Saturday, March 26, 2016

Suicide, Batkid & my children.

Jared. You sorry son of a bitch you. 


Ya know, I really envy people who don't see something anywhere - at any time - and are rocketed back to a tragedy. 

Suicide is the death. It's the murder of ones self, the murder of a brother or friend or son or daughter or whatever. It's a graphic, gruesome murder.

That's really the bottom line of what it is.

It's the caskets and funerals, parents and siblings and who can't stand and breathe and think. 

It's identifying bodies and picking out clothes and having to make phone calls telling people they killed themselves. It's explaining why and how, and passing out notes and constantly reliving the pain by explaining it.

In Jared's case, it was a jump off a 10 story building that left his body bruised, broken and mangled in an open casket. 

I don't know how many times I've typed about this. It'll never end. That's suicide, too. A pain that never ends. 

For me being who I am, it's anger. Just pure rage. They understand, people who know me understand that about me. For me, a woman who wasn't ever allowed to cry or emote, I turned to self injury as a way of releasing any emotion. Now, at almost 30, I'm relearning emotions. But most often, instead of tears or sadness, my brain and body goes right to anger. I skip sadness and move into rage. 

I wasn't ever given a space for sadness. Anger and rage? Fists flying and cursing? Absolutely. Anything else? No. 

....I don't even know what to say. I just hate him especially. Jared, I am more angry with. He fucking knew better. He watched me mourn Kyles suicide. He held me and told me it would all be okay. He asked about his parents and if I ever needed anything. He promised me he wouldn't do that, he wouldn't kill himself. 

He didn't just kill himself... He fucking mutilated himself. 

And we all had to see that. 

Do I find upset with his parents for the open casket? No. That's what suicide is, and that's what people should see. I support that. 

It saved lives that day, I promise you that. Like a reality check. A slap in the face. 

A lesser version of myself, a me that hadn't already battled addiction on my own, a me that hadn't fought the systematic harassment and sexualization of women in her dream career and came out alive and safe, a me that hadn't already rescued my soul from my own depression and suicide attempt... Shouldn't have made it. Shouldn't be here.

My best friend in this entire world, the man who knew me better than anyone else, who I loved like a fucking brother, my friendship soulmate - Kyle - killed himself not a year before. That should have destroyed me. It did, but not in the classical sense. 

Getting the phone call, being at his parents home when they came home from identifying him, holding his family members, being a part of the actual death/funeral process... For my best friend in the world... Should have kicked my ass.

Then, a year later, Jared - the second closest person to me, the second closest friend I've ever had - jumps off a building.

No one can ever tell me what they meant to me. No one can ever understand how much I loved them. I knew they were both deeply kind, compassionate, sensitive. Not the typical man crippled with toxic masculinity. That's one of the many reasons I loved them so much. 

I would have done anything for them. Anything. 

You know that song 'My N***a'? The remix with Lil'Wayne? Wayne's part, the beginning? That's how I felt about them. I would have lied, died, took a bullet, anything. If anyone had messed with them... Lord be with you. Because they were my people. They were my heart. They were good people who cared and were too kind to defend themselves. They would have done anything for anyone else, too. So... Lord be with you if you stepped to my boys wrong. 

And they're gone. By their own hand.

It's so upsetting, painful. Every time I try and track back why I sometimes realize I feel so lost (especially with career stuff) it always comes back to their suicides. 

Anyways... A topic on the literal opposite side of that pain...

The BEST film I've seen in the last, eh, 8 years (seriously) I saw today. 

I think it was brought to my attention because I very badly needed to see it. 

'Batkid Begins' on Netflix.

It was really uplifting. A very deep #FaithInHumanityRestored.

That is what I want my life to be. I really do. That kind of peace and compassion and kindness that everyone gave Miles. From every corner of the earth, I really do. 

In the first 2 mins I was in happy tears. That NEVER happens. Never. 

THAT is a film that was worth the budget. The time. The hours. The distribution. The advertising (which I never saw)... It was worth every woman hour, ever man hour, every second in an editing bay.... It was really truly amazing. 

Personally, I'd never heard of that. The event for Miles, I didn't ever hear about it. But my gosh, I wish I could have. To have been able to contribute to something that meaningful... That's my entire heart, it really is. To give as many places a piece of my heart that I can. 

We only hear about those big stories, but anywhere... All of the places... Giving is so wonderful.

The massive coverage it received was so necessary. To bring peace and love and hope and joy into not just Miles and his family, but everyone else.

The sheer kindness and giving and love poured to this event and this child was overwhelming. To just watch, it had me in tears multiple times. Wow. It's very rarely that things that beautiful come across our TV in any form. 

It was truly the most useful compilation of time and money toward making a cinematic piece I've ever seen. 

I got the joy of tweeting with the filmmaker and the man who played Penguin for Miles, and I extended the most warmth I could short of a physical in person hug. God Bless the dream team at Make-A-Wish, and the amazing filmmaker for bringing the same compassion and kindness in Mile's story to millions. 

And tonight I am particularly full of gratitude. My cat Harvey, he's a Maine Coon so he's huge and super hairy. Every so often he gets sick with furballs and it takes a toll. 

My animals are my children. I mean that with every ounce of seriousness. I adopted them when they were the size of my hand, raised them, take them to doctor appointments, play with them, snuggle, live their lives. They are my kids. Period. I would in all seriousness (as crazy as it may sound) give my life for them. People say 'they're just pets' or 'they're just cats'... When I look at them, I see a soul. A living, breathing, feeling, sentient being. A soul that looks back at me and knows I'm their mom. I take care of them. They trust me, they love me. We belong to each other.

A huge anxiety problem I do battle is with my cats. My first baby, Cuddles, passed away from kidney failure. Common in cats. She was 15, so she lived her life. She was the cat. My cat. I named her when I got her when I was 8. When she passed, she was the first animal I had that I lost. I didn't really understand the gravity or pain until after she was gone. 

