Saturday, January 30, 2016

April 27, 1865

Oh aren't past lives fun?

I don't understand why I've had such horrific deaths. I don't. 

Once you believe/remember/understand past lives, they become a deep fascination. It really is like putting a puzzle of your soul and fragments of it from all over time together again. I can't explain the depth of questions it answers and things it makes make sense. 

I put two and two together on something last night. I've had a dream about this past life before. Different setting and shit but it was the same, more or less.

Found this:

I seen it at first on some Mysteries and Monuments show. Was like, "Oh!" That's the life I was a prostitute. Or, sex worker.

I feel like we were snuck in. Like, weren't supposed to be there technically but we were. And I was with another girl (who is alive now and I'm pretty sure I know who she is, but she's 'famous' so... Good luck on making those dots connect) and we agreed to sneak in together. 

I mean a butt load of dudes and soldiers and stuff... I'm not surprised there were prostitutes. And we were two of them. 

Hmm. 

It seems like the tragic lives I have a hard time connecting with deep in my soul. It's like a memory. Not necessarily a connection. It's interesting.

So, yeah. If I wasn't on that specific boat (which I believe I was), I was on another one around that time.

Fucking died on the fucking Titanic too. What in the fuck. Some fucked up shit. 

Hello reason I will never ever be on a boat. Ever. 

I was with a friend the other night at lunch/dinner, and mentioned something about my period and bleeding to death... Then she said immediately, "No. Not in this lifetime you won't." Before she reminded me of my life where I was murdered. 

I didn't even realize I'd said it that way. Very interesting stuff. 

How many past lives do you think you've had? Any weird interests or hobbies or memories you have (reoccurring dreams even) that don't seem to make any sense whatsoever?

Analyze it.

The 'answers' may surprise you. 

Also, watching some Ghost Whisperer again. I'm loyal, and distrusting of anything else. 

Melinda and Jim are my favorite. I want a relationship like that. Their relationship/marriage is perfect. 

And it's possible. It is for everyone. People just don't think it is, so they settle. 

And I mean they're just amazing. I think Jim is the perfect man, I do. And they eat dinners outside on the porch and take road trips and he's totally down with her gift... In love with fictional Jim.

& can I PLEASE get JLH's entire wardrobe from that show? I think I may be half a cup size bigger than her, and I know I'm half an inch shorter than her (I've actually grown since last time I was measured), other than that I would be the world best stand in for her. Side job! 

Seriously why haven't I been cast as her sister? Why haven't we been cast as sisters? We may look so alike we couldn't. 

Throw that Laci Chambert girl in the mix and we're one confusingly twinning cast. 

Or I've been brainwashed by my family and friends and their parents my entire life.

Great for my self esteem. Every time I see her and think how fucking gorgeous she is, I think, "...& everyone tells me I look like her. Feelin' myself. I'm Feelin' myself."

Seriously I'm in love with Jim. Fictional Jim and Spencer Reid apparently need to marry and have a son and I shall marry that fictional son and live happily ever after in Makebelieveland. 

He really is perfect. I mean not even his looks (tho gorgeous, not a negative) but just everything else. Perfect. 

Seriously. 

I love Jim Gordon. 

Okay. Bored now. Meditate and sleep. 

Way, way better than Netflix and chill.

Or stargaze and chill. Outdoes all of them. 

XO


Thursday, January 28, 2016

I love Doritos, & cats, & self defense training.

Nightgowns are my favorite thing. 

Only, clothing manufacturers need to seriously start thinking of real boobs when they make women's clothing.

Seriously - look at the clothes when you shop. They're made for women with fake boobs (backless, strapless, next to 0 cover or support for the space for boobs that need a bra and don't sit up on their own) or they're made for women with no boobs (super small space for boobs, or no real space for boobs, short length since if boobs went in it it would become a belly shirt). 

They make these hilarious 'built in bra' things and it's for like an A cup in an extra large size. Pointless. And the straps are a joke. 

I have a lingerie addiction/problem and no one to wear it for. Same bra problem there too. Mainly crappy Halloween costume quality material (shit) and made to not provide support for plastic tits. Shame. 

I really don't understand sick weirdos who stalk people (episode of Criminal Minds). I just... How does someone get so delusioned they believe someone really... I don't even know. I don't get it. Someone doesn't care about you, move on! Find someone who does! I don't understand. How does someone not understand they're fucking delusional? I don't understand. Don't get it. Weird people out there. Very creepy. And yes every once in awhile there's a woman who stalks a man or another woman, but by and large it's usually men stalking women. Like really? Why? Oh, toxic masculinity and women are property. How backwards and sick. Why can't men care about women as human beings without having to remind them of their mothers, sisters and daughters? Someone personally tied to them? They have to personally relate for them to feel? Don't get it. 

There's police and shit that always say when profiling these sicko's "something as small as a smile or being polite can trigger these men". Happened in real life to a friends daughter. She smiled at a man in a gas station as she walked by, he followed her home and raped her after her husband left for work. God forbid women be polite these days. I love my bitch face and I keep it that way! Fuck that shit. 

The best way to stop a woman who is babbling about something (to the extent of 'I mean I like you but I don't know if you like me I mean I don't know but how do you know I mean you know what I mean so I don't know what to say should I say something...' And of course it's consensual and not some weird one way thing) is to kiss her. Always. Again, consensual. Consent is always, ALWAYS required.

Cats are amazing. Period.

All animals are wonderful. 

I don't understand the buzz around that Netflix thing 'making a murderer'. I watched up until the part where they talked about how he killed a cat. Tortured it. He's guilty as far as I'm concerned. I heard enough. Fuck that guy. 

How anyone can take the life of absolutely anyone... Any person or animal... I'll never understand. It hurts my heart.

I can't even watch those ASPCA commercials. Breaks my fucking heart. 

To trail off above the above...

