Sunday, February 28, 2016

All The Things!

They're coming back around. 

Met my friends guide the other night. Ish. Started smelling and tasting alcohol. Interesting. 

Was laying down trying to sleep and heard a man say, "Um, excuse me..."

Took me a second to realize someone was talking to me. 

I answered him and said, "Yes?" Then it went away. As usual. I really tried not to wake up all the way or focus too hard. Maybe I need to start answering them out loud and not in my head? 

His voice didn't sound familiar. 

The night before, I heard some guy say, "Hey Frank."

I didn't put anything together or had any real conscious thoughts, but today I thought... Were you talking to Frank... Sinatra?! 

<insert some love ballad and us running across a field of flowers into each other's arms>

God that man was beautiful. Young, old, his whole life. Consistently an amazingly gorgeous man.

Such a shame that I didn't find out my Grandpa knew him until it was too late.

As in, Frank was dead.

I had a great talk with my friend Wendy, who is a medium, and we're going to be doing a beautiful video for my series. I am so excited about it! I really, really can't wait for you all to see that. It'll be airing on my YouTube sometime in May.


If I didn't have Wendy in my life, I don't know what I would do. Really. 

We talked today about how not that many people are clairaudient, and how that's something pretty cool that I can do. Or, have. But as always, to not go chase this stuff. 

You never know.

But that discussion will be on my videos with her. I have a feeling it'll be quite the series of episodes with her. 


I was watching a video of giraffes that said goodbye to a terminally ill cancer patient who use to work at that zoo and take care of them. He asked to be taken to their enclosure and they came up and kissed and nuzzled him - they said goodbye. 

I cried. I cried like a baby. I posted it on my Instagram.

It got me thinking... I have a different experience, if you will, with death than most. 

I've had the blessing of communicating with the dead. I've gotten to see and speak with every person that's been close to me that has died. 

I've seen them, I've spoken to them. Animals and humans.

It's odd that as a human it still hurts. It's still sad.

Knowing they're not gone forever... But they're gone from this form... Still sucks. 

Why? That's such a human thing. I mean I am human after all.

The fact that I still am angry and mourn the lives I've led. How wrong my deaths were (in most cases). It's just all very interesting. 

They're gone, but not forever. They may come back, they may not, but their spirit is always here. Always around. 

That's one thing Ghost Whisperer doesn't share. She crosses them and they're gone. That's not true at all. They can still come back any time they wish, as often as they wish. 

Not everyone can communicate and see, of course... But I can't believe people don't have experienced. Signs and messages from their loved ones.

I think it's in a smell they brush off, a song they explain away, a dream they may remember and explain away or one they may not remember, a bird or flower or friend saying something... And everyone excuses it away as a 'coincidence'. But they send signs, they have their own ways of saying 'Hey'. 

It's funny that human nature tells us that it just 'can't be' and 'isn't possible' when they're buildings and religions built around dead people. That people go and talk to them and pray and read their books and stuff. That the common knowledge is they're out there in spirit and they will help and guide... But that's only okay if it's in a religious context. 

God is real. Someone can say they saw God or spoke to God and it's a wonderful thing. But if someone was to say they saw some dude who died last week that lived down the street... Holy moly. Not okay suddenly?

The Holy Spirit is apparently the only spirit friend one is allowed to have. Otherwise, you're crazy and mental and need medicine or to be locked away or exercised by a priest. 

Don't get it.

It's all very interesting. 

Oh humans. You silly bunch, you. 

It's even more hilarious how those types of people are only going by the group thoughts. They're saying those things or believing those things because it was told to them. Someone told them to believe and think those ways. They didn't necessarily come to those conclusions 300% independently. 


In unrelated news... 

... I love learning, and often times I find one YouTube video on documentary type things. Then, an hour later, I'm on some weird video and have no idea how I got there.

I like watching 'Hollywood secrets' and 'untold stories', 'insider secrets' and such. Mainly because that's the road females walk who share stories of the casting couch. How real and horrible it is. 

Having experienced lots of that myself (there's a YouTube video I did about my experiences), it's always refreshing to hear or see someone else's story that in some way reflects mine. 

A very 'I'm not alone' feeling. 

There's thousands of people in positions of power who don't want us to speak, and don't want it to be known (why the documentary 'An Open Secret' can't get played or picked up, why 'Girl 27' was taken off Netflix, why Rose McGowan was fired from her agent, why Kevin Smith spoke about shit at Sundance 2011 and couldn't get any work after). 

Is it upsetting that more people in power don't do something to help us? To change the horrible practices? Yeah. 

But... Could they? 

They have much more to lose. Depending on perception I guess. 


There's so much shit... It's just... You wouldn't even believe. 

Most of the people in positions of fame and such are so... I mean I've spoke of it before. They don't live their own lives anymore. Isolation comes with secluded problems, and industry control. To whatever degree, in whatever direction. 

Do I believe in the illuminati? Not necessarily. Do I believe in satanic rituals and multiple personalities? Not really. Do I believe most of the people are controlled and there's signals handlers and agents give and shit? Eh. Ish. Not really. 

I can only ever speak and give voice to what I've personally experienced. And all of it relates to sex being required to get anywhere. 

It's refreshing, because the other night I got to speak with a screenwriter by way of a friends company I've been asked to help guide them on brand building and marketing with. She is a WGA eligible writer who had some insane fucking stories to share with me. 

We had a phone conference to which she opened with, "Can I start by saying how amazing it is to be working with women?"

She then shared with me HORRIFYING stories of what she was asked/told was required to get her work out there. From people that are so big it would shock people, down to the network folks and so forth. 

That shit is real. That's the only thing I've experienced and seen, heard about and overheard. 


But this video I found in the YouTube black hole is pretty interesting. Again, it's just interesting. Some of it I can get with, some is a little far fetched for me. 

But, then again, I'm pretty solid when it comes to the red flag shit. I don't stick around when I'm pretty sure things will get worse for my soul. I also don't fuck with people who seem to be living in a cloud. I also, biggest one, don't give anyone the keys to my life - my decisions - my happiness. Ever. 

No fucking way. 

So, I may have just skated before I saw any more into the fuckery I had already seen. Believe me, I had seen enough. 

So, sharing this video. 

Regardless, it's... Interesting. Worth a watch. Even just for fun. 

'Hollywood Insider Tells All'

One thing I can speak to, not from my personally but a friend... A friend of mine was working some voulenteer stuff for some type of gay rights organization. 

I got a phone call and she was hysterical. Crying and freaking out. 

She said all night there were people grabbing her ass and her boobs, getting too close, pushing her into other people who were groping her. Back stage or something there was some weird orgy thing going on. 

She said they asked her about 50 times if she was gay. She's not. She's just a straight young woman who wanted to help and felt passionate about advocating for the rights of others. 

She was told, every time, when she said she wasn't gay, she was told, "Oh honey, you will be." OR, "You might want to rethink that."

Before she left she cursed some group of women out who wouldn't stop touching her, and told a bunch of men who kept questioning some other straight man there and pressuring him to leave that dude alone. 

