Monday, May 23, 2016

Mental Illness

This probably won't be a popular opinion, but, I don't care. It needs to be said.

So, this culture and societal discussion around mental illness is - in my opinion - harmful. 

First let me say that I know I had severe mental illness for most of my childhood. The person I am now doesn't seem that way, but my entire childhood was extremely dark. I don't need to explain just how much, but it was. My mind was in no good place at all. It was horrifying, and very tragic. Demonic even. Very alarming. 

With what I say and believe now, people can say "well then you never had any mental illness because it doesn't go like that" and that's your personal opinion. Which is fine. Everyone's allowed to have those. 

But you never saw me. You didn't experience that part of my life. And what was the one phrase I use to say to people very angerly, offensively, over and over again when anyone said to me anything in the ballpark of what I'm about to say?

"I am depressed. You don't get it, you don't understand what it's like."

It made me mad when anyone assumed I could just change my fucking mind. It made me so, so angry. I would think 'you don't understand at all, you're not in my mind or my house or my life. You don't know, you don't get it, it's not that fucking easy'.

Well, I wish I could turn around to my 13 year old self and sit her down and say:

"Yes. Yes, it is that fucking easy."

Now I've had people say "well if what you're saying is true then you must just be one of the strongest people in the world then mentally".

That may be true, but... It's more a 'fight or flight' thing. Survival. Give in, or stand up and fight. 

I've always been a fighter. Always.

Regardless the abuse in my childhood, I've always had the soul of a warrior. 

After I tried to kill myself, I looked at my blacked out room I would lay in and cry and self injure. I looked at my dark, oppressive household with the yelling and fighting and negativity. I looked at my arms. My life. What did I do? What was going on? What was happening to me? 

I was never happy. I couldn't think a positive thought (at the time) if my life depended on it (which it most certainly did). I couldn't smile, I couldn't see happiness or anything outside of anger and drugs to take the pain away or anxiety and stress and upset. Every single day, all day, nothing else.

I got angry.

I told myself this fucking shit stopped today. I'm done with this shit. I want the happiness other people talk about. I want the friendships and love and the life everyone says is so beautiful.

I want that.

So fuck this shit. This shit ends today.

And from that moment on, I worked unbelievably hard to do that. And my life has done a completely flip.

I think back to what I use to be, who I use to be, and can't believe it. It's almost like I'm a different human being entirely.

And everyone in this world can do that.

My opinion continues, of course, based on my personal experience.

I am extremely grateful there weren't these crazy discussions around mental illness and depression when I was dealing with my fight for my life.


Well for one thing I would have just been put on some medication I depended on my entire life and never figured out how to get above it and would probably be stuck in a place to where I could now never be without it. So, there's that. 

It's my opinion that today's places and people to go to for discussions and 'support' for mental illness, to an extent, it's not a place where people go who sit in therapy and really work hard at turning it around. It's a place people go to sit and excuse away every shitty thing in their life with "well I have a mental illness, so you just don't understand" when they're not trying to better themselves at all. 

I think today most people have a shitty experience and milk it all day long. All month long. They catalogue all these experiences and replay them in their minds with help from these forums and discussions and groups to further cement shitty shit in their minds. 

Now, it seems to be the worst thing in the world when someone says "hey, just fight. you can beat this." Instantly, attacks about "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND" and/or "HOW HORRIBLE" and/or "HOW INSENSITIVE".

...really? So, we're just gonna keep the darkness parade going? 

We're not gonna allow anyone at all to give an emotionally empowering speech of any kind that says "you're in your own way"? No? Well, okay then....

Guess you want to feel that way forever then.


Yes. In this day and age, lots of people.

*huge gasp of disapproval from the audience*


Because this is, in my opinion, a victim culture. Not a warrior culture. 

We cry about 'woe is me' and have thousands and millions of people to join that discussion. That's okay. That's supported. To continue to talk about how they've just got a mental illness and that's how it is so shut up.

It becomes habit. 

Did you know thoughts and feelings become comfortable, and that becomes a habit?

But, that's never discussed either.

Did you know that it is possible to retrain your brain? Your emotions?

No. That's not popular or acceptable either. That's offensive and somehow insensitive. 

What's meant to be a way out that myself or others share with those in the dark gets turned into this horribly offensive thing.

Which, serious newsflash, if you get offended by that... Life is not going to be a pretty place for you. Ever. 

Geezus, life is raw and real and in your face and tough and painful. If you need to put metaphorical bubble wrap on everything and everyone and every word and every opinion... You're really fucked, and that isn't helping your problem.

