots of things. I'll ask people to call me for this or tell them I'd love to go to that, and I don't hear from them. I'll try to schedule dinners or hang outs and they bail. I think it's more of the energy thing - that and I'm a stupidly loyal person. I mean I am loyal to a fault.

Then again, the two closest people to me who just got things on a deep level and could talk to me like more than just relationships and bullshit have both killed themselves. 

Is it wrong to be irritated by people constantly saying shit like, "Yeah for sure! I'll let you know!" When you know for a fact they're getting their new schedule this week and it's as simple as picking a day they have off - but knowing, from the past and energetically/intuitively, that they're just waiting for the guy who has been cheating on them very obviously to decide to do something with them first.

...?

Weird.

I've worked on opening myself to just flow. Truly, to understand that if my standards and requirements for friends were kept as high as I'd like (i.e. Jared & Kyle) I would never have another friend again. 

I refuse to settle for romantic relationships, so those standards are staying up, but... Yeah. 

Humans are weird.

I really do feel like an alien. I just don't belong. Can't fit in. Can't - like - Fuck with the vibes.

They're all good people, but super deep down... It's like the little things that mean the most to me just aren't there. 

Jared and Kyle have spoiled me. They treated me so good and all kinds of awesome shit, that's the 'standard'.

Most of the time, I am by myself. I'm personable and outgoing, I can talk to anyone and blah blah... I just don't. People make time when they have nothing else to do, and I don't seem to have the same interests and shit as other people.

Even the 'higher consciousness' people... They smoke weed and do shrooms and other drugs pretty often. Not saying that's wrong, to each their own, that's just... not me. I'm trying not to eat meat because killing animals makes me cry, but I'm not perfect. 

I spent 26 years doing things one way, it's hard to shift. Especially since it doesn't seem like the greens and shit helps my acid reflux. I remember supposedly having it when I was younger, and now it's getting bad again. Wasn't for a long time. 

I listen to hardcore gangster rap, head dead people, see shit other people don't see, meditate, also listen to spa music and binaural beats, read spiritual/self-help/law of attraction/mediumship books, understand and feel my soul separate from me being a human, so ambitious and persistent most people are put off by it, so honest (but from a loving place) people are put off by it, don't really give any fucks, treat everyone equal (unless they're assholes), basically praise cats/animals as a whole, get people without talking to them, feel the vibes, know what someone isn't saying, feel all my past lives, former addict, filmmaker...

...fucking... Weird. 

But that's okay. 

Because I love me. 

I also think that's weird. Like Iyanla Vanzant says, "People are comfortable when you start to complain, but as soon as you start talking about how good you're doing... You're a new person. Who is suddenly stuck up or whatever else." 

I do love me. I am the shit.

And I don't care about 'being alone' or 'lonley' - it's an interesting thing to analyze. Because I find humans both infuriating, inspiring and fascinating.

I've got endless people in spirit that are always around, and even tho there is separation between soul & humanity (ego?) for me... The feels creep around every now and again. Then they're almost immediately replaced by deep thoughts. Analyzing. 

I even understand how spirit feels. But it's so simple that it's incomprehensible; if that makes sense.  

Then there's dreams and goals and missions and shit I was sent here with on purpose, and the conflicts between those and soul/source.... The book 'Lightworker' by Savannah forgotherlastname is really it. The first medium I ever went to when all this stuff really started blowing up for me gave me a copy of it and instructed me to read it. "it will answer so many questions".. It did.

*shrug* Maybe I'm just missing my friends. 

Midnight musings, that's all.

Peace & Love, folks. 

Be kind to one another. 
Goodnight 

A late 90s Soprano tribute cheese grater...?

On a three-way call with two friends of mine:

(Fun Fact: They're both in their 40s. Just keep that in mind... They certainly haven't lost their inner child, or let life kill their awesomeness. Which is awesome.)

-

S: I just got an email from some stupid website suggesting I buy a CSI mug.

Me: How rude.

S: What have I ever done on the Internet to make anyone think I would want one of those?

Me: *laughter*

K: Maybe they've got your house tapped.

S: Then they have the wrong house.

Me: *still laughing*

K: They've got a lot of nerve.

S: I should send them something equally as random.

Me: You should.

S: Like a... Late 90s Soprano tribute cheese grater. 

Me: *drops phone, falls on floor, cracking up. Tears streaming down my face...*

K: *howling just as loud as me*

S: Seriously guys. Oh, and April, that picture you sent me of that food that you supposedly made? Stop lying.

K: You got it too?

S: Lies.

K: Tell Mrs. Washko that that looks delicious.

Me: I really made it, guys!

K: Check your texts.

<I do, and I see this link:>

Then I started crying and laughing and told them I'd have to hang up if they didn't stop.

I love the people in my life. Regardless how often I see them... They're gems. 

It's the little things. The things money can't buy. Those things always mean the most. 

XO

Friday, September 25, 2015

Spirits. Dicks. Suicide. Fuckery. Rant?