She said she was so traumatized, she'll never go back. 

I was shocked, to say the least. 

Was I there? No. But, I'll take her word for it since she was kind of hard ass and not much phased her. 

Not one single gay male friend of mine participates in any gay rights stuff. Ever. I've asked before and I never get an answer. The closest thing to an answer I got was from a transgender friend of mine who said, "I'm not in the business of converting anyone." Nothing more was said.

Am I gay? No. So I probably shouldn't even be talking because I don't know that community or the things that go on. Just sharing what I've heard. Relates to a portion of the video. 

& it's interesting how the woman from the video says 'gay MALES'. I've always found it interesting on a personal and psychological level how women are pretty free sexually, but men aren't. 

Yes, we're free to be free because we are marketed and seen as sex machines to sell sex in any way, shape and form. So sure, we have to be 'allowed' to do whatever we want. Gay one year, straight the next. Then gay again. Then marry a man. Or a woman. Then maybe a man. Then a woman. Whatever. Doesn't matter. 

Ellen DeGeneres (spelling?) dated a woman who now dates men. Lindsay Lohan dated a girl, and the whole time all men kept saying was, "when are you coming back to men?"

Men? You're one or the other. Pick one. In reality, there have been gay men who have later been with a woman. It happens. It's just never seen or spoken of.

Wonder why. 

Not that it's all the time. Not that it's common. But it happens. People get touchy when you speak on that stuff, but I don't get it. If you love who you love and it suddenly doesn't fall into a definition anymore of what you once thought, gay or straight, who gives a shit? Love should be totally open and free, and you should be with who makes you happy right? 

They covered it in 'Glee'. Some gay kid started having feelings for some girl on the show, read about it on tumblr actually under a discussion about this same thing. Women's sexual freedom and 'love allowance' vs a mans. 

There was also something on Instagram on an LGBT Feminism account that said, "Straight person falls for person of same sex? Fine. Gay person falls for someone of opposite sex? Fine. Bisexual person has preference for opposite gender? Fine. (They listed a ton more...) What is NOT fine is telling someone how to love."

Interesting shit. 

The woman from the video even tells about the casting couch shit. Which, that's really the only thing I've experienced first hand. As I say often, haha. 

I will second what that woman said... The good experiences I've had auditioning and just in general in Hollywood one-on-one were either with gay men, or straight women. 

Neither wanted to sleep with me. 

Or, the occasional friend of friend who had kids my age and was pretty much told not to fuck with me by their personal friend. So I wasn't some 'random woman' in their eyes. 

How she talks about cast members sleeping with everybody... Oh boy, I've seen that on film sets. Parties, drinking, going out, sleeping with everyone. That's why my ass stays the fuck to myself.

I remember the first big film I did, I was shadowing (along with acting, because I always aimed to know all the things) a UPM (unit production manager). She was going into some kind of kit in a trailer, and I saw all kinds of pills and pregnancy tests. 

I asked what they were for. Stupid little me, all green and shit. 

She said, "Plan B pills and pregnancy tests."

To which I said, "What for?" 

She gave me a look. Just a silence, and a look. And walked off. 

The next several weeks of shooting, I saw why. And I was disgusted. 

& she is so right about being stable in yourself, that gives you so much power. To turn things down and so forth. To stay away from that shit. 

Regardless my abuse and horrible past, family and otherwise, I am a strong woman. I wouldn't ever cave. Ever. That serves you there. But, costs you lots of jobs. Most of the jobs. 

Oh, how she says, "Agents basically operated as a madam..." Oh. Girl. Preach! 

I can't tell you how many times (toward the end, when I was sick of it all and fed up) I've cursed an agent or casting director the fuck out. Up, down, and around the corner. Probably sent them home in tears. My Italian ass can only be pushed so far. I am not, nor have I ever been a fucking whore. Prostitute. 

You've got to be out of your god damn mind to ever assume I am, or solicit me like I am. Nice try bitch. Don't want anything that bad. Fuck you.

I've also had some brushes with celebrities and weird inner circle type things... It was fucking weird. Nine out of ten times it was just... Odd. Fucking odd.

I echo her statement about thinking one day she would find some big role that didn't require sex or something. But she never did. You're not alone girl. 

Any aspiring actresses, young women out there, that is why I talk about it. Because knowledge is power. And don't EVER let anyone play you like that. It's sad, it's horrifying, and it's wrong. Point blank, period. 

It's not okay that it goes on and no one ends the cycle. We need to create a generation of actors and producers and shit who say no to that shit. Who call people out who do that shit and end this horrible cycle of the casting couch being the way. 

That's all I'll comment, haha, I'm done. Random discussion. 

It's these stories in volumes that can't be denied. Just... Craziness. 

It's at this time I would like to thank my spirit guides and God and everyone for making sure I didn't go down any of those paths. And to thank myself for listening to my gut and intuition and keeping my soul safe. First and foremost.

I am so, so thankful I got the fuck out when I did. So thankful. 

We really do need to change the way it all is. It's not okay. It needs to stop. Hopefully, some day soon, it will. 

I'd like to see the industry's standards and practices change in my lifetime but... We'll see. 

And I mean even Roseanne has came out and said a lot of things regarding tons of issues. 

One video below:

I have a hard time not believing her. She's Roseanne, and she gives no fucks. One of the many reasons I love her. 

She's funny, too. 

Anyways, this was random as shit. 

Enjoy the randomness! 

Peace and Love, friends. 

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

A Midnight Pee.

The other night, I'm peeing. 

It's was exactly 5:55a (I may have gotten up to pee or I may have still been awake watching Chelsea Handler's Netflix documentary. Whatever. Don't judge me.) I remember because I checked my phone right when I went back to my room.

All dark, silent. Kittens sound asleep on my bed. 

As I'm peeing, I can look up into my mirror and into my room. I look up, and with every fiber of my being I felt someone looking back at me. 

I faintly got the blueish outline in my mind, and I felt them really trying to manifest for me. 

I mean... They really, really tried. 

I said out loud, "Oh no. April doesn't do the seeing; not past sundown anyways." I was really scared they'd just be there in the mirror when I looked. 

Homie almost broke one of my rules. 

What are April's rules for the spirit world?

1- Nothing negative, ever.
2- Angels guarding my 'spiritual doors' at all times. 
* If anyone or anything slips in, JJ gets it. 
3- No apparitions after sundown. Only show yourself if it's daytime. 
4- No yelling at me in public places.
5- Guides need to go through Lucy and JJ first. 
6- If you have a sign for me, be forceful and direct (& insanely repetitive if need be) or I'll miss it. 
7- I don't deal with or solve murders, so please don't show me yours unless it's relevant to me or I ask. 

That's the basics. 

It's not fun seeing other peoples murders, tell you what. I've had that happen on random occasions with random spirits. Happened more when this shit first started. 

But again, since I'm not a professional, that's often sometimes the only thing I get. Nothing ever enough to say make sense of or build anything from. Just random fucking shit. 

