Monday, November 30, 2015

Midnight Ponder pt. 26,111

I think one of the most beautiful things about life is getting the chance to remember everything we forgot.

When we're born, we get this type of human amnesia. We forget where we came from, who we were before, all that stuff. 

Often times I feel like I'm a walker between worlds. I remembered so much when I was little. So much. Then, being told I was crazy and not having roads to travel to find out more - not knowing what was going on, who I really was, feeling things from others so deeply, absorbing energy that wasn't mine... I didn't even have the language for it. 

As I got older, my 21st birthday to be exact, Kyle's Mom played a huge role in my destiny/fate by giving me 'Love, Lucy'. The book by Lucille Ball that led to me opening my 'spiritual doors', so to speak - and bringing Lucy right in. Front and center. 

Her identity as of late being a famous actress (legend) didn't help my human brain rationalize it. But, the road further traveled led me to a medium who explained our many connections. Going beyond this lifetime. I have been her daughter before, she's been my mother before, we've been sisters before. Our souls have known each other in many, many lifetimes. 

Her identity and body in her most recent one was just in the line of business I've worked my ass off to be in. Even before I ever met her. Coincidence? No. There are none.

Patience is a big issue for me. My connection to my very last experience is very present. Goddess is what mediums have told me I was called. A light being. I cared for people and even taught some souls that crossed over. My soul caught on fast I guess. 

Well, that doesn't surprise me.

But I'm still super connected to that 'everything happens as soon as you think it' existence. You're wherever you want to be in the span of a heartbeat. Anywhere in the world. You can be with whoever you chose in any moment. You don't need money or a house or a job. You just are. You exist in the love and light. You are literally one with everything. 

Now, here, humanity. 

A body that requires shit. Mostly what the media tries to sell people. And I'm a people. 

I've got organs that make my body work, and keep my soul grounded here on earth. Keeps me living life with other people. I need to pee and eat and do other shit like shower and shave. 

I have a brain that has gotten away with itself, so I have to go overboard to try and remember what humanity and this world has made me forget. Spiritual truths that help me stay more on the side of soul/sanity instead of the insane humanity that I'm living with and for.

I've been sent with all types of passions and goals that are totally fucking hard wired in my existence. Because I've got plans and a mission. Because no one is ever sent here with nothing. Everyone has a reason and a purpose. Everyone, and every thing. 

And the divine and spirit tries to help. Sits by you when you sleep (seen it). Holds you while you cry (experienced that). Sends you signs and hints and things humans call 'coincidences' to help you along. Even for people who don't believe and don't see or hear anything, ever. To affirm choices and confirm things. Or show you a new direction and new people and stuff.

It's so hard to know/feel all that stuff and still battle humanity. Being human.

I really feel, more often than not, I'm some alien that is trying to convince everyone else I'm one of them. Truly. That's how I feel.

& I know everyone is living their own lessons and paths and destinies and shit, but, I just feel different. Way different than everyone else.

I don't understand lots of stuff. Relationships, bad ones, rule most people's lives and minds. Why? Jumping from bed to bed or lips to lips with anyone who is cute? Because people can't be alone? Because they feel like they're supposed to? I just don't understand it. 

Most highly spiritual people are asexual. They don't know they are, but they are. 

I certainly wouldn't say this human life I have is able to be defined by anything, I don't like labels for anything, humans fluctuate between so many 'lables' during their lifetime it isn't even funny. I'd never want to be held to anything, because I'm not any one thing. But, demisexual and sapiosexual are definitions many spiritual people put on themselves. Again, not one to define, but it fits me most of the time. 

I know I'll know when I meet the man I'm supposed to be with. Meet, actually physically meet. That's as far as my energy work takes me in human life thus far. 

Even still, I'm human.

I second guess. I question spiritual intuition and truths. It's so stupid, but a habit humans make because 'that stuff doesn't exist'.

I've had my intuition scream at me and me question it and have it backfire in my fact 2 times this last week before I got it. For good. Doesn't need to make sense to human me, it makes sense to my soul and it's my soul and spirit so that's all that needs to be considered and acknowledged. 

My humanity doesn't serve me for moments when I sit and think 'how could they seriously not understand this?' or 'how can they not see this?' - I just don't understand how other people can't get it. 

And that's a big part to my patience and probably the fact that at least up there I was the one who was able to drop signs and appear to people. You know? I was taking a part in things.

Even for the times I'm depressed or upset or my self injury creeps back in... I still understand, as I always have I guess, that humanity is something we all agree to. We sign on the dotted line when we come to earth, and that's all there is to it. 

I made an agreement to be here. I made an agreement to go thru these things with these people and these circumstances. I chose this. 

And I have a mission. I have a purpose. I have a reason. 

If I was to kill myself, I just have to fucking come right back anyways. Because everyone needs to learn their lessons here first. And if you didn't complete your mission or learn your lesson, you've got to come back and live virtually the same story over and over again in different bodies until you ultimately finish it and finish it right.

There are so many people connected to other people from past lifetimes and other shit. Signs and roads guiding people places. 

I get so frustrated that I can see it so easily for so many other people, but I get too much in my own head and my own humanity for my own shit most of the time.

Hence drugs. Addiction. Self injury. Drinking. 

The most highly sensitive people are addicts. Trying to numb the shit going on they don't understand in a thousand ways. Spirit stuff mixing with human stuff and soul stuff that creates all sorts of chaos.

I don't want to die. I don't. I very much enjoy my human life. My body is pretty fucking fantastic, too. I like it. This world is really cool. It's pretty awesome to live as a human with all this 'extra' stuff. Soul stuff. Spirit stuff most people deny. Some people confuse this shit with some sort of death dream. Not at all. Not in the slightest.

Do I miss spirit? Yeah. I do. A lot. Doesn't mean I want to go there, not fucking yet, I've got a lot to do and more people to meet and shit. Lots to do. But I miss it. I remember it, and I miss it.

My Uncle who could do this stuff way better than me had a dream (remembrance) of spirit and my Aunt had to quite literally keep him from killing himself for a month. Wouldn't let him drive anywhere and wasn't allowed to be alone. Thank God he was super honest with her about that stuff. 

I do, tho. I miss it.

That's a big part of why I enjoy my spirit friends so much. They're really all I have left. The only people who got me and who I am in a way no one else has yet was Kyle and Jared. They both killed themselves, so they're not constant anymore or tangible. But, they're in spirit too.

There was a small window after Kyle killed himself that I did consider. Re-consider suicide in terms of getting the fuck out of here. Not for depression or anything like that, but because I believed in Kyle. And truly, he was all I had. I don't get that close to people. And he was gone. He left.

It helped (but didn't) when he came to say goodbye to me. Right after he died, and he came to talk to me. 

I wanted to go with him. 

