Thursday, December 31, 2015

Do you believe in Magic?

More location based signs I won't be following. 

Especially this one.

Australia.

No.

Have you seen the bugs and snakes down there?! Fuck that shit.

I told spirit today to knock it off with location stuff. I really don't understand it.

I had another dream with my Grandma, tho. That was pretty cool. 

We went to go out on that balcony again and she said, "Do you have a jacket?"

And I said, "Uhm... No?"

She said, "I'll give you one."

She didn't. We went about our dream business.

Get this shit...

...I go visit the parental units, and my Mom says, "I've got something of your Grandma's for you."

(wwhhhaaattt)

I say, "...is it a jacket?"

She brings out a jacket.

"How did you know?"

"Grandma told me she's giving me a jacket in a dream the other night."

My Mom didn't say anything (she's accustom to that now) - pretended like I didn't say anything. Or processed her disbelief silently.

I'm not even that shocked anymore. Just acknowledge Grandma and can add that to my 'these aren't just dreams' bank of info.

Signs, I guess.

When you see them and acknowledge them, and tell the sender you see it - they increase. Dramatically. Over time. 

Kind of like letting someone know you got their call or text or email or whatever. You know you sent it, you may even see a 'delivered' so you know they got it... But did they really see it? Same concept.

I'm telling you, it's fucking magical. 

But, I understand to most that's 'crazy' or 'insane'. Maybe even possible, but not probable. Maybe I'm just a little 'out there' or 'weird' or even 'special'.

I remember once I took a chance telling a friend of mine (personal friend I worked with who I occasionally talked to about this stuff) that Lucy advised cutting some scenes. At first he didn't say anything, just, "Oh, okay..." After I explained why beyond her advice it was a good idea to cut them.

Later on, he got upset about different aspects of production and said, "...and you're sitting here saying fucking dead people are telling you shit..." It was a negative, condescending way. 

I never said another word about any of this type of stuff to him again. Still haven't. 

So, I don't tell many people. They usually humor me but silently think I've lost it. 

The only people who wouldn't think that are my medium/sensitive friends.

Speaking of my medium friends...

...talked to one of them the other day.

Random stuff, just catching up.

She's a professional medium. Reads for all types of people. Big and normal.

I mentioned the book 'The Afterlife of Billy Fingers' to her and she had it mentioned to her the other day.

I told her how I felt him everywhere while I was reading it and she said, "That happens to me, too. A documentary or book or whatever. I can feel them around."

I'm like, "My GOD is it amazing to talk to someone about this who doesn't think I'm nuts!"

I told her how Billy showed me the 'TEX' license plate, and how I could just - as I said - feel him everywhere. 

Super cool. She's wonderful, I love her. Very sweet, kind woman too. 

Ashley Gray is another person who just gets it. She doesn't do it (had one dream with her dog when she died), but she's never once said anything mean or condescending or rude or negative. She asks questions and is legit interested. 

Same with Jared. He was all about it. Really intrigued. "I believe you. I think that's awesome." 

Kyle didn't believe (until he killed himself), but he never said I was crazy or weird. I wasn't as developed during our friendship either. 

Even Kyle's Mom, she believes. When it comes to other people she doesn't 100% believe tho. We talked about it the other day and I'm like, "Well do you believe me?"

"Yes."

"I'm no different than anyone else. They're actually professionals, I'm not."

"Yeah but I know you."

Haha. Funny. 

Even my old business partner who screwed me over believed in me. Didn't necessarily believe it, but believed what I said was true for me. He just never had the experiences.

I think that it scares people.

I mean, how easy is it to think negative thoughts compared to positive ones? 

It's so much easier for humans to think negative, self loathing, hateful shit. It's easy for them to truly believe that shit. Easy. 

It's hard for people to truly believe in the positive. The magic. The spirit. The worlds and people and light and love they can't see.

They can't see the negative scenarios and shit either, but, easy.

Why? Why is that?

Humanity.

I think it scares people.

To believe in magic and 'fairytale' shit means they're not 100% in control. And because the world and their humanity has made it easier for them to be negative and loathing, it's hard to still think magic and the stuff books are made of that they think isn't real... Is.

*shrug*

They write people off as 'wishers' and "well, that's a nice thought"... But it's not. It's real.

Again, I don't convince anyone. It's never believed 4,000% until it happens to them. But, just, interesting to ponder. 

Interesting stuff. 

If people only allowed it in... What wonderful lives would be led. 

To live in magic. It's beautiful.

One day, I hope less people will be afraid of it.

Just a ponder.

Dubs has poked in 2 times today. 3 now. 

(To be fair, if I didn't know better and had no professionals to assure me I was normal... I'd probably be halfway to crazy town by now. Padded rooms and all. A deep wave of gratitude to every professional medium, friend or not, who has ever helped me in understanding what goes on in my life. Really. Thank you.)

Connection!

Just watched one of those 'Copper Fit' commercials. How it's helping with muscles or whatever. It's supposed to. And it's attributed to the copper.

...that's EXACTLY like wearing a crystal.

Copper is a super, super powerful Crystal. My Goldstone is copper mostly, and man made glitter glass flecks. 

It's crystal woven into some cute little garment. Shirts or sleeves or whatever.

There's no big deal with the way the shirt or sleeve or little velcro thing. It's all in the copper.

That's the same exact fucking thing as wearing crystals, or putting amethyst on your head for a headache. Or Rose quarts for cramps. 

Same exact thing. Only that copper fit makes much more money than buying a crystal for $5 and keeping it in your pocket.

Ponder that, folks. 

Ponder that. 

XO

Sunday, December 27, 2015

Dreams (as usual) & thoughts (as usual).

Well hello!

Had some interesting dreams last night. 

First, I met some Hispanic woman who did something like robbed banks or stores or something to pay for one of her daughters surgeries or medication or something? She had two daughters.

She was shorter, more heavy set. Longer brown hair always worn in like a low pony tail in the back of her head.

