Saturday, October 31, 2015

#sorrynotsorry

Oh, life. What a joy.

There comes a time sometimes when you have to make some real decisions. I'm not someone to sit back and be fucked, really I'm not, but I kind of have been. 

Being polite or just shrugging it off altogether. Or coming up with excuses to save someone's ass that I have to give to marketing people or PR folks or distributors. Media rings, whatever. 

None of it the truth. Which has always been hard. If I'd spoken about any aspect of truth, it was much later and once it was all over.

So, after receiving tons of messages and emails and calls even regarding the fact that this film wasn't ready and people questioning me and shit, basically another time someone put me and my career in limbo because they've changed their mind and decided not to do things... 

Not again.

I am done having to deal with the consequences of other people's decisions. 

After much deliberation I decided that, without giving all of their names, I was going to explain it all. What had been happening this time and every other time. Because I'm not saving anyone else's ass anymore. Not saving the asses of people who keep putting me in these situations. No. Time to save my own ass for once. 

So, I did. 

And I would lie if I said that in the last two days the growing amount of emails and questions and inquiries and accusations thrown at me, again, because people chose to vacate all prior agreements and responsibilities hasn't pissed me off. With every contact I got more and more angry. 

This shit. Again. Now I'm left to handle it? Again? No. Not again, friends. Not again.

I posted a long thing on Instagram which is really a blanket statement explaining everyone and everything that's been putting me in these situations. Was it popular? Haha, no. Do I care? Haha, nope.

No negativity, no ill will, it's just time I said the truth and covered my own ass. Because now, I'm the one looking like an idiot and made to seem like the one who is incompetent. And I'm the only one who has their shit together. Not going to let the people I turned to for help marketing and everything else think this is my fault. Because it's fucking not. And I'm done with that being the false reality. 

Professional people get it. The people I deal with via marketing and actual business messaged or emailed or called once they saw it and apologized. They told me some stories of woe. They understood. I asked a couple, "So I wasn't wrong?" They all said, "Hell no. This is a business. If you wanna keep working on it, and keep connections, don't take responsibility for anyone's fuck ups. You've already gone long enough doing that. Stop. Don't ever do it again."

Personally? People not in business? Oh, it was harsh and attacking blah blah. 

Didn't say everyone's names. Wasn't personally attacking anyone. Just generic for everyone, and so people understand it's not me fucking it all up. I'm done taking responsibility for anyone else, and sitting back having people ask me questions about why something isn't somewhere or why they aren't doing this or why they can't finish or people getting mad at me for shit I didn't have anything to do with the failure of. 

From now on, I'm pointing the finger where it fucking belongs. "No clue. Here's their number, call them and ask them." 

It's time I tell the truth. Not cover for everyone to big people who agreed to help them and now I'm dealing with the questions because they don't want to or can't handle it or whatever. Nope! Done! 

Don't want people to know why you're gone or fucked up? Then don't fuck up. Because I'm telling the truth to anyone who is involved and asks. I'm done looking like the one asshole. Nope! Not anymore!

Am I sorry? Nope. Not at all. 

I feel like I finally took my power back, after so so long.

I also deeply understand (at a depth I didn't before) Lucy. 'She was mean, she was nasty, she was a bitch.' No, she wasn't. She just had to stand for herself or she would get trampled. I always knew that, but now I deeply understand it. 

Everything happens for a reason. I'm not mad at any of them either. I'm truly not. I shouldn't have trusted anyone I guess. And I've learned this new lesson now... Cover my own ass, no one else's. 

Unless we're married or something, haha.

I have reached a new level of no fucks to give, and I am actually really thankful for it. I have them to thank. Seriously. Because I can't cover for everyone. It's not good for me, and my reputation in this business with the connections I have (which is now in good standing again thank god). 

When you say nothing and do nothing, you get trampled. When you speak up, you're a bitch. 

*shrug*

Sorry not sorry. 

Everyone's cool with someone covering everyone else's ass left and right, saving face for them while taking the shit yourself... But when you decide no more and to stand up for you? Oh. People don't like that. For some reason, suddenly, you're then a totally different person. 

If defending myself means I'm suddenly a bitch, then so be it. Because I'm done. 

Do no harm... But take no shit. And I've took more heat over the years than I care to because of this shit. But in film, you also can't afford to just pass everyone up. You have to take chances and believe people to some extent. Just... I'm done now. And I believe anyone of sound mind that can remove a personal opinion can totally and completely understand that. 

And it seems that a sad reality that is a thread among every person that has fucked me over was the people in their lives. When they sit and meet with me, every last one of them say "this is my dream" and swear up and down "this is my life" - "I'm dedicating myself to this" - "thank you so much for helping me finally make something of myself and my dreams". Then, as is anything, the hard times come. They're tough, there's  hurdles to climb (like marketing when you've never marketed before, deadlines is the biggest one with every single person) and guess what? Everyone that is in their lives that is supposed to be their friends, spouses, girlfriends, best friends... They all support their toxic decisions. They support the self doubts and the stress and anxiety. Not one single one of them has ever stood to the person and done what I would think a normal thing and slap them with self esteem. You know? Like, "No! This is what you've always wanted to do! Times are hard but you can do this! I know you can!" Or, "I won't let you sit and wallow about not doing this! You can do it!" 

No one. 

And that's a fucking shame. 

The very first film where everyone backed out, the guy was sitting basically crying to me and saying "I've saved for years for this movie, this is finally it" then nope! People saying this and pulling him back and putting doubt in him. And he pulled all the way out. 

Fucking insane. I just don't get it. 

I feel more sorry for these people than anything. 

But just because that's someone else's reality doesn't mean it's mine, and I'm sick of being stuck in that limbo. Going out on a limb for all of them only to be the one looking like as asshole because they make completely bullshit excuses then disappear, leaving me to take all the anger and upset and shit from everyone. 

I can't tell you how many business calls I've been on even in the last two days now, again, having to save face for the newest people to do this. So they can say what they want about my honesty, I said it out loud to basically everyone's face like one should, and I have been doing constant damage control on their behalf. And I'm sick of that. 

And if finally taking a stand for myself and explaining/bitching what was happening and has kept happening to me somehow erases all the good I've done and the good person I have always been? So be it. 

One person can only take so much. Seriously. And everyone who has been on the personal side of my struggles has been super proud of me for finally calling it what it is. Letting it out and having my voice (as apparently offensive as it is/was) be heard. 

Will I ever have to say any of this again? No. Will this ever be an issue again? No. Because I will never let it happen again. Never, ever again. 

(This blog's current mood: http://youtu.be/VU_pYSYqtHI )

In love and light, of course. 

Happy Halloween!! Stay away from Ouija boards!! 

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

I've done all I can do.

All those plans that were told to me and agreed upon for the new way of the film company? The guy was gonna write and then I would make them and he was super stoked to write and shit? He was so excited and this was the final plan?

... I provide a portion of the email ... 


What he won't say is that he just can't stick to deadlines or stick to his word. Which is the common thread among everyone when I try to plan marketing and set things in stone according to mutual agreements. 

But, as I've told him, I appreciate him telling me and being honest. 

Square one. Yet again. 

*sigh*

I can't write. I can't. I have a couple things but they're all too big budget, and I have this ADD block when I try to write smaller easier shit.

And I know I can't do it alone. I can't. No film can be made just one person. There's so much to it. 

I don't know anymore. 

At least I can say that I fucking tried. I tried and I busted my ass all over the fucking globe. In California, in Chicago, in New York... I fucking tried. 

I contacted everyone I could possibly find. I reached out to every production company and agent that exists. I emailed and called and mailed and literally did everything one human being can possibly do. 

I really, truly did. 

At least I can be at peace knowing that. 

As it stands... I'm nowhere specific. Every plan and promise and agreement and guarantee has been ripped out from under me. 

Again.