My best friend. The only person here who got me, who understood me, who cared... He couldn't do it.

What the hell made me think I could?

Then my sanity came back to me. And Kyle yelled at me. 

Then, I met Jared.

A lot like Kyle. He got it. He lived from his heart, emotions ran deep, super smart, talented beyond words... Surprised to meet another man like that. 

Then he jumped off a fucking building.

I can't lie; I threw in the towel then. Somewhere in my heart I did. That's pretty fucking unbelievable, right? Two, in my one lifetime. Just this one.

But I know they saved my life. And that brings tears to my eyes.

Kyle truly saved my life.

Had I not seen the horrifying effects of suicide, for real, I can't say I wouldn't have taken my own life at some point. 

I remember standing outside at his funeral and sobbing. For the first time in my life, I appreciated my life. And it took Kyle taking his for me to appreciate mine.

In a fucked up way... He saved me. It was all predestined. I have a hard time when mediums say suicides are predestined. Some are, some aren't. But to analyze in that way... He did save my life.

My best friend saved me.

I wonder how we knew each other in past lives. We must have.

I know we will meet again in this life. I know we will. I've been told so, and I know it.

How do humans say that to each other?

Would they even believe me?

Probably not.

I don't understand a lot of things, but I understand lots of things most people don't believe or don't want to understand. 

Isn't too helpful now is it? Not to me.

Or maybe it is. I don't know.

I live from my soul. As often as I can, anyways. That's what we are are, right? That's really all I know.

In a world that is numb and blind by everything and to everything... That isn't me. I see more than I want to, feel more than I once knew how to deal with, and hear things I'm still (as a human) learning how to digest and share with 'the peoples'.

I really do feel like an alien. Trying to fit in. Trying to blend. Or, something. 

I'm not sure of much.

I don't really understand anything or anyone (human choices and stuff anyways). 

What I do know, or get... I fucking know it. Without one shadow of a doubt. It's really the only shit that's for sure.

In a world full of blind, fake and numb - people want proof. Proof of the only thing you can't prove.

Ironic.

I use to talk to Kyle and Jared (mostly Kyle) about this type of shit. They're gone now, so... Bloggy. 

I don't even know what's happening here anymore. I'm beyond exhausted, and starving. I should probably sleep.

A ponder. As per usual.

Eat, then sleep.



XO


Sunday, November 29, 2015

Conversations with my Mom: Stop.

<phone rings>

Me: Hey.

Mom: I know something I want for Christmas.

Me: What?

Mom: There's this earring and it goes into your ear but it has a chain to a cuff thing for the top of your ear.

Me: ...No.

Mom: What do you mean 'no'? If I want it I'm gonna get it.

Me: Not from me.

Mom: Why not?

Me: Mom, you made fun of me for wearing those in fucking 7th grade.

Mom: No I didn't.

Me: Yes, you did.

Mom: No I didn't.

Me: Okay Mom.

Mom: I want one. 

Me: Do you want purple hair, too?

Mom: Actually...

Me: ...oh god...

Mom: ...I saw this thing on Pinterest with a girl with pastel colored hair. I really liked it.

Me: Mom.

Mom: You have your belly button pierced right?

Me: You know I do, you signed for it when I was 15.

Mom: Did it hurt?

Me: Mom! Stop! Have you been smoking crack?

Mom: No, but I'll tell you who has... Our phone company, that's who.

Me: I'm concerned for your mental health.

Mom: Oh don't be. My God, April, I'm trying to live a little.

Me: The earring with the cuff is more acceptable than pastel colored hair.

Mom: And who is being judgemental and rude now?

Me: You. For putting up unnecessary arguments when I was in MIDDLE SCHOOL for wanting all these same things.

<silence, quiet laughter>

Me: ...& what do you have to say for yourself?

Mom: It just took me a little longer to get 'with it'. <snapping in the BG>

Me: Wow.

<howling laughter from Mom>

Me: Have you talked to anyone else about this?

Mom: Just you.

Me: Oh joy.

Mom: I'll be emailing you from Pinterest. They do that, right?

Me: Yeah, they do that.

Mom: Okay. Goodbye. I'm gonna go party.

Me: Wow.

<more howling laughter as she hung up>

___

Note: 
** I'll be getting her everything she asked for, plus a shirt that says, "I don't give a damn about my reputation" and maybe Joan Jett's CD. 



Thursday, November 26, 2015

Thanksgiving '15

Oh what a relaxing day. 

Grateful for these.

Spent the day doing me things. I didn't feel like spending time with anyone. Truly, I'm not much for holidays anymore. When I was young they were decent. 

Now they're a chore. A task I don't want to participate in. When I have a family of my own, they'll be good again. But for now, why? So we can all just look at each other for a couple mins then go to neutral corners?

Pointless.

I've spent the majority of the day trying to touch base with a dear friend of mine who has been very seriously battling an eating disorder and hasn't responded to anything I've been sending her for the last two weeks. I'm worried.

*sigh*

At least we've had the conversation several times about how she knows this can kill her and I told her I can't lose someone else and she says I can't force her to recover and I say why not and she says it's her choice and I have to get okay with that.

Can't save people. That's a reality.

I'm just worrying.

Yesterday I heard my first child ghost. Some little kid talking about someone named Tom/Tommy. 

Got a flash of Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. Don't know what the hell that means. 

Hung out with Lucy today, tho. That's nice.

We talked about how she died for the first time. Never talked about that before.

I turned on the TV and 'Here's Lucy' was on, so I went and put some different DVD's on. 

She sat down and was like, "A damn aneurism."

I asked, "Did it hurt?"

She didn't answer that, just said, "It was a bitch. Can't believe that's what did me in."

Little side chatter about shit that I can't ever make happen. She did say, "Stop living in the past, April. There's so much you can do now."

(I was complaining about not being able to have ever seen a live taping of 'I Love Lucy'.)

It really does suck. I know if I'd have made a big enough deal - chatted with the right people and showed up religiously - I would have been able to at least been a stage hand and then worked my way up once I proved I was serious and hard working. Not trying to fool around and spaz out.

She made two other fans assistants and producers and worked them up when they showed serious interest. And, of course, they weren't fucking psychos. 

She's always been super protective of young women, so once I showed I was serious and all that I would have certainly been in. 

I mean I might not have gotten some work experience with her permission in life, but I mean she's my guide now so I still win. 

We talked about walking the line between seriousness and being funny. As a woman, anyways. As a man? You say when. There's a clear line when you're not fooling around or making a joke. It stops. Women? Not so much. So we chatted about that. In terms of publicly anyways. 

We talked before about hard work and stuff but she's still so proud of the work she and Desi put in for 'I Love Lucy'. No one believed in them so they put their own money up, built the soundstage themselves. Did most of the jobs on their own. Lucy wore most of her own personal dresses for the longest time, and so forth. 

