Friday, October 7, 2016

It's been awhile (again).

Wow. It's been awhile.

I've been so fucking busy it's insane. 

I barely have time to do my weekly videos for my YouTube channel anymore, which is taxing but doable. I get it done. 

I've been focusing all my time on building this new webseries. Writing all of season 1, almost done, which is excellent. 

I quit smoking! Yay! That's excellet, too! Almost a month now. I tell you what, I wouldn't have ever been able to do it without vape pens. Fuck what you heard, those things aren't harmful at all and they're helping people quit all over the world!

Surprise - the tobacco companies get money from the government and shit and I forgot the logistics but they're trying to regulate them now since the ones at the gas stations are the harmful ones, they've got all kinds of fucked up shit in them. The nicer ones you get from vape shops and organic juices and shit you can pick if it had nicotine or not and its got like a chemical that's in inhalers and one other chemical nowhere near as horrible as what's in cigarettes. 

But, ya know, tobacco companies wanna regulate them now. And the government is helping them. 

So basically if you vape buy all the e-juices you fucking can ASAP so you know you're safe before the government gets a hold of it. 

They're already keeping marijuana from cancer patients (cures it), so, I mean... They don't make money when we're healthy, people! 

Sad but true.

I'm 100% vegetarian. I may have mentioned that before, but, several months now. Since the end of spring/beginning of summer. 

I feel all kinds of healthy! Junk foods are still real, and I dig them, so it's whatever.

I stress - this shit has nothing to do with dieting or beauty of weight. I just got repetitive high sign from spirit for both. Smoking and no more eating animals. My empath side is growing, and honestly, not only did it make my anxiety worse but it made me want to cry. 

The smoking... Eh, I still wanna smoke. A lot. Very often. I want a cigarette right now. Badly. I miss smoking so much. But... It was kicking my acid reflux's ass. Also, I didn't enjoy all the typical shit. The smell and yada yada. 

I vape if I feel like the cravings are too much to take. Little before that too so I don't flip out and really take a cigarette, since a ton of people I'm around still smoke. 

I haven't even vaped in, like, 3 days. So that's good.

My grandma (spirit guide, passed a bit ago) watched some cute Halloween cartoon on Netflix with me the other day and told me how cute the evil carrots were. She also instructed me to eat apple sauce, and I did.

I no longer associate with the medium friend Wendy I mentioned here before and I did some videos with. I won't get into it, it's not worth it, but I'll always appreciate the help she offered me but let's just say she wasn't the person I thought she was. It saddened me, but it felt toxic and I had to make it clear to leave me be and let me ride away in peace. 

I've experienced writers block a couple times. It isn't wonderful but it is what it is. Never had that happen before. Sounds spoiled and entitled of me.

Have you watched the free documentary 'Thrive' on YouTube? If you haven't, you need to. If you chose not to, you've got issues. You're a human on this planet. Watch it. 

My Mom is psychic. She always has been, but, it's springing up lately and now she's starting to accept that shit as reality. Because it's happening to her. 

Funny when that happens.

I had lots of things happen. I got to go visit my cats in the animal part of heaven, which was really fucking cool. They could stand up and talk and shit, I mean wow it was a trip. I'm constantly amazed by where I get to go when I'm dreaming. 

I watched myself turn into spirit, pure light body, and walk away from my body - turn around - and heal myself. It was astounding. Almost unbelievable. 

I've been in closer contact with my angels and guides, I made friends with Saint John of God (I call him Saint J.G.), I made butterfly and fox friends, 11:11 and 222 have been everywhere, I've been using the phone and Internet way less (lots of scheduling), I've been meditating (or just sitting and breathing while listening to spa music) every day...

Been really wonderful.

Fall is my absolute favorite time of year too, so, that helps.

I'm gonna turn in now. Got a bunch of shit to do tomorrow morning!

XO

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Friday, August 19, 2016

4a snacks with spirit & dreams

You may find this as interesting as I did.

Not 10 mins ago, I was almost asleep.

I say 'almost' because I was comfortable, very relaxed, yet starving. Stomach was growling, a nagging in the back of my mind to get something. 

My mind was teetering in and out of complete consciousness and half out of it, boarding that blissful train to dreamland. 

Half way on the train... You know how sometimes, you'll get a random muscle spasm? In your leg or arm or shoulder or whatever? You just flinch, or move? Maybe shudder or something? Half way on the train, I had what I would assume was a muscle spasm in my shoulder.

At the exact same time my shoulder 'spasm'd backwards, like someone was pulling on it... I saw a hand land on my shoulder, and tug it.

It was so fast I almost missed it myself. 

Small hand. A woman's hand, for sure. 

I think it was my Grandma. 

Very warm, very comforting. I wasn't at all frightened or alarmed in any way. 

Before I could place whose hand it was, I got the message. As I was getting out of my bed, slinging my legs over the sides I said out loud, "Okay, I get it, I'll eat."

Ironic it would be a grandparent, isn't it? Maybe not so much. 

Oh, Grandma. How I miss you so.

Now I'll actually be able to sleep through the night. 

A very interesting moment. I've never had that experience coupled with spirit direction (what I assume it was) before. Very interesting.

Very like my Grandma, too. 

I had to document that here for everyone, for myself so I remember to journal it tomorrow morning. 

The fear of spirit is lessening, so that's good. As I've said before, it wasn't ever the classic 'fear' as I've probably described. It was fear of the unexpected way something would show. What it could be. What could happen. Not ever necessarily the event or presence itself. 

*shrug*

Lessened.

And with the house walk through I'll be getting to go on with Wendy in a couple days or so, I'm sure I'll feel even more confident. In myself, and my secured way of doing things. And, of course, spirit.

The other night I had a dream that was very interesting. For the first time ever, I controlled the dream. 

I've gotten woken up, woke myself up, had people wake me up, talked to different people, went different places, been taken different places, but never on my own accord. Always by Lucy or with help from my angels and guides.

I believe I may have even seen myself in a past life, good 

I looked into a mirror and saw me looking like some curly haired blonde woman in different clothing. It was odd.

There was another woman in a portion of my dream who I realized didn't have the absolute correct hair color. So, I changed it. And kept changing it. Once I realized I was doing it, I kept going. Color, style, everything. Just for fun. 

It's been a very relaxing, interesting, yet passionate (half way done with writing season 1 of the webseries) week so far. 

I wish you all a similar week!

Goodnight friends. 


Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Dreams and Fairies

So, what type of stuff has been going on? 

Writing and pre-production for the series has been excellent. Really moving along. Giving really passionate, kind people great opportunities. Also, of course, they're wonderful to work with and it's super exciting. 

What good is working if you can't work with friends?

Some lady sat down on my bed the other night. I don't know who she was, but it was brief and she was kind. Watching over me. Just caught a split second of her. As she sat down, we lost communication. 

I had a dream last night with... Get this... Fairies. 

Yep. You read that correctly.

I can't, with the shit I've experienced already, ever say anything doesn't exist. I guess logically it's easier to get the human ghosts than it is to come to terms with fairies and stuff.

I've had experiences with one before. I've been told I have one, and that her name is Georgina. I'm sure it was with her.

Didn't see her though. 

So I was out in nature, and all I remember is being given a tube/wand thing. It was absolutely beautiful. All types of glitter and crystals, and I was told something about pointing it at things and 'sprinkling', then something with manifestation and going into nature. 

It was very interesting. 

Other than that, working on my new knowledge of patience and all that. Seems easier. Day by day. Still difficult, very difficult, but... Day by day. 

At least these revelations are coming at 20-something and not 50-something. 

Or maybe that's backwards. One of my issues has always been feeling like I've learned above my quota, and constantly seeking people to teach me something I don't know. To learn things I don't know. 

...and that has proven itself to be almost impossible. 

It won't be, not for long, but still. Trying. 