This specifically has nothing to do with any secret or manifestation. I know that. Because I've done it all correctly. This right here is fate. And I can't understand why no matter who I reach out to or how hard I try and the work I put into everything and the times I try and try and do anyways and so on... Why it always ends like this. 

I don't understand. 

I really and truly don't. 

I'm upset. I'm disappointed. I'm lost. I'm frustrated. I'm... I don't even know. 

Oh well. 

Surrender. 

I keep this on repeat for awhile:

"When you've worked as hard, 
and done as much,
and strived,
and tried,
and given,
and pled,
and bargained,
and hoped...
...Surrender.

When you have done all that you can do,
and there's nothing left for you to do...
Give it up."

I surrender. 

Totally and completely. 

I've done all that I can. 

That's all I can do. 

Monday, October 26, 2015

Blah Blah Blah, pt. 4,286

What's good?

Well, my grandma saga is continuing. I'm telling you, grandparents fucking love me. I've had a couple grandmothers come by, only one has reviled her identity and one other one is mine. 

I was in meditation today and started hearing that 'I'm proud' again, so I know who this is. Then I saw this person I've been trying to network with (grandmother is theirs) sitting in a chair. I'm like, 'Okay...' then, CRACK, someone really smacked this person hard across their face. And this person just sat there and took it.

I heard, "I'm so sorry". Don't know if it was grandma smacking this person, or someone else. Don't know if it was her apologizing for herself, or someone else. More so, I don't know if person I saw was representative of that actual person or this person's parent. 

She also kicked my bathroom door closed and told me not to pee with the door open (my grandma could care less, she raised me she knows how I do's it). 

I think she baked a lot..? That may be someone else's grandma, but I saw a woman in a kitchen wiping her hands on a half apron tied around her waist. 

Whatever! 

Miss M wanted to have a 'good old-fashioned sleep-over' last night. Didn't know what to do with that really so just welcomed her to whatever and went about my way. 

Mama L has been everywhere. As usual. She hates most of my music, FYI. Dubs is usually the only one that comes in and gives me comical renditions to my shit. The other day, I got a snap of him with that doll-type thing you can put over your face on snapchat while he sung 'cool for the summer'. Just, yes. That man cracks me the fuck up.

Had a deep epiphany. It's far too long and drawn out to type, but... Deep. In a nutshell, positive selfishness is sometimes the only way to reach the best most abundant life for yourself and everyone else. 

Had a confirmation on a past life of mine. Really interesting. So many fun facts the world sends your way, it's really cool when you start paying them attention. 

There's one place I really want to go, and I really need to go, but I don't know that I ever can. It's not really open to the public, I think it's privately owned now, but... I know it would close some past-life doors. I just don't think I can. I've blocked out a lot of stuff that I just don't want to know or can't... And I don't think I'm strong enough. I would need to have some type of support system present with me that I'm not sure exists in human form in this world right now. Kyle and Jared killed themselves, so... Shit outta luck as far as that 'support' goes right now.

And I still can't speak about it yet. Haven't said the words to anyone but myself. I may want to speak it publicly before I go and bring up old shit. Literally. 

I really need to go to Salem. That will be crazy, I know it, but that I feel I can do now. Jared would have been all about it. "Yeah let's go, let's figure this out" and would probably write a movie about it all afterwards. Or document the damn thing.

Man, I miss those guys. 

Filming the little thing about Kyle and his suicide with his Mom sometime this week. That'll be... Upsetting. But hopefully, my point is to show a side of suicide that most never see. The kind of 'scared straight' of suicide awareness things.

Got some of Kyle's scripts I've been trying to work on and transfer to script format. Fucking'A. Help! Someone! I mean I have help but not the help that I want. Meaning... Almost no one gets suicide. Survivors and people who have attempted. Really. And I want someone to help me that isn't just a film person. Someone who fucking understands depression and suicide and suicidal thoughts, and just... Gets it. Would get Kyle, and would care about it deeper than just getting a script done. Who is as talented as Kyle and can actually write scripts and - just gives a shit. Beyond film. About memorializing a young man who dreamt of being a filmmaker but killed himself before he ever got a real chance. 

That's super important to me. To have help from people like that. 

But, those people don't just fall out of trees. 

I hold high standards and won't settle!

Working on some new videos for my channel. Tossing around ideas, laying out some solid blueprint and just going with it (also finding enough people and shit to do with it) is a little time consuming. But I think I can do it. 

Correction: I know I can.

:) 

...& so can you. Do whatever it is (in positivity, love and peace to all) your heart desires. 

The world is yours. 

Magic is real. 

Create your reality. 

You can.

(In peace, love and positivity.)

XO

Sunday, October 25, 2015

News.

Film news:

My friend Meghan has an amazing original short story we're talking about making into a short film. More artsy and awareness raising than movie. It will be epic and beautiful. 

Spirit news:

Had a dream about a family in the hurricane. Some big family has a little boy that's about 10-13 that they think is dead, but isn't. He crawled into some type of cubby or vent crawl space to hide and is just lost now. 

Sad. How do I pass that along? Yep, let me narrow that down. 

Trying to sleep, and saw some dead dude all broken and bloody hobbling up my stairs screaming for help. 

Excuse me... We don't do that kind of spirit interaction after sunset. 

Person I tried to network with's Grandma is really taking a liking to me, and isn't going anywhere. 

Really insanely insistent that I pass along how proud she is of her grandchild. 

"I am so proud of X."
"Okay."
"I am SO - so, so, so proud of X."
"...okay..."
"I really, really am."
"Okay, so you go tell'em
"They can't hear me."
"I'm not doing that again. I'm not even 100% they're getting what I already sent, and I don't want to look totally and completely crazy."
"Please?"
"You do it."

I gave instructions of how to try and infiltrate their dream lair. Hopefully that works. 

Fingers crossed. 

Human news:

I hate drunk people. I really, truly do. 

Genuinely. I do. 

The movie Magic Mike XXL is useless. Don't waste any money. Friend insisted I watch it, I was extremely disappointed. Not a good plot line anyways, no matter what, just looking for some sexy dances. 

...best part is at the very end. That's it. 

Everything else? Why. Just a series of unexplained tragedies - for the audience. 

That 'Cookie' song is A+ tho. 

Spiritual news: 

Meditated in a treehouse today. 

Made a discovery... I need a treehouse. 

In a big bad way.

I would spend more time in the treehouse than anything else. 

I forgot how magical they are. So beautiful. 

Sat by my river today, too. On the beautiful pier. What blessings, really. So many blessings. 

I interrupt to remind you how much I hate drunk people. Want to punch them in the face. It's hard to understand I was once like that. Well, no I wasn't because all I did was dance and strip and make out with whoever was around and/or fight people...

...thank God for sobriety. 

Can I get an Amen.

(Amen!)

Binaural beats, more meditation, maybe put some of this short story into a script format & then bed. 

XO

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Signs: I saw the sign.

Allow me to explain signs. 

I'll use an example from my life right now.

So, Elvis.

...who I'm having an extremely tough time coming up with a nickname for...

Never gave one shit about him. Don't watch his stuff. Know of him, that's about it.

Don't think about him, don't have anything he's done. Nothing. 

I'm watching a video of Lisa Williams during my mediumship workshop where she mentioned she ran into his ghost once. 

I'm like "Oh." That's it. Continue watching video. No 'ping' went off. 

Couple days later:

I see two Elvis photos at different times of the day go past my Instagram feed. Which never, ever, happens. 

Hmm. 

Couple days later:

I see some woman with an Elvis purse. 

Someone has an Elvis ringtone.

There's an Elvis license plate.

...hmm...

Couple days later:

Friend calls to tell me she's on vacation and going to see his house.

...hmm...

Next day:

Another Elvis photo spotted by me unintentionally out in public.

Next day:

I walk past a group of people at the mall talking about Elvis.