The other day, I accidentally (on purpose) ran by an old friends social media accounts.

She's getting deep into mediumship. Funny, how some of her little stories about how she got where she is - she leaves out pretty pivotal details. But, I digress.

She mentioned fun visitors like some of the people who hang out with me. Legends, so on. I thought, "How fucking loony & ass-backwards."

Then realized - Welp, that's me! Haha.

And that must be how people perceive me. 

It's so interesting. To have more friends in spirit than in this human life here on earth.

I can honestly say the only time I've ever felt a separation like 'normal person' vs 'celebrity', or been in any way shape or form even a little 'star-struck' was when I met Lucille Ball for the first time. 

And the second time.

And third time.

Then we got to talking, and it was normal. 

Now, she's just my friend. A guide, like the others. 

When I saw P. Swayz sitting in my living room, that was interesting. Not 'OMG', since I never knew about him or gave two shits (sorry dude), & really don't feel that way about anyone (the only difference between me right now and 'celebrities' is that they're doing things paying more and have people running their popularity and are on projects that are put more places by people than mine are - or, they've taken a dick in the mouth/ass, and I haven't) regardless who they are. 

I mean except Lucy. She's a legend. We already established that. 

But... These people are my friends. 

I truly don't have many. And no, they're not fabricated because I'm Lonley and delusional. 

You try walking into a room and seeing a dead person sitting there. Or going to sleep and having a dream where someone is literally like, "Hi April". I don't care who they are, or who you are, it's weird and you're aware it's not normal.

And you'll think you're crazy, too. Like I did. Until several professional mediums had to assure me I wasn't. I'm normal. 

I've said that a good dozen times here, I'm sure. 

All my friends are in spirit.

Ones I've never known on this earth at this time, and ones I have. 

Regardless how open and personable I am, and how many connections I keep - I don't have many friends. Not anymore. Not since sobriety, and this career. 

Not since my 'awakening', and discovering all this fun meditation stuff. I just don't get lots of people. I prefer being by myself anyways. 

And in the space of positive affirmations, I know the world has been removing even more people from my life. So... Fun. 

I don't mind. I don't aim to ever go and be with people just to be with them anyways. When I do, I find myself to be like my late friend Jared most of the time anyways... Still wanting to be by myself. 

I feel like... There's only one way to say it, and it's gonna sound egotistical... I'm too evolved. 

Really. For almost every-fucking-body.

Awake. 

Alert.

In communication with the 'one'.

Spiritually awake and higher consciousness people will get that.

Because once you just vibe the right way, and know who you are, and have tried things and failed at some things, and see patterns in human consciousness and human beings, reading energy and all kinds of stuff... You're really just... Different. And it makes you see everyone and everything differently, too. 

Not in a bad way. Not in an 'I'm better than you' way. Just... Different. 

When the only two men I've found in my life that were extremely well educated, super compassionate and kind, preferred being alone too, respected women as a whole and didn't just want to get in my pants have both killed themselves... 

When you're sick of hearing every single woman and man you know talk about their toxic circumstances in their toxic intimate relationships...

When you can see trouble coming a mile away but no one else can so you're always silent because no one else can see what you see, or wants to...

When you realize we are truly just the universe manifested in human form to live an experience with everyone else... Plus being human yourself, and knowing the separation between soul and humanity...

Plus, dead people.

Vibing with pure souls is just easier I guess.

I hang out with my dead friends. From all times, of all ages. Chat with them, when I can hear them and when I can't. 

I've learned so much from them. Especially my guides from the film industry. Not being able to connect, really, with any living 'celebrity' to guide or mentor, in any capacity (the complete fucking psychos have ruined it for normal people)... They've stepped in. In a big way. 

Simple things. 

I'm stuck writing a script? Horror? Bam. Alfie is there. Off in the distance, but there.

I need business advice or coaching? I don't know what to do from an executive level? "I want you to be in the place where you're running your own damn life. That's what I did. I may have had agents and whatever else they have now, but I didn't take orders from them - they took them from me." Mama Lucy with the win.

Just acting advice or help? Dubs, front and center. Or P. Swayz.

Oddly enough, a lot of addiction and/or 'loneliness' type issues go to Miss M. She's big on me running my own life, too. "They always sold me as a sex-kitten. I didn't know how to be anything else, regardless how badly I wanted to be."

Suicide and depression all look different now, too. Not just because I had to put my two soulmates in the ground, but on a cosmic level.

Your soul doesn't stop. You just keep coming back and coming back until you finally learn what it is you're human to learn. 

You have a mission. A goal. A purpose for being here. 

And really... From the side of killing myself to be with all my friends (I self-analyze a lot), that's bogus and backwards. 

They appear to me in whatever stream of consciousness April Washko has, in this lifetime, for them. Meaning: I know Lucille Ball's soul as the image that relates to Lucille Ball. April Washko, me, in this lifetime, doesn't know consciously any other image for her. 

They use what you have. What you know. 