Not to mention it's hard to align with people who don't either shutter or walk away silently when they find out I'm an actress/filmmaker who sometimes chats with dead people and uses the Internet and YouTube as my primary means for distribution since I'm not about to get naked or sleep my way to the top.

*polite smile, slight nod, pivot, provide exit excuse, walk away quickly* 

Anyways, that's what's been going on. 

Hope all is well with everyone! Send me good wishes and good vibes!

Monday, July 25, 2016

Patience, Detachment & Guidance.

The other night, I was laying in my bed trying to go to sleep.

Suddenly, I felt misplaced. Lightworkers, sensitive people as a whole, possibly Empaths will understand this feeling... The feeling of feeling trapped inside your body.

A sudden unease, coupled by a slight nausea in your soul. 

I registered the feeling, immediately. A thought, "Shit, I hate this" then - a young girl.

She couldn't have been more than 16 years old. Blonde-ish hair. Wearing a green blousey dress, but it wasn't blousey material. It was covered in, the only way I can explain, cream colored polka-dots. But they weren't dots. They were shapes. Possibly birds. Possibly pineapples. Something.

She was frustrated. A rush of, "I'm so sick of nobody hearing me", I registered she was in some really weird dark grey hallway, then she was gone.

And as she left, so too did my misplaced feeling.

I wonder now if every other time in my life I've felt that way, a spirit was trying to be heard.

I'll file that away in the 'No Clue' cabinet. 

In other news...

Spirit told me why I have my patience problem. Finally.

I was driving, in the car, contemplating life - philosophy - the many complexities of humanity - when suddenly, it clicked. 

When spirit downloads information into you, it often feels and may even sound like your own consciousness. So you're not frightened, of course. Always downloaded at lightning speed. In the space of a heartbeat, never near how long it would actually take for you to piece together the 'logic puzzle' of steps to find the conclusion in your human brain. No. Much faster. Instant.

In an instant, you just know this long and sometimes complicated answer. Thought. Conclusion.

"You're patience is a problem because you can't recall any lifetime you've seen to completion."

*lightbulb goes off*

Well damn.

That's about right, isn't it?

I've had over 20 lifetimes, I remember 8 - give or take some details and jarred memories. The ones I remember? All traumatic.

Titanic, killed, drowning 

Salem, murdered, hanging (potentially, also new discovery, I think my identity is becoming clear as I get older here).

Egypt, snake bite (potentially, that is a new discovery belonging to either me or Ashley Gray).

Prostitute on a confederate soldiers boat, killed, explosives. 

1950s Hollywood, tortured, murdered, serial killer.

King Henry era, think I was killed, not entirely sure why or how. That, or I died of some illness way too young. 

So on and so forth. 

I never finished any of them. 

So in this lifetime, this entire lifetime, I've battled patience. 

Always feeling like I don't have enough time. 

Always feeling like I have to do it all today, now, right away. 

I've always worked with patience. It's eluded me. Now, I understand I've actually been running to beat this clock that's been fucking with me in so many lifetimes it's almost unbelievable.

Makes total, complete sense. 

Finally. An answer. 

And subsequently... Some peace. 

I also had a moment of infinite wonder. As I often do with spirit. Oh spirit, how beautiful it truly is.

I was in a total and complete space of detachment. We know attachment is the absolute root of all suffering, right? Well, I had - by no decision of my own - entered complete detachment. 

I wasn't sad, as I usually am. Usually, when I reach detachment, it's then followed by me watching Oprah's Masterclass about Surrender while I'm crying tears of complete and utter discouragement. Loss, even. 

This time, no. I was at complete peace. Which I know is spirit, really and truly. All love is spirit. All pure positivity is Angels and spirit. 

So, I - for probably the first time in my life - sat and witnessed detachment within myself. No judgements. No running after what was being taken from me. It just was, and it was peaceful. A relief. It felt like a relief, and I welcomed it.

Detachment from career worries, life, who I was, what I'm doing, what I'm doing next... fucking everything. 

I knew that this new deep rooted peace meant it was coming from somewhere outside of myself. I felt that. I guess I didn't feel that in the moment, but I intuitively knew it.

As I now know to do... I turned to spirit. My guides. Angels. Loved ones. 

I immediately turned to Lucy, "Mom, what's going on? What do I do? I'll wait for your guidance."

And I did. 

I waited a good week or so before a series idea was quite literally dropped into my brain that I hadn't thought of in several years.

Thought it was impossible. Thought it was stupid. Thought it just couldn't be done. 

Suddenly, if felt easy. Do-able. Logical. A perfect next step. 

"Okay. Message recieved. But how?"

Not even a day later, a friend messages me who came back from LA and realized his passion is writing. 

I needed writers.

Suddenly, a friend mentions a friend owning the location I so desperately need. And that friend being totally and completely open to letting anyone film there, no pay required.

We have $0 budget. 

(#IndieFilm #TrustTheStruggle #MakesYouLearnAndWorkHarder)

Suddenly, I've got characters written out and season ideas. 

All, still, detached.

Then, I begin to panic. 

"I can't do this, I'm not a writer and this isn't an idea that's really been done before. We have no budget and I don't want investors and I know I want to keep it truly indie and work up not just sell some idea to Netflix, I want to work and build careers and create opportunities. What if I'm not good enough? What if this all falls apart?"

Lucy stopped me really quick, "Just put one foot in front of the other and DO IT. Just. Do. It."

Intuitively, I was guided (by Desi I believe, he's joined my team officially I think) to throw any rule-book I thought I needed or was worries about out the window and just run on 'why not's and intuition.

Okay, I can do that.

I'm going and going, spinning my wheels and looking for writers and people and ideas and inspiration.

I come to a wall.

Instead of feverishly attempting to climb the wall in a panic, I stopped. Took several seats. 

Detachment wasn't my friend anymore. 

Took several additional seats.

What's happening here? Am I imploding on myself? Am I destroying something brilliant because I'm thinking exactly what Kevin Smith told all the people in that room at Sundance in 2011... That they make it all so intimidating, no kid feels they can even try to get into it now.

Am I being pulled to a screeching halt by these elitist billionaires who make $180 million dollar remakes, and don't really ever hire new talent or believe in dreams and hope? Am I really allowing people who value the dollar above humanity to intimidate me somehow, however subconscious it may be?

Because I'm not Jared or Kyle? They were writers, they were excellent. I'm not. Not in this 'needs to be formatted this way' way. 

I didn't even know. 

I tried to search for guidance again, and fell short. 

Attachment... Root of all suffering. Even blocks spirit. Too much shit in the way.

It took several more days before I found that peaceful detachment again, and when I did, Lucy followed.

I was complaining to Lucy - crying, as usual, to her about my problems. Thoughts, feelings, issues.

I didn't feel like I knew enough. Had enough credentials. Support. Know-how. There is absolutely no one in a place of human existence at this moment who I do respect or value who would give me the time of day. 

In film, there are no mentors. You can find teachers and variations on a 'teacher' in every film school or workshop anywhere in the world... But a true, honest to goodness mentor? No. Not in this industry. 

& if by some grace of God you do, you better be extremely careful. Majority of the willing are men who don't have positive intentions for or with you. Sad, but true. 

When I say 'mentor', I don't mean 'someone to hold your hand through everything', no. When I speak 'mentor' or 'mentorship', in my definition, I personally define that as someone who has come before you. Someone who knows what they're doing. Someone who you can call and get inspiration. Someone who you can ask a tough question, and they'll tell you the honest answer. Someone who believes in you, even by way of silent encouragement. Someone who knows where you are, understands, can maybe offer advice here and there, might even let you shed a tear or two, and might stand in your corner one day and be proud of you. 

Anyways...

So, I vented. 

"Lucy, I need to learn more. About everything. I know you're there, but you're not human. You're not here here. Is there even anybody around who is somebody worth learning from? Knowing? Who would care? Is a good person left in this industry? Just show me where I can learn."