Instead of people helping other people to stand up and fight and claim happiness and make a firm, conscious decision to say 'NO MORE' to the mental illness and depression and shit... They've got people supporting the sickness, and enabling, and creating groups and cushions and places that make it worse. Breed more of it. Send it deeper into your soul.

Someone is going to jump up and say "So what about schizophrenia then?! They just need to 'get over it'?"

No, that is voices and shit. That, in my opinion, is a real serious mental illness that doctors need to see and treat.

But emotions? Sadness? Anxiety? Yeah, you need to look yourself in the mirror and proclaim that you're gonna get over it. And work your ass off to do so.

To be fair, that notion comes from understanding energy and frequencies. Understanding that every thought you think becomes a real thing. Watching the movie 'The Secret' and researching. YouTubing sessions and deep discussions from public motivational seminars from Iyanla Vanzant, Dr. Wayne Dyer, Doreen Virtue, Louise Hay, Michael Beckwith, Bishop T.D. Jakes & so many more.

Record and download the thousands of free audio tracks with positive affirmations. Pinch Me Living are my personal favorite. YouTube them, listen to them at LEAST once a day. 

Make a gratitude journal. Write down things you're grateful for every day. Force yourself. Start with your ability to see, the fact that you have eyes or legs or a roof over your head. 

Look yourself in the mirror every morning and say to yourself, "Today will be a beautiful day". Even if you don't believe it. Say it. Repeat it until something sparks inside of you. 

But, you know, there's tons of people who just won't do any of that. Because "I have a mental illness, it's not that easy."

Until you've seriously, very seriously done all of that and made your mindset firm in changing your ways and done everything all day every day for 30-60 days... You're just excusing it because depression and the shield of 'mental illness' has became so comfortable for you that you just don't want to leave that negative cocoon. 

A sad but painful truth. 

People love feeling like shit. They bathe in it after a certain amount of time. Anything else, stepping outside of their comfort zones (the comfort zone being the 'mental illness') is very scary and they just don't want to.

It's my opinion if the words "well I have a mental illness so.." are ever uttered from your mouth as an excuse for absolutely anything, then you have identified a problem and that's the first step. Now, change it. You see what's wrong, you've identified it. Now you set about changing it.

It's also my opinion that most things that are classified today as 'mental illness ' aren't. It's also my opinion (which has actually been proven if you look into it) that the pharma industry just wants money. And there's always money in a 'disease', regardless what kind. The more pills they can sell? Fantastic. The more 'sick' people? The better! 

If someone doesn't want to go about the often times ridiculously hard work it takes to completely and totally clear yourself of your depression and/or 'mental illness', then sure you can always go get medicated. 

Some people tried and still can't make it go away. Then absolutely, go get medicated. The whole point is to get yourself feeling normal. Perfect. Happy. Joyful.

What I've seen, the majority of what I've seen and witnessed was people who haven't done either. They don't fight themselves, they don't do anything I suggested or hell other people suggest. They just sit down and to everything use the excuse of "I have a mental illness" then of course " dare you."

Feels like I see a million versions of my 13 year old self everywhere. 

And it's hilarious to me that people get so angry and offended by that shit. I understand when it's presented very offensively and hostile, sure. Depending. But I mean was it really offensive? Hostile? 

I mean seriously think about that. When you're so dark and so deep into a mental illness or whatever and anyone comes along that says "hey, it's easy to get out of, just do this this and that. Hard work but it's relatively simple and can be done" you should be like, "...seriously? No shit! Tell me, explain, I'm gonna try it." But not. The comfort of the pain and the habit of it says "nope, keep the good stuff out" - some can even say that's proof of mental illness, I still say nope. That's just like any habit people don't wanna break. 

Kind of like co-dependency. 

Or smoking. Or drugs. Or whatever. 

The biggest hurdle is, when I really broke it down inside myself and what I find with other people, when you break it all the way down... You don't want to. 

You don't want to try, or heal, or whatever. You just don't want to. 

Again, that's broken all the fucking way down. Asking a thousand 'whys' to yourself. 

There are adults I know with children as old as me who when asked why they won't do something or why they can't do this or that for the kid or themselves or whatever, the answer is - seriously - "well I have a mental illness". 

Are you kidding me? 

Well, the conversation around that now makes it so you can use that as any kind of excuse. And anyone who says "are you fucking kidding me" is demonized. 

Lots of adults with kids my age also use the excuse, very seriously, "well my parents weren't there for me and never taught me how to do that, so, I can't."



But you've just identified what you don't know how to do, so the next step is to go figure out how to do that! In whatever way you need to figure it out! Not sit here and use that as a crutch and excuse your whole life!

Now these kids are fucked up. 

Gee. Wonder why. 

