There comes a time sometimes when you have to make some real decisions. I'm not someone to sit back and be fucked, really I'm not, but I kind of have been.
Being polite or just shrugging it off altogether. Or coming up with excuses to save someone's ass that I have to give to marketing people or PR folks or distributors. Media rings, whatever.
None of it the truth. Which has always been hard. If I'd spoken about any aspect of truth, it was much later and once it was all over.
So, after receiving tons of messages and emails and calls even regarding the fact that this film wasn't ready and people questioning me and shit, basically another time someone put me and my career in limbo because they've changed their mind and decided not to do things...
I am done having to deal with the consequences of other people's decisions.
After much deliberation I decided that, without giving all of their names, I was going to explain it all. What had been happening this time and every other time. Because I'm not saving anyone else's ass anymore. Not saving the asses of people who keep putting me in these situations. No. Time to save my own ass for once.
So, I did.
And I would lie if I said that in the last two days the growing amount of emails and questions and inquiries and accusations thrown at me, again, because people chose to vacate all prior agreements and responsibilities hasn't pissed me off. With every contact I got more and more angry.
This shit. Again. Now I'm left to handle it? Again? No. Not again, friends. Not again.
I posted a long thing on Instagram which is really a blanket statement explaining everyone and everything that's been putting me in these situations. Was it popular? Haha, no. Do I care? Haha, nope.
No negativity, no ill will, it's just time I said the truth and covered my own ass. Because now, I'm the one looking like an idiot and made to seem like the one who is incompetent. And I'm the only one who has their shit together. Not going to let the people I turned to for help marketing and everything else think this is my fault. Because it's fucking not. And I'm done with that being the false reality.
Professional people get it. The people I deal with via marketing and actual business messaged or emailed or called once they saw it and apologized. They told me some stories of woe. They understood. I asked a couple, "So I wasn't wrong?" They all said, "Hell no. This is a business. If you wanna keep working on it, and keep connections, don't take responsibility for anyone's fuck ups. You've already gone long enough doing that. Stop. Don't ever do it again."
Personally? People not in business? Oh, it was harsh and attacking blah blah.
Didn't say everyone's names. Wasn't personally attacking anyone. Just generic for everyone, and so people understand it's not me fucking it all up. I'm done taking responsibility for anyone else, and sitting back having people ask me questions about why something isn't somewhere or why they aren't doing this or why they can't finish or people getting mad at me for shit I didn't have anything to do with the failure of.
From now on, I'm pointing the finger where it fucking belongs. "No clue. Here's their number, call them and ask them."
It's time I tell the truth. Not cover for everyone to big people who agreed to help them and now I'm dealing with the questions because they don't want to or can't handle it or whatever. Nope! Done!
Don't want people to know why you're gone or fucked up? Then don't fuck up. Because I'm telling the truth to anyone who is involved and asks. I'm done looking like the one asshole. Nope! Not anymore!
Am I sorry? Nope. Not at all.
I feel like I finally took my power back, after so so long.
I also deeply understand (at a depth I didn't before) Lucy. 'She was mean, she was nasty, she was a bitch.' No, she wasn't. She just had to stand for herself or she would get trampled. I always knew that, but now I deeply understand it.
Everything happens for a reason. I'm not mad at any of them either. I'm truly not. I shouldn't have trusted anyone I guess. And I've learned this new lesson now... Cover my own ass, no one else's.
Unless we're married or something, haha.
I have reached a new level of no fucks to give, and I am actually really thankful for it. I have them to thank. Seriously. Because I can't cover for everyone. It's not good for me, and my reputation in this business with the connections I have (which is now in good standing again thank god).
When you say nothing and do nothing, you get trampled. When you speak up, you're a bitch.
Sorry not sorry.
Everyone's cool with someone covering everyone else's ass left and right, saving face for them while taking the shit yourself... But when you decide no more and to stand up for you? Oh. People don't like that. For some reason, suddenly, you're then a totally different person.
If defending myself means I'm suddenly a bitch, then so be it. Because I'm done.
Do no harm... But take no shit. And I've took more heat over the years than I care to because of this shit. But in film, you also can't afford to just pass everyone up. You have to take chances and believe people to some extent. Just... I'm done now. And I believe anyone of sound mind that can remove a personal opinion can totally and completely understand that.
And it seems that a sad reality that is a thread among every person that has fucked me over was the people in their lives. When they sit and meet with me, every last one of them say "this is my dream" and swear up and down "this is my life" - "I'm dedicating myself to this" - "thank you so much for helping me finally make something of myself and my dreams". Then, as is anything, the hard times come. They're tough, there's hurdles to climb (like marketing when you've never marketed before, deadlines is the biggest one with every single person) and guess what? Everyone that is in their lives that is supposed to be their friends, spouses, girlfriends, best friends... They all support their toxic decisions. They support the self doubts and the stress and anxiety. Not one single one of them has ever stood to the person and done what I would think a normal thing and slap them with self esteem. You know? Like, "No! This is what you've always wanted to do! Times are hard but you can do this! I know you can!" Or, "I won't let you sit and wallow about not doing this! You can do it!"
And that's a fucking shame.
The very first film where everyone backed out, the guy was sitting basically crying to me and saying "I've saved for years for this movie, this is finally it" then nope! People saying this and pulling him back and putting doubt in him. And he pulled all the way out.
Fucking insane. I just don't get it.
I feel more sorry for these people than anything.
But just because that's someone else's reality doesn't mean it's mine, and I'm sick of being stuck in that limbo. Going out on a limb for all of them only to be the one looking like as asshole because they make completely bullshit excuses then disappear, leaving me to take all the anger and upset and shit from everyone.
I can't tell you how many business calls I've been on even in the last two days now, again, having to save face for the newest people to do this. So they can say what they want about my honesty, I said it out loud to basically everyone's face like one should, and I have been doing constant damage control on their behalf. And I'm sick of that.
And if finally taking a stand for myself and explaining/bitching what was happening and has kept happening to me somehow erases all the good I've done and the good person I have always been? So be it.
One person can only take so much. Seriously. And everyone who has been on the personal side of my struggles has been super proud of me for finally calling it what it is. Letting it out and having my voice (as apparently offensive as it is/was) be heard.
Will I ever have to say any of this again? No. Will this ever be an issue again? No. Because I will never let it happen again. Never, ever again.
(This blog's current mood: http://youtu.be/VU_pYSYqtHI )
In love and light, of course.
Happy Halloween!! Stay away from Ouija boards!!