Ya know, I really envy people who don't see something anywhere - at any time - and are rocketed back to a tragedy.
Suicide is the death. It's the murder of ones self, the murder of a brother or friend or son or daughter or whatever. It's a graphic, gruesome murder.
That's really the bottom line of what it is.
It's the caskets and funerals, parents and siblings and who can't stand and breathe and think.
It's identifying bodies and picking out clothes and having to make phone calls telling people they killed themselves. It's explaining why and how, and passing out notes and constantly reliving the pain by explaining it.
In Jared's case, it was a jump off a 10 story building that left his body bruised, broken and mangled in an open casket.
I don't know how many times I've typed about this. It'll never end. That's suicide, too. A pain that never ends.
For me being who I am, it's anger. Just pure rage. They understand, people who know me understand that about me. For me, a woman who wasn't ever allowed to cry or emote, I turned to self injury as a way of releasing any emotion. Now, at almost 30, I'm relearning emotions. But most often, instead of tears or sadness, my brain and body goes right to anger. I skip sadness and move into rage.
I wasn't ever given a space for sadness. Anger and rage? Fists flying and cursing? Absolutely. Anything else? No.
....I don't even know what to say. I just hate him especially. Jared, I am more angry with. He fucking knew better. He watched me mourn Kyles suicide. He held me and told me it would all be okay. He asked about his parents and if I ever needed anything. He promised me he wouldn't do that, he wouldn't kill himself.
He didn't just kill himself... He fucking mutilated himself.
And we all had to see that.
Do I find upset with his parents for the open casket? No. That's what suicide is, and that's what people should see. I support that.
It saved lives that day, I promise you that. Like a reality check. A slap in the face.
A lesser version of myself, a me that hadn't already battled addiction on my own, a me that hadn't fought the systematic harassment and sexualization of women in her dream career and came out alive and safe, a me that hadn't already rescued my soul from my own depression and suicide attempt... Shouldn't have made it. Shouldn't be here.
My best friend in this entire world, the man who knew me better than anyone else, who I loved like a fucking brother, my friendship soulmate - Kyle - killed himself not a year before. That should have destroyed me. It did, but not in the classical sense.
Getting the phone call, being at his parents home when they came home from identifying him, holding his family members, being a part of the actual death/funeral process... For my best friend in the world... Should have kicked my ass.
Then, a year later, Jared - the second closest person to me, the second closest friend I've ever had - jumps off a building.
No one can ever tell me what they meant to me. No one can ever understand how much I loved them. I knew they were both deeply kind, compassionate, sensitive. Not the typical man crippled with toxic masculinity. That's one of the many reasons I loved them so much.
I would have done anything for them. Anything.
You know that song 'My N***a'? The remix with Lil'Wayne? Wayne's part, the beginning? That's how I felt about them. I would have lied, died, took a bullet, anything. If anyone had messed with them... Lord be with you. Because they were my people. They were my heart. They were good people who cared and were too kind to defend themselves. They would have done anything for anyone else, too. So... Lord be with you if you stepped to my boys wrong.
And they're gone. By their own hand.
It's so upsetting, painful. Every time I try and track back why I sometimes realize I feel so lost (especially with career stuff) it always comes back to their suicides.
Anyways... A topic on the literal opposite side of that pain...
The BEST film I've seen in the last, eh, 8 years (seriously) I saw today.
I think it was brought to my attention because I very badly needed to see it.
'Batkid Begins' on Netflix.
It was really uplifting. A very deep #FaithInHumanityRestored.
That is what I want my life to be. I really do. That kind of peace and compassion and kindness that everyone gave Miles. From every corner of the earth, I really do.
In the first 2 mins I was in happy tears. That NEVER happens. Never.
THAT is a film that was worth the budget. The time. The hours. The distribution. The advertising (which I never saw)... It was worth every woman hour, ever man hour, every second in an editing bay.... It was really truly amazing.
Personally, I'd never heard of that. The event for Miles, I didn't ever hear about it. But my gosh, I wish I could have. To have been able to contribute to something that meaningful... That's my entire heart, it really is. To give as many places a piece of my heart that I can.
We only hear about those big stories, but anywhere... All of the places... Giving is so wonderful.
The massive coverage it received was so necessary. To bring peace and love and hope and joy into not just Miles and his family, but everyone else.
The sheer kindness and giving and love poured to this event and this child was overwhelming. To just watch, it had me in tears multiple times. Wow. It's very rarely that things that beautiful come across our TV in any form.
It was truly the most useful compilation of time and money toward making a cinematic piece I've ever seen.
I got the joy of tweeting with the filmmaker and the man who played Penguin for Miles, and I extended the most warmth I could short of a physical in person hug. God Bless the dream team at Make-A-Wish, and the amazing filmmaker for bringing the same compassion and kindness in Mile's story to millions.
And tonight I am particularly full of gratitude. My cat Harvey, he's a Maine Coon so he's huge and super hairy. Every so often he gets sick with furballs and it takes a toll.
My animals are my children. I mean that with every ounce of seriousness. I adopted them when they were the size of my hand, raised them, take them to doctor appointments, play with them, snuggle, live their lives. They are my kids. Period. I would in all seriousness (as crazy as it may sound) give my life for them. People say 'they're just pets' or 'they're just cats'... When I look at them, I see a soul. A living, breathing, feeling, sentient being. A soul that looks back at me and knows I'm their mom. I take care of them. They trust me, they love me. We belong to each other.