...it is my firm belief that every woman and child should know how to defend themselves. In every possible way, for every possible situation.

After I was almost kidnapped when I was little, my Mom put me in abduction-proof training. Escape and evasion for kids. If more children were put into those programs, we would see more children return home safe and sound. 

I extended and went beyond that as I got older, into self defense and different MMA stuff. Weapons training, licensing, all that stuff. Adult versions of the kid stuff. 

Every woman should know how and be able to defend themselves. Weapons, no weapons, hand to hand combat, escapes, evasions, everything. Shitty, but it's the world we live in at the moment. Dropping to prayer or into meditation won't stop a lunatic from shooting someone, or make a crazy psycho decide to change their crazy mind. 

When you're in a position where you've got to fight for your life, you better know how. 

God forbid that ever happens. Don't want it to, but everyone should be prepared. Men have a height/strength advantage against other men (and obviously women) that's automatic. Most the time, women have to resort to deadly measures when being attacked because they can't go against the man strength for strength. Muscle for muscle. So for example because an adult woman of generally 5 foot 5 and generally 140 lbs will have a difficult time getting a generally 6 foot 3 adult man at generally 260 lbs to get his hands off her neck, get him to stop strangling her... Unless she wants to die... Deadly force is required. 

Change that to a young woman of 5 foot 1 or less and generally 110 or less against (generally, usually) an adult man of generally 5 foot 10 and generally 160 or more. Kicking and screaming won't help. Deadly force is required if she wants to survive. 

So... Every single woman and child should know how to protect themselves. All kinds of ways. 

I have ate an entire bag of cool ranch Doritos. Just now. 

I really like the normal cheesy Doritos dipped in sour cream. Good times.

My feet are fucking freezing. They're always freezing. So are my hands. My Mom is convinced I don't bleed normal blood. She sings that stupid 'cold as ice' song to me every time she touches my hand. 

But I'm the one she would always go to when a wild hot flash appeared. 

All my friends that have hot flashes come to me for that actually, haha.

My view count and subscribers are slowly rising every day on my YouTube. Which is good. Slowly but surely. Positive attitude and speech, all that. Keeping up my positive affirmations. 

I can't wait to have babies. Not on a clock (I know/been told several times my uterus is virtually timeless aka I can have babies late in life - fun fact - Lucy didn't have kids till 39/40) but it'll be fun. I'll have amazing little baby psychics that are super loud and crazy and fun. Can't wait.

Plus they're gorgeous. My kiddos. 

I want to be BFF's with Garcia (Criminal Minds). We would totally be two groovy peas in a far out pod. She's got the very best car ever, too, so... It's meant to be. Our fictional union.

Just cast me in an episode, please. Are they still on the air? I know the elitist protocol isn't to take chances on people anymore (somehow having an agent makes people different somehow, like without one their skill set they'd audition with is different) the 'take chances' died with the studio system. But... It was my Grandma's favorite show. 

That one show 'Suits' I believe it was asked me to come in for an audition and wanted all kinds of headshots and everything. The very last question from the offices was like, "Oh, wait... Are you SAG? Totally forgot to ask." 

I said, in the most professional way, "Not at the moment, but I'll do my own paperwork if you want." 

Never heard another word from them.

How do you go that far for someone only to then have it determined by SAG card? I know several people (men and women) who sucked dicks behind sets and trailers when the major films were in Michigan to get enough vouchers to get a SAG card. 

Sorry. I wasn't about to do that. 

When Detroit 187 was here I had like 10 auditions for that show. A solid 5 was for a baby role and then bigger and bigger and they didn't pick me. The others were for huge roles on the episodes. 

How did I get those auditions? 

Agent wasn't sending me on shit (I didn't go to the parties, didn't bring him cases of beer or hang with him alone after hours like other people did) so I scoured the casting department and found the heads on Facebook and sent them messages. 

They messaged me back and forth before calling me in. They didn't care about SAG or agents. That team was really the right way type of people. They were the real deal. I didn't get the job because I wasn't what they wanted, whatever else. Not because of politics or sexual favors not being done.

They were legit. Bravo 187 team! 

(Oh, and everyone I dealt with from the entire casting team to producers and executives and more were all women. Most a little older than I was at the time.) 

Hah. 

Well, that and 'The Lake Effect'. With some Panabaker girl and Tara was the director. Tara was really cool. It ended up as me or the Panabaker girl after rounds of auditions up for the lead female part. She got it, of course, but Tara told me that I would have gotten it had I looked younger. 

Boobs. can't hide those. Especially with a plastic belly. 

Tara asked me to do an under 5 in place of it which was super sweet. Was the first 'big deal role' I had. She even emailed me personally to explain why my part ended up getting cut from the film, and to reassure me that I would still be in the credits and on IMDb. 

The scene I did have was with that girl. She was very nice, super sweet. We laughed and joked around. Everyone, the whole crew and everything was really cool. 

Asked for the clip for my reel and never heard anything else.

That's okay! They were still nice and the experience was positive. 

So, two jobs were good. 

Well, one job one potential job.

I had it suggested to me to go do theater in NY, but... I hate big cities, and just... No. That's not me. For fun? Yes. To chase it? No. It's a stepping stone, yes. I'd be good at it, yes. But that's too pointless for me. I need something meaningful, that makes my heart sing. Not something boring because it's just 'what I have to do to get somewhere else'. I've done theater before, and it was always with friends. Or for friends.

David Mamet's 'Edmond' was fun. Did that play.

The industry really is big enough for everyone. Really, everyone. 

Money has just clouded most people's minds and actions. People who once had good hearts are now numb zombies who live (sleep) and love (pretend) behind walls of confusion, conformity, and marketing. Their lives aren't real lives... They're a product. And everything around them reflects that. 

Serious shame. 