Later that day:

In the bathroom, brushing my teeth, and suddenly I feel like someone just walked into my space. Like if someone stands too close to you in line somewhere. Instantly knew it was a man, and he was just watching me. 

Go turn on the TV...

...an Elvis movie.

Well then.

Now, I'm paying attention.

Next day:

Friend sends me tons of photos, randomly, didn't ask for them, from Elvis's house. 

Later that day:

Dad calls me. "Hey, did you do something with my 'Spinout' DVD when you were over yesterday?"

"...No. What the hell is that?"

"My Elvis movie."

.......

.....

Well then. 

You have my attention, sir. 

...& that, my friends, is what signs are. 

If you pay attention to them and know what signs are, they flood you. 

I don't understand why this dude is flooding me, but, I will investigate. 

More like I just openly and verbally have now acknowledged that I see the signs. So, now, because I know how I work best, I wait for a dream or some clairaudient message. 

Because... Why? 

Well I guess it's the same answer it usually is. They want to help. And obviously, Lucy is letting him in or else there would be no way. 

I've been simultaneously getting the same types of Lucy signs also. Which is nothing unusual, she's always everywhere. But lately they've been in an unusually high volume. 

I don't have a clear understanding, but... I've been hearing an insane amount of songs from the 'Dirty Dancing' soundtrack too. I already know what that means. Seen my homie P. Swayz sitting in a chair as I minded my damn business strolling along in the store, while a song played overhead. He's lounging. He says, "I know you see me, kid."

I ignored him and answered in my head. Public place. 

I keep remembering what my medium friend told me: "So what if you can't get anyone alive and in the industry to help you. You can ask for anyone's help that is in spirit. If they want to help you, they will. Network with spirit. They'll actually answer you."

True. 

I have a hard time asking for people, tho. 

The same stuff that's happening with Elvis is usually what ends up happening right before I meet a new guide. 

In that one dream I had with Lucy oh so long ago where she was holding a business meeting about my life with spirit, I don't recall seeing any of these people there. But, there were so many people I couldn't pick anyone out but her anyways. 

I'm told when people meet me, they feel it. In person, it's just like I come with a presence. I just seem to have some force...

...Haha. That's just the army of dead people managing my life. Some familiar faces, some not. Led by Mama Lucy. 

I can honestly say that never did I think I'd experience all these weird yet awesome things. 

I love my life. 

Let's keep making movies, you beautiful motherfuckers! 

("What's the matter with you?! Can't you use any other words besides curse words?"

"...Sorry."

"No you're not."

"No, I'm not.")

What signs are coming up in your life?

Acknowledge them. Follow them in positivity, peace and kindness. Be astounded by the places they lead you.

Peace and Love.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Real Ghost Stories

Because why the hell not. Tis the season, right?! 

First, I feel it's important to give a big public service announcement:

I am not a professional medium. I am just a sensitive, I guess, who is best with clairaudience and clairsentience. I get visions also. I didn't ask for this. I didn't work to make it all start happening. I don't so seances, and I won't ever touch a Ouija board. 

What happens to me is apparently something I'm just more inclined to be connected with than most people. Everyone can do it. But, key is, you have to be open. Others want it gone, like me and seeing energy. That I couldn't handle. My friend Rachel is clairvoyant, and worked her entire life to make it go away. She's 29 and just stopped seeing dead people. Finally. And she's more relieved than ever. 

I know it's the season to pull out Ouija boards and try and contact the dead... But here's a HUGE warning: DON'T.

People don't understand that what they think about, they bring about, in absolutely every sense of the word. All it takes is an interest in some scary shit. Doesn't matter how scared you are - there are bad spirits, and they do truly feed off your fear.

Fun Fact: Most depressed people have negative, bad, low-vibrating ghosts or yes even demons attached to them. They may not have asked for it, but it's the vibration they're living in. So, they come and quite literally suck you dry emotionally. 

Ouija boards, some say, are harmless. To each their own, but what I know to be true and from professional mediums I know personally - all bad. 

People don't understand that just intending to have a door open to spirit leaves everyone, and everything, free to use whatever medium they chose to enter your life. 

Angels don't come to you through Ouija boards. Bad shit does. 

So opening that door to whoever, it's like some weird portal thing that I don't quite understand deeply enough to properly explain, but please - know your intentions can and often do bring about bad things. Bad beings and spirits.

If you want to go look into black magic? Get ready for your life to be ruined. Want to try to summon or talk to bad shit and scary shit or murdered people and murders or whatever is in some random ass house? Fucking good luck. Bathe in Holy Water after. Not kidding. 

All it ever, EVER takes is the intention. 

If you do plan on doing some weird and fun Halloween type stuff, please be safe. Just go to some fake haunted houses. If you want to respectfully walk around a graveyard, still safer than Ouija boards and seances. Even if you don't believe it, ask Archangel Michael to protect you first. To be with you. Carry a clear Quartz. Sheild yourself and your energy. 

Trust me when I say you'll regret it if you don't and something decides to follow you home. 

A Ouija warning video (just to push my point home, ya know): http://youtu.be/1KzLNrAJRY8

Anyways! 

So, the most terrifying things I've personally experienced. In no particular order:

Shadow Man
The first negative spirit I ever encountered. So terrifying it sent me straight to a medium for my first reading and subsequent explanation of what was happening to me (via mediumship). 

I was having a dream (as I usually do with spirit, easier to connect fluidly) with Lucy. We were just hugging and talking. Then this enormous shadow shaped like a man grabbed me and violently pulled me away.

I shot out of my sleep and there he was. Ceiling to floor, solid black, standing and looming by my bedside. 

I was more terrified than I had ever been. It was negative and evil and horrifying. It sent ice cold fear through me... It was bad. 

That was when I got so scared I shut all of my gift down completely. Locked all the doors and barred them up. To this day I still haven't been able to see or hear spirit like I did before then. 

Crawling Dude
One night I watched some super skinny/stick figure looking person crawl all broken up my wall. A black shadow, scaling my wall as horrifyingly as that girl came down the stairs in The Exorcist. 

This was after Shadow Man, so I wasn't scared and knew what to do to protect myself (call on Angels, white light yourself). 

Just went away.

White Grim Reaper
It was in a dream, or between dreamland and my body. I was coming back to my body about to wake up in a dream and I saw a white grim reaper standing in the corner of my room.

Didn't look at me, didn't move or address me. But I went up to it and screamed at it to get out and it wasn't welcome and called all the Angels.

Didn't feel terrified when I woke up, so it was probably just a random visit? Apparently that means an end to some old life or habit or struggle, and moving onto some new life so to speak. 

But please know this wasn't some figure of some weird dreamland. It was very real, and very present in my actual life (those who have watched themselves rise out of their bodies and return will know what I mean).

Manson Murders
All it takes is an intention, an interest, or a curiosity. 

Back on that podcast I use to appear on from time to time, we did a review of the Manson Murders documentary. Some different coverage and discussion of it (it's a horror podcast). 

I regretted it. 

Tried to go to sleep that night, and in the space between awake and sleep I heard blood curdling screams. Saw flashes of blood, someone running outside, men screaming for people to 'shut the fuck' up, 'Help Me's, more screaming, sounds of stabbing... Fucking horrible.

The first set of screaming got me out of bed so fast it astounded even myself. Tried to go back to bed later, continued. Went on for a couple hours until the Angels cleared all that energy I accidentally asked to join me that evening.

Absolutely fucking horrifying, and heartbreaking. To this day, just thinking about it rattles me. How anyone could do that to anyone... Those poor, poor people. God, it breaks my fucking heart. 

Toothless/Eyeless Girl
I was laying in bed, minding my own business, typing on this here blog when I see some girl lean her head into my doorway. 

She had huge black holes where her eyes should be, and had a gaping black toothless smile. 

Again, spirit usually brings you their energy if they want you scared and stuff - but she didn't. She was like maybe teen aged and thought it was funny. "Let's scare the girl who can see us."