It was the absolute worst pain in this world. Animals always hit me harder than human things. I think it's because they're so innocent. At all times. Yes, even the ones you think are assholes (it's humans that make them assholes, or you're just an asshole and they're responding to your asshole vibe, that's how they work). They vibe off pure energy, can't talk, and can't really defend themselves against big mean humans or whatever else.

I always think (sometimes) what I could have done differently. I find reasons to blame myself for her passing, and even 8 years later... It still hurts. Very deep.

So my PTSD, if you will, transferred onto my cats. Luna and Harvey. My babies now. Cuddles took care of me, now I take care of them. 

Every move I analyze. Are they okay? What are they eating? Is something in their mouth? How did they jump off their perch? Are they hurt? Are they limping? Is their food the best? Everything. I get up and go check on them at least 50 times a day if they're sleeping... It's, possibly borderline problematic for me and my psychology. 

But, I find it so tiring that when I do have real human children I will have done all the excessive worrying and it's a human who can generally speak and I don't have to try and shove in a crate in a panic if something happens. Easier, in some respects. Humans are readable. Animals are hard.

Last night Harvey came to find me, as he always does when he's sick, and laid with me. I give him water every hour, he lays on my head and cries until he pukes up a furball. It's not often, but every time it scares the absolute deepest hell out of me. 

Usually, he's fine and up again bouncing around when I wake up.

Not today.

He slept all day, didn't eat or get up. I tried giving him water and he threw it up, which he never does (I know dehydration is the biggest danger for cats when they're sick), I was in a panic. 

I cried, I prayed, I put on healing music, did reiki, laid out crystals, everything. 

Finally, about a half hour ago, I heard him crying. I ran to find him and he was sitting in front of his food bowl (which I tried to get him to eat from twice today) like, "Mom, I'm hungry." 

Then, after he ate, he ran to my room and jumped up on the bed. Laying down on his favorite stuffed animal (Scooby). 

I cried, I thanked every power there is in the sky, and at that moment of just gratitude I felt Angels all around me. Light beings. Arms on my shoulders and back, whispering to me, "He'll be fine" and "You're not in charge of sicknesses anyways, not your lessons". Basically, animals are still souls. Yes, under my care, but they have their learning and stuff to do here too. And they have lessons in sicknesses and challenges if you will just like us.

But, they supported me. Held me up. Thanked me for thanking them.

When Luna was a baby, I got her her shots. Turned out, she's allergic to the rabies shot. 

That... That, was horrifying. But miraculous at the same time.

She's a 24/7, 365 indoor cat. So one of their other doctors said its not important or even necessary she gets those shots. I don't like shots in animals anyways really. They're so small and, indoor so, why? No point. Humans have a better immune system than animals, and even shots for humans do lots of damage (depending).

She wouldn't move, wouldn't eat, nothing. I took her to my parents house and just laid with her on the floor crying. After 24 hours of her not even lifting her head, being so hot I could feel heat radiating off of her without touching her, I called archangel Michael and begged him to heal her. Help her. I couldn't loose another baby, I just couldn't.

Needless to say I feel asleep lodged between the wall and the bed (small space) with my arm under the bed around Luna. Crying. Makeup everywhere. 

I woke up to no Luna. 

Good sign. At least she moved. 

I felt a deep peace inside of myself, and knowing Archangel Michael is in fact real (never seen him, just heard him once) knew he came and saved the day. 

I went to find her and she was in my parents living room window, watching the squirrels. 

I had to go to work on some film a couple cities away, and all day my Mom was texting me photos of her in the cat tree they have for them and eating and videos of her chirping at birds. 

My heart just soared. 

Everyone in my family admitted to me afterward they were very afraid. She was super, super sick. 

That was a fucking miracle.

God, I love the Angels.

The hardest part is knowing that deep inside me some day their time will come. I don't even want to type it or talk about it, but that's what happens to every being. They eventually return to spirit.

I hope it's when they're super old, and it's very natural and peaceful and calm. 

Animals do have it better don't they? As far as animals that are sick or at the end of their lives. They don't have to suffer with pains and sicknesses. They don't. They can basically be given laughing gas and get to return peacefully. 

How nice, right?

That's marvelous.

No pain, no suffering. Even say if an animal had cancer they won't survive, they don't have to deal with all kinds of shit like people do. They're not obligated to suffer. They get to return before it gets horrible.

That's the least that can be done for such beautiful, magical souls. Sylvia Browne said she's convinced animals are the closest thing to Angels we'll ever see and experience life with on this planet. And my God do I agree. 

They're little angels with fur.

But, my babies are young. They're only 7 so they have long, healthy lives ahead of them. God willing. Dear God, that is so and I say it is. Angels help me, lol.

I'm just full of gratitude tonight. 

Beyond Jared and Kyle being fucks, that beautiful film and Harvey's healing tonight is the absolute perfect way to end this gorgeous day. 

What a blessing, right? That we're all allowed to think and feel and enjoy each day with so many other beautiful souls.

Life is truly amazing. 


Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Pointless Commentary

I've already mentioned that I've seen almost all but the last season 5 of 'Ghost Whisperer' on Netflix, right? 

I'm very irritated. 

I feel like Melinda has been doing this shit so long that she doesn't have a reason to be clueless about as much as she is. 

At any point she can pick up the computer and contact other sensitives and mediums from around the world. 

Also, I'm in the middle of all this 'shadow' talk. When yes, in real life their concept of shadow people and things is still very real... It is not realistic that they wouldn't ever take any control or possession over a watcher (the shows equivalent to guardian angels or guides). 

There is no way that could ever or would ever happen. Period. Yes, they can take on different people (look like someone you trust), but the actual person? No. Never. 

& really, I don't understand how Bedford and Carl have warned her and she's still acting like she doesn't know better. 