And it's also my opinion that if your mental illness is in your opinion so bad that you won't be able to raise a child effectively, and you won't be able to do damn near anything... Maybe time to consider abortion. Or, if you're the man, have the conversation that maybe y'all shouldn't have kids. 

That goes into a discussion of pro choice and women being allowed to do with their bodies whatever they want, doesn't it? 


In my opinion I see excuses everywhere, and not many stepping up and just figuring it the fuck out themselves. Or at least taking the steps to really try. 

Like I said above, maybe it really is that mental toughness. Because as I said it's a lot of when you break it down 'I don't want to'. So when you're laying in bed all week, the last thing you want to do is get up and open the shades or go and take a walk.

Just don't want to. A firm 'no' in your mind. 

So... How do you figure out how to make yourself, force yourself to go do it?

Because you can. 

It just takes work. 

Being insanely strong, and deciding you're not going to let yourself be like that another minute. 

But, you know, that's my opinion from my personal experience. 

To be fair, the handful of people I've worked with privately who have taken it seriously and really applied what I've said have all recovered. 200%. 

There was one girl I'll never forget, she reminded me of me. She said instantly the shit I did, got all upset and mad at me "who the fuck do you think you are" and "you don't understand what mental illness is then" using it as a shield, as usual. Going on and on.

But I love that attitude. Because I know that that fire can be spun around and used to save someone's life.

So, I did, and we worked and flipped it around and I gave her back the same fire she gave me (because usually they're use to people being all politically correct with them) and she respected me for that. Then, I got real and raw and honest. 

Today, a good 2 years later, she finally admitted to her Mom she needed help and went into treatment (which she refused to do before), and she's practicing positive affirmations and meditation and walks and shit and doing completely and totally good now! 

She doesn't use anything as an excuse anymore. She refuses to let that come into her life again. She did it. 

And really, from what I've seen, if taken extremely seriously - as seriously as one takes (or says) their mental illness - you can, too.

But, fuck me right? I'm just some insensitive asshole. 


I just wanna help save lives, and help everyone have the best and happiest lives they can. 

Not popular opinions, but, it's in the best of intentions. 

Like Oprah and Dr. Wayne Dyer said, "When you say 'I Am Depressed', you're calling that into your life. You're declaring it, putting your name on it, identifying with it and calling it to you."

Yes. You really are. 

I just wish I saw less 'I have a mental illness ' and 'I am depressed' because people have no idea how dangerous those claims are. 

Instead, affirm, "I am healed, I am happy, I am loved, I am peaceful" - affirm good shit, not bad shit. 

Really. It does change your life. 

But, what do I know? 



Saturday, May 21, 2016

Feeling better. Thank God.

Good news.

I feel much better.

That's a bonus.

I really don't know where that shit comes from.

Ashley Gray reminded me, "I hope nothing bad happens. You feel that way sometimes before bad stuff happens."

Idk if I mentioned that in the pervious entry. Yeah, sometimes I do.

I had to take a second and refocus. Positive affirmations and reiki. Helped a bit. 

Also, getting out and doing more filming helped a lot.


And the shit is coming together nicely. It's for a new series I have coming to the channel. It'll be funny, because as Mama Lucy says, "The kid's got it."

Comedy is easy for me. And fun.

I'd love to be in a film with Melissa McCarthy some day. I feel like we'd work together so effortlessly. Just watching her work, our humor is very similar. So is delivery. But I think that's because it's so close to who I already am.

Love that her and her husband write and direct most of their stuff. That's awesome. I want to be a filmmaking team with my husband one day.

So, yeah. I feel better.

I tried looking up everything too. Did my shit mood have anything to do with a past life date I wasn't aware of? No. Not that I could find. Did any of my guides die on one of those dates? Not that I could find. 

I did wake up the next morning and I knew in the insane sleep fog that a man was standing on the right side of my bed. And I smelt this INSANELY STRONG cologne. 

It lasted for a second, because I flipped over still in my sleep haze and went right back to sleep.

Interesting. I'll have to ask my friend about that. She'd know.

It didn't feel bad, but I was so tired who knows. And Lucy has been around like crazy, but it was a man and a mans cologne. Nothing womanly. Masculine energy and a very masculine smell.


Welcome to the confusing world of spirit! Where everything is a guessing game! 

Where you ask, "Who are you?" and have to be alert to the answer that will probably appear as a random sign somewhere at a later date. Like a puzzle.

Oh well. Could be worse.

It felt kind of like a protector. Some spirit being like a guardian. It wasn't an Angel, they've been human before. Maybe one of my Grandpas? 

I've never known an Angel or pure light being or even a bad presence to bring a smell. Just an energy, a feeling. No smells. Guides and spirits who use to be human do though. 