Nice try, but no. Goodbye. 

Growling
Before I ever really 100% believed any of this and did this on the semi-regular, I was maybe 14. Dealing with crippling depression and horrifying self injury.

I was in my room, alone, in my parents house on the computer.  Lights on, middle of the day.

Out of nowhere, doing nothing scary at all, I had this deep urge to literally run from my room. 

I ignored it, then heard very deep, very low growling behind me. 

I booked it.

Once I passed the threshold that separated my doorway from the other room, I felt 400% safe. 

With what I know/see/hear now, I can tell you that that thing must have followed me around the entire time I was in depression and addiction. Until I got with my Angels and was spiritually (via angel intervention) saved. 

Past Life Murder
There's nothing like experiencing your own murder. That's all I'll say about that, since I'm not comfortable specifying yet. If you've read any other posts about it here, or where I started discovering that specific past life, you may be able to figure it out yourself. 

That was/is actually, if I had to rate, the most terrifying thing I've dealt with yet. 

Well, that's it folks!!

I've been dealing with this seeing/hearing stuff in a real way since I was 21 (my birthday actually) and that's all! 

To put in a good word for my spirit friends and Angels, it's not all bad. It really isn't. The overwhelming majority are love and light beings. Just Angels and your grandparents or friends in spirit who love you and want you safe and happy.

Angels protect you always. Know that. They really and truly do. I didn't believe it until I saw it myself, and it's real. Believe it or not - just ask for angels to be with you, any time, any place, for any reason, and they are. 

My interactions with good beings; light and love and Angels and spirit guides, has been constant and prevalent. Way more so than any bad thing. 

As my medium friend told me: There is no way for darkness to exist when you're full of love and light. Period. In the spirit world, or the human one. 

So just know that. 

One day I really want to make a film that's a really good story and really intriguing about the reality of spirit and ghosts. One day. Be on the lookout. 

(I mean really it wouldn't be a big budget at all and it's easy to market and I have a distributor it's just ironing the script and maybe getting someone involved with some kind of name for the smaller part and yeah I might have it already half written and cast and location scouted and ready to go so I'm just stuck but... so yeaaahhh...)

It's the shit.

Anyways - love and light! 

Be good to others. Treat others how you'd like to be treated. Spread love and kindness. 

& don't eat too much candy (seriously I'll help you out just pass it over).

Be good, & be safe. 

Call the Angels and Archangels. Imagine yourself in a bubble of white light as far as your arms can extend in front on you - to the sides of you - behind you - above and below. Carry a Clear Quartz. A cross. Say a prayer. It all works. 

...& seriously, stay away from any Ouija boards or things/spaces where you just open doors to anyone. 

If you're worrying about yourself or your home, go to a whole foods store or a spiritual/metaphysical shop and buy white sage. Usually in a stick/bundle. Light it like incense, but be very careful (use a fire-safe plate/ash tray/whatever with you/it & don't take your eyes off it) as you walk through your house. 

Ask the Angels to remove any and all negative energy, say a prayer, play energy clearing reiki from YouTube as you do it, imagine white light vanquishing shit, whatever you're most comfortable with as you move from room to room. Let the smoke get the corners of the room, as that's where negative shit likes to build up. 

Make sure you open as many windows as you can so the negative energy/beings can actually leave your space. 

That always helps. Every time. No doubt about it.

Hug each other, & enjoy your Halloween! 

XO

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Casting ramble...

I can't wait to start acting in shit that's written for me. Roles that are best for me. 

I'm best at being a badass. Give me a gun, someone's ass to kick. Make me some member of a girl gang, or just a no-nonsense person. Sure, I can giggle and laugh or dance on the line between romantic comedy and comedy... But I'm just not good at being emotional. I'm not.

There's a reason most actors seem to always do the 'same thing'. Those niches have been found by agents and managers. Just like Jennifer Love Hewitt seems to always be emotional somehow, Eliza Dushku is usually a badass, you can find the same thing in male actors. 

Any actor, really.

All of them. If you look for the pattern, you will find it. What they always seem to be put in, and/or the way they 'act' or 'deliver' the performance - the same keys or tells that they always do, regardless what role they're in, and how that got them whatever role they're in now.

May not always be the same character - sometimes it's something in how they deliver that is 'needed' or 'apparent' in a casting decision for stuff. And it's something that never really changes. Never goes too far away. 

Look for the pattern, the apparent 'same thing'. You'll find it if you look. 

Agents and managers and shit usually let their talent run for a bit on their own, look for what they seem to excel in and then look for parts like that for them. Sell, sell, sell. Would my client be believable as X? No? What would they be believable in?

In short... You kick the door open, however (sucking dicks, dicks in asses, bending over a desk, luck) and then they just find ways to keep making money off you. Talent or not. They put you where you can do the least work and still be able to carry yourself down the line of work to keep your team making money.

Your agent wouldn't shove you into something they feel you won't deliver on, doesn't 'fit'. Then there's a huge risk of no sale, horrible reviews, and your future roles being jeopardized. Their money and percentage on the line. Unless they have 20 more talented, versatile actors on their roster that can pick up pocket-slack you may be responsible for...? They won't let you play with any part of your own career.

Or resume, I guess you can say. Because it's not as much a career as it's just constant and mind numbing resume building. Even when they think they're past that.

I played with a lot of things I've done. Taking roles on purpose to make sure I'm thinking what I'm thinking. I haven't had a chance to be 'emotional' in the broadest sense until recently, and discovered that I wasn't comfortable with it at all. Biggest discovery is that I am absolutely no good at crying or begging or being some emotional mess. Not good at all. 

I'd be amazing, absolutely amazing and totally excell at a scene where say some asshole is beating my ass or something and I'm not crying and hard about it and spitting in his face and insulting him and shit. That, I would excel in. That's the shit that would be the type of shit my imaginary agent would end up finding for me on purpose. 

You can even find that if say a certain actor seems to be 'better' in one movie than another - it may be that director. If an actor works with a certain director a lot, go follow the series of films that actor had been in with them. Usually, the performance gets better because they're getting more and more comfortable with the director. 

Hard to find, but you can. Track back. 

I spent a LOT of time studying shit. Lots of shit everywhere I could. 

Anyways...

Same type of scene with me crying, begging, pleading... Foreign. I can't do that. I watched back a film I just did and I am in no way upset with myself, but it's not comfortable for me. It felt bad the whole time, I felt like I was doing horrible, I didn't feel secure at ALL. 

I did 500x's better than I thought I did, but still not as good as I know I would have done with a few insults and a 'fuck off' expression. 

You know?

Why?

That's closer to me. 

Who I am. 

If that's blended with a different type of person or character or genre or scene or whatever... Then an actor can shift between 'comfort zones' or what they just seem to be better at than another thing.

I look forward to writing for other people, too. 

The roles I've always felt secure in? Comfortable? With guns, kicking asses, being a bitch and a badass. 

Add some comedy, room for sarcastic smiles and some random joke or whatever... Fucking gold.

Or - a period piece. 

BROAD spectrum, lol. But it's legit.

Or - a 'Notebook' type of film with my future husband. But it would absolutely have to be my future husband, because I just couldn't make that fake ass romance look believable with anyone else. But since it would be real it would be fucking mind blowing. 

And I'm waiting on that 'only doing it one time because we soulmates can read your mind you can read mine mind blowing kind of don't believe it it's so magical' love so... Hello award season.

I don't go for all that fake accolade shit but, they'd be knocking. 

(& yes, the above type of love does in fact exist for everyone if you wait for it and go after it when you find it and don't settle for anything less than that because you're having a low or lonley moment.)

Maybe it's my empathic shit but I don't understand being typecast. That does exist with agents and stuff when you're not running your own show... But, that's the trade off I guess. Passion and play versus money and flashy lights. 

It's easy to break someone out of that. Really. Find their own comforts and go-to's and use those but write around them and shit. 