A huge anxiety problem I do battle is with my cats. My first baby, Cuddles, passed away from kidney failure. Common in cats. She was 15, so she lived her life. She was the cat. My cat. I named her when I got her when I was 8. When she passed, she was the first animal I had that I lost. I didn't really understand the gravity or pain until after she was gone.
It was the absolute worst pain in this world. Animals always hit me harder than human things. I think it's because they're so innocent. At all times. Yes, even the ones you think are assholes (it's humans that make them assholes, or you're just an asshole and they're responding to your asshole vibe, that's how they work). They vibe off pure energy, can't talk, and can't really defend themselves against big mean humans or whatever else.
I always think (sometimes) what I could have done differently. I find reasons to blame myself for her passing, and even 8 years later... It still hurts. Very deep.
So my PTSD, if you will, transferred onto my cats. Luna and Harvey. My babies now. Cuddles took care of me, now I take care of them.
Every move I analyze. Are they okay? What are they eating? Is something in their mouth? How did they jump off their perch? Are they hurt? Are they limping? Is their food the best? Everything. I get up and go check on them at least 50 times a day if they're sleeping... It's, possibly borderline problematic for me and my psychology.
But, I find it so tiring that when I do have real human children I will have done all the excessive worrying and it's a human who can generally speak and I don't have to try and shove in a crate in a panic if something happens. Easier, in some respects. Humans are readable. Animals are hard.
Last night Harvey came to find me, as he always does when he's sick, and laid with me. I give him water every hour, he lays on my head and cries until he pukes up a furball. It's not often, but every time it scares the absolute deepest hell out of me.
Usually, he's fine and up again bouncing around when I wake up.
He slept all day, didn't eat or get up. I tried giving him water and he threw it up, which he never does (I know dehydration is the biggest danger for cats when they're sick), I was in a panic.
I cried, I prayed, I put on healing music, did reiki, laid out crystals, everything.
Finally, about a half hour ago, I heard him crying. I ran to find him and he was sitting in front of his food bowl (which I tried to get him to eat from twice today) like, "Mom, I'm hungry."
Then, after he ate, he ran to my room and jumped up on the bed. Laying down on his favorite stuffed animal (Scooby).
I cried, I thanked every power there is in the sky, and at that moment of just gratitude I felt Angels all around me. Light beings. Arms on my shoulders and back, whispering to me, "He'll be fine" and "You're not in charge of sicknesses anyways, not your lessons". Basically, animals are still souls. Yes, under my care, but they have their learning and stuff to do here too. And they have lessons in sicknesses and challenges if you will just like us.
But, they supported me. Held me up. Thanked me for thanking them.
When Luna was a baby, I got her her shots. Turned out, she's allergic to the rabies shot.
That... That, was horrifying. But miraculous at the same time.
She's a 24/7, 365 indoor cat. So one of their other doctors said its not important or even necessary she gets those shots. I don't like shots in animals anyways really. They're so small and, indoor so, why? No point. Humans have a better immune system than animals, and even shots for humans do lots of damage (depending).
She wouldn't move, wouldn't eat, nothing. I took her to my parents house and just laid with her on the floor crying. After 24 hours of her not even lifting her head, being so hot I could feel heat radiating off of her without touching her, I called archangel Michael and begged him to heal her. Help her. I couldn't loose another baby, I just couldn't.
Needless to say I feel asleep lodged between the wall and the bed (small space) with my arm under the bed around Luna. Crying. Makeup everywhere.
I woke up to no Luna.
Good sign. At least she moved.
I felt a deep peace inside of myself, and knowing Archangel Michael is in fact real (never seen him, just heard him once) knew he came and saved the day.
I went to find her and she was in my parents living room window, watching the squirrels.
I had to go to work on some film a couple cities away, and all day my Mom was texting me photos of her in the cat tree they have for them and eating and videos of her chirping at birds.
My heart just soared.
Everyone in my family admitted to me afterward they were very afraid. She was super, super sick.
That was a fucking miracle.
God, I love the Angels.
The hardest part is knowing that deep inside me some day their time will come. I don't even want to type it or talk about it, but that's what happens to every being. They eventually return to spirit.
I hope it's when they're super old, and it's very natural and peaceful and calm.
Animals do have it better don't they? As far as animals that are sick or at the end of their lives. They don't have to suffer with pains and sicknesses. They don't. They can basically be given laughing gas and get to return peacefully.
How nice, right?
No pain, no suffering. Even say if an animal had cancer they won't survive, they don't have to deal with all kinds of shit like people do. They're not obligated to suffer. They get to return before it gets horrible.
That's the least that can be done for such beautiful, magical souls. Sylvia Browne said she's convinced animals are the closest thing to Angels we'll ever see and experience life with on this planet. And my God do I agree.
They're little angels with fur.
But, my babies are young. They're only 7 so they have long, healthy lives ahead of them. God willing. Dear God, that is so and I say it is. Angels help me, lol.
I'm just full of gratitude tonight.
Beyond Jared and Kyle being fucks, that beautiful film and Harvey's healing tonight is the absolute perfect way to end this gorgeous day.
What a blessing, right? That we're all allowed to think and feel and enjoy each day with so many other beautiful souls.
Life is truly amazing.