She said it's a habit she carried thru her career. And she noticed that type of passion in people easy, and worked hard to support them and wherever they wanted to go in their careers.

Do you know before Barbra Eden was anyone, she was on 'I Love Lucy'. Her dress wasn't very fancy, and Lucy said she should have a more beautiful dress. So Lucy personally spent the night hand sewing dozens of little rhinestones all over it before the taping. 

The owner of the show, of the studio, the star, hand sewing you're dress because she thinks you should have a nicer one. That's so thoughtful. 

That's a person I'd want to work with. 

I'm really lucky to have her as my guide. 

I'll get to work with her one day. I'm not sure when or where or how... But any orange lens flares that don't seem to be a flare and there's no explanation - or weird audio - that's her. She's usually an orange light anyways. Orange or red.

"The most important thing isn't to figure out how to 'act' it. It's how to make yourself truly believe it." 

She always says that.

Did my manifestation/miracle/gratitude candle last night/today. 

The new moon has been keeping me up. Ugh. Didn't even know it could do that until I read Doreen Virtue's post. Made sense.

Did laundry. Joy.

I'm pretty sure I've accidentally 'adopted' a new spirit. All it takes is interest. Watched a documentary type thing the other night and, yeah.... Had a really funky dream that night that I really didn't enjoy, and have felt a new energy lingering. 

His energy kind of reminds me of Kyle, so... There's a soft spot right there.

Usually when I find out someone new is hanging around, I go do crazy research so I can learn. But I'm nervous. I don't like that kind of shit, and I don't want to accidentally stumble upon anything I won't be able to erase from my head.

But - he's the youngest male spirit (if I'm right) besides Kyle and Jared. Pretty sure they'd love him, tho. And if he came in at all, Lucy has allowed it. So...

So weird and hard to understand. I'm telling you.

I think I'm gonna go put my big girl panties on and go research. Prepare in case I'm about to make a new friend.

Be grateful for everything today. Cherish all of your moments, because that means you are alive and that's a beautiful thing.

My heart goes out to anyone working retail this Black Friday. Ye-gods. Be safe out there.

XO

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Welcome to my mind...

Weird dreams continue.

Some kind of dream about some type of printing press and different colored bees wax and painting some blue shit on it... I'm confused.

At least there's no more scary past life dreams. I asked for them to stop, so, yay.

Sissy has been around basically all day. I really am beginning to wonder if she fully and completely understands she's dead. 

I think she does, she just... Is trying to still live some kind of normal life with normal friendship. She never had that, not really. 

So sad.

Edited like 3 more videos today. Progress. Like, 40 more to go.

Doing some treatments soon for another branch of a series I'm planning. Will see what happens with that. Working on the detachment parts of life. Expect and hope, but don't attach. Would be so much easier if I had some type of mentorship assistance, but I'm truly no longer attached to that expectation/desire. Obviously that's not what the world has planned for me.

Or is destined for me, anyways.

Got into a mini argument with Jared the other night. Interesting. 

Bless him and Kyle for still working their magic, tho. Grateful for that, even if I don't understand it. Or have a clear outline of what's being done anyways.

Came up with another series idea today, see what will happen with that. I'm just an idea machine, and I come up with more ideas and visions than I can/at the time am able to clearly execute. 

One day it'll benefit me, I suppose.

*shrug*

Considering a second learning attempt via some things a spirit friend has left behind. Already watched it all once, so second time is for absorbing more knowledge. Hopefully if I ask him to be present and teach me he will. 

I would like to get on another set and just watch and learn from a different level this time. With the intention of having my guides present to comment on things and help teach me via whatever set it is, and to just see what's going on (it's been awhile since I've been on some big set)... I just love learning. And I feel like I learn at a superhuman level. 

As they say - you make the intention, and open the channel, and stay alert and absorbing... It's a crazy experience. 

I know Lucy would be barking stuff in my ear the whole time. Which, I welcome. I wish I had been in the spirit/teaching/learning zone on the other big sets I've been on. But, I wasn't this far on my journey at those times.

Blah.

This is the limbo where I'm not tired but I don't have energy to go do anything. There's nothing worth a damn on TV, I've watched basically every documentary or show/film of substance on Netflix... Then my mind travels to work or scripts or editing or new ideas and new concepts and new series and new marketing ideas and tactics and finding something new to learn. 

Or the ideas and videos I still have to do and so on and so forth.

Then spirit, because there's nothing else to do for the moment. So might as well talk to them. Or do nothing with them, just chill.

And I don't have many friends to just chat with and stuff, so... Just sit inside and talk to spirit. At least that's fun and interesting, explore more of that side of myself/my gift/my souls oneness to everything.

I've already meditated today and listened to all my positive affirmations and stuff. 

Wednesday is a New Moon. I can get my positive intentions/manifestation candle ready I suppose. Let that hang with some crystals and charge for awhile.

Maybe do a tarot reading on myself, watch some more videos from Doreen Virtue in her classes series to teach more about the tarot. 

Yeah, probably candle and tarot. Why not?

Welcome to my mind. 

Ramble. Ramble for days. 

XO

Monday, November 23, 2015

Nom

Be careful what you wish for.

I figured I'd do the dream info thing last night, and boy was I sorry. 

I had the most disturbing dream I've ever had in my life. But, I asked for it. 

And I've arrived at a new conclusion... Maybe I/she (past life) was dead the whole time, and I just watched shit that was done? So that's how I remember certain things? 

It was so disturbing I had to be woken up in the middle of it. I couldn't take anymore. I woke up with so many angels I didn't even open my eyes. I just kept them closed, was reminded I was safe and home and in my own body, and cried. 

There's no way I could handle a past life regression. I couldn't do it.

Lucy has been around all day, doing seniority ranked spirit therapy. It was rough. 

Anybody that could do such horrifying things to another human being is certainly the devil. That's just pure evil. 

Very upsetting. Still dealing with it. 

Be fucking careful what you ask for. 

Be kind to others. Really. Treat others with compassion and kindness. It's never a bad thing. 

First snow of the year came today... Beautiful. Loved that. Very pretty.

*sigh*

Disturbed. 

Had a great convo with Lucy. Which is less frequent now compared to before, and fleeting so I usually forget (hence why I type this type of stuff here). 

She told me to keep doing what I'm doing, and I'm fine. My ideas are good and she isn't worried about me at all. "You're a hard worker, kid, with a heart of gold. You keep expecting this to be one-two-bang! It's not. I keep having to reminding you I was 40 when my career first started."

She didn't seem as enthusiastic as usual, so I don't know what was up but yeah she's there and I'm thankful. Having some doubt right now, and she kept saying 'stick to it', so... Yeah. 

Dubs is excited. He also sung 'Hello' to me. Specifically, "...hello from the Othersiiiiiiide". Go figure.

