Thursday, April 28, 2016

Signs: How do you know?

What do signs look like for the curious? For the people who aren't sure? 

Well, Lucy knows I need my signs fast and undeniable. And what did I get:

Let me explain...

Last night, I had on some channel and suddenly Lucy and Desi came on. I felt her, I knew it was a sign, and so I'm like, "Hi!" But, of course, Lucy knows I need like 5 more back to back.

An hour or so later on a COMPLETELY different show, they bring up some photo of Lucy and her second husband Gary. 


Woah, right? 

Then, this morning I wake up to that text from my friend. Who is currently, no coinsidence, just down the street from where Lucy lived. 


I get some production paperwork in the mail and there's a smiley face drawn on the note.

I didn't even connect that till JUST NOW. 

My tattoo is Lucy's handwriting, the smiley is also her handwriting. It was from a note she wrote her hair and makeup woman back in the day. The 'believe' and the smiley face. 

(& it wouldn't even matter if the note writer made a habit of writing smileys on all her notes - this is the first one I've recieved from her, ever, and it struck an 'aha' recognition place in my soul, intuition, and that's always what matters, for everyone, always) 


That, my friends, is what signs and messages and communication from spirit often looks like. 

Not really big or flashy or out there. Just a series of things the more closed-off 'skeptical' folks would write off as 'coincidence'.

But, we know there's no such thing as coincidence. No such thing. 

And I TOTALLY GET IT! I FEEL THE MESSAGE! GAAAAAHHH! It's truly amazing, it really is. 

Spirit gets super frequent (my guides in the industry) when I'm 'getting warmer' to opportunities and ideas that will work. 

I'm constantly reminded that they have no perception of time. It may take weeks, months, or years... But it's a sign that I'm on the right path. 

It's her way of saying, as clearly as she can, in ways I'll understand, in ways I can't write off, "I see you, I see what you're doing, I approve." 


God, I love spirit. 

One last fun fact:

I took my Mom to my favorite cemetery. A bit after walking around she says, "I hear chatter." I asked, "The birds?" She looked at me and said, "No. The people." 

There was absolutely no one. 

Oh, wait, my Mom has the 'gift', too.

She always pokes fun at me but she's got it herself. Haha. 

A fun day indeed. 


Tuesday, April 26, 2016

All the guides! (Not really, but, close enough)

So as I was watching some stuff about Mama today, I stumbled upon this video again: 

Marilyn Monroe Death - Conspiracy Theory:

Man. Always upsetting. 

Sissy is one of the sweetest people I've ever met. 

She won't ever tell me for sure. Ever. The only thing I get from her is basically 'what's done is done' and 'don't worry about it, honey'. If she wanted me to know she'd show me, and I don't think she feels like it'll help my sanity any if I knew. 

Maybe I'll ask for a dream about it. See if she'll show me. That usually works, so if it doesn't she doesn't want me to know. 

I know there was a man who was on his death bed and said he was hired to carry out many assassinations for the government. One of them? Marilyn. 

I don't know how true that is, you can YouTube that yourself. She won't/hasn't tell/told me about that. Probably doesn't want to upset me in either case. 

The man was a CIA agent, and he did have a top level security clearance. 


It's interesting to me how when I see her in person, while I'm awake, she's super happy and lively and bright. Not at all even suggesting any depression or anything. When I'm asleep, in my dreams, she's the polar opposite. Sad, depressed, quiet. Doesn't even seem like the same person. 

My medium friend told me that in dreams, we often see the inner workings of people. What they don't want people to see. When it's in day to day life, it's the side they showed the world. So, that makes sense, because that always stumped me. I only had one dream of her that was sad and upset until not too long ago. Between then, there were only conscious moments. While I was awake. 

I will say that regardless, what I know like I know like I know, she didn't kill herself. She may have been very depressed (based on my dreams, that would be factually accurate) and not thrilled. Even based on some of our discussion alone, she wasn't happy with her career and stuff. She wasn't very convinced she was going anywhere substantial. In life and a career. So, yeah she was depressed. 

But she didn't intentionally kill herself. 