We'll see.

So yeah, I spend the last two days editing. Good fun. Learning something new about editing every day.

What I don't understand is how my video quality is so crisp in my editing program then once I upload it, watching it on my desktop on my YouTube channel it looks blurry. More so than before.

I don't understand. 

I'll have to look that up before I render and upload this one.

If Jared hadn't jumped off the fucking building I'd just be able to call him!

God damnit, Jared. Fucker.


He was an editing genius. 

Oh well. I learned a lot from him while he was here so I should be grateful for that.

Lucy's been around. So I've been told. I had a mild breakdown with my friend Wendy. She handled it well, haha. It's nice to be able to vent/talk to someone about it.

My computer isn't fantastic and I've been on it all day, so I need to give it a break for the rest of the evening. I can feel it being ready to shut down on me. 

Just wanted to update! 

Feeling wonderful. Had some strange man visit (maybe not so strange). Filmed. Editing.

Oh! & I got to see my beautiful photographer Lori and her son Dylan. Had some fun with them.

Okay, tis all. 

Check out my new episodes on my YouTube channel! 


Thursday, May 19, 2016

Idk. Just tired.

Is it ever really, really hard to simply exist for any other super 'sensitive' and 'awake' people out there? 

I've had a particularly rough last couple days. 

It's good to know what severe depression actually is when it manifests inside my body, so there's power in that. Never goes away, but when it comes back I know what it actually is and how to manipulate that energy. 

Or, how to at least let it be for awhile. 

A professional medium friend told me today that like 4 planets are in retrograde, so, there's that. Certainly doesn't help.

I now sink into this funk where it just sucks to be sensitive. 

How I can see so many things for other people, but not for myself. 

How I work so unbelievably hard and don't feel like I'm getting anywhere. No, I'm not just sending headshots and going to auditions. I'm trying to build a fucking empire. A legacy. And that shit... Very discouraging most of the time. 

With all the insane detailed plans I have for every single step of the way... It's just, still so hard. And I feel like I'm on a hampster wheel. 

The closest and best friends I'll ever have in this lifetime both killed themselves.

The stuff about myself I can see, past life shit and connections to others... They're either dead (see above) or they don't see what I see. 

And that's one of the things about being 'awake' at that level or specific part that's the hardest. 

Having people in your life, or even seeing them and spotting them and knowing they exist, who have been a part of your life before. And you can see it, and you can feel it, and even if they acknowledge it... They're not ready. They don't see what you see. They don't 'get it'. 

I met a sister of mine from a previous lifetime. She didn't get it. She knew, even was super sensitive, but didn't get it. Has so much of her own baggage to deal with, she basically forced all the good people out. That hurt. 

Some other friends I knew, they have way too much shit going on in this lifetime they can't grasp.

Even people in other parts of the world, all ages and genders, all social statuses & professions.... Lots of people aren't open to it. Most would get a PPO. Others would dismiss you completely. 

It feels like a death each time. Like, I don't know, I really am all by myself. 

Even the people one would think are 'my people', usually aren't. I don't smoke week &/or spend weekends at raves. Not stereotyping. That's the majority of these types of people. 

Others are at the far opposite end. Sitting in huts doing yoga all day and not shaving or showering. 

That's kind of a stereotype, lol. Relax, it's all in love and laughs here.

But really, I don't know... Just feeling the impact of some heavy shit these last couple days. 

I think one of the shittest feelings, personally, is just wanting to go home. 

Not wanting to kill myself. Not wanting to end my life. Just, exhausted. Tired. Wanting to go home. Like a homesick feeling. 

But home is spirit. To return to spirit. To go home. 

All my friends are there, all the people who are around and help me are there. My favorite relatives. Angels. Everyone is there. 

And I just get sick of this human shit. Society and standards and bullshit and I'm sick of showering and shaving and I'm sick of having my period and I'm sick of being bored and having to wait for shit and I'm sick of working like a dog for fucking nothing and I'm just sick of humanity. Being human. 

Sick of knowing what I know and walking around like I am with who I am by myself. I'm sick of not comprehending most of the shit I see or hear on a day to day basis. I'm sick of the stupid shit like levels and social groups and just... I'm sick of humans. 

I'm sick of humanity. I'm sick of humans. I'm sick of earth. I'm just tired of it. 

I'm not in pain, I don't want to die, I'm not suicidal... I just, I'm sick and tired. I'm really tired. I want to go home. I don't wanna do this shit anymore. 

But, I won't be killing myself. I'm not suicidal. Even if I was, it's just never an option. 

Then I get mad at myself because I know I agreed to this shit and even what I'm experiencing now I agreed to. I agreed to be here, I knew I'd feel like this. I knew I'd deal with this shit, and I still came. 

