Met my friends guide the other night. Ish. Started smelling and tasting alcohol. Interesting.
Was laying down trying to sleep and heard a man say, "Um, excuse me..."
Took me a second to realize someone was talking to me.
I answered him and said, "Yes?" Then it went away. As usual. I really tried not to wake up all the way or focus too hard. Maybe I need to start answering them out loud and not in my head?
His voice didn't sound familiar.
The night before, I heard some guy say, "Hey Frank."
I didn't put anything together or had any real conscious thoughts, but today I thought... Were you talking to Frank... Sinatra?!
<insert some love ballad and us running across a field of flowers into each other's arms>
God that man was beautiful. Young, old, his whole life. Consistently an amazingly gorgeous man.
Such a shame that I didn't find out my Grandpa knew him until it was too late.
As in, Frank was dead.
I had a great talk with my friend Wendy, who is a medium, and we're going to be doing a beautiful video for my series. I am so excited about it! I really, really can't wait for you all to see that. It'll be airing on my YouTube sometime in May.
If I didn't have Wendy in my life, I don't know what I would do. Really.
We talked today about how not that many people are clairaudient, and how that's something pretty cool that I can do. Or, have. But as always, to not go chase this stuff.
You never know.
But that discussion will be on my videos with her. I have a feeling it'll be quite the series of episodes with her.
I was watching a video of giraffes that said goodbye to a terminally ill cancer patient who use to work at that zoo and take care of them. He asked to be taken to their enclosure and they came up and kissed and nuzzled him - they said goodbye.
I cried. I cried like a baby. I posted it on my Instagram.
It got me thinking... I have a different experience, if you will, with death than most.
I've had the blessing of communicating with the dead. I've gotten to see and speak with every person that's been close to me that has died.
I've seen them, I've spoken to them. Animals and humans.
It's odd that as a human it still hurts. It's still sad.
Knowing they're not gone forever... But they're gone from this form... Still sucks.
Why? That's such a human thing. I mean I am human after all.
The fact that I still am angry and mourn the lives I've led. How wrong my deaths were (in most cases). It's just all very interesting.
They're gone, but not forever. They may come back, they may not, but their spirit is always here. Always around.
That's one thing Ghost Whisperer doesn't share. She crosses them and they're gone. That's not true at all. They can still come back any time they wish, as often as they wish.
Not everyone can communicate and see, of course... But I can't believe people don't have experienced. Signs and messages from their loved ones.
I think it's in a smell they brush off, a song they explain away, a dream they may remember and explain away or one they may not remember, a bird or flower or friend saying something... And everyone excuses it away as a 'coincidence'. But they send signs, they have their own ways of saying 'Hey'.
It's funny that human nature tells us that it just 'can't be' and 'isn't possible' when they're buildings and religions built around dead people. That people go and talk to them and pray and read their books and stuff. That the common knowledge is they're out there in spirit and they will help and guide... But that's only okay if it's in a religious context.
God is real. Someone can say they saw God or spoke to God and it's a wonderful thing. But if someone was to say they saw some dude who died last week that lived down the street... Holy moly. Not okay suddenly?
The Holy Spirit is apparently the only spirit friend one is allowed to have. Otherwise, you're crazy and mental and need medicine or to be locked away or exercised by a priest.
Don't get it.
It's all very interesting.
Oh humans. You silly bunch, you.
It's even more hilarious how those types of people are only going by the group thoughts. They're saying those things or believing those things because it was told to them. Someone told them to believe and think those ways. They didn't necessarily come to those conclusions 300% independently.
In unrelated news...
... I love learning, and often times I find one YouTube video on documentary type things. Then, an hour later, I'm on some weird video and have no idea how I got there.
I like watching 'Hollywood secrets' and 'untold stories', 'insider secrets' and such. Mainly because that's the road females walk who share stories of the casting couch. How real and horrible it is.
Having experienced lots of that myself (there's a YouTube video I did about my experiences), it's always refreshing to hear or see someone else's story that in some way reflects mine.
A very 'I'm not alone' feeling.