It was an accident one way or another. An accident because she didn't mean to take that much, or an accident because she didn't want to die at all. Period. Wasn't even partially her fault. 

I don't know, I'll ask her. It's Sissy though, so I don't know. I remember the first dream about a death I got that I didn't ask for from spirit. Very... Well it wasn't traumatic, thank God he didn't give me some weird gory view. It wasn't as bad as I would have suspected. Being shown it. 

I don't know, she's another one I just love so much. She's so good to me. She showed up in a dream several years ago, talked to me for a second, then I started seeing her around randomly. Got to know her, and I mean you can't know her and not love her. Depression or not, she's so deeply loving and kind. 

I don't know, I don't know everything about the woman - some people know absolutely everything about diaries and shit. Eh, when I met her I went to look some stuff up and learned some shit. But, I don't know, I try and learn as much as I can from them. Not papers and shit left behind. 

Like I said before here somewhere, aside from her agreeing to be a guide, she's also pretty excited a young girl who wants to be an actress she's able to help. And I am open to being her friend. When she was alive, it was by and large men and usually only men that crowded her and wanted autographs and stuff. 

I'm pretty sure, judging from what I know, she would have absolutely loved to have a young woman come ask her for help. In any capacity. It would have been really refreshing. 

I'm just lucky to know her. She's a doll. She's so sweet. And so smart. And so kind. She doesn't really understand she's dead sometimes, but, it doesn't seem to hinder her any. 

I don't know. I'm just very grateful and in gratitude to the people who are good to me. I haven't had much of that in this lifetime, and even less in the industry I try to be in. 

Even less, still, with people as 'famous' as her and Mama. And others that have stepped in to help me. 

I am eternally grateful for them. Truly. 

I like people to know about great people. 

...& their kindness often makes me wanna cry. 

Everyone needs someone to give advice and mentor. In this industry, no one wants to. At least I have them. In spirit, sure, but they're there just the same. 

Isn't it interesting, fascinating even, that the people who seemed the meanest - the most closed off - the saddest - most 'fucked up' - most depressed - unattainable, are the kindest and most deeply loving, giving people. 

Sad though that they don't reach the 'conclusions' or 'reasons' to most things until they pass. And I believe, personally, that the depression or whatever clouds so much of their humanity that when they reach spirit they are free from that, and realize they never got to love or give as they wanted in life. 


Makes sense to me. 

So sad.

And once you're as famous as she was, you're closed off. When you really need to have friendship and support the absolute most... Your 'fame' has forced you into a weird isolation. Never opening up, never trusting people. 

Depressed, famous and isolated. Alone. 

That's one dangerous fucking combination. 

She's going to come back I'm sure. I wonder if she has already. That's one thing I don't understand, the spirit split when someone reincarnates. They're in spirit from their other identity, but they're human. It's interesting. Don't understand it. 

I don't know that she would for sure come back, but I don't see how she wouldn't. You don't generally get the option of not coming back when you don't pass away naturally. Murder or overdose, suicide or whatever... She didn't die from the body's own doing. 

It's 2:22. 

Random fact. 

Is there anyone who said they're her reincarnated? 


I don't ever discredit it. Main stream news is a fucking joke though. Fox News is a joke, they're all a joke. The douchebag in the middle is a puppet of the system anyways (YouTube 'The Young Turks'). Do I know it's her? No. But, I don't discredit. That would be like me not believing me, lol. 

But, this is also why I won't ever say the exact identity I had when I was murdered. Maybe one day, but not now. It's not right. I don't wanna be a freak show. Not before I get my career for myself. That would suck. 

I can see it in her, for sure. I'd like to talk to her. If we're great spirit friends then we'd be amazing real life friends. 

AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA DELUSIONAL DISORDER! AAAHAHAHAHAHH. Fucking MSNBC, more main stream media and it's fuckery. Fucking delusional. Okay. Yep, sure. Whatever let's you sleep at night princess. 

I will say that I don't think I like the doctor dude. Not that he's dangerous, but that he is searching for fame and shit with this - not her. That he's almost using her. 