So if I was to be in spirit too... It would all just cease to be the way it is. It would be a collective vibration of everything and every being on that 4th dimension level. I wouldn't have such a rare and unique relationship. I would be one with them. 

Basically, I'd just be another ghost. Nothing special about it. Just... Hey, 'Lucy' soul. That's it. Hi's and hugs I wouldn't consciously remember in my next lifetime. 

Not until I got older, again, like this lifetime, and had to do it aaallllll ooovvveeerrrr aaagggaaaiiinnn. 

Humanity is crazy.

To know the separation. Between what makes you a human being and the parts of you that are infinite.

Wild. And you really do feel like an alien. 

Rose McGowan nails it, really, as her alien in her new music video. 

Kyle and Jared loved that about me. Especially Jared, because Kyle was gone and we stopped communicating really well before I was getting these things. Jared was around toward the Angel discoveries and stuff.

Jared... God, I miss him. What an amazing guy. Went absolutely crazy, but an amazing man. You could ALWAYS find him up, at his coffee shop, well after midnight. Writing scripts and poetry and short stories. 

He would always say really smart things, and explain to me what they meant.

He loved taking walks, so do I. He loved being alone, so do I. I had to quite literally force him out of his hotel room when we were shooting on set. Just to go be alone somewhere else. Have him tell me smart people things. Him and his endless knowledge. I think he was accepted to fucking Harvard and stuff, and his parents shit when he turned them all down and opted for film school.

He always asked a million questions about ghosts and angels and stuff. One of the very first times I read anything for anyone, it was his room. He was so in it. He didn't mock me or make fun of me. He was so interested. 

"You're the most unique person I've ever met."

He would always say that.

My connection to spirit got deeper when they both died. Jared knew I knew what was up, and didn't hesitate on the sending of signs. 

I remember I was absolutely petrified to go to his funeral. But he helped me along the way. His guardian angels and him had a whole 'briefing' dream with me, and he sent me small signs the whole drive there. Pains and hurts in weird places that when I got there and saw him all broken up in the casket... Matched.

They said they would send someone for me. I know it, the universe knows it. Or, they were 'coming attractions'. My only issue is... I had to literally and figuratively infiltrate their lives to do even a shred of good. Quiet, reserved as they were. 

I have always been that person to be another name on someone's super duper small list of names they've let into their lives.

But how in the fuck am I supposed to do that again? How will I know to do that again? Humanity. Here it is. The constant processing. 

How is it that I vibe the best with people who are virtual polar opposites of me? 

"I'll keep you wild and free, you keep me calm and grounded."

Guess it makes sense. 

I just miss them. 

And I'm still totally petrified I'll lose someone else, side note. 

I really and truly can't go thru that again. Don't think I'd make it a third time.

I missed Jared's birthday. It was the 19th. 

Had he not gone completely over-analytical and crazy and jumped off a building, he would have been another year closer to his dreams of becoming a writer/director/actor.

*sigh*

He's sitting across from me now.

It's weird. 

Still mad at him.

While I'm trying to figure out how to just make films myself and do every fucking thing on my own, I'll be taking up Lisa Williams 8-week course in Mediumship.

I've got to wait for the scripts to be written. Got to figure so much out. Would still really like some help from someone for Kyle's stuff, the scripts and shit he left behind. 

But I don't want just anyone helping me with that. And I want it to kind of be a big deal.

...and that brings me to the separation between me and anyone who could help me make Kyle's shit a big deal.

The film industry isn't an office building where you can ask your manager or whatever for guidance and help to rise above. The film industry is an industry where no one gives a shit about someone that's been holding a temp job for 8 years and constantly asking for a raise. They just hold their heads high and walk past you while screaming "no autographs".

They all just want their promotion, their stories in all the company newsletters. They don't care about helping anyone behind them. Holding a hand out. 

I guess I'll have to change that.

One day.

At least all the people who have been the helping hand kind of people who have died are helping me.

That's a bonus.

A huge bonus.

Especially since I'm not being bent over a desk, or putting a dick in my mouth.

That's another funny part, too. All the people who would just ignore me or walk past me... I've been in the rooms with some of the same people they've been in. I've had big auditions and meetings at studios and stuff. 

I'd be sitting right next to them if I had been willing to get on my knees.

That's the funniest part.

I'd be in all their little movies and TV shows. I'd be at the tables at award shows, too.

I just refused to fuck and suck my way there. So, I'm here.

It's cool, don't believe me. Believe people like Thandie Newton and Rose McGowan who say very clearly what shit they've had happen to them. Or documentaries like 'An Open Secret'. Or Corey Feldman who states very clearly several places that the people who abused him are still working. 

There are people who have been in closed court cases because of stuff like I've experienced, and who talk about it and are completely brushed under the rug. But there's interviews and shit left and right on the radio and from documentaries that will never see the light of day because of the horrifying shit that people witnessed or testify to experiencing. 

I may not be a 'celebrity', but I sure as fuck know what it's like to have every producer or studio person try to fuck you at every turn. 