These days people (majority) get 'in' by being related to someone, living somewhere special forever, dating someone related to someone or something that can help you, sexual favors, blackmail, and in the sliver of 'holy shit good for you' that makes up 0.0000000000000000000001% of the pie chart is the "right way"... Agents, auditions and luck. 

I ever mention the beautiful woman who I met in CA that actually was related to family in the business and actually did have a solid way in but sat and cried to me about how she couldn't get shit because she wouldn't sleep with anyone? 

It exists. And it's bullshit.

I'm just the type of person who can't sit and know shit is happening that no one is fixing. Bad shit. Wrong shit. I couldn't do it in school, can't do it now. Never could. 

I left a major film set because of it once. The key makeup woman was the best part of that whole experience. The director was very soft and kind. But the majority of the A-list actors and the crew were horrible people. Absolutely horrible. 

I can't even respect anyone at all who just sits and watches that shit happen. Let's that go on. So as nice as some of those people were, director included... You're trash if you allow trash to treat people like trash. 

I'm happy where I am now. It's peaceful and serene. Mentally, physically, emotionally. No toxic people or situations in the name of a career or a job or whatever. No toxic environments. No one taking a percentage of me. No one telling me what to do or how to do it. Selling me or whatever. I can do it all myself for a higher purpose. 

I believe that everyone should help everyone achieve their goals. Their dreams. As soon as people don't care about that for others or for things like betterment of humanity... They're really lost. And probably a little sick, I think. 

Or, well... Just brainwashed. And asleep.

I'm sure I've spoken before here about how I sometimes sit and think about the life I could be living right now. Had I just done that and put up with this and ignored that and did that... God. I'd be miserable. 

I know I would either be dead, or numb to life. There's no way I could have been happy that way. No way. The way I was going. No way. 

The universe is wise. It knew better than I did. 

At least I got the warnings and messages and responded to them correctly. 

Thank God. 

Cats are amazing. 

All animals are amazing.

Did I already say that? 

Bored now. 

Gonna go make some tea, finish this episode of Criminal Minds, chat with some beautiful people on Tumblr, and go to bed.

Toodles. 

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Insomnia, sponsored by Mercury Retrograde.

Ya know, it's so nice to be able to attribute my insomnia to the moon and dead people stuff.

It's 6a. Can't sleep.

Just left the Mercury retrograde. Energy is wonky.

Once I had found out that the energy keeps lightworkers and sensitives/Empaths like myself awake, the ways it effects us... My life started making hella sense.

Wish more people out there believed and embraced that stuff. Would answer tons of questions about themselves and their lives too if they allowed the possibility that it would.

Really did for me. 

Even if I don't know a moon phase, I can't sleep and I'll look it up. Boom. Always something.

Or it's a dead person lingering around. As they always are.

Had some kind of dream last night. I'm pretty sure NyQuil doesn't help in dream recollection because I forgot it. Boo.

I think it was significant, and I think there was a Great Dane involved. The dog. And holy shit was it huge. 

I should do a video about my dreams. That's a fucking 10 parter right there. PS: If you haven't already, check my YouTube channel. New video up every Monday!

I can't sleep so I figured I'd blog. About what, not sure yet.

Been waging war against my seasonal depression like a true warrior. Doing excellent. Overloading myself on positive affirmations and calling all the angels and guides. 

It's funny how what Iyanla Vanzant said is so true. In our darkest moments, we throw faith and that spiritual stuff out the window. In the panic, we forget. We decide not to remember/believe.

Regardless how random my spiritual or 'medium-ish' events occur, I find myself quite often asking myself, "Yeah but am I sure?"

Especially in depression or upset. Is it real? Are there really guides and Angels? For real? 

I know what I've seen. I know the clarity in which I've heard people speak to me. Fully and completely awake. I know the people I've seen while I've been awake, or not. 

I have seen light beings, Angels, dead people of all types, good, bad, guides, relatives... Heard and felt things most don't... 

Yet, when times are tough, and I can't see or hear, and I can't force myself to (because that never works), I still find myself asking myself silently, "...am I sure it's there? They're there? Am I 400% sure?"

*sigh*

Interesting. 

Then I have to remind myself what Lucy told me so often, and part of the reason the first shadow dude I saw came to see me. Life is about learning. Independently. About your own soul and your own spirit and mind and heart deciding things and being able to overcome things. 

My 'gift' was a million times better and clearer before that dude showed up. He scared me so bad I closed so much of it off I still haven't gotten back. 

But it was two sided. Part of it was so I didn't attach myself to that world so desperately. So I didn't rely on spirit for everything.

And you know what? He was right.

If I had full 24/7 access to spirit. To Lucy or my Grandma or Angels.. I could see and hear and everything at top capacity... I would never, ever, do anything on my own. 

I would ALWAYS turn to them and ask questions. Always. I wouldn't make one fucking decision for myself. I know that. I wouldn't. 

And that's not the point of being human. Not at all.

I would forever be asking them what to do about everything, and going off them and their answers before I did anything. Ever. Probably, knowing me, from the clothes I wear to the exact words I put in an email. The topics I write or talk about... Fucking everything. 

Since the majority of my life is and always has been occupied by my burning desire for career based things, and the guides who come into your life are in your desired line of work... They don't give me slack. But I would be calling on them every second of every day. 

No, I don't have some secret co-dependent issue. I just want it bad. I want it now. And I want to do every single step correctly. And as it should be.

...& that's not life. That's not living. No lessons are learned there. That's rhe exact opposite of being human. The purpose of it all.

Makes me giggle.

But really. 

Sometimes I'll lay in bed and just... Wait. Create an empty space for someone to talk to me in. Clear my mind, blank. And just see if any conversation drops in.

That usually never ever works. It's only when I'm busy and thinking something else or not at all considering communication that someone decided to scream something random at me. 

I haven't clearly heard anything in awhile. This damn technology doesn't help. But... The bonus to this stuff is its networking and promotion now a days for folks like myself. It expands our ability to work, be seen, all that. 