In other news:

I was in line at the grocery store today while an older man in front of me was telling the woman ringing the groceries a joke.

It was pretty bare. Not many people around. One or two other cashiers. Man behind me.

This woman ringing the groceries starts cracking up with him as they get to the punch line of this joke.

Suddenly, loudly, I hear "Oh come on, that wasn't even funny."

I looked around for who said that. When I found no one, I realized internally that I was picking up his deceased wife around him. That must have been who it was, because it certainly wasn't from anyone around us.

Quite interesting. I was zoned out, too, so that helped. 

His wife didn't think he was very funny at all, or even half with it. 

Or maybe it was the wife of the dude behind me?

It was someone's wife who didn't think it was funny. Again, I'm no professional so working on who belongs to who.

Edited another 2 videos together tonight. Win win. Joy. Two down, 50 more to go.

I'm gonna go stuff my face now. 

As Jared always texted me when he was eating: Nom Nom.

XO

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Wild

I'm telling you, every time I go to learn and explore something about my suspected past life (one of them, the big murder), I can't even begin. Every video and image is just of the body all horrifyingly out and disfigured and everything. I can't even do it. 

Sissy (my new name for Miss M) said, "Oh honey stop that, you're just upsetting yourself." I was. It made me nauseous. I couldn't even... Just, so horrible and so horrifying. So maddening and makes me so angry. So, so angry. Me or not, so many people got away with it. So many. Hid and covered up and paid off. So, so angry. Fuck you Hollywood, fuck you for doing that to me/her. Fuck. You. 

... I've been told/read/know that one carries anger/fears/phobias from past lives to present ones, and I'm sure that's part of my anger at so many industry things. I bet. Makes sense. So much of it makes sense.

But I'm still curious as to how I saw her then, in spirit. I've read/watched interviews of mediums explain that you split, and part of that life lingers in spirit so you can still in a way communicate. Because I've seen her, head to toe. And if she's me, how is that possible?

I'm pretty certain most of what was done to me/her I was asleep for. Knocked out. But I know I/she was raped and shit, by different people, while I was tied up. But what they did to my/her face? I'm pretty sure I/she was awake for. 

Makes me so sick. & sad. & angry.

There's one man (not sure if I mentioned this before) who basically solved her/my murder and wrote books and shit all about it that I want to thank, and sit down with, but... I'm scared it would turn into something I don't want it to be. I don't want to be some freak pranced thru different media circuits and shit. So, no. I'm scared. So I say nothing. 

I keep feeling myself slipping back into fear with this past life, and that hinders all connection with spirit. So, I think I'll just ask for dream guidance... But even that I'm scared of. I don't know which point my/her soul was taken from her body, and I don't want to have to go thru all that. I really, really don't. I've already lived enough trauma in this life. 

I've only experienced my death from the Titanic after I was dead. After I had died. I thought I could breathe under water for the longest time. Even my Mom told me after I found out and told her that I was terrified of water for a long time when I was a baby. She took me to the doctor about it. Makes sense! 

How come all my deaths were huge historic deals? Egypt. Salem. Titanic. This murder. It's crazy. This life will be peaceful. That I know.

It's crazy to think that we're all going to die, isn't it? That you will one day be back in the world of spirit. Wild. 

I still can't believe my Kyle and Jared are there. I can't believe they died. They committed suicide, but still... They had their hearts stop beating. Stopped breathing. They died. 

That's... Wild.

Pondering. 

Lots of pondering. 

Living a human experience is wild, man. Knowing all this shit. Being so connected to spirit and past life knowledge. I mean, wild. 

Craziness.

Just a spiritual, light being - a soul - living another human experience. 

I have the sense that my soul is so strong, and that's why I've been destined to die all the deaths I have. Someone had to do it, and I agreed to it all before I came to this earth. 

Hell yes I deserved to be a Goddess. Geez. That's the least I could get. That even makes sense, why I ascended so high and spent so long there. Cleaning and clearing, then here I am now. A good 40 human, earth years, and I am back! 

Wild.

Stuff of stories and fairy tales and TV shows, I tell ya. Almost offensive. Like "but... It's real. It's not make-believe. It's real. How do I know? I've lived it. How dare you make it fake and to be make-believe." But the sheer fact that it is made to be make-believe even proves that it's known enough to be made into such things because stories and real events and shit have been told and experienced by real people like me who remember. Who are connected.

I think my problem with patience is my carry-over from spirit. How long I spent there and that things happened there in an instant. Or I could make things happen in an instant, anyways.

...Wild.

I've had some toxic people try to come back into my life, and have had to say no. Or, avoid in order to be polite. Or answer with one word. Not doing it again. Nope!

My guides are so excited for my new shit I'm doing on YouTube. More excited than I am. Lucy is hype. I can feel energy transferring to things and moving around. It's ... Wild. Haha. That's the blog title, got it.

Sissy wants me to go to LA again. Why? I was going to go but I can't now, I have to focus on all this new channel shit. I was gonna go before but then this last company pulled the plug, and now I have to focus on all these new videos and shit. But the only reason would be so she can have me go to her house again. I'm telling you, I've said it a million times, she just wants me to be her pal. To pal around town. She wishes she could take me out to eat and have sleepovers and take me shopping (I'm like the little sister dress up doll for her). Very cute, and one day I'd like to go to her house. I'd take my medium friend tho, since I don't want to do that alone. Seeing as how she died there and everything. 

I really can't wait till my kids start meeting these people. All kids can see and hear; all of us could. It's just taken out of us as we get older. So, when they're playing with whoever and I ask them to point to a picture (like a police line up), and they pick the right person... That'll be pretty cool.

Like, I'm pretty sure that when my kids are like - I don't know, 10? I could leave them alone (but I wouldn't), and Lucy would babysit. She is excited, and I haven't even ran into the man yet! Figure that one out, Mama Lucy. 

It'll be nice to be able to let them know they're just people and to not be scared. They'll be so much better off, and in a more open minded and supportive home for that shit than I was. I've got a hunch my future-husband has some gifts of his own and is way better than he knows he could ever be. 

And it's true... It runs in the family. My Mom would play with her guardian angel, and knew her past life husband died in a war. Then she grew out of that stuff and was told it's crazy and now believes it's partially crazy. Her brother, my Uncle saw dead people for awhile. Only mentioned it to me once or twice. Then never again. 

My Grandma saw stuff, mentioned it to me a couple times. And her brother was SUPER great at it. He saw 9-11 before it happened, and always talked openly about that stuff. My cousin is 13 and has conversations with her Grandpa who died, ate an entire meal with him and stuff after he passed. Everyone thought she was crazy except his wife and me. 

Runs in families. 

It'll be interesting. 