Here's a BBC interview. Much more decent. BBC is tolerable, unlike US media. US media is a fucking joke. 

I can't find Sherrie anywhere online! Poor thing probably had to go into fucking hiding after that. 

People have said tons of horrible shit about her online though. That's not okay. 

...& I will NEVER do a past life regression because I can't do the death part. Ye gods. I don't know man. I don't know. 

There's of course some people who make it seem like a joke and make it seem false. Of course, as always.

There can't be multiple people at the same time, that's for sure. 

Yeah, more awareness needs to be shed on past lives for sure. 

I was in tons of historical events, but to compare to this woman, my most 'famous' lifetime was my murder. So far anyways. A very shit way to be remembered, but, they think Sherri is crazy... Haha. No, she's just one of many.

& really, looking like the person means nothing. Sometimes you come back as a totally different gender. So, you're not guaranteed to be a woman in every life or a man or whatever. Where do you think this wave of transgender identification is coming from? "I am in the wrong body." Yeah, you are. Last lifetime, you were a different gender. And more and more people are 'waking up' and laying on that lifetime gender frequency. It's really marvelous. That could be proof in spiritual type things, but, they're going to the LGBTQ side instead. 

How the hell does anyone insist they're in the wrong body, they don't at all feel like their gender is correct, and it's not a conversation about past lives and past life genders? Souls and shit? That's fucking weird to me. 

But you know what... Something my guides told me awhile ago JUST fucking clicked. It just now made sense. 

In a reading awhile back, P. Swayz came through and told me to slow down. He said something like, "Relax, look around, you're missing opportunities." What the hell did that mean? I didn't know. 

When Dubs passed away, he's the only spirit (aside from Dr. Wayne Dyer recently) that I have personally put a vocal call out to come join me. So I could meet him, and invited him to come be a member of my spirit guide team if he wanted. I admired him and could totally use his help and would he honored to know him. 

He showed up in a dream. Tons of signs around so I didn't mistake who he was. He got out of this car and came right up to me, right in my face so I couldn't mistake who he was and said something like, "Calm down. CALM. DOWN. Relax."

I didn't understand. Why are they telling me to calm down? I keep missing shit?


I was racing my mind way beyond the necessary places I needed to be. I was trying so hard and pushing and moving and searching so much that I missed what was so seemingly simple, and right in front of me. 

Fucking a, man. I GOT IT! 

Finally got it. However long after. Still got it! 

Okay, my commentary is done now. 

Let me end with #TYT and Ana nailing the shit right on the head. 

Peace and Love. 

Monday, April 25, 2016


Because it's been awhile since I've written about her. And because it's my blog, and I do what I want!

 <childish stomp>

I've been seeing her EVERYWHERE. Pictures back to back, signs and little things here and there. 

She's truly the best guide, I just love her so much. 

It's weird to try and describe to other people. If they ask, I suppose. 

She's the first spirit I ever met. She's the first spirit I ever heard. She's the spirit that once I discovered what a guide was and that it was real... She was there for me. Is there for me. 

Back when all my clairaudience and clairsentience and stuff started, and I was clearly very clairvoyant, and could see and hear so much that I never had before... Before that asshole shadow man scared me... She was always around. All the time. 

I got mad because she would seemingly disappear when I felt like I needed the most help, and she taught me that that's when life is teaching you the most.

She has sat with me while I cried (very real tears) about feeling so stuck and so lost and so betrayed in films and companies I worked with and for. She was there when I was lost and didn't know which direction to turn or what to do. She was there. 

Even when I finally had it 'click' that YouTube is the best option for me, I heard her and felt her energy so tangible I'm sure anyone else with me could have felt it, too. She said, so passionately, so in my corner, "YES! YOU GOT IT! FINALLY!"

She tells me what works. What doesn't. What I need to change, what I need to wait for, who to trust. Everything. 

I mean, she's fucking Lucille Ball. She knows what the fuck is up.

(& she doesn't like how often I curse, side note.)