She somehow did whatever she did and got away with it (I feel like this was some time ago, but clothing was 70s/80s, so I don't know). She left her daughters with someone she trusted apparently because she would come back and check on them every so often.

One of her daughters, as they got older, turned her in because she just wanted her to serve her time so they could all be together, & that's it.

Yep. Welcome to my dreams. 

It was interesting. The lady was a nice woman. Kind and considerate. Loved her kids.

Then I got taken to a nursing home to visit my Grandma.

Nurses took me up to see my Grandma and this place was, like, in the clouds. Among the stars and stuff. It was super cool.

I thought 'why would Grandma be in a nursing home in spirit?'

I was answered with, "How would you be for sure it was your Grandma if you didn't meet her here?"

'...Point made.'

My Grandma and I made bracelets of some kind, she was up walking and eating like normal (she wasn't toward the end of her life), and she took me to sit up on the highest floor of this place. It was pretty much all an outdoor balcony which was absolutely breathtaking. 

There were plants, beautiful plants, and birds and clouds. Right up there with us. 

Beautiful patio furniture type furniture but hybrid with normal indoor furniture. Really comfy chairs, plush lounge chairs and stuff. I remember being told, or overhearing perhaps, "It doesn't rain out here."

My Grandma was wearing a pink pullover sweater thing. And when I woke up I went to double check the bag of clothes I got from when she died. 

I have the pink pullover. 

I am super proud of myself. I wrote both dreams down as soon as I woke up in my dream journal. I was a good girl.

Been meaning to be more diligent with that lately.

Just smelt my Grandma. By the way.

Hi, Grandma!

She's awesome. I tell you what. 

It's really cool because I think that nursing home is where 'Grandparents' are. Or Parents. I don't know why, I just do. 

Like, they can mingle with each other there, and those who can meet them there like I can meet them there. Familiar to lots of Grandkids like myself.

I also remember when I got there, I just kind of remember being in the lobby. And there were nurses in emerald green scrubs (healing colors, Archangel Raphael) too. They made a really big deal out of me coming. Being there to visit.

Lots of people kept looking at me. Not in a weird way, it was all love there, but in a 'wow' kind of way. 

Like, "Someone's Granddaughter is actually here."

I'm going to try and go back tonight. 

Wish me luck! 

I didn't try to do anything last night. I never do. But, I'll see what I can will to come true. 

Very cool, isn't it? 

I love my life.

I love my gift.

I love my dreams. 

I love me.

I'm the shit. 

Anyhow...

...pondered some other things today. Figured they may serve more use to everyone if just ticked off instead of delved into. 

- I want to somewhere really beautiful and spacious to stargaze. 

- I want to go to Hawaii. 

- I want to stay at some glorious, adorable cabin type place in nature somewhere. 

- Camp. The right way. Like Mindie Adamos and her family do it (they do it right). 

- Road Trip. It's been a long time.

- I want to walk down a red carpet in sweats, a hoodie and no makeup to show people a) how few fucks I truly give, but most importantly b) looks aren't everything, and it shouldn't matter how a woman dresses anywhere or for what. She should still be valued. (I'd like to wear an #EffYourBeautyStandards shirt also.) 

- What the fuck are fish tacos, and who is the asshole that thought, "Good idea!"

- Bumper stickers in excess make your car look like a middle school locker.

- Why do lotion companies design the lotion bottles and little straw like things to never get all the lotion? (We all know that answer, don't we? $$$$)

That's pretty much it. 

I've stopped taking my pain meds for my period, and now I've got a headache. Lovely.

Edited a video today. 

Back still hurts a bit, but I couldn't help it.

I only did one, so, good for me because I really wanted to do more. I forced myself to walk away.

Going to peruse Netflix and see if anything catches my eye. If not, bedtime. 

XO

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Relaxing Day.

I really, really love spirit. I do. 

I had a wonderful night last night.

So, I watched 'The Secret' again, and it's finally clicked. Or, clicked again. 

I'm really, really going to try to not say any negative anything anymore. Try as hard as I can. 

True or not, if it's negative I'll let it sit in the pages of history instead of telling it or whatever. 

That's beside the point. 

So, we know from the previous post that I started my period.

Well I've got these random flows. It's odd. I'll spot for awhile then it's just horrible. But it's not always guaranteed to be like that. 

So I'm not always prepared for a proper sleeping arrangement, because it's never guaranteed or predictable. 

I went to sleep in a wonderful mood and disposition at a decent hour (3-4a is decent for me so shut up folks who know me), and I'm sound asleep.

Had a dream I can't quite remember, but I felt a hand on my shoulder and a gently energetic pull to consciousness out of nowhere. 

I woke up in my brain and body before I opened my eyes, and I smelt my Grandma everywhere. 

I felt a quiet, 'April, honey, get up'. 

The first thing (beyond that) that hit me was pain. 

Horrifying pain.

My uterus was in full self destruct mode.

Why would my Grandma subject me to this pain?! 

I had to pee anyways. 

I stand up, and felt it. Blood fucking everywhere. 

Upon a bathroom trip I realized had my Grandma not woke me up when she did, I would have gotten blood all over my bed, too. Not just my underwear and pants. 

I threw everything in the laundry, changed, then ate something so I could take a pain pill, then went back to bed.

With my bad back, there is no way I could have changed my bedding. No fucking way.

I would always ask period questions to my Grandma, too. No one else in my family has the cramps I do. My Grandma always would say, "Oh, I'm sorry. That's my fault. Mine were horrible." And she'd laugh. 

I would always call her when my cramps got bad and stuff to say, "Just calling to tell you a nice 'fuck you' for passing these cramps to me." And she would howl, and say, "Sorry! Someone had to be the receiver!"

So, she took responsibility in spirit to help me make sure I didn't bleed everywhere last night when I can't clean it up. 

Thanks Grandma! <thumbs up, with a sparkle and nice 'ding' as I give a big smile>

I've currently got a nice cup of tea, my huge Rose Quartz in my hoodie pocket (great for period cramps ladies), and I'm about to go watch some Lifeclass (Oprah) and The Secret, and meditate later on. 