Believe that.

It's great that there's people out there that didn't happen to. But I wasn't so lucky.

I had one producer tell me once, "Well, you look like a porn star so this shouldn't be far fetched for you."

I've even had some very stupidly rattle off a list of names of people who have succumbed to their pressuring, male and female, then proceed to tell me "...you'll never have what they have!"

Probably herpes. So, I'm thankful. 

It use to break my heart. I use to drive home from the studios or the agent or casting office and just cry. Couldn't believe this was happening. Couldn't believe this is real. Couldn't believe it was so... Real. Really. And the more people I met, especially ones with great roles or whatever ... There was always, ALWAYS, someone somewhere they were sleeping with or dating or something. At the absolute very least, there was always someone just pretending to be with someone for their own benefit and 'sucking it up'.

It was inescapable. The only thing I ever wanted... So many sacrifices. And none as trivial or meaningless as time or money.

I didn't want to be where I am now. No, nothing is out of bitterness. It's just sad that according to some big deal people... I was good enough for the roles. Anyone was really, to an extent. The deciding factor, well, I was never willing to do. 

It's even more aggravating that 'people in power' like 'celebrities' know that exists, and STILL don't want to help the people out coming after them. 

I would want to save someone from the same shit I was met with.

Thank God for the Rose McGowans and stuff using a voice to say enough is enough. Being brave enough like Thandie Newton to tell their horrific 'casting couch' stories.

Once I stopped being upset about all the wonderful jobs that would surely lead to my 'dreams' that I turned down because of sex-related requirements, I got super angry for the girl that DID get the job. Not at her, but FOR her. 

That someone else actually was going to do what I didn't. And that people know that goes on, and it's okay? 

That someone is so broke and down on their luck that they are going to sign the dotted line and let two dudes cum on her face.

That makes me fucking sick, and angry. 

How dare anyone else do that to someone. Make that the 'only way'.

There was once a time at least people were honest about it, and they were in some sort of a relationship. Lil'Kim and Biggie are the only people who pop in my mind but that's music. 

There's even a band of women casting directors that require dudes to do some shit in MI to get cast in all the big movies that use to come here. I had a huge issue with them quite some time ago, the studio of a specific project got involved. I was on the phone with the execs and everything. "This will never happen again."

It happened again.

And again.

Not to me, but other people.

*le'sigh*

And those are the fates my amazing guides are protecting me from. 

"It's not about a job, it's about being able to sleep at night. Because at the end of the day, that's all that matters."

Damn right.

So, I just set up camp back here in Detroit. Hustling and busting my ass. Figuring out the team and the plan and learning and growing in a safe, protected environment. 

With my dead people friends. 

That's a blessing.

Now, I'm able to look at the people in the places I had opportunities to be and feel sorry. Deep in my heart sorry. 

Because I know that they can't even feel like a human being at this point.

And that breaks my heart for them.

Regardless how many millions they have, or how many places their face is, or how real their dreams are now...

...I'd never want any of it like that.

I pray for their peace. In their soul.

Because soul is all we have.

And once you sell that... It's hopeless. Millionaire, celebrity or not.

I don't even know what I was aiming to speak about. I just ranted.

Do good for others, & to others. Please. 

End rant.

PS- This song is my entire existence. Just, in life - So true tho...

'Here'

Peace & Love.

Thursday, September 24, 2015

A conversation with my Mom: I'm short.

Me: I got more sweatpants.
Mom: Those ugly ones from the men's section?
Me: Yep.
Mom: God. I don't know how you wear those. They make you look like you shit yourself. Like you have a poopy diaper.
Me: Hey asshole, they're super comfortable. 
Mom: I don't care. They're ugly.
Me: Good thing no one is forcing you to wear them.
Mom: I'd rather die.
Me: Well that's a fucking exaggeration.
Mom: No it isn't.
Me: You seem to also forget I don't have a torso. 
Mom: You don't have anything. No ears, no mouth, no legs, no torso, no arms. You'd think all that water you drink would eventually make something grow.
<Mom laughing hysterically>
Me: I'm vertically challenged. You're just lucky you're among the privileged, with height. 
Mom: My poor toddler adult. 
<Mom and more hysterical laughter>
Me: Fuck you. 
<louder laughter> 

XO

Shanghai (reeemixxx)

On a real, bitch, I'm a real bitch
I run around with them real bitches
Got real sons, I need a real sitter
When I leave boys they get real bitter

On a real, bitch, I'm a real bitch
I'm a run around with them real bitches
Roll upon ya, roll upon ya
Roll upon ya, roll upon ya

8 mil on that new thing, tied up like my shoe string
Ain't fucking with you bitch ninjas, and that's real rap but I do sing
Make room when I come by, ain't speaking, I'm dumb high
Just heard boys got jokes, it's a matter of time before one dies