Or it can be physical shit. If they seem to speak a certain way or move a certain way. Pair them with someone who pushes comfort zones and shit. Easier said than done, because at the end it's the $$ that wins over everything else.

Certain writers and directors, like on TV shows, will hand pick actors they've known or worked with before for whatever because they're 'perfect' for it. When really, it's just because it is already so close to the human being they are. Acting is almost useless, it's just memorizing lines. 

Joss Whedon did that A LOT. Still does. Which is fucking awesome. And he still gives people chances. Harder to get in front of him, and he's already got an Eliza Dushku in his roster. 

I'm certain that the horrifyingly sexist and misogynistic comment that was often told to me: "Your body is too distracting to put you X"  (role or TV or movie or whatever) will one day be erased. It just has to be done by someone who isn't scared of a network or an agent or director or group of people. No, really, all that plus someone who believes in someone. 

I do some channel surfing and really, these girls look nothing like normal people. Neither do the men. The only women that look like me are playing strippers or other women or whores or whatever. Not serious leading women. The leading women have their B tits shoved into push up bras and are double zeros. Nothing wrong with that, but why is that the majority? Let's represent everyone. 

Or, the new trend is how they like to say overweight women are funniest. 

Like - really? So because I'm 5'2", 120 pounds, D chest, a number or two off from 36/24/36... I always have to be a fucking stripper? Or a whore? Or a prostitute? How come I can't be funny? Or smart? God forbid. 

I'm not 2 pounds at all, and I've never had surgery. Just how I was born. Media fucks everyone up. Either you're somehow undesirable because your boobs and shit are too small or whatever, or you're a whore and looked at as nothing but a tramp because they're too big and you're too curvy or whatever.

Now I'm just rambling about media and it's huge piece in society and women's body issues. Issues as a whole. Everyone's issues. 

(Anyone smelling why I do the pinup look? Marketing reasons? PR reasons? Feel free to assume. You're probably right.)

And may I just say how much I love Joss Whedon for openly saying he's a feminist, and writing such powerful roles for women and shit. Really making them a true reflection of actual women. Real human beings. Rounded and multidimensional. All looks and skills and emotions and personalities. 

When asked "Why do you write so much for women" (or pretty much the same) he always responds "Because people are still asking me that question."

The men all look like kids who have been in a gym and getting steroid shots in the ass since they were fucking 10. Again, see end of above. 

It's all fucked. 

I aim to shatter stereotypes. And blaze new trails. 

Baby steps toward wonderful new things every day. 

Be the change you wish to see in the world, right? Oh... I fucking am. 

One woman operation may take longer, but the candle lit last burns the longest. And I'm told by spirit this is the best way, anyways. I feel super good and positive about it.

Aim to learn new things every day. 

Random:

In dead people news, went to my favorite cemetery today and saw two kids playing with squirrels, a lady told me to go home or I was going to get sick, and a man tried to follow me home. 

Pretty sure I had a dream last night with someone's fucking grandma - again - who seriously doesn't understand that I can't make miracles happen. Or force people to talk to me. If people don't want a message, they just don't. 

Lucky for them, they don't have to hear anyone nagging them about it. Even their own relatives.

Seeing energy has finally seriously subsided. Given the energy healing several friends have been sending my way, and my stepping away from my mediumship work for awhile.

I often wonder how my guides will show themselves in my work. Lucy has promised she'll show up some day, somewhere. I know they all will. Some day, somewhere. It'll be interesting. 

...and I've finally embraced it all. All of my gift. I am a human being that just happens to be sensitive. 

I had moments where I wondered how the future would go. Random comments and questions maybe in an interview somewhere in which I'm confronted with this 'seeing and hearing dead people' stuff. 

I aim to inspire and empower many. So, what for so long has been something I type openly about but secretly wonder how I'll tell anyone publicly... Isn't a bother anymore. Lots of people can do this, and there are kids and adults of all kinds that are sitting in their houses feeling like freaks or thinking they're crazy because of it.

What person, other than someone only doing mediumship work professionally, has ever really spoke about gifts beyond the normal and usual senses?

Not many. 

On a big, public platform?

None.

...I've got just enough balls and run negative in the fucks to give...

I'll do it.

And I do think I've got said grandmother from above to thank for that. Had to go out on a limb and send a message to person from before I've been trying to network with... And I think that was a 'I'm about to totally be written off as crazy' panic moment, but I did it anyways. 

And I didn't care. 

That gave me lots of personal power. So what? It's the person I fucking am. It's real. If people don't believe it? Tough. Am I amazing at it? No. I'm not a professional. But I get what I get, and it's real, and there's other people out there that need someone to look at and know that they can do it too. And they're not crazy either. 

To have it validated that yes, it does exist, and yes, they're okay. 

I'd be honored to be the front of the line. Let me take all the heat and bullshit and 'crazy' and 'weirdo' comments so someone else doesn't have to. That's always been fine by me. 

Stand for people who have no one standin for them. 

And it's everywhere. 

In every kid who thinks they're going crazy because they hear voices. Every person who has crippling anxiety and doesn't understand they're an empath. For everyone who is scared to go to sleep because of the dreams, or doesn't know what to do because they keep smelling their dead grandmothers perfume. The people who are terrified to tell their families they see random dead people, or the people who don't know why they seem to just know so many things about people and places they've never met or been to... 

They're not crazy. They're okay. 

I've read several mediums talk about it like the coming out of the closet thing. Only we're not gay... We just see and hear things most other people don't even believe exists. Or is possible. 

Well some of them are gay, but you know what I mean. 

I feel like Oprah would understand. She gets all that stuff. 

Is it too early to book my Oprah interview?

Maybe. 

One day. 

:) 

Goodnight folks. 

XO

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Success!

Static is just about gone! So are the swirling lights and flashes and sparkles!

Amen!

Bad part? I had to close down my 'third eye' and shit completely again. Which, from the last time, took me a long time to reopen again.

So now it's gonna be like square 1 all over again.

At least this is round 2. I've got a better handle on what I'm doing when I re-open.

Already been smelling my grandma everywhere and had some weird dream asking some dude to coffee via an Instagram photo! Here we go!

I've got a friend who just asked me the other day about what's going on with her. I love being the "only person who won't think I'm crazy". 

She's a sensitive too. Probably a pretty good medium if she worked at it, healer too. Her energy is basically getting so crazy and ready to go that she blows out light bulbs everywhere she goes. 

Fun, huh? 

Welcome to the world most people won't believe until they see. 

I love it.

So, I've got an appointment thing sometime this weekend to work it thru with her. She SI'd also if I remember correctly; had a suicide attempt herself. Usually, from the people I've met and what I know, those who do fight and continue on that were depressed and stuff usually realize some crazy 'other worldly' things/gifts they possess after some time.

There's literally nothing I don't believe after what I've seen and heard or been thru. 

Some of the storylines are a little wild, but most of the stuff on Ghost Whisperer is actually on point. Thanks to James Van Praagh. 

All this experience (which isn't even half as much as my professional medium friends) makes it insanely easy to - say - write a film about them. An accurate one. I have ideas... & professionals I can call! 

...crazy that JLH and I are just twinning. Coincidence? Never. No such thing.

When I lived in CA I tried so hard to be her stand in on like everything she ever did. It's been awhile since someone stopped me and asked me if I was her - thank you Detroit - but even my own mother told me "I swore to God that was you even tho I knew it wasn't..." When she watched the SVU with her in it. 

Unintentional twinning. 

Had a casting director or director back in the day suggest I dye my hair blonde and shit because I looked so much like her. Haha... No. 

I've been seeing 26 and 555 literally everywhere I fucking turn. So many signs. 

Okay, meditation time. And some docs I've saved on the Netflix. 

There's freezing cold temperatures tonight, so time to make some tea and try to get my cats to snuggle with me. 

XO

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Magic.