It's just hard to explain how I feel more a part of a sunset or the stars than I do the rest of humanity. And how that feels.

And that's not even some weird creepy 'sings under the moon' shit. It's just, in my soul. The same way you might look at a picture of your grandmother who passed away and miss her, remember the good times, remember her hugs or whatever... That's how it feels. That's what the difference feels like. Inside. 

I don't know if that made any sense. I hope so.

Each connection who moves by or ignores it stings. It's against the rules to go chasing people. That fucks up their lessons and mine. You can't impose upon anyone's free will either. You can't make someone make the right decisions. You can't make anyone do differently. You can't make anyone see or hear or acknowledge. You aren't allowed to go following them around like a weirdo freak either, lol. So... It's hard. 

People move away from me, the soul people, and it does - it feels like a loss. From people who, you realize, think a phone only works one way to the people who prioritize your friendship way behind an abusive boyfriend or the people who stab you in the back once you go all out for them because they tricked you. And you don't usually do that, but you see the shit other people don't see. To, of course, the people who you can't even mention it to because you'd be in jail. And of course the people who wouldn't ever give you the time a day anyways, or acknowledge your existence. 

It's impossible to explain. 

And the shit in society, that's the worst. The standard of living we all follow like brainwashed dumbbells. The things people pretend to not see. The games and even money, like why? I don't understand money or people's obsession with it. I truly don't. I will never understand that about humans. 


It's even tiring being human for that alone. I'm sick of having to figure out how to aquire paper that people put a value on to get shit people say we need.

I just don't understand any of it. 

I guess this is the shit that's a bleed from the very last lifetime I spend in the 'spirit realms' as a goddess. Yep. Got a whole past lives YouTube video coming out where I'll be discussing all of them in depth. First Monday in June.

Even that... Why do I want to do film so badly? Acting? Why won't that desire go away? I don't understand. But nothing feels like it's breaking for me. No ones seeing me, no one wants to help or cares to assist at all really which is fine I get it (one of those societal standards that perplex me)... But, it's really aggravating to even care so much about it. 

Legacies aren't easy to build. 

Why did I get sent here with this passion that... I don't know. I don't even have the energy to try and analyze that shit anymore. 

Language is irritating. Tiring. Really. 

Why can't people just read minds? Energy transfers to words. Soulmates know that. They don't even have to talk, they just know what one is thinking most of the time. 

Language is tiring. 

Even that, soulmates, I know I only have one. I could be one to many but I only have one true soulmate. I'm almost 30. Where the fuck is he? What's going on here?

And he's supposed to be in the film industry already? So I've been told repetitively. Really? Yeah, that seems real possible. Makes tons of sense. 


Humanity is irritating. Things are so much simpler and happier in spirit. I'm just sick of it. Emoting, doing shit, feeling shit, seeing stupid shit, existing. Tired of it.

I have filming to do tomorrow. In a really great emotional place to do that. 

I'm just really tired. Exhausted. 

I know being human is like climbing this great insane staircase, but I feel like I take one step and am then forced to stand on that one step for 6 months to a year and a half before I can take another step. 

Just tired man. I don't even have anything else to say. 

I know this'll go away eventually. It just sucks. There's always a fragment of it inside me. Sometimes, it flares up. 

I'm gonna go try and sleep. 


Monday, May 9, 2016

The Soul

There is often an enormous difference between what the soul knows and the human mind understands.

Let me repeat that...

There is often an enormous difference between what the soul knows and the human mind understands. more time, stay with me...

There is often an enormous difference between what the soul knows and the human mind understands.


When that really hits you, it's like a slap in the face. 

A good one, but... A slap just the same. 

What your soul knows, beyond any questions and doubt, it knows. What the human mind understands: limited. Dependent on outside things like analytics and books and validation. 

Two different capacities. 

The soul doesn't need validation. In any form. Not a single one. It just knows. To the core of your souls being, it doesn't waiver. It can't. It's cemented in truth. A truth that can't be seen, heard or felt by any person or any thing other than you and your senses inside your beingness.

Your truth doesn't ever have to be anyone else's truth. 

Your soul isn't something that most can see or feel. That's where the epicenter of you exists. That's the thing that continues to continue on. Beyond life, beyond death. That's the thing that explodes into the atmosphere, beyond this human level of sight, and exists inbetween rays of light... Sound vibrations... Particles of dirt and dust and air. Your soul. You. True you. 

Here's a small task, experiment, exercise for you. 

I will caution very strongly to not attempt this unless you're very grounded. 

What does that mean? 

Who are you? 

Seriously. Who are you? 