Technically, her official spirit title is 'spirit guide', though we've been through several lifetimes together (not her life as Lucille Ball, I had been alive for a short time but was murdered and that cancelled that out. But, no such thing as coinsidence, her daughter played me in a made for TV movie about my myrder. So, there's that, and I didn't find that out till a big after I even discovered the murder.) 

So, she's my spirit guide. 

If you aren't familiar with guides, here's some information for you. 

James Van Praagh (worked with 'Ghost Whisperer' as their resident expert) explains them:

Teal Swan explains:
(She even explains how they communicate and how to communicate with your guides.)

Another from James Van Praagh:

Lucy has been with me my whole life. Even with her, a lot of things make sense about my childhood. Mainly, my really weird obsession with the woman who was the ventriloquist for Lambchop. Remember that? I was obsessed with not the puppet, but her, and I didn't know why. Not even obsessed, but just fascinated. I felt like I knew her. 

There were others, and when I figured out that it was Lucy... Lots of stuff made sense. 

She loved helping people out, too. So, I'm glad she chose to stick around and keep helping me. 

I didn't even know what a spirit guide was. I wasn't even for sure 100% until my first reading with a medium. Yep, Lucy was there. Yep, she's your guide. Yep, here's an explanation. 

It's really cool. 

I've written here before that since I've had several different experiences with other spirits, and she loves introducing me to new people to help me on my journey. 

She's the best teacher, mentor, friend, spiritual stage mom... She's amazing. And in an industry like this, having virtually no one on your side and no one willing to help or guide anyone... She's been my rock. My peace. My sanity in so many situations. 

Her energy feels very warm and protective, yet very big and tall and almost like a wall with her arms folded over her chest. Being the block for anyone and anything. Judging and assessing when it comes to other people and things, but with me personally... Sometimes, she's very comical and funny with things she says. Other times, she's very 'come on this shit is getting old', other times she's very compassionate and understanding. She's never mean, but she's always very frank and to the point. 

Which I love and I respect. 

She's super protective, very nurturing in her own way, and has assured me several times (and told other mediums) "This kid? She's got it. That it, she has it." 

I just can't tell you how much it means to have someone so profound and so amazing at what she did in my corner. Seeing me, helping me, being there for me. 

Granted, it's in spirit and my communication skills with spirit have dwindled since... I still know she's there. 

Today, on this day in 1989, she passed away. 

I'm super sad that I won't have the opportunity to work with her in life. In human form. But, I've begged and pleaded with her to show up in something I do. Sometime. Somewhere. In a mirror or the audio or some footage that people think is funky. Just somewhere.

One of my all time biggest dreams is to film something, anything, on the old soundstage they shot 'I Love Lucy' on. That is one of my biggest dreams. 

I think I would just sit there and cry. Like, "Mom, I fucking did it. I did it!"

(I call her 'Mama', or 'Mama Lucy'. She said she's cool with it. "I'm honored to be that for you" I believe were her exact words to a medium friend of mine.)

I really want to do that one day. Just something there. I already know it'll be a crazy spiritual experience. That would be a dream come true. It would be like we are working together. Wow, how wonderful.

She feels like family. She told my friend she has the love for me a grandmother has for her granddaughter. She wants me to succeed, and she's gonna help me. 

What confidence and courage that gives me. Has always given me. 

Tonight, I'm going to watch some of her stuff. I don't know what, but something. And hopefully, I'll get to see her tonight in the spirit world (dreams). She always takes extra care of me over there. It is totally true that your spirit travels when you sleep - if you can remember it, that is. 

Through Lucy, I've had so many other spirits that were as talented and known as she is visit me to help me. Probably because she's asked, or they know she's working with me so they feel safe/able to jump on the bandwagon, too. 

I'm just so deeply blessed and thankful. It's something no one can adequately explain, how deep my gratitude runs. Not even just for her, but for everyone helping me. 

Human life, this world, living here on earth is confusing. It's difficult and challenging and weird. In a world of statistics and studies and proof... This category is the one thing no one will ever have solid proof of or in. It's all vibes. Feels. Frequency. Hearing between the silence and the room tones. Seeing between the shit we already can't see floating in the air to see the other dimensions. Feeling between the air hitting our skin and our own feelings. Sensing around the senses of everything around you. 