And in this weird alternate reality of hybrid type guides meet guardian angels, & when they can be possessed by shadow shit... I would be a lot more careful and picky about the people and stuff happening around my kid. 

And me.

I mean don't get me wrong, I've had a spiritual nudge - if you will - to help or chat with one or two people in my day that I don't know. Knowing I'd probably be seen as bat shit crazy... I did it anyways. I couldn't take it anymore. It was a them coming to me thing, not the other way around. 

So that, I get. I get passing something along. Even still, I feel some types of nudges from one spirit in particular... But, I'm leaving it alone. Not my fucking business. My motto? Not my monkeys, not my circus. 

Even from a place of sanity and common sense... Give what you can, that's it. Then move along. Someone tells you to fuck off... Fuck off! They don't want your help, their loss. 

Also, why hasn't she cursed someone out yet? I'd have already rocked a good handful of these people. Not to mention given some very adult words to ghosts. 

I don't understand why this huge decision needs to be made here. Episode  21 Season 5. Like, really? Why such a huge 'what do we do' with Aiden? 

In this alternate weird rewritten spirit world, I would just stop talking to a majority of ghosts and leave shit alone. That would keep that shit away from everyone. Don't need to change who he is, he can just mind his own business like I would. I would have already been minding my business so I doubt most of these problems would have ever happened.

Wouldn't that help him? Aiden? I'd want my kid to be armed with power to see and be able to fight the shit. Not just pretend it isn't there. 

Man, I am thankful I'm no professional. I wouldn't want to even do the baby bit that I can do in that world.

Well then and there's the fact that I wouldn't let the shadow things win under any circumstance. I wouldn't bow, cave, change my kid, nothing. I'd get so fucking mad that I would even be in the position to have to alter my kid to be someone other than who he is that I would pull out all the tricks. 

I'd wallpaper his room with tin foil if I had to until they went away. 

Also wise to continue to remind that yes, it's a show... But in reality, it's really much simpler and easier. 

And... Really... The shadows do exist. They do. They are also drawn to depression, anxiety, all kinds of negative emotions. They LOVE fear and self hate and shit. 

Jim is still consistently perfect. 

aaaand I love Carl. Normal, sane Carl. 

All this shadows shit is getting irritating though. 

Season 5 (still) episode 22, right before the 20:30 mark... When the shadows go into Aidens room and the light flashes and they leave right away... That, that is real. And that's more accurate. They exist, both sides do, but shadows can't ever possess anything of light. 


& the light is more prevalent regardless of 'free will' around children. They don't have an ego yet. When the ego begins developing as they get older, that allows for more and more free will. And with free will, light beings take a backseat and let you live. Less need to protect you constantly. 

Unless, of course, you request. Free will.

And people who can do this, sensitives of any kind or level, are super easily taken over by darkness if they don't understand and acknowledge the light. 

That's real. Happens more than most would believe. With suicides and addictions... Usually highly sensitive people adapting energy and emotions from so many directions (earth and beyond) that they can't filter or energetically process anything, and it registers as anxiety or depression or whatever. Some go to numbing it with addictions... Or even just occupying their minds some other unhealthy way that draws more negative energy to them and BAM. Clinical Depression. 

That may take away from the ever popular 'it's a disease not a temporary problem', but... *shrug* ...I don't live to give anything but positivity a permanent residence anywhere in or around me, so I personally choose not to believe that. 

And, I've lived on the other side of what should have been a permanent clinical depression. So... Whatevs!

And it's over. 

Show. Done. 

What a shit ending.

I mean compared to most it was fine, I mean in the sense that there wasn't really any closure other than the shadows and shiny things. 

But I can also assume from a story perspective... How many other places could they go from there that they haven't gone yet? Just follow Aiden as he grows up, or...? 

I've observed that usually when children get introduced into a show, it tanks. Or, it's at its end. If it isn't already a family show (Disney or something) and is a show more geared toward a different demographic (like not a kids show and not on Disney, not even like ABC family... Some of those shows are mainly teens so that's close enough to kids. Not like two adults who have their own homes out of school or anything being the central focus), the demographic that's been watching the show is often so far from the new kids age that it's not relatable anymore. Or, stories focus on that kid and the demographic that was watching before for however long gets bored. 

I mean unless it's some Walking Dead stuff and you give kids guns or whatever. Mix them into the older demographic that's reflected in the cast members. Blend the lines between what a kids doing and the adults are doing.

In a non sexual way I should hope. Depending on the kids age, I guess. Or what the already established demographic would consider young for that show. But, then again, considering the specific show, there have been casting calls for people over 18 that look young like 14 to have graphic sex scenes. Knew that happened, but it was reminded to me in this horrible casting call video thing on YouTube. 

That type of sick perversion is usually held for the HBO type shows. Not necessarily them specifically, but that type- the ones that are really without ratings and require network subscriptions. 

It isn't usually too long after an already established shows adult couple has a kid and the ratings start going down. I don't think it's necessarily a reflection of demographics finding family issues or family things boring... Just the central focuses on the stories and plots. They change, and don't mirror the shows history like an audience is used to. So, slippage.

That's my educated guess, anyways. 

And I'm bored and now without something to do so I'm babbling. 

That was some random ass commentary. 

They need to bring that show back...

...aaannndddd cast me as her long lost sister or cousin who happens to have some of some kind of 'gift' as well. 

That would be epic. 

Nice show too. Focused on the story and message of the story and storyline - plot as a whole, not trashy random and useless sexualization and shit. 

...& actually, why is Eli not speaking? 

I remember they (him and Jlove) were dating a time. Did they break up and refuse to speak or be in scenes together or something? 

Something actually wrong with his mouth? I'm a curious person. 

Weird. Odd choice, but for the dentist office scene - very clever. 

It's pretty interesting how 'clean' jlove's energy and general spirit is. Generally child actors either get destroyed (drugs, creepy Hollywood people molesting and shit) or they manage to stay healthy human beings. Or, a weird middle ground. 