I have more editing to do, but I'm going to give myself a editing break. Heal my back and stuff a little more before I try to sit in the chair for what will turn into hours editing my videos. 

Relaxing day. 

Hope everyone had a beautiful Christmas! 

XO


PS: Remember how I talked about the lady with the vines for hair? Thinking of her as I opened Instagram, and I see this...


... #ISawTheSign, & I acknowledge/follow all of them! 

Friday, December 25, 2015

Merry Christmas, 2015

I really fucking hate when people are so god damn paranoid that they think everyone has some hidden agenda or is out to get something from them.

I mean, fuck, can't some people just be good people?

I guess it's kind of sad, tho. 

They've let their brains go for so long in some type of life that's proven to them along the way that there's more of those types of people than the types like myself.

They've been fucked so many times that they stop living. 

Like they just climb into a cave and close huge, heavy doors behind them to life and people and everything good.

They give up life. Really. They choose to be consciously unconscious. Dead, basically. 

They have no idea what's passing them by. 

& they don't care. 

Walls they think keep them happy are letting them live unconscious lies and keeping them miserable.

*shrug*

Just some random thought that popped in. Not sure it's mine or not. 

Whatever. Can't force anyone to be happy. Or find it in themselves.

So Merry Christmas, right?

Guess what I'm doing?

Laying in bed on a heating pad for my back. 

I pulled something significant in my back last night, and I can barely move.

What did I do? Stretch. 

How, right? How does that happen?

I've got such a small frame that my back muscles aren't 100. Technically in bra lingo I should be a 32-34 D. They don't make 32-34. And I'm a natural D. Meaning they don't sit up and never move, & they're not light or filled with some substance less dense than muscle and fat.

So, my small frame supports my D's, and that's hard enough. 

I pulled something in the same spot twice over the last 5 months. Stretching and lifting something heavy I shouldn't have, now this. This was the big deal pain tho. 

And to top it off, I started my period the day before yesterday. Spotted for two days and today begins - you guessed it - mind numbing cramps!! 

I have the pleasure of the horrifying bleeding and cramps that come with my wonderful period, on top of this blaring back pain all under my right shoulder blade and right side that keeps me from bending over or lifting my arm or taking deep breaths!

I can handle it. I'm a fucking mental, physical and emotional warrior. 

Fucking warrior goddess, I am.

So I'm not doing shit today. Not going anywhere, not getting out of my pajamas. Nothing. 

We don't have much family anymore anyways, and no one really enjoys being around each other anyways. No point. I don't enjoy being around them. It's just like strangers that have to be together. It's weird. 

That and I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. 

I go and the whole time I hear, "Oh it's not bad, it doesn't hurt. Grow up! Don't be such a baby. Quit whining. You always make things seem worse than they are."

And, at the same time I'll get a nice dose of my 'sure-you're-not-dying' that planted the seeds for my hypochondriac problems now. "Sure it's not a lung? You probably have pneumonia. When have you last been to a doctor? Is your throat swollen? Do you have a headache? You should go to the urgent care, or the ER. If it's a lung filling with water don't wait, April!" 

And then I'll punch someone(s) in the throat. 

But then I don't go, "Wow what's wrong with you? On Christmas? You can't manage to get yourself over here? You've got something wrong with you, you know that? Merry Christmas to you. <click>"

Oh, Holy Night. Haha.

Peace and quiet to myself.

One day I want to start traditions with my husband and do awesome shit with our kids. But, for now... Leave me alone so I can be at peace. 

I know no one enjoys me being there anyways. Regardless what they say. My Mom forever refers to everyone as 'my mom' or 'my daughter' and I'm just, "Hey" or "there's April." No matter what I say she takes it as me trying to be 'smarter than her' or a 'smartass', so I don't even speak. Unless it's a joke or answering her questions with a 'yes' or 'no' answer. There is never any conversation than that. 

Maybe something unimportant, tea or groceries you know, never anything personal or meaningful. 

Same with everyone else.

The conversations that do happen are so mundane and pointless. Makeup, beauty shit, dieting, movies, fashion, or sports. 

Can't do it. 

I can feel my brain dribbling out of my ears. Every time.

And my sisters are teetering on the line of alcoholism, but my parents are friends and not parents who just sit and talk to my other siblings like they're friends thinking it's cool and fun. 

I can always see the family pathology playing down the line of everyone but myself. Everyone is just playing out the relationship of my parents. Over and over again. Same problems and issues are continuing. 

It's just a room full of 16 year olds. 

Age doesn't matter. Maturity level is very, very low. 

Love my parents because they're my parents, but they're very broken people. Their childhoods were fucked too. They do the best they can with what they have and how they were raised, but for the human being I am... I can't. 

I'm happier and more peaceful by myself anyways. As I got older, always have been. 

And I know with my period and other pains my irritability is sky high. Higher than usual. And since I'm never allowed to emote or have a bad day of an opinion around them... I stay away. Avoid problems. 

Actually, my period and pains are making things 50x's worse. Usually I deal and it's whatever. Really it's not a big deal. But, I'm human. Not today. 

Blah. 

I'm happy with it, tho. 

So the other night I seen some lady with plants as hair. That was odd.

Normal face, reminded me of Glenda the good witch from The Wizard of Oz. Her demeanor and attitude was like Glenda. She nodded and smiled, and then was gone.

I think she was like some Mother Nature, Mother Earth type of being. It was pretty cool. Her energy was really healing and protective. I felt safe and revitalized in the space of a heartbeat. 

I love spirit.

I'm having a hard time grounding myself lately. I feel that weird sick feeling that I'm sure other lightworkers can relate to where I feel just... I don't know, sick. Like I can feel the foreign feeling of a body over my soul. Everything I see I know isn't real, not like spirit. Like I'm half floating out of body and half walking on this painful surface and feeling the two at the same time makes me sick.