I'm pretty certain Lucy was around when I was a baby and I just don't remember. I had a weird obsession with red haired women, and surprise! 21st birthday I got a Lucy book and all this happened for me. She was waiting. 

Oh this seems to be all I talk about here but it's the only place I can talk about it. And it's so fascinating to me, helps me explore it. 

I'm meeting Ashley Gray's new dog tomorrow, so that's exciting. And editing more videos to get ready. Editing and playing with puppies. Joy! 

My Luna-Belle says its bedtime. 

Goodnight Moon.

XO

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Gave myself a headache with this one.

I love my people. I really do. 

Human, animal and spirit. All souls.

Filmed, like, 5 videos today for my upcoming YouTube extravaganza. My guides are more excited about it than I am, I swear.

Got to jam with my sister from another mister, Miss M today. She really enjoys bopping me on the nose, for whatever reason. And still does renditions of her songs perfectly. 

She loves that song '2 On'. Have I mentioned that before?

She's been coming up a lot again lately. Wonder what's going on. They've all been on the louder side recently. 

Probably the increase of work. As usual. They all pop in at a very loud volume when I'm working. Actual work, not just hustling. 

I'd rather say I was dancing around by myself than to say it was with a bunch of dead people. 

Smelt smoke REALLY strong, like someone blew smoke right in my face. Only for a second, then it went away. No clue who that was.

Taking myself on a trip down memory lane and watching Buffy again. Why? Because I can, and it's better than anything else. Joss writes strong, powerful women wonderfully. Thank you, Joss. 

My fucking DREAM was to be on Buffy. *sigh* Oh well. Maybe one day, somehow... Some way.

I would tell my sisters friends I was a vampire slayer when they would come over. She was so embarrassed, it was great. Kept them all away from me, haha. My friends would go along with it, too. "She is! Why do you think you still have a school to go to?" Oh, the good old days.

They weren't too good, but, they had their moments.

Everyone always talked about how they thought I looked like Eliza Dushku for so long. Reminded them of her. People would call me Faith or Dushku, not on my own implication. I'm telling you, Buffy was big in schools when I was going to school at that age. I was like 7-9 when it started, and that's when I started watching.

These kids now run around pretending to be little comic book heroes or whatever. We pretended to be Buffy and stuff. Which was super cool for girls back then, since there was like nothing. And she was so much more delevoped as a character than really any of them now. An actual human being who had feelings and was human. Strong but not perfect. Joss is the truth.

Would love to be in something he wrote and directs. That would still be like living the dream. Kind of. 

And can we talk about how fucking wonderful Angel is? Jeeeeezzzus. Not in the weird stalkery backwards ass way that bullshit Twilight made that 'type' of character desirable (how? How did that happen?), no. Buffy even said once I think "stalking isn't a big turn on for girls". Just, yes. Go Joss.

He's smart, super smart, knows God knows how many languages (1 additional language is good enough but how many?! I think it was something like 5 or 10?), does good things for people all the time, actually protects her, gets it, fucking gorgeous, isn't an asshole or some sexist douchebag or creepy pervert who doesn't know what 'no' means. Really, perfect. Even the leaving for her own good was noble, but I mean if it was me that's when I would call bullshit and just... Not acceptable. And fuck you Joss. Fuck right the Fuck off with that shit. In some backwards way that felt like saying 'if sex isn't a part of the deal then I'm going because I don't think it's okay for you', therefore implying sex is an absolute must and at the same time denouncing her conclusions from her own contemplation of said issue and deciding for her because 'she doesn't know any better'. Which wasn't cool. Isn't. 

Bbbuuutttt... I feel like 'too many cooks in the kitchen' toward that point and that's really, in my opinion, when the show took a weird fucked up turn. Because really, using the shows facts and made up history... Simple to figure a way around that for that couple, but splitting them and giving the audience something to hate us for meanwhile kind of wait to be fixed gives us X amount of additional episodes and potential storylines. 

*shrug* It's whatever. 

I have so many videos to edit, it's insane. 

The VFX were on point in this show for being as old as it was then. Makeup and shit. Great. Less is always more. Even when the budget got bigger and visuals and stuff improved, they didn't get too crazy. Excellent choice. The line of believability and un-believability is so much on those decisions. Even for shit you'd assume is clearly unbelievable. What anyone could see on their day to day travels, so to speak, is more believable than some CGI bullshit. And really from a marketing perspective (tying it in) for audience, your ability to carry them between age brackets thru your show when the 'less is more' thing is applied. 

Cartoony crap is great for kids, but that's a revolving door of kid audience. May keep watching here or there for nostalgia or to keep tabs then they grow out of it. When it's more simple and believable, visually speaking again with the CGI and FX type stuff, the older they get they're more likely to keep watching. They're not growing out of anything, they're more evolving with the story. Not hooked on inescapable visuals. Which is what a teenager will keep seeing. The WWE is a perfect example, if researched and shit in the same context. 

But regardless, when a story gets too crazy... Eh. Goodbye.

Starting out with characters highschool or college age is perfect too. Same thing. Kids aren't put off by older kids, and they're kind of following their lives. They don't look at them as peers and for whatever reason as they grow and the show continues they no longer care since seen as a peer. If someone the same age, college age, starts watching, their maturity level is beyond the 'peer to peer' social media type judgement, so they watch for the story. 

Disney shows, recent ones, are a good example of that. Again, if applied in the same context. 

Of course not with every damn thing and duh these are my personal observations and shit related to the extensive research I've done on all the things when I was sitting home alone in LA angry at not getting a job because I refused to do X, Y & Z.

Or, because the 1,000+ headshots and shit I mailed to everyone weren't getting a bite anywhere.

Like watching Buffy, season 1, I feel really confident that I could have realistically done the jobs of - art department, locations, B-cam or 2nd cam unit op, editing and mixing audio and sound effects and even some visual effects in editing. 

They had smaller sets then, that season - especially the first couple episodes - than later on. Smaller sets are the best anyways, but yeah. It's insane to see how long these damn TV shows take to film. One episode takes a fucking week? 10 days? Eh. Okay? Don't get it.

Lucy was done from start to finish in like 4 days. Get script, rehearse, shoot, edit, air. Filmed one whole episode in a day or two. And that was live, so, even less of an excuse for the people doing shit to record now and send off later. A week to do that? Sit around forever while too many people (which is why it takes so damn long, too many fucking people) figure how to light and block and move however many camera units. 

I mean I've said before that's why I picked up producing and started learning other jobs. The shit I've been involved in and worked on that was huge studio shit or multi million dollar shit was, honestly, nowhere near as together as indie shit. Never. Just more fancy because of the money. But in time management and actual work being done, useful time and shit... No way. An indie film could dance circles around any huge production. We laugh. 10 days. Haha. Give my crew every resource and shit, I can have your episode to you in 5. Completed. To be edited. 