Her energy seems super nice and really pure. Just the person she is. Reminds me of Ashley Gray's personality/energy. Very sweet and kind. It's an interesting parallel when she gets really mean and nasty in this episode. That's such a sign of a I guess well worked child actor. Energetically, to me anyways. She always plays such nice, kind people and she cries and is emotional all the time... But can still be mean and evil and have you believe it. 

That's usually much less convincing in people (actors) with a type of disrupted spirit. In a way, acting (this is all from a spirit/energetic feels standpoint, no class or proof or article) is very much about who you already are and what you already have to work with. 

Like... If I ask someone to act in a scene where Russian is required... If you don't speak it, you're fucked. You can learn, you can mimick people's accents, but it's not authentic. 

She can be super nice and sweet and loving and kind (primarily), but also again get nasty and evil. It's nothing that's overly 'switched'. Very natural, both ways. Usually, that's not the case. It's a little too much one way or the other. The 'too much' side is usually the one they're not comfortable or familiar with. Inside. 

She's so seamless and clean in transition without getting cartoonish, that's a good soul sign really. Like she can touch it, and not adapt it. 

For people who were child actors, it is like a consistent string of 'playing pretend'. That's the notion they grew up with. So these classes and insane hard work we do as adults to get there, child actors (healthy ones) don't have when they grow up. They aren't in the mind frame to 'figure someone else's psychology out'. They're mostly still in the 'relax and play pretend' still. Be you, but be sad or mad or angry or whatever. 

She's a great actress. I like watching her stuff too because I can learn. Or, I try to anyways. 

I feel bad she's had to go through so much sexualization through her life. Growing up and developing as a woman and the stuff that was said about her and her chest isn't okay. Even that makes it kind of surprising she's as centered as she is. I watched an interview with her some time ago where she talked about how on 'I Know What You Did Last Summer' the whole crew and stuff called it, 'I Know What Your Boobs Did Last Summer'. Not okay. She just smiles and laughs it off. I wouldn't have been so nice. And really, that's not okay. 

She talked somewhere else about revealing outfits on GW and I don't think they really were. Not for the most part. She said it was all about ratings, her outfits. That's not okay either. That's never okay. But, I don't know... I have her body type. So, I know regardless what you put me personally in... To an extent, it'll be 'revealing' no matter what. A normal t-shirt is now something sexy because it happens to be a V-neck, and I happen to have D-cups. Now it's not the wardrobes fault... It's media, and other people hyper-sexualizing my body for being the way it is. 

Unless she or anyone like that wears hoodies all the time... Somehow it's now sexy or revealing because of the chest we have that we can't hide. Or cover up. And then, it's exploited in some way/shape/form and used for ratings or whatever. 

She handles it well. From what I've seen. Good for her. 

Men often ask 'how do we tell if a woman has fake boobs or whatever' - easy. Usually, most of the time... A vast majority of the time... Real boobs come with hips and curves. Maybe not a big or perfect butt, but there is one. There's equivalent weight in her thighs too. And she's got some type of stomach. Maybe not big, but she's got one. Never have I ever seen any woman's body or known any woman (including myself) who has natural boobs and curves to ever have some super small stomach. Ever. That's unnatural. Or, to have really skinny legs. Also, it's common knowledge that fake boobs don't move. They can wear tops with like 0 straps and support and no bras and their boobs are all up and perky. That isn't normal. Real boobs move and need bras. 

But, of course, any woman who gets implants and surgery is a woman in my opinion who has believed what the media has told her about her body. It wasn't good enough somehow, for whatever reason. She believed down the line somewhere and heard often enough that she's not good enough because she's too small or flat or whatever. Which is never accurate. All bodies are good bodies. Self esteem reasons? Sure. Usually are. But that sucks when someone didn't feel perfect and beautiful without it. Sad. 

Back to Jlove, I suppose. 
(Like I ever stay on a topic... HAHA!)

& she's got a very loving and warm energy. Like, she's someone who you could take your tears and she'd snuggle you and make you feel better. Good friend. She's got good vibes. 

& the good vibes of the most 'light' person (her in this case) hold the tone of the set. In my experience anyways. Or, the biggest douchebag. Since she executive produced lots of episodes, shel did more there than just act. That's always been the kind of sets I strive to work on. The people I aspire to work with. Good people. Good vibin' people who keep everything really fun and relaxed. 

#NoFlexZone *haha*

Or Jim Carrey. I don't know where that came from, but him too. Not that he's a child actor, he can just bounce between. He's on the other side of the spectrum because he started out and primarily does comedy. Usually, very comedic people house very dark pasts or emotions. Kind of like they're scared to acknowledge them. But when they do, it's scary. And very, very good acting. Because most of the time it's the closest thing to how they really feel or what's really going on (or had gone on) inside. 

Robin Williams was excellent at that, too. He had demons, obviously, but when he was light he shined it brighter than some may say was necessary (comedy) to overdo the dark. For himself and others. But when he had space for real deep stuff or dark stuff, it was alarming. Very great acting, but for the soul? Eh... Debatable. 

More babbling. 

Good to know this whole post is a bored, pointless commentary. 


Sunday, March 20, 2016

Makeup, ghosts & Ancient Greece!

Selfie Sunday is today. Let's take a look at my sexy ass... 

That's me!

& no, I don't always look that way because #effyourbeautystandards. Seriously. They're fucked up.

But when that lighting is right and I'm feelin' myself, yaaassss.

Plus, it's always good to have self esteem. Which I never used to have. Loving myself completely is still relatively new, so kiss my beautiful ass if you don't like it. 

I always like to mention to the (sadly) thousands of self conscious teenage girls or younger girls who look at my photos and try to compare themselves and shit... Don't. Also, one of the fun facts about me that I hide and don't really talk about is that I'm a professional makeup artist. 