Not even an hour later I had my TV on, running and processing in the background of my mind. I was blank, a state of total vacancy. 

I physically jolted as I heard Lucy's unmistakeable voice, "HER."

I won't say who it was (I'll let the universe work that out and share later), but I looked. I didn't know who she was. Who the hell is that?

"HER. Learn from her. Find her."

Find who? Still didn't know who the hell this person is.

I'm never anyone to take messages from spirit, especially as loud and direct as this particular one, lightly. So, I woke up and followed the bouncing ball.

I searched IMDb. Nope, never heard of this woman before. Just watched this show she is on. 

I wasn't born yet when she did a lot of stuff, and was maybe 6 or 7 when she did one of the biggest things in her career. Lots of stage and theater...

...suddenly wondering why Spirit has been pestering me to go to NY and do theater. Coinsidence?

Okay, so I don't know this woman and haven't ever heard of her. 

YouTube, here I come.

I sat like the good student I am and listened to absolutely every single interview available on YouTube with this woman, and let me tell you... Lucy fucking knows me, knows the type of people I admire and respect, and knows who the hell knows their shit.

I learned more from this woman's interviews over the last however many years than I have EVER learned in any acting class or workshop - ever. I learned more about life, people, just... Fucking everything. 

It's interesting how few people have that type of aura. An air about them that commands instant respect. Not for egotistical reasons, but for sane and very well-intentioned reasons. I don't even know how to explain it. Instantly my read on her was A+. An excellent human being. 

Super, super smart. Excellent at her craft. All around a brilliant woman. She probably has had dozens and dozens of lifetimes.

Then, upon further research, one of the biggest hit shows this woman was on exists solely because of Lucille Ball.

Go fucking figure.

Problem is, there's legitimately no way to get a hold of her short of going through an agent who I know won't ever pass anything along. And what would I even say?

This is when guidance by spirit and with spirit becomes... A hinderance. Truth doesn't set you free, it turns you into the village idiot. Lies don't make you feel better, not because they're lies - it's just pretty flattery to cover the truth - but because you don't get why people don't just get this stuff. 

Also, saying, "Hey! Lucille Ball told me to get in touch with you! Coffee?" will get you 'banned' far more quickly than "I'm a huge fan please can I meet you" ever would. 

I have been guided to act on hiring her for something I do one day, so that will probably be the 'in' Lucy wants. Regardless, I'm completely thrilled Lucy alerted me to this brilliant woman's existence. 

It's really beautiful to know that out there, in the actual physical world, there's a woman who probably would give some advice and the time or day to me one day. Maybe even work with me. Let me learn things from her, and pick her brain. Who isn't some copy-cat who walked off the line in the Hollywood assembly plant. Who is a real human being, with real human feelings. 

That shit in this industry is fucking rare. 

Lucy has assured me she wouldn't send me someone who would ever be that way. Duh. Lucy really, really likes and admires this woman as well. Lucy's a majority of the influence that got her cast on that show Lucy was responsible for. 

(Though she helped cast her from Spirit.)

Girl power, bitches. 

So, that's really all for now. 

Been writing with the writers I have, which is wonderful. It's all a brand new experience, and I have to remind myself that I need to enjoy the inbetween moments. 

With my patience problem, it's very difficult to do that. Now that I know the real reason behind the issue, it helps.

Heard a woman the other night answer a man with "No." 

She had a heavy, interesting Irish accent I believe. There sounded like a 'r' sound at the end of the word 'No', but it was an accent. I have a shit ear for accents, so I could be way wrong.

*sigh*

This moon has been really fucking me up. Sleep patterns are all screwed. 

I should hit the hay. It's 4:30a. I'll do some meditation, kiss my kittens goodnight, and go to Snoozeville.

Peace & Love, friends.

(Why do I suddenly smell spaghetti?)

XO

Thursday, July 14, 2016

No Cut

Women, especially young women who take whatever avenue in the broad spectrum that is the 'entertainment industry' and getting real sick and tired. 

Real sick and tired, real fast.

Music, film, whatever. It all has the same variants of fuckery.

Snow, always speaking the truth:

Sunday, June 26, 2016

Saw Sissy in a Wendy's.

So I really have no clue what my dream last night was.

I wasn't thinking of Sissy (Marilyn), I didn't watch anything she was on, I didn't see her anywhere.

So, weird.

Also, no, I didn't go to a Wendy's. No one I know went to a Wendy's that day. I don't even live by a fucking Wendy's. There isn't any Wendy's stimuli anywhere.

So in this dream, I am driving down the road. Weird road, busy. Like a road in LA.

There's this older gold car that was driving up toward me, coming my way in the opposite lane.

I see that Sissy is in the drivers seat. At that time, the sun (or a spotlight) shined on her. Super bright. Head to toe, clearly, Sissy.

She pointed to her right, wanting me to follow her.

She pulled into a parking lot.

Next thing I remember, I'm walking into a Wendy's and I see Sissy standing in line. She was wearing a blue dress, short, made out of what looked like dark blue jean fabric.

She saw me and held her arms out, "Honey!"

"Hey you!"

First hug I ever got from her. 

Gave her a super huge hug. She's taller than me (who isn't), smelled really pretty. 

That's all I remember before my cat Luna jumped on my face and woke me up. 

She very clearly wanted me to be awake, and it was something like 6am.

Nope.

Went back to bed, and I saw my cat Cuddles who passed away jumping on a couch. 

I said 'Hi' to her and walked past, then woke up.

It was weird.

In other news:

YouTube is going well.

I'm having a bit of a career crisis that I need to take time and counsel my guides and Jonathan and the Angels for. 

I don't want to say much because I don't really know where I am with it. Emotionally, mentally, physically. I don't really know where I sit.

There's a lot that I'm doing that isn't in my heart, not a part of my soul, that I have to do right now or I don't work at all. There's a lot that I'm doing that I don't like doing. That's tiring me. That's irritating me. There's a lot that I'm doing by myself. I don't really want to nor am I able to do/continue to do this stuff by myself. 

There's a lot I see on the horizon, in the future, I'm not sure I can sign up for. I want to sign up for. Or, I know for sure I can navigate independently. 

I'm not sure if that's coloring my debacle or not, but... I need to figure things out. 

I don't even know how I feel about feeling the 'have to figure it out' thing.

*sigh*

Yeah, I need to sit and wait for guidance and advice from my guides. 

I'm pretty sure that's why I saw Sissy. 

They start filtering in at odd angles little by little before they lay some advice and answers on me. Or advice anyhow.

I stay open, I relax (it's a process), I wait.

When patience is a virtue one is still working to attain, that shit is hard.

I'm at a real toss-up.

Or maybe, just maybe, this is what surrender (detachment) feels like...

...but if it is, why is it tinted very faintly with sadness? 

*another sigh*

We shall see what happens, I guess. 

Life is fairly pleasant otherwise. 

I truly enjoy my moments. I am sitting at the seat of my soul, watching miracles happen every day. In and around my life. Working on keeping my humanity in check, my emotions balanced, and my anxiety about certain uncontrollables managed realistically. With the remembrance of reality, and that it isn't controllable.

Blah.

Okay, bored now. 

Peace, love, light & positivity.  

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Here we go...

So...

...had some interesting revelation the other night. 

Or, well, intervention anyways.

To keep this super short, the two nights before the Orlando shooting with Christima Grimmie and at Pulse, I was nauseated as fuck. 

Never happens to me. 

Occasionally when I'm on my period, but never like this.

The night of, about 9p, this horrifying migraine started. 

I don't ever usually get headaches. Never like this. Maybe sinus pressure headaches, but nothing like this.

Then, I find out about Christina. Then, I find out about Pulse. Then, I find out a friends friends sister had an aneurism and died that same night at about 11p.

...whaaaatttt....

That's clairsentiance. 

Me no likey.