Joy..? Joy, sure.

I don't like not knowing stuff. Not knowing where something is going or what's happening. I have a very hard time

Perfume. Really strong perfume just now. Think that's sissy.

...I have a really hard time in the moments between. Between the now and goal. Between work and the end result. 

Is there ever an end result? No. Not usually. Not until the 'end result' has been over for some time and you can look back and see it. Recognize in hindsight that it was, in fact, the end result.

But I'm always wondering what I should be doing. Should I do something differently? Should I move a new direction? 

Take her or leave her, Sylvia Browne is right about some stuff. Like how she said once, "You lose your purse and I'll help you find it in 10 mins. Me? It's gone."

I can read and figure out things for other people much easier and quicker than I can figure them for myself.

Mediums, professionals can't even really read themselves. It's some big block. And they're professionals! 

Le'sigh.

It's almost been a year since my last relapse I think, with self injury, so that's good. Bonus. 

Let me see how the rest of this seasonal depression pans out before I break out the party hats. Never know.

Not planning on it, but... Never know. 

Bedtime for now. I hope. 

Peace & Love to all, beautiful souls. 

Monday, January 25, 2016

It's mah birfday!

So, I've heard spirit comes out to play on birthdays. 

And holidays. And huge events. 

I pay attention to certain dates, but today I don't know why I'm paying more attention than I usually am. Or maybe I pay this much attention usually and forget?

I go to my parents house today and there's these photos laying on the table. Me and my Grandma, Grandpa, me and everyone that's passed away. 

"Hey, I found this box of photos last night. Thought you might want these."

Interesting.

Plus a picture of my great grandma that I had that dream about before. And yes, never seen her before, that was her. 

My Mom randomly started singing me Happy Birthday to the exact tone of Miss M's song to Kennedy. After, I said, "...Mr. President?"

She laughed, "I guess so."

"Where'd that rendition come from?"

My Mom stopped what she wants doing and seriously thought about it for a good 5 seconds before she said, "I don't know."

Well Hello, love.

I asked my Grandma for a sign, and I open my music player and the song 'Runaround Sue' we used to listen to came on first thing. Same person, same version. 

Wow. Hello signs. 

I'm missing Lucy (although I had a dream last night I don't completely remember), but she always hits the other two dates (her birth/death) so it's whatever. 

Got a couple more songs back to back from some of spirit I have seen once or twice but don't have any significant guide relationship with, which is nice. Very sweet of them. 

Had another sign from spirit a bit ago, then heard, "You didn't think I'd forget, did you? Happy Birthday, kiddo."

Fun friend.

Songs. Mostly songs today. 

Had another one from another spirit friend.

Fun. Good times. 

Today was a beautiful, relaxing day. 

Blessed to see another birthday when not too long ago I didn't (believe I would)/want to see any more of them.

Grandma is here. Smelling her everywhere. Hi Grandma!

Life is absolutely beautiful. If I could have any gift this year, it would be to make sure everyone could see the beauty of their existence. Truly. From the bottom of my heart.

Respect everyone. Treat others with the kindness and compassion you'd want to be shown to you at all times. Do a random act of kindness, tell everyone or tell no one (I don't believe in that whole 'don't tell people' unless you don't want to. I think that sharing with others sometimes inspires others to do the same. To do acts of kindness in whatever way themselves. So I don't subscribe to the belief that if you're sharing it you're somehow a slave to an ego or whatever. I believe it inspires others to be that kind to others, also. So, share if you want or don't. Whichever.)

Happy Birthday to me. 

Peace to you, beautiful souls. 

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Sinus infections are fun.

Guess whose birthday is tomorrow?

Mine.

Guess who has a sinus infection that's turning into an ear infection and already in my chest?

Me.

Guess who wants to be bff's with Gideon on Criminal Minds? 

Me.

Guess who still thinks Dr. Reid is still the cutest? (Insert Mandy Moore's song 'Crush', with little hearts and sparkles like I'm a 7th grader swooning over a boy band)

Me.

(Funny enough, I never gave one shit about any boy bands. Spice Girls and girl power, but that was it. While everyone else in my peer group was drooling over random famous people, I always stood aside and never understood it. Still don't, honestly. But, point is, I skipped all that stuff that's supposed to be 'normal teenage girl stuff' and thought I was the normal one.)

Guess who would rrrreeeaalllllly love to be able to spend a day with the real BAU and watch them work?

Me.

Guess who is being slowly disturbed by all these episodes of Criminal Minds?

Me.

I mean how can anyone do these things to anyone? Most of these types of episodes from TV shows like this are based off a real cases. Makes me so... Sick. Sad. 

Plus my glorious past life where I was brutally murdered. But, you know, silly me. 

Guess who has a total inability to watch anything without first knowing the ending?

Me.

I usually watch shit backwards. For multiple reasons. If it's a TV show it's easier. If it's a movie, search the ending and ending scenes first. 

Don't always do that, but 9 times out of 10 I do. 

Blah.

I've already went through 3 boxes of Kleenex. 

As I watch this particularly fucked episode of Criminal Minds, I think about the amazing women and men of law enforcement that do this stuff for real. 

I couldn't imagine ever doing half the things those people do. 

I've had some friends who are cops and agents I've gotten to have lengthy talks with about some stuff. I couldn't imagine. God bless them (the good ones, of course).

Blah.

So. It's my birthday.

200's are some good years. 

Well, if the average life span, even low for back in the day, is say, 50... I'm well over 200 these days.

I've had over 17 past lives, only know of... So far... 7. 7? Am I missing any? 

So even average life span being 50 for each life... 350'ish. 

Not bad, eh? 

Well. Trauma aside.

Don't know how much those lessons have proved useful and somehow rolled over into every life, this one included, but... Eh.

A ponder. Worth a solid ponder.

So yeah. Birthday. 

Joy.