I'm serious. Schooling and everything. 

I really wasn't kidding when I said I wanted to be able to do absolutely everything on a film set myself. I have tons of licenses and certificates and shit. 

I use to do makeup for films when I was first starting and between jobs at different places to make ends meet. Mostly film sets. I put an abrupt stop to that when I realized they weren't calling me for auditions anymore... Just to do makeup and stuff. So, I wanted to disassociate myself and only be seen as an actress. Hence why I never talk about it. 

I have so many fucking licenses and shit you'd probably be shocked. 

...I'm a very serious learner.

So, no, don't expect yourselves to look the same way unless you dedicate yourself to learning how. You don't need school or classes these days. YouTube is just fine.

I've always found it fun. Makeup. Not necessary, just fun. 

There's some shit I don't like. 

Eyebrows wasn't some huge thing when I was doing makeup for real. Either was contouring. The fuck did that weirdness come fro--- fucking media. 

I never liked caking foundation and shit all over myself. Airbrushed or not. I'm consistently a rebel, and don't like using brushes... Not really. Don't have like any.

So, yeah. There's that fun fact. 

Also since I did it for so long, it's like I was expected to look some type'a way 24/7. Or because I can do that at all. I feel like I spent a majority of my life in a full face of makeup every single day. 

Now... I'm really happy not doing anything when I'm not doing anything. 

Analyzing what I thought was fun versus what I felt like I had to do was interesting. There was a time I wouldn't even go to the corner store or something small without a full face and some awesome outfit. 

Like really?

These days, sweats and no makeup. Deal or don't, I don't care. 

Really it's ALL about self love. All of life is. 

I still like playing with it when I'm bored, and if you don't have good lighting you're fucked in whatever photo period, but... It never defines you. Please, please believe that. 

And yes I have had the ignorant dudes who make backhanded and offensive comments about the lack of makeup when they saw me somewhere looking this way or on my Facebook or Instagram I look that way. Even fans from shit I've done or followers online or audience members who come out and see an indie I've done, then say see me around the corner the next morning at Starbucks or Biggby.

I always say, "I'm a human being, not some photoshopped robot."

As always, at the end of the day, love yourself. Nothing in the world anyone ever says will ever even make you batt an eye if you don't care about it. 

That's the damn truth. 

PS: My Grandma is doing better. 

I don't know if this is one of those 'they're better before its worse' things, but... For now, she's better. 

So that's good!

In ghost news:

Did I mention the lady I had that cave dream about is someone who is a spirit friend of a medium friend?

I described her and the dream to her. She died in a car accident. Don't understand the cave part, but yeah.

Also, she told me about another dream I had back in 2009. Did I mention this? Apparently back in the day there was this serial killer in Michigan. Called the Michigan Murders. There was a girl found in a barn... And, yeah, that was basically my dream. There were lots of little details that matched that I won't go into, but for years I had no idea what the hell that dream meant.

It was like some hybrid cross between another incident, but that's all.

We also were in a building (medium friend, she's a professional) and I. I went to go to the bathroom and heard some woman laughing. No one was anywhere.

I come out and say, "Hey, can I ask you a question?" to my friend.

She says, "Did you see the woman?"

"No. But I heard her laughing in the bathroom."

She laughed. "Yeah, that's her."

Nice. At least I know that was legit and where it came from. Nice to not be confused.

She later helped me find the insane light switch. That wasn't audible, but intuitive. And I asked her, haha.

Oh how fun, right?!

That's about all on my front.

Some other production things are turning a new direction. Other series that were planned and stuff. Keeping all positive, but... Eh, I thought this was the group. 

Still got love for them and everything. Just really hard when my definition of hark work is different than so many other people's.

Keep searching! That's all!

Taking on even more day by day on my own. Doing more and just accepting it'll be 95% me and me alone. That's okay! It won't be forever, and I can do it!

I really miss and hate Kyle and Jared right now. If they were still alive and still working toward their dreams, we would all have common dreams and be able to continue our work together. 

I wouldn't be so badly stuck right now. 

I wouldn't be so fucking overloaded in work and running in constant circles and different directions trying to figure it out. Or find people who were as serious and passionate as I am. They were.

Ugh. Grief. Deep sadness. Pain. Loss.

Comes in waves.

I hit that wave just now. 

Happens less often now, but... We just all had plans. For ourselves and with each other. They were the only people I even trusted in this career 100%, and they're gone. 

Fucking suicide.

There'll never be another Kyle or Jared.

I hate them for leaving me to do this all completely by myself. They promised me they wouldn't leave me here alone to do all this shit. Alone.

I'm going to try dream meeting them tonight so I can curse them out. I feel the need.

And one of them (or both maybe) were standing right next to me for a solid 2 mins last night. Probably Kyle, because it was this OVERWHELMING cologne smell. So much so that I couldn't even ever smell anything.

That's how I felt when Kyle would spray that fucking Axe body spray shit.

He would even close all the doors and windows and lock them in his car and spray it. Just to piss me off.

I miss that douchebag. So much. Every day. 

Fuck the both of them.

New Moon tonight. Sage or meditate?

Oh, and in that Netflix movie by the girl and her team that was a fan of David Lynch and then he produced called 'My Beautiful Broken Brain' (yes that was unnecessarily descriptive because I want you to know how awesome DL is), the colors on the sides of her right eye is EXACTLY what happened to me! That's energy!

When I saw the edits of if and even heard her describe it... I flipped. 

That is legit EXACTLY what was happening to me. But it was lots of white lights, too. Primarily white in shade or tone. I don't know how to describe it.

But exact same. 

Oh it irritated the living fuck out of me. Thank god it's gone. That one is at the top of my gratitude journal every day I tell you what. 

You should watch that documentary. It's good. I love documentaries. 

I'm going to go watch some kind of BBC history channel type thing about Ancient Greece right now.