I feel depressed before shit happens, sick, sad. That's all it ever is attributed to.

I don't really dig it. I'm not a fan of being sick or sad and not knowing why. Of feeling other people's feelings and not knowing why or where they're coming from. I don't really like that.

I didn't like seeing energy, that's why I stopped that Lisa Williams book I had. 

I just... I'm not a fan of how spirit or 'ghostly' things are manifesting. 

So I went to bed the other night, and I hear this voice in my head. Sounded like my voice, but wasn't. 

It said, basically, the reason that's happening to me like it is is because I have the other channels closed. 

Back when this first started happening to me, I saw angels clear as day. I saw a lady clear as day. I heard a lot of stuff, had really insane dreams... Everything. 

Then, this shadow guy (I mention on this Monday's episode of my YouTube series #TheMagicOf) ruined it. I slammed all the doors to whatever gift shut, I got scared, I panicked.

I have had a really hard time with it since.

I get pieces of other stuff, but nothing like I use to.

They said that since I closed the valve, so to speak, on the other gifts - that the energy and potential to do whatever the hell it is I can do - is flowing to other channels.

Hence my depression for random reasons, feeling random stuff, all that.

It clicked, like, "No shit. I guess that makes sense."

Hmm.

Well, okay then.

I had a talk with Johnathan (one of my guardian angels) and the archangels...

(Oddly enough, I was doing an angel card read from Doreen's Angel Tarot decks before this)

...afterward and told them that if it means I need to move this energy to other channels, I've got to. Because I can't do this this way anymore. I don't like it.

I've always been told whatever I do will get stronger, and I guess this is the catalyst.

I just need to release fear again, and completely trust and have faith. 

I did before. Back when I was only talking to Lucy and Marilyn and stuff, people I in some way knew and trusted. Because I knew who the were, by googling or whatever I could find out. Other people and things... Not so much.

So, it's kind of scary. 

But, I feel confident that I can do this. I'm being guided to, and keeping it real... I got to. 

Right now, my Grandma and I are watching Bob Ross. 

So, there's a lot of it that's awesome and majority is fun and light and love. That's what I have to remember. 

Also, I don't think I need to do crazy stuff. I don't need to sit and meditate and focus on opening whatever. I just need to allow, and trust, and focus on love. 

Didn't do anything fantastic before. Nothing at all. Just happened.

*sigh*

Here we go. 

The actress/filmmaker/producer/YouTuber who also happens to occasionally chat with dead people. 

Never seen that before have ya? 

Peace and Love, friends.

Monday, June 6, 2016

The Magic Of #TheMagicOf

I have to say that my YouTube series has been taking off, and it's beautiful.

I can't even begin to describe how amazing and truly touching it is to be able to have such wonderful, deep conversations with people.

Often times, most real people will message you and post long stuff. It's rare a real person (not a marketing bot) posts something like 'OMG ILY' randomly. Rare. 

I've been getting tons of private messages from people (mostly Tumblr) sharing such deep stories and just thanking me for the show and everything.

You can see some of the conversations with some folks on my Instagram. Some parts of stories and names removed for privacy, obviously. 

My intention in posting them at all and talking about it at all is to remind us all how not alone we are. How many other people struggle too, and are works in progress as well.  

I can't even begin... It truly just makes me want to cry. 

I know what it was like to be in the dark. With nothing and no one. 

I know what it's like to turn so many places and feel unwelcome everywhere.

I don't want that to continue with me. I want people to be able to laugh and be inspired at the same time - not bored to tears. 

And lots of the deep inspiration is lost on people who are still really struggling and suffering. They won't even bother with an hour meditation.

But they're laugh at something and let some piece of inspiration seep through. 

I am truly moved. 

To anyone who has shared a conversation with me: Know you have changed my life as much as you say I have yours. 

I'm not perfect either. 

But your stories and sheer transparency with me, trusting me with it... Means for to me than anyone could ever possibly understand. 

In spirit news:

Saw some dude in a red and blue checkered robe the other day. White shirt under it.

Heard someone say, "I'm gonna be fired from Saint Ibetza"? I know it was Saint and then whatever sounds like that. Some word sounding similar.

Welp, news for you... If I'm hearing you, chances are your concerns are beyond being fired. 

Also heard "I hope I'm smoking a cigarette."

Couldn't tell if they were different people or the same people. 

*shrug* 

Spirit is one big puzzle. 

Thought I would share.

Hope everyone's nights are fantastic! 

XO

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Walks, Spirit & Sissy.

It's been awhile.

Happy to report everything is on the up and up. I'm super happy and super peaceful. Everything is quite wonderful.

I'm really excited about my next several weeks of videos. Diving into spirit! With past lives, my love Wendy who is a professional and well known psychic medium, and more!

One of the things I believe I am here to do is bridge the gap between 'sensitive people who see and hear things' and 'normal people who don't and have other professions'. I'm partially both.

I'm an actor and filmmaker, but I'm also a sensitive person who sees, feels and hears things. 

I'm both. And that's normal. That's the new normal. That's much more common.

There is never anything to be afraid of as long as you're safe and know how to protect yourself and so forth. Clean chakras with reiki, all that jazz.

It's really pretty awesome. I'm blessed.

I also have to say that I am super blessed and grateful to be welcome to connect with my amazing viewers, my friends and family, on such a personal level. You guys have been sending me personal stories of pain and trauma, walking me through some of your memories and history you haven't told many if any. 

You guys, each and every one of you, ground me. I am honored to be welcome to speak with you. I am honored to know you. I am honored that you watch my show every week and truly enjoy it. You'll never know how much your enthusiasm and passion invigorates me. I make each episode with extreme love and passion for each and every one of you.

It's interesting how most deep connections are often times private and silent. 

I will continue to read your private messages and emails, and I WILL respond to each. I have always aspired to be a full human being. Not someone who just passes over messages and emails, but someone who truly engages. Person to person.

One day I'm sure I won't be able to do that with every single person, and it may take longer to respond, but I will do it. Some way, some how.

Unless you're some creepy pervert. Then, fuck you ya dirty bastard. Ew.

Otherwise...

...you're a human. I'm a human. There will never be any difference. Ever.

I was moved to tears today by some of your stories. I am just, speechless. I have the best group of friends around. You enable me to live my dreams, and you share yours with me. 

I'm humbled. 

Intense gratitude today. 

Beyond that, during my beautiful walk today I made some fun discoveries. 

I was with a friend in her neighborhood, and it's very old. A historical town. Old houses and even older history. 

Down this one street I caught the vibes of this dude in the back of a house all pissed off and angry at what the people living there did to the backyard.

A couple houses down, there was a woman in one house and a man in the house across the street who were having an affair. Circa 1800s.

They were both married. 

<gasp>

The street use to be dirt, caught a couple horse and buggy type things going by a couple other roads.

One super old house which I fell in love with but had really clean energy, which is rare and a hugely awesome sign. 

My friend isn't someone who believes or cares too much about that type of stuff so I never say anything. Just have my personal experiences. 

Everyone was very nice. Nothing dark or negative at all. 

Today is Sissy's birthday. Happy 90th!

She is one of the sweetest spirits. So kind and loving when she never had to be. I am grateful to know her.

Spirit comes back for birthdays and holidays and big events like weddings and things without you having to call them. They're always there, but, you know what I mean. They're always there when you ask (if they want to be) - but on birthdays and big events and stuff, they drop by with or without your asking.

I'm not her biological family so it's not like she's coming by for me, but I'm just wishing her a Happy Birthday. (& so is the rest of the universe lol).

I love you so much Sissy. Seriously, thank you for everything you do.

Oddly enough, I'm wearing a t-shirt with Mumsie and Aunt Viv on it. She gets a kick out of me calling her Mumsie, so from now on Mumsie it is. 

Every time I would see Sissy, Mumsie would be right there too. Especially in California. Especially when I went to her grave. 