'Cause them dudes out and them two's out, all sixes like school's out
Boys know when they talk slick that I'm winter fresh, they'll get chewed out
'Cause them dudes out and them two's out, all sixes like school's out
Boys know when they talk slick that I'm winter fresh, they'll get chewed out

Their shit ain't regular rich, so they end up in a ditch
I'm not a regular bitch, so when boys see me, they jump on my dick

He not a regular shooter, so when you see me, salute-a
Ain't got a knife in my hand, but I'm choppin' it up with some boys from Cuba

On a real, bitch, I'm a real bitch
I run around with them real bitches
Got real sons, I need a real sitter
When I leave boys they get real bitter

On a real, bitch, I'm a real bitch
I'm a run around with them real bitches
Roll upon ya, roll upon ya
Roll upon ya, roll upon ya

Ask Jay who he married, 80 thousand in Pari
Stadiums with Queen B and that selfie, got them aggy
These bitches is light-weight, I'm always at fight-weight
Wrist game is on ice skate, 'cause we move work through that Tri-State

'Cause them boys out, and them toys out, still banging that noise out
You could get it in the winter-time or that Mayweather like Floyd's out
'Cause them boys out, and them toys out, still banging that noise out
You could get it in the winter-time or that Mayweather like Floyd's out

All of these bitches in pocket, I'm 'bout to make a deposit
Tell 'em to go 'head and gossip, as long as your house is the size of my closet

Anybody I call, they picks up, even if they was gettin' they dicks up
These bitches don't make a mix-up, tell 'em boys go step they bricks up
Tell 'em boys go step they bricks up, (tell 'em boys go step they bricks up)

On a real, bitch, I'm a real bitch
I run around with them real bitches
Got real sons, I need a real sitter
When I leave boys they get real bitter

On a real, bitch, I'm a real bitch
I'm a run around with them real bitches
Roll upon ya, roll upon ya
Roll upon ya, roll upon ya

When we bang, bye
Pop pills, now we Shanghai
When we bang, bye
Pop pills, now we Shanghai
When we bang, bye
Pop pills, now we Shanghai
Shanghai, Shanghai, Shanghai
Shanghai, Shanghai, Shanghai
Shanghai, Shanghai, Shanghai
Shanghai, Shanghai, Shanghai
When we bang, bye
Pop pills, now we Shanghai, yeah
When we bang, bye
Pop pills, now we Shanghai, chea!



XO


* Don't do drugs *

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Heartwarming.

I was spending time today with a past-life soul friend of mine... It was well overdue.

She's in her late 40s, two beautiful kids. I've written about our falling out before I believe. She has been through hell and back, literally, tons of times in her life. 

We're both sensitive. We both get the vibes. We do the tarot and white light and dead people and secret and power of speech biznass. Before we knew we were past life friends. Or family members. 

She went to a medium she goes to regularly that told her. We already knew it, lol.

She's my heart. So are her kids. Her daughters father died, drugs- drinking and cars don't mix. Her daughter is a couple years younger than me. Her son is 7, his Dad is great to them. Treats her daughter like she's his. He's a weapon, actually. Trained and belted and certified so much in every martial art on the planet, he is literally a deadly weapon. 

I pulled up to her house today and her little boy was at the front door, ready to book it outside to me. He was at my door before I got out of my car, crying, climbing all over me. 

Her daughter was right behind him, tackle-hugged me. 

I look up and there's my friend standing on her porch, crying. 

Let it be said that out 'break' from each other was a pain break. A learning break. No one did anything malicious or mean or negative to anyone at all. Just life situations and some choices made on each other's parts caused some pain and learning that needed time to heal.

Both personally and in the friendships. 

Being too bold to apologize or call each other up when we were hurting or missing anyone. Being too prideful. All that crap.

We were talking when I finally got to bear hug and she said to me, "It was like a fucking divorce, April. The kids asking me, 'Where's April, Mom?' And I had to say, 'Well, honey, Mommy and April are taking time apart right now'." Haha!

A bit later, over coffee at her new house she was telling me about how she's been. She has MS, and she said, "April, seriously, if anything happens to me, please don't leave the kids. They don't have many good people in their lives. We don't have any family really, you and <human weapon> and <her best friend for the last 30 years> are our family. Please don't leave them."

"I would never."

"Please. I'll put it in my Will. I just... They love you so much, and if I can't be with them I know they'll be set with you guys in their lives."

"Absolutely. No doubt. You have my word."

We actually shook on it, & I told her to go ahead and put it in her Will just in case some of her crazy family decides to come in and say God knows what.

She's going to.

It just filled my heart up today. It really did.

I've always loved kids. I've always been excellent with kids. I'm always the favorite babysitter, the person they always want to see and hang out with, the person who treats them like a person - not like some ignorant child.

And I think that's why they seem to flock to me. 

I have fun. I will dance and sing and dress up, but I don't take any shit and they don't ever try it. I think it's because they respect that I respect them.

I don't have children of my own yet, but I've never ever told a child 'because I said so'. I'll give a legit reason. 