Script completed and final on Monday. No table reads, we're all professionals and we auditioned and saw you and we know what you do and how you do it. Wrap locations first, not actors. I've been taught that's the best way, and I've been shown that it is. Wrap locations, and that quickens everything. Much smother. Everything here? Bam. One day. Get it done. No more sitting on your ass, actors. You're hustling and getting in and out of wardrobes and no extensive, unnecessary takes. Fucking 3, bam. Out. Done. We auditioned you. You know the lines. You get it. Done. Easy. Wrap. Set up all the angles, chalk-sketch cam movements (much easier than tape). Clint Eastwood does know what he's doing there too. You have to spend serious effort to talk that man into like 2-3 takes. He knows what's up.

Time is money, is it not? They'd love indie crews. As long as the indie crews didn't get distracted and brainwashed by all the money and fancy shit, then it would be 300% fantastic. 

UPM is my favorite, other than acting. When I'm running the set, I would find myself constantly being a time manager. Time management. Asking why it's taking so long, and ending up teaching more than working. Which is no problem, just fun to try and remix your vocabulary so it doesn't sound like teaching to people who would probably get offended if they knew they were being taught.

Let them think it's their idea.

Back on the Buffy thing - watching her get skinnier and skinnier and very noticeably loose hair (not from bleaching, from being so thin) really was disheartening. They put her thru the ringer.

I always think of that story Megan Mullally told on her old talk show that is probably the reason her show got 'cancelled'. The heads of NBC met with her and told her that Karen (while she was on Will & Grace) would be better if she was thinner. Megan told them to kiss her ass, as she should. Heidi Klum (spell it right?) was on that episode too, and talked about how the Victoria Secret people and her agents and shit told her she was too fat to walk the runway. Hence her having stopped it apparently. 

Fucked up.

So, who knows what Sarah Michelle Gellar was told. Her energy back then reminds me of my little Ashley Gray. Really cute and stuff and fierce but personally, privately kind of shy and timid when it would have come to standing up for herself. 

Fucked up. Really. You can watch her develop an eating disorder, and it's sad. Even in the show. She would do normal human shit like eat, then... Not so much. 

Okay, I'm tired now. 

And my stomach hasn't been feeling too great. Blah.

Toodles poodles.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Ramblings? Yep. Probably.

Just thought of a perfect way to show you that everyone's been working with spirit forever, & they just don't know it!

Okay, know when you've walked into a room and totally forgot why you went in there?

When you get the answer, that's spirit.

YES! OH YES IT'S SO TRUE! 

Angels, Spirit, your intuition or ascended self... One of those things answers you. You don't just suddenly remember. There isn't some logical string of thoughts, no.

There is ALWAYS a space of COMPLETE and TOTAL blank... & then it just pops in!

That, THAT is spirit! 

Cool isn't it?!

They can't come in with 20 thoughts, it's in a sudden and forced 'meditation' state. Truly. All thoughts are totally gone, and you're momentarily wiped completely of thoughts and shit for a couple seconds.

Then, BAM! Answer. They answer you!

I do that ALL the time! Now, I start asking JJ (my guardian angel), and it comes to me much faster. 

Fun fact, isn't it? 

I got to have a beautiful dinner the other night with my amazing friend. She's a professional medium, and an amazing person. 

We talked about tons of stuff, oddly enough the first thing she noticed (which I did not) was that I was seated right under a photograph of Lucille Ball. 

"April, look."

I did. 

"She's everywhere around you. She really does love you. So much."

"Oh I know."

"Do you ever find she gets really in your face when you don't see her?"

"Yes!"

We chatted about my energy seeing and stuff, which she helped me get rid of. 

"People are seeking classes and sessions to help them see what I see or whatever, and it's scary. I always tell people, you have no idea what you're asking for. You have no clue what it's like. You'll want it to go away."

So true. It really is.

We chatted about some of my friends, Miss M (Marilyn), & apparently she does the same thing to her when she's in LA! She tries to get her to go to her house, too! 

I told her how she rerouted my GPS the last time and she's like, "Oh my god! She did that to me too!" It's crazy!

It's always so, so amazing to be able to talk to someone who lives that life 24/7, and to know without a shadow of a doubt that I am normal. That I'm not crazy. That I'm not weird or making it up.

Always so refreshing. 

I really can't even tell you how wonderful it is to talk about that stuff like its every day normal activity. 

We talked about how she dabbled in TV stuff and working at radio shows before she did mediumship full time, and how people have asked her a trillion times to do a show or whatever but she said it's just not her #1. She wouldn't be able to help as many people.

I told her it's the flip side for me in a way. Yes, I do whatever the hell it is I do sometimes. I'm no professional, I'm not that good even. Certainly not compared to her. But filmmaking and acting is my #1. I'm just part time sensitive I guess.

We got to chat about my grandparent saga, and people I don't even knows dead grandparents coming to me. She said, "Well there's no reason they'd come to you unless they were trying to help you, too. And they know you're a good person. They know you're light, they can see it. So they want to help you, and know you'll help their grandchild."

Good to have that a little more clear. 

I wish I knew what this one lingering grandparent looked like. I've seen 4, including mine. So one is my grandma, I know what she looks like obviously. Another I've seen in a kitchen in front of a stove wiping her hands on some half apron around her waist. Another one was I want to say a wee bit overweight, bags under her eyes and she wore glasses. She lifted a hand up to wipe under her eye for whatever reason. Then some other woman who looked Native American but wasn't, and had pin straight white hair hanging whispy like around her face and the rest was pulled up.

*shrug* 

My friend said she's down to do some YouTube videos with me, so be on the lookout for those! Those will be nice, I'm super excited about those. Really good to let other people know they're not alone.

We talked about past lives, how I'm figuring mine out and they're scaring me. But she assured me to not be scared, and I'll be okay. To know it was all in past lives, not this one, and to keep remembering that. Especially the one where I was murdered, that's hard for me. Still hard for me. I'm pretty sure that was me anyways. She even said, "Oh my god April you even look like her!"

...hints?

So nice to know I'm not losing my mind.

Not that I think I do, but, occasionally I do.

I got a whole season of a show concept nailed down with my new team, and I'm working on 52 videos for the YouTube for a nice, random, fun, inspirational series type of thing. 

Recording 2 or 3 more tomorrow. 

Then I have this wonderful friend who will do some with me.

Discuss all the topics!

Lucy really wants me to stick with this series idea. The inspirational and fun one. She said it's super good for me, really showing who I am and stuff. She's all about it. I had a moment or two where I wanted to just give it up and find something more film-esque to do, but she was like, "No! You have to do this! It's perfect for you!"