Like in a dream once I saw a barn, dude said, "I'm over there" and pointed. Uhm... Who? Who are you? Where are we? What the fuck?

Little bits and pieces. All useless.

That, and I'm not some fucking supernatural Olivia Benson. Ha. 

Seriously, can Jim Clancey and Angel from Buffy merge into one person - become a real human being, not fictional TV people - and marry me? 

240-something is a perfect age for me, or whatever the age would end up being, and dead or undead it really doesn't matter. 

That would really be the epic hybrid person for me. Yes, universe, that is my tall order. 

It shall happen! Don't ever settle, folks. Ever. 

(I mean David Boreanaz is beautiful and everything, but if we could somehow in this fantasy 'build a human' world, give this hybrid person Jim's eyes... I wouldn't be mad at it. Not one bit. Can we add some of Dr. Reid from Criminal Minds into my hybrid husband? This could be fun... But that would hands down be it. No more fictional people added to my real human.)

...I'm on odd bird. 

"If you're a bird, I'm a bird."

Fucking 'Notebook'.

That was one good movie though. So is 'Winters Tale'. 

Been filming all day today. So, there's that. Working with a new production company that asked me to help produce and market for them. Give them a solid direction and brand, help them work toward it and I guess PR it. 

I don't know all the 'official jargon', but I do what I want. If it works, and one knows how to work it, it'll work. Regardless what it's called or how it's done. 

Amateurs built the arc. Professionals built the Titanic. Look how that turned out. 

I love jumping into shit. When you don't know 'the way', you do what you do off instinct. There isn't a right or wrong in your head. You just learn as much as you can, talk to as many people, research and do it. You go head first, unafraid, with zero reservations or 'oh but this isn't done this way'. Nope. 

And that's how real success is built. 

Go off instinct, and pure passion. With zero second thoughts to who would judge or whatever. 

I have always had a weird urge to do some type of war movie with my husband. Boyfriend, whatever. Whenever we get together. Like he's a soldier and I don't know who I am but we make one of those movies and, obviously, act in it together. 

If he isn't an actor that's some tough shit because he's going to be. The kiddos will have an odd array of shit Mommy and Daddy made together and built together and were actually in together. 

If that isn't fucking teamwork I don't know what is. Dream team, son! 

Kiddos can't be in anything though. I may accept one of my infant children in a scene with one of us if an infant is called for, but... Nothing else. Not until they're 18 and make the decision for themselves. 

I've found as far as acting goes, regardless who it is - aspiring or just starting, whatever, it's nerves that fuck everything up. When you're with people you know and trust, and you don't give two flying fucks about how you're doing or what's even going on... You do so much better. Or feel like you do anyways. 

That's why I love working with friends and shit. So much more comfortable, and I'm never in any position where I have to hold my tongue or go out of my way to not say something about some fucked up shit. It's all safe. 


My YouTube is doing well. I've surrendered consistently, and it's working well. Slowly but surely.

Past lives shit creeps back up every so often, but I'm working hard on getting rid of that. 

I'm hungry, and bored. 

Food it is. 

Toodles, bitches. 

Useless Note: I don't like chick peas. They taste like sand wrapped in sand flavored tissue paper (or Kleenex) that have been soaking in sand flavored water. 

** Useless Note #2: I don't like olives. Any kind. Ewe. Same weird sand family as chick peas. Only, add vinegar and at least a month of therapy cuz they're even worse than the peas. 

*** Useless Note #3: Thought this would be about food again, huh? Wrong. Fact. I love cat breath. I really, really do. Cat breath is my favorite smell. 

**** Useless Note #4: If you have a sense for comedy and thought, "that'd be funny if next she was like 'Surprise! Another food one', we should be friends. But it's not. Not that I've said all that, I feel compelled to leave this one pretty pointless. 

Friday, February 19, 2016


It really is something else. 

Just... Wild.

There really isn't anything about 'otherworldly' experiences you can really explain. It's hard. 

But I realized today that I'm carrying more trauma and experiences and thoughts and feelings and shit from past lives than I am this one. 

I don't know if that's good or bad, but... It is what it is.

Regardless if the murder is me or her... The energy is mingling so close together I'm pretty certain I've - no, actually, I am 1,000% certain, for sure, that I've gotten to experience hints of torture and her/my actual death. Like, dying. Leaving the body.

This is when I always say to be careful what you wish for. I mean my God... Any other way to die, even Titanic wasn't this traumatic. 

Nothing like being awake for a good 6 days of torture before being cut to bits. 

God bless her. Her/me/whoever. God bless her. I can feel the upset. How scared she was. How she was all drugged up but awake for it all. I wouldn't wish that/this on anyone. 

It comes and goes. Randomly. I think the more I acknowledge it as a whole, generally, the more it comes in waves. But it's like I'm remembering. That, or she's giving me really close vibrational pieces of the events so closely I'm feeling like they're memories, not 'visions'.

Today I had the belt for my robe tied around my waist prett snug. Out of nowhere, I started having some weird panic attack. It had to come off and it had to come off that second. Like, I couldn't stand it. It freaked me the fuck out. With flashes of the body and just... Horrible. Absolutely horrible. 

I carry her anger. Her rage. Pure rage, rightfully so. I am dealing with her/my fear and reluctance to lots of things. Me or her, it answers a lot of questions about April. 

All of the lifetimes. None having as much an impact as that one/hers. And regardless that I saw her in spirit that once, I don't feel like I can grab her anywhere. Like, she's not out there in spirit. 

Means she's somewhere here. Me? Still questioning what I shouldn't be questioning. 

I mean that answers why I can't ever seem to find fear. I did the short film with the company who pulled out on me, and I spoke and wrote about how I searched for fear and tried to be afraid and I couldn't. I can't. 

When I'm acting, I literally can't find fear. I don't know what it is. Not even panic really. I can't do it. 

I don't know how. 

I guess it would explain it then. I used so much fear in such an insane amount then that now it's like I absolutely refuse to be afraid. I can't do it. And I won't. Ever again, for any reason. 

In my soul, that makes a lot of sense to me. 

I know how to hand out an ass whoopin. I know how to fight. I know how to be angry and vengeful and shit, but I don't know fear. 

Even personally... I am a very kind person. I am. I'm not some rude, evil, nasty person. I just don't take any shit, and I think most people are too god damn sensitive about a lot of things. 

That even explains that, too. Of course I would think and feel that way having gone through that. Right? 

I mean on top of April's shit in this lifetime. My shit now. This time around. 

It's funny because I realized I actually can read myself. My energy. I can't do it just sitting here, but when I watch my YouTube videos I can. It's almost like I'm reading someone else. 

I'm pure light. Such a high vibration of light and love through different filters that I guess it does intimidate most people. I can see the light and health and all that stuff in me. Which is a solid carry-over from my Goddess times. The space I spent before I came into this lifetime up in the realms of Gods and Goddesses clearing and learning and stuff. 

It's funny... Most people have a hard time talking about trauma. Traumatic things. I don't. 