I'm not separate from the child I once was. Same human experience. Same body. I remember being a kid and feeling unheard and unseen. Being ignored and made to feel stupid and constantly 'a child'. I hated it. The only person that ever treated me like an equal, my entire life, was my Grandpa. And I always, always respected him for it.

Sure, some things they don't understand. They're babies or kids. But they're still human. They're not slaves, they're not punching bags, they're not stupid. Often times, kids are much much smarter than the adults. The adults just never take the time to know them, and discover that. 

And it's crazy too, how myself and my friend just have a different bond. I know her, she knows me. I say one word and she knows what I'm thinking, same the other way around. 

I guess it's good that if my heterosexual asexual/demisexual/sapiosexual ass never finds my soulmate and has kids, I've got children all over the place. 

I've had my friends kids ask me if I could be their Mom. Ask to live with me. Older ones say, "You're raising me over text better than my parents have" - it's weird, but good to know I'm doing good. Helping to put good things into the lives of kids. 

Little boys love me because I'm 'gross' and I don't care. I burp, I do cool shit like spin my arms all the way around. I can play basketball and video games, blah blah.

Little girls love me because - hello - I'm a girl. I do their hair and paint their nails. Talk about life and deep stuff, even with little girls, about having positive body images. They ask me stuff about my body or life experience and about confidence and what they should do... 'Girly' shit. 

The key really is, I believe, that they know I don't think they're some stupid kid. I know they're a kid, but I treat and talk to them like I would anyone else. Not stupid. 

And if I may be as bold to give a conclusion I've kind of come to - I believe it's society that ruins women. Society as a whole, as they age. Magazines, TV, all that shit. And the older men in families ruin the boys. Men ruin other men. They've just got to be manly and not cry and all that shit. Build a house with your bare hands and fuck every bitch bullshit. 

That's not the point of this, tho.

I love the love I felt today. And hopefully I was able to give it right back, ten fold.

No job or career in this world will be more heartwarming than having someone tell you they trust you with their everything by asking you to please stay with their children whenever it is they pass on to spirit. 

Makes me feel good, too, because that reminds me that I'm doing the right things in this world. I am/am on the right road to the person I want to be. 

The person someone would trust to leave their children with when they die. 

That's a quality person right there. 

...and I'm just humbled and grateful to be allowed back into this woman's life. There's a reason we keep meeting up in every lifetime, and it's beautiful. 

I got a new book course from Lisa Williams on helping me kind of tune in the shit I'm already doing and perfect and amplify it. So, we'll see what happens! 

I've been having this thing, why not try and perfect it so it's less confusing! Haha.

I've got some Tarot readings to do for some friends, then a script to review, and production meeting notes to make sure I write before my meeting tomorrow. Eek! Big things happening! 

XO

Friday, September 18, 2015

Spirit Guides: James Van Praagh

James Van Praagh on Spirit Guides, & why you have certain guides based on career and desires - how you choose them & so on. 


Thankful to have all my guides, that so many talented & legendary souls have chosen to help me on my journey. 

Over time, you absolutely DO get how to tune in and learn the energy of each and recognize and build a relationship. Especially when you call upon them, and they answer and show up. And begin to take an interest in your life, not just your career or whatever. 

Gratitude. So much gratitude. They've been showing up a ton today, so... Blessed. 

XO

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Networking gone wrong... Dundunduunnn

I don't know what got me around to thinking about this one stand-out incident I had with a 'famous person', but... It popped into my head today.

I feel compelled to share.

No, I won't be saying any names. I've come to the point in my life where - depending - that's inappropriate. With the laws of the universe as a whole, Karma and 'reaping what you soe' will certainly come back around to this person. 

That, and judging by the content of his character - and the tone of his life thus far - it already has. 

So... 

...I enjoy networking. 

I'm an actor. A producer. It's what social media really is for, in the business sense. 

I try and network with as many people (that I value, which is a slim number) as I can. Sometimes, in the best possibly outcome, it results in a connection. A contact. A phone call. A meeting. Friendship. 

And with good people? That's a win. Always wonderful to have truly good people on your side. Especially in this business we call a show. Because, sad but true, there's a very very small number of truly good people. 

So Internet. 

I was searching. Networking. And I found this guy. 

So I sent dude a message. Networking type. Dude sent me a message back. We began to chat on the interwebs. 

Decent chat. 

We chatted for awhile. Discussed the industry, industries, and after a bit he said, as we all hope when trying to do the networking/friendship building with folks, "You're really cool. Why don't you take my number and call me? If you're comfortable with that. I ask that you just please don't give my information out."

No problem. I hear that. 

I took it, and I called. 

He picked up, and it was like old friends. It actually was that person - no fake or phony account. Really was him. 

We talked and talked. First about business shit, then - as usual, because apparently it's a part of me being sensitive and shit - dude starts pouring his heart out. 

One thing I learned about 'famous' people, or 'celebrity' from him: They're insanely guarded. Living lives set up by other people. 

