When we're born, we get this type of human amnesia. We forget where we came from, who we were before, all that stuff.
Often times I feel like I'm a walker between worlds. I remembered so much when I was little. So much. Then, being told I was crazy and not having roads to travel to find out more - not knowing what was going on, who I really was, feeling things from others so deeply, absorbing energy that wasn't mine... I didn't even have the language for it.
As I got older, my 21st birthday to be exact, Kyle's Mom played a huge role in my destiny/fate by giving me 'Love, Lucy'. The book by Lucille Ball that led to me opening my 'spiritual doors', so to speak - and bringing Lucy right in. Front and center.
Her identity as of late being a famous actress (legend) didn't help my human brain rationalize it. But, the road further traveled led me to a medium who explained our many connections. Going beyond this lifetime. I have been her daughter before, she's been my mother before, we've been sisters before. Our souls have known each other in many, many lifetimes.
Her identity and body in her most recent one was just in the line of business I've worked my ass off to be in. Even before I ever met her. Coincidence? No. There are none.
Patience is a big issue for me. My connection to my very last experience is very present. Goddess is what mediums have told me I was called. A light being. I cared for people and even taught some souls that crossed over. My soul caught on fast I guess.
Well, that doesn't surprise me.
But I'm still super connected to that 'everything happens as soon as you think it' existence. You're wherever you want to be in the span of a heartbeat. Anywhere in the world. You can be with whoever you chose in any moment. You don't need money or a house or a job. You just are. You exist in the love and light. You are literally one with everything.
Now, here, humanity.
A body that requires shit. Mostly what the media tries to sell people. And I'm a people.
I've got organs that make my body work, and keep my soul grounded here on earth. Keeps me living life with other people. I need to pee and eat and do other shit like shower and shave.
I have a brain that has gotten away with itself, so I have to go overboard to try and remember what humanity and this world has made me forget. Spiritual truths that help me stay more on the side of soul/sanity instead of the insane humanity that I'm living with and for.
I've been sent with all types of passions and goals that are totally fucking hard wired in my existence. Because I've got plans and a mission. Because no one is ever sent here with nothing. Everyone has a reason and a purpose. Everyone, and every thing.
And the divine and spirit tries to help. Sits by you when you sleep (seen it). Holds you while you cry (experienced that). Sends you signs and hints and things humans call 'coincidences' to help you along. Even for people who don't believe and don't see or hear anything, ever. To affirm choices and confirm things. Or show you a new direction and new people and stuff.
It's so hard to know/feel all that stuff and still battle humanity. Being human.
I really feel, more often than not, I'm some alien that is trying to convince everyone else I'm one of them. Truly. That's how I feel.
& I know everyone is living their own lessons and paths and destinies and shit, but, I just feel different. Way different than everyone else.
I don't understand lots of stuff. Relationships, bad ones, rule most people's lives and minds. Why? Jumping from bed to bed or lips to lips with anyone who is cute? Because people can't be alone? Because they feel like they're supposed to? I just don't understand it.
Most highly spiritual people are asexual. They don't know they are, but they are.
I certainly wouldn't say this human life I have is able to be defined by anything, I don't like labels for anything, humans fluctuate between so many 'lables' during their lifetime it isn't even funny. I'd never want to be held to anything, because I'm not any one thing. But, demisexual and sapiosexual are definitions many spiritual people put on themselves. Again, not one to define, but it fits me most of the time.
I know I'll know when I meet the man I'm supposed to be with. Meet, actually physically meet. That's as far as my energy work takes me in human life thus far.
Even still, I'm human.
I second guess. I question spiritual intuition and truths. It's so stupid, but a habit humans make because 'that stuff doesn't exist'.
I've had my intuition scream at me and me question it and have it backfire in my fact 2 times this last week before I got it. For good. Doesn't need to make sense to human me, it makes sense to my soul and it's my soul and spirit so that's all that needs to be considered and acknowledged.
My humanity doesn't serve me for moments when I sit and think 'how could they seriously not understand this?' or 'how can they not see this?' - I just don't understand how other people can't get it.
And that's a big part to my patience and probably the fact that at least up there I was the one who was able to drop signs and appear to people. You know? I was taking a part in things.
Even for the times I'm depressed or upset or my self injury creeps back in... I still understand, as I always have I guess, that humanity is something we all agree to. We sign on the dotted line when we come to earth, and that's all there is to it.
I made an agreement to be here. I made an agreement to go thru these things with these people and these circumstances. I chose this.