I want to purge them all. Get it the fuck out of me and away from me. Put it somewhere so it's no longer sitting in my soul. Telling someone, typing it, recording a video, whatever. 

Feelings... That's a foreign concept to me. That's also a carry-over. I am not someone who doesn't understand emotions, I just... I don't know how to describe it... On a spiritual level, I guess I just understand them to be something else. From another level of consciousness, I don't grasp them fully. 

It's odd.

Feelings related to past life traumas are the hardest. It's like a hot flash. They randomly come, and I can't do anything about it. And they're almost not even mine, and the situations and circumstances seem so out there and foreign that I can't even rationalize them with my human brain. 

If I try, anyways.

I usually just call JJ and the other Angels to come bring me back to this moment. Whatever present moment I'm in. And away from those moments. Those feelings. 

It's crazy. Absolutely crazy. 

And it's not like I can say, "Hi! I'll take the visions and feelings and stuff but just for this and that, not for this or this." It doesn't work that way. 

So, it's all there. It all comes about as its meant to. 

Then I rely on my friends. My spirit friends and family. They help ground me again, too.

It's not all that scary. Obviously. I mean, at LEAST once a day I know my Grandma is here. She makes herself known at the very least once a day. Sometimes, upwards of maybe 5-10 times. Every time I just say, "Hi Grandma" and move along. Acknowledge. 

My friend the other day suggested I make mediumship a full time thing. I figure how to do that. Hell no. I still want to do film, and filmmaking and acting. I believe a part of my personal purpose is to bring light to spiritual things and 'otherworldly' stuff. To make it less of a weird and taboo thing. But that doesn't mean it's my profession. My calling. It isn't. 

There are tons of kids being born that are indigo children. Sensitive, with gifts. People, adults and teens are waking up everywhere. Suddenly having weird shit happen they can't explain and don't know who to talk to about it. Are they weird or freaks or whatever? 

No. They're not.

My friend called me the other night about her daughter. "She said she saw this huge ghost and his name was Bones. He was taunting her. I heard her screaming, 'GO AWAY! GO AWAY!' What do I do, April?" 

She's 4.

It's happening more and more every day, all over. 

It's real. Of course, you have to experience it yourself to really grasp that, but for those of us who have these things happen, even occasionally like myself... It's very, very, undeniably real. 

And if you don't know that, aren't secure in that and don't have people to talk to or don't know what's going on... It's maddening. And deeply upsetting. 

Because for now it still seems like the few and far between have this happen. When really, most just excuse things away or try to rationalize some irrational experience and with the human brain just ignore it rather than call it what it is. 

Because so many are okay with saying 'oh it doesn't exist' because they are not okay with anything they can't completely explain. It's not black and white. Not easily understandable. It isn't explainable. It isn't easily understood or whatever. And when people can't find solid proof or completely totally understand every part in a way that makes complete and total sense... They deny. Avoid. Excuse. 

They call it 'coincidence' or 'that's weird' or 'odd' or 'eating the wrong thing before bed' or 'I don't know' or 'some light reflecting off a car down the block that hit my window and bounced off my table and hit this wall in the shape of something in the corner of my eye' or 'I just missed them a lot so my grief made me see them' or 'they're just playing pretend' or 'my oxygen levels must be off' or 'just ignore it'. Those things don't help the people it's happening to if it isn't you. 

Doesn't help you either. 

One of the more traumatic things about this potential past life thing is feeling how much she did not want to die. 

She did not want to die. 

She wasn't ready. She truly enjoyed her life. She loved it. She loved everything about it. She fought so hard and held on for so long, and as she was dying she was just... Upset. Like a, "NO! I'M NOT READY TO DIE!" feeling. Deep pain and upset that her life was taken from her at all, let alone like that. 

That.. That is hard to feel. To deal with. Me or not, just knowing and feeling that is really upsetting. 

As her life was slipping away, it was such a deep upset. Like the saddest and most heartbreaking cry on the planet. She didn't want to go, and my god she put up a good fight. 

But, of course there's also no way she could have survived anyways. Not when they find your fucking intestines a fucking foot from your mutilated halves. But, ya know, she tried. 

That didn't make her too happy either. Rage. Pure rage. 

God bless her. I hope that sick piece of shit who did that is rotting in hell. All of them. Every single one who knew or participated and covered it up... All of them. Rot in hell. 

It's odd also that when I tried to kill myself, I went into my bathtub and cut and cut my heart out. Blood everywhere. I was 16. Way before this potential discovery. Is it odd that it's said she was drained of her blood in the bathtub? 

That's one thing that was in my dream, but I didn't know what a piece of info anywhere. They mentioned it in that ghost hunting show, and I about lost my shit. Really didn't think that was anywhere. 

And I went to end my life and sat in a bathtub and bled for god knows how long. 


Other things too, like... I remember certain things about when I was a prostitute. But I most certainly haven't been anything even close to it this lifetime. Not by a fucking longshot. 

Just odd. 

The whole community in ancient Egypt worshiped cats, and I do damn near the same thing in this lifetime. So, that's cool. It's not all bad, haha! 

Are there any other people out there who feel me? Who are living with this type of shit also? Maybe not a murder, but... This past lives cyclone? Soul vs Humanity weirdness? 

Well, if so... You're not alone. 

I suspect as the world continues there will be more and more people who do. So, if ever anyone happens to stumble by this... You get it. 

You don't need meds. You're not crazy. You're just more open than most. 


Nothing like spending a Friday night dealing with aspects of a potential past life murder with my cats. 

Hope everyone is liking my YouTube series, by the way! Got really cool shit planned for the year so stay tuned! 

Oh, and I'm pretty sure I just heard someone whispering at me. Joy. 


Thursday, February 18, 2016


Today was pretty cool. Got to hang with a friend of mine who I haven't seen in a long time, it was lovely. 

Pretty interesting too. She was telling me about her manager at her job and how her Dad just recently passed away. 

Suddenly I got this flash of a heart. Like the side of the body the heart is on, but like a medical book photo of it. She's known me since highschool, she totally is down with crystals and energy and astrology and stuff. She's been knowing about what I've started having happen to me since it started. 

So I felt comfortable to blurt out, "Was it a heart thing? Or did he have a heart problem?"

She stopped for a second and thought, then a light hit her and she's like, "...Yes. Yeah, he did. His heart was only working at 10%. Wow!"

That was pretty cool.

I kept going since obviously I caught the vibe and told her he knew he was going to pass and he was prepared and greatful to them and everything. It was awesome.

Doesn't happen often, but every now and then I get a Bing-Bing on my spirit/gift radar. Just gatta go with it. 

I felt comfortable enough with her like I said to just blurt it out. Because with her even if I was wrong, I'm not judged or worried about "Haha! You're wrong!" held over my head because she gets how it works. It's not always 100. Not me anyways.

Very cool tho. And the girls Dad, his energy felt super open and relaxed. What I could feel of it anyways, so that helps a ton. And, of course, my friend is super open so that's a big part of it. All channels open help it flow.