Mumsie (I'm getting sick of typing that now) use to guide me in, out, to and from any and all auditions. On every lot. In every corner or dark alley. So did JJ but, yeah.

I love spirit. 

How do you go back from that beauty? It's pretty fucking awesome.

I'm grateful.

Rendering and uploading videos all day/night today/tonight. Joy. 

I am still grateful.

Hope all is well with everyone. 

XO

Monday, May 23, 2016

Mental Illness

This probably won't be a popular opinion, but, I don't care. It needs to be said.

So, this culture and societal discussion around mental illness is - in my opinion - harmful. 

First let me say that I know I had severe mental illness for most of my childhood. The person I am now doesn't seem that way, but my entire childhood was extremely dark. I don't need to explain just how much, but it was. My mind was in no good place at all. It was horrifying, and very tragic. Demonic even. Very alarming. 

With what I say and believe now, people can say "well then you never had any mental illness because it doesn't go like that" and that's your personal opinion. Which is fine. Everyone's allowed to have those. 

But you never saw me. You didn't experience that part of my life. And what was the one phrase I use to say to people very angerly, offensively, over and over again when anyone said to me anything in the ballpark of what I'm about to say?

"I am depressed. You don't get it, you don't understand what it's like."

It made me mad when anyone assumed I could just change my fucking mind. It made me so, so angry. I would think 'you don't understand at all, you're not in my mind or my house or my life. You don't know, you don't get it, it's not that fucking easy'.

Well, I wish I could turn around to my 13 year old self and sit her down and say:

"Yes. Yes, it is that fucking easy."


Now I've had people say "well if what you're saying is true then you must just be one of the strongest people in the world then mentally".

That may be true, but... It's more a 'fight or flight' thing. Survival. Give in, or stand up and fight. 

I've always been a fighter. Always.

Regardless the abuse in my childhood, I've always had the soul of a warrior. 

After I tried to kill myself, I looked at my blacked out room I would lay in and cry and self injure. I looked at my dark, oppressive household with the yelling and fighting and negativity. I looked at my arms. My life. What did I do? What was going on? What was happening to me? 

I was never happy. I couldn't think a positive thought (at the time) if my life depended on it (which it most certainly did). I couldn't smile, I couldn't see happiness or anything outside of anger and drugs to take the pain away or anxiety and stress and upset. Every single day, all day, nothing else.

I got angry.

I told myself this fucking shit stopped today. I'm done with this shit. I want the happiness other people talk about. I want the friendships and love and the life everyone says is so beautiful.

I want that.

So fuck this shit. This shit ends today.

And from that moment on, I worked unbelievably hard to do that. And my life has done a completely flip.

I think back to what I use to be, who I use to be, and can't believe it. It's almost like I'm a different human being entirely.

And everyone in this world can do that.

My opinion continues, of course, based on my personal experience.

I am extremely grateful there weren't these crazy discussions around mental illness and depression when I was dealing with my fight for my life.

Why?

Well for one thing I would have just been put on some medication I depended on my entire life and never figured out how to get above it and would probably be stuck in a place to where I could now never be without it. So, there's that. 

It's my opinion that today's places and people to go to for discussions and 'support' for mental illness, to an extent, it's not a place where people go who sit in therapy and really work hard at turning it around. It's a place people go to sit and excuse away every shitty thing in their life with "well I have a mental illness, so you just don't understand" when they're not trying to better themselves at all. 

I think today most people have a shitty experience and milk it all day long. All month long. They catalogue all these experiences and replay them in their minds with help from these forums and discussions and groups to further cement shitty shit in their minds. 

Now, it seems to be the worst thing in the world when someone says "hey, just fight. you can beat this." Instantly, attacks about "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND" and/or "HOW HORRIBLE" and/or "HOW INSENSITIVE".

...really? So, we're just gonna keep the darkness parade going? 

We're not gonna allow anyone at all to give an emotionally empowering speech of any kind that says "you're in your own way"? No? Well, okay then....

Guess you want to feel that way forever then.

"YOU REALLY THINK ANYONE WANTS TO FEEL THIS WAY?!"

Yes. In this day and age, lots of people.

*huge gasp of disapproval from the audience*

Why?

Because this is, in my opinion, a victim culture. Not a warrior culture. 

We cry about 'woe is me' and have thousands and millions of people to join that discussion. That's okay. That's supported. To continue to talk about how they've just got a mental illness and that's how it is so shut up.

It becomes habit. 

Did you know thoughts and feelings become comfortable, and that becomes a habit?

But, that's never discussed either.

Did you know that it is possible to retrain your brain? Your emotions?

No. That's not popular or acceptable either. That's offensive and somehow insensitive. 

What's meant to be a way out that myself or others share with those in the dark gets turned into this horribly offensive thing.

Which, serious newsflash, if you get offended by that... Life is not going to be a pretty place for you. Ever. 

Geezus, life is raw and real and in your face and tough and painful. If you need to put metaphorical bubble wrap on everything and everyone and every word and every opinion... You're really fucked, and that isn't helping your problem.

Instead of people helping other people to stand up and fight and claim happiness and make a firm, conscious decision to say 'NO MORE' to the mental illness and depression and shit... They've got people supporting the sickness, and enabling, and creating groups and cushions and places that make it worse. Breed more of it. Send it deeper into your soul.

Someone is going to jump up and say "So what about schizophrenia then?! They just need to 'get over it'?"

No, that is voices and shit. That, in my opinion, is a real serious mental illness that doctors need to see and treat.

But emotions? Sadness? Anxiety? Yeah, you need to look yourself in the mirror and proclaim that you're gonna get over it. And work your ass off to do so.

To be fair, that notion comes from understanding energy and frequencies. Understanding that every thought you think becomes a real thing. Watching the movie 'The Secret' and researching. YouTubing sessions and deep discussions from public motivational seminars from Iyanla Vanzant, Dr. Wayne Dyer, Doreen Virtue, Louise Hay, Michael Beckwith, Bishop T.D. Jakes & so many more.

Record and download the thousands of free audio tracks with positive affirmations. Pinch Me Living are my personal favorite. YouTube them, listen to them at LEAST once a day. 

Make a gratitude journal. Write down things you're grateful for every day. Force yourself. Start with your ability to see, the fact that you have eyes or legs or a roof over your head. 

Look yourself in the mirror every morning and say to yourself, "Today will be a beautiful day". Even if you don't believe it. Say it. Repeat it until something sparks inside of you. 

But, you know, there's tons of people who just won't do any of that. Because "I have a mental illness, it's not that easy."

Until you've seriously, very seriously done all of that and made your mindset firm in changing your ways and done everything all day every day for 30-60 days... You're just excusing it because depression and the shield of 'mental illness' has became so comfortable for you that you just don't want to leave that negative cocoon. 

A sad but painful truth. 

People love feeling like shit. They bathe in it after a certain amount of time. Anything else, stepping outside of their comfort zones (the comfort zone being the 'mental illness') is very scary and they just don't want to.

It's my opinion if the words "well I have a mental illness so.." are ever uttered from your mouth as an excuse for absolutely anything, then you have identified a problem and that's the first step. Now, change it. You see what's wrong, you've identified it. Now you set about changing it.

It's also my opinion that most things that are classified today as 'mental illness ' aren't. It's also my opinion (which has actually been proven if you look into it) that the pharma industry just wants money. And there's always money in a 'disease', regardless what kind. The more pills they can sell? Fantastic. The more 'sick' people? The better! 

If someone doesn't want to go about the often times ridiculously hard work it takes to completely and totally clear yourself of your depression and/or 'mental illness', then sure you can always go get medicated. 

Some people tried and still can't make it go away. Then absolutely, go get medicated. The whole point is to get yourself feeling normal. Perfect. Happy. Joyful.