What comes after a bicentennial? 

I don't know that much.

Used'ta be on a trivia club. Got some stuff right every so often, mostly learned stuff from everyone else.

I feel like eating. Everything. 

Happens sometimes when I end my period. 

(By sometimes I mean all the time.)

Toodles!


Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Overdue babble?

I know it's been some time.

Or, well, feels like that anyways.

I've been so busy. Recording videos and editing and uploading. My computer isn't fantastic, it's old and shit but that's okay. It does what I need it to. Just takes quite awhile.

My birthday is coming up. Don't know why my birthday time always sucks... Just hard emotionally. Get depressed, hard to do stuff, so forth. 

The fact that it's January in Michigan doesn't help either. Been working midnights, so by the time I wake up it's dark. I mean, not much else for a couple months butcha know. 

Sucks, but... It's whatever. 

Like I've said a thousand times before - depression is baby shit compared to my best friends suicide. Nothing will ever be as painful as that.

So, this depression is just like an irritation. I deal with it, remember that it's just temporary bullshit, separate my soul from my body (in a way), and keep reminding my human body this is just some stupid environmental type bullshit.

Working on marketing for myself also. Not in the crazy way I use to for films and myself in a acting career way, but, more like a 'hey here's some new stuff, check it out if you want'. Making friends, building a safe community. Happiness and all that.

Still finding my ground as far as the YouTube series goes. My plans and all that. Not sure what's going on 200% with some other stuff. Trying not to plan 2 years into the future, lol. Trying to remain calm and not go crazy in my head because everything isn't happening the second I want it to.

I have a huge crush on Dr. Reid in Criminal Minds. Side note. I don't like the long hair (but I can deal because it's about the person inside), but he's beautiful. So smart and shit... I've always, always had a thing for guys like him.

And no, don't look at me and say that's not possible because of what I look like and shit. 

It's funny, because the big tough douchebag guys I can't stand love to single out girls like me and of course feel personally offended because we don't find their type attractive, then relentlessly make fun of/torment the guys like Reid because they're insecure of themselves now because the 'chick with all the makeup and the big tits likes the fag'. And it's got to be someone's fault, because they don't respect a woman and her choices, so they make it the other guys fault 9 out of 10 times. 

Because he doesn't fit their toxic masculinity mindset, and because women are objects to them, this guy has 'taken what's his' now it's really on. 

Fucking warped. Don't get it. 

For all the fucked up shit women have to deal with... Violence and murder and rape and horrible shit because crazy men view us as property and not human beings who feel and think and have opinions... I would not want to be a man. 

At least women are allowed to feel and cry and love and whatever with whoever for any reason. Marketed by the media, as always, to sell sex. Doesn't matter who we love or have sex with, they'll turn it around and sell it, but at least we can snuggle with our girls and hug them and love them and girls don't harass each other about it or anything. 

Doesn't mean anything unless we say so, our sisters don't hold us accountable for explaining shit, we're just allowed to live. 

Mainly because all women, feminist or not, understands the deep level of fuckery we deal with. So we support and empower each other. For the most part.

I was watching this dude play a video game the other day, it was a bunch of highschool aged kids. The guys got into a fight, and it was all about who's gay or a pussy because he hasn't fucked this girl yet or any girls there. I mean constantly for like 3 mins straight about "if you can't do it I will man" - "I'll be a real man" - "what's the matter with you faggot?!"

Really? Because a man respects a woman and values emotional and mental attachment above physical and sexual other men automatically say he's a faggot?

Oh. Wait.

Because feminism is called feminism because feminine aspects of men are the ones degraded and belittled. Gay or not, those are the reasons men belittle and bully and harass and even kill other men. 

Because they're feminine. 

And valuing any other connection to a woman other than her body and useless sex is a woman thing... Right?

Shame.

Let's be real, absolutely every person/place/thing has feminine and masculine energies/properties. Every man and woman has both male and female energies. The most centered, peaceful, together people have both energies balanced and working together. 

I mean personally, I am sure my masculine energy is more forward and prominent most of the time than my feminine energy. 

But at this point, knowing about energy and what it is and all that stuff, I can flip it around as much as I want. Whenever I want. 

That was a weird rant. Or, I guess, ponder. Ponder out loud, but a ponder.

I'm so glad the closest men to me in my life, Kyle and Jared, were like that Dr. Reid. Especially Jared. Jared even had the long hair too. Certified genius. Did acting and filmmaking, but... Genius. 

Always respected me. Treated me well. Both of them. I never dated either of them, but they opened doors and pulled out chairs. Asked me about me, and genuinely listened. Actually cared about what I wanted to say. Thought. Felt. Asked questions about the things I said. Gave insightful and helpful suggestions. Taught me things. Weren't afraid to cry. Didn't mind watching romance films, enjoyed them. All that. 

But, then again, both of them had been bullied all through school and even after by men who said they were gay and fags and shoved them into lockers and dos horrible things to them in front of people in school and shit. 

Just... I guess that's why I hate all that shit even more than normal people. Kyle told me about feminism before I ever identified as one. Jared did, Kyle did too. Kyle even bought a shirt that said, "Yes, I'm a man who loved 'The Notebook'."

We had a whole conversation that day about how much shit it is that men have to do the shit they do, and like... Just bullshit. That a man who likes that film has to be gay according to the men filled with toxic masculinity. Why can't they just be humans who like that movie?

Then they start thinking, like Kyle and Jared did briefly, "Well fuck... Am I gay? Everyone keeps saying I am, I must be."

Not that that would matter, but really? No one takes into consideration ever that side of that bullying. The psychology of being told something so often that you believe it.

I wasn't there for Jared in highschool, but I was for Kyle. He decided to explore it and see if it was what was up, and it wasn't. He came to the conclusion independently that he's a straight man who acts as a full human being. Not the robot that 'be a man' tries to make a man into.

Of course that discovery didn't come till after highschool.