Are you solid and strong in who you are? This lifetime? The center of you, your soul, is it rooted inside you? 

Thinking about life, does it make you smile? Do you think about all the ups and downs and get excited to be living this game that is the human experience? Are you delighted to see each day, and to be witness to the magic that appears? 

If your answers are depressing, questioning or questionable - anything outside of pure love and joy - do NOT do this exercise. 

Also, I would strongly suggest to not do this unless you're a wee bit advanced spiritually. A good indication is if you know who Doreen Virtue is, own several crystals, sage your house, and have done at least one tarot reading for yourself. Haha. 

But seriously. Please take my warning seriously. I'll explain why after. 

Go lay down. Relax. And begin to imagine...

...imagine your entire body beginning to sparkle and glow this brilliant white light. If you were to look into a mirror, you'd see yourself glowing and sparkling. 

Sit with that for a second. If you're good at this, with practice, this is a very quick healing and 'positive energy' tool. Your entire body sparkling and glowing. Seeping through your skin. Your eyes, your bones, your organs. Everything. 

Giving it light it illumination from your soul.

Sit with this light. 

After a moment, switch in your consciousness from your human body - to this light. Meaning you are now the light. You are the light. You're the light, not the body. You switch from your humanness, to your soul. The divine that you really are. That shines in you all the time anyways. 

You're still in your body, your human body is still getting all the dazzling light benefits. You can still move your arms, legs, everything... But you are the light. 

(The 'switching' is a visualization tool I use to find 'the seat of self', or 'the seat of the soul'.)

Take some deep breaths, and when you're ready, in the light, step outside of your body.

Step outside of your body. 

You are now a person shaped being of light that is you. If you were to look down, you'd see only light. A light shaped body. You can still move your 'arms' and 'legs', but, you're pure light. 

If you looked behind you, you would see your body.

You aren't in your human body. Not right now. 

What do you feel? 

Free? Lifted? Spacious? Peaceful? 

Take a moment and listen. You are now in the space that human eyes can't see, and human ears can't hear. You can possibly get some messages and guidance here. 

If you get nothing, don't worry about it. 

Just take a moment and feel. Be.

This should feel positive. Amazing. New. This, this is your soul. Your true nature. Your 'higher self'. 

When you're ready, step back into your body. After a couple moments, switch in your mind your consciousness back to your human brain. Take deep breaths. Open your eyes, thank your spirit for that experience, and think of like 3 things that's awesome and cool and different about being allowed to be human.

JUST IN CASE you got stuck in that, or you have a shitty/sad/depressed feeling now (like I did and I will explain), I want you to IMMEDIATELY go here and listen to this in full:

Also, say this out loud:

"Archangel Michael, help me! Guardian Angels, I acknowledge you all and welcome you into my life. Please help ground me and center my soul. Please assist me to re-align my spiritual energy with my human existence."

I don't care if you don't believe it. Fucking do it. I'm very serious. 

If you feel happy, refreshed, positive, and have a whole new cool outlook on humanity and spirit... You did it right. You have a healthy spiritual and emotional perspective. 

I wasn't so lucky. 

When I stepped out of my body, it was AMAZING. Holy shit it was real, folks. And it should be. It was free and uninhibited and cool and careless and without fear or worry. It was what pure spirit is. The same vibration spirit is on. 

My problem was that I didn't want to go back into my body. Not at all.

And automatically, I knew that was dangerous. 

Because really, this experiment is also basically what we experience when we die. 

My Uncle was like me. He had my 'gifts' I guess. Instantly, when I went to go back into my body I thought of him when he had a similar dream.

He told me about how he had to have my Aunt basically lock him in the house for a week or however long so he didn't kill himself to get back to that feeling.

I didn't want to let that dread, that disgust and depression of human versus spirit linger in me. And that's why I hope you took/take that warning I gave above very seriously. 

It can fuck you up. Especially if that's the first 'spiritual/soul/multi-dimensional' personal experience you have. 

Especially since every human lifetime has things that happens, mild traumas to huge traumas, that shatters pieces of your soul and leaves them places. But that's an entirely different conversation, and yes they can all be recovered when you know. Doreen Virtue has some great meditations for that. 

To be honest, this was several months ago now that I did my exercise. That I got all screwed up. 

I really wanted nothing more than to truly live as that light. Fuck humanity, I want that. Peace, eternal peace. No cares in the world. To be with spirit and back to how it used to be (my last 'lifetime' was extensive there, so I may have a deeper longing than others). 

But, it pays to know the laws of humanity and spirit. As I've said many times, when you kill yourself you automatically come back. You don't have a choice. So, there's that. And why would you want to skip out on this human experience? 