Had someone I was going to do it with back out, as usual, but she said it was for work reasons. I'm not so sure, but Lucy even said, "No, that's for a reason. It's for a reason, April, she's listening to her intuition. She's got to build a little first. Just keep going by yourself, you're fine. This is easy, you can do it."

Okay! She's my legendary otherworldly business manager. Only one I've got. I shall follow her direction and guidance.

Plus, she fucking LOVES the work. She is all about being a business manager or whatever. I'm telling you, I need to put Lucy on my resume with my friends number and send them out and just see what happens, LOL! 

That would be hilarious. 

That would just be her explaining spirit guides and how and why that was possible and is the way it is.

If I ever accept any award, that's gonna be one interesting day. 

"I want to thank Lucille Ball for being the best guide and mentor anyone could ever have..."

Right there, it would be a sea of 'what the fuck'.

"... Marilyn for always reminding me to stay sober and that my talent isn't defined by my body. Dubs for always making me laugh and helping me with complicated stuff I can't understand..."

Oh, the comments I would get.

I'd just hand out cards to the numbers of mediums. I wouldn't even answer anything. 

Lucy promised me (or I forced her to promise) she would show up in some work I do someday. So, I am still really looking forward to it. 

Marilyn has this HUGE crush on this one dude I'm trying to network with, who's grandma has been all up in my business. So, that's interesting. "He's so cute! Oh Honey, he is a dream." 

"I'd sleep with you before he would." I tell her that and she laughs, and says that's not true; to which part she won't answer. Just smiles and walks away. I like to rag on everyone from time to time. They think I'm funny, so... Winning! 

I feel bad sometimes. It seems like all my guides just do work. But, I guess that's what they're there for. And as I've been assured a hundred times, "You can't force spirit to show up. If they're there, it's because they truly want to be. Not because they're being forced. They wouldn't be there if they didn't choose to be."

So that's good.

Because every time I'm trying to do this script I have based on some cool shit plus actual spirit knowledge (what it's truly like), I just get hammered with everyone and I can't do anything. Like an overload, and a shutdown. 

I'm going to need someone who isn't as sensitive to do it, and I'll just guide or something. A movie about spirit, and all my guides and helpers are people who've been in that field... They flock. 

Plus Kyle and Jared. 

Too many. I can't concentrate. And my goal is to concentrate so much I zone out, then get in the zone and just let them take over I guess. But too many cooks are in that kitchen. 

Same with the fucking award winning script idea I have that I can't get to finish. It's like, overload and shutdown. Too much energy. They're just trying to help, but I can't. And it's a little too OCD for me (the story), and I can't even focus on that at all. 

This is when I would have been at Kyle or Jared's at 3a with a sad, "Help?" & just handed the script to them. 

I can see Kyle now. Some huge sigh as he waved me in and made me food while I explained what I was trying to write but couldn't. 

I miss that motherfucker so much.

He was so smart. They both were. 

I don't think people understand... Suicide took two epic award winning writers and directors away from the world. Seriously.

#StopSuicide

Not mad at Jared anymore. I posted that before I think, but I'm not. He's really trying to help me, as is Kyle, and I'm grateful for it.

They don't have to, but they do.

I always get stuck at the selfish point of repeating, "yeah, but you're not HERE."

"But I'm helping you."

"...yeah, but you're not HERE." 

"But I'm not."

"Yeah, exactly."

Dealing with it.

My future husband's family better get ready for a load of weirdness. 

I plan on leaving tons of open seats with my peoples names on them when I get married. 

People be walking by just reading names,  but I'll put their nicknames so no one will really know. "Mama Lucy, Miss M, Dubs, P. Swayz, Grandpa, Kyle...?" Yeah. You're welcome folks.

My medium friends will be there, so if there's a question I shall point them that'a way. (Sorry ahead of time guys!)

They don't have to get us anything. Their present to me will be answering chair questions, and probably having one of them do a type of speech before hand explaining it and letting everyone know what's up.

Because they're my friends. My family. All of them. And I'm including them all, too.

My Mom will probably hide or faint. One of the two. 

My Dad will comment on how it's Satanic, and will probably be offended that he won't be walking me down the isle.

I'm a strong, independent woman and obviously believing in equality for all, a feminist. Who gives me away? Me. That's who. I give me away. No one else. Bitches.

Of all the people I can talk to and get inside gossip from, they still won't tell me who I'm gonna marry. They know, they just won't tell me. Still only get that he's older (duh), in the industry already (duh), and deeply confused (what?). 

That's the most confusing part. Like what are you confused about? Everything else makes sense. Older, obviously. That's just how I roll. Always have. In the industry, another obviously. I just want to be with someone who knows what I do and gets it and can work with me and we're equally as passionate and can do shit together. Confused? About what? Certainly a confusion on someone's part I'm going to eventually marry is just... Confusing. Better not be confused about me, because I won't stay. There's no convincing someone of anything. Be with me and want me or don't. No convincing, or waiting for a mind to be made up. Or watching anyone whore around with other people while they try and figure it out, that's just stupid and no not even desirable then. 

That's gonna be one interesting confusion, I tell you what. 

I'll have to be open minded. That has been said. Better not be any fuckery like that 50 shades of grey bullshit. Oh hurting people in any capacity gets you off? Byyyeeeeee. Guessing not tho, since I also instinctively know, this dude will probably be a virtual polar opposite of me. That type of shit is closer to my end of the spectrum as far as me and polar opposite are measured anyways. 

& really how the fuck do I just run into industry people? What level? They never pay me any attention anyways. And I don't see any of them ever becoming fucking Jim Clancey and helping me deal with a ghost issue at 4a or dealing with my crazy dreams as soon as I wake up.

"Honey, two dead people have been walking around the hall all morning."

"Oh, what's going on? Want me to sage it? And I finished that next scene of the script so the next scene is yours. Toast?"

Hmm. That shall be interesting. Plus, I don't want to live in California. So, where is this dude about to be coming from?

Or our sensitive children. Better get comfortable with our babies seeing and talking to all of the dead people. I've already seen one of my kids, several times. Which is interesting too because I'm such a loner and so just 'leave me alone' that I really wonder who will make me go "Him. Mine."

How did this go from one thing to my future married life and kids and shit?

Whatever. 

I do what I want. It's my blog. 

My friend mentioned a past life regression thing to me, which I'm scared to do. That and I have no clue what dust that will kick up while I'm trying to produce and direct and completely put together two different series in 2016.

#ItsHardOutHereForAPimp

#DetroitHustlesHarder

#DoWork

#IWantDoctorHouseToBeMyFriend 

I'm done. 

The Smithsonian Channel is calling my name. 

(I want to go to the Smithsonian. That's a museum right? I heart history.)

Toodles!

XO

Friday, November 13, 2015

I'm a Unicorn.

I've lived and experienced a lot of things.

I have truths most others would shun, shame and belittle me for. 