Sad. It's just sad.

And Kyle and Jared fucking killed themselves. 

Why is the world the way it is?

From a rather otherworldly viewpoint... Beyond common sense and being a good human being... I don't get it. 

Any of it.

So, Dr. Reid is fantastic. 

But it's next to impossible for me to ever run into that type of guy. They're probably somewhere I'm not, or they'd never approach me. I have quite the resting bitch face, too. 

He is beautiful though. Dr. Reid. I do enjoy him. 

Hair is important to me, I don't know why, I prefer a buzz to be honest, & he's really skinny... But... It doesn't matter. He's still dreamy. Really. I would date and marry the shit out of that character. 

(& men have less attachment to their hair than women, so, I think I could talk that fictional character into cutting it for me.) 

(...except Kyle and Jared. They both cared more about their hair than I do about mine. Jared more so. He had more hair products than me, did more to his hair than me. It was comical.)

Just looked at the time. 4:44.

Angel numbers. Always wonderful.

I did a video for my channel with my friend jackies kids. It's cute. It'll be out in March. Very cute. Bring out that inner child, kiddos!

But I'm starving, as usual, so I'm gonna go eat. Yes, at 4:44. I eat when I'm hungry. Fuck your diets and beauty standards. 

My Grandma loved Criminal Minds. It was, like, her favorite show. So, I started watching a bit ago. Hence the new discovery or discussion of it. 

And my long lost twin is on it (Jennifer Love Hewitt). My Grandma would call me and tell me, "You're on TV!" 

I miss her. 

Okay. Food. 

Goodnight. XO

Go check out my YouTube! Like, subscribe, whatever! 

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Boss Ass Bitch

I saw a post on Instagram I believe it was the other day. Something about 'just trying to be a good girl in a world full of bad bitches'. And something else like, 'how to be an enlightened woman in a world full of 'boss ass bitches'.'

I find that funny.

I consider that phrase 'boss ass bitch' to be empowering and positive. It depends on each woman to mold it into a context or definition that works for them, but I find it to be very positive. 

The phrase, I'm assuming via common sense and how it's used (depending), was coined by women who are still working to turn the word 'bitch' from something negative to positive. For women to use positively and powerfully against men who use it negatively and in a degrading fashion.

I also assume the term was coined because men can walk around all day and be 'the boss' or 'a boss', and women are very rarely considered such. They're either dismissive accessories to a mans wealth and success, or someone who 'just works there' or 'with us'.

So as the dismissive attitude toward strong, powerful women became greater and greater, they stood up in groups (girl power) with some anger and attitude toward their dismissal and treatment (rightfully so) and powerfully proclaimed, "I'm a boss ass bitch." Or "I'm a bad bitch" or whatever. 

I find it, as I've said, empowering. 

In mainstream media it's used in regards to sex mostly. At least in songs and shit. But really, that's just an agenda the artist really isn't aware of or responsible for (especially if they don't write their own music, which few do these days). 

The box and agenda of the entertainment industry as a whole usually goes above and beyond everyone's heads who are the ones considered 'celebrities'. Other people living their lives, making their deals, writing their music, putting together their videos, submitting them for castings, making their schedules, etc.

So, the fault isn't always on them. They're just mouthpieces. 

Even if a woman does choose to use it in regards to sex... I mean hey, do you. I ain't mad at you. Selling it in mass quantities to young minds can and may be a different story. The personal opinion isn't the problem, the selling and marketing of it is. Can be.

And to be fair, sexualizing women is something so disgusting and overly done these days to women of all ages (below 18), I can totally understand - as a woman - women using the phrase within the description of sex and sexual things. More trying to take back power they've had taken away. Almost like, "wait, if that's all men talk about... I'm gonna talk about it. As a woman. In my way. Not you. Me."

If they have to be sexualized, and there's really no way around it (depending on what branch of the industry), they can at least have some power back by doing it themselves. 

To be graphic: let me talk about how good my pussy is. Let me talk about how great in bed I am. How good I can fuck. Not you. I'll do it. It's my body. 

It's not like completely degrading women sexually and fucking 3 women at a time and all kinds of shit toward women isn't talked about in almost every rap/hip-hop song these days. Doesn't help the media around the fact that that's 'just how men are' (which is complete bullshit and only empowers rape culture). 

But... Everyone flips out when women talk about it? 

If you listen and really pay attention to most of it, it's basically women saying, "Okay, this is how you wanna do us? Treat us and shit? You wanna be like this? Okay. It's coming right back at you."

Interesting...

...and I'll add powerful phrasing. 

So, I love the phrase. I find it empowering. 

God damn right I'm a boss ass bitch. 

I can run a fucking company. I can make my own god damn decisions. I can say what I feel, do what I want, and live MY way. I can make the millions. I can make the deals. I can do everything any rich, white, 40-something male CEO can and way, way more. And make it positive and uplifting. 

It's a very modern, very 'hip' and 'urban' way for women and girls to say, "Anything you say I can't do, I can do a million times better than you. Just watch."

And truthfully, I should hope every other young woman out there embraces her inner boss ass bitch, too. 

XO

Because I can't leave this post without adding this:

...& what are her very first lines?

"I employ these n****s..."

Thursday, January 7, 2016

The Magic Of...!

It's officially live!

My new YouTube series where I discuss some inspiring topic or quote with a friend or whoever wants to talk to me. 

The point? Regardless what it is that's going on in your life, or what you're going through or feeling or whatever... There's magic in it. And magic is real. You just have to take responsibility and create it.

You're the alchemist of your own life. Everyone is. You build your life and circumstances with your thoughts and actions. Make sure they're all in positivity and love. Only you can control that.

I hope with a more 'modern' and 'youthful' discussion of things and topics it will be seen as something that you don't have to pray or meditate every day to achieve. Those things help, but you don't have to be some expert yogi or enlightened master to find peace in yourself or your life. No matter what's going on.