Sick like depressed, nauseous, analytical, upset, mostly physically ill. Like I want to rip my skin off my body, I don't like how it feels.

Fucking weird, right?

I'll do more grounding tonight. Probably in a minute or two, actually. 

Laying in bed. With my cats. Broken. 

Haha. Ironic.

Binaural beats for muscles helped last night, I'll try those again after I do some grounding.

Maybe watch Winters Tale. That's one true ass fucking story, let me tell you what. That shit exists, happens every day all the time let me tell you (I mean not really all the time because souls get human bodies and brains and they don't have the intelligence or patience to truly wait for their soulmate, or don't take chances or believe or know it when they find them and shit - humanity gets in the way of the magic). 

I pinpointed my friend and her daughters past life connection to me the other day!! 

We were all talking about it and I had a voice say, 'Salem'.

I was in Salem. I died in the witch trials.

They were with me?

I said nothing.

A beat later, her daughter laughs and says, "Ha. Maybe we were all witches."

My jaw dropped. 

"Uhm... So before you said that..."

I told them and they're like, "Oh my god, yes! Totally. Yes."

They're some of the very few with eyes that really see, and ears that really hear. 

They take chances and see things that are signs and messages and shit. 

So, yeah... Winters Tale is some real shit.

I cried for the sheer fact that I've experienced so much of that shit before. And people don't put that stuff in movies. 

Not the soulmate stuff, not yet, but... Soon.

SPOILER ALERT:

Super fucked up she died. But, that's real life. If they die or make another weird decision and don't follow signs or take chances and shit, then, goodbye best thing ever (soulmate).

Life is all about free will.

I'm gonna throw this heating contraption in the microwave and put this movie in while I cry and bleed.

Merry Christmas! 

PS: Tonight, I'm going to take a bath for my poor muscles. Back and vagina. Say a prayer for me. 

Monday, December 21, 2015

Doors

I thought of another weird way of explaining spirit stuff today.

So my one new spirit friend who came thru in a weird relation to Kyle via that documentary I watched has been popping up again.

I let things go, spirit stuff that I don't understand mostly, and wait for it to swing around again. More signs.

My Mom tells me today, "I'm gonna watch a weird documentary."

"What?"

She says the name of the documentary that I watched that this dude came thru from.

Interesting.

Then there were two more random mentions of him today. In odd mismatching songs and weird conversations in which I overheard his name with random and excellent clarity.

I pondered how interesting it is that my chosen career path leads to so many people in or around that industry. In different branches but still.

So I came to think of explaining it like this, and I had to share.

As I've said before, all it takes is the intention.

This started happening to me when I was 21, and over the last couple years I've paid more attention to it.

So imagine it like this...

...there's all these random doors that you can or can't really see. Solid. Can't see thru them or anything.

Once in awhile, you hear a knock.

You can either, with human free will, choose to investigate the knock or ignore the knock.

So say you ignore the knock.

The person on the other side is just like, "Oh. *shrug* Maybe next time?"

And there's no more knocks for awhile. Maybe a knock or two on another door or two over a period of time. But, again, you can ignore it or pay it attention.

You can ignore them your entire life.

Eventually, most of them will go away.

Doors and knocks.

There may be one dark door left that a knock comes from once in a blue moon, but that's it.

That one door left after a lifetime of ignoring is probably your guardian angel. Only there because that's their job. Only opened or banged on if something in your human reality is going very wrong. 

But, you can still ignore it. 

Spiderwebs collect. Your brain piles other shit in front of it. 

It's forgotten. Or extremely distant. 

For some people, they go away completely. Never to be seen again. 

But... 

Say one day you finally pay one of these knocks attention.

You may walk up to the door and just look at it. Like, 'Hmm.'

The person on the other side knows this, so they knock again or say something.

It's muffled. You can't really hear. But you know something is going on, so you wait.

Then you hear a louder knock.

You decide to open the door.

There's this weird sort of fogged up glass paneling, but you can see some sort of figure on the other side. 

Now, you start hearing knocks on the other doors. But you've already opened this one so figure it out, right?

The person on the other side holds a hand up to this weird fogged glass type barrier. 

You do the same, and realize you can wipe away the fog.

Now you see someone's hand. And light. In the area you can see clearly now.

You're like, 'Hmm. Interesting.'

Now you seem to be hearing knocks from other doors with more clarity. Maybe a word or two.

Different voices, different people.

You can keep exploring that door, or go to another one. 

So let's say you do something like watch a documentary or go to some 'haunted' location. Another door suddenly appears. 

You leave the door open and the spot cleared where you were just exploring, and go to investigate this new door.

You open it and maybe the fog is less dense now, since you've already worked with the other door and it's fog, but it's still there.

So now little by little you're working on this fog - but you've left the other door wide open. And the person on the other side has been working to clear the fog themselves since you've opened the door for them. 

So now you take a break from this new door and turn back to the door you left open, and now your grandma is standing in front of the open doorway. Smiling,

"Grandma?"

She was back there?

Now you're intrigued. 

You abandon this new door and go in search of other stuff because hello, cool right? 

Some doors you try to force open now, but no ones even knocked on them yet so they're dead bolted. Can't do anything.

Some you can open just a bit before it slams back closed on you. 

Weren't ready for that door yet, or that person yet I guess. 

So you look back to the other door you had left Grandma to work on and it's gone. 

You've forgotten it and paid it and them no attention, so it vanished.

Happens sometimes. Less relevant, so of course. 

Now the universe has been sending signs and you know what's up now so you're following them, and you go watch another documentary, and one of those doors that slammed back shut on you before is now being banged on like crazy.

So Grandma comes with you this time to open this door, and it flies open easily and there's this blaring light with a figure and fog and stuff. 

You can't wipe away the fog, but you realize tying to talk to the person clears it little by little.

Communication.

You're pretty sure you know who it is, but can't be too sure right?

The more you talk, the more clear it gets. The better you hear them and of course you know Grandma is there so she's helping too.

Eventually the fog completely disappears and the person is visible and steps right out toward you, holding out a hand for you to shake.