There will only ever be one of you existing right now as whoever you exist as at this time. You have other names and identities, but they're not now. Not this stream of consciousness. Not this set of experiences. 

Do your absolute best this time. There is a reason you're here. Find out what it is.

I called on everyone. I did reiki. I grounded myself (quick way: imagine roots growing out of your feet and deep into the earth). It took me awhile, and even now I don't even like to do it. Just makes me sad, and I end up feeling claustrophobic in my body. 


It's not supposed to feel that way. 

And really, that's kind of an advanced exercise honestly. Really, you shouldn't even go there unless you've been meditating and 'dealing' with spiritual stuff for awhile. 

But, that's how awesome your soul is. 

Humans and human bodies were created as a tool, a machine for spirits to use to travel through earth and be able to have real, tangible, deep experiences. So spirits would have a way to be seen. So spirits would have a way to experience food, love, friendship, sex, careers, whatever shit that we humans get to do that spirit doesn't. 

Human beings - our bodies were created as a machine to let spirits have some fun. 

In truth, the point of the exercise is to make one understand that they can live from their soul all the time. People can and should feel that way in human life every second of every day. It is possible, it's just difficult. 

Nothing good comes easy. 

There's no order of difficulty in miracles, but that doesn't mean the world won't make sure you learn and work and truly want what you say you want. Make sense? 

Fate trumps anything. That's always a rule, too.

But you can find that peace and that light in how you live inside yourself every single day. It's hard, but it's worth finding out.

And honestly, that's what spirituality is. Having those spiritual experiences with your own spirit, your own soul, and the souls and spirits of those around you. Living and passed.

It's in deep places of realization and personal spiritual experiences that you clearly understand and know that thoughts do create things. Really and truly.

That every emotion is a vibration, and to be careful how long you sit in each one.

That every person who comes into your life in any way/shape/form/fashion is for a reason. Good, bad, whatever. It's all for a reason.

That there is no such thing as coinsidences.

That signs are real. You can feel them, see them, in a thousand different ways. 

You start seeing and feeling the direction the world is pointing you in.

It's really pretty cool. 

I initially started this blog post because I was going to explore my past lives some more with you. That's how I initially got thinking of my soul. The soul. 

It's seen so much. Lived through dozens of lifetimes. Handfuls of marriages and deaths. Friends and family. Kids and jobs. 

But... I think I'll leave it here. With just the soul. 

I'll also share my favorite Reiki master, Lourdes. Her channel on YouTube is an absolute must-watch. She's so amazing and powerful it's insane. I strongly suggest you get into some kind of reiki routine. 

Even if you laugh at it or me... You should do it anyways. It just may surprise you.

I'll link her awesome video to remove negativity, and you can (and should always) listen to that one first before finding some more you'd like to benefit from.

In spirit news:

Some man yelled "No" at me last night, and I've been hearing chattering conversations in lots of places I sensibly shouldn't.

Also, I've been seeing both my cats that have passed away, Kitty and Cuddles, all over the place. 

Which is very wonderful, because I miss them. So glad I've been able to begin opening myself up again, even just for that alone. 




Sunday, May 8, 2016

I refuse to give power to the two letters 'n' & 'o'.

I can't tell you how many hours I've logged over the last day and a half watching his videos on YouTube. All of them.

If you read my blogs, know anything of my struggle... Where I've been, what I'm about... You'll know why this video I must share with you brought me to tears. 

Ugly, slobbery tears. 

Thank you for this, Tyrese. 

For everyone in the hustle, working hard, climbing, needing direction or a kind word, stumbling through dark rooms calling out to anyone... 

Thank you. Thank you. 

(Factual notes that aren't negative, just fact.

1) Tyrese can get a meeting with the Facebook guy. He's Tyrese. 

2) They would have laughed at James about Avatar if he wasn't already where he was in his career. 

3) Did we forget Mark(c?) basically stole the idea for Facebook? Just wondering. People know that, right? Or was I misinformed? 

4) But even those, in a way, go back to the initial point.)

Also, this:

Powerful shit, folks. Powerful. 

First 28 seconds? Tears. 

I love inspiration. I love being inspired. I hope part of my life can be lived in a way that inspires as many others as possible. 

It is possible.

I can do that. 



Friday, May 6, 2016

For the women...

"This is for the women who don’t give a fuck.

The women who are first to get naked, howl at the moon and jump into the sea.

The women who drink too much whisky, stay up too late and have sex like they mean it.

The women who know they aren’t sluts because they enjoy sex, but human beings with a healthy sexual appetite.

The women who will ask you for what they need in bed.

This is for the women who seek relentless joy; the ones who know how to laugh with their whole souls.