It just is. 

And my God, am I thankful to be one of the people in this ever expanding 'community' of sensitives, Empaths and indigos (to name a few) that feel and know and understand. 

Since spirit is and can be everywhere at all times, sees and feels and hears all if they want... I was going to type a letter to her here but, I can't. What I have to say doesn't have a language. It's emotion and feels and vibrations. 

And I'm in luck since that is a language to them, and she can get that. 

I wish I had known you in this lifetime, but how beautiful that even with you in spirit, we still got to meet. Now that's pretty fucking awesome. 

To be honest, it's quite an interesting feel. It's reversed kind of. Like, when I see things about her and watch interviews and stuff... It's always, I don't know, odd. Like, much how I would assume someone acts when their Mom or close friend is 'famous'. It's kind of weird. Like, really? That's just Lucy. Not saying she's not that important or worthy, she is. It's just, different?, knowing her. Really knowing so many like her in spirit has totally given me another perspective and feeling to 'celebrity'. It's interesting. 

Almost like, "Why's everyone cheering? She's a normal person." I don't know how to explain it. It's a very human feeling I suppose, but.. Just different when they've sat with you while you've cried and you've argued with each other, haha. 

A quick shout out to all my Angels. You've saved my life tons of times. My absolute deepest gratitude. 

To all of my guides, including family members and friends... I know you're there, and I thank you. You know I do. Without you all, sometimes I question how I could go on. 

I really and truly wish everyone on this planet could make these connections for themselves. So they could A) know it's real, and B) feel the deep peace, love and protection that is there for everyone. 

I am one lucky bitch. 

We are never alone. We're always being guarded and protected and guided. We're always having people whisper in our ears and point us in directions and sending us assistance. 


Thank you, Lucy, for having lived. For choosing to send your knowledge to me. For being one of the many in spirit that still care about us humans and still want to help. 

I want to close this post with some of my favorite clips of hers. 

Before you watch them I must address something. It irritates me every time it's said anywhere, and I just like to nip it in the ass whenever I can. 

Her attitude and demeanor is very much the same way you see in the interviews. Some say she's cold and mean. Some say she's been a bitch, a hard ass. 

No. She's not at all.

She cares deeply about people. She may act that way, she never really trusted many people. Studio types especially. You always had to earn and gain her trust. Always. But once she trusted you, she may act that way or feel that way to you... Hard or cold... But she would go to fucking war for you. 

You think she seems cold or feels cold or rude or mean or whatever? If you ever so much as breathed at someone she loves wrong, mistreated a child under her productions or her care, did someone wrong - a friend or colleague she cared for or trusted - that 'mean/cold' vibe would turn to 5,000% and she's coming at you. 

She was kind of like myself. She worked her ass off for everything she had. Built everything herself. Was the first female studio executive. She took lots of criticism and shit. She was a woman that had been to the very bottom and worked to the very top. 

She is deeply compassionate, deeply protective, but is also wary and cautious and hard working.

She did a talk to the students of UCLA and the man with the microphone kept for whatever reason having to be touching every woman who wanted to ask Lucy a question. She very openly, very sternly, demanded he take his hands off them several times. Until finally she said something like, "Seriously, I said take your hands off the woman. You do not need to touch them to hold the microphone." You could see in his eyes 'oh she's not kidding', and that's half the reason she to some people seemed cold. 

Playing the goofy Lucy for years, and being a woman... People didn't take her seriously. She had to be very serious sometimes. And as we know, if she was a man she would be praised as 'a boss'. Since she was a woman? 'Bitch'.

So, here's some of my favorites:

Merv Griffen 1973 Tribute to Lucille Ball:

I will say that I don't like Gary. Her second husband. I don't vibe with him. I don't like him. He seems like a mooch. Cold and weird. I can smell weird issues. Every time she's with someone in spirit, at least the only people I've seen her with, are Gilda Radner/John Wayne/Cary Grant/Desi. Even in relaxed settings, she's never with him. And I know who he is, so bringing him to me or around me would be easy. 