Been awhile since that happened to me. I still got it. *thumbs up* I spent so long not understanding it and having to learn all about it and come to terms with it... It's me, a part of me. I digs it.

Imagine me jumping up and clicking my heels while the frame freezes as I'm in the air. You may put me in a classic leprechaun outfit. Add a rainbow and a pot of gold. It makes me giggle, so I pass the laugh on. 

My friend Candiss has started hearing some little girl running around her house and saying something. Candiss has always been more sensitive, she just didn't know it. 

I should just start handing out warning cards before people make the decision to be my friend. Like side effects. I'm a weirdo who occasionally has weird shit happen to me and it may end up happening to you. Maybe. 

Told my friend all about my past lives and everything she hasn't been in step with. She thinks it totally makes sense, she gets it. We even talked about religion and astrology and how she knows she'll be coming back again. This isn't her last life. And how I know like 90% sure this is my last life. 

We agreed to try and communicate in her next life, and I promised her I would be her guide! How awesome right? Totally serious, not joking or making fun of it. She's been my bitch since freshman year. Hello one of the many reasons why. 

It's so much more powerful, I assume, when both parties are aware. That'll be cool. She's getting more and more aware of herself and consciousness and energy and getting into crystals and everything in this lifetime. Next one, she'll be even more open. So, my chances of communicating are easier.

I just have to try and blast myself and my career in this lifetime even more. Even for that alone. Kind of like Lucy and me. She'll see me somewhere and feel like she knows me. Then I'm in. Like Lucy did with me.

...odd, that I am now on the spirit guide end of things and I'm not even dead yet. 

Oh, my life is interesting and weird but so fucking awesome. 

I'm lucky. 

As much shit as I talk about it sometimes (I'm only human), I really do love my life. Truly, madly, deeply. 

This earth is heavenly. My life is beautiful. The things I get to experience and live and see and feel are truly gifts. With my human senses and additional ones. 

Even with this horrifying cramp in my neck I have had all day (I decided to learn some dances the other night and whipped my hair back and forth too fast + slept wrong)... I'm thankful I can feel it. It's good to be alive. 

What's even more beautiful? 

10 years ago... I wouldn't ever believe this was possible. To smile, and feel it in my soul. To truly love being alive. To really value it. I wouldn't have believed it.

But here I am. I survived everything that could have killed me. I am clean. I am sober. I am SI free. I am working toward my dreams and goals every day and believing in my soul that I will succeed. I am working on my soul and who I am. Being the best human I can in a world where my feels aren't technically understood or acknowledged. 

I love me. I love life. 

Oddly enough, I have spirit to partially thank for that. 

After spending to much of my life wishing I was dead, it was the dead that took part in making me realize how special and precious my human life was. 

I am compelled to share some quick tips to happiness: 

1) Understand there are no coincidences.
2) Everything happens for a reason. Everything. 
3) Thoughts create things. 
4) All of spirit is there to help you. 
5) All of spirit is waiting for you to ask for their help.
6) Smile. Force it. After awhile, it'll be real.  Promise. 
7) You're beautiful. Inside and out. Know that. 
8) Life is a game. A ride. Just relax and fucking enjoy it. 
9) "Negative" shit isn't real unless you say it is. Don't co-sign it. 
10) You're the boss of your life. 


My life is going to be even more glorious as it goes on. 

Have I mentioned how perfect Melinda and Jim are? Just, yes. For sure some of my big relationship goals right there. They're epic. I want that please. 

I mean give or take some stuff. Not exact here people. Not delusional. Generalizing. 

It's so interesting how people look at 'perfect TV couples' like that and say they're not real. "That'll never happen in real life." 

Uhm... Why not? That's fucking sad if people don't expect their relationship to be that perfect. Seriously. 

Me and my man are going to have a very weird mind reading energy sensing thing going on. I knows it.

I'm excited for whenever I get pregnant. That's going to be a super magical experience for everyone. Especially me. Talk about feeling vibes times 5 million. 

"Who you talking to?"

"My kid."

"Oh? Where... Where is she?"

<points to stomach>


Ugh. I'm hungry. 

Neck still hurts. 

It's 2a. Know what that means? Food. 


Haha. I like that one. 

Ow. My neck hurts so bad. 


(Is there supposed to be a little fancy thing over the e? I always ask myself that. Barely passed highschool friends.)

Namastè? Looks like Nestlè. Is there a thing over that e? I don't like it. 

It stays as Namaste. Makes me sleep better at night. 

(Welcome to the conversations I have with myself in my brain. You're welcome.)


Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Intuition & The DIA

I don't understand why I've been feeling so misplaced lately.

I mean really. I don't know why. 

Like, totally feeling my humanity. The fact that I'm a human. May have spoken of it before, but the 'woah, I have arms' type of thing. 

I was making coffee this morning thinking from out of nowhere, "What is my life? This is my life today. Sitting, drinking coffee." I don't know.

Plus I'm bleeding to death. In context of my alleged last past life that isn't so meaningless anymore, haha. But, it's period time and it is ruthless.

I'm finally learning (or putting together) what is truly intuition and a warning versus just a worry or a human attachment to fear. Which is huge for me. I've been working on it for awhile.

I knew he difference, but like I finally today got it. It clicked. What is an intuitive warning from my guides and everyone, versus me being human.

For Galentines day, we spent a family day with Kyle's family at the Detroit Institute of Arts:

We were in the line getting coffee, and we kept questioning the questionable sign at the front. Could we walk around with coffee? I hoped so. 

I got this overwhelming 'no', and a "you can't". 

What'd I do? 

Human brain. 

I ignored it.

Go to leave and what do they say?

"Sorry, you can't take that into the museum."

Well damnit. And who did I have to blame? Me.

Just me. 

It's so hard to explain, but it finally clicked today. The enormous difference between a worry and intuitive warnings and answers. 

It all really comes in just fucking going with it. Not worrying about being stupid or going against yourself or other people questioning you and shit. 

Also, I had some statue talk to me. I think. Or the energy of whoever it was talk to me. Dude was like, "Well hello there young lady." 

Pretty cool, actually. 

I spent the entire day testing out my gift. The strongest one, clairsentience? Might as well work it out. 

It's harder reading photographs or paintings than it is people. Like actual people, in person. 

All day I would look at paintings of people, the self portraits or paintings other people painted of someone or some actual event, and read it. 

Was pretty fun. Never did that at any  museum type place before. I did very well considering I felt like I did well. I don't know, I never feel like I have to check. I always feel like it's accurate. Weird, but I do. 

My mummy friend was there, we said 'Hi'. She's sweet. I don't understand why  there's major bad vibes standing by her head, but... Whatever. 

There were too many people there for me to get legit vibes with her. So, there's always next time. 

I know I've said it before, but Melinda and Jim are the best. That's #RelationshipGoals for sure. Minus his death. But his jumping into another body for her... Husband of eternity award. 

My Mom came by today and I was watching more 'Ghost Whisperer'. She says, "Why are you watching yourself on TV?" Hardy har.