I would be crazy and absolutely nuts. 

There are things I've seen most others haven't.

Things I experience that most others haven't.

I don't denounce the unknown; I embrace it. 

A lot of who and what I am isn't defined by any human vocabulary or string of tests to prove or disprove for people who do nothing but judge. 

I am living a human experience... But, I am closer to my soul and different dimensions than I am humanity.

I have lived several lives. 

Some I remember,

Some I don't.

If I told most people most things...

I would either become a science experiment, or they would begin to believe more and more in things that seem to have no rhyme or reason.

Or, most likely, think someone just told them Harry Potter and Buffy and shit was real, not just entertainment. Which, close...

My life, my existence, my experiences, are things you would expect to see in a film. A fantasy, a science fiction, or something categorized as anything but true.

But it's real.

It's all real.

I've seen death. 

My own, and others.

I see things, people, that most others can't.

I feel like I'm constantly torn between the humanness in me, and the 'otherworldly' side. The soul. The one... I guess?

Today, a sensitive friend and I had a discussion. 

A friend of hers called her phone.

She picked up, said she would call back at another time, and when she hung up she said, "She's one of us."

"What?"

"She's one of us. You know, sees and hears too. She knows."

So few seem to be 'one of us'.

Like its some weird group that is generally mocked and constantly put on a fucking trial. 

How did the magic get sucked out of so many people?

I have lived in dozens of decades.

I've lived many different lives. Male and female. Rich and poor. Young and old.

I'm not the only person who knows this about themselves. I'm just outspoken. 

I have been an Angel, looking over others. I've been a Goddess, ascended to some other level that I'm not even 200% sure how to describe. I've been a prostitute. I've been dirt poor. I've been royalty. I've been murdered. I've been so many things.

It's so funny... How we all are so much more than we will ever know. Than we're ever comfortable knowing.

But right now? I'm here as April Washko.

I get so angry at myself. For petty things. Emotions and certain attachments or over reactions. I should know better. I should. I know better, but I can't help it.

I'm human.

Humanity bothers me. 

I'm lucky to be here, but it still bothers me. Like this weird suit I'm in, with these things that humans have to deal with... Like, why?

I feel like I don't understand or comprehend anything, yet I know so much.

People perplex me. 

Reactions to things confuse me. 

Most people's decisions bother me.

Mine included, but still... 

I don't understand a lot. 

When I made the deal I made, and I decided to come here and live this life... It wasn't necessarily something I was super excited about, I guess I can just say that.

And I came with this insane to-do list imprinted on my fucking soul. The person I am, my personality and experiences shaping the human being I need to be to do what needs to be done.

My passions masking the fact that it will be really a service for others. Less for myself, more for others.

I'm not okay with earth time. That's something I'm forever dealing with. Mundane bullshit between important events... Tiring.

I'm no better or different than anyone else. Really, I'm not. 

All of this stuff is locked away inside everyone. 

...I just don't have it locked away. 

It's closer to the surface than most people. Sensitive, medium or not.

It's part of me that makes me special, and unique I suppose. I love that I know all this shit. That I have very literally 17+ lifetimes of knowledge and shit locked in my soul. 

I've been super important people. Historic people. Famous people.

I've also been poor. Unimportant. Unknown. Sometimes even seen as meaningless. Belittled and stepped on.

Most of my friends have been dead for longer than I've been alive.

...I don't really know how to human.

I feel like I'm doing human wrong.

Every time there's a new moon, I get to feeling funky. In a soul v human way. Every time. Almost every time, since I figured it out anyways.

And trust me, if you're like, "This bitch crazy"... I feel crazy sometimes. 

I've had to consult lots of professionals and doctors and shit - ruling stuff out and seeking people who've experienced the same shit I do/have to make sure I wasn't crazy. 

Very few people are like this. That I've met anyways.

Very few talk about it. Fewer believe it. 

How do I operate in a world like that?

Learning how every day.

One person actually suggested to me not too long ago they 'track me' and 'document'. No, I'm not a fucking science experiment. I'm a person. 

They said, "Well, how about we ghost hunt you and where you go and your house? To document? Maybe we can pitch it."

To which I said, "Why? I don't need the machines anyways, I can just tell you who's around. So this would be for your own morbid amusement."

"Yeah but people aren't like that. And you do films and act and stuff on top of it, how original is that?!"

"Not at all, because again I'm not a fucking science experiment and I'm not a professional medium. I'm trying to make movies & act as a career, not talk to dead people."

"Well it would be fun."

"For who?"

"Us."

"Exactly. You. Not me."

Weird. 

I usually keep my mouth shut most places, too. If it's not business I don't say shit. I seem to offend without meaning to, just by being honest - which I guess isn't as desired as most people claim it is. 

I just don't understand. 

"My boyfriend poured coffee all over me and left, what do you think he meant?"

"That he doesn't care about you. Who pours coffee all over someone they care about?"

I'm the asshole.

"My girlfriend told me she's sick of me hooking up with other girls and telling her I love her and shit but I don't like her, what do I do?"

"I can't even... <walks away>"

I'm the asshole.

But, the only people who talk to me about their problems and open up to me are people who don't get hurt feelings and can just really honestly get opinions and truths even if it hurts. Which is how I am, so I dig that. 

We tell unconscious lies every second of every day... And I don't. That's what I don't understand. 

So much is just so weird. 

Others may say that's a judgement being made by some weird girl who needs to be institutionalized... & that's also a judgement but, whatever. 

I really, truly love who I am. I'm awesome.  And I'm rare as fuck. I'm like a god damn unicorn. 

...even self esteem like that tends to turn most people off, side note...

I'm a fucking majestic unicorn who doesn't give a fuck one way or the other.

Confusing, weird, whatever... I love my life. All of it. 

Just... Part of being a human, I guess. 

Or so I'm told anyways. 

Accurate.



Totally and completely true.

Ponder that, folks. Ponder that. 

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Must-See films:

Seriously, no joke, you absolutely must see these films. Everyone should see these movies. 

For so many reasons. Of course, there's multiple reasons behind my loves of each beyond the film or the story and stuff. 

Generally, I think, people have deep love for a film because of some sort of personal fiber of their soul beinf reflected to them - like a mirror, of sorts - in the film. 

I'm sure if you read this blog or know me even a little bit, you know why these films are so profound and outstanding to me.

So, in no particular order:

1) Stage Door

2) Girl,Interrupted 

3) The Five People You Meet In Heaven

4) 7 Pounds

5) Winter's Tale

6) The Pursuit Of Happyness 

7) Ordinary People

8) Lost In Translation 

All of these movies fucked me up in 3,000 different ways, for a zillion different reasons.

You've got to see them. Go watch them. They're all even worth a purchase. Truly. 

Most of the above are available on Netflix. Go enjoy them. 

XO