And I have a mission. I have a purpose. I have a reason.
If I was to kill myself, I just have to fucking come right back anyways. Because everyone needs to learn their lessons here first. And if you didn't complete your mission or learn your lesson, you've got to come back and live virtually the same story over and over again in different bodies until you ultimately finish it and finish it right.
There are so many people connected to other people from past lifetimes and other shit. Signs and roads guiding people places.
I get so frustrated that I can see it so easily for so many other people, but I get too much in my own head and my own humanity for my own shit most of the time.
Hence drugs. Addiction. Self injury. Drinking.
The most highly sensitive people are addicts. Trying to numb the shit going on they don't understand in a thousand ways. Spirit stuff mixing with human stuff and soul stuff that creates all sorts of chaos.
I don't want to die. I don't. I very much enjoy my human life. My body is pretty fucking fantastic, too. I like it. This world is really cool. It's pretty awesome to live as a human with all this 'extra' stuff. Soul stuff. Spirit stuff most people deny. Some people confuse this shit with some sort of death dream. Not at all. Not in the slightest.
Do I miss spirit? Yeah. I do. A lot. Doesn't mean I want to go there, not fucking yet, I've got a lot to do and more people to meet and shit. Lots to do. But I miss it. I remember it, and I miss it.
My Uncle who could do this stuff way better than me had a dream (remembrance) of spirit and my Aunt had to quite literally keep him from killing himself for a month. Wouldn't let him drive anywhere and wasn't allowed to be alone. Thank God he was super honest with her about that stuff.
I do, tho. I miss it.
That's a big part of why I enjoy my spirit friends so much. They're really all I have left. The only people who got me and who I am in a way no one else has yet was Kyle and Jared. They both killed themselves, so they're not constant anymore or tangible. But, they're in spirit too.
There was a small window after Kyle killed himself that I did consider. Re-consider suicide in terms of getting the fuck out of here. Not for depression or anything like that, but because I believed in Kyle. And truly, he was all I had. I don't get that close to people. And he was gone. He left.
It helped (but didn't) when he came to say goodbye to me. Right after he died, and he came to talk to me.
I wanted to go with him.
My best friend. The only person here who got me, who understood me, who cared... He couldn't do it.
What the hell made me think I could?
Then my sanity came back to me. And Kyle yelled at me.
Then, I met Jared.
A lot like Kyle. He got it. He lived from his heart, emotions ran deep, super smart, talented beyond words... Surprised to meet another man like that.
Then he jumped off a fucking building.
I can't lie; I threw in the towel then. Somewhere in my heart I did. That's pretty fucking unbelievable, right? Two, in my one lifetime. Just this one.
But I know they saved my life. And that brings tears to my eyes.
Kyle truly saved my life.
Had I not seen the horrifying effects of suicide, for real, I can't say I wouldn't have taken my own life at some point.
I remember standing outside at his funeral and sobbing. For the first time in my life, I appreciated my life. And it took Kyle taking his for me to appreciate mine.
In a fucked up way... He saved me. It was all predestined. I have a hard time when mediums say suicides are predestined. Some are, some aren't. But to analyze in that way... He did save my life.
My best friend saved me.
I wonder how we knew each other in past lives. We must have.
I know we will meet again in this life. I know we will. I've been told so, and I know it.
How do humans say that to each other?
Would they even believe me?
I don't understand a lot of things, but I understand lots of things most people don't believe or don't want to understand.
Isn't too helpful now is it? Not to me.
Or maybe it is. I don't know.
I live from my soul. As often as I can, anyways. That's what we are are, right? That's really all I know.
In a world that is numb and blind by everything and to everything... That isn't me. I see more than I want to, feel more than I once knew how to deal with, and hear things I'm still (as a human) learning how to digest and share with 'the peoples'.
I really do feel like an alien. Trying to fit in. Trying to blend. Or, something.
I'm not sure of much.
I don't really understand anything or anyone (human choices and stuff anyways).
What I do know, or get... I fucking know it. Without one shadow of a doubt. It's really the only shit that's for sure.
In a world full of blind, fake and numb - people want proof. Proof of the only thing you can't prove.
I use to talk to Kyle and Jared (mostly Kyle) about this type of shit. They're gone now, so... Bloggy.
I don't even know what's happening here anymore. I'm beyond exhausted, and starving. I should probably sleep.
A ponder. As per usual.
Eat, then sleep.