At 24 years of age (I believe it was 24), I was making all the medical decisions for my Grandmother who, at the time, was about to be put on hospice.

My whole family was more interested in arguing and listening to the backwards doesn't-make-any-sense doctors at the crooked hospital that we had told her not to go to since everyone said, "once you go in that hospital, the only way you leave is in a body bag."

They did some fucked surgery on her for no reason, then suddenly her kidneys were failing and they had her on life support. 

They were pumping her full of morphine then telling me "she's having a hard time breathing, so the machine stays in". 

Really? You're a fucking idiot.

I got into several heated debates with the doctors and nurses at that hospital, who would one day produce an X-Ray saying it's an infection, then - the following day - say there was no sign of it. 

While everyone argued with each other and me, I would sneak up in the middle of the night and make changes. Saying my parents wanted this or that, because no one was listening to me but if they didn't do what I was saying... She would die there.

After demanding they stop giving her morphine, SURPRISE! Her breathing 'mysteriously' returned back to normal, and after a heated debate with a rude nurse and Doctor, got her off most of the other medications for no reason and - surprise - she's awake again!

She walked out of the hospital a couple weeks later. Regardless I had been screamed at by every family member I have to 'mind my own business' and 'you don't have a medical degree, shut up'... I know I saved her life. 

So did my great grandmother who had come by via spirit and thanked me personally at a medium I went to not long after.

That grandmother passed away a couple months ago of her own volition. She had dementia, stopped eating, & - well - when I say she needs treatment, if her kids don't back me up... Nothing I can do.

I was blessed enough to be able to cross her, in one way or another. Be there with her while she was on hospice, and experience the Angels that came to be with her and so forth.

The other night I heard, "It's time." And got a flash of the only grandparent I have left. 

Today, we got the call that she's been throwing up all last night and all day.

Well... How about that.

I haven't told anyone I got that. They don't believe it anyways. But, I did.

I'm hoping I can beat the heavenly system like I did with my other grandma the first time. But for her, I have to battle much more arrogant and irritating forces that present themselves as aunts and uncles who have an IQ matching that of burnt toast.

My parents are children in the most pure soul form. They don't stand on their own unless it's for ego or arrogant pride. They have an emotional attachment to family and siblings that have done nothing for them of any good, and regardless how useless they've been to them - allow and approve of them and their choices anyways.

The man who told me he would have me arrested just for going to see my dying grandfather, who stole things I bought him out of spite, among many other things... They support.

The woman who told me I'm a disrespectful cretan who needs Jesus because I called out her drug addiction and told her to grow up and be an adult and take responsibility for her choices instead of crying about doing simple shit like washing dishes and raking leaves... They support. (She also stole shit I bought for my grandpa.)

Among countless other useless brothers and sisters of theirs. 

The other drug addicts, disrespectful low lives, abusers and users.

Hello reason I distance myself.

So now, I'm preparing myself to either fight tooth and nail for her life... Against countless 'adults' that don't see anything beyond the veil of 'I AM THE ADULT AND I SAY SO! ALL MY CHOICES ARE CORRECT BECAUSE IM OVER 60 AND YOU ARE NOT!', or, sitting back - keeping the peace - and watching her pass away. 

My grandma that has passed has been everywhere since I had that little random message. They were the greatest of friends.

The message could have been nothin more than just a tip off that she's sick. Or, that this is the beginning of a series of things that will eventually wind up in her returning to spirit. 

I know that this massive headache I've been having and this irritating static shit out of the corner of my eye is still present. I had a long talk with a medium friend of mine and I feel better. Regardless, I know I'm okay - in the big way - this is just a moment. Energy and opening up and new period symptoms aren't helping all rolled into one. 

I've been doing tons of healing meditations, and asking the Angels to help. It's been working, slowly getting better little by little. My medium friend has graciously been doing tons of energy healing work on me, bless her heart, so I'm feeling pretty good.

I love life. I love being alive. I love the mission I have in this world, and I love the person I am. As stupid as it seems, this little irritating static out of my eye makes me really find gratitude in tons of places I haven't before. 

The Angels are taking care of me, and if this is the only thing I have to deal with - I'm blessed. I've been ignoring it, so it's really not even a bother anymore. 

Lots of crystals and shit, too.

And finalizing scripts, and checking up on people, and planning other shit...

...life really is a blessing. 

Every day I'm reminded of that. 

Love everyone. Treat others with kindness and compassion. The same kindness and compassion you'd hope was always received by your mother or grandmother from strangers. 

You just never know. 

Do good in the world. Don't hurt anyone, and spread good vibes. 


...& believe in magic: it exists. 

XO

Thursday, October 8, 2015

Static

Seeing static only out of the corner of my right eye blows.

It's the most irritating thing ever.

Started a couple days ago, and so I'm googling it and what pops up without it even being a thought? Spiritual reasons for the static flashy strobe light shit.

Well well well... Who'da thunk it.

There really, apparently, isn't any medical reason when someone - without any medical reason - sees static shit.

Except spiritually.

So it's one of several things:

Energy
Prana (still not clear on that really)
Spirit 

My medium friend I asked said it is energy. She said it's a sign of awakening, and opening up.

Fucking hell man. It's so irritating. 

She said you just have to get a sense of humor and ride out with it.

It's not like I was born with it. So, hard to adjust.

Either my angels will take it away like I've been asking, or I'm stuck dealing with it.

I'm really praying it'll go away. Let me do everything else except see this energy shit. Please.

I did a chakra balance and sage on myself and my whole house today, that helped a little. One of the spiritual forums that people who have this and know it's spiritual were discussing it in said to do chakra balancing work, and to ask the spirit guides to help.

I am. Oh, I am.

I also booked a series of doctors appointments, just to make sure. Better safe than sorry! Intuition tells me I'm okay, as usual, but past family history of a skinned knee somehow equaling a trip to the ER as a child nags that something else is wrong.

Working on ridding myself of that. 

I have a huge headache also, which is just grand. Sucks. Probably from all this energy crap. Ugh. 

I found amethyst is working well, so I've got that in my pocket. Doesn't really bother me in bright lights or the absolute dark, which is odd.

I saw it swirling around the corner of my eye. I watched sparkles move around (couldn't trace them like floaters) the other night. Interesting and irritating.

One dude in the forum said that he noticed they got worse when he was more tired, and I'm exhausted, so that probably isn't helping. It's been the worst today. 

Cleared out several inboxes, and worked on some YouTube shit. Still hammering away at some planning and figuring for some films I'll be doing this coming spring. Yey! 

Going to be doing a video with Kyle's Mom (Ashley didn't pick that ball up) because I'd been wanting to anyways, so I might as well. He's my best friend, I've got to fight for his honor and shit.

Okay, well this headache is blaring so I'm taking my spiritual gangster ass to bed. Some lavender oil on my sheets and some crystals on my nightstand... 

...oh what a night. 

Send your angels to help me get rid of this shit, too. Anything but this. I don't know how people do this all day long every day. No clue. 

At least it isn't as bad as some peoples. I don't know what I'd do if it was in my entire field of vision. 

But, I also fucked around and listened to like 2 mins of a kundalini energy activation video like an idiot, so this is probably a byproduct of that also.

Fucking note to self: Listen to my damn medium friends, and don't go off doing the most. I don't need it. I'm sensitive enough. That just enhances it and drives me crazy.

End rant. 

Fucking goodnight, man. 

Monday, October 5, 2015

Dreamland v. WTF 2.0

So let's just go ahead and leave this here...

I've been revamping my Dream Journal, and boy did I get a weird doozie last night.

So I had a dream someone I'm trying to network with send me a message. A direct message on Instagram from some weird ass 'welcome wagon' account...?

They're like, "No, it's me."

So we randomly started talking then it flashed over to FaceTime on my phone, and I said, "Well I just finished a movie with Britney Murphy."

...in my conscious head, I say, 'What the fuck' silently...