Saturday, March 19, 2016

Commentary & Thoughts

I have said this multiple times, and I will repeat it...

...can we make Jim Clancy real, and can I marry him? Please?

Throw in some Sinatra, which he's already got kind of... I'll even take the longer hair, it's fine. 

I re-watch shows that I trust. Re-watching Ghost Whisperer. I never got past season 4 really, so I'm properly finishing it.

Jim Clancy is perfect.

I'm in episode 7 of season 5, and I can say two things:

1) I'd be very compelled to take my ass up to that hospital and force that douchebag doctor to apologize to my husband.

2) I have been saying to myself, "why don't you just go ask Carl" for the last, eh, 3-4 episodes now, & she's just now doing it. 

3) I feel that lots of parental common sense has escaped the writers this season. Lots of questions and conversations from Melinda to Aiden that I would assume should be 'duh' aren't present. 

4) Jim is consistently perfect.

5) JLH is fucking gorgeous. 

You're welcome. 

& PS: there's lots of editing errors in season 1 of this show. It's interesting from a working perspective to rewatch and learn that way. I love learning. & doing this shit is the only way I feel like I can continue to improve, I've crossed every other bridge there is to learn from thus far. 

Life shall bring me more!

You should watch movies and series with me. I'm very entertaining. 

So I watched 'My Beautiful Broken Brain' on Netflix. David Lynch is my new hero.

This girl who had a stroke and documented her learning how to read and write again reached out to David Lynch because she's a fan and her new brain and perception reminded her of him and his films and thought he'd find it interesting, one filmmaker to another. 

And what did he do?!

He met with her, aaannndddd...


Standing ovation for that man. Wow. 

That's amazing. What a beautiful soul.

I mean... Wow. That's amazing. I think all aspiring filmmakers dream of someone believing in us that way, giving us any kind of chance that way. 

I aspire to be able to do that for aspiring filmmakers one day. I really do. From putting it somewhere to being able to be in something or help write, help them find it, whatever. Whatever help I'm able to give I will be doing that one day. 

That really made my heart sing. Like, wow... That's amazing. There are good people still out there willing to help people in positions like we are. That's beautiful. 

Okay, stop - pause - lets go to Melinda and Carl on 'Ghost Whisperer'. 

Season 5, episode 7 same one. It's on Netflix. Everyone can find it so turn on your TVs, sign in, turn it on and follow along... 

Fast forward to 8 mins, 17 seconds. 

If you haven't watched and haven't read my other ramblings on here about the show... Yes, this show was created by real practicing mediums. James Van Praagh (spelling?) is a real, living, working, legit medium. Every medium friend I have co-signs that show.

There's some things that aren't real and are done because, duh, TV show and ratings and keeping a show interesting and shit (like no spirit ever crosses over and then doesn't come back, the dying is basically the crossing over unless there's trauma and shit but that's a whole other discussion) - but...

Carl, who she's talking to, they call 'watcher' on the show. That in real life is a guardian angel, or a spirit guide. 

In real life, Carl is basically the spirit we all have around. He's a guide or an angel. Often angels are the 'shiny' people Aiden talks about and guides take on human form (because they were), but for the sake of the show they're for whatever reason rolled into one.

Melinda's talk with Carl is like 99.99% of every conversation I have with my guides. Business guides. Life helpers. 

They can't interfere with free will (unless life or death type thing), and they do replicate the 'spirit rules' very well. They absolutely can not interfere really. They can give a little more than that, but Carl reminds me of Lucy. She does that stuff to me. 

Won't really tell, but hint. Be sporadic and shit. 

Watch it, take a look. That is a pretty damn real thing, that relationship. Carl is awesome though, love him. 

And while you watch, think of how awesome it would be for me and j-love to play sisters somewhere. I mean come on we look too related to not take advantage of that. 

You may go watch now. 





And when Carl leaves oh man that's legit. That's when I am like, "AWH COME ON!"

Dreams usually. And I'm usually mad at myself. 

Still. They don't like to meddle, and the more they override your free will - the more it's considered meddling. 

"Teachers show you where to look, not what to see."

I'll put another plea out into the world... 


I want everything she's worn. And it would basically fit, since we're basically the same size (last time I checked). I mean where it matters anyways. I'm like a half inch shorter and more hippy, bigger in general, but whatever it'll fit. 

...and can someone please tell me why she's on a pole? Because that vision couldn't have been had any differently? 

Those types of dreams are too legit tho. 

More about this specific episode? 

The shadows they talk about are very real. They exist. I've seen several. 

BUT - 

To build storyline and shit, of course, they omit the fact that light makes shadows disappear. Calling Angels instantly or even asking for light - shadow can't exist without light. Medium friend (Wendy) told me that one, & it's true. Just like a flashlight. 

They literally can't exist. And just because the majority of shadow beings are exactly that bad doesn't mean they all are.

Like one of mine was meant to scare me off from spirit just enough so I didn't spend all my time talking to them and not dealing with the real world. 


Holy shit, Jim is doing magic. 
(Episode 8 now)

Kyle use to do magic. When he was little. He even got to go into the Magic Castle in California. I've wanted to go back so bad, to meet any spirit there and of course for Kyle in his memory. 

The simple statement "lots of married couples hate each other" is a horrifying reflection of the state of most peoples minds and expectations. Or, most importantly, a sad reflection of their self esteem and how they think of themselves. 


Seriously, J-love and I would make one convincing ass pair of siblings. Fuck even cousins. 

I'd be a stand in. Did I mention that my family and all my friends made me send my shit to her while I was living in California to be her stand in? Didn't work, but, oh well. There's always bigger and better!

Also, question... Who the hell shares a thing of - what - peas...? Like they're fries? 

'Famous' people I guess. 

Hardy har. 

Now I'm just bored and typing random shit.