What I've seen, the majority of what I've seen and witnessed was people who haven't done either. They don't fight themselves, they don't do anything I suggested or hell other people suggest. They just sit down and to everything use the excuse of "I have a mental illness" then of course "...how dare you."

Feels like I see a million versions of my 13 year old self everywhere. 

And it's hilarious to me that people get so angry and offended by that shit. I understand when it's presented very offensively and hostile, sure. Depending. But I mean was it really offensive? Hostile? 

I mean seriously think about that. When you're so dark and so deep into a mental illness or whatever and anyone comes along that says "hey, it's easy to get out of, just do this this and that. Hard work but it's relatively simple and can be done" you should be like, "...seriously? No shit! Tell me, explain, I'm gonna try it." But not. The comfort of the pain and the habit of it says "nope, keep the good stuff out" - some can even say that's proof of mental illness, I still say nope. That's just like any habit people don't wanna break. 

Kind of like co-dependency. 

Or smoking. Or drugs. Or whatever. 

The biggest hurdle is, when I really broke it down inside myself and what I find with other people, when you break it all the way down... You don't want to. 

You don't want to try, or heal, or whatever. You just don't want to. 

Again, that's broken all the fucking way down. Asking a thousand 'whys' to yourself. 

There are adults I know with children as old as me who when asked why they won't do something or why they can't do this or that for the kid or themselves or whatever, the answer is - seriously - "well I have a mental illness". 

Are you kidding me? 

Well, the conversation around that now makes it so you can use that as any kind of excuse. And anyone who says "are you fucking kidding me" is demonized. 

Lots of adults with kids my age also use the excuse, very seriously, "well my parents weren't there for me and never taught me how to do that, so, I can't."

...

...

But you've just identified what you don't know how to do, so the next step is to go figure out how to do that! In whatever way you need to figure it out! Not sit here and use that as a crutch and excuse your whole life!

Now these kids are fucked up. 

Gee. Wonder why. 

And it's also my opinion that if your mental illness is in your opinion so bad that you won't be able to raise a child effectively, and you won't be able to do damn near anything... Maybe time to consider abortion. Or, if you're the man, have the conversation that maybe y'all shouldn't have kids. 

That goes into a discussion of pro choice and women being allowed to do with their bodies whatever they want, doesn't it? 

#ProChoice

In my opinion I see excuses everywhere, and not many stepping up and just figuring it the fuck out themselves. Or at least taking the steps to really try. 

Like I said above, maybe it really is that mental toughness. Because as I said it's a lot of when you break it down 'I don't want to'. So when you're laying in bed all week, the last thing you want to do is get up and open the shades or go and take a walk.

Just don't want to. A firm 'no' in your mind. 

So... How do you figure out how to make yourself, force yourself to go do it?

Because you can. 

It just takes work. 

Being insanely strong, and deciding you're not going to let yourself be like that another minute. 

But, you know, that's my opinion from my personal experience. 

To be fair, the handful of people I've worked with privately who have taken it seriously and really applied what I've said have all recovered. 200%. 

There was one girl I'll never forget, she reminded me of me. She said instantly the shit I did, got all upset and mad at me "who the fuck do you think you are" and "you don't understand what mental illness is then" using it as a shield, as usual. Going on and on.

But I love that attitude. Because I know that that fire can be spun around and used to save someone's life.

So, I did, and we worked and flipped it around and I gave her back the same fire she gave me (because usually they're use to people being all politically correct with them) and she respected me for that. Then, I got real and raw and honest. 

Today, a good 2 years later, she finally admitted to her Mom she needed help and went into treatment (which she refused to do before), and she's practicing positive affirmations and meditation and walks and shit and doing completely and totally good now! 

She doesn't use anything as an excuse anymore. She refuses to let that come into her life again. She did it. 

And really, from what I've seen, if taken extremely seriously - as seriously as one takes (or says) their mental illness - you can, too.

But, fuck me right? I'm just some insensitive asshole. 

*shrug*

I just wanna help save lives, and help everyone have the best and happiest lives they can. 

Not popular opinions, but, it's in the best of intentions. 

Like Oprah and Dr. Wayne Dyer said, "When you say 'I Am Depressed', you're calling that into your life. You're declaring it, putting your name on it, identifying with it and calling it to you."

Yes. You really are. 

I just wish I saw less 'I have a mental illness ' and 'I am depressed' because people have no idea how dangerous those claims are. 

Instead, affirm, "I am healed, I am happy, I am loved, I am peaceful" - affirm good shit, not bad shit. 

Really. It does change your life. 

But, what do I know? 

*shrug* 


XO

Saturday, May 21, 2016

Feeling better. Thank God.

Good news.

I feel much better.

That's a bonus.

I really don't know where that shit comes from.

Ashley Gray reminded me, "I hope nothing bad happens. You feel that way sometimes before bad stuff happens."

Idk if I mentioned that in the pervious entry. Yeah, sometimes I do.

I had to take a second and refocus. Positive affirmations and reiki. Helped a bit. 

Also, getting out and doing more filming helped a lot.

Bonus.

And the shit is coming together nicely. It's for a new series I have coming to the channel. It'll be funny, because as Mama Lucy says, "The kid's got it."

Comedy is easy for me. And fun.

I'd love to be in a film with Melissa McCarthy some day. I feel like we'd work together so effortlessly. Just watching her work, our humor is very similar. So is delivery. But I think that's because it's so close to who I already am.

Love that her and her husband write and direct most of their stuff. That's awesome. I want to be a filmmaking team with my husband one day.

So, yeah. I feel better.

I tried looking up everything too. Did my shit mood have anything to do with a past life date I wasn't aware of? No. Not that I could find. Did any of my guides die on one of those dates? Not that I could find. 

I did wake up the next morning and I knew in the insane sleep fog that a man was standing on the right side of my bed. And I smelt this INSANELY STRONG cologne. 

It lasted for a second, because I flipped over still in my sleep haze and went right back to sleep.

Interesting. I'll have to ask my friend about that. She'd know.

It didn't feel bad, but I was so tired who knows. And Lucy has been around like crazy, but it was a man and a mans cologne. Nothing womanly. Masculine energy and a very masculine smell.

*shrug*

Welcome to the confusing world of spirit! Where everything is a guessing game! 

Where you ask, "Who are you?" and have to be alert to the answer that will probably appear as a random sign somewhere at a later date. Like a puzzle.

Oh well. Could be worse.

It felt kind of like a protector. Some spirit being like a guardian. It wasn't an Angel, they've been human before. Maybe one of my Grandpas? 

I've never known an Angel or pure light being or even a bad presence to bring a smell. Just an energy, a feeling. No smells. Guides and spirits who use to be human do though. 

We'll see.

So yeah, I spend the last two days editing. Good fun. Learning something new about editing every day.

What I don't understand is how my video quality is so crisp in my editing program then once I upload it, watching it on my desktop on my YouTube channel it looks blurry. More so than before.

I don't understand. 

I'll have to look that up before I render and upload this one.

If Jared hadn't jumped off the fucking building I'd just be able to call him!

God damnit, Jared. Fucker.

#StopSuicide 

He was an editing genius. 

Oh well. I learned a lot from him while he was here so I should be grateful for that.

Lucy's been around. So I've been told. I had a mild breakdown with my friend Wendy. She handled it well, haha. It's nice to be able to vent/talk to someone about it.

My computer isn't fantastic and I've been on it all day, so I need to give it a break for the rest of the evening. I can feel it being ready to shut down on me. 

Just wanted to update! 

Feeling wonderful. Had some strange man visit (maybe not so strange). Filmed. Editing.

Oh! & I got to see my beautiful photographer Lori and her son Dylan. Had some fun with them.

Okay, tis all. 

Check out my new episodes on my YouTube channel! 

XO

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Idk. Just tired.

Is it ever really, really hard to simply exist for any other super 'sensitive' and 'awake' people out there? 

I've had a particularly rough last couple days. 