They never make friends. They can't, really. And when they do meet someone like myself, who truly doesn't give one shit about who they are - I just dig people and treat them like human beings - they latch on. 

Pour their hearts out. 

Because... Friends...? Don't have many. 

But, this guy was a douche too so... Let me get there. 

So after a couple weeks on the phone like buddies, calling me while he's on his plane flying places and with his equally wealthy and known family going to events and shit, this guy starts telling me stuff that someone in his position shouldn't EVER fucking tell ANYONE they don't know. 

Just, no. Ever. 

Deep, personal shit. That if I was a lesser human being, I could sell to any tabloid anywhere and be a fucking millionaire. 

I told him, "Dude, don't tell me this stuff."

"Why not? You're cool. I just need to talk to someone who is a normal fucking person, and treats me like a normal person."

"I hear that, I do. But you don't know me like that man. We haven't met face to face. We don't... Have that kind of bond."

"Damn... That's cold."

"No, it's not. I mean yeah you can tell me, I'll be here for you and I can be someone to talk to. Just... Be really fucking careful who you say this shit to dude. Someone could really fuck you with it."

"Whatever, anyways..."

And on he went.

On, and on, and on.

So, bit later, I was at a friends house. He calls. I answer. I put him on the phone with my friend, just for fun. They have an interesting chat. Hangs up. 

She looks at me and says (because she knows me), "You have a problem."

Oh no. I already knew.

"No."

"Yes. He was asking me what to buy you, or do for you, to get you to be his woman."

NOOOOOOOO.

NOT MY OBJECTIVEEEEEE.

WHY CANT WE JUST BE FRIENDSSSS?!

Story of my fucking life, & I hate it. 

No, I was not attracted to this dude. No, I did not want to be his 'woman'. No, I did not want any gifts or anything. Friends, that's all. 

I had made it crystal clear several times "it's cool that you're open to networking and friendship" and "it's nice that you're just friends with cool people" - I overused 'bro', 'dude', 'homie' & everything! 

I mean, I do anyways but I really made sure to get the point across that I wasn't interested like that. 

So later that night, he calls me. 

"Hey, I have this event I have to fly to. Would you be interested in going with me?"

Oh no. Truth? Yes, I would. It would have been an awesome opportunity for me. Amazing. BUT - No. Not when there's a hidden agenda. Which I know there was.

I said, "If I can have my own hotel room, then sure!"

There was a very cold pause. 

"Why would you need your own hotel room?"

"Because we're not dating."

"...not yet..."

Wow. Really?

"You need to come. This will be amazing for your career."

"No, see, we're not dating and we won't be. You're a friend. I'm not sure how clear I need to make that. & don't hold my career over my head, dude. I don't play this fuck-buddy shit."

He paused, and laughed. 

"It's fine, I don't want to deal with someone else there anyways. I'll have tons of work to do."

...what?? Okay, weirdo.

Another thing I learned? 'Famous' people, 'celebrity', most of them? Have never, ever, been told off. They have yes-men. People to yes them everywhere. Fans that hang on their every word. 

Under the professionalism and networking and film, I'm a street-smart woman from Detroit. Don't fuck with me, boy. 

Shit gets sour now.

He makes sure to call me from said place. Makes sure to tell me how I 'missed out' and "this would have been great for your career" and all kinds of shit. 

It turned into a flippant and backhanded demeaning type power struggle thing really quick when I wasn't really answering calls after that. This was pretty early in my networking game, so I wasn't as quick to pull the plugs myself. Am now, but wasn't always. He started showing off his shit. Suddenly, I'm hearing how much money was made here and shit he owns... Pictures of random shit and him with people... 

One night he texted me, like, 30 times in a row. No bullshit. "I just want to be with you" - "I don't talk to people like we talk" - "You're real" - "What do I have to do?"

I text him back, "Stop. Knock it off. I don't play this game. We are friends, and that is it. This just pushes women farther away. I am not someone you can buy, nor am I someone so desperate for a career that I will take anything someone 'famous' hands me. Get with it, or knock it off."

I get a phone call. 

I answer.

Before I can say anything, he says, "Don't ever attempt to call or contact me again. I will have my agent, manager, publicist, attorney aware of you and I will sue you and do legal shit you don't even know exists. Stay away from me."

Hangs up. 

...what in the fuck?! 

I get a text: "You're a fucking psychotic bitch."

I text him back: "You better watch your crazy, my friend. Don't forget who told who all that personal shit... Watch who the fuck you talk to like you ain't got no sense. Do this with some other people and they'd be calling People tomorrow. Stay gone."

That was that. 

End of the entire story. 

Fucking crazy, right?! 

That was the first time I was ever denied and made to look like the asshole for not wanting to basically fly around and fuck someone I don't fucking know. 

Like bro, can we meet up for coffee somewhere and keep it professional and maybe Skype or something dude? I don't give a fuck who you are, I don't know you - and you don't know me!

I'm not the famous one, and I'm the cautious one?! Okay. Makes sense?