This person says, "Really? Can I see it?"

It flashed to me and her and some other people walking around some behind the scenes type shit, like we were between takes.

She had dark hair, almost black. Matching lipstick.

I grabbed her now, more consciousness coming thru, and pull her off to the side.

I whispered, "What are you doing here? Is this some message?" 

She laughed and said, "You want this life don't you? Then you asked for all of us you can get. I'm helping you, too. Don't be a bitch about it." And walked off with a smirk.

Flash back to the conversation. 

This person I'm trying to network with laughs and says, "Britney Murphy, huh?"

I say, now even more awake but calm because I don't want to ruin this by waking up too much, "Why is she continuously mentioned?"

Person says, "I don't know, but look what my Grandma gave me."

Turns the camera around and there's some, like, ornate sock puppet thing that resembles a cat but looks like a pastel pink and quilt-like, pulled half way over some kind of small holder thing. There was a yellow post-it attached to it, with little decorative push-pins keeping the note on the sock puppet quilt looking thing to this person. 

 I said, "Oh... Okay..." 

I noticed tons, and I mean TONS of boxes in the background. Almost like a hoarder. Just fucking stupid amounts of boxes and file folder things stacked up around each other. I don't get the color green lately, but I noticed lots of forest green boxes and deep red type colors. Browns, earth tones. Very Fall, to be honest.

I heard someone in some echo type whisper say, "Help."

So I abandoned the dream completely at this point and just started talking to whatever was going on, in the usual way I do when this shit happens.

"Okay, help who? How? I'm not understanding this stuff people! I need things to be made crystal clear to me! We all know I'm marvelous at other peoples signs, but I'm horrifying with my own. I don't understand any of this! I need some clarity!"

Then, I got a flash of this person sitting off somewhere by themselves, all sad and miserable energy. Then bam, I'm awake.

Fun facts about me:

- I can't solve riddles to save my life.
- I don't do scavenger hunts. If I did, I would certainly need to be with multiple people because alone it would just never fucking happen.
- I don't get puzzle shit like this.
- Can't ever figure the punch line to a joke.
- I don't read between lines. I can't. 
- I'm very direct, to the point, this is what's up.

I. Don't. Understand. This. Shit.

When Lucy started that crap we had some words. I don't do much symbolic shit. Just fucking say it, explain, make it cut and dry.

And wtf Britney Murphy?

The last time I saw her was literally right after she died. What's this now?

Apparently she's on my team also? Whatever. I'm not complaining. Makes sense, she's the closest spirit from that industry to my age so far. She seems very direct and to the point, no bullshit, and I dig that. And of course, as always, I'll take all the knowledge I can get.

But it's not like any of this can really make sense for me. Which is the frustrating part of my soul desires (film) and the attracting so many energies and stuff related to it. So much is not able to be confirmed. Living or dead. Because some of it is just... Personal. That you'd need to ask the person directly or, well, not post anywhere public out of respect. 

& really, why am I drawing all these people to help and build and all that when I'm not even really doing anything?

I mean, I am, but not in the big way you would assume. Not now anyways.

...?

I guess all that's needed is a desire and an openness? And a bomb ass soul, which I have, so - golden! 

I'm still confused. And hopefully, the confusion starts to lessen and be replaced by clarity. Hopefully.

That's the goal, anyways!

*le'sigh*

Dreamland. You weirdness, you.

How do people like wine?

Wine makes me wanna vomit.

Long story short:

I've told my family I'm an alcoholic. Do they respect that or take it seriously? No. Why? Because drug and alcohol addiction runs on both sides of my family, and on both sides of my family - everyone ignores it. 

So my sister is constantly like, "April, just fucking drink this. Come on."

I always say no, and I have just stopped mentioning my alcoholism at this point because they ignore it anyways.

So tonight, with my family at my parents, my sister (who is toeing the line of alcoholic herself) is like, "You never fucking drink. Just fucking have one."

So, I gave in and tried some of her wine.

First, let it be said that I'm an alcoholic yes, but I actually can drink when I want to.

And by 'drink when I want to' that means away from bars or clubs or parties or gatherings and shit. Because that's like the 'party' atmosphere that really severely triggers my addiction.

My Grandpa, off the boat from Sicily, swore on red wine. So maybe once a year I'll have a beer or something.

There are a boat load of alcoholics who can't ever even taste beer again, because it's down the tubes. 

But, I really can. I've gotten over it completely, and as long as I'm not drinking in some party like atmosphere, I'm okay. Alone, with a very trusted friend who knows me and won't let me have more than one, or by myself just because - I'm truly okay.

Honestly the biggest 'worry', if I had to find one, would be self injury. Drinking and pills are so far far behind me. And I'm truly happy now, so, really gone.

But anyways, so I try this wine she has...

...I cringed like I just took a bite out of a lemon, and I couldn't help it.

It was the most disgusting shit I've ever tasted in my life.

My sister likes to drink, a lot, by herself, alone, or with friends. She'll even drive places to pick up alcohol she's left at friends houses.

....I've warned my parents. But, they're living their pathology, just like when I told them she was throwing her food up and they seriously said to me, "It's just a phase". 

Yeah. Fucked. But, again, they're adults with their own personal problems that have nothing to do with me. Everyone is well over 18 at this point, so, certainly none of my business anymore either.

But yeah. 

I ate everything in sight to get the taste out of my mouth. Disgusting.

I remember back in addiction my friend who was hyspanic made me some sangria and it had fruit and shit in it...

...it was okay, because of the fruit. But, fuck all that shit pass me the hard stuff.

No bullshit, when I used to drink, our parties usually started at 9p. And for the night (probably 9p-7/8a) I drank this:

A fifth of Malibu Passionfruit (the big pink bottle)
A pint of Malibu Coconut
A 12-pack of Corona's 

All to myself. No chasers. I would just carry the fifths and shit around.

By the time I was 16, I could finish every drop of all of it by the time I went to sleep. But, I never usually went to sleep. I'd just drink till it was all gone and the party was over, and everyone left, and sit up with whoever was left and chain smoke and talk until the sun came up and someone was making everyone breakfast.

Sometimes I could go to sleep, but rarely. I would lay down and everything would always start spinning. I couldn't do it.

So, yeah, wine is gross.

I had to smoke, like, 5 cigarettes to get that horrifying taste out of my mouth.

I'm doing super good cutting down smoking, too. Tried taking a page from Kyle and Jared's books and just straight up quitting. But, can't.

I've had lots of my friends ask me how I keep my teeth so white being a smoker and coffee drinker (I'm cutting down on the coffee, too, and I really don't smoke that much), so I'll share here I guess.

I brush my teeth a lot, and my personal hygiene game is strong. So, brushing and flossing 2/3 times a day with Arm & Hammer stuff really works. Plus, mouthwash and mints and shit. 

I can't even stand when I can smell smoke on myself, so I'll either have a specific hoodie dedicated to just wearing while I'm smoking, or I always smoke outside anywhere. Never inside. And I spray/use body lotion/oils on myself like crazy. 

Every single person I know always says how I never, ever, smell like smoke. People have even been completely shocked when I tell them I smoke if they've never seen me do it or haven't seen cigarettes. 

That personal hygiene game just gatta stay strong. Plus, I've had braces and shit and have family that are dental hygienists and shit so... Had that importance pounded in since day 1.

Stress of just being me still makes me grind the fuck out of my teeth when I sleep, but that's really it!

I used a white strip thing one time for no real reason. Decided to sleep in it, woke up and it was gone. Not anywhere in my bed, my mouth, nothing. I must have swallowed it or something. Absolutely crazy. Last time I ever do that. They scare me now, regardless how correctly I would use them from here on out, lol. 

We almost have our first script done to fill with me directing under my name. Eek! It's a found footage movie. Super simple, no stress, not supposed to be perfect, and a good way to let me get my feet wet with directing. Since, I've done almost everything else, but unofficially.