It's good to know what severe depression actually is when it manifests inside my body, so there's power in that. Never goes away, but when it comes back I know what it actually is and how to manipulate that energy. 

Or, how to at least let it be for awhile. 

A professional medium friend told me today that like 4 planets are in retrograde, so, there's that. Certainly doesn't help.

I now sink into this funk where it just sucks to be sensitive. 

How I can see so many things for other people, but not for myself. 

How I work so unbelievably hard and don't feel like I'm getting anywhere. No, I'm not just sending headshots and going to auditions. I'm trying to build a fucking empire. A legacy. And that shit... Very discouraging most of the time. 

With all the insane detailed plans I have for every single step of the way... It's just, still so hard. And I feel like I'm on a hampster wheel. 

The closest and best friends I'll ever have in this lifetime both killed themselves.

The stuff about myself I can see, past life shit and connections to others... They're either dead (see above) or they don't see what I see. 

And that's one of the things about being 'awake' at that level or specific part that's the hardest. 

Having people in your life, or even seeing them and spotting them and knowing they exist, who have been a part of your life before. And you can see it, and you can feel it, and even if they acknowledge it... They're not ready. They don't see what you see. They don't 'get it'. 

I met a sister of mine from a previous lifetime. She didn't get it. She knew, even was super sensitive, but didn't get it. Has so much of her own baggage to deal with, she basically forced all the good people out. That hurt. 

Some other friends I knew, they have way too much shit going on in this lifetime they can't grasp.

Even people in other parts of the world, all ages and genders, all social statuses & professions.... Lots of people aren't open to it. Most would get a PPO. Others would dismiss you completely. 

It feels like a death each time. Like, I don't know, I really am all by myself. 

Even the people one would think are 'my people', usually aren't. I don't smoke week &/or spend weekends at raves. Not stereotyping. That's the majority of these types of people. 

Others are at the far opposite end. Sitting in huts doing yoga all day and not shaving or showering. 

That's kind of a stereotype, lol. Relax, it's all in love and laughs here.

But really, I don't know... Just feeling the impact of some heavy shit these last couple days. 

I think one of the shittest feelings, personally, is just wanting to go home. 

Not wanting to kill myself. Not wanting to end my life. Just, exhausted. Tired. Wanting to go home. Like a homesick feeling. 

But home is spirit. To return to spirit. To go home. 

All my friends are there, all the people who are around and help me are there. My favorite relatives. Angels. Everyone is there. 

And I just get sick of this human shit. Society and standards and bullshit and I'm sick of showering and shaving and I'm sick of having my period and I'm sick of being bored and having to wait for shit and I'm sick of working like a dog for fucking nothing and I'm just sick of humanity. Being human. 

Sick of knowing what I know and walking around like I am with who I am by myself. I'm sick of not comprehending most of the shit I see or hear on a day to day basis. I'm sick of the stupid shit like levels and social groups and just... I'm sick of humans. 

I'm sick of humanity. I'm sick of humans. I'm sick of earth. I'm just tired of it. 

I'm not in pain, I don't want to die, I'm not suicidal... I just, I'm sick and tired. I'm really tired. I want to go home. I don't wanna do this shit anymore. 

But, I won't be killing myself. I'm not suicidal. Even if I was, it's just never an option. 

Then I get mad at myself because I know I agreed to this shit and even what I'm experiencing now I agreed to. I agreed to be here, I knew I'd feel like this. I knew I'd deal with this shit, and I still came. 

It's just hard to explain how I feel more a part of a sunset or the stars than I do the rest of humanity. And how that feels.

And that's not even some weird creepy 'sings under the moon' shit. It's just, in my soul. The same way you might look at a picture of your grandmother who passed away and miss her, remember the good times, remember her hugs or whatever... That's how it feels. That's what the difference feels like. Inside. 

I don't know if that made any sense. I hope so.

Each connection who moves by or ignores it stings. It's against the rules to go chasing people. That fucks up their lessons and mine. You can't impose upon anyone's free will either. You can't make someone make the right decisions. You can't make anyone do differently. You can't make anyone see or hear or acknowledge. You aren't allowed to go following them around like a weirdo freak either, lol. So... It's hard. 

People move away from me, the soul people, and it does - it feels like a loss. From people who, you realize, think a phone only works one way to the people who prioritize your friendship way behind an abusive boyfriend or the people who stab you in the back once you go all out for them because they tricked you. And you don't usually do that, but you see the shit other people don't see. To, of course, the people who you can't even mention it to because you'd be in jail. And of course the people who wouldn't ever give you the time a day anyways, or acknowledge your existence. 

It's impossible to explain. 

And the shit in society, that's the worst. The standard of living we all follow like brainwashed dumbbells. The things people pretend to not see. The games and even money, like why? I don't understand money or people's obsession with it. I truly don't. I will never understand that about humans. 

Why?

It's even tiring being human for that alone. I'm sick of having to figure out how to aquire paper that people put a value on to get shit people say we need.

I just don't understand any of it. 

I guess this is the shit that's a bleed from the very last lifetime I spend in the 'spirit realms' as a goddess. Yep. Got a whole past lives YouTube video coming out where I'll be discussing all of them in depth. First Monday in June.

Even that... Why do I want to do film so badly? Acting? Why won't that desire go away? I don't understand. But nothing feels like it's breaking for me. No ones seeing me, no one wants to help or cares to assist at all really which is fine I get it (one of those societal standards that perplex me)... But, it's really aggravating to even care so much about it. 

Legacies aren't easy to build. 

Why did I get sent here with this passion that... I don't know. I don't even have the energy to try and analyze that shit anymore. 

Language is irritating. Tiring. Really. 

Why can't people just read minds? Energy transfers to words. Soulmates know that. They don't even have to talk, they just know what one is thinking most of the time. 

Language is tiring. 

Even that, soulmates, I know I only have one. I could be one to many but I only have one true soulmate. I'm almost 30. Where the fuck is he? What's going on here?

And he's supposed to be in the film industry already? So I've been told repetitively. Really? Yeah, that seems real possible. Makes tons of sense. 

Not. 

Humanity is irritating. Things are so much simpler and happier in spirit. I'm just sick of it. Emoting, doing shit, feeling shit, seeing stupid shit, existing. Tired of it.

I have filming to do tomorrow. In a really great emotional place to do that. 

I'm just really tired. Exhausted. 

I know being human is like climbing this great insane staircase, but I feel like I take one step and am then forced to stand on that one step for 6 months to a year and a half before I can take another step. 

Just tired man. I don't even have anything else to say. 

I know this'll go away eventually. It just sucks. There's always a fragment of it inside me. Sometimes, it flares up. 

I'm gonna go try and sleep. 

XO

Monday, May 9, 2016

The Soul

There is often an enormous difference between what the soul knows and the human mind understands.

Let me repeat that...

There is often an enormous difference between what the soul knows and the human mind understands.

...one more time, stay with me...

There is often an enormous difference between what the soul knows and the human mind understands.

Wow. 

When that really hits you, it's like a slap in the face. 

A good one, but... A slap just the same. 

What your soul knows, beyond any questions and doubt, it knows. What the human mind understands: limited. Dependent on outside things like analytics and books and validation. 

Two different capacities. 

The soul doesn't need validation. In any form. Not a single one. It just knows. To the core of your souls being, it doesn't waiver. It can't. It's cemented in truth. A truth that can't be seen, heard or felt by any person or any thing other than you and your senses inside your beingness.

Your truth doesn't ever have to be anyone else's truth. 

Your soul isn't something that most can see or feel. That's where the epicenter of you exists. That's the thing that continues to continue on. Beyond life, beyond death. That's the thing that explodes into the atmosphere, beyond this human level of sight, and exists inbetween rays of light... Sound vibrations... Particles of dirt and dust and air. Your soul. You. True you. 

Here's a small task, experiment, exercise for you. 