The women who speak to strangers because they have no fear in their hearts.

The ones who wear “night make up” in the morning or don’t own mascara.

The women who know their worth, who plant their feet and roar in their brilliance.

The women who aren’t afraid to tell a man (or woman) to get the fuck out of her heart if he (or she) doesn’t honour her heart.

This is for the women who rock combat boots with frilly skirts.

The women who swear like truck drivers.

The women who hold the people who harass or wrong them with fierce accountability.

The women who flip gender norms and false limitations the bird and live to run successful companies giving “the man” a run for his name.

The ones who don’t find their success a compliment just because they have a vagina.

Women like Gloria Steinem who, when she was told, “We want a writer, not a woman. Go home,” kept writing anyway.

This is for the women who drink coffee at midnight and wine in the morning, and dare you to question it.

For the women who open doors for men and are confident enough to have doors opened for them.

Who use “no” to be in service for themselves.

Who don’t give a damn about pleasing the world, and do sweetly as they wish.

For the superheroes—the single moms who work three jobs to make it. I salute your resilient, cape-flapping, ambitious selves.

This is for the women who throw down what they love, and don’t waste time following society’s pressures to exist behind a white picket fence.

The women who create wildly, unbalanced, ferociously and in a blur at times.

The women who know how to be busy and know how to plant their feet in the earth and get grounded.

These are the women I want around me."

 - Janne Robinson

Wednesday, May 4, 2016


A documentary for free, on YouTube, that YOU (yes you) are absolutely required to watch. 

It's your duty/right as a human being. 

Must. Watch. 

I have never been more serious.

THRIVE: What On Earth Will It Take? 

Watch. Now. 


Why are you still reading?


Monday, May 2, 2016

Why I left Hollywood & said 'Goodbye' to main stream success.

I've spoken about my reasons for deciding to say goodbye to Hollywood and the 'ultimate dream' of main stream tv/movie success as an actress. Several times, several places, several ways.

I have attempted to get across my emotions, feelings, and other reasons outside of the casting couch. 

Today, I came across this video, and I absolutely have to share it. 

This beautiful soul speaks from her heart, and as I watched I openly wept. 

This was me. Sitting in California, running to auditions, going from set to set, working on things 'the way your supposed to', and I hated it.

It got to a point where I realized I felt the exact same things she discusses. And ultimately, that's when I turned to independent film. Doing things my own way, my own rules, my own people. Because of the same shit she talks about. 

It's not real. People don't care. Everyone is fake and miserable. And I couldn't take it anymore. 

Mentally. Emotionally. Spiritually. 

Moving around the circles I moved around, being with the people I networked with, seeing people's lives go to shit, watching misery, seeing souls be depleted and destroyed before me by a system that doesn't value you at all but makes everyone a dollar sign... I couldn't do it. 

This video is the best thing ever. And it struck me to a core. I couldn't have found these words, but they're my reasons exactly. 

Now, I feel safe. Secure. Happy again. 

I saw all of this around me. I watched it happen. I was on the edge of this shit machine, and I said a firm 'no'. Absolutely not. 

You're not getting my soul. 

I'll figure out another way. Because this won't work. It doesn't work. It puts money in bank account, but destroys human beings. 

This video is the explanation to why I left Hollywood, why I came back home, how I feel about 'Hollywood' & the majority of the film and entertainment industry, and why I left all the big flashy bullshit behind.

Amen sister. Amen. 

I will add that there was controversy around that video. I don't like how she asked for money, and lots of people said it was some kind of hoax:

I believe her original video was sincere. But here's what I believe happened... 

When you live that life, and that's all you do, that's all you know. 

Especially the young age she began doing it. You're used to all that money, and you're basically stuck in the job because - almost like with strippers or whatever - how do you do backwards? 

I think she got scared, really quickly, and was like "shit, what do I do now?" & that's where the other crap came from. 

When everyone you know does it, when that's your only source of income, when you are in that life and brainwashed by it to a certain degree... How do you, especially at 18, completely remove yourself? 

You're signed to agents and shit who keep coaxing you to come back and not quit and of course don't have your best interest at heart (again, you drop it all and they won't keep you in their phones), & you don't know what else to do! 

So do I blame her? No, I don't. 

Once you're a gear in that machine... You've got to Dave Chappelle your way out. And as we know with his TRUE story (in all the news media, anything he said raw and honest around it has been edited out so you really have to search for his truth), it's not pretty. And it's hard. 

So, it's still true. It's still that raw and real. But I truly believe she was and may still be just a deeply scared girl who didn't know what to do. 

The message from the first video is still very real. That's it, in a nutshell. 

Regardless, another amen sister. Amen.