Just don't like him. He wasn't anything until they got together, and Lucy always wanting to help everyone she put him on. But all the money was hers, she did everything. That's not to say don't do that for someone you love, sure of course, I would do the same thing. But I just don't like his vibes. 

It would be one thing if he was an amazing kind hearted person. But.. I don't think that was 100% the case. Somethings off and I'm not sure what it is.

As shitty as Desi was to her, I like his authentic soul energy much better. 

I digress...

'Stone Pillow' Interview:

Such an amazing movie. Everyone should watch it.

1974 Interview:

I love this because she would always do this stuff as often as possible. Sit with people who wanted to learn and grow, talk with people very casually. She did tons of seminars that looked almost identical. 

Another thing I love is that when you talk to her, like the man on the phone, and ask questions about her show - any show - you're talking to the actress & the studio owner & the executive producer & the final decision maker on, like, everything. Even before she owned a studio. She always had Lucille Ball Productions, and that's how she made everything. Well, after Desi anyhow. 

This part 2, the end of this: 

"Why, are you thinking of doing it?"

If that girls answer was 'Yes', it would have been an entirely different show or she would have asked to speak to her after the show was over. 

Love it. 


Lucy always remembered who was good to her, and kept them around. Mary Wicks much like Gale she carried through all her years of work. She always had a job with Lucy. Lucy cast her and her friends in tons of roles. Several even in a span of a series. Mary I remember playing several different characters on 'I Love Lucy'. 

I'm done now. 

(& is it a coinsidence she died on the 26th of April? 26 being my number, and April being my name? No, I think not.) 

Love you, mama! 

Happy 'day you went home'! 

Sunday, April 24, 2016

A Drummer's Dream

'A Drummer's Dream' on Netflix.

Go, now. Watch. 

Wow. That is such an amazing film.

To the bottom of my soul, it touched me. 

That all these amazing, established, well known professionals would take the time to go help teach these kids what they know. Work one on one with them. Be there for them. That's just one of the most beautiful things ever. 

It really and truly is. I believe, anyways. 

Like, "Who taught you this?"

"Raul Rekow." (With Santana since 1976.)

"Seriously? No way."

"Yeah, he did."

Just, wow. What amazing human beings they are. Seriously. I love seeing people's eyes light up and their dreams coming true. Their dreams being guided by people who really care. That's one of the most beautiful things to me.

I really aspire to be like them one day. To help as many filmmakers as I can. To believe in them and be there when/if they need someone.

What a beautiful part of this world. 

I am honestly, truly, very deeply touched by this film. 

I would like to go to this camp to just watch the musicians be touched and see in their eyes the light and self-esteem of being acknowledged. 

How amazing. 

And how amazing, because it's not some weird separated class structure. It's very personal, everyone is equal, let's just teach each other and support everyone and be united and jam. 

I love it. So much. 

It's all ages, all demographics... It's absolutely beautiful. Everyone with a dream. To be encouraged, like Raul says... To be encouraged. The root word is 'courage'. To give all these people courage to follow their dreams. Keep going. Reminding them they're normal people, too. 

So beautiful. What a gorgeous film. 

I don't even have anything else to say. Just go watch that documentary, & be touched. 

Faith in humanity restored. 

(Sad there isn't any lady musician professionals there since not all the students are men - but, hey, little by little I suppose.) 

Peace & love, friends. 

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Past Life Recollection Support Group

Past lives will forever be a fascinating thing. 

Certainly will be something that's forever explored within oneself and never fully finding closure or completely getting every piece of the puzzle. Hence the forever exploration.

I was listening to this wonderful song today:

& I randomly began thinking of all the lifetimes I had. How they were all (at least the ones I remember anyways) legendary. 

I know the reasons for them now, too. Sad that one doesn't know that in the meantime, and sad that there even have to be deaths to change anything, but that's usually how it is. 

Even worse they had to be so fucking tragic. But, tragedy brings about change when it's tragic enough. 

Titanic was very clearly for better regulations. Had that never happened, there would be tons of unsafe shit going on. Not enough boats and vests and shit protocol and everything. 