I'm one loud mouthed, often sarcastic smartass who has a heart of gold and meditates, has crystals, practices positive thinking - affirmations & so forth, has a level 400 potty mouth, am equal parts lover and fighter, and listens to gangster rap after talking to my angels. I'm a multidimensional human being, originally and fully a light being, enjoying my human experience.

It took me a long fucking time to get where I am today. My suicide attempt and the suicide of my best friend and closest person after that - not to mention my sobriety and subsequent addictions - hasn't made my road an easy one, but I get suffering and struggle. And it's only via the things I'll be discussing every Monday with friends that I was able to overcome myself. 

Life doesn't happen to you, it happens for you. Jim Carrey was spot on when he said that. 

My life is a beautiful gift, and if I hadn't discovered and forced this positive stuff upon myself beginning at 16 - I don't think I'd be alive today. 10 years ago, that was the worst time of my life. 

Today, I am truly happy and in love with my life. I have a peace in my soul I would have never ever believed had I been told it was possible. 

There is something to it. It's key, really.

I aspire to inspire. That's a big goal in my life. For everyone. 

Live. Love. And enjoy the magic that you are, that your life is.

Make it wonderful. Make it positive. 

Remember: you're the alchemist. 

XO

The Intro is up!

New episode every Monday:

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Two things... Three?

Two things:

1) Pretty sure I found out where I died on that 'Riverboat Prostitute' past life.

2) There's a building I saw on a history show that really spoke to me, and a ton of woman died in some fire.

Yes, yes I was a prostitute in a past life. Don't judge me. 

And if the historical documentation I found is correct (it whispered sweet nothings in my soul), then I BLEW UP ON THE FUCKING BOAT!

I'm like, "Yep. This sounds tragic. Bet it was me. Happened in April didn't it?"

Yep. April 17 or 18 something. 
(Names tell a LOT about past lives, FYI. They're hints or clues and shit.)

Either the shit overheated and blew up, or - as they speculated on the show - some asshole put a bomb that looked like coal into the thing and the dude working shoveled it in.

Died on two fucking boats, man. Two. No wonder I have never ever never ever ever wanted to ever go on any big boat or cruise of any kind.

Even before I knew anything about past lives (as I've said in blogs before - fears tell a lot about past lives), I despised and deeply feared cruise liners or big boats. 

Even small tourist type boating rides, I stay right by the nearest exit and/or will wear a fucking life jacket the whole damn time. Always have.

Twice. Damn. I've been through some shit man. 

Was blown up on a boat, drown on the Titanic, and was murdered. 

Fuck.

No wonder I've always had problems, LOL!

Seriously tho. That's fucked up.

And possibly died on the horrible fire in New York back in the day with tons and tons of women. Some textiles shop thing.

Damn.

Something new every day, I tell ya.

Kyles Mom and her niece attempted to set me up with one of Kyle's cousins.

Again, I'm blessed to know right away yes or no. And it's a no, but Kyle's Mom says, "Well, I told him about how you do the dead people stuff, and he was like 'Okay... So?' He wasn't bothered or phased by it!"

... I should hope not, lol.

Good man for that reaction, but, like, I wonder how deep that went. "Well, before we set this up, know she's crazy."

"What?"

"She sees and hears dead people sometimes. So... Consider that."

"That's fine."

*dramatic shrug, & shake of head*

Like, really? Interesting, haha.

But I told her I said, "I just know who it is. I don't know but I know, and I know it's not him." 

"It's okay, I understand. I get it, yeah."

She's always been cool about that. Like I can just see someone for 5 mins and not even speak to them and know what's up. Or a photo or whatever. 

My energy sensing and stuff has always been the absolute best working gift I have. 

Intriguing. 

I know he's in the film industry, like myself, only I've been told he's actually 'somebody' who has done a bunch of stuff. That I've been told and I can just feel it. Guess I'll find the rest out later!

So yeah, not him.

And when I was having dinner with my professional medium friend (who is graciously willing to do some videos with me for my channel about mediumship and dead people stuff) she said out of the blue, "You and your boyfriend will end up making projects together. Films and stuff. Writing and doing it on your own. I don't know where that came from."

And I'm like, "I already figured that."

We laughed.

That's what I do, that's apparently what he's always done and known for much more so than me. Makes sense! 

That and who doesn't like enjoying their work and creating art and stuff with the person they love who shares their passions?

Crazy people. That's who.

So, yeah. 

That all.

Thoughts I felt compelled to document. 

& I am currently listening to spirit walk all over my house. Interesting the things you hear when you figure out how to listen between, over and under a generic 'room tone' (film people, ya feel me?). 

Back to work.

XO



Sunday, January 3, 2016

Energy Overload

I don't know why, but I've been on a fucking energy overload lately.

Well I kind of know why. All the work and new year energy plus that new moon. Oh the joys of being sensitive!

Literally any noise for an extended period of time makes me feel sick. I'm low-key worried I have an ulcer. I'm going to stop drinking coffee just in case.

Positive affirmation time! 

(When isn't it positive affirmation time?)

I love how Sylvia Brown said in a Hay House mediation for the New Year, "...command your cells to be healed..."

Awesome. Powerful.

But really.

Lots of people I know think I have it all together. I don't. I was just raised like a man in a woman's body, so, I'm super quiet about it all.

That 'don't cry' - 'do something then' - 'talk shit get hit' type of 'bro' mentality was forced upon me. Really at the fault of my grandparents, because if my parents weren't raised with/allowing that crap, it wouldn't have happened to me.

Anyway... Positive.

My computer took a knee and I finally uploaded a good month worth of videos on my YouTube. One every Monday for now. I have an extensive plan that I'm slightly anxious/nervous about getting done. Seems like lots and lots crammed in together. But, I'm pretty confident with my new team. Lots of heads together and myself and the dude working with us do the same amount of crap. Edit ourselves and shoot ourselves and write ourselves. So, makes me feel more secure in it all with the ability to have virtually two of me, lol. Kind of.