They're like, "My God it's nice to finally officially meet you! Do you know how long I've been waiting for you to notice me?!"

Now this person and Grandma help you with more signs and another door and once the person comes through another door now you're getting better at this process so you're kind of flowing with it.

They all know you're paying attention now so even on doors you can't open you see symbols now or hear words more clearly. Maybe see signs over certain doors that come and go depending how much of your attention and communication you give it.

Suddenly, you see this black mass making its way through a door you just left wide open.

It's scary and bad.

You run to slam it shut before it gets through, and now you're so scared and afraid that when you turn back to all these people you let out and made friends with, they're gone.

All the doors are shut again. Lights and colors and signs are gone.

Back to square one.

Knocking starts again. All that.

But now you're more selective. Not just any door or all the doors.

Not just any spirit or all of spirit.

Now, you make an intention.

"Okay, that's never happening again. Please show me my angels and guides. Only my angels and guides."

Slowly, you see lights appearing around certain doors.

Those doors now open easier. The people and lights come through easier.

But now you've got to go find Grandma again. And you ask for their help.

You maybe send one of them to go open a door for you and find Grandma.

But wait...

...why are you suddenly seeing sparkles and colors everywhere?

You can't even really see doors anymore. Or people or anything.

Your human mind is focusing on these sparkles and colors you're seeing like floaters everywhere.

You're panicking.

Again.

Through your panic, you hear things like -

"Crap."

<door shutting>

"She's scared."

"We're scaring her."

<door shutting>

"Everyone go away, she's panicking."

"Don't scare her."

<door shutting>

But you know it exists now, and you know your angels are good and pure and help with these things. So you just tell them how scared you are and ask them to make it go away.

"Take her back to square one."

"It isn't working this way guys."

<more doors shutting> 

Once you've worked to calm down and asked your angels to clear you and it, looked for outside help with crystals and professionals, it goes away.

But damnit! Back to square one.

Doors all shut. No lights. No anything.

You hear a whisper, in your head:

"We don't want to scare you. So, try again if you want. But take it slow, and know we're here to protect you."

After all, you could have told it to go away. Intention based. You have free will. But, you forgot about that in your panic. You just panicked about everything. 

Okay. More learning.

And the faint knocks and voices won't go away. 

So... Try, try again. 

Now you REALLY understand its kind of intention based. Try to jump right back in? So maybe you follow some signs in life and pay a certain spirit more attention than others. You can't make anyone talk to you, so you just hold the intention and wait.

Some spirits you pay more attention to or hold more intention for than others never show up. Anywhere. 

Can't make spirit show up.

But eventually you hear this one name or see this one thing or follow this one sign and start hearing this loud bang on a new door.

You go over to it and there's a peep hole on your side. 

You peer in, and there they are.

"Oh Hi!"

"FINALLY! Do you know how many signs I've been sending you?! Open this door already!"

It's super easy to open the door. Communication, intend it to be so, ask for angels to help you, and it opens with no struggle at all.

They introduce themselves, and say, "I've been hearing you asking for help with (career, job, situation) so here I am! Hold on, I told some other people to come help me help you so let's go get them."

Several more doors randomly appear. With random symbols and signs. 

You hear different words and sounds.

Sometimes, now, you'll just turn around and see someone new looking you right in the face. But you've allowed them through intention, and they've been cleared by your Angels and stuff and now you just know more. They're good.

"Hi."

"Oh, hello..?"

"Don't recognize me?"

"...No... Why are you here?"

They smile and wink, "Figure it out."

Now you're suddenly playing some weird game with spirit and it's puzzle like and you're still not 300% good with this stuff so it's hard and takes awhile but you just let them keep dropping signs and hits.

Now you realize you can create doors and take other doors away. 

You know how to protect yourself and build relationships with some while starving others and killing the connection completely.

And every so often, there's some type of... Glitch? 

What you use to only see in your head or feel or hear or just know is now randomly appearing in life. 

A flash of someone. A word. Whatever. 

And you're taken back. Confused almost.

But you take a quick mental trip back to the doors, and find the clarity there. 

"Yep! It was just me."

So on and so forth. 

...does that make any sense?

That's pretty much, to my experience anyways, how all this shit works.

Then different shit happens like after awhile when you are more comfortable and your angels feel it's time, they'll lead you through different doors to different information and worlds and shit. 

*shrug*

I try and make sense of it every day, so that analogy even helped me. Haha.

...actually... I know an animator or two... 

I'm goin to make some phone calls right now! 

This concept may be brought to a viewing platform for your enjoyment in the near future. 

<excited squealing>

Okay!

That's all for tonight, folks! 

Go talk to some angels! 

(Always be cautious of who you open channels and connections and 'doors' with. Make sure your intentions are of the right vibration - love, light, peace - and protect yourselves.)

XO

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Where by BFF killed himself, & other things.

Tonight, I'm spending the night with my best friend Kyle (who killed himself 4/6/11)'s Mom. 

I always call her Mom. Always have. So, onward we go...

When Kyle committed suicide, he did it while lying in his bed. 

They found him in his bed.

They tried to bring him back in his bed.

My best friend Kyle died (returned to spirit) in his bed.

Mom has his bed in the guest room.

I am laying in his bed. 

Right now.

I'm sleeping in my best friends bed that he committed suicide in.

As we speak.

Or, I type.

There's a lot to this that's like another huge punch in the face to the part of me that thought suicide was a good idea for so long.

That quote from 'Girl, Interrupted' is really 4,000% true:

"You don't want to hurt, you don't want to feel, so death seems like a dream. But seeing death, really seeing it, makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous."

*sigh*

My best friend killed himself in this exact spot.

It's wild, really. Not in a crazy kind of cool and intriguing way I usually use 'wild'. But... Sad. Ironic. Weird.

I truly believe if more depressed and suicidal people experienced this disgusting, blood curdling, stomach churning, mind numbing reality that is the suicide of the closest person to you... The rates of both would significantly decrease. 