Eventually there would be a tragedy. Titanic was the 'eventually'.

Salem was disgusting. But, then again, that's probably a huge reason I'm spiritual but in no way religious. I don't know who I really was (identity) in most of my lifetimes, I just know I was there. And if we didn't know about how horrible that was, who's to say we wouldn't repeat that disgusting shit? 

I don't really know what the prostitution death (being blown up on a boat) was about, or for, but there's always a reason. Even if I don't know.

The most tragic one, the (my) murder (I have a hard time identifying with that one, really, and I'm not sure why - maybe denial, still too tragic maybe), brought about MANY changes. A ton. The media is held to different standards now. Police protocol changed. Certain people were 'brought to light', and there were a few new laws and different types of legislation because of my murder if I remember correctly. Something pretty big changed but I'm not exactly sure what it was, and I can't google it. Too scary. Still can't deal with that. 

I don't remember ancient Egypt (completely, there's some soul imprints), but I know I was there. 

Tons of really scary/fascinating things. 

It'll always be interesting to explore how interesting it all will continue to be. 

They all feel so close but so far away. It's, I don't know, there should be a fucking group for this.






There absolutely has to be.




Well, kind of. Close enough:

I want to meet up with people and sit in a fucking group or some shit. 

OMG. Idea for my medium friend! I'll pass that along to her. See if she wants to run with that. 

Seriously, it would be fucking amazing to not share the same exact story with someone but to just be able to talk to someone who fucking gets this. It's so hard to explain, I wish I could.

I dig talking to people about it. Friends who have questions, because in talking about it I get to investigate more (in a way), but... Still... A lot is unexplainable. 

Just those feels, bro. Just those feels.

That's an amazing forum. I might join. See if there's anyone in Michigan or around Michigan who would maybe want to chat and maybe meet up.

I'm always down to talk to and make friends with new and interesting people! Never close that door, friends. Never do it. It's a form of suicide, promise. Never know how many absolutely amazing people are out there. Friendships are amazing.

Anyways, I don't know, I'm gonna go breathe on this. Having a feel this evening. Love my cats, eat, and vibe. 

Hope you're enjoying my YouTube series! New series coming soon!


Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Dreams & YouTube

Weird dream alert!

That's nothing new. 

So there were messages everywhere and I have no idea what they mean.

Some dude was helping me with French homework... That's odd. Familiar voice, so, even weirder.

I went to a type of 'members only' conference/performance for SAG (Screen Actors Guild). It was really, really interesting with the fact that I'm not SAG, and have never been to any type of gathering.

So Lucy and Desi got onstage and did some Vaudeville act, they were in black and white which is interesting. 

I remember being asked why I was there and who I was with, and I didn't see Lucy but I heard her voice say, "Kid's with me."

I remember a message also, "You don't ever have to join this to be this." And being directed to Lucy and Desi on the stage. It was really, really weird and I have no clue what it means. 

*shrug* Very perplexed. As usual.

At least it wasn't a dream of my last lifetime murder. Thank Baby Jesus for that. Phew. 

Those dreams are done with I'm sure. I've requested them to be done, they're done.

Aside from that, every week or so I do a little Tarot reading for myself. Just what's up, anything I need to know, random info and shit. 

Last night two cards, quite literally, FLEW out of the deck as I shuffled. Romance Angels and Have Confidence. Very interesting. No fucking idea what that means, but, I see you!! Always acknowledge signs. Pro tip.

I really want to know why Lucy took me to some SAG performance thing. It was weird. Half the room was in black and white too. Usually, as far as previous dreams go, she brings me to big gatherings of the 'stars' from back in the day to introduce me to as many people as possible. From what I remember of all of those dreams, they're awesome. 

I've been missing her, too. So thankfully she finally showed up! To her credit, I'm sure she had before I just couldn't remember anything. 

My YouTube is going well! Channel is climbing. Slow and steady wins the race! Very excited about it. Happy to be providing love, light and laughs. From there, more entertainment based videos will come. But, slow and steady. 