Major self esteem boost when I see her. She's fucking gorgeous. Like - drop dead gorgeous. Beautiful. Classic. Sexy. Hot. If I even look kind of like her, I really dig that shit. I approve. 

We are sexy people. Obviously. 


Hey! It's 2:22a! Angel numbers! Just noticed. 

Okay, I'm gonna go eat candy and watch more TV. Maybe do my nails. Since, you know, I can't sleep and I feel like it. 

Actually, I want a meal. I'm hungry hungry. 


Friday, February 12, 2016

Don't give up on yourself. Ever.

There is enormous truth in certain quotes. Hell, most all of them. Particularly this one:

"The truth will set you free. But first... It'll piss you off."

There are many things in my life that I personally know to be true. 

Does everyone? No. 

Can it be shown and told to everyone? No.

Today, I got into a business related discussion with a friend of mine who had also seen the not-so-nice side of Hollywood when she had lived there. She is also trying to do things for herself from her home base now. She was looking for some advice and guidance on just how to go about doing that.

It brought me back.

Back to everything I didn't like, everything I saw and experienced that no one talks about. So many things. It's wonderful to have someone echo your experiences back to you and reinstate that you were not crazy. You didn't blow anything 'out of proportion'. You didn't make it up. 

It was that bad. It was that unethical. It was that disturbing. 

The few who are caught in the public eye that choose to speak of it are destroyed. 

Katt Williams. Dave Chappelle. 

People who choose to speak about certain things are pushed aside. Or there is an attempt to push them aside.

Rose McGowan. Roseanne. Thandie Newton. 

Even people who decide to not do certain things that suddenly disappear, and there's things made up about them as to why. 

Mo'Nique. Britney Spears. 

Some documentaries and things people make about certain aspects that we have a hard time even finding or seeing. 

An Open Secret. 

There's so many people that speak out and stand for themselves and others, then turn around and realize what they've said/done and go back on it because they realize they liked their fame and money more than standing for others.

Kevin Smith.

Do I believe all of it? 


Not all of it. 

Some of it is more entertaining than anything else. I've always been a dedicated student of all knowledge. Whatever someone has to say, I'll listen. Depending. I respect all viewpoints. All peoples accounts of personal experience.

But, I can only stand by what I have also personally experienced. 

Such as Thandie Newton's casting couch story. Rose McGowan's issues. 

When you live in Hollyweird long enough, and network with enough people, sit on the outskirts of certain rings, deal with certain groups of people and happen to end up in certain meetings or rooms with groups of people or at restaurants or studio restaurants when people don't think you can hear them... Or are in a place of enough power where it doesn't matter what they say or how loud...

You hear/live/experience some things. Even outside the casting office.

Of course, with anything in this world (especially this stuff), the best thing to do if you have any questions or trouble digesting is to go to the people you know that are highest in power. If you have agents, know directors, studio heads, go ask them some tough questions. Some questions you may be scared to ask. Some questions you may be afraid the answers to, and pay close attention. 

Watch them stammer. Watch them struggle. Watch them skip over it completely like you didn't ask it. Watch them push it aside, like, "Oh come on now. You believe/think that?" Instead of answering it. Watch them maybe question YOU. "Where did you hear that? Who said that?" Peep the body language (avoiding eye contact/too much eye contact/hands clasped over private parts/arms folded over chest/shrugging/nodding yes when the answer out of their mouth is saying no, etc). The tone. Everything. 

Even deeper, on a soul level, ask questions about yourself. People in those positions or any positions once you're going in that direction are your sellers. You're a product, but you have a soul and feelings and emotions. See if these people are people who really do care about you. Key: they care when they're not making money. How do you find that out? Asking tough and maybe uncomfortable questions. See how much they value you as a human being. What order do you fall in? Money first and human second? 

Ask questions like, "How do you feel about my growth as a human?" See if the answer falls in line with human things and not business ones. Are they answering you with happy soulful things ("You're enjoying your life and you're glowing") or business ones ("The projects seem to have helped you grow/The direction your career is going in/The stuff you're working on")? Ask them questions about you. "If I was uncomfortable with something, would you help me fix it even if it meant something bad for business happened?" Or the even harder things, "You wouldn't ever do anything I wasn't aware of or didn't agree to, would you?/Our entire working relationship will be/has been completely and totally transparent, right?" Or, "If I stopped working today, would you still value me as much as you do when I'm working?/Do you truly have my best interest at heart?" 

Random shit. This depends on if they're someone who has/should known/know this stuff. "What's my Moms name? How old am I? What's my favorite color? What stuff do I value above work?" They seem mundane and stupid, but that gauges how much humanity someone sees in you that is working for/with you. Again, are you a dollar sign first or a human being? 

If you're someone who is just starting out and going through agents and managers and all that, I always advise for everyone to know everyone's jobs first. So before you try and get an agent, do extensive research on what an agent does and how they do it. You can even get into boutique agencies and say you're interested in becoming an agent, and you'd like to talk to someone or shadow an agent for a day. Same with managers, publicists, even the specific tasks and stuff an entertainment lawyer deals with. How they deal, what they do. Learn all those jobs first. Ins, outs, practices, everything. Get so comfortable with it you feel confident you could do it yourself. 

From there, it should be easier for you to figure out your brand. Google what that means exactly if you're stumped. What is your brand? How do you sell? How will 'buyers' look at you? Why? Everything from how you walk, talk, move, and dress to even what you believe, how you speak, activities you do (that's more for publicists and media relations things). 

You're the business card of your career. People put that together for you generally, but you really should know what it is and how to do it yourself. Be realistic. You're not some girl who is 5'3" with blonde hair and a soft spoken 'girl next door' voice who weighs 120 soaking wet and has it nowhere in your life history to be anything but kind expecting to be seen like Angelina Jolie. That's unrealistic. You won't even be considered for parts like she has. Regardless what you do. So, what is your brand? Probably Reese Witherspoon type. 

Are you a bigger more tough looking man that will probably be branded or seen as a linebacker type? Then don't expect to have some leading role as a science professor or something on 'Big Bang Theory'. You're probably forever automatically branded and sent on shit like 'Assassin 3' and 'Drug Lord'. Depending. Not 'nerd next door', and same the other way around. Some shy, more soft spoken smaller man can't expect to ever be seen as anything like an assassin or some action star. 

Once you know that, you've got a pretty good handle on most of the important stuff and you should take power and pride in that. Ask agents things like, for example what I have asked, "So I'm a brunette. How many brunettes that are 'my type' do you have on your roster?" Why? Determines how I will stand out. An enormous pool of tons of me types makes my chances at auditions and work smaller. Also, things like, "What's the average amount of auditions your talent is sent on in a month? One person? Who is your highest booked person? What types of auditions come through your agency? What's the best job someone has been booked on?"