It's just gonna be fun and free. And the story is 100, so that's always the most important part regardless of anything else.

My mediumship work is at a potential stand-still. My lesson today was to see energy, and the other day it was to feel energy...

...I can't.

I tried and tried, but I can't.

I tried to go in all my rooms and feel the energy, couldn't.

Maybe because I sage them regularly and have just saged my whole house?

I couldn't see it, couldn't feel it.

It's okay, I'll keep trying.

I intended spirit to come into my meditations today... Worked pretty well!

Saw my Grandma, I keep smelling her so seeing her is the next logical step, saw some man in a lobby of what looked like a train station, saw another man - middle aged - blonde hair almost no eyebrows - inhaling while he like sucked in his bottom lip? Weird, but okay.

...& that is why I'm doing this course.

I'm sick of the random shit that makes no sense. I have random moments like that often, and I'd like to piece them together in a logical way. If I can do it a little bit, is like to figure how to do it properly.

It really is true, what Lisa says. If you're in any way/shape/form a sensitive or in any way in tune to a side of a 'gift', they flock to you. 

And the result of them flocking to me is random pieces of shit I don't understand.

But I will. Eventually.

Sometimes, it's pretty clear and fluid. Sometimes, it's not.

Like how certain peoples people come in and other peoples people don't. Or maybe it's just easier for me to connect with some peoples people at this point than others?

Like, another long story short, they flock right? Well I've been having random people tell me shit about random people for some time. I've just had it made very clear to me who one of these random people are the other day: someone's grandmother/mother figure I'm trying to network with.

Random, right?

She's been yelling at me for some time, apparently. Super fucking stoked someone can finally hear her, because "they're all analytical and science based, they won't believe it and they can't hear me, but I've been trying" and "thank god you can hear me! Finally, someone can hear me!" - interesting. So, even tho she said "they won't believe you, and you'll probably scare them" - I passed it along anyways. 

Because a medium before has told me, "Sometimes they really just want to be acknowledged, and they'll go away". Not trying to push spirit away, but, if it helps it helps. 

She told me a couple things, like "they see you, they're just intimidated by you"... Really? Okay, that's backwards, but sure... and "they're just very inside themselves, it's about the money at this point and not the people" and "it's not you, sweetheart, it's them". 

I knew just by looking at this person that they are a healer. A super suppressed healer, but a healer just the same. Which is interesting, because like their spirit said, "they won't heal themselves". And "keeps letting the wrong people in" and "doesn't understand they're closing their life down", then my personal favorite (because no matter who anyone is, EVERYONE's grandparents always love me), "I really like you, you're a good person. They need good people, and I'm trying to help them help you". This woman even said there was or will be a name change? Something like that, then she said, "so, heads up!" Like, heads up why? This person really can't do that anyways. Unless she's implying this person actually will give me the time of day eventually and be like, "Hi, so my name is actually Louise." 

Then I can be like, "Your grandmother/mother figure told me about this." And they fucking bolt for the door, throw holy water at me, and tell their apparently shittastical friends how this crazy bitch thinks she talks to dead people? 

Fantastic.

...

I'm analytical.

Didn't tell this person ALL of that, but just a bit. Because who the fuck am I? Just some random girl who is trying to make dreams come true with making movies and shit and talks to dead people (sometimes). 

Which, to someone already paranoid and closed down will register incorrectly as 'freak' or 'weird-O' or 'crazy'. 

Shame.

Then again, I guess they wouldn't be totally totally paranoid or shut down if they're acknowledging my existence...

And to spirit, they don't understand that in this world, stuff like that isn't so simple. It's not as easy as a normal people connection in film. Any level of film. It's all red tape and 'you can't sit with us' bullshit. So, whatever!  

Someone else I'm trying to network with's grandfather/father/maybe brother figure came in. Brief, but it was there. Not much from him.

I'm discovering it's much easier for me to connect with female spirits than male. That's a block on my side, internally. Not their faults.

Because I swore I saw the person before' grandfather figure before, but maybe it belonged to someone else? Learning still.

Had some guy pop in from a LONG time ago, showing me some newspaper article (again) about a nurse and he was killed in a war I think and wanted me to tell his daughter he loved her.

...Who?! Who is your daughter and who are you?!

Nothing. Nothing else.

Frustrating.

I've tried analyzing it, and I think some of it is because some people are already open. Some people, like my friend I did a  random text reading with that I put on here, are super open and already get it so their spirits know they can come to me. Easier energy for me to connect with so I can connect to their loved ones because they're connected to them not me.

Or,

I am more open to certain people. In something as small as an interest or like networking attempts. I think that helps, like even spirits that are gone. Lots of the classic film stars... It just takes taking an interest and asking questions and they're there. Probably because it's a career/learning thing for me, not just trying to have dead actors and actresses sign ghost autographs and shit. Like, no, I actually do need/would like your professional guidance please.

Had worked so far. But, then again, would be nice to sit down with a real human on this earth.

I'm still looking for who "God damnit, Chris!" belongs to, as well as the lady yelling at me in Spanish and the guy telling me "Hey! It's 3:45!" Probably won't ever find them without more info. Need a little more than that!

But, again, reason for this course. If I can already get that without trying, I want to get the whole puzzle together for my own sanity. Play with a full deck. 

I still remember some coverage of the Manson murders for the podcast I use to do, and being haunted by screams and flashes of shit when I tried to go to sleep. 

But Lisa put in her book, which is super comforting (even tho I've been told this by every professional I know), "It's okay; they will not hurt you." 

Apparently, my soul/aura is so bright and pure (probably from my years of self-help and cleansing everything about me) that there's no way darkened can exist. 

When you're already negative, negative shit can stick around. Negative spirits, lower level energies, everything. Just makes it worse for you. 

But, when you're vibration is so high... They literally can't stay around. It pushes them all out.

So just because I may hear something scary or see something scary or get a flash of something scary doesn't mean it's with me. Just simply means I saw it. That's it.

If I didn't see what I've seen, or hear what I've heard, I would probably read all this and laugh. "Crazy bitch!"

That's funny, haha. I really would. 

It sounds crazy, it seems crazy, but it's not. And it won't be until you experience it for yourself that it makes sense to you. Really and truly. Won't do one ounce of real, honest good until you can experience it yourself.

They send signs, songs, repetitive messages... They influence you to see the penny or look at the clock at 2:22 or someone to say something to you that someone else just did.

It's pretty cool actually. 

I sent some other people messages I got for them that I could piece together. Less interesting, more typical "I love you" and "I'm here for you" shits. I'm going to be doing readings in a couple weeks or something, and I literally don't know anyone who I can read. 

Balls. 

And I'm scurrd.

It's all good and fine to know with myself and type my blogs and to be secure privately because I know what I know and no one is judgin me and I'm passing off what I know for sure with no external pressure to just try and help someone...

...it's an entirely other thing to sit down in front of someone I don't know (or do) and be like, "Hey! Talking to dead people time!"

Scared.

I was watching a thing with Lisa the other day and she said, "The first time I saw my Grandmother, head to toe, I ran."

I did the same! Not my grandma, but I saw my first cat who passed before Cuddles did. Her name was Kitty, and I saw her completely normal like I would see any other animal in life.

I screamed, and I ran.

At least I'm not alone!

I better go. 

I'm getting to the point I don't even know what I'm saying anymore, and I'm not even supposed to be on electronics anyways. Lisa's class orders. But, I'm a rebel so... Sorry Lisa! 

I can't help it.

Cut down tho!! 

I've also been unable to let my new clear Quartz Crystal go. It's got an angel aura quarts inside of it naturally... It's insane. I don't know what it is. I'm going to snuggle it while I sleep. It's deep. Don't know what's going on, obviously there's a reason that will be made clear to me when it's my business, but whatever.

Okay, I need to go. 

Goodnight, world.

Be good, & pass around the kindness today.