I will caution very strongly to not attempt this unless you're very grounded. 

What does that mean? 

Who are you? 

Seriously. Who are you? 

Are you solid and strong in who you are? This lifetime? The center of you, your soul, is it rooted inside you? 

Thinking about life, does it make you smile? Do you think about all the ups and downs and get excited to be living this game that is the human experience? Are you delighted to see each day, and to be witness to the magic that appears? 

If your answers are depressing, questioning or questionable - anything outside of pure love and joy - do NOT do this exercise. 

Also, I would strongly suggest to not do this unless you're a wee bit advanced spiritually. A good indication is if you know who Doreen Virtue is, own several crystals, sage your house, and have done at least one tarot reading for yourself. Haha. 

But seriously. Please take my warning seriously. I'll explain why after. 

Go lay down. Relax. And begin to imagine...

...imagine your entire body beginning to sparkle and glow this brilliant white light. If you were to look into a mirror, you'd see yourself glowing and sparkling. 

Sit with that for a second. If you're good at this, with practice, this is a very quick healing and 'positive energy' tool. Your entire body sparkling and glowing. Seeping through your skin. Your eyes, your bones, your organs. Everything. 

Giving it light it illumination from your soul.

Sit with this light. 

After a moment, switch in your consciousness from your human body - to this light. Meaning you are now the light. You are the light. You're the light, not the body. You switch from your humanness, to your soul. The divine that you really are. That shines in you all the time anyways. 

You're still in your body, your human body is still getting all the dazzling light benefits. You can still move your arms, legs, everything... But you are the light. 

(The 'switching' is a visualization tool I use to find 'the seat of self', or 'the seat of the soul'.)

Take some deep breaths, and when you're ready, in the light, step outside of your body.

Step outside of your body. 

You are now a person shaped being of light that is you. If you were to look down, you'd see only light. A light shaped body. You can still move your 'arms' and 'legs', but, you're pure light. 

If you looked behind you, you would see your body.

You aren't in your human body. Not right now. 

What do you feel? 

Free? Lifted? Spacious? Peaceful? 

Take a moment and listen. You are now in the space that human eyes can't see, and human ears can't hear. You can possibly get some messages and guidance here. 

If you get nothing, don't worry about it. 

Just take a moment and feel. Be.

This should feel positive. Amazing. New. This, this is your soul. Your true nature. Your 'higher self'. 

When you're ready, step back into your body. After a couple moments, switch in your mind your consciousness back to your human brain. Take deep breaths. Open your eyes, thank your spirit for that experience, and think of like 3 things that's awesome and cool and different about being allowed to be human.

JUST IN CASE you got stuck in that, or you have a shitty/sad/depressed feeling now (like I did and I will explain), I want you to IMMEDIATELY go here and listen to this in full: https://youtu.be/EHSgac8yxt4

Also, say this out loud:

"Archangel Michael, help me! Guardian Angels, I acknowledge you all and welcome you into my life. Please help ground me and center my soul. Please assist me to re-align my spiritual energy with my human existence."

I don't care if you don't believe it. Fucking do it. I'm very serious. 

If you feel happy, refreshed, positive, and have a whole new cool outlook on humanity and spirit... You did it right. You have a healthy spiritual and emotional perspective. 

I wasn't so lucky. 

When I stepped out of my body, it was AMAZING. Holy shit it was real, folks. And it should be. It was free and uninhibited and cool and careless and without fear or worry. It was what pure spirit is. The same vibration spirit is on. 

My problem was that I didn't want to go back into my body. Not at all.

And automatically, I knew that was dangerous. 

Because really, this experiment is also basically what we experience when we die. 

My Uncle was like me. He had my 'gifts' I guess. Instantly, when I went to go back into my body I thought of him when he had a similar dream.

He told me about how he had to have my Aunt basically lock him in the house for a week or however long so he didn't kill himself to get back to that feeling.

I didn't want to let that dread, that disgust and depression of human versus spirit linger in me. And that's why I hope you took/take that warning I gave above very seriously. 

It can fuck you up. Especially if that's the first 'spiritual/soul/multi-dimensional' personal experience you have. 

Especially since every human lifetime has things that happens, mild traumas to huge traumas, that shatters pieces of your soul and leaves them places. But that's an entirely different conversation, and yes they can all be recovered when you know. Doreen Virtue has some great meditations for that. 

To be honest, this was several months ago now that I did my exercise. That I got all screwed up. 

I really wanted nothing more than to truly live as that light. Fuck humanity, I want that. Peace, eternal peace. No cares in the world. To be with spirit and back to how it used to be (my last 'lifetime' was extensive there, so I may have a deeper longing than others). 

But, it pays to know the laws of humanity and spirit. As I've said many times, when you kill yourself you automatically come back. You don't have a choice. So, there's that. And why would you want to skip out on this human experience? 

There will only ever be one of you existing right now as whoever you exist as at this time. You have other names and identities, but they're not now. Not this stream of consciousness. Not this set of experiences. 

Do your absolute best this time. There is a reason you're here. Find out what it is.

I called on everyone. I did reiki. I grounded myself (quick way: imagine roots growing out of your feet and deep into the earth). It took me awhile, and even now I don't even like to do it. Just makes me sad, and I end up feeling claustrophobic in my body. 

*sigh*

It's not supposed to feel that way. 

And really, that's kind of an advanced exercise honestly. Really, you shouldn't even go there unless you've been meditating and 'dealing' with spiritual stuff for awhile. 

But, that's how awesome your soul is. 

Humans and human bodies were created as a tool, a machine for spirits to use to travel through earth and be able to have real, tangible, deep experiences. So spirits would have a way to be seen. So spirits would have a way to experience food, love, friendship, sex, careers, whatever shit that we humans get to do that spirit doesn't. 

Human beings - our bodies were created as a machine to let spirits have some fun. 

In truth, the point of the exercise is to make one understand that they can live from their soul all the time. People can and should feel that way in human life every second of every day. It is possible, it's just difficult. 

Nothing good comes easy. 

There's no order of difficulty in miracles, but that doesn't mean the world won't make sure you learn and work and truly want what you say you want. Make sense? 

Fate trumps anything. That's always a rule, too.

But you can find that peace and that light in how you live inside yourself every single day. It's hard, but it's worth finding out.

And honestly, that's what spirituality is. Having those spiritual experiences with your own spirit, your own soul, and the souls and spirits of those around you. Living and passed.

It's in deep places of realization and personal spiritual experiences that you clearly understand and know that thoughts do create things. Really and truly.

That every emotion is a vibration, and to be careful how long you sit in each one.

That every person who comes into your life in any way/shape/form/fashion is for a reason. Good, bad, whatever. It's all for a reason.

That there is no such thing as coinsidences.

That signs are real. You can feel them, see them, in a thousand different ways. 

You start seeing and feeling the direction the world is pointing you in.

It's really pretty cool. 

I initially started this blog post because I was going to explore my past lives some more with you. That's how I initially got thinking of my soul. The soul. 

It's seen so much. Lived through dozens of lifetimes. Handfuls of marriages and deaths. Friends and family. Kids and jobs. 

But... I think I'll leave it here. With just the soul. 

I'll also share my favorite Reiki master, Lourdes. Her channel on YouTube is an absolute must-watch. She's so amazing and powerful it's insane. I strongly suggest you get into some kind of reiki routine. 

Even if you laugh at it or me... You should do it anyways. It just may surprise you.

I'll link her awesome video to remove negativity, and you can (and should always) listen to that one first before finding some more you'd like to benefit from.


In spirit news:

Some man yelled "No" at me last night, and I've been hearing chattering conversations in lots of places I sensibly shouldn't.

Also, I've been seeing both my cats that have passed away, Kitty and Cuddles, all over the place. 

Which is very wonderful, because I miss them. So glad I've been able to begin opening myself up again, even just for that alone. 

Cuddles

Kitty


Namasté.