Be warned, all of those questions have gotten me the 'who the fuck do you think you are' type answers. Truthfully, all of those things you can find on IMDb if they're reputable and everyone is listed, but it's better coming from them specifically. Let's them know you're not playing games with your career and you're serious. If you're a man, you'll have a better time with those questions. Sucks but it's true. And don't be timid. Be confident and empowered when you ask. They get a percentage of what you make, they're working for you not the other way around. It's business, is it not? In business, you ask those questions. And say for example they've got a talent pool of over 200 girls who are in my same category or 'type', then my chances are pretty slim with them isn't it? And if they have a big pool and only ever usually get commercials (which isn't bad but depending on your specific goals for yourself is good to be aware of) and maybe one person has booked an under-5... Pretty much a waste of time. You can continue to look for representation elsewhere. 

And always, always trust your gut. Does this person seem like a phony? A sleezeball? A creep? A liar? I don't care if they're the best agent around... Leave. 

I should hope you would. 

Of course, with my 'gifts', my highest and most active one is always my feels. I can feel if things are good, bad, indifferent, usually right away. 

Should I stay or should I go? 

Should I sign or not?

Should I trust this person or are they totally untrustworthy? 

Often times followed by people saying, "...but do you know who that is, though?!"

I don't give one single iota of a fuck who it is. 


Do I have a problem with how most people know the deep level of fuckery that goes on and ignore it? 

Yes. Very much so.

Like Thandie Newton basically said, "Why did no one else in the room, the older more experienced woman, say nothing? They didn't help me."

No one helps you. 

You always have to CYA. Cover Your Ass. 

The only person who will ever put your health, sanity and soul as #1 is YOU. Don't ever forget that. 

Do people realize that when Casting Directors and Agents discuss their jobs to people, they refer to it as a 'buyer/seller' difference? 

I have never enjoyed being anyone's dollar signs.

A small portion of what I realized very quickly while I was dancing around several circles inside the industry was what Lady Gaga spoke of when she talked to a college and said she's done with the industry and its standards as a whole. 

That portion of her discussion can be found here:

I have never needed to personally experience certain things to be able to 'get it'. 

If you watch it happen to other people real time with your own eyes, use your intuition, all that stuff... Common sense... You get the fuck out with your morals, sanity, reputation (for yourself) and health still intact. 

There are several people I can just glance at and tell they're dying inside. No proof, just my gut. 

But let me tell ya... There's nothing like seeing someone, maybe across the room, and feeling certain ways and getting certain things... Then having them come by, and start spewing word vomit (when they don't know me and probably shouldn't - that empath thing I guess) & having it all comfirmed. 

That's not to say it's always correct... But it's right more than its wrong. For me personally.

Even a bonus round series of questions... Like Lady Gaga said... "I'm not taking pictures with that, I'm not selling this..." Stuff like that... There is ALWAYS a reason they have you do things. Always. That's a part of the agent/publicist thing you may never ever be privy to. 

No one ever in the history of forever has anyone go to any event without a reason. Take pictures with or do interviews with anyone for no reason. Every single thing you do, there is a reason. Often times much deeper than just promoting the thing you're doing. That may be what's told to you, but that's not the whole truth. 

That's nothing weird or conspiracy ridden. That's just the business.  

The bonus questions to ask your team when paparazzi and magazines and stuff get involved are things like, "Do you have an account with any paparazzi firm or magazine company?" More often than not, they do. Lots of pictures of talent that are sold to any magazine or anything get a bounce back percentage to agents and management. Mostly it's publicists. That's a percentage on your image and likeness you're not getting. To my knowledge, the Kardashians are the only people who know this and actively get their percentages. Thanks to their business savvy parents. 

Something most people won't tell you is the classic 'how did they know I was here' photos. Be very mindful what types of personal things you tell agents/managers/publicists. They often work like doctors, teams of healthcare professionals. They meet about you. Think back to anything at all you may have mentioned in passing or just because it was a conversation, and if they at all relate to some photog incident anywhere. That's not something that always happens, but it's known to happen. Generally, if you (talent) can develop a good relationship with a person of the paparazzi, that's when they find out. 

That's another super important thing. Paparazzi. They can either destroy your life, or protect you. Most people only recognize the first one - destruction. Intrusive and threatening. But once someone realizes that they can (and often do) have the best and most prominent way of helping and protecting you, you can switch the game up. First, you have to understand the game and how it's played. 

There's one fantastic episode of Inside Man I believe or something where they go inside and undercover with the paparazzi and go about doing their job with them. Every aspect, day to day. You see everything and learn almost everything. And, as always, my life philosophy is to what? Learn everything. Learn everyone's jobs. I love learning. Learn everything, every job. Every aspect of them. Even (especially) the paparazzi.

They can either help you (tip you off to other people around and help you get out/in somewhere safely, etc) or hurt you (completely treat you like a douchebag if you treat them like a douchebag). That's all a game. Kind of a rush to befriend them and make peace and give them a good photo or two here and there. Then they'll trust you and help you. Don't forget, they're people too just trying to make a living. They work for the magazines, and if the industry you work/are trying to work for didn't reduce you to a dollar sign... They wouldn't either. 

They're a part of it, too. 

That's the type of thing you do yourself though. No agent or anyone will help you make peace or friends with paparazzi. That's all you. So get your knowledge up, and research. 

Some quick ways you can turn any publicity thing with paparazzi to your favor are:

- Wear clothing that's littered with profanity (can't show it)
- Wear clothing clearly stating some activist thing (animal rescue, suicide prevention, etc)
- Look as much not like yourself as you can (know your brand, go the total opposite of it, they'll almost look over/past you)
- Get paparazzi-proof clothing (flashback series I believe it is, ruins a flash and automatically turns a photo into a negative type image that can't see anything at all) 
- Treat them like people (learn their names, they know yours, and say Hi often, same psychology as they recommend using when you're abducted or in trouble with someone who views you as an object and not a person. Learn their name, ask them questions about themselves, their kids, whatever, that instantly gets you respect and they see you as someone with feelings and shit)
- Learn the 'hot spots' in your area (where everyone seems to be at/get photographed at) and avoid them. 
- Stay away from groups of industry people. In groups, higher chances someone tipped someone off or someone's agent or whoever tipped someone off. Or even the network or whoever you're working with tipped someone off for media coverage in a way for the project. 
- Only associate with people you trust. In all fashions, Not blind trust (because someone else trusts them/because someone said they're trustworthy), true deep trust (you feel it and know it yourself, personally). 
- Don't put any plans or locations anywhere on social media. Ever. Or if you feel you have to, don't do it until you get home. 
- Record them. Keep a dash cam or some kind of little camera somewhere on you that you can easily hit 'record' on when shit gets loud. That way, if something questionable happens, you're 300% covered. Again, rule? CYA. 
- When you go out, DO NOT HIDE. That's hard, but important. At a restaurant? Don't sit with your back to the door. Sit with your back to a wall. This part is usually security's part, but you should stay active and alert for yourself, too. Keep an eye on all surroundings. You don't want anything questionable going on behind you. Keep an open and wide area for your own personal surveillance, and keep your back protected at the same time. Don't bow, don't cower, don't hide. That conveys confidence, too. See someone? Eye contact, nod, they know you've seen them. Polite, and direct. They know they can't sneak around, you've seen them. You're aware. This part is more important for women than men, but benefits both. 
- Move. Get the fuck out of those cities/states. 

...I mean there's a thousand ways. It's all psychological. Most of it anyways. Understand how someone views you, change it. You all work under the same warped umbrella. 

You're never powerless. Alone, with your team. You're not. You always have power over your life. You just have to grab it, and use it. 

Think about this: In the same way people view them as dehumanizing talent, talent is dehumanizing them as well.

Really. Read that again. 

With any true spiritual or soulful growth, in any problem ever, you have to look at the parts you need to take responsibility for. 

They say talent is a dollar sign, a product... Well, talent says they're just intrusive, horrible people (for the most part). 

You're all thinking, feeling human beings. Every single one of you. Under the entire umbrella. Everyone has a heart, a family, a job. 

Especially in this type of industry. It's common knowledge that one can quickly lose themselves. In my opinion, that's more likely when one forgets their power or gives it to other people or doesn't take their career/life in their own hands first and foremost.

Don't ever give up on yourself. 

There's a ton that's done that do keep people (aka products) so brainwashed and blind and numb that they'd never even begin to question anything. 

How would you feel if you knew that the person you are was being manipulated into thinking you were aspects of other people with the intended outcome being you lookin in the mirror wondering what the fuck happened and how you got there and who the hell you even are anymore? 

That's scary. 

But please, as always, don't believe me. Go research, really research. Ask the tough questions. Really dig deep and discover this stuff on your own. It's all out there.

And of course none of anything I've ever said means you have to give anything up. No way. Knowledge is power. Take your life truly into your hands and run with it. Be the best you that you can be. 

Live your dreams, and live them with purpose and conviction. 

Don't ever, ever, give up on you. 

I find lots of people like myself don't want to give it up. Not all the way. We still have intentions and goals, but they're 400% in our hands and when we keep it all in house because we see what happens otherwise... It's hard. Hard as fuck. 

It's hard, for example, to sit in a meeting of any kind and ask business questions to anyone, any job title (specifically agent/manager/publicist/casting director/director/investor) when they live with the 'I'm the buyer, you're the product' mentality. It very quickly turns into a "how dare you question me", even if you're smiling and truly polite and kind. 

Especially when you're a woman.

Especially when you're a woman in your 20s.

Especially when you're a woman in your 20s, and you're asking questions to a man well over 40.

Unintentionally, it turns sour. And no one really seeks to help people.

Trust me, I've reached out to tons of people.

Rose McGowan and Thandie Newton have been the most kind and open to my attempt at communication. Which goes miles for any young woman in my position. 

For anyone, really. Just to be acknowledged. 

As long as intentions are pure, of course, as it should always be.

It's hard to find people to really go beyond communication and help. With offering deep knowledge or a personal conversation.

I have been blessed enough to find people who would sit down with me and would offer their knowledge and time. Personally. 

They know who they are, and I am forever grateful. 

But even in conversations with the friend of mine, and looking at our lives and what we've seen and experienced in that twisted reality of fake people and money ruling everything... I look at my life, my goals, my dreams and question all of them.


How am I going to make sure I do this the right way? 

To be very realistic... It may never be some big deal thing. I may never be, my projects may never be, so forth. The attachment I once held to those superficial things I was using to fill a hole somewhere are gone. 

But my passion for creating and building and playing pretend with friends and having fun and hell even marketing and building a film from the bottom up... Hasn't. I truly enjoy it, it's fun.

And the goal is to turn your joy, your passion, into a living.

The way it's offered to me in the world, outside of myself, thus far, isn't anything I would ever opt into. Nothing out there I like or support. In Hollywood or anywhere else.

And that's the detour on the path.

So when myself and others like me sit and realize these things, make these decisions with ourselves, we then have to ask: How?

Now if you're asking some 'superstar', or someone that hasn't lived the independent film life (true independent film), even agents and other industry people, they'd say it's totally impossible. 

They know big budgets and studios and the best agencies and all that. They know nothing else. And if they once knew a struggle, they don't remember it and/or certainly don't identify with it anymore. 

Those of us who still live with the passion, the desire, goals, regardless of money or status... We don't settle. We know there's a thousand different ways, we even make some up, and we'll try them all.

That takes a hell of a lot longer than sucking a dick. Or submitting headshots all day. Or going to different agencies every day for open auditions or whatever. Or going to meetings all year. Or networking events all year. 

Doing everything yourself, truly yourself, struggling and trying and failing and trying again and again and again... It's hard. Really, really hard.

Mentally, physically and emotionally. 

It makes you question yourself. What you're doing and why. Makes you, sometimes, look back and around for the easy ways in that you were offered before. You'll think about it before your sanity slaps you back in the face. Or Ashley Gray, if you're me. She helps me out when I'm slipping. 

She always tells me, "How would you ever be able to look any young girl in the eyes and tell her you did it the right way? And know that? For real?"

Good friends who don't 'yes' you everywhere and aren't scared to slap you with some unflattering truths are very necessary.

I have a friend or two that are strippers. I've had some difficult times watching them come home with $8,000 in one night. Sitting there thinking about how many nights I'd need to work to make my own movie. 

When I start going too far with that type of consideration, I emergency call Ashley Gray.

I mean you don't need any money to really make a movie, but money makes it way way easier. One of the many shortcuts is money.

But really... It's just shit that the universe is currently set up that way.

That's why it's what women slip into. There's no people to help women pay for babies or school or their dreams or even guide or anything. Then they see that $8,000 a night shit (because the world tells us women that our bodies are worth more than our brains) and think there's no other way.

Struggling, for anyone in any profession, goes for so long before people look to something less than what they want and say 'fuck it, can't struggle anymore, I'll just do it'.


Happens to men in Hollywood too though.

Happens to kids.

Happens to everyone.

My goal, one of them, is to be able to hopefully show people one day that anything really is possible. You can really do it all yourself. It takes hustle and struggle and emotions and fighting and looking in the mirror every day and reminding yourself you're worth more than that and tons of other things.

It's really reminding yourself of who you are every single day. And reminding yourself it's okay to be different. There are a thousand ways to go around everything. You can and often should find your own ways to do things.

Nothing is the end. 

You have more power in you than you'll ever know. You just have to really put it in action.

You will fail a million times. Expect that.

But don't expect to stay down. 

Stand the fuck up and keep fucking moving.

Don't hold any negativity in your heart. Don't. For any person or any situation.

It is what it is. Let it be.

Don't ever do any harm, but don't take any shit.

If someone fucked you over, know the truth - learn from it - don't ever trust them again, and move on. 

Don't listen to negative shit. Especially not from yourself.

Positivity is the most important. 

Be positive.

Positive about every thing and everyone. 

Be kind.

Help others. Don't ever forget to help others. 

Love yourself. 

Trust yourself.

Believe in yourself.

Look into the mirror, look deep into your eyes and tell yourself with as much passion as you have, "I will NEVER give up on you."

That's some powerful shit.

Do it. For real.

Go do that now.