I remember when I was young and like first was in California (& before I really got the spirit side even the slightest of my life) I toured the Ghost Whisperer set. Pretty cool stuff. LOOOONG time ago. Feels like it anyways. 

God, I am so happy I'm home. Michigan is really the best. 

Peace and joy. It's lovely. 

I'm done now.


Wednesday, March 16, 2016

"He wanna say shit that make me think he gon' rape me if I don’t stay..."

"Hey now Tech, you know I've been the type
To not go all in, on hoes I've been around
But the flow I spit gets hoes all in the zone
That I won’t talk shit but oh my damn they wrong
And these men calling in, wonder if imma get with a little dick
They got no common sense and with no college in
They position, is probably something insignificant
If you think I’m a bitch 'cause I probably miss the game you kick it even
Hovering, hope by acknowledging
'Cause I’ve been methodically droppin the common knowledge that I don’t get down like that
Now they be houndin' a bitch to probably get with a trick or a treat
'Cause they dogs and they all gon' bark like that
I'm killin' the game, killin' the game, killin' the game
So he feeling me, he wanna bang
I wanna wait so he get at me
He wanna say shit that make me, think he gon' rape me if I don’t stay
'Cause I got that sickening style, that built me a crowd
And men and women feeling me now and it’s freaking me out
'Cause I'm just here to figure it out and what this is about
But I’mma say it’s getting so wild that it’s tripping me out
‘'Cause I’m like here to kill their morale, just kill all these sounds
But lately when I spit to a crowd these men just reach out
And they tell me that they women is down, they getting aroused
And they be tryna give me they child, with a gin & a smile
They say they wanna (fuck)"

- Snow Tha Product // So Dope (They Wanna)

(Snow's verse is at the end)

** To me, it says a hell of a lot that they kept that verse in the song (with the content of the majority of it) and they gave her a throne and stuff in the video. & they stood behind her & kept those shots in the video, didn't have her change what she was wearing... Applause. 

Sunday, March 13, 2016

Candid Casting Calls ** MUST SEE!

If you own a television.

If you own a smartphone. 

If you know any men.

If you know any women. 

If you have a mom.

If you have sisters. 

If you've ever watched a movie,

seen a play,

or watched a TV show... MUST watch this. 



This is the shit people had to go through to be seen on that show/movie/stage. 

You should know. 

Candid Casting Calls:

& this,

Real Casting Calls:

You may watch those and think, "Well yeah, there's a movie or show I've watched where that wasn't like that" - but, was it really?

I also REALLY challenge the age gaps that happens between genders. A general TV cast in 2016 is either everyone the same age (young think Disney, old think Law and Order), or - prime time - usually men of all ages (20-60), and women between the ages of 18-30. 

And I know you've seen 40+ year old men paired with 20-somethings. But please let me know if you've ever seen the opposite... 40+ women with 20 something man (in a storyline that is taken seriously, & isn't 'risqué'). 

You haven't. 

*chucks a deuce* 

Cults & Transitions

First I guess I'll start with this dream I had last night. 

As usual, right? 

So I was with other people in this dark place. A house that had dark brick or Boulder like bricks, or some kind of enormous cave. 

Someone asked for someone to appear, and I heard, "I'm over here."

I look over against the far wall and I see a female spirit, early to mid 30s, blonde hair a little past her shoulders, wearing a baggy black jumper (I described it as 'jumper' earlier today and realized I'd said jumper and not sweatshirt like I usually do, so maybe a hint?), and jeans. Maybe capris. She had her hands half way in her pockets, leaning up against the wall with one of her knees bent and her foot resting on the wall. 

I just saw her outline. A faint, transparent type of version of her. Same way we all see anyone else. Then, she was gone. 

I said, "Was she wearing a black jumper?"

Someone in this group answered me, "That's what she was found in."

Someone else said, "can you see her?"

I pointed toward the far wall and walked over. Everyone followed me.

I couldn't see her anymore but I could hear her. 

We had a discussion about something, to which I have no recollection. As fucking usual. But, spirit knows I want no part in any types of 'she was found in this' things, so I'm sure those specific parts in that specific fragment of my dream were omitted via my previous requests. 

Thank God. 

That type of shit freaks me out, and I just don't want to be responsible for that kind of information. Ever. 

That's it on the dream front!

In other news... 

I am excited, a baby but nervous and then really excited again. 

So we all know men's groups are cults, right? Good, good. That's common fucking sense. As are women's groups. We're not talking about marching down the street with your gender for equal pay or to say 'no means no' when 50+ women on your college campus have been raped and nothing has been done about it... 

...I'm talking about the creepy 'selling happiness' shit. How they find depressed, sad men who have been negatively affected by toxic masculinity and probably very smart (it's the smart ones to watch out for, we all know this), were picked on in school, shy, sensitive... And they tell them they'll have a 'brotherhood' and spend weekends in the woods being brainwashed but calling it other things like 'releasing your shadow self' - and of course - diddling each other. 

In men's groups there's almost ALWAYS a hidden homosexual recruitment agenda. Always. Look that up. Tons of hidden and 'removed' forums on Rick Ross' Cult Education pages about all of them, plus endless support groups for sexually molested/abused &/or confused men coming out of these men's groups. Or, just abuse period. 

Doesn't really happen in women's groups. Not the homosexual shit or the abuse (that I've read or found in research anyways) but it's more emotionally crippling (since that's a female way to create dependency) and... Well, just as false. 

There have been tons of men and women out of both gender groups of cult things that have done videos, posted all types of 'non disclosure agreements' and supposed 'hidden training manuals' of all kinds on cult forums and shit. They are fucking terrifying. 

You've got to be one depressed motherfucker to ever sign some type of NDA and fill out some personality thing, pay God knows how much money to 'be a brother' or 'be a sister' (but again this shit is mainly male focused and oriented, no coinsidence), carpool to the woods, be brainwashed (in ways they can't tell), get screamed at and 'de-shadowed' or whatever bullshit they call it, go through rituals, meditations, secret shit... It's just bad. All of it.