I wouldn't ever wish that on anyone. But, you know what I mean.

There's something to those scared straight things.

On one of those shows, they had this kid who is always out boozin and doing drugs climb up onto a slab in the morgue. They covered him with the white sheet, and went about discussing his death out loud.

He was a sobbing mess who was shaken to his core.

We need to start doing that with suicidal people. 

Scared straight. Slapped in the face with the reality that would be if they made that decision. From having attempted and struggled myself, I can promise that I'm sure in most cases that would work.

Truly.

And in a society that supports depression and shit by saying it's just how some people are and so forth... I mean yes, some people just are. They need the pills and medication and all that. But really, I'm sure a majority of those people can really kick it themselves.

I use to fit every requirement for clinical depression. I did. I was sure I was. I mean how else do you explain everything that everyone else who suffers with it deals with, right? I was on the same page as everyone else who defends the disease with statements like the ones floating around. 

But then my best friend killed himself.

And when he killed himself, every piece of depression - every symptom I had and have had for years, every single day - it went away.

Gone.

Because I had my ass fucking beat by reality. 

& don't start with that 'well you must not have really had it' or 'that doesn't happen' because I jab my finger in your face and say to you, "How dare you judge me. I was sick, just like you are. How would you feel if I told you you're depression wasn't real? How are you about to sit here and tell me mine wasn't? Go watch more of your educational videos before telling someone they weren't as seriously suffering as you are."

Take that. *snap, snap, hair flip*

Really tho... 

When you're in those situations and for awhile all you can think in a numb emotional tornado is 'this could have been me', and you watch the events unfold that would have unfolded had you done the same shit... It changes you. 

It is the equivalent of shoving a dogs face in its shit when it shits on the carpet.

"So THIS is what you were going to do?! The world is SO FUCKING BAD and you're so FUCKING WORTHLESS you were going to do THIS?! <face shoved into Kyle's casket> THIS?! You were going to fucking KILL YOURSELF?! You fucking IDIOT! Look around!! <face shoved at Kyle's Mom, unable to stand and screaming and sobbing for her son to come back home> This could have been YOUR MOTHER! You could have done this to your own mother! Do you see how much PAIN SHE'S IN?! DO YOU CARE?! BECAUSE HER CHILD KILLED HIMSELF! How about this... <face shoved into every person crying and sobbing during Kyle's funeral> How's depression look now?! Looks FUCKING WEAK, DOESN'T IT?! Depression is fucking BABY SHIT YOU WHIMP! Look at this... <face shoved into picture pinned up around the funeral room of myself and Kyle> HOW DO YOU FEEL RIGHT NOW?! Pain. Painful, isn't it?! HOW MANY PEOPLE WERE YOU GOING TO MAKE FEEL THE SAME FUCKING WAY YOU'RE FEELING RIGHT NOW?! Why, WHY in Gods name would you EVER do that to ANYONE?! Do you know how many people would have had to give your Mom photos of YOU if you had killed yourself?! <face shoved back to Kyle in his casket> DID IT HURT THIS BAD?! DID IT REALLY?! ARE YOU SURE?!"

No. It didn't.

Depression hasn't visited me since.

Kyle saved my life that day. He really did. 

So did Jared, but yeah. 

So here I lay.

I'm pretty sure this is as close to Kyle as I'll ever physically get again. 

Sleeping where he killed himself.

Not the same house or anything, but, close enough.

No pain, no depression, no abuse I have ever felt/endured in my entire life has hurt half as bad as your suicide. Ever. 

I would gladly take being jumped by 6 dudes over the pain that was/is your decision to kill yourself. 

But, as much as you regret it, what's done is done. 

Hopefully, posts like this one will get to the right eyeballs. The people that need to see them. To give them a slap in the face of sorts.

Out of love. 

To hopefully save a life.

Some people don't go for that. For the slaps with reality. The real deal.

Some (I'd say most) like the soft approach. The candy coated bullshit that keeps them in their happy place, free of any real world information. Free of anything that will break the coat of lies and crap they have around some shit decision or path. 

But for the ones who were like me... 

...the angry kid who would punch you or curse you the fuck out if you even ever suggested or said what I'm saying/have said...

This is for you.

Because I wish someone had given me the disgusting, sick, twisted stories that no TV show will give you and most certainly no fucking suicide prevention campaign (because 'trigger warning', & 'we want to be fluffy and huggy instead of showing the REAL reality of it') ever will. 

I use to look at most of that shit like, "Wow. How sweet. They're memorializing and they'll remember me and it'll be so warm and fuzzy. I don't want to talk to anyone but they're just being so nice and that's nice that people are that nice. Hmm. I wonder what picture of mine they'll use one day when they talk about suicide prevention..."

THAT'S NOT THE FUCKING REALITY!

It's sick and painful and bloody and horrifying and graphic and unbelievable and traumatizing and hey you'll be on a slab in a morgue and zipped into a body bag and tossed in a freezer and it's just fucking horrible. 

Flash a photo of Jared's casket on TV somewhere with suicide prevention shit. Broken and bruised from jumping off a 10 story building.

Do it.

THAT means something.

Why not?

They do it with drug advertisements. 

They do it with smoking commercials.

They do it in drivers training with the car accidents.

They do it when teaching kids not to drink and drive.

Why not with suicide?

Guaranteed, THAT will change the game.

I said it first. I've been saying it.

One day, it'll happen.

As long as people can separate emotions from saving lives, and people don't cry and freak out about it... Because I don't get that. Saving a life is saving a life. They do it with everything else, but this is so taboo?

Is it in means of population control?

No graphic reality checks for the suicide shit does leave people still thinking it's an option. Most. Majority.

Showing people scary graphic commercials about cancer just freaks people out and leaves everyone in fear, which just causes disease. So being afraid of cancer and having any disease-focused commercial coming on every couple moments builds the disease within you. (There are doctors actually low key petitioning to have all medical related commercials and media stuff removed from every media outlet for that reason, Doctor friend told me on the DL.)