YouTube is such a wonderful platform for people who can't break the studio platform. So many independent filmmakers and other creative people like actors and such that won't sleep with someone for a role or can't seem to 'break in' are going to YouTube. What a beautiful thing it is. So wonderful it's a wide platform available to and for so many. It's world wide distribution via the Internet, with millennials, and for those of us who have tried everything else... It's a blessing. 

More personal and interactive anyways, so naturally, I love it. Big smiles all around!

I was watching this dude play video games on YouTube (I've always been down to watch people edit or play video games, fun, I would do it with Kyle all the time) and there was this game that's a horror game. In it, he had to walk through this room with a bathtub just covered in blood.

I had a very mild panic attack. On the inside. I felt my heartbeat speed up, and I started to panic. Like, I wanted to instantly turn it off, and I felt like I was really there. I pushed through, but... Past life trauma. Ugh. Not fun.

Just finished uploading some videos today, so yeah that's about it. Not much else going on over this way. 

Hope everyone is well! 


Wednesday, April 6, 2016

5 Years.

Oh how 5 years has gone by. 

I honestly don't have any eloquent words or phrasing anymore. I just get upset and angry when I really think about it. Fucking Kyle. 

Anger is what I spent most my life in. Anger, I can do. I can fight for anyone, myself included. I can rage and break stuff. That was always commonplace in my youth and early adult life. 

Being upset? Tears? Emotions other than negative ones? 


So, I have my moments... But, they're not coupled with anything audible or even understandable. They're private, very rare, and still kind of lost to me. As far as explanation. Or talking through them. 

I've gotten much better over the years. Watching beautiful things that make my heart smile make me cry. Abundant gratitude or watching a dream come true or whatever else... That's easy. Wouldn't have been a long time ago. They are now. So, slowly moving on up.

I'm also still stuck with the punch in the face every time that is, "Hey dipshit, don't ever forget that this pain? This could have been your fault." Meaning when I was 16 and tried to kill myself... I could have been the one to do this to so many people.

That always hits home the hardest. 

But, he was my best friend. 

I truly never thought this would happen in my life. Twice. 

And I can't even begin to consciously unwind the mental confusion surrounding all of it. I still have so many things that hurt randomly... I guess... It's the sad reality that he isn't ever coming back. I want so badly to believe he is. 

I also have confusion on a spiritual level. Surrounding emotions and why humans do and feel as they do. It's, I don't know, I can't explain it really. I get it, I feel it, but I can't explain it. 

I just do a really good job of being happy and positive, and my focus is always on uplifting others and making sure everyone else is okay about it all. What can I do? How can I help? Focus on doing good. 

Then, when today comes, it's the one moment I'm reminded that it's very, very real. 

And I'd love nothing more than to be able to hug his Mom and his sister. But they're not here today. And that's okay, they're having happy moments today. And my God do they deserve them. They truly do.

I guess I'm still baffled. Like, really dude? We had all these plans and I was truly waiting on you to 'get your shit together'. I lived all those moments of my life already. You didn't. Go and live, do you. I will wait for you. 

I did. I was. 

And he left.

I didn't see it coming. I wouldn't have guessed. I just... I don't know. 

There is just a lot of pain and hurt that is hidden by real happiness and joy that I don't even realize it's there until it stands in front of all my peace. That's not all the time, it's just sometimes. 

But that's one of the problems with depression and shit, isn't it? When we feel pain, it's fucking DEEP. 

But God damnit, I'm a motherfucking warrior. I will fight through and I always come out a victor. Always. No questions about it. 

It's just hard. 

I often feel more lost and alone than I'd ever let anyone know. Anyone other than Kyle. Or even Jared. And they both chose to not be here anymore. 

Well, fuck.

There couldn't be a shittier day for a New Moon, haha. 

I don't even really know what to say. I just needed to say something

Something makes me feel better than nothing. 


Who wants to go look at the moon with me tonight?

Like Kyle said, "Look at the moon and the stars. I'll be looking, too."

I love you so fucking much, Kyle. 
So. Fucking. Much. 

I would give just about anything for one of your hugs and deep, insightful talks tonight. 

Maybe if you could meet me in my dreams? 

I love you. 
Forever and always.