I have the lovely opportunity of going to a fucking Freemason building! 

A family friends cousins are having a baby, and some douchebag over on that side there is apparently a Mason. 

...Uhm... I have watched countless videos about these whack jobs. There are books written about that entire organization from men who have escaped (one called 'the deadly deception' I think?), other men have been murdered... It's fucking real, son. 

These weird, whacko tiny baby 'men's groups' or 'brothers' or 'brainwashed douchebags' groups are usually basically wannabe Mason's. 

There was some videos I watched on YouTube about these men's groups, and there was one man who just cracked me up (Bear-something. Go figure.), and he said back in like the 60s and shit maybe even before the intentions were good. He was older, and ya know what I'm sure he's right. Back in the day, the very first starts of this shit maybe had good intentions, but that's one thing every single person who has left or escaped any of the men's groups say that were older men and had been in for a really long time... "It wasn't like this, it started to change."

Every one talks about gay recruitment shit like getting bisexual men or sexually confused men and convincing them they're gay (coronation to the 'gay mafia' shit so many say is like what's up in Hollyweird? No clue, don't put anything past anyone, just entertaining to research), and the older men weren't comfortable with shit that was clearly brainwashing now and stuff. Just, tons of shit.

There are wives and kids being sucked into this fuckery. Some woman said one men's group took her two boys or something for some weekend and she flipped out. Boys came back and one had bruises and shit and said dad let them go somewhere with some dude and he was sexually assaulted. 

Secrets, documents and distance equals bad. Like that one 'how to be a cult leader' video, it applies to all of these. Give them a mission, call it a brotherhood, take a little truth and a lot of lies and pull it over the eyes of the ignorant and sad and friendless and upset. 


But yeah, so I got to go to the fucking Mason building! 


Just fucking creepy. 

I almost didn't go because of the fact it was held there. The last thing I fucking need is my curiosity getting the best of me and ending up as a feature story tomorrow for all of you on HLN or The Today Show because some group of dudes tried to do God knows what and this bitch wasn't having it. 

Side note, there were ENDLESS posts and shit from wives and girlfriends so horrified and negatively effected by the boyfriends and husbands who are in all kinds of cults like this on those forums. 


Yeah it was a trip. 

Really, aside from the creep creep vibes and some dude who I caught walking up to certain people with papers asking them if they'd consider joining (one woman with the presence of mind snatched the paper from her husband and tore it up, throwing it in the trash, and I asked her about it later) - it was basic. 

Probably the energy surrounding the shower being most prevalent. And for me, as I always say, it's hard to separate when there's tons of shit going on. 

The dude handing out applications to 'select dudes' was very creeptastic. He was emotionless, just staring at people like they were objects he wanted to get out of his house, like an old couch he couldn't stand to look at another second. Weird. 

But, that was mostly it. And I didn't stay for too long anyways. 

My Grandma has decided she's done with living and wants to return to spirit. 

Hospice has been called and everything. 

She's in her 90s, and she is still conscious and everything. We had a long discussion about it, as she also did with my parents, and she's just done. She's refusing to eat, will absolutely not eat, and will not get out of bed. Nurses even asked us grandkids to do it, saying, "they usually do anything their grandchildren ask", and no way no how. 

She told me my other Grandma has been there. She said she's watching her and waiting for her. I can feel her there, too, so I confirmed her questions. 

I did what I could. I told her what passing to spirit is like, the best I could. I explained that it's painless, and that she'll be fine. To expect people to be waiting, and expect a light. I told her she can come back and visit, she's not crossed and banished from earth as spirit - she can come say hi and come into people's dreams. All that. 

When and if she wants, of course. 

She's pretty peaceful 

There was a solid week my parents went and force fed her. By force fed I mean crying and begging her, and she did as they asked. It wasn't until the other day she sat my parents down and explained to them that this is her choice, and begged them to please follow her wishes. There were tears and upset, but, she can't see - she can barely hear - she's in a wheelchair, horrible bones very brittle and stuff - she's in her 90s - she depends on nurses and people to take her to the bathroom and stuff. Like my parents and I discussed afterward... If we were in her position, we would probably feel the same way. 

I can say that if I was where she was, at her age... I'd feel the same. 

She said she got to see her kids and grandkids grow up. She said she is truly satisfied and at peace. She said she feels more at peace with this than what she has to live with. She said she's constantly in pain and just is done.

And, above all, we tried. We really did. 

And the most horrifying part... One of my parents is loosing their mommy. 

I don't give a shit how old you are - your mom is always your mom, and that shit hurts. It's painful. 

So, we tried. We tried, all of us. Very hard. No go. 

Besides, over the last couple months she hasn't been eating much anyways. And she's been getting sicker and sicker. Random colds and shit. It's very taxing on your body at that age to try and hack up phlegm, or really forcefully blow your nose. She can barely move her arms to grab the damn tissues and bring them to her face. 

I am sad. I have cried on my own, alone. But I understand. 

Her favorite nurse has agreed to take care of her and work closely with hospice. She's my Grandma's favorite and ours. A deeply kind, caring, compassionate, hilarious woman who has dedicated her life to taking care of seniors in need toward the end of their lives, and we couldn't be more honored to have her in ours and our Grandmas. 

It'll be emotional for awhile, but it'll be a transition. 

Like I told my Grandma, it doesn't end. Nothing ends. It's just a transition. To another dimension, another level of this world most can't see. She isn't ever gone, she's just 'over there'. 

Well, that's all for now. I'm probably going to me gone for awhile, so that's why. 

In the meantime:

Saw a 'suggested for you' video on the YouTubes. Sharing for fun:

I'm gonna pretend I'm DJ Khaled...



That's all. 

Okay, goodnight all. 

Peace & Love.