There isn't ever any money in cures, people.

And that goes for mental illness, too.

Yes, you have a disease. Yes, it's just with you for life and you need medication.

Yes. Medication.

Yey.

Try as many as you need to.

No, you've got a real disease. 

#AllTheMeds.

There's no money in cures, or we'd have cures for everything - EVERYTHING already.

(Just google it. All the information is around for folks to find. And PS: Cannabis oil cures cancer. I don't smoke weed - I personally think it's disgusting but to each their own - but I read a lot. There's hundreds of people that testify to it, including doctors, but it's not legal everywhere?)

They want you to believe you're sick. In any way they can get you to believe it.

Same way they want you to think you're ugly and have shit self esteem so you go buy the boner pills and all the makeup and ass surgeries and implants and shit.

Same. Shit.

You're mind is the most powerful thing in the entire world.

Fuck what you heard, or what you're dependent on.

If you change your mind, detoxify from TV and the media and radio and shit and start new, you change you're fucking life.

So... I don't know how that got there but back to the fact that I'm sleeping where Kyle killed himself...

I miss him every day.

He should be here with me right now. 

We should be sitting in the living room brainstorming new script ideas or finishing one. We should be sharing marketing and PR ideas and stuff. 

If he'd only believed he was supported and worth it enough to really do it.

You're my heart, Kyle. 

I love you so much. 

Thank you for showing me what a man is, what a best friend is, so much about technically making a film, and how to care for myself and make sure others care for me in the same way.

Best friends forever. 

Forever.

I fucking meant that shit.

*blows a kiss up to the moon* 

XO

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Greenfield Village, etc...

So I've partially figured out Connecticut. Partially.

Went to my favorite place, Greenfield Village with my nugget (baby cousin) the other day, and damn near half the houses were like 1700-1800 Connecticut. Webster lived there and they have his house there... It hit me like half way thru the village. Like, "...well shit..."

I'm pretty sure a past life was there. I haven't been but I feel a connection. Never even seen pictures. I should Google.

I've had mediums tell me I'd end up around there when my romantic soulmate and I find each other. Or when he finds me, because I'm pretty findable. Or contactable anyways. I feel like he might as well be living in a cave right now - so, it's on him. But those feels could be wrong. I'm not always right. That's never really been on my radar or been here nor there tho. 

No professional.

Lucy keeps pointing out Connecticut too.  Like I said, I don't really get it. And I feel like spirit is like, "Jump and the net will appear!"

But...

... 1) I hate that saying. Have you ever seen what a body looks like after jumping off a building? I have. And he was someone I loved. So, no.

2) Is that even smart? Wise? Depending on the circumstance, sure why not, but... 

Like I said - I've never done location based scouting before. Or, traveling. What the fuck would I do? Sit there and look like an idiot. 

"Why are you going there?"

"Spirit told me to."

"...but what are you gonna do?"

"I have no fucking idea. Pick my nose in the park until something significant happens."

More like "sit in the hotel and wonder what I should do" because the world isn't set up for women that solid right now to just be sitting in parks by myself.

It probably doesn't mean anything significant for me even. Probably another something about someone else.

I just like to figure shit out you know? Signs and shit left alone make me feel incomplete.

Whatever.

At least it was a past life. 

I'm pretty sure anyways. 

I remembered some kind of party. 

Anyways, when I was at Greenfield Village it was at night. Which is the best thing ever because during the summer they're not open that late. And we all know night time is my favorite time. 

I walked into some house and since they're all original historic houses and they're old as fuck, they've got small little steps and rises everywhere. 

I go to step down into the other room of what they had as the Red Cross house, and began to trip and stumble on uneven stones. I went to fall backwards and I felt a pressure on my lower back that moved me into a proper posture, not wavering around.

I turned around to thank someone and no one was there.

I looked at my nugget (who is sensitive herself and has seen and had experiences with her own ghosts) and said, "Did you touch me?"

She shook her head. 

There was a pause and she whispered to me, "...but someone's heeerrreee."

I turned and looked back at her and she's like, "Right? Because I thought I felt something in here."

I laughed and said, "Yeah. Someone's in here."

We were in another house and I looked into a dark corner and saw some dude standing there. Off in the corner. By himself. 

At first, my instant internal reaction was like, "Oh."

Then after a moment he looked at me and I realized he didn't go with the theme of the house and was in modern clothes and was now looking at me.

I started to sweat, grabbed my cousin and was shoving her away from this dude, and low key panicked. 

Thought it was a ghost.

Wasn't. Just some dude.

That's when I realized spirit is wise, lol. You never get more than you can handle, and that wouldn't be something I could handle.

But there's ghosts and energy and shit all the fuck over Greenfield Village. I feel like Henry Ford 'haunts' it quite often. He built it and all.

I'm totally solid with my third eye seeing and sensing and hearing. Totally good. 

Some of the stuff in some of the houses are full of energy. If they tell you which items are original (which is most) or you find them, focus really hard but not hard at all, you can pick up a story around them.

It's pretty sweet.

So yeah.

Filming more videos tomorrow with my friend Meg that I met on the set of 'Oz'. That'll be fun. She's a character, that's for sure.

Almost died today in the bathtub. 

I'm short, and my tub is huge, went to rinse my hair out (leaned back) & I'm so short I started to take a tumble and did a fucking backflip. Cracked my head on the bottom of the tub and everything. 

After I got done choking, I laughed. 

I'm going to be editing and editing and more editing until January. Monday's I'm releasing my new series thing 'The Magic Of..'. A friend of mine and I were going to do them together and came up with the name, then she backed out during the time period I need to have if filmed by. Or starting filming. So, I just went it alone.

("...I walk a lonley road...")

There's like 50-some Mondays in 2016. I wanna get me a jump start! 

I'm hoping next time the gracious RickDave is back in MI, I can coax him into doing a video with me. Haven't talked to him in quite some time but I'll throw a line out once some videos get going. 