Is that weird? No. Very cool to not take on the entire workload of 8 people myself anymore.

Especially making films and entertainment of any kind. Really, most people - especially the 'celebrity' types - have no idea how difficult and really trying it all is. Doing every single aspect of it yourself. As one person. And just finding amazing souls along the way who will assist and guide and join you.

Very wonderful year for me, 2015 was.

I have been seeing 26 FUCKING EVERYWHERE. Realized today were in 2016

As shitty as a lot of things felt... Being let down and taken for spins by people I trusted. Feeling betrayed and lied to... I learned SO MUCH in those moments. I learned more deeply about film and aspects of production, and I also learned more about myself. 

It really was wonderful.

I truly believe it was preparing me for 2016. In one way or another.

I just looked, and it's 4:44a right now. Angel numbers folks already know what that means.

Just a wonderful feeling today. Still learning and perfecting things on YouTube, but Lucy is especially excited for it so that has to mean something good right?

Duh. Of course it does. 

I'm really blessed in my life. Excited. 

I'm finally at a place to just have fun and see what happens. 

Not try to obsessively brand and market and control a career. Just letting go, having fun, doing what I want when I want and giving it to the world. 

...that fucking perfume is back...

That's another thing I've realized.

With this energy overload, I'm officially dropping all need or desire to 'enhance' or 'clarify' my mediumship abilities. Whatever fucking level they're at now (which isn't professional), I've been told time and time again that it's going to develop on its own and I keep going against that because I'm impatient and need to know NOW!

But...

...I've also been told countless times that mediumship isn't what people think it is, and I'm seeing that more and more. 

It's very much a 'be careful what you wish for' thing unless you were born with it and had it since day 1.

In short, mediums and sensitives are more likely to develop illnesses of every kind. Organ illness and mental illness, because energy does move through you from other people. 

Just imagine all the energy you can absorb and take on from a hospital? Group of mentally ill people? At a abandoned jail or some shit?

And then you're like, "My god, my stomach is fucking killing me. It hurts so bad."

That's real pain you can feel.

You might not even know why, but oh gee someone was poisoned there or some shit you know? Now you get to have your body take that on.

I've read many places that most mediums live short lives for that very reason. There's some that don't, but super energy sensitive people usually - sadly - do.

Unless you're like a level 10,000 white light being and radiant soul and healer for yourself... You're in for some shit.

So, I know this ulcer feeling is part of that.

I was at a friends the other night hanging out with her and her kids, and people started coming over for the New Years Eve bash, and I had to go anyways and work on videos, but, I had to go.

It's so hard being in groups of people these days. Like everyone's energy and emotions are there and it's almost like I can taste them. And as a human, I can't change the other person or anything. Or discuss it. Or say, "Hey, could you white light yourself please?" 

I find myself very frequently not being able to breathe. Or think. 

It's like I have to run and escape the people (get my head above water) so I can feel normal (breathe) again. Be in my own fucking body again, not everyone else's. 

It really does feel like shit is sitting on your chest. 

And I'm forever forgetting to white light my damn self and put my own bubble or flame up.

*sigh*

It's so much work.

If I ignore it, it will not go away. But at least it will subside for awhile.

Just random thoughts. 

Be ready. Monday's. My YouTube. It's on.

Goodnight. 

XO

Saturday, January 2, 2016

Howling. Editing. Perfume.

Howling. 

Fucking screeching howling the other night around, like, 4a.

I was still awake. 
#TeamNoSleep

It was so intense I got out of bed fucking running. Thinking it was one of my cats in trouble or hurt or something.

Booked it, bro. I'm telling you. Panicking. Almost in tears.

Then I felt this weird wave of energy, and someone whisper, "No."

Like, 'No, it's not your cats' and at the same time 'No, stop, please'. 

It was all just dead people shit.

My cats were actually, despite my running, sound asleep.

Go figure. 

I tried to go to bed, had some weird image of some kid with candles and some questionable lady that lives across the street from that family and has a very weird (wouldn't say innapropriate just weird) fixation on the kid.

Someone (spirit) tried to talk to me and I just heard, "*sigh* I'll come back later." And a door close. Over top of the visuals of the girl and the candles.

Seen two flashes of weird eyes. Peoples eyes, and they're not good people. 

I really hope I would remember them.

In other news:

Spent 10 hours fucking exporting media today only to have it for some reason be a file format not supported by QuickTime (still mp4's)...? Very puzzling.

My computer isn't fantastic, so I had to shut it off when I got a memory warning and something about my battery half way thru my last attempt. I shall resume tomorrow! Video before it worked just fine. I don't understand.

Didn't change settings or anything. Still H.267 or 297 or whatever, highest bitrate. Whatever the presets are for that. 

I called Steve Jobs to come help me via spirit. 

Yes. By attempt 3 I remembered that asking for help extends to people outside my circle, lol. Believe it or not (you probably won't), my computer was stuck in 'Not Responding' until I made my plea.

No such thing as coincidences!

Now, it's 8a and I'm finally going to sleep. Joy! 

Tomorrow, I try again. 

It's okay. Everything happens for a reason! No worries. 

...better not be any fucking worries, I have like 20 more videos to export and upload... 

Happy thoughts! 

I am currently smelling a perfume I've never smelt before. New spirit. A younger woman, I gather. Maybe someone's mom? Aunt? A woman who protected and looked out for others. Maybe late twenties-mid thirties. I feel like the 50s or 60s applies but I'm not sure. Button earrings, right away. Not huge but buttons. Maybe flipped out brown hair? Not sure. Whatever, that was just a quick read on the energy. I'll try again when I'm more awake. Nice person.

Anywhoozles...

I bid you farewell, my friends. 

XO