That was the first in a, sadly, long line of 'famous' 'celebrity' men who met me under the business disguise and then got all pissy and turned into a whole different person when I didn't want to come back to their houses, or fly with them to Paris, or whatever. 

It's crazy how quick they've turned a conversation about business and say how they work points on a film to, "So you're single, right?"

I've always found it comical too that these people who are always treated like less than a person, who always have endless amounts of people flocking to them not for the human being they are - because of a brand they've been built up as - and they are forever seen as less than human... That they would treat someone else that way? Or, not appreciate me for seeing the human.

But, I've since had it pointed out to me, "Well they're always treated like less than human.. That's all they know. That's the only way they know how to treat other people."

I've also come to find this ponder comical: Everyone, in that position, seems to just despise 'fans'. They're sick of it. Tired. Can't stand it. Don't want to sign another autograph. Can't just be left alone. Complain about not being treated like a normal person. 

...until someone comes along who isn't a fan.

...who does treat them like a normal person.

Nothing special. You're a human, I'm a human. Let's have a normal human interaction. Friends? Awesome. Asshole? Fuck off.

Then? Then, they get angry because you're not a fan.

Because you're not throwing yourselves all over them.

Because they're so use to being yes'ed and shit. 

Because they are not use to hearing "No" or "No thanks", or being told the honest truth about anything. Even if they don't want to hear it.

Just... Comical. 

I've since gotten in touch with my intuition at a higher level, and since tossed all 'super-stardom' ambitions aside. So, I don't go for those bottom feeding type of people. 

Before it was, "Sure! Whoever'll sit down and talk to me! Whoever wants to be my friends &/or answer some questions!"

Now? I'm super selective. 

It's hard tho. To network in this industry.

I always say, any other profession? Easy. You can find someone to let you shadow them or someone to mentor you.

Film? Good fucking luck.

No one wants to talk or offer time or anything. 

Few do. Those few I am forever grateful for. The Holly's and Dave's of the world... I am forever grateful and thankful. Even Rose, who likes a picture of mine here and there and drops a comment once in awhile. That's a big deal for film networking and relationship building.

But really? To hopefully one day be able to sit down with someone more established and hope to have a true friendship - someone to ask the tough questions to, to give advice, to help you when you're stuck on a road they've already walked... 

John Cusack told a story before about how a big shot Hollywood actor let him stay with him when he was first in CA. Because, as the man had told him, "No one helps the kids anymore. I don't understand that."

Lucy did it, too. With several women around my age. Her thing was safety, too. To not just stay with anyone or in unsafe places. She kept in close contact with the ladies parents, too. Making sure they knew that Lucy was keeping their children safe. 

How long ago was that? 

Long time ago. 

& why does this seem to happen everywhere in music, but not in film?



Eminent is, clearly, forever grateful for what Dre did for him. Just listen to Em's lyrics here:


...I know it's often times not necessarily the safest thing, but I mean what about even just meetings? Coffee? The normal 'getting to know you' process any human on earth goes thru?

There have been a lot of bad apples that have ruined it for the normal people, I guess.

I've since totally given up on the networking hopes tho. Still make my moves, but... It's whatever. 

I know they don't operate on people to people anymore. Helping and being there for someone else's struggle or being a sounding board and able to just be a friend or whatever isn't on anyone's to-do list. 

So, whatever. I'm just gonna do me. As I have been anyways. 

And the funniest thing?

"Be to others what no one was to you."

I will.

In a safe way. I will.

Because if you want something done, do it yourself. 

Because once I am where I need advice and a little help clearing the road to get where I need to get to.. I won't need it anymore. 

Because what the hell is the point of 'being friends' with someone who now only wants to be friends with you and talk to you because you now seem to sit at the same rank they do? Or one they approve of?

Because isn't that like someone only wanting to talk to someone because they are so-n-so anyways? In a reverse kind of way?

Why would I sit down with someone who now suddenly acknowledges my existence because I'm somewhere I wasn't before?

That's backwards and weird to me.

And totally meaningless. 

I'm a human being who take part in fucking with other human beings who acknowledge other human beings. 

There is no job, status, or amount of money in anyone's bank account that would ever make me favor sitting with them above someone else.

Just... No.

I don't get it. 

Again, I'm a young woman here I'm not an idiot. Generally, because of my age and because I'm a woman in less likely to be seen as a threat. I can't lie, I would meet with a group of teenage girls or women before I would meet some random dude somewhere. Regardless of age. The world just doesn't have it together for women and our safety like that right now.

Common sense tho.

But yeah...

...I don't get it.

I don't have to get it. 

It's not something I lose sleep over, just a thought since this occourance with douche #1 popped into my head.

In other actually relevant news: 

I hear some woman whispering in my room last night. For a solid, like, 4 seconds. 

Scared the holy shit out of me.

Couldn't get what she was saying. Lot of 's' words. 'She', speaking of me a lot I think.

*shrug*

Anyways... I'm out. 

Just had to drop a series of thoughts.

XO