He really is the nicest guy. Really. An A+ actor and an A+ human being. One of the shining examples of a good one who is really successful and really made it and still gives a shit about people like myself.

But, he's from Michigan so of course he does.

We Michiganders are just made of different stuff, I'm convinced.

(& anyone with a 'profile' that I respect who has given me their time and has been good to me when they didnt have to, I don't use their real names here. So, go speculate.) 

It's the time of the night I bid you farewell.

Goodnight, folks.

XO

Sunday, December 13, 2015

THE CODE!

The caps is misleading. Just a heads up.

So I'm doing my dream research, as I always do, and I'm watching some King Henry thing. If PBS was in the right place, then yeah it looks pretty damn familiar to my dream. But what's the point?

I don't think my past life was tied to him in any way. Or his court. I don't feel any pull to him or the story.

So it ends. I'm like, "Well... Okay."

Netflix, being a gentleman, suggested things for me. It wanted me to watch 'The Code'.

I read the summary and was like, "Yes, Netflix. You know me."

I play it, and in 20 seconds I change to, "Nooooo. I don't like this."

Numbers and math all make my head hurt. It's really the easiest way for me to jumble myself and just not think. I can't do it. I never have been able to do numbers.

Numbers to my brain is like a signal scrambler to phones and wifi. I honestly and truly can't compute. I stop even paying attention and get a headache. 

But for whatever reason (probably because the host dude is sexy) I kept watching.

Then, I'm like, "Yeah, I'm done."

As I go to turn it off, I see this:



THAT WAS IN MY DREAM LAST NIGHT!

HOLY SHIT THAT WAS IN MY DREAM!! 

I was standing kind of where that dude was, only farther forward and to the side. 

I honestly thought it was some kind of oddly placed and made no sense pool table. 

But WHAT THE FUCK?! 

This whole thing is about numbers and how there are codes to everything. Well, duh. Numerology. Doesn't take a wiz to find out astrology and all that shit came from our ancestors who relied on that stuff for tons of things.

There's many higher consciousness folks who can explain it better than me.

I'm not a great explainer. I'm a feeler. I feel it, I know. That's it. 

It's so funny to me that this documentary exists. That people question this stuff. It's apparent it exists, and some of us (like myself) just know it is and have lived different things that say so. We just know. Like sacred geometry and patterns. It's all classified under 'dead people stuff' to me.

Fibonacci spirals and shit. More stuff I know but can't really explain. 

But people go way out of their way and out of their own intuition to have hard scientific or paper proof. It's funny.

So I keep watching, because now I have to. I'm confused. I don't like anything about any type of free mason anything - there's questionable vibes all over it - but I was in this church they built all covered in sacred geometry? 

Like, really? I flunked out of every math class (even the slow ones) 4 times. 

I know a little numerology and that's it. Even Google has my back there. 

But okay I'm watching...

...there's some dude who drove forever to find some bugs, or something (number talk really tunes me out)...

I say, "He reminds me of Jared."

He looked like him from behind, and when they showed his face not only did he still remind me of Jared, but he's a professor.

From what school?

Guess.

Fucking Connecticut! CONNECTICUT.

Mother. Fucking. Connecticut.

Well sweet baby Jesus.

Almost shit my pants. 

This thing is a 3 parter. I'm having a super hard time getting past this half hour mark, but I'm trying. 

I feel like I'm in school and I don't like it.

History? Sure. All day. Love it. Just don't quiz me.

Art? Down. I'm in.

Anything else? No thanks. Can't. 

He's measuring things and calculating and I don't even know anymore because I'm typing this while that runs in the background. Subconsciously I'll pick up anything significant, but... Can't. 

So yeah. 

A weird discovery was made.

Why was I in a church made by the first ever group of Freemasons? Was I one? I don't really feel like I was but then again who knows. 

(I always go to past lives first, because why else would I have been taken there in a dream?)

I know like I know like I fucking KNOW that THAT was what was in my fucking dream. I was fucking there. That is where I was.

Maybe they mentioned Henry so I would watch the documentary and that way it would suggest this one so I was guaranteed to watch this one?

There are no coincidences, ever. They don't exist. 

Just signs and help and guidance. 

Or someone just saying 'Hey'.

Fun story from my daily travels today:

I ran into a woman (literally) at a restaurant while I was going up to pay. We apologized and complimented each other's hair and nails and stuff. 

She was around my age, couldn't have been much older. She says to me in kind of a hushed voice, "This might sound really weird, but, I can sense and see energy..."

To which I immediately cut her off and said, "Oh don't feel weird at all! I sometimes hear and see dead people."

She laughed, relieved, and said, "I knew it! I just knew, you had good vibes! Anyway, that's all I wanted to say - your energy is so pure and positive and uplifting. You're super bright and connected. You've got great energy. You're an amazing person."

I was kind of taken aback. I can do that type of stuff too, but I've never just flat out told someone like she told me. Her balls impressed me and inspired me. 

And who doesn't like a solid compliment from a sensitive? 

That's what I love about people like her. I could have an off day (human), I could be in the middle of some shit - opinions don't matter to them. Sensitives and stuff. They can almost literally see right through you to the core essence of who you are. Your soul.

I love that. 

And it always makes me feel less weird and crazy. 

I'm sure I blushed while I said thank you, & we hugged and went our separate   ways. 

How beautiful, ey?

I love meeting people like that. 

It's really like a jolt of happy that their energy gives, it's crazy. Usually, super good energy seers and feelers like her are almost always seeming like they just drank a pot of coffee, so... It's just awesome. 

Pure positivity. I am so blessed to be able to feel that and receive that from other sensitives instantly. 

Every time I think I'm the weird one, I meet someone else like me. Or I remember how fucking awesome it is to be me and be loving this beautiful life getting to hang with my dead friends and travel in dreams and meet new dead people and really live my life from a different place than most.

Everyone can, I just allow it. All about free will.

Okay, I'm gonna go try to stomach the rest of this fucking documentary.

Please, please lessen the number chatter sir. I can't. 

XO