There's thousands of people in positions of power who don't want us to speak, and don't want it to be known (why the documentary 'An Open Secret' can't get played or picked up, why 'Girl 27' was taken off Netflix, why Rose McGowan was fired from her agent, why Kevin Smith spoke about shit at Sundance 2011 and couldn't get any work after).
Is it upsetting that more people in power don't do something to help us? To change the horrible practices? Yeah.
But... Could they?
They have much more to lose. Depending on perception I guess.
There's so much shit... It's just... You wouldn't even believe.
Most of the people in positions of fame and such are so... I mean I've spoke of it before. They don't live their own lives anymore. Isolation comes with secluded problems, and industry control. To whatever degree, in whatever direction.
Do I believe in the illuminati? Not necessarily. Do I believe in satanic rituals and multiple personalities? Not really. Do I believe most of the people are controlled and there's signals handlers and agents give and shit? Eh. Ish. Not really.
I can only ever speak and give voice to what I've personally experienced. And all of it relates to sex being required to get anywhere.
It's refreshing, because the other night I got to speak with a screenwriter by way of a friends company I've been asked to help guide them on brand building and marketing with. She is a WGA eligible writer who had some insane fucking stories to share with me.
We had a phone conference to which she opened with, "Can I start by saying how amazing it is to be working with women?"
She then shared with me HORRIFYING stories of what she was asked/told was required to get her work out there. From people that are so big it would shock people, down to the network folks and so forth.
That shit is real. That's the only thing I've experienced and seen, heard about and overheard.
But this video I found in the YouTube black hole is pretty interesting. Again, it's just interesting. Some of it I can get with, some is a little far fetched for me.
But, then again, I'm pretty solid when it comes to the red flag shit. I don't stick around when I'm pretty sure things will get worse for my soul. I also don't fuck with people who seem to be living in a cloud. I also, biggest one, don't give anyone the keys to my life - my decisions - my happiness. Ever.
No fucking way.
So, I may have just skated before I saw any more into the fuckery I had already seen. Believe me, I had seen enough.
So, sharing this video.
Regardless, it's... Interesting. Worth a watch. Even just for fun.
'Hollywood Insider Tells All'
One thing I can speak to, not from my personally but a friend... A friend of mine was working some voulenteer stuff for some type of gay rights organization.
I got a phone call and she was hysterical. Crying and freaking out.
She said all night there were people grabbing her ass and her boobs, getting too close, pushing her into other people who were groping her. Back stage or something there was some weird orgy thing going on.
She said they asked her about 50 times if she was gay. She's not. She's just a straight young woman who wanted to help and felt passionate about advocating for the rights of others.
She was told, every time, when she said she wasn't gay, she was told, "Oh honey, you will be." OR, "You might want to rethink that."
Before she left she cursed some group of women out who wouldn't stop touching her, and told a bunch of men who kept questioning some other straight man there and pressuring him to leave that dude alone.
She said she was so traumatized, she'll never go back.
I was shocked, to say the least.
Was I there? No. But, I'll take her word for it since she was kind of hard ass and not much phased her.
Not one single gay male friend of mine participates in any gay rights stuff. Ever. I've asked before and I never get an answer. The closest thing to an answer I got was from a transgender friend of mine who said, "I'm not in the business of converting anyone." Nothing more was said.
Am I gay? No. So I probably shouldn't even be talking because I don't know that community or the things that go on. Just sharing what I've heard. Relates to a portion of the video.
& it's interesting how the woman from the video says 'gay MALES'. I've always found it interesting on a personal and psychological level how women are pretty free sexually, but men aren't.
Yes, we're free to be free because we are marketed and seen as sex machines to sell sex in any way, shape and form. So sure, we have to be 'allowed' to do whatever we want. Gay one year, straight the next. Then gay again. Then marry a man. Or a woman. Then maybe a man. Then a woman. Whatever. Doesn't matter.
Ellen DeGeneres (spelling?) dated a woman who now dates men. Lindsay Lohan dated a girl, and the whole time all men kept saying was, "when are you coming back to men?"
Men? You're one or the other. Pick one. In reality, there have been gay men who have later been with a woman. It happens. It's just never seen or spoken of.
Not that it's all the time. Not that it's common. But it happens. People get touchy when you speak on that stuff, but I don't get it. If you love who you love and it suddenly doesn't fall into a definition anymore of what you once thought, gay or straight, who gives a shit? Love should be totally open and free, and you should be with who makes you happy right?
They covered it in 'Glee'. Some gay kid started having feelings for some girl on the show, read about it on tumblr actually under a discussion about this same thing. Women's sexual freedom and 'love allowance' vs a mans.
There was also something on Instagram on an LGBT Feminism account that said, "Straight person falls for person of same sex? Fine. Gay person falls for someone of opposite sex? Fine. Bisexual person has preference for opposite gender? Fine. (They listed a ton more...) What is NOT fine is telling someone how to love."
The woman from the video even tells about the casting couch shit. Which, that's really the only thing I've experienced first hand. As I say often, haha.
I will second what that woman said... The good experiences I've had auditioning and just in general in Hollywood one-on-one were either with gay men, or straight women.
Neither wanted to sleep with me.
Or, the occasional friend of friend who had kids my age and was pretty much told not to fuck with me by their personal friend. So I wasn't some 'random woman' in their eyes.
How she talks about cast members sleeping with everybody... Oh boy, I've seen that on film sets. Parties, drinking, going out, sleeping with everyone. That's why my ass stays the fuck to myself.
I remember the first big film I did, I was shadowing (along with acting, because I always aimed to know all the things) a UPM (unit production manager). She was going into some kind of kit in a trailer, and I saw all kinds of pills and pregnancy tests.
I asked what they were for. Stupid little me, all green and shit.
She said, "Plan B pills and pregnancy tests."
To which I said, "What for?"
She gave me a look. Just a silence, and a look. And walked off.
The next several weeks of shooting, I saw why. And I was disgusted.
& she is so right about being stable in yourself, that gives you so much power. To turn things down and so forth. To stay away from that shit.
Regardless my abuse and horrible past, family and otherwise, I am a strong woman. I wouldn't ever cave. Ever. That serves you there. But, costs you lots of jobs. Most of the jobs.
Oh, how she says, "Agents basically operated as a madam..." Oh. Girl. Preach!
I can't tell you how many times (toward the end, when I was sick of it all and fed up) I've cursed an agent or casting director the fuck out. Up, down, and around the corner. Probably sent them home in tears. My Italian ass can only be pushed so far. I am not, nor have I ever been a fucking whore. Prostitute.
You've got to be out of your god damn mind to ever assume I am, or solicit me like I am. Nice try bitch. Don't want anything that bad. Fuck you.
I've also had some brushes with celebrities and weird inner circle type things... It was fucking weird. Nine out of ten times it was just... Odd. Fucking odd.
I echo her statement about thinking one day she would find some big role that didn't require sex or something. But she never did. You're not alone girl.
Any aspiring actresses, young women out there, that is why I talk about it. Because knowledge is power. And don't EVER let anyone play you like that. It's sad, it's horrifying, and it's wrong. Point blank, period.
It's not okay that it goes on and no one ends the cycle. We need to create a generation of actors and producers and shit who say no to that shit. Who call people out who do that shit and end this horrible cycle of the casting couch being the way.
That's all I'll comment, haha, I'm done. Random discussion.
It's these stories in volumes that can't be denied. Just... Craziness.
It's at this time I would like to thank my spirit guides and God and everyone for making sure I didn't go down any of those paths. And to thank myself for listening to my gut and intuition and keeping my soul safe. First and foremost.
I am so, so thankful I got the fuck out when I did. So thankful.
We really do need to change the way it all is. It's not okay. It needs to stop. Hopefully, some day soon, it will.
I'd like to see the industry's standards and practices change in my lifetime but... We'll see.
And I mean even Roseanne has came out and said a lot of things regarding tons of issues.
One video below:
I have a hard time not believing her. She's Roseanne, and she gives no fucks. One of the many reasons I love her.
She's funny, too.
Anyways, this was random as shit.
Enjoy the randomness